Welcome To My Home
Written by
Ziggy Newman©
SCENE 1 INT. mess - DAY
Laurence flynn enters and makes actions to the following SPEECH
NARRATOR:
(V.O.) This is Laurence Flynn. He's your average 28 year old man with decent looks, charming personality and good body shape. He enjoys art, music, theatre and other girly things. (beat) in his spare time, Laurence likes to amuse himself by writing horror novels and drawing Japanese anime drawings of his characters. Overall Laurence lives a very happy life with lots of aspirations and surprises! However sometimes all of a sudden, Laurence's life seems to change slightly with his happy regimes suddenly becoming disrupted by a cloud of cynical misery. (beat) This usually happens when he wakes up in the morning and realises… he's a doctor!
laurence COLLAPSES on the nearby sofa
he sits up
laurence:
(acting out a "focused" gesture) coffee
laurence gets up and makes himself A cup of coffee.
he then begins to ad ADDITIONAL grain to his mug
Laurence (CONT'D):
(adding the grain) one, two, three, four, five hours!
Laurence drinks the coffee making him shudder slightly from the foul taste
he becomes instantly energetic
LAURENCE (CONT'D):
Right! (CLAPS HIS hands) now I'm ready to hit the ward!
laurence BEGINS to walk CONFIDENTly to the ward but COLLAPSES on the sofa again with A sob
laurence (CONT'D):
I can't be bothered
DR STEphEN noble enters
noble:
All right Flynn?
flynn:
(mumbling) hello
noble:
You seen my lucky pen anywhere?
flynn:
(still mumbling) no
noble notices flynn's depression
he sits down on the sofa next to him
noble:
(in A patronising voice) what's wrong? Has someone been mean to you?
flynn:
No just my way of getting through the day
noble:
The day hasn't begun yet
flynn:
Everyone starts somewhere
noble:
Come on what's wrong?
flynn:
(sigh) ok. If you must know I'm depressed
noble:
You're always depressed!
flynn:
Yeah. Well I'm particularly depressed now!
noble:
And why might that be?
flynn:
Well I've been thinking,
noble:
Uh oh!
flynn:
I mean I've been working here too months now and still…
noble:
You still haven't done it
flynn:
No! I still haven't found medicine to be what I want it to be!
noble:
Oh you're worried about that again?
flynn:
Yeah it's pathetic isn't it?
noble:
There's no need to worry about that Flynn. (puts his hand on flynn's shoulders) Here. Let me tell you a little story…
flynn:
Oh great
music begins to play as noble narrates
noble:
You see Flynn when I was your age
flynn:
Which was only two years ago
noble:
Yes. When I was your age, I didn't have the best of times. Sometimes I thought life was not worth living
music stops
there is silence
flynn:
What that doesn't make sense. What happened after that?
noble:
Life doesn't make sense Flynn. You can't expect the world spell everything out for you, you have to dig deeper into life's inner sub textual meaning.
flynn:
(confused) (pause) Ok well it didn't quite solve my problem
noble:
You'll figure it out when you're older!
flynn:
(beat) Ok I'll bear it in mind then.
noble:
Good and then when the day comes that you're feeling all low and just everything in the world to just go away. You can think of those kind words Dr Noble told you and everything will be much better again.
flynn:
Yes if I haven't jumped off a cliff before hand
flynn's bleeper goes off
he groans and faints to the floor
flynn (CONT'D):
Drive me to casualty
noble rolls his eyes and drags flynn by the leg out of the room exiting
SCENE 2 INT. corridor - DAY
flynn and noble walk towards the ward having been in CASUALTY
laurence:
Well that was pointless.
noble:
Yeah well he shouldn't have bleeped us. Was a dirty prank
laurence:
Yeah well I'm used to it now. It's not as if it doesn't happen (looks at noble) everyday!
noble:
Come on cheer up Flynn. You've got lots to be happy about
laurence:
Like what?
noble:
Well I don't know if you remembered but it's your 1 month anniversary here at South Middlesex!
laurence:
Oh how could I forget! (under his breath) Not that I wouldn't want to forget.
noble:
Come on! Don't you see what this means?
laurence:
Not really.
noble:
Look this a chance for you to make a fresh start. So you've had difficult opening month. Happens to everyone.
laurence:
Hey your right. I don't need to keep up this crazy life charade if I don't want to.(beat) Right I'll make it official!
noble:
Great!
laurence:
From now on I'm gonna be a whole new Flynn. (counts on fingers) No more cock ups, no more stress, no more screaming and most importantly no more slap…
just laurence begins to finnish his sentence, by whacking his arm out to the side he knocks a passing female JUNIOR DOCTOR down a nearby staircase.
laurence (CONT'D):
(to the doctor) Oh god SORRY!
FLYNN AND NOBLE GO TO help up THE DOCTOR WHO HANDS LANDED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRCASE CONSTANTLY GRIPPING HER HEAD IN HER PAIN
NOBLE:
Are you all right?
doctor:
Oh god! (to flynn) Watch where you put your hand will you!
flynn:
I'm really sorry. Let me have a look
doctor:
No! Please! Don't touch me! Thank you
the doctor exits with a sigh and laurence returns to his depression
flynn:
(sarcasm) Well that was a good start!
noble:
Hey that was just the last of it! Now you can start a fresh
flynn:
I certainly hope so
noble:
Here gimmie your bleeper!
flynn:
(getting his bleeper out) Why?
noble throws flynn's bleeper out of a nearby window
laurence (CONT'D):
WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!
Noble:
(HANDING FLYNN A NEW BLEEPER) Present!
laurence:
(taking the new bleeper) What is it?
noble:
Polyphonic bleeper and it takes pictures!
laurence:
(connecting the bleeper to his belt loop) Oh great! I've heard about these!
noble:
Everyone in the hospital's got one
noble's bleeper goes off playing a REAL TONE version of the yeah yeah yeah's "I got a date with the night"
noble (CONT'D):
Speaking of which mines just gone off now!
flynn:
You think it's the same guy?
noble:
Na. He only picks on the weird doctors.
flynn looks at noble
flynn:
(sarcasm) Thanks Noble. You really know how to make me feel better.
noble:
Rise above it Flynn! Come on! Enjoy your bleeper! I'll see you on the ward later
noble exits leaving flynn with an inspirational smile whilst looking at his bleeper.
SCENE 3 INT. a ward - DAY
judy conway, is standing near the ward desk reading notes
flynn enters, notices judy and becomes very nervous DESPERATELY trying to make himself look attractive.
In a hugely DESPERATE attempt he completely lets himself go SEXUALLY and becomes overwrought with passion.
flynn:
(in a sassy voice) Ready for action!
flynn does a manly walk towards judy causing her to roll her eyes
however as flynn does so, gasman appears from under a floor tile knocking him over with a spin making him land face down at judy's feet with scream
Laurence (CONT'D):
Ow. (mumbling) hello Judy
judy:
You know it's funny Dr Flynn. You'd think I'd get bored of you trying to chat me up all the time but I never do cause you always find a new way of doing it.
laurence:
Is it too late to try again?
judy:
No I guess not.
laurence:
Oh ok. (sitting up) erm… Would you like to go out some time?
judy:
Aww not this time Dr Flynn. Good attempt though
as judy returns to the ward desk, laurence groans and turns his attention to gasman
laurence:
What are you doing?
gasman:
Someone's stolen my lucky pen. I will search every ward until I find it!
laurence:
Your not gonna do very well if your stuck in that little block
gasman:
I have my methods doctor Flynn
laurence:
Noble's lost his lucky pen as well. What's so lucky about them?
gasman:
What! You don't know! A lucky pen is a surgeon's best friend! Isn't it Noble!
noble:
Oh yeah. Dunno what I'd do without it. Speaking of which you haven't seen it have you?
gasman:
It's not passed my sight I'm afraid to say Dr Noble.
noble:
Ah no worries. It'll turn up somewhere.
laurence:
What's so lucky about it?
noble:
At the end it has a distinct coffee aroma that's strong enough to keep you awake for four hours from just one sniff.
flynn:
Oh brilliant!
noble:
(reaches for a glittering pen from his pocket) Here you can have my old one!
flynn:
Oh thanks. Not that I'll need it cause I'm making a fresh start and that comes with it's own luck! (looks at the SPARKLY coloured pen) Wow it's gorgeous.
gasman:
(IN A PSYCHO LIKE MANNER) The pretty colours distract you from your real life!
LAURENCE BECOMES SLIGHTLY nervous
LAURENCE:
O…..k
MR RON, SISTER CHARITY HOPE AND A GROUP OF MEDICAL STUDENTS ENTER THE AREA
mr ron:
All set for the ward round team? (seeing gasman) oh god it's you
gasman:
Yes.
mr ron:
Still looking for that pen are you?
gasman:
Yes and I will keep annoying you by doing so until I find it! I've already been in your office and though I appreciate you trying to give me pain by letting me shower in boiling hot tea I think you should clean it up.
mr ron:
Will do after the ward round
gasman:
(psycho) No wait… leave it…. I can go back for more.(beat) yes that'll be fun!
(pause)
gasman (CONT'D):
See you in theatre later.
gasman exits under the FLOOR TILE with a look of sexual charge on his face
mr ron:
So who do we have today sister?
hope:
Whole new set sir
mr ron:
Excellent. Are they all eager to see their consultant
hope:
Well they are in pain sir (UNDER HER BREATH) But I'm sure they wouldn't mind being in a bit more pain
mr ron:
It's a wonderful way to start the week. To us doctors there is nothing better than being able to meet a whole group of faces isn't that right Noble?
Noble:
Oh yes sir!
flynn:
(standing up) Hello Mr Ron.
mr ron:
Yes can I help you?
flynn:
(pause) I'm your house surgeon?
no RESPONSE
flynn (CONT'D):
Dr Flynn? (beat) don't you remember?
mr ron:
Oh yes of course. Flint.(beat) How could I forget?(beat) I'd thought you'd left us.
flynn:
Er no just had a few days off that's all.
noble:
He wants to make a new start sir
hope:
Oh really doctor Flynn was does that involve?
flynn:
I just want put a lot of things behind me.
judy:
What kind of things doctor Flynn
flynn:
(beat) well I
everyone looks at flynn with raised eyebrows
flynn (CONT'D):
Look I wanna admit that I didn't have the greatest or strongest opening month and (beat) I know I may have made a few (beat) mistakes in the past few weeks. But that's probably because this is my first job after all and I was very nervous and I didn't know what to expect and that probably rubbed off in my behaviour. But I've settled down now so… whatever I've done that's been particularly…. Unsettling, it's all in the past and I promise it wont happen again.
short pause
hope:
Well I hope so Flynn cause I don't appreciate maggots on my ward
laurence:
No sister
hope:
Especially if they are eating my patients
laurence:
No
hope:
Nor do I enjoy wasting my precious drugs on wooden legs.
laurence:
No
LAURENCE BECOMES more AND MORE STRESSED AS THE OTHERS TALK ABOUT HIS line of cock ups
hope:
Not just because it's plain stupid but more it's boring as it's been done so many times before.
judy:
Don't forget the banging into doors
hope:
Oh how could I forget. Considering how many times I've seen that done
noble:
What about the sleeping with the old women?
judy:
Oh yeah that was original. (beat) You could see it coming though!
noble:
Hey that was your fault
FLYNN:
(FINALLY BREAKING DOWN IN NERVES) PLEASE! Please! Lets just forget about it! It's all in past. I'm a completely different person now.
mr ron:
Really Dr flint?
noble:
It's true sir. You'll be glad to know that he doesn't scream anymore.
laurence pulls a smug face to impress judy
noble (CONT'D):
Except when his bleeper goes off
flynn:
Noble
noble:
And he doesn't try to kill himself anymore
flynn pulls a less confidently smug face
noble (CONT'D):
Except when his bleeper goes off
flynn:
Noble
noble:
AND! You'll be pleased to know (puts arm around flynn) that he's removed all anxiety related dreams, multiple personalities and physical discharges from his system completely.
flynn TRIES to make a smile and NOD but is OVERWHELMED with EMBARRASSMENT
noble (CONT'D):
Except when his…
flynn:
(quietly to noble) (IN EXTREME DESPERATION) Noble for once be nice to me!
noble:
Flynn relax you didn't let me finish (beat) (to mr ron) Except when he's drunk
flynn:
NOBLE!
