In the Beginning…
"This is all your fault, you and that book!" I hissed at her, somewhat upset by the situation that we currently found ourselves in. She glared back.
"No it isn't! It's his fault!"
"Oh yes, terribly sorry," I immediately recognized the truth of her words. We turned as one to glare at the blond guy wearing all black who was spouting nonsense about what his gods were going to do to 'them' when they finally got around to executing us for his stupidity. The 'Lord Righteous' was alternating his stupid tirade that was pissing off our guards even more than was absolutely necessary with begging Bambi to take him back so that he can spend his last moments with the 'comfort of having his only beloved in his arms'.
"Ha, this is coming from the guy who called her an icy bitch?" Icia snorted disdainfully and moved protectively closer to Bambi who was studiously avoiding any part of the cell that he happened to occupy.
Yeah it was all his fault. You see it all started like this…
Whymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhyme?! Dear Lord what did I do to deserve this punishment?!
"You have that 'why me?' look on your face. Oh come on it's not that bad," Mara said sotto voice, not noticing the furry shadow that approached her from the side.
"Not bad? Excuse me while I rip off my own arm and bludgeon myself into unconsciousness so that I may no longer endure the agony that is known as 'DMing for the emotionally and mentally unstable"
Suddenly a scream ripped across the clamor of our small group of 'adventurers'.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOU STUPID SATAN POSSESSED DEMONIC FELINE!!! DIE!!!" The incredibly disturbed blonde shrieked at an unnatural volume as she snatched up a spray bottle that said 'Sun Ripened Raspberries' in bright purple letters across the front.
"Mara, get a hold of yourself!" Icia grabbed the popcorn bowl that Mara had nearly overturned in her haste to grab her weapon of assault.
"Ah dude, you should get a band aide," Bambi said mildly.
"Or a psychiatrist," I muttered softly.
"OR A MEDIC! MY GOD WHY DOES THIS… THIS THING HATE ME SO MUCH?!"
"Chill out Grimmara, it's just a cat."
"It's your own fault, you shouldn't have touched his stomach like that," I defended my poor widdle Lucivar.
"Just a cat?! But it was just there! How was I to know he'd swear an eternal vendetta against my very soul?!"
"Aren't we being jush' a lil' ltil', jush' a bit over dramatic here?" the slightly sloshed Jack slurred from his corner.
"NO! You're not the one who was just mauled by the maniacal furry ball of death! So if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean my gaping wound!" She stormed out muttering darkly about 'just wait… kabobs'.
"Sheesh, it was just a little scratch. Awww, who's my cweam puuuuff? You didn't hurt your poor paw on her hand you sweet thing, did you my poor cuddiwy baby?"
"HA CUDDILY?!?! About as CUDDILY as SEA URCHIN!!! Try to hug it, NNYAAHH! POISONOUS SPIKES!!!!!!!" Mara thundered from the bathroom, obviously still mildly miffed.
"That is sssssooooo not fair! You know he wouldn't mind you if hadn't tried to jiggle his tummy when you first met him!" I defended my poor innocent baby.
"He's really not that bad. He let's me touch him," Icia pointed out… helpfully.
"It's just a fucking cat! No one gives a damn that you're having an ongoing feud with a cat!" Bambi called.
"WELL EXCUSE ME IF I'M NOT GETTING STALKED BY A DEPRESSED BACKSTREET BOY WANNABE, WHO FLINGS ROSES AND BAD ALLEGORICAL LETTERS AT MY FEET!!!"
Whymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhymewhyme?! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! The English!!
I couldn't help it, I curled up into a fetal position on the floor muttering about walls and accidents and suddenly jumped up screaming, "AND SO MAY YOU ALL!!!!!!!" Naturally my friends realized I was having a repressed memory seizure from my time in the Nazi Death Camp, er, AP English and chose to ignore that.
"Well if NotSo even tries to come over here I'm going to pound his face! Wait even better idea! If he tries to get you to go out with him again, agree on the condition that you can bring a 'friend' and then I can come. He really hates me!"
"WAIT! I KNOW!" Mara slid into the room dramatically and said as if suddenly struck by overwhelming inspiration, "If he comes over we should toss Lucivar at him! OR drop kick him into his face!"
"That's not even funny!" I protested on my innocent child's behalf. It wasn't fair that he couldn't even speak to defend himself when she kept insulting him.
"Or if he bugs you again you can bring all of us, even Chance!"
Jack stumbled over and tried to wrap an arm around Icia's shoulders comfortingly. He failed to notice the look he received from her which indicated that a) he was getting entirely too close for comfort b) the fumes were about to make her sick and c) he was about to loose body parts that are vital to his potential chance for producing offspring.
"I know, we should all go to the movies and you two can hang over me and be like, 'Ooooh Jack, you're shooo shtrong and manly. Let ush go and have wildly passhionate monkey shex!"
Four pairs of female eyes swiveled to settle on the black trench coated figure with all the warmth of an arctic blizzard. "Or not!"
"Hey, where's the Dr. Pepper?" Jack was narrowly saved by the intruding voice from the kitchen. Trent was on a caffeine binge again.
"In the cooler!" I called out.