Noble:
What? I gave a different reason.
laurence rolls his eyes
noble (CONT'D):
AND! He's got a polyphonic bleeper!
noble pulls a cheesy smile and shows a thumbs up with both hands as if he is PARODYING himself
Nurse terry cheung appears from nowhere
terry:
(SEXUALLY interested) Really?
mr ron:
Terrance. Nice to see you on the wards for a change
terry:
Oh thank you Mr Ron just doing my bit for the community
hope:
And we love you for it but we're ok up here thank you.
terry:
(exiting) just bleep me if you want me (to flynn) And I don't necessarily mean in the literal sense
laurence rolls his eyes as terry exits
mr ron:
Now back to the ward round
juanita macatinez appears from behind a privacy curtain
she is crying her eyes out and runs of the ward in dramatic fashion
flynn:
What's wrong with Juanita?
hope:
God knows. It would take Steve hawking to make any sense of that girl
judy:
Well she's leaving tomorrow. Perhaps she's actually gonna miss us
flynn:
Oh of course it's her last day today we should get her a cake.
hope:
I wouldn't bother. She probably can't tell happy birthday from get well soon.
noble:
We could sing the song anyway. Come on it'll be fun she wont know what we're talking about. (singing) Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you (goes into a sexual fantasy world) Happy birthday dear Sabrina. (imagines having sex with some ahhs, yeahs and ugh sounds)
while noble progresses into his fantasy world, Flynn rolls his eyes with a sigh and gets out a syringe with the words "reality juice" on it
he injects it into nobles arm causing him to come back to REALITY with a shock
in his shock he turns and holds flynn by the neck
noble:
(DESPERATE) (QUIETLY to flynn) Mate! You've got to stop me doing that in public!
flynn:
I'm trying. You need to control yourself (shows syringe) this is gonna run out in a week
mr ron:
Er I don't mean to break the madness but we have patients to see. Now! The ward round.
the telephone rings
mr ron:
Oh for god sake
hope:
Excuse me Mr Ron
sister goes to answer the phone
flynn:
(sarcastic) (TO NOBLE) Well this is moving smoothly
noble:
I'm sure the patients are happy enough
a NEARBY women in bed 1 starts talking to noble
women:
Excuse me doctor. You couldn't keep him away for another half hour could you
flynn:
Oh?
women:
He scares me so much. I've heard so many stories I'm going insane with fear.
flynn:
Oh no don't listen to those. Honestly there's a lot of rude people in this hospital, they just like winding people up. (ROLLING EYES) I would know.
noble:
There's nothing to worry about
women:
Oh good. Sometimes the fear brings my hormones on early!
flynn becomes TERRIFIED
flynn:
(trying to shield himself with his hand) Male doctor! Male doctor!
hope:
Doctor Flynn? Personal call.
flynn:
Oh?
laurence goes to answer the phone
judy:
Would you like to start the ward round numerically sir?
mr ron:
Why not
women:
Oh damn it! (tense) OH! Here they come!
mr ron:
Summery please staff
judy:
This is Cassie Freeman a 28 year old lady doctor Noble admitted last night with
Noble:
Compound fracture in the left thigh bone sir!
mr ron:
Oh interesting doctor Noble.
flynn:
(on phone) (neurotic) oh! No! No! You can't do that! (beat) But I've only just moved in!
mr ron:
Perhaps we should have a look
women:
Oh I'd really rather you didn't
flynn:
(ON PHONE) Where am I supposed to sleep. (beat) Yeah I know I don't get any sleep but that's not the point!
mr ron:
I really think we should take a look
women:
But…
mr ron:
It wont be any trouble. Staff if you please?
flynn:
No don't hang up on me! ARGH! (SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN)
laurence becomes in a state of anger and, due to so, starts BANGING his head on the ward desk causing a scene around the area
mr ron:
Dr Flynn is their a spider attached to your face by any chance?
judy:
That would explain a lot
noble:
I'll deal with him sir
women:
No! don't leave me alone!
noble walks up to flynn and grabs him by both is tie and the stethoscope around his neck pulling him out of the ward with a chock
flynn:
Why both the tie and the stethoscope!
noble:
Come on Flynn
they exit for a MINUTE UNTIL flynn walks back in
laurence:
(TO THE WOMEN) Just out of interest you didn't happen to hear anything about me did you?
noble:
(grabbing flynn again) come on Flynn!
laurence:
AH! PICK ONE OR THE OTHER! PICK ONE OR THE OTHER!
THEY EXIT
SCENE 4 int. RELATIVES room - DAY
noble drags flynn onto A chair in the RELatIVES room
noble:
Ok. What's going on?
laurence STRUGGLES to BREATH in his panic
noble (CONT'D):
Do you want some oxygen?
flynn NODS
noble hands flynn an oxygen mask in which takes a huge gasp
flynn:
That was the warden. She says she wants me out of my flat by tomorrow.
noble:
Yeah so?
flynn:
So! First I nearly kill another doctor, then I get reminded of every reason why I've tried to forget I'm here and now I have no place to live. (sarcasm) great! This is a good start to my new way of life.
noble:
Everyone got that call Flynn.
flynn:
What?
noble:
Everyone has to leave their rooms cause they're giving the building a re work cause one of the water pipes leaked.
FLYNN:
No one told me! (beat) well no no one would cause everyone hates me here!
noble:
It's not that bigger deal it means we get a better building. It's only for 2 weeks
flynn:
And where am I supposed to sleep?
noble:
Just go home. They wont expect you to be on call
flynn:
Home?
noble:
Yeah.
there is a pause. Flynn looks confused.
noble (CONT'D):
Don't tell me you don't have a flat?
flynn:
Flat?
noble:
Flynn you can't live in your on call room.
flynn:
Why not?
noble:
Because you'll never get any peace if you do that. No wonder your such a mess.
flynn:
Well where else can I live. I can't afford anything else
noble:
Sure you can?
flynn:
What on junior doctors wage?
noble:
yeah
flynn:
From south Middlesex?
noble:
Good point. Well look you can stay at my house until you find somewhere but I really think it'll be good for you to get out of this place.
flynn:
Yeah. Imagine what that's like
the pair go into a dreamy fantasy state
noble:
Piece and quiet when ever you want it. Good coffee without having to fight for it.
flynn:
All the sleep you want with no bleep or intercourse in next room to wake you up.
(pause)
flynn (CONT'D):
Lets go now!
the pair run off exiting
SCENE 5 INT. noble household - main living area - DAY
laurence sits on the sofa wearing nothing but a white bathrobe still damp for a bath he had EARLIER. He is looking at a housing magazine circle POTENTIAL PROPERTIES
noble enters fully dressed with some tea.
laurence:
Thanks for letting me stay Noble. Its always been a dream to get out of that place.
noble:
Oh no problem. How's the house hunting going?
laurence:
Terrible. I can't afford any of these
noble:
(looking at the magazine) oh that's old. Doesn't have the new values in (HANDING FLYNN A NEWER PROPERTY MAGAZINE). Here's the new one. You'll probably find it's a bit more realistic.
laurence looks at the magazine and nearly busts into tears
flynn:
Oh no! (beat) I'll never move into any of these.
noble:
Why not?
flynn:
(shows noble the magazine) Well look at the price, look at the location and that's just the single rooms on top of arcades!
noble:
It's not that bad. (indicates) Here look at that one. That seems nice. Only 55 thousand.
flynn:
Oh no. I enquired about that one eelier. They told me it was a luxury apartment, with easy access and a peaceful environment.
noble:
And?
flynn:
Turned out to be a cleaner's office in a toilet block in the middle of Trafalgar Sqaure.
noble:
Nice and central?
laurence gives noble an irritated look
noble (CONT'D):
What about that place?
flynn:
(disgusted) I can't live there!
noble:
Why not? It's only a mile to the hospital
flynn:
(beat) yes from Heathrow airport! (becomes more NEUROTIC) Ugh this is impossible! How could this happen?
noble:
It happened to everyone Flynn.
flynn:
Oh well it's alright for you! You have a cosy house to come home too everyday with your pots of money waiting for you to burn them!
noble:
Don't take this out on me Flynn!
flynn:
(neurotic tearful rant) Oh and how can I not! You always have everything going on for you all the time with your money and your job and your women it's not fair! (CRYING) Just once in my life I want things to go my way! I need a drink!
flynn stands up and begins to fetch a drink from the table but noble stops him
noble:
Your not drinking after you've had a bath!
flynn:
Why not!
noble:
Well for one you need to learn to control yourself and two I know you can say "I can talk" but I don't want you getting out of hand. (beat) (noticing how flynn is dressed only in the bathrobe) Your not dressed for it! (beat) (Placing flynn on the sofa again) Besides the whole point of you being here is so you can relax. You can't do that if you need booze to control yourself. We drink enough of that at the hospital!
flynn:
Your right. I'm sorry
noble:
It's fine. In the meantime you can stay as long as you need. There's no need to worry.
laurence smiles
noble's wife sABRINA ENTERS. sHE IS A GOTHIC, QUIRKY AND INDEPENDENT-LOOKING WOMaN IN HER EARLY THIRTIES COMPLETE WITH BLACK EYE SHADOW, jet black HAIR AND DARK LIPSTICK wearing a red south middlesex psychiatric nurse dress.
laurence stands looking at her in complete shock
laurence:
hello
sabrina:
Oh Hello. You must be doctor Flynn. Stephen's told me all about you!
Laurence:
Oh really?
noble:
(putting his arm around sabrina) This is my wife Sabrina
flynn becomes even more shocked
laurence:
What!
noble:
This is my wife Sabrina
flynn stands staring for a moment
laurence:
(pause) Oh!
sabrina:
Are you alright?
flynn continues to stand stunned.
laurence:
(pause) Really?
sabrina:
Has something scared you?
noble:
It's your eye shadow darling
sabrina:
(clicking her fingers at noble) shut up Stephen!
flynn:
No. It's just… You weren't quite what I was expecting!
sabrina:
Oh can I ask what you we're expecting
noble:
Yeah Flynn are you saying she's ugly! (beat) I mean her make up is but really…
sabrina elbows noble
flynn DESPERATELY tries to take back what he just said
flynn:
NO! no! no! It's just….
sabrina:
What?
noble:
(putting flynn on the spot) Yes Flynn! What!
flynn:
(in a bit of a panic) Well… You're not… Like all the other women he's always with
sabrina:
(ANGRILY to noble) What other women?
noble:
(trying to act innocent) Err..(walks up to flynn and takes hold of his shoulders) Flynn that's not the way you talk to women is it? (TO SABRINA) Sorry he's not used to female attention. He's a virgin.
flynn shakes noble's hands off of him in his anger and gives noble the evils
noble (CONT'D):
Lets just forget all about it
sabrina:
(folding her arms) Oh no I think I'm too interested now!
noble slowly sits sabrina down on the sofa
noble:
My dear Sabrina. You've obviously had a big day at work. Why don't me and Flynn go into the kitchen and make you a nice cup of tea. And it will be extra special as we're both making it! Isn't that right Flynn?
flynn:
(Trying to cover his anger) yes
noble:
Come on Flynn
noble drags flynn into the kitchen area out of sabrina's sight
FLYNN:
What did you tell her that for!
noble:
(DESPERATE) Flynn! As much as I understand how much revenge you want to get on me I would appreciate it if you kept your mouth shut!
flynn:
(CYNICALLY) Oh so you don'ttell your wife what you do in your spare time!
noble:
No I don't. By the way why are you so surprised by her?
flynn:
(looking at sabrina) Well she's quirky and beautiful
noble:
Yeah. And?
flynn:
Well you usually go for the easy escort girls!
noble:
Correction I go for what ever girl I can find!
flynn:
I'm surprised
noble:
Why? You don't fancy her do you?
flynn:
Well no. I mean she's lovely but you know my heart belongs to Judy!
noble:
Well good because she's mine! We've been married for 4 years now I don't want that to change! I love that woman!
flynn:
Aww that's sweet Noble
noble:
Yeah yeah yeah don't go softy on me I'm telling the truth!
flynn:
Here's me thinking you're a prince charming disguised prostitute when you really do care for women and their sensitive needs.
laurence realises the CHEESINESS of what he has just said and gets very afraid
flynn (CONT'D):
Oh my god! That sounded gay!
noble:
You need that drink!
flynn:
Yes and a double dose of it!
noble makes flynn and extra strong pimms
flynn gulps it down in DESPERATION
flynn (CONT'D):
Oh that's much better!
laurence starts singing to himself "the STRIPPER" tune
as he goes on he begins to strip himself but its stopped by noble
noble:
FLYNN!
SABRINA APPROACHES THE AREA
SABRINA:
What's going on!
noble DESPERATELY tries to cover up the drunk SUPPOSEDLY naked flynn in his fright
noble:
NOTHING SABRINA!
SCENE 6 INT. sAME PLACE - DAY
LAURENCE SLEEPS ON THE SOFA WEARING HIS WHITE AND BLUE STRIPED PYJAMAS WITH a white DUVET covering him
noble enters in pyjamas and dressing gown and opens the curtains waking him up
noble:
Morning Flynn
laurence groans at the thought of getting up
noble (CONT'D):
Come on Flynn
laurence:
(moaning weakly and trying to cover himself with his DUVET) No I don't wanna
noble:
Come on Flynn it's just work!
laurence:
It's work for you, it's hell for me
noble:
Come on! You don't wanna miss today anyway. It's Graham's engagement party!
laurence:
Oh. Who's Graham?
noble:
Graham! Lowestoft. Big joker from orthopaedics!
laurence:
No I don't know him
noble:
You must know him. Everyone knows Graham. Does all the stand up at the doctor's union.
laurence:
No I've never heard of him
noble:
Well that's shit
laurence:
Noble you've got to bear in mind that most of the people at South Middlesex that you hang around with don't like me! So, I hope you don't mind, I don't usually bother learning all their names. (beat) I think it would be inappropriate for me to be there don't you think?
noble:
Come on! What's the worst that could happen?
laurence thinks to himself
Fantasy SEQUENCE: INT. mess - DAY
a gang of doctors including dr graham lowestoft and noble are throwing SPONGES at what appears to be a human target
graham:
Hey great engagement present Noble!
noble:
Oh no problem! Try and get a shot in his nose! That's where he's weakest!
the target is now REVEALED to be laurence, taped to a pole. He has been stripped naked but is wrapped in a white sheet and is soaking wet from the SPONGES
he tries DESPERATELY to keep a smile without crying
laurence:
Yes, your all aiming much better!
laurence gets whacked in the cheek by a SPONGE resulting in a SYRINGE being injected into his face
laurence (CONT'D):
Oh look that one had a morphine syringe attached to it but it's ok I'll just deal with it!
end fantasy sequence
laurence:
I really think it would be inappropriate if I was there Noble!
noble:
Come on! You know what your problem is Flynn?
laurence:
No what?
noble:
You don't socialise enough
laurence:
(sarcasm) Oh gee I wonder why!
noble:
You spend too much time in that little room of yours and now it's been taken away from you this is the perfect opportunity for you to get more. Come hang out with the doctors! Make some new friends!
laurence:
Oh friends yeah that takes me back (dreamy) That stuffed dolphin was really cute!
noble:
Come to the party and enjoy yourself! Get pissed!
laurence:
Fine!
noble:
(turning flynn's head to face him) there's a good boy!
noble clicks his TONGUE at flynn and begins to walk off to make tea
laurence NODS at first but then becomes overwhelmed with worry
noble:
That wasn't a turn on
laurence sighs with relief
sabrina enters in a sexual like fashion wearing her PYJAMAS
sabrina:
(to noble) Oi! Lover boy! Are you ready to play!
noble:
Oh you! Your ready already are you?
sabrina:
Yep! I just make it harder for you everyday!
flynn:
Maybe I should give you two some space
noble:
Ah na don't worry Flynn. This is just a little game she likes to play every morning
sabrina:
(to flynn) Hey it's for a good cause! If he ever wants kids he's gotta have enough stamina! (TO NOBLE) are you ready!
noble:
Let the games begin!
noble turns on the cd player revealing some TRANCE indian sitar music.
he then plays a game with sabrina in which he has to catch her whilst she runs around the room pausing in SEVERAL places to sexily dance to the music whilst calling to him that he needs to go faster if he wants to catch her. Whilst this goes on, flynn becomes more and more attracted to sabrina's dancing
this goes on for a few minutes UNTIL sabrina starts dancing IN FRONT of laurence's face.
He FINALLY finds himself unable to control himself and stands up in a panic WHILST shouting "oh god" at the same time as trying to cover his now ERECTED penis.
noble and sabrina stare at him in horror
laurence:
(in a state of large EMBARRASSMENT) Erm…sorry umm…. Perhaps I should go get changed in my car and… I'll meet you at the hospital later….
noble and sabrina CONTINUE to stare
laurence (CONT'D):
(picking up his clothes and heading for the front door) I'll see you in a bit then
laurence rushes out the door exiting
SCENE 7 INT. laurence's car - DAY
laurence sits STILL at the STEERING wheel still in his PYJAMAS with the lock of complete fright on his face
laurence:
(to himself) (DESPERATE) Ok… you just had a boner towards your only friends wife. No worries. Doesn't make you a bad man it was accident…. Just remain calm.
noble appears from nowhere
noble:
Flynn?
laurence screams and drives away exiting
SCENE 8 INT. doctor's locker room - DAY
laurence FINISHES getting dressed by putting on his tie IN FRONT of the mirror
laurence:
(to himself) ok you're a good man. (beat) you're a popular man!
laurence does a cheesy wink in the mirror whilst SECRETLY laughing to himself about his actions
noble appears from nowhere
noble:
Flynn?
laurence:
(scream) I'm sorry!
noble:
What?
laurence:
I'm sorry I was attracted to your wife. (panic) not that she's not attractive! I just….
noble:
Oh don't worry about that. I'd forgotten about it
laurence:
Oh ok. So are we alright?
noble:
Yeah fine
laurence:
Oh good. (QUIETLY to noble) Sabrina doesn't think I'm weird does she?
noble:
No she was flattered actually!
laurence:
(FEELING attractive) Oh really!
noble:
I on the other hand!
laurence:
(returning to guilt) Oh right sorry
noble:
So you ready for the engagement party!
laurence:
No
noble:
Yes you are! Come on!
noble takes flynn by the hand and BEGINS to walk out the room when he sees something in an open locker
noble (CONT'D):
Oh there's my lucky pen!
noble is about to reach for his lucky pen but a doctor who has CLAIMED POSSESSION of it stops him with a small scream
the doctor comes out of his HIDING place and stands looking at flynn and noble in threat whilst shaking himself.
because the doctor appears to be insane both flynn and noble get worried
noble:
(reaching for his pen) can I?
doctor:
(uptight) no!
noble:
(pause) but it's
doctor:
It's mine now!
flynn:
(scared) I'd let him have it Noble!
the doctor holds the pen up to his eyes and looks at it in horror
doctor:
What's this! I can see myself! I don't want to see myself! (to noble) what is it!
noble:
It's a pen!
doctor:
Well it's evil I tell you! (sniffs around) what's that smell?
noble:
It's coffee!
doctor:
Coffee? (pause) I'll be back
the doctor runs off dropping the pen as he leaves
noble:
(picking up the pen) oh thank god for that
flynn:
(TERRIFIED) Noble! Lets get out of here!
noble:
Relax! We've gotta go anyway! Time to for the engagement party!
laurence sees another lucky pen on the floor and picks it up
flynn:
Oh look there's another lucky pen here!
noble:
You keep it Flynn! It will bring you good luck whilst you socialise! Now let's get drunk like real men!
flynn:
That's a stereotype!
noble:
I don't care!
noble holds is pen up to his nose and takes a good sniff of the coffee aroma at the end of it
noble (CONT'D):
To the mess!
noble exits in marching-like fashion
laurence begins to follow him by taking a huge sniff of the AROMA of his pen
he suddenly becomes a bit sick
flynn:
Oh that one had cocaine in it!
laurence faints
flynn (CONT'D):
(O.O.V) (taking another sniff) oh that's good shit actually!
SCENE 9 INT. mess - DAY
dr betsy cull and dr jessica rubindi enter and sit down on the sofa
betsy:
Why hello there!
jessica:
Good morning! How be you at this fine hour?
betsy:
I be good thank you.
jessica:
Would you like some coffee?
betsy:
That would be marvellous thank you very much.
jessica makes Betsy a cup of coffee as well as one for herself
the two ladies sit on the sofa together
(pause)
betsy:
Do you know what's very funny?
jessica:
What?
betsy:
A man banging into a door!
the two girls burst out laughing
jessica:
Yes yes. That one never gets old!(beat) You know what's even funnier?
Betsy:
What?
jessica:
A man pretending to be a door.
another rush of laughter
betsy:
Oh yes. That one certainly never gets old! (beat) But do you know what's even funnier?
jessica:
What?
betsy:
A man pretending to be a door, and bashing into himself!
huge row of laughter
BETSY (CONT'D):
Oh dear. We're a bit sad aren't we?
Jessica:
Yes. Is their something in this coffee?
betsy:
Well I don't know about you but I seem to detect the slightest spot of crack.
jessica:
(licks her lip) yes me too
noble enters with laurence
noble:
Morning ladies. How be you this fine morning?
jessica:
Good thank you
betsy:
We've just discovered we're on crack! (beat) How about you?
noble:
(slightly concerned) Oh we're good thank you. (CHANGES TONE) Everything set for graham's shock?
betsy:
Yes everything's set we're just waiting for everyone else.
the rest of the doctors enter
david:
He's coming!
noble:
Ok everyone places! Quickly!
all the doctors start hiding in different areas of the room
flynn:
What's going on?
noble:
(pulling flynn into his hiding place) Get down Flynn!
Dr graham LOWESTOFT enters causing all the DOCTORS to shout out surprise coming out of THEIR HIDING places
Flynn stands up after them and just silently smiles while everyone else goes into party mode.
noble:
Graham!
graham:
Aw you shouldn't have!
noble:
Yes we should! Come on! Come on! Did you bring the bubbly Lindsey?
lindsey:
(presenting a bottle of champagne) Cause I did!
noble:
Let's get it open then!
the champagne is corked and lindsey pours everyone a glass
noble (CONT'D):
Now a toast! Emily?
emily:
(RAISING her glass) To a wonderful colleague who always brought comedy to our lives well except for Dr Flynn
everyone looks at flynn with an evil smile
Betsy:
Yes but that's a different type of comedy
flynn rolls his eyes
laurence:
(QUIETLY to noble) Noble! They're bullying me!
noble:
Flynn! They're laughing with you!
flynn:
Ugh! (another eye roll) (terrified) oh god!
fantasy SEQUENCE INT. mess - DAY:
flynn is up on the pole again with the doctors laughing at him whilst throwing their SPONGES
laurence:
(trying DESPERATELY to smile) Yes keep going. It's funny isn't it. I'm such a comedian. (STARTS CRYING)
end fantasy SEQUENCE
laurence closes his eyes in his sadness
emily:
Anyway your sense of humour always lightens up our days Graham and we salute you for it!
graham:
Oh well thank you it's always great to work with such wonderful people!
richard:
We wish you the very best with your new lady friend.
adam:
And we'll all be at the wedding so she better be hot!
graham:
Oh she is mate!
noble:
(raising his glass) To Graham. A man who we can laugh at and not get shouted at for it!
graham:
(laughs) Hey if it gets me money, I'm up for it!
the doctors laugh at graham's gag
emily:
To Graham!
all:
(RISING glasses) to Graham!
noble:
Now! Onto the good stuff!
graham:
Ah yeah what's that then Stephen?
noble:
You know! When's the stag party!
all the male doctors get EXCITED
graham:
Ah now I'm afraid they're wont be one!
All the men suddenly become DISAPPOINTED
noble:
What! That's absurd!
graham:
Yeah I know but unfortunately we've asked everywhere and we can't find a suitable hosting venue. Nothing is available!
more DISAPPOINTMENT from the doctors -
richard:
Mate you've gotta have a stag party!
graham:
Yeah well Sarah really wants a big wedding so she doesn't want me to spend a lot of money on it so…
noble:
Ah that sucks! I mean I'd host it mate but you know my wife has issues about bring loads of men into the house and what have you
graham:
Ah well It don't matter. I mean this is good and I've got women in this party so I get to get flirty and hang out with my mates.
all the girl doctors laugh with graham and get flirty with him for a joke
noble:
Well it's not over yet. If you'd like to follow all of us to the registrars common room, (RAISING eyebrow) there's a little present waiting for you!
all the doctors clap and cheer in agreement
graham:
Oh brilliant. You are all great mates!
all the doctors including graham begin exiting leaving only noble and flynn in the room
noble:
(calling to graham) I'll join you later just gonna have a word with (INDICATING FLYNN) this little fella
all the doctors exit and noble switches his attention to flynn
noble (CONT'D):
See. This isn't so bad!
laurence:
I haven't talked to anyone yet
noble:
Well you should! They'd love to hear from you
laurence:
(laugh) I don't think so!
noble:
Look who do you think hates you by the way
laurence:
Everyone?
noble:
Who in particular?
laurence:
Mr Ron?
noble:
Oh he hates everyone. He hates me and I'm the best doctor in hospital
LAURENCE:
How can you be sure of that
noble:
Cause I'm the only one from Cambridge!
laurence GIGGLES
laurence:
Erm
noble:
Who else?
laurence:
All those doctors? You? Judy?
noble:
Oh. Judy. She's a tough cookie isn't she
laurence NODS sadly
noble (CONT'D):
Look these people don't hate you. They just find you funny!
laurence:
Yeah in a bad way!
noble:
Ah what's a bad way in comedy! All you've gotta do is laugh at yourself and you'll fit in
laurence:
(dissatisfied) ok
noble:
As for Judy.
flynn:
Oh no no no! I'm not taking love advice from you again Noble!
noble:
And why might that be. You're forgetting I am South Middlesex's king of sex!
flynn:
Your wife must be very proud! Remember the last time I took women impressing advice from you?
(FLASHBACk) INT. mess - DAY
flynn walks in with a young nun (mid TWENTIES) (sister claire)
sister claire:
It's very kind of you to show me around the hospital Dr Flynn.
flynn:
Oh no no problem.
SISTER CLAIRE:
So what's this wonderful thing you wanted to show me?
flynn:
Oh it's just here (indicates sofa) her make your self comfortable
sister claire:
Ok
sister claire sits down on the sofa
flynn (CONT'D):
Ok
Mousse T's "Horny" starts playing as flynn begins to start stripping
sister claire becomes more and more TERRIFIED until she finally stops him and the music
sister claire:
Er maybe I caught you at a bad time. I'm really sorry I think I ought to get back to the convent.
flynn:
(innocent) oh why?
sister claire:
I just don't think my presence is appropriate I must go. Nice to have met you
sister claire runs off screaming
end flashback
flynn:
I got banned from church
noble:
Come on she must have found it a bit funny
flynn gives noble the evils
noble (CONT'D):
It seems to me that all your problems lie from the fact that you're just not mixing enough. Why don't make some new friends.
flynn:
Well we'd all like to make new friends Noble but… what are the odds of that happening
noble:
Making friends is easy
flynn:
Yeah for you. Come on Noble do you honestly see me making any new friends?
noble:
Why don't you have a party? (stands up) in fact! Why don't you host graham's stag night!
flynn:
(stands) That's a GREAT idea! (SITS DOWN) if I had a place to host it
noble:
(sits down with flynn) come on Flynn there must be somewhere you can live.
flynn:
No believe me I've looked every where. All the flats available are either too expensive, in another country or about to fall down. (beat) face it Noble I wasn't made to make any friends in my life nor to have the perfect home to do it in. (beat) Unless my auntie Emma owns the Nightingale Place building not far from here and one of her tenants has just left.
noble:
That's perfect! Why didn't you think of that before?
flynn:
I don't know! (PICKING up the phone in the mess) I'll give my sister a ring now.
Noble:
Great! This'll be the perfect learning curve for you Flynn! Say don't you have the afternoon off?
flynn:
Yes I do! I can move in today and have the stag night tomorrow! I'm sure my sister wont mind
noble:
Excellent! Graham will be so thrilled! You'll be the most popular doc in no time!
flynn:
Well I don't know about that
noble:
No need to be nervous Flynn! Just think. What could possibly go wrong? Remember that phrase and you'll feel so much better. See you later
noble exits
flynn:
Bye. (beat) (to himself) yeah what could possibly go wrong?
flynn smiles and begins to dial ziggy on the phone
end of act one
SCENE 10 INT. Nightingale place - millock HOUSEHOLD - DAY
ziggy flynn is on the phone to Laurence while emma millock is STITCHING up a bridal dress whilst smoking and drinking
ziggy:
(putting the phone down) Did you know who that was?
emma:
Who darling? Your mother?
ZIGGY:
No that was Laurence!
emma:
Is he a friend of yours darling?
Ziggy:
No he's my brother! (beat) Your nephew! Don't you remember? And he's coming to stay with us
emma becomes worried
emma:
What!
ziggy:
He's looking for a flat at the moment so I said he could have 56. It's been vacant for months and we never use it!
Emma:
(pause) Your brother?
ziggy:
Yes
emma:
(Pause) my nephew?
ziggy:
Yes
emma:
A man!
ziggy:
(pause) yes. Nephews are usually men!
emma starts to fake a huge rowing laugh to cover up her huge rage of anger and fear
emma:
If you want a man in the house darling we can get a dog
Ziggy:
I'm sorry? Come on it'll be fun! Nice to have a man around the house for a change
emma:
Why?
ziggy:
Well… Why not?