"Cool, does anyone else want one?" Trent entered the room wearing a renaissance style black and green dress, belly dancing to a mental song that the rest of us thankfully didn't know… up until he started singing it out loud. "I think I'm cute, I know I'm Sexy!"
"Oh there he goes," Icia laughed.
"He's at it again," Bambi rolled her eyes, before turning to glare at the stupid roses occupying a place on the coffee table, situated conveniently in front of the dartboard.
"Yeah I want one," Jack said obliviously, still trying to cop a feel on Icia and earning a sharp smack upside his head.
"Dej, he's going to stretch out your dress," Mara muttered when Trent danced back into the kitchen, still singing, "I've got the moves that really move 'em."
"Yeah I know, but that dress just really looks good on him. Kind of brings out the color in eyes don'tcha think?" Icia joined the other girls in time to catch the end of the conversation. The four of us looked at each other and busted out laughing.
"So like maybe we should start gaming now?" Icia said, grabbing her 6, count them I know you won't, characters from her brightly colored Lisa Frank notebook.
"Yeah, but first I have to show you this book I picked up at the used book store. It looks really good. I've only just started reading it. It's like the third book but the story seems good. If I like it I'll go ahead and hunt down the rest," Mara, was staring at the cover as she spoke about her latest find.
"Well, yeah, but what's it called?" I asked, getting exasperated with her rambling.
"Queen of the Darkness."
"Hm, hey that does sound cool, what's it about?" Icia looked up suddenly interested. Bambi was carefully aiming the bright green dart at one of the roses, but you could tell by the way that her head was cocked that she was listening. Jack was still pouting in the corner over being rejected again and Trent was still dancing, but he was silent, indicating in his own weird way that she should continue.
"Ok, well here's where I've gotten to, the point where there's this tiny spider chick who's telling off this other chick for wanting to go to war with weird chicks she wants dead for causing trouble, or something. I'm not really clear yet, but… "
"Yeah, so what's the summary on the back say?" Bambi interrupted her.
Grimmara grinned and started speaking in a cheesy announcer type voice, "Jaenelle Angelline has made her Offering to the Darkness and reigns as the Queen of Ebon Askavi. The Shadow Realm lies under her protection. No longer will corrupt Blood slaughter her people and defile her lands. But where one door has been closed, another may be opened, or broke through-
Suddenly there was a knock at the door interrupting her. "What the fuck is it this time?" I demanded, annoyed that yet another gaming night was obviously going to get screwed up.
Trent went to the door and flung it open, clearly very secure in his sexuality and willing to be seen in public in a dress. Standing there was the progenitor of our problems …Ray.
We didn't think about it. We probably should have, but how were we to know what would happen? We all lunged for the offending creature that Bambi had once claimed as her boyfriend/ pet. What happened next was totally wild and completely unexpected… as you may have guessed from my previous statements. We all hit the door where he was standing at approximately the same time. Mara was still holding her book. And for some reason as soon as we all crashed together this really bright flash erupted out of nowhere.
I felt this wrenching sensation and the world spun sickeningly. I heard the others cry out, but I couldn't find them as I spun through a sickening mix of colors. It was disturbing, like the room of a 60's reject or something. Then I hit the ground hard and I lost all my breath and this time the world was spinning for a completely different reason, i.e., lack of air. Everything went black.
Grimmara here. What? Deja said it started like that? It started like that?? I think not! …Well, she does have most of it right but she did get the most important detail wrong. That thing that she kept referring to as her 'widdle baby" was, is, or never will be any think remotely like that. Lucivar is a cat that if left to his own devices would, with out remorse, brutally overwhelm the world and crush it under his iron paw. He's like Pinky and the Brain, only with out opposable thumbs.
Lucivar has on many occasions maliciously attacked me without reason and I have been to the emergency room many times. See, Deja does not see the true evil that resides in her cat. However while she, and yes even Icia and Bambi, are fooled, Jack and Trent and I know better. But those aren't really good references. It doesn't matter. The point is that a cat with cute paws must never fool you; they will always end up scratching your eyes out. It also helps if you don't mess with their tummies when you meet them. I don't want you to be miss-informed. When I called Lucivar a Satan Possessed Demonic Feline I was being mild, that would be an understatement. No matter. I just thought that I needed to set the story straight. Other than that slight misunderstanding about the real embodiment of true evil, the story is fairly accurate.
Deja's A/N: Ok well that was interesting ne? It may not make sense now, but we're hoping to bring it all together in the next couple of chapters. And just to clear up a few questions that may have cropped up in readers' minds, like where we come up with this crap… well we do actually game and yes our 'Trent' (names are changed for no particular reason since we're all pretty shameless) does walk around in my house wearing my dress (What can I say? It makes him happy). Sorry for any confusion and the actual Dark Jeweledness will come in the next chapter or so.
Grimsister's A/N: Another thing, I was not kidding! Deja really does have a demonic feline and yes he does hate me with a passion greater than all the fires of the hell from whence he came. Well, yes, we also game and still get nothing done in our campaigns. Our 'Jack' does get drunk and hits on 'Icia', 'Bambi' does have an asshole ex, and, yes, 'Icia' really does hate him, as much as Lucivar (his name wasn't changed) hates me. Thanks for reading, and in the event that you go mad from trying to understand this crap, please remember that you were warned in the disclaimer.