Emma:
Well wouldn't it be difficult for us darling?
ziggy:
I don't think so. You've met him before. He's really lovely.
emma:
That's not what I'm talking about darling
ziggy:
Oh well… what are you talking about?
emma:
I'm talking how difficult it would be for us darling. When I rent out my flats and spend ages and ages preparing them before hand. I design them for us ladies as this a women's house. If a man where to step foot in these flats he would not know his way around.
ziggy:
I'm sure he would. He's a very cleaver man.
emma:
Not if we made it hard for him.
ziggy:
Look auntie Emma he really needs a place to stay and flat 56 has been vacant for ages it's time we used it! Come on! Please!
emma:
Oh alright have him over.
ziggy:
Oh brilliant! Thank you! We haven't seen each other for such a long time and we've been in the same town for long its crazy. He's been so busy with work
emma:
Yes whatever darling. However before he comes you must show him the ropes. We can't have a man getting lost in his own home can we?
ziggy:
Of course not.
emma:
Even if we set some traps for him
ziggy:
Sorry?
emma:
Nothing dear. Come along
SCENE 11 INT. Nightingale place - flat 56 - DAY
Auntie emma enters followed by ziggy who tries to follow her every word.
emma:
Flat 56 I call the game room. Because it has so many tricky features that it's easy to confuse the two.
ziggy:
I see
emma:
First the cooker now I don't care for gas darling. The smell distracts me from my perfume.
ziggy:
Well that's good because Laurence doesn't like gas either.
emma:
Why? Does he wear perfume?
ziggy:
Well erm… sometimes
emma:
(pause) right? Anyway the cooker is very straightforward. A monkey could operate it really. And I keep the cutlery, crockery and cookware in (INDICATES) these cupboards
ziggy:
Brilliant
emma:
Now the bathroom
ziggy and EMMA progress into the bathroom.
emma (CONT'D):
Now everything should be to his satisfaction. If he doesn't care for scented bath oils or soap he can by his own or replace them with aftershave or whatever equivalent he had for pleasure.
ziggy:
I'm sure it'll be fine
emma:
Now what else can I show you… The balcony.
ziggy:
Oh now I really don't think….
they walk to the balcony area
emma:
Now Ziggy I really do try to keep a good reputation here in London as there's much competition about for tenants so in order to so I don't appreciate revolting behaviour in my house. If your brother no matter how drunk he may be would care to engage in activates such as spitting, throwing food or urinating over my precious balcony tell him there a better places to do such things. Toilets, litter bins and underground tube stations. I will not have innocent people coming to my flat block complaining that they have been spat on by the force of nature. (beat) Nor will I appreciate idiots walking by my building early in the morning chanting to themselves "Good god. It does rain here!"
Ziggy:
I'm sure Laurence has the decency not to do that
Emma:
Well good. Now I best get back to the shop. You'll need to show him the guest room
ziggy:
yes
emma:
The cupboard where I keep all the lady china
ziggy:
I don't think he'll use those
emma:
The plants, The dining area, the living area.
ziggy:
Really I don't think….
emma:
The chairs, the tables, my office
ziggy:
Auntie Emma I don't think all this is necessary!
emma:
(pause) What?
ziggy:
I don't think all this is necessary!
emma:
Are you saying what I'm doing is pointless?
ziggy:
Not all of it
emma:
Darling without this touring. How is he supposed to get around the house. Hmm? Shall we give him a map? Hm? Shall we let him explore for himself like a caveman?
ziggy:
I just don't think he'll use any of it that's all.
emma:
Oh really. What will he being doing then? Laying on the sofa watching sport as if there is nothing else to do in the house?
ziggy:
He'll hardy be in at all! And when he is he wont be using any of this.
emma:
Why darling?
ziggy:
Well he's a doctor. If you want my honest opinion I imagine half the time he'll be in the bedroom.
emma becomes OVERRULED with horror
ziggy realises the mistake she has made and TRIES DESPERATELY to cover it up
ziggy (CONT'D):
No! No! No! I didn't mean it like that…
emma beigns to storm into the kitchen area with ziggy following her trying to rephrase her previous statement.
ziggy (CONT'D):
I meant sleeping
emma:
With who!
Ziggy:
With himself.
emma becomes more shocked
ziggy (CONT'D):
No please!
emma SEARCHES in the CUPBOARD under the sink
ziggy (CONT'D):
What are you doing?
emma emerges from the CUPBOARD with a whole box of cleaning products. she is extremely angry
emma:
IF HE WANTS TO MAKE A MESS, HE CAN CLEAN IT UP!
EMMA TRIES TO STORM INTO THE BEDROOM BUT IS STOPPED BY ZIGGY'S CONSTANT DESPERATION FOR HER ATTENTION.
ziggy:
NO PLEASE I DIDN'T MEAN IT! LET HIM STAY.
EMMA:
WHY DARLING? ARE YOU INVOLVED AS WELL?
ZIGGY:
(DISGUSTED) NO! JUST… for me…. let him live here. I'm begging you
(pause)
emma:
Why should I
ziggy:
(very nervous) Because I love you! (pause) And I know deep down inside you love me too
emma:
Oh alright! I'll give him a week. But ANY nuisance and I will deal with him myself.
ziggy:
Oh thank you. He wont be any trouble. I'll make sure it
emma:
good
there is the sound of a doorbell from the main building
ziggy:
Oh that's him. I'll go…
emma:
(stopping ziggy leaving) Wait darling! One more thing
ziggy:
Yes?
emma:
Just in case he feel the needs to do such… activity in my house. (HANDS ZIGGY A CLEANING VANISH STICK) Teach him how to use this.
ziggy:
What is it?
emma:
It's cleaning fluid. It's very good at getting read of accidents. If he calls them accidents.
zIGGY:
I will.
the doorbell rings again
ziggy (CONT'D):
I better go let him in.
emma:
Yes yes alright
ziggy:
You will be nice wont you auntie Emma?
emma:
Yes yes whatever darling
ziggy:
ok
ziggy exits
emma:
(sniffing the cleaning stick) Ugh! Still stinks from the last time I had to use it.
SCENE 12 INT. Nightingale place - hall/ millock household- DAY
ziggy runs down the hall to answer the doorbell which is ringing CONTINUOUSLY
she answers it to find LAURENCE at the door carrying suitcases in the rain
ziggy:
(relived to see laurence) hi! (TAKING LAURENCE'S SUITCASES OFF HIM) Here let me take those
laurence:
Oh thanks! Sorry I didn't know where to park my car!
ziggy:
(look at the space laurence has parked in) oh no that's fine! Everyone parks there. Come in!
laurence and ziggy enter the building and head for emma's flat where ziggy places the suitcases on the floor and LAURENCE hangs his coat up and shakes HIMSELF dry from the rain
laurence:
God it's tipping it down out there!
ziggy:
Yeah I'm sorry it's forecast to be like that all week! It's awful! Anyway why don't you get sat down and I'll make you a cup of coffee
laurence:
(sitting down on the sofa) oh can you make it tea? I'm trying to give up the coffee addiction while I'm not at work!
ziggy:
Ok! Tea for both of us then
ziggy starts making tea
LAURENCE:
So.. (looks around at the flynn) this place is wonderful
ziggy:
Yes it is.
laurence:
Aunty Emma must be pretty well off to afford to set up flat's like this!
ziggy:
Yeah well she is. She's got bridal shops being set up all over the world now!
laurence:
Wow impressive!
ziggy:
Yes.
ziggy brings the tea over and sits down on a nearby armchair with a cup
ziggy (CONT'D):
And I suppose she rents her rooms out for quite a lot of money so she's gets a lot from that. (sips tea) She's had this estate ten years would you believe it!
laurence:
So how is she then?
ziggy:
Who?
laurence:
Auntie Emma?
ziggy:
Oh yeah. She's (UNCONVINCING) fine. (beat) Laurence? Can I ask you question
laurence:
Of course
ziggy:
Where did you park your car again?
emma:
(O.O.V) AHHHHHH! WHY THE HELL IS THERE A CAR PARKED IN MY FLOWER BED! IT TOOK ME AGES TO PLANT ALL OF THOSE!
ziggy:
Oh god
auntie emma runs in with the look of anger on her face
ziggy (CONT'D):
Aunty Emma look who's here!
emma:
(trying to be polite UNCONVINCINGLY) Ah! Laurence! (SHAKES HANDS WITH LAURENCE) Nice to see you again!
aunty emma does a small fake laugh and then loses her INTEREST in laurence all together by turning her back on him completely
laurence:
How's my favourite auntie?
emma:
(cutting laurence off) I'm fine thank you Laurence!
laurence:
Well good! (pause) Erm… that was me who parked my car in your flower bed. (beat) I'm very sorry!
emma:
Oh really.
ziggy:
(trying to change the subject) Erm Auntie Emma don't you have to get back to the shop?
emma:
Yes darling. But I have a very important client meeting me today and she's very specific about which ribbons she would like for her dress.
emma opens a nearby CUPBOARD and takes out a group of white and pink ribbons, closing the CUPBOARD behind her and showing the ribbons to laurence and ziggy
emma (CONT'D):
And now I have them, I shall see you later!
emma exits leaving an erie atmosphere around the flat
it is broken by laurence and ziggy ENGAGING in a big hug
ziggy:
Oh I'm so glad to see you again!
laurence:
You too. I miss you at work
ziggy:
Aww! Well you should write more!
laurence:
I would but I don't have time. Still I suppose I wont need to now!
ziggy:
Come on sit down
they sit down on the sofa
ziggy (CONT'D):
And tell me about it!
laurence:
About what?
ziggy:
Medicine! Come I watch Casualty! When it's not too violent! Tell me all about it!
Laurence:
It's nothing like Casualty Ziggy!
ziggy:
Well what is it like. Come on you can't expect me to work everything out from your letters!
laurence:
Well its…
ziggy:
Saved any lives? Do any complicated operations? Do any of that (mimes cpr) di-fib stuff!
laurence:
Well…
ziggy:
Slept with any nurses?
laurence:
Ziggy!
ziggy:
(PANIC) oh no! That was inappropriate wasn't it! (MIMING THE HOLY CROSS) I'm sorry oh great lord! Very sorry!
ziggy, in he DESPERATE attempt to please god, she recites the lord's prayer fast whilst in a strong praying position until she is stopped by laurence
laurence:
Ziggy! Ziggy! Relax
ziggy:
You made any new friends? Come on tell me!
laurence:
(beat) well there's err… doctor Noble who I always talk about. He's the surgical registrar and my sort of mentor. We do a lot of operations together which are mostly like vein repair and such. And then there's Erm….
laurence tries to think of any more friends he has but when he fails he changes the subject
LAURENCE (CONT'D):
How's life at the convent?
ziggy:
Oh it's great! They've just finished work on the new garden that links the main building to the church. It's beautiful, we're probably gonna start giving masses out there. And what's even better is that sister Margaret says that in a few months, I'll be able to give my own masses
flynn:
Oh that's great!
ziggy:
I know! But I'll never compete with Father Kerrigan. He gives the most beautiful masses you'll ever hear!
flynn:
(getting board) Really
ziggy:
(little swoon) Especially when he sings them!
flynn:
(pause) (trying to shake a bad image out of his head) really! (CHANGING SUBJECT) Erm… Why don't you show me the flat?
ziggy:
Sure! Come on!
laurence follows ziggy out of the room
SCENE 13 INT. flat 56 - main area/bedroom - DAY
ziggy enters followed by laurence who amazes himself by looking around the room at large flat around him
ziggy:
Here it is
laurence:
Wow it's huge!
Laurence looks around the room at the various FURNITURE and set pieces and becomes more and more FLATTERED
laurence (CONT'D):
It's beautiful. It's more than I asked for. I can't live here!
ziggy:
(trying to hide her fear under a fake smile) Yes you can! You can't leave me on my own with her!
laurence:
Hmm?
ziggy:
Nothing. Well you've not seen the best part yet. I'm sure you'll be relived to see this again.
laurence follows ziggy into the bedroom REVEALING a huge modern-looking double bed
ziggy (CONT'D):
The bedroom
laurence COLLAPSES on the bed with a huge sigh of relief
flynn:
Oh brilliant! (TO THE BED) I thought you'd left my life completely!
ziggy:
I'm glad you like it
flynn:
Oh yes!
ziggy:
Why don't I leave you to have a nice nap
ziggy begins to leave the room as laurence falls ASLEEP
as ziggy leaves into the main area she can hear laurence talking in his sleep about seducing judy
she gains a rather concerned look on her face and exits
laurence CONTINUES with his lovely dream until he wakes up to find emma standing next to his bed staring at him with a SARCASTIC look
laurence:
(surprised) Hello Auntie Emma!
emma:
(beat) Hello Laurence
laurence:
I thought you we're going back to the shop
emma:
I was Laurence but I forgot my purse! (shows purse to laurence) You know it's funny, when don't have a tenant for so long, you tend to use the space for your own purpose. And with that you tend to leave things lying around.
laurence:
Right! Listen Auntie Emma I'm really sorry about your flower bed!
emma:
(strong SARCASM) It's ok. I can just do it again can't I! Sorry to disturb you.
emma begins to leave but then starts SEARCHING all around the room, including under laurence's duvet, for a women he's supposedly sleeping with
when she finds nothing, she gives up
emma (CONT'D):
Carry on!
emma exits and laurence is left with a very ANXIOUS look on his face
SCENE 14 INT. a ward - DAY
laurence enters dancing with delight whilst trying to improvise a tune with the words "i'M gonna be POPULAR" OBVIOUSLY come out with an unmusical result
flynn:
Hi Noble!
noble:
Flynn! My young apprentice! How be you?
flynn:
Brilliant! The Flat is perfect! It's huge!
noble:
That's brilliant my good student! See Flynn! Life does work out if you live it my way!
flynn:
It's a beautiful area and the rent is hardly anything! I don't know why I didn't think of it before!
Noble:
Perhaps your mind was so still in it's bleak sadness that it wouldn't dare move into the light of inspiration!
flynn:
(TRYING TO UNDERSTAND NOBLE'S SUDDEN DEPTH ON EVERYTHING) Hmm. Never thought of it like it like that! Perhaps your right! (beat) I really excited about this party now!
noble:
(cutting flynn off) You should be! Parties are amazing things aren't they. They're like positive incubators where men and women can feel free to release wonderful pitch sounds they have on their tongues!
flynn:
(confused) Yeah I suppose they are.
noble:
And also they're like pools of uplifting liquid where people can purify away the fatigue of a long day's work by engaging in conversation, entertainment and sex.
flynn:
Noble
noble:
And of course sex is amazing in itself. You could say it's similar to a party only the tongues do not realise pitch sounds but more a strong lightly viscous liquid that can display a strong message by moving quickly from the tongue onto a man's receiver.
flynn:
(slightly disgusted) Noble
noble:
And of course this receiver is amazing in itself
flynn:
(cutting noble off) Your stoned aren't you Noble!
noble:
(rubbing it in flynn's face) Yes but what are you going to do about it!
flynn:
(getting out a notepad and pen) look I need to make a list I need. Could you help me?
noble:
I will as I long to show you my young apprentice that there is life has so much to offer you when you witness it through a party.
flynn:
Ill take that as a yes. (starts writing on the pad) So what do I need?
noble:
Ok you need booze (beat) booze
flynn:
Noble
noble:
Booze
flynn:
Noble don't be silly
noble:
That's all you need Flynn believe me
flynn:
There's more to life than alcohol Noble
noble:
Yes Flynn. More to life but nothing more to a stag party
flynn:
Isn't that a bit effortless though I mean doesn't graham wanna stripper or something?
noble:
Don't waste your money on that. Just get Dave to do it!
flynn:
Dave? As in Dr David Whitebridge?
noble:
Yeah. He's a wild little scamp you should see him in action!
flynn:
Isn't he beside the point?
noble:
Why? He stripped at my stag night?
flynn:
What?
noble:
He stripped on my night. You should have seen it! it was great!
flynn becomes slightly CONCERNED
flynn:
(pause) Your telling me that for your stag party Dr David Whitebridge stripped naked for own amusement?
noble:
Oh yeah
flynn:
Did it (tries to find the right word) satisfy you?
noble:
It was amazing! I had the time of my life!
flynn becomes even more concerned
flynn:
(pause) right. So your saying that you hired a male stripper for your stag party and you had the time of your life. Noble you can't give me that account and not expect me to get suspicious!
noble:
Flynn the point is everyone's gonna be to drunk to care anyway. Just get them the beer that's all us men want!
flynn:
Ok (beat) sounds a bit stereotypical…
noble:
(cutting flynn off) Oh you and your stereotypes! You better have fun too Flynn! Remember this party is as important for you as it is for Graham. This is your big night. Your big impression
flynn:
Do I have to get drunk to do that?
noble:
I would advise it if you want to fit in. (beat) Unless you want to strip now that would be funny!
flynn:
(beat) would I satisfy you?
noble:
(pause) no Flynn
flynn:
Oh
sister hope and judy enter from the side rooms carrying notes and take their places on the ward desk
judy:
What's going on?
noble:
Flynn's having a party
judy:
Oh really doctor Flynn?
noble:
He's invited 20 doctors to his brand new flat.
flynn:
(attempting to impress judy) Which might I add is huge and has a lovely double bed!
hope:
Oh! Perfect for your visitors to have private time eh doctor Flynn?
flynn:
(EMBARRASSED) (REALISING HIS FAILURE TO IMPRESS JUDY) Yes… sister
NOBLE:
He's out to make a new spark sister. (Puts his hand on flynn's shoulder) This boy may be new but he's certainly making an effort.
hope:
Well I have no doubt that'll happen. I think all of us can a agree that your "one of a kind" Flynn.
flynn:
(feeling sisters SARCASM) Thank you sister
judy:
Can I come?
Noble:
No you can't come Judy. It's a guy's party!
flynn:
I'm hosting Graham's stag night!
judy and hope burst out laughing
judy:
Good luck!
hope:
Oh my my Doctor Lowestoft!
flynn becomes very worried
noble:
Now now girls he's up for a challenge!
hope:
He better be. You should see that man drunk!
Judy:
It must have been only a year ago now
hope:
Oh don't remind me!
flynn:
What was this?
hope:
A year ago we were on night shift and there was some kind of registrars booze up or something in the pub opposite. We went out on our usual rounds to casualty only to find him drunk out of his behind charming up our patients. (beat) and when we recite the word "Charming" we refer to him collecting phone numbers, endless chat up and the pulling of innocent people out of wheelchairs in attempt to dance with them. Not only was it rude but just plain dense.
judy:
The best part is when he thought you were a bar maid! All that money he kept shoving down your cleavage!
hope:
Yes it was bad taste but I did (giving her breasts a pat) make a good £100!
noble:
Yes well Graham is famous for being a hell raiser but that's why we all love him!
hope:
And I only suppose your going to make it worse by getting him wasted Dr Noble?
noble:
Oh yes. I'm fascinated to see how low he can go. For all I know we might see him burn down a house!
judy:
Oh no he's done that!
noble:
Even better! That's even more exciting! Well I'm yet to discover what this bloke can do but we can look forward to it when I see what he does when fill his head with muck! Isn't that right Flynn?
laurence stands still with the complete look of terror on his face
noble (CONT'D):
(trying to get LAURENCE'S attention) Flynn? (CLICKS FINGERS) Flynn?
flynn:
(coming back to earth) What? Oh. (COMPLETE CHANGING HIS TONE TO CONFIDENT IN AN ATTEMPT TO IMPRESS JUDY) well yes of course! I mean if a guy's gonna be dangerous, it's gonna be at his stag night! Cause that's what there for you know. Getting drunk and having a good time (LESS CONFIDENT) and breaking things
hope:
If you want my honesty Graham Lowestoft is the human equivalent of a pig on drugs.
noble:
And what does that mean?
judy:
It means that when he's off his top, he's messy, loud and couldn't care less about it. (beat) A lot like you doctor noble!
noble:
Ah Conway! Watch your mouth!
hope:
She has got a point Stephen! You and Graham do make an "adorable pair".
judy:
Yeah in a Mayal and Edmondson type way
flynn:
(worried) What was this?
judy:
Why don't you tell doctor Flynn about the time you flooded the whole doctor's flats with shaving foam.
noble:
I don't think he wants to know about that!
judy:
Oh I'm sure he does considering it wasn't even our hospital!
noble:
Hey it was for a good cause!
judy:
Yes to let all your drunken emotion out before you did anything else I suppose?
noble:
Precisely! If it wont go in it must come out, that's my philosophy.
Flynn:
(under his breath) yeah that's why women have lost respect for you.
noble:
Flynn?
laurence:
Noble can I talk to you for a moment?
judy:
Ohh someone's not impressed with you Dr Noble!
noble:
Judy this is man stuff. Please excuse us!
hope:
We'll leave you to it.
judy:
You can tell him all about it
noble:
Yes I will Judy
the two nurses exit
noble (CONT'D):
God they never know when to stop watching over you do they!
flynn:
Noble I'm scared
noble:
What? Oh Flynn come on what are you scared of?
flynn:
Well…
noble:
Oh Flynn you idiot! Don't listen to them they're just winding you up! Graham's fine! He knows how to control himself!
flynn:
Do you know how to control yourself?
noble:
Yes! And you've having this party weather you like or not.
Flynn:
And what if I don't?
noble:
I'll tell the whole hospital that you fancy the pants off me!
flynn:
(beat) well I already get that but it's one less thing to worry about.
noble:
Now we have work to do.
noble's bleeper goes off
noble (CONT'D):
And there's the proof! (looks at his bleeper) Ah! A vasectomy! We can take away someone's man hood while you gain some! Now come! To the operating theatre!
noble does an EXAGGERATED march out of the room exiting leaving laurence a bit confused about what to do while judy and sister hope stare at him with a raised eyebrow
laurence:
(with an innocent laugh) I just play along!
laurence does a more nervous version of noble's march which turns into a run out of the ward exiting
SCENE 15 INT. Nightingale place - flynn household - main LIVING area - DAY
laurence is checking everything is in order for his guests
flynn:
Ok room is… (looks around room) tidy. Booze is… (Gets a beer out of the cooler and tastes it) fresh. I am (sniffs armpits) decent. Great I think that's everything.
the doorbell rings
flynn (CONT'D):
Come in
ziggy flynn enters
ziggy:
Hi
flynn:
Hey.
ziggy:
(looks around room) what's all this?
flynn:
Oh didn't I tell you. I'm having a party.
ziggy:
Party?
flynn:
Yeah I'm hosting graham's stag night
ziggy becomes TERRIFIED and slams the door behind her standing IN FRONT of it for extra SECURITy
ziggy:
What!
flynn:
Are you ok?
ziggy:
What did you just say?
flynn:
I'm hosting Graham's stag night tonight.
ziggy:
Why?
flynn:
Well why not. Noble suggested it. Have some friends over that's how people socialise these day's apparently
ziggy:
You can't socialise. You're a Flynn.
flynn:
What?
ziggy:
Laurence. (pause) why don't we sit down for a minute?
laurence and ziggy sit down on the sofa
flynn:
Are you having a rough day Ziggy?
ziggy:
Laurence. (beat) Things have changed since you last lived with us. Because we don't see much of each other we've all gone in (TRIES to find right words) different directions. And because of that we've had to have restrictions on what we do based on those (pause) different directions
flynn:
Surely one little party won't make a difference.
ziggy:
Please Laurence don't do it! for your own safety!
flynn:
I'm sorry? Look Ziggy if you've got a problem with all this just tell me.
ziggy:
It's not me I'm talking about.
flynn:
Well what then?
ziggy raises her eyebrows
flynn (CONT'D):
Auntie Emma?
ziggy NODS her head fast in fear
laurence gets up and begins to make himself a cup of coffee
flynn (CONT'D):
Look Ziggy. It's one silly bachelor party. It'll be over by tomorrow. If Auntie Emma has a problem with that she can take it out with me!
ziggy:
That's what I'm talking about. Laurence you don't know her as well me. You don't know what she's like
flynn:
Well I can find out in a mature and adult fashion
ziggy:
Please Laurence. You don't know what she'll do to you. She might even…..
flynn:
What? Ziggy! what?
ziggy tries to EXPLAIN but fails from her own EMBARRASSMENT
ziggy:
I can't say it
flynn:
Tell me! Please!
ziggy:
Well you know how Uncle Jack's voice has got a bit higher lately.
flynn:
Yes
ziggy raises her eyebrows
laurence is confused
ziggy NODS her HEAD
laurence shakes his head
ziggy:
(whispering to laurence) You might wanna put your bible on it at night.
laurence is HORRIFIED
laurence:
Don't be silly she wouldn't do that
ziggy:
She would. She knows how to do it in the night so you can't feel anything
laurence:
Well I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that she would do such a thing
ziggy begins to SEARCH for something
laurence (CONT'D):
I don't know what she's been telling you but in my opinion it is wrong for her to fill you up with such vulgar ideas as…
ziggy shows a jar that contains her uncle jack's penis in some water
laurence (CONT'D):
HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT!
LaURENCE FAINTS IN SHOCK
ZIGGY RUNS UP TO him calling his name trying to wake him again in a panic
end of act two
SCENE 16 INT. south middlesex hospital - a and e CUBICAL - DAY
flynn LIES in a bed UNCONSCIOUS
a worried ziggy sits beside him
he slowly wakes up with a groan
ziggy:
Hey how you feeling?
flynn:
(groan with sigh) was that real?
ziggy:
Yes Laurence
flynn:
(sigh) I'm gonna be sick
ziggy:
Yes do before I do. (hand's laurence a bucket) I saw the whole thing
laurence vomits into the bucket
laurence:
Really
ziggy (CONT'D):
Yes it wasn't nice
laurence:
I can imagine
ziggy:
Well I didn't actually see it. I heard it from the upstairs flat. You could picture it from the sounds though.
flynn:
really
ziggy:
Oh yeah. The violent bashing on the table as he attempted to break free of the chains. The sloshing sounds of the cutting of the flesh, the huge scream he let out as his voice slid up two octaves! (pause)
laurence vomits again
ziggy (CONT'D):
It was quite spectacular! (beat) Followed by a loud squish on the floor as it flue across the room!
flynn:
Is their any other food you want me to dispose of while I am here.
noble enters and ziggy blushes at the sight of him
noble:
Ah! You're awake.
flynn:
yes
ziggy:
Hello
noble:
Why hello there sister. Are you and the rest of the choir of angels on the wards today
ziggy:
(wide eyed) oh no not today. Would you like us to be?
flynn:
Yeah yeah I'm in pain here.
noble:
How are you feeling?
flynn:
Terrible
noble:
How did this happen?
ziggy:
Oh we'd rather not talk about it. Let's just say he's seen enough
flynn:
(to noble) this is my sister Ziggy
noble:
Ah! Of course! (shakes hands with ziggy) Your brothers told me all about you!
ziggy:
Oh really?
noble:
Yes. (quietly to flynn) tell me is she the boring one or the psycho one?
ziggy:
What?
laurence TRIES to fake a big INNOCENT laugh to cover up noble's words
flynn:
(puts ARM AROUND ziggy) Noble. That's not very nice? (To Ziggy) Ignore him Ziggy he's always very mean to everyone (whisper) and I think he's on crack
ziggy:
(to noble) it's nice to meet you
noble:
You too
ziggy:
(to LAURENCE) Tell me Laurence. Is this the cynical smoky sadist in a white coat you've been telling me about?
another fake laugh from flynn
flynn:
Ziggy! You and your tasteless jokes. Have you had a hard day at the convent today Ziggy?
ziggy:
No I wasn't there today. Hence why I am here right now being it only 2 pm
flynn:
Well perhaps you should go back. You're getting a smutty again. Ignore her Nobes she's mad.
Noble:
Oh so she's the psycho one then
flynn:
(goes into PANIC mode) NO! (TRIES TO CALM DOWN WITH ANOTHER FAKE LAUGH) Noble we're you going to tell us something.
noble:
Oh yes. Well there doesn't seem to be much damage to your head but it does worry me that you've been unconscious for so many hours
ziggy:
It worries me too doctor
flynn:
Don't worry Noble. My head has built up a resistance to falls from all times I've banged into doors. See
flynn whacks the back of his head only to faint AFTERWARDS
flynn (CONT'D):
(rising up again) ah! See I'm back again.(feeling a sudden rush of pain to the head) Ow that really hurt!
ziggy:
Are you sure you've built up an immunity or is that you've lost so many brain cells your minds forgotten how to react to pain!
sister hope enters
hope:
Doctor noble can I have a word?
noble:
Yeah sure. (to flynn) please excuse me for minute
hope:
Sorry it's just about a patient
noble:
No that's fine
hope:
(to laurence) Oh another stairway slip Flynn?
laurence:
No I just had that's all thank you sister!
hope:
You do have quite a lot of them. Sometimes I feel we should put mats on all over the floors just for you!
flynn:
That wont be necessary
noble and sister hope exit
ziggy:
Laurence.(beat) Your not very popular here are you?
flynn:
(beat) no.
ziggy:
Are you still gonna have this party?
flynn:
Of course
ziggy:
What! Even after all this? Laurence it's not safe!
Flynn:
I know but everyone will hate me if I don't!
ziggy:
Doesn't everyone hate you already?
flynn:
That's not the point!
ziggy:
Well it's your manhood.
flynn:
Can I have some time to think?
ziggy:
I'll be right back
ziggy exits
flynn:
ARGH! This impossible. What is wrong with this stupid world! What am I gonna do. (beat) Ugh! (holding his head) Think Laurence! Think!
silly flynn:
Oh no! Look what you've done now? How you gonna get out of this one eh? Eh? Eh? What you gonna do next eh? Eh? Gonna bang into a door? Eh? Gonna inject someone's fake leg? Eh? Eh? DO SOMETHING FUNNY!
Flynn:
What are you on about?
freaky flynn:
Ignore him. He's feeling a bit corny today. Now mate you know you're making a big fuss for nothing.
flynn:
Really?
freaky flynn:
Yeah. If your auntie Emma's bothering you? Why don't you just kill her! Always works for me!
girly flynn:
Ignore him! He's just being silly!
silly flynn:
Oh no! I'm the silly one. See watch
silly flynn whacks himself with a frying pan
silly flynn:
(freaky high pitched laugh) I'm so funny!
lovey dovey flynn:
Mate this whole thing is a waste of your time!
flynn:
Why?
lovey dovey flynn:
Cause really! Do you think that inviting a huge group of men to your flat is a good way to impress your Judy?
flynn:
Er…. Judy's not gonna be there
lovey dovey flynn:
Oh well it's not a good way to impress any other women you might like is it?
flynn:
No there's no women there.
lovey dovey flynn:
What?
Flynn:
It's a stag night. All male company
lovey dovey flynn:
Oh. (pause) Wanna go gay?
flynn:
What!
lovey dovey flynn:
Come on mate! Gimmie something to do I need some action here! I'm sorry mate but it's like trying to give life to a stone. Come on get in there! Please! My life's so boring I'll turn into stone soon!
sexy flynn:
Ah stop whimpering! Your life isn't half as bad as mine! Believe me. There's less going on in my life than that of a plastic cup!
flynn:
Who are you?
sexy flynn:
I'm your sex life!
girly flynn:
Don't listen to any of them. They're all being very stupid.
silly flynn:
No no! I'm the silly one! See (whacks himself) See! (WHACKS HIMSELF AGAIN)
sexy flynn:
Why are you doing that?
silly flynn:
Well I have to keep myself occupied if he's not gonna do anything don't I?
girly flynn:
Now come on we haven't even got to me yet!
silly flynn:
Yeah well what would you know anyway!
freaky flynn:
Yeah! You're a woman!
GIRLY FLYNN:
I happen to know an awful lot thank you!
freaky Flynn:
Why! He's not a woman!
girly flynn:
He will be if he messes up this party! Now come on all you need to do is calm down for a minute.
flynn:
Oh?
girly flynn:
Yeah. Now let's look at this logically. Do you honestly think that inviting a whole load of drunken gentlemen to your home is a good way to make friends?
flynn:
Well. Why not?
girly flynn:
Well think of your reputation. Think of the women involved
freaky flynn:
Oh here she goes again! Bringing in her feminist views on everything.
girly flynn:
I'm just saying.
sexy flynn:
Your not that useful yourself mate. Always telling him to strange things. As if he's not weird enough already!
flynn:
Hey!
Freaky flynn:
You can talk! You just sit around doing nothing!
sexy flynn:
That's not my fault!
the different variations of flynn start childishly arguing with each other until the real flynn FINALLY stops them
flynn:
PLEASE! STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!
(pause)
FLYNN (CONT'D):
LOOK YOUR NOT HELPING ME. SO IF YOUR GONNA BEHAVE LIKE BASTARDS THEN CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
(pause)
lovey dovey flynn:
As you wish.
silly flynn:
We're only here to help!
girly flynn:
But it's ok if you don't need us. (beat) we'll just go. Come on everyone lets go to a strip club
Freaky flynn:
You're on your own now mate.
the different VARIATIONS of flynn exit
flynn:
(trying to stop them) Oh no! Please! ARGH! (Pause) (PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS) God I'm such a mess! (pause) No. Wait (beat) I can do this! (beat) who cares if my aunties a psycho. (beat) yeah! (beat) Gotta stop being afraid of everything. (beat) gotta be a man!
ziggy enters again
ziggy:
Everything ok?
flynn:
Yes thank you Ziggy!
ziggy:
So are you still gonna have this party?
flynn:
Yes I am!
ziggy:
(whimpering) You're a brave man Laurence!
flynn:
Yes I am. I'm having this stag night and it's gonna be the best bloody stag night any man's ever been too. Cause I'm a man!
ziggy:
Are you sure?
flynn:
Yes I am! And it'll fun! I will enjoy myself! Even if it means I will get completely pissed like Noble! And if Auntie Emma has a problem with that she can stick it up her arse because I don't care!
ziggy:
Well ok!
flynn:
Yes! (pause) Just as long as Auntie Emma is out of the house!
ziggy:
Aw Laurence!
flynn:
No come on Ziggy! You know you wanna!
ziggy:
No Laurence!
flynn:
Come on! Just take her to the virgina monologues she'll love that!
ziggy:
Laurence this has nothing to do with me!
flynn:
Come on Ziggy! Please this is my last chance to make friends. Please!
ziggy:
(beat) (rolling her eyes and sighing) What do I have to do?
flynn:
Just keep her out of the building for a while?
ziggy:
For how long?
flynn:
A month?
ziggy:
What do you suggest I do to keep her out of the house?
flynn:
Go see a play. I can get you member's discount at the National. Go see a Brecht play they last forever!
ziggy:
Laurence I am not gonna spend my evening which could be used to do some well planned praying in a hot, steep seated theatre with a women who gets so drunk she'd think the stewards where the actors.
flynn:
Perhaps they are. They're the ones charging the most money for the ice cream.
ziggy:
Hmm. (beat) Although having said that there are a few things in the west end I'd like to see. Joseph and the amazing dreamcoat
flynn:
Yes. Well there you go. A night out. (beat) Or you could just give her some LSD and she can watch it for half the price.
Ziggy gives laurence the evils
flynn (CONT'D):
Come on at least make an effort
ziggy:
Laurence. You know how I feel about the content of those plays.
flynn:
Exactly so you should be out there checking how bad they are. They've ruined TV but theatre is still yet to be murdered. Why don't you do the honours?
ziggy gives laurence bigger evils
ziggy:
Oh alright but you owe me! And I mean it!
laurence becomes overwhelmed with joy and hugs ziggy's legs in the process
flynn:
Oh thank you! Thank you so much!
ziggy:
It's god you should be thanking
flynn:
(puts hands in praying position) Thank you god! You love me after all! (to ziggy) What are you going to take her to see?
ziggy:
Jesus Christ superstar
flynn:
Again Ziggy. LSD is very cheap these days
ziggy:
I wont take her if you keep insulting me
flynn:
Fine! Fine! You see what you like. Be as sugar coated as you want.
ziggy:
Whatever.(beat) So how are you going to repay me?
flynn brings ziggy closer to him
flynn:
Would you like a picture of Dr Noble to hang up in your room in the convent?
ziggy looks at laurence with concern
ziggy:
Laurence to protect your decency from the Lord, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
noble enters and ziggy blushes
noble:
Sorry I don't mean to interrupt but I do have other patients to see and I would really like to take a look at your brother's head
ziggy:
Yes that's fine. I'm very sorry. Laurence just needed to talk for a minute. I must get back anyway. I'll leave you to it. Have a nice stag night. (quietly to laurence) Your just spoiling me now.
ziggy exits leaving noble confused and flynn looking smart with his eyebrows raised.
SCENE 17 INT. NIGHTINGALE place - flynn household/ext.nightingale place - NIGHT
laurence returns to checking everything is in order for his guests.
flynn:
Ok room is… (looks around room) tidy. Booze is… (Gets a beer out of the cooler and tastes it) fresh. I am (sniffs armpits) basically decent. Great. Everything is as I left it. Good
laurence begins to feel proud of himself until he sees the jar with his uncles penis in still placed on a table
he shuts his eyes tight in his disgust
flynn (CONT'D):
Oh no.
flynn still in his DISGUSTING trance attempts to carry the jar up to the bin where he DESPERATELY EMPTIES it and shoves the jar in the sink with a sigh of relief
he stands nervously before taking the penis of bin and rushing it to the bathroom with a cry of disgust
rushing into the BATHROOM he throws the penis into the toilet and flushes it with another sigh of relief.
however looking in the toilet he finds that the penis is still floating about in the water
in his DESPERATION he tries flushing several times to get it to go down getting even more intense as he does so before FINALLY breaking down
flynn:
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!
Laurence lets out another cry and takes the penis out of the toilet.
He rushes it into the balcony area and chucks it out into the open air
thinking he's FINALLY won he COLLAPSES on the sofa
the doorbell rings
laurence answers it to find a man with his uncles penis stuck to his shoulder look very angry
flynn (CONT'D):
Oh… er
the man INDICATES the penis on his shoulder by moving his head
flynn (CONT'D):
How did you know it's from here?
the man indicates a label stuck on the side of the penis which marks "property of emma millock"
flynn (CONT'D):
Oh. I'm very sorry.
the man exits tutting as he does so
flynn (CONT'D):
(calling to the man) Just to let you know it's not mine!
flynn is left with the dripping penis in his hand which cause to run around in a panic again
FINALLY he heads outside and shoves the penis in the main trash can and runs back into the flat as fast as he can
having FINALLY won he lets out a huge sigh of RELIEF whilst leaning on the counter
however he soon becomes OVERWROUGHT with disgust in the form of vomiting
flynn (CONT'D):
(with mouthful) oh god
flynn runs into the bathroom and vomits into the toilet for while
there is a knock AT THE FRONT DOOR
NOBLE:
(O.O.V) Flynn?
flynn:
(CALLING TO NOBLE) Hang on. I'll be…
flynn vomits some more
another knock
noble:
(O.O.V) Flynn?
lAURENCE:
I'll be there in a minute!
laurence stops and realises the muck on his hands
laurence (CONT'D):
Oh god!
laurence stressfully washes his hands in the basin before running into the main area to answer the door
another knock
LAURENCE (CONT'D):
YEAH ALRIGHT!
laurence opens the door to find noble standing with a case of beer.
noble:
hi
laurence:
(trying to hide his neurosis under a fake smile) hello!
laurence, in his sense of horror, starts endlessly looking around at the corridor leaving noble very confused.
noble:
You alright?
LAURENCE:
Yeah fine. How be you?
noble:
(pause) your moving your head a lot!
laurence:
Er I'm not particularly fond at my ability to see at the moment!
noble:
(pause) ok.
noble enters the flAT, LOOKS AROUND AND IS IMPRESSED.
NOBLE (CONT'D):
Wow it is huge!
flynn:
I know would you believe it! (quietly to himself) it has a catch though!
noble:
What?
flynn:
Nothing. Have I got enough alcohol?
noble:
Don't worry about that! (gets out a full case of "fosters" beer) I bought a whole case of beer!
flynn:
Oh…. Can I ask why?
noble:
In case you bought the wrong type. (looks at flynn's booze) ah yeah! See! Graham hates XXXX.
laurence:
(pause) (rolls eyes) Noble you don't have to humiliate me again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again!
noble:
(cutting flynn off) Flynn! Relax! I'm here now.
laurence:
(sarcasm) That makes me feel a lot more relaxed! (rolls eyes)
noble:
Just enjoy the party!
flynn:
Ok well are you sure this going to work?
noble:
Yes. Now let yourself go! They'll be here in a minute.
noble heads the bathroom
flynn:
Where are you going?
noble:
To freshen up in your bathroom!
noble exits
flynn:
(calling to noble) don't touch my shaving foam!
the doorbell rings
flynn (CONT'D):
Ok (takes a deep breath) I can do this!
flynn walks to answer the door to find Dr adam swain and Dr Richard hicks behind it
they both are sort of displeased to see laurence
richard:
Er hi
adam:
(beat) is Graham here?
noble enters again and goes all "laddy" when he sees the other two men
noble:
YEAH!
RICHARD AND ADAM:
YEAH!
richard:
Alright Stephen!
noble:
Where's the victim then?
adam:
He'll be here in a minute. He's filling up on cheep booze from Tesco's!
noble:
Hey look. (shows adam and richard a porn video tape) Sexy woman!
adam:
Ah! man I haven't seen that since college!
dr david WHITEBRIDGE enters with 5 other men
david:
YEAH!
NOBLE, ADAM AND RICHARD:
YEAH!
ADAM:
Alright Dave!
flynn:
(to himself) is it me or does the word "Yeah" mean more than I think it does?
noble:
(to david) Hey did you get the crisps?
david:
(shows some large packets of crisps of DIFFERENT FLAVOURS) look at these.
adam:
(Taking David's "Nuts" magazine) hey gimmie that! (looks through mag) Ah yeah! Anderson! Anniston! Oh oh oh! Girls Aloud!
all (EXCEPT flynn):
AH YEAH!
noble:
This is gonna be good!
dr chris davenport enters with 4 other men
chris:
HEY!
NOBLE, RICHARD AND DAVID:
YEAH!
richard:
Come join the fun!
flynn:
(getting concerned about the amount of men in his flat) Noble?
noble:
Yes Flynn?
flynn:
How many people did you invite?
gasman enters
gasman:
Hello!
NOBLE:
GASMAN!
Gasman:
Everything well Dr Noble?
noble:
Oh yes my lord of the sleep smoke! How be you?
gasman:
Good thank you Dr Noble.
NOBLE:
Have you found your lucky pen yet?
gasman:
No I'm afraid not! But while I was under the floor I did get my legs stuck in some very thinly spaced pipes (SMILES PSYCHOTICALLY) which was just as pleasing!
noble:
(to anyone in the room) Hey where's Geoff?
adam:
He's downstairs urinating in the hall!
flynn:
What!
noble:
Oh really? (goes over to the staircase OUTSIDE the flat and calls down to geoff) OI MATE! COME DO THAT UP HERE!
FLYNN:
NOBLE!
Noble:
Relax Flynn!
dr geoff kitchman enters whist doing up his flies causing all the doctors to laugh at him and call him "lightweight"
geoff:
Yeah alright! Alright! Listen I've seen Graham he'll be here in 2 minutes so get ready!
noble:
We'll already for him!
terry enters
terry:
Hi everyone!
noble:
Terry! You made it!
terry:
Yes I know it's not a celebration of my sexuality but a whole load of drunk men in one place! (beat) I'm up for it!
geoff takes a peek around the door
geoff:
Alright he's coming!
all the men hide a for a moment
dr graham lowestoft enters
graham:
(to himself) ok here's number 56
all:
(appearing from hiding places) YEAH!
flynn:
(to himself) is this going to go on all night?
noble:
How you doing mate?
graham:
Ah brilliant. You guys are great mates for doing this!
david:
Nah! Mate you know we weren't gonna let you get away with it! You can't get hitched without saying goodbye to ya freedom!
chris:
Plus we needed a place to drink!
everyone (minus LAURENCE) does a load laddish laugh
richard:
Come on then!
chris:
What?
richard:
Lets get this party STARTED!
LOAD CHEER FROM EVERYONE WHO THEN GO TO SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA AND FLOORS NEARBY SMOKING CIGARETTES, CHATTING ETC
RICHARD (CONT'D):
(TO FLYNN) OI YOU!
FLYNN:
What?
richard:
GET SOME BOOZE OVER HERE! WE'RE DYING!
Flynn:
ok
RICHARD:
AND PUT SOME TUNES ON! THIS PLACE IS DULL!
NOBLE:
(INSERTING THE PORNO VIDEO TAPE INTO LAURENCE'S PLAYER) Lets bring on the WOMEN!
Flynn:
(to himself with a slight eye roll) I don't think I'm gonna like this!
laurence inserts a cd into his player resulting in the beastie boy's "intergalactic" to start playing loudly around the room.
SCENE 18 INT. a west end theatre - NIGHT
its at the interval of "jesus christ superstar".
Emma is sitting in her chair looking board while ziggy DESPERATELY pretends she is ENJOYING herself
ziggy:
Isn't this great!
emma gives ziggy the evils
a passing steward enters
steward:
(to emma) would you like ice cream madam?
emma:
(beat) well alright but I'm not paying you much. This is awful!
ziggy:
(innocent fake laugh) er Auntie Emma don't be rude! (TO HERSELF QUIETLY) Oh! He better be naked in that photo! (GETS REALLY NERVOUS and starts praying again) Oh no I didn't mean that! I'm sorry please forgive me lord of faith! (mimes holy cross in a panic).
SCENE 19 INT. nightingale place - laurence's flat - main area/ bathroom - night
the boys are getting drunk and enjoying being prats
laurence, who is now very drunk and close to vomit point, CONTINUES to not enjoy himself
adam:
(showing graham a blow up women sex doll) Hey! Hey! Look what we got!
graham:
Ah! One at time on that!
everyone lets out another huge laddish laugh
noble:
MORE BOOZE!
Laurence:
No Noble! No more!
noble:
Aw what!
david:
Yeah who let this lightweight in anyway?
flynn:
It's my house!
david:
Oh
richard:
That explains the dullness then!
david cackles
laurence:
(V.O.) ugh. Why did I agree to do this. What's the point in having a party if no one appreciates you for it!
noble:
Come on Flynn! (indicates pimms bottle) Get some of this down you!
laurence:
No
noble:
Come on! You wanna fit in don't
laurence:
Oh…wait…Noble
before laurence can finnish his sentence noble pours half a bottle of pimms down his THROAT to cheers from various NEARBY houseguests
when he FINISHES, laurence coughs himself to death until he feels vomit coming up to the surface
laurence (CONT'D):
(holding his mouth) Oh god!
laurence runs into the bathroom with all the other men laughing at him and calling him "lightweight"
he then throws up a for while moaning as he does so.
His MOBILE phone which was in his pocket goes off and he answers it only to find it's his grandma (charlotte) on the end of the phone.
he tries to talk to her DESPITE being very DISORIENTATED and drunk.
laurence:
(on phone) Grandma! Hello! (beat) Yeah I'm fine how be you? (beat) Oh that's great when did he get that? (beat) Oh right…. So is it a town house or….(beat) Semi detached. Right. Well good for him then! (beat) no no I'm fine I'm just you know…settling in. (beat) yeah…. Sorry could you excuse me for one minute? (beat) thank you
laurence puts the phone to one side and vomits into the toilet again.
he now is breathing loudly
laurence (CONT'D):
(to himself) (LOOKING AT THE VOMIT) Oh good. Their goes the 300 grams of coffee I had this mourning. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll fall asleep through this party. (beat) if not I can just come back for more can't I (INNOCENTLY LAUGHS TO HIMSELF) (beat) Oh god!
laurence vomits again
he then picks up the phone
laurence (CONT'D):
(on phone) Oh no no don't worry! No I'm popular (beat) yeah yeah I'm popular. It's good… good…very good
laurence faints
SCENE 20 INT. nightingale place - laurence's flat - main living area/outside corridor/bathroom - NIGHT
the beastie boy's "fight for your right" starts playing
richard:
(to everyone in the room) Oi shut up I love this song!
all:
Yeah!
all the boys start singing along to the song
all:
You wake up late for school man you don't wanna go
You ask you mom, "Please?" but she still says, "No!"
You missed two classes and no homework
But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk. You gotta fight for your right to party!
everyone goes back to getting pissed and fooling around.
we cut to outside where juanita macatinez walks up to the door of the flat. She seems very worried.
When she hears the music she puts her ear close to the door in an ATTEMPT to work out what is happening
cut back to the main area
david:
Hey where's the doll?
noble:
(shows the blow up doll) right behind you!
david:
(taking the doll off noble) Ah! Give me a go on that!
noble:
Hey watch my drink. I'm going for a piss
noble heads for the bathroom but when he sees the door is closed, he knocks
noble (CONT'D):
Flynn?
getting no answer he enters the door to find flynn semi-UNCONSCIOUS on the floor with vomit on his face and clothes and on the floor
noble (CONT'D):
Oh god.
laurence moans
noble (CONT'D):
Come on Flynn. Lets get you some fresh air
noble helps flynn up and supports him while they MOVE through the main area to the balcony
flynn CONTINUES to moan in his DISORIENTATION.
chris:
(TO NOBLE) Hey Stephen? (shows noble 4 BOTTLES of different types of whisky) Look at this!
noble:
Hey don't you open that until I get back!
flynn and noble exit onto the balcony
SCENE 21 EXT. nightingale place - laurence's flat - balcony - NIGHT
laurence sits on the SWING-ABLE bench on the balcony.
He is COVERED with a duvet and is drinking a cup of warm tea still in a DISORIENTATED state
noble sits next ot him and "COMFORTS" him
laurence lets out a huge groan
noble:
Wow. Isn't this the best!
flynn:
(trying to get his VISION back) oh… what's going on!
noble:
Believe me if I had my way to what paradise would be. This would be it!
flynn:
This sucks!
noble:
What! Are you not enjoying yourself?
flynn:
No! I feel like shit!
noble:
That's cause your not drunk enough. (tries to hand flynn a beer can) Here have some beer!
flynn:
No! I think I've had enough and I think you have too!
noble:
Nonsense I could manage a few more beers!
noble, in his state of DRUNKENNESS, takes a near by hanging flower bed and pours the water into his mouth drinking it
laurence watches in horror
noble (CONT'D):
(WIPING his mouth and putting the plant back) Ah nothing like the liquid of life eh Flynn?
flynn:
(pause) my god your pissed!
noble:
Yeah. Pissed like a urinal!
noble laughs his head off at his very poor joke.
Laurence remains bemused
flynn:
I don't get it!
noble:
Cause you don't get it! Your not drunk enough! (trying again to give laurence the beer can) Here have some beer!
flynn:
No! Absolutely not!
noble:
Ah the hell with you. You know what your problem is Flynn?
flynn:
What?
Noble:
Your afraid to try out new things
flynn:
Really. You know I'm beginning to wonder why. Probably because I'll end up like this!
noble:
Ah lighten up. This isn't so bad!
flynn:
Noble! I'm half at fainting point, I'm as dizzy as a spinning top, my mouth tastes like vomit and I've just wet myself!
noble:
(CONCERNed) Eh?
flynn:
No wait.(pause) Now I have!
laurence completely breaks down and puts his face in his hands in complete EMBARRASSMENT
noble:
Yes but your popular! And because your poplar your can live your life to max and love every bit of it!
flynn:
Well it must not be working on me because I'm not loving every bit of my life. In fact I hate myself right now!
noble:
That's cause your not adding enough excitement to it! You've got to be like me!
flynn:
Really?
noble:
Yes. You've gotta be living your life like you'll never forget it! Gotta be ready when nature calls
flynn:
Please don't rub it in my face Noble!
noble begins to undo his flies
noble:
You see Flynn. In my opinion you should be ready for what's ever coming in your life. Like I am now
flynn:
What are you doing?
noble:
Gonna try and hit that tree!
flynn:
Oh your disgusting Noble!
noble:
You can talk. You've just wet yourself. Oh isn't it great that you can finally hear that phrase about yourself Flynn!
noble urinates over the side of the balcony letting out a satisfying sigh as he does so
SCENE 22 EXT. street - NIGHT
Ziggy and Emma are walking back from the theatre
emma is very displeased with how she's had to spend her night
ziggy CONTINUES to fake her enjoyment
ziggy:
Well I don't know about you but I loved every minute of that didn't you Auntie Emma?
emma:
Remind me again why we did that again darling?
ziggy:
Well I thought we ought to get out of the house for once. (QUIETLY to herself) While the lock's broken
emma:
Yes well if you want my honest opinion darling. I think there are better ways for women to spend their lives. I personally enjoy the crossword puzzle. I shall teach it to you tomorrow
ziggy:
Right. I better get that lock fixed then!
ziggy sees from a distance that the party is still going on in laurence flat
ziggy (CONT'D):
Oh no!
emma:
(beat) Is something bothering you darling?
ziggy:
(cutting emma off) Why do we have to go home now?
emma is confused
emma:
(beat) I'm sorry darling?
ziggy:
Lets go to a café! Girl's night out eh?
emma stares at ziggy with concern
emma:
(pause) Ziggy darling have you heard of sleep?
ziggy:
yes
emma:
Well you should do it more often, it would suit you!
ziggy:
(trying to block the sight of the party from emma) Oh come on!
emma:
Out of our way darling!
ziggy:
(DESPERATE) Come on you know you love me!
emma sees the party in the distance and becomes INSTANTLY horrified
emma:
What an earth!
after a short pause noble's urine starts pouring down onto the STREET IN FRONT of the two women
ziggy:
(innocent) Oh look Auntie Emma it's raining!
laurence (who is o.o.v) vomits down onto the street
ziggy (CONT'D):
It's snowing!
emma becomes FURIOUS and towards the building grabbing ziggy by the arm and taking her with her exiting
SCENE 23 EXT. nightingale place - laurence's flat - balcony/ INT. laurence's flat - main living area/outside corridor - NIGHT
noble does up his flies having FINISHED his "BUSINESS"
FLYNN:
I can't believe you just did that!
noble:
I can but the bloody stop sign made it bounce away from the tree!
flynn:
Oh god! I'm gonna go get change. Please for god sake don't do that again!
noble:
oh well I'll try Flynn but you know when nature calls I just have to go with it!
the doorbell rings
noble (CONT'D):
Doorbell!
flynn:
Aw what! What now?
noble:
Relax it's probably just the penis shape cake!
flynn:
I didn't order a penis shaped cake!
noble:
No but we did!
noble cackles
flynn:
Can I ask why? Surely a boob shaped cake would be more appropriate!
noble:
Oh yeah (another cackle) That's even better than the male stripper!
noble lets out another loud cackle and laurence rolls his eyes
flynn:
Oh for god sake!
laurence attempts to exit the balcony but finds himself banging into various parts of the wall in ATTEMPT to find the door
flynn (CONT'D):
Where's the door?
noble opens the door for flynn who exits THROUGH it into the main area
he then, whilst holding onto things in an attempt to keep his balance heads for the door
we then cut to juanita outside ringing the doorbell still in her worried state
laurence answers the door
laurence:
Aw what now!
laurence becomes instantly shocked when he sees juanita at the door and changes his tone to a much softer, caring one
laurence (CONT'D):
Juanita!
juanita:
Doctor Flynn?
laurence:
This a nice surprise. How'd you get here?
juanita starts crying
juanita:
(in spanish) I'm sorry
laurence picks up his keys from the side, shuts the door and goes to COMFORT juanita
laurence:
Oh no don't cry! What's wrong?
juanita:
(spanish) I didn't know who else to turn to.
laurence:
(in spanish) It's ok. What's happened? Is this about this mourning
juanita:
(SPANISH) I have to leave for Spain tomorrow
laurence:
(spanish) I know. Why are you gonna miss us?
JUANITA lets out a big sob
laurence (CONT'D):
(SPANISH) Oh no. I'm sorry. (beat) look has something happened?
juanita:
(SPANISH) (beat) It's Pedro. He wants a divorce!
laurence:
(SPANISH) A divorce! You were married?
juanita:
(SPANISH) Yes. We married too young but I thought it would last much longer than this!
laurence:
(SPANISH) What happened?
juanita:
(SPANISH) He says he doesn't love me anymore. He's been seeing an air hostess while I've been in England. He wants to marry her.
LAURENCE:
(SPANISH) That's terrible!
juanita:
(SPANISH) I know. What's even worse is what my family will think. Their already ashamed of me for not giving them any grandchildren! They say I care too much about my work but I love being a nurse! I'm not ready. I'm too young you know?
laurence:
(SPANISH) Of course you are
juanita:
(spanish) I can't believe it. I'm only 27 and I'm already divorced. Love must hate me!
laurence:
(SPANISH) Don't say that!
juanita:
(SPANISH) Why not. I thought being married was supposed to make you happy but it doesn't it's just full of heartbreak!
laurence:
(SPANISH) Not always.
JUANITA:
(SPANISH) I doubt it!
laurence:
(SPANISH) No erm. (tries to find the right words) Look just because one person can't handle a relationship with you doesn't mean another one couldn't.(beat) (TO HIMSELF) take Judy for example.
juanita:
(SPANISH) Oh. Are you ok?
laurence:
(SPANISH) What? Oh no forgive my soppiness. I'm a bit drunk!
juanita:
(SPANISH) oh?(beat) How drunk?
laurence:
(SPANISH) Well lets just say in my eyes you're a vegetable!
juanita:
(SPANISH) Oh! What type of vegetable?
LAURENCE:
(SPANISH) a strawberry!
juanita:
(SPANISH) (CONCERNed) (pause) your very drunk!
laurence:
(SPANISH) Yeah I know
juanita:
(SPANISH) Oh Doctor Flynn I don't want to go back to Spain! I hate it there! The work is horrible everyone always competes with each other! I like it here! Everyone's so nice!
laurence:
(SPANISH) Yes we are I suppose. (HAVING MEMORIES OF BULLYING) At least to some people!
juanita:
(SPANISH) what am I going to do? I thought England would just pass over me but it's made me realise how unhappy I was in Spain. I don't wanna go!
laurence:
(SPANISH) (pause) then stay.
juanita:
(SPANISH) (beat) What? Oh no I couldn't! Where would I work?
laurence:
(SPANISH) Get a job at South Middlesex! Start a fresh!
juanita:
(SPANISH) really?
laurence:
(SPANISH) Yeah! We always need new nurses as you know. (TO HIMSELF) And it would be nice to have one that Noble hasn't shagged!
juanita:
(SPANISH) That would be great! But where would I live?
laurence:
(SPANISH) Live here with me!
juanita:
(SPANISH) What?
laurence:
(SPANISH) Well not with me. But there's a flat downstairs that's not being used. It's not expensive to rent!
juanita:
(SPANISH) (EXCITED) Really!
laurence:
(SPANISH) Yeah. Why don't you move in tomorrow! It'll be nice have a friend around!
juanita gives flynn a big hug
juanita:
(SPANISH) Oh thank you so much! You don't know what this means to me!
laurence:
(SPANISH) Oh no it's fine! Now I can get to know you more
the two share a laugh
laurence:
Your beautiful
juanita:
(SPANISH) what?
laurence:
(SPANISH) (trying to hide what he just said) You're a different vegetable now! Your now a carrot!
juanita:
(SPANISH) oh good! Your drunkenness is wearing off. I like carrots!
laurence:
(SPANISH) oh great!
juanita:
(SPANISH) (noticing the wet patch on laurence's jeans) Oh! You spilt something?
laurence gets very EMBARRASSED
laurence:
(SPANISH) Oh erm… Yes I spilt my tea. How very rude of me. I meant to get changed but…
juanita:
(SPANISH) (COMFORTING laurence by placing her hand on his cheek) It's ok your drunk.
laurence:
(SPANISH) (blushing) Oh… right…yes
the two stare at each other sharing a somewhat "romantic" moment
suddenly a delivery man enters
DELIVERY MAN :
(COUGHS) (IN A POSH INNOCENT ACCENT) One penis cake sir!
laurence:
(putting his head in his hand) Oh for god sake!
adam pokes his head around the door and sees the cake
adam:
Ah great! It's here! (takes the cake)
laurence:
Aw!
juanita:
(SPANISH) What's going on in there!
laurence:
Oh no!
juanita opens the door to find the whole crowd of men STARING at her and LAURENCE with big smiles of EXCITEMENT on their faces
chris:
(to flynn) Oi oi! Who's this then?
adam:
We didn't invite a women! She must be the STRIPPER!
JUANITA:
(DISGUSTED) (SPANISH) What the bloody love of shit!
noble:
Hey Flynn! You got a stripper?
flynn:
NO! I…
noble:
My god. This man keeps on giving and giving doesn't he!
juanita:
Aie!
CHRIS:
Great now Dave doesn't have to do it!
richard:
You could have got a themed one though! (looking at juanita's "casual" outfit) Look what she's wearing!
david:
Hey! As teachers always say when your being bullied… it's what's on the inside that counts!
richard:
Well lets see her in action then!
chris:
Yeah! Take em off!
JUANITA:
(SPANISH) What on earth!
flynn:
No you don't understand!
chris:
(to flynn) Shut up lightweight! (TO NOBLE) Get some music on this girl!
noble:
Right o!
noble goes up to laurence's hi-fi SYSTEM and puts on his goldfrapp cd resulting in "ohh la la" being played
chris:
YAY! Perfect!
ALL THE MEN CHEER AND JUANITA STANDS STILL FOR A MOMENT NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO
HOWEVER AFTER A FEW MINUTES SHE SMILES AND TAKES HER PLACE ON TOP OF LAURENCE'S DINNER TABLE READY TO STRIP
laurence watches in horror
LAURENCE:
(TO JUANITA) (SPANISH) What are you doing?
JUANITA:
(SPANISH) Pedro would have hated this! (to all the men) Aie!
juanita begins to STRIP in time to the music
this goes on for a while. During in which she brings graham close to her on the table and starts flirting to him much to his enjoyment.
laurence stands and watches in horror
flynn:
Noble this wasn't meant to happen! What do it do!
noble:
(DRUNK) Flynn. Why can't you just sit back and watch what your missing in your life!
laurence looks at noble DISGUSTED to what he has just SAID
JUANITA has stripped down to her underwear and boots and graham has joined the crowd of men again
juanita:
(SPANISH) Who's next?
richard:
What she say?
graham:
She said "Who's next"
all the men battle for juanita's CHOOSING with load shouting
noble calms them down
noble:
Alright! Alright! Come on gentleman! Why don't we let our (indicates flynn) host get this one!
flynn:
Oh Noble! No!
all:
YEAH!
Noble:
Come on Flynn!
FLYNN:
NO!
JUANITA MAKES A CALLING GESTURE TO FLYNN WITH HER FINGERS
DAVID:
Oh! She's calling you mate!
richard:
You wouldn't wanna keep a women waiting!
noble:
(pushing flynn onto the table) Get up there Flynn!
to loud cheers from the crowd, JUANITA does some hard flirting with flynn including undoing the top buttons of his shirt and licking his chest. During this period laurence becomes more and more TERRIFIED
This goes on for a while but is broken when emma enters fuming with rage with a TERRIFIED ziggy
emma:
SO!
the music stops as LAURENCE SEES EMMA AND BECOMES OVERWHELMED WITH EMBARRASSMENT while juanita falls off the table
laurence:
(high pitched and tearful) Oh god!
emma:
So! This is what I come home too. A bunch of drunk, scruffy men slobbering over a naked women! How predictable!
the men, as they watch her rant, QUIETLY giggle at emma
emma (CONT'D):
I don't know what you laughing at! No wait! I do! Your laughing at a women shouting her knickers off at you! You've just never seen it before because the TV has always been on!
emma sees juanita and directs her attention to her
emma (CONT'D):
Oh and what do we have here! A whore!
juanita is confused
emma (CONT'D):
(to juanita) I never got ask any of you people how you manage it! Tell me do any of your clients sit and yell at the television while you dance for them! (beat) Or are they just as happy reading the newspaper?
juanita:
(beat) (spanish) what?
emma (CONT'D):
(shocked) (pause) (to the men) Oh you idiots. The poor girl can't even speak English! (beat) (LOOKING AT JUANITA) Well I have to congratulate you she is a good catch! Don't rely on it though it wont last long! (beat) Especially when she gets to my age and has lines all over her body that wont be nice will it!
the men CONTINUE to giggle
emma (CONT'D):
Oh you find that funny do you! I bet you dream all day about removing her knickers! (beat) Well you'll be disappointed! You never know what's behind those things these days! (beat) For all you know it could be one of your thingys! (beat) I wouldn't try touching it either. You never know how she'll react! (beat) And if your not careful you'll find yourself with blood all over your hands! (beat) That's what happens if you get us mad! (pause) Oh look at all of you. A bunch of dazed, desperate little bastards! Sometimes I wonder how you manage it. How many brain cells you've lost from all that muck you feed yourself on when your board! Yet you still get offered jobs don't you! Probably because your employer has lost so many brain cells that he can identify with you more! (pause)
the men CONTINUE to giggle and emma turns her attention to laurence getting up close to him
emma (CONT'D):
Tell me Laurence darling! Are you so desperate to see what a woman hides behind her cloth that you have to hire your own specimen! (beat) Perhaps you'd like to find out by removing mine!
laurence bursts into tears and COLLAPSES at emma's knees
emma (CONT'D):
(COMFORTING laurence) Oh my poor nephew! How did you end up in such a horrible mould! (beat) Oh don't worry darling. Your young. There's still time for you to have the operation! You're a surgeon you could do it yourself!
laurence lets out bigger cries and ziggy watches in horror
emma (CONT'D):
It'll take you away where they wont hurt you darling! It doesn't hurt. (beat) Oh you can cry all you want! You should ask yourself how your sister feels darling! She's not allowed to show hers to anyone!
ziggy:
Auntie Emma!
emma (CONT'D):
Look at her. You probably imagine how many men are piling up asking themselves what her's is like but they'll never know will they!
ziggy:
AUNTIE EMMA!
emma (CONT'D):
Perhaps you'd like to find out darling I mean you seem very interested. You've been crying on mine for a long time would you like to see more?
ziggy grabs emma by the arm and drags her out of the room
ziggy:
ALRIGHT THAT'S IT YOUR GOING DOWNSTAIRS!
EMMA EXITS
ZIGGY (CONT'D):
(to the crowd) (EMBARRASSED) Er. Sorry (beat) It's probably best if you don't ask to many questions! (beat) god bless you all!
ziggy runs off terrified
laurence slowly stands up still flooded with tears
seeing everyone's shocking stare at him he breaks down into an angry rant
flynn:
OK THERE YOU HAVE IT! YES! I FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO MIX WITH WHAT YOU DO! YES! I'M A COMPLETE SOCIAL REJECT THAT CAN'T COMPETE WITH THE REAL WORLD! WELL AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHY! YES! I'M A NEUROTIC CLUMSY LITTLE TWIT WHO'S PENIS IS THE SIZE OF A WATSIT! WELL I TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU GOT VERY CLOSE TO IT NOT BEING EVEN THAT CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WOMEN CAN DO! YOU WERE ALL RIGHT! YES! YES! I CAN'T STOP SAYING YES! YES! I AM A COMPLETE FAILURE AND BEFORE YOU ASK YES I HAVE JUST WET MYSELF AT YOUR EXPENSE AND I CAN TELL YOU IT WASN'T EASY CONSIDERING HOW BUSY I WAS VOMITING UP ALL THE SHIT THAT YOU CAN SAFELY GULP DOWN YOUR SYSTEMS EVERYDAY WELL I ADMIRE ALL OF YOU. I ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT AS STRONG AS YOU ALL ARE BUT AS YOU KNOW THAT'S PROBABLY DUE TO ME NOT HAVING ENOUGH OF YOU IN MY LIFE AND THAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS ME TO BE THE OPPOSITE OF YOU WHICH I CAN'T HELP! SO YOU RIGHT TO STARE AT ME BECAUSE BELIEVE ME I FIND IT AS HILARIOUS AS YOU DO! IN FACT I'M FINDING IT SO FUNNY I'M GONNA LAUGH AT MYSELF RIGHT NOW! (FREAKY HIGH PITCHED LAUGH) IN FACT WHY DON'T YOU LAUGH WITH ME THAT'LL BE SOMETHING WE HAVE IN COMMON. COME ON! (ANOTHER FREAKY HIGH PITCHED LAUGH)
PAUSE AS EVERYONE STARES AT FLYNN IN FRIGHT
FLYNN (CONT'D):
IN FACT I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME TO CRY. THAT'LL BE MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE ON YOUR BEHALF! IT'S WORKED A MILLION TIMES BEFORE SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TRY?
GRAHAM:
(TO NOBLE) Stephen can we leave? This man is scaring me!
noble:
Er…yep
graham:
(to the crowd) come on guys. Lets go to my house. It's safer there
the boys begin to leave
graham (CONT'D):
(to juanita) You can come with us!
juanita:
Oo!
Juanita grabs her clothes and leaves with the others
noble:
(to laurence) Look Flynn…
flynn:
No Noble. Thanks for trying. It wasn't gonna work for me.
noble:
Look…
flynn:
No go and join the others I know you want to!
noble, with a sigh, joins the others exiting
when laurence is left alone, he sits down on the sofa and puts his head in his hands with a sob
SCENE 24 INT. mess - NIGHT
laurence is attempting to make coffee in his melancholic state
after pouring out the boiling water from the kettle he tries to spoon up some coffee
when he finds out there is no coffee left, he sighs and grabs a tea bag and makes himself a cup of tea
laurence's bleeper, which was, on the side board, goes off by playing a realtone version of the white stripe's "black math"
flynn:
(to the bleeper) yeah you think you're the only one in pain. Get a ticket and wait in line.
noble enters
noble:
Hey Flynn.
flynn ignores noble and makes tea in a tea pot
noble (CONT'D):
You know that's the tea pot Graham vomited in!
laurence rolls his eyes and pours the tea he was making down the sink as well as dropping the tea pot itself in the sink
flynn:
(pause) Look I already feel agonised about what happened yesterday so whatever mean or snide comment you have to make about it. Write it on a post-it note and stick it on my window. I'm going to sleep!
noble:
What you didn't enjoy yourself?
flynn:
No Noble I didn't. And if you don't mind I wont be organising any more parties in the future unless you want to give me a nervous breakdown which I would completely understand if that was your target as it's seems to be everyone else's.
noble:
What are you talking about? It was brilliant! Graham had a blast!
flynn:
(curious) Really?
noble:
Yeah he said your auntie was the most hilarious thing he'd ever seen! He wants to give her a slot at the comedy club!
flynn:
(rolling his eyes) oh.
noble:
Look Flynn…
flynn:
No Noble. I appreciate you really giving a good go at this mentoring thing but you can't solve everything in my life. I'm not gonna try and mix any more.
noble:
(stunned) Oh (beat) can I ask why?
flynn:
(beat) Noble I'm not like you. Ok. I didn't have friends when I was growing up. I'm not surprised I don't have any now. Lets just leave it at that
laurence attempts to exit
noble:
Flynn…
flynn:
No Noble. I really you trying but (beat) your wasting your time!
laurence attempts again to leave but is stopped by noble
noble:
Wait. Flynn
flynn:
No please.
noble:
No let me say this! (pause) listen I thought about what happened yesterday and… I realise what you must be going through in your life at the moment is quite… difficult… and I don't know if it would make the slightest bit of difference but…(shows flynn a small book wrapped in some wrapping paper) I got you this!
flynn:
Oh what's this? Another vile of adrenaline?
noble:
No! Open it!
after a short pause. Flynn does so revealing the book to be a rather bright red diary
noble (CONT'D):
It's a diary. Write about your life.
flynn:
(surprised) Oh. (Pause) Thanks Noble
noble:
Your welcome. (puts his hand on flynn's shoulder) Don't give up yet mate! (beat) It would be a shame if you did. (pause) see you tomorrow.
Noble exits
Laurence takes a look at his red diary and goes to sit down on the sofa with it
he takes a pen from his top white coat pocket and begins to write
laurence:
(V.O.) Dear diary. (angry) Well you'll never guess what happened to me yesterday!
Laurence looks up and after a short pause laughs to himself
laurence (CONT'D):
(V.O.) (smiling) yep you'll never guess what happened to me yesterday but I can tell you I'm lucky to be talking to you about it. At least in my own tone of voice!
Noble enters again
noble:
Oh just one other thing. If it ever were to come up again for… whatever reason or circumstance it may be (beat) I would be more than happy to perform the operation!
laurence puts his head in his hands
black out
END OF EPISODE