tues.
James Potter to mates b4 dates: well. Fuck.
James Potter: im broken up
James Potter: literally
James Potter: and metaphorically
James Potter: and every other kind of shit-ally tbh
James Potter: hello?
James Potter: im in Crisis here
Peter Pettigrew: we know, mate.
James Potter: you do?
Peter Pettigrew: yeah. You ok?
James Potter: u ALL know?
Peter Pettigrew: well…
James Potter: she texted u?
Remus Lupin: she texted me
Peter Pettigrew: then he told us
Remus Lupin: wtf, Prongs
James Potter: u believe her?
Remus Lupin: didn't say that, mate. Just a weird situation, yeah?
James Potter: Weird = shitty, then yea. her fault tho for being so dramatic! And do u arseholes have a group chat w/out me?
Sirius Black: nah. y would we do smth like that to u prongs. go chill mine. AND i for one am being a good mate and withholding judgment. (except on evans cos shes clearly at fault here)
James Potter: damn straight she is. 100%! and im already urs, actually. where r u tho?
Sirius Black: alcohol
James Potter: Good Man
Remus Lupin: I'm getting pizza
James Potter: don't bother? never eating again
James Potter: PS no more talking to evans unless its for espionage
Peter Pettigrew: this should be fun
James Potter to Not Lovely Lily: ready for ur apology, like, whenever, babe
James Potter: no?
James Potter: sirius's sofa is super fucking cosy, btw
James Potter: PS whatever the current differences between us, pls dont stoop so low as to eat Mums biscuits
wed.
Lily Evans to StupidHair BigMouth: the biscuits were fucking delicious.
James Potter: WOW
Sirius Black to squatter potter: BABE. u know i theoretically want to be sympathetic to ur emo angst. or whatever. but y the FUCK r u watching x-files at half volume at 3:37 fucking am
James Potter: go back to sleep?
Sirius Black: fucking difficult w the light coming in under my door
Sirius Black: AND u mess up my recs w that shit
James Potter: ill tell pete u think x-files is shit
James Potter: PS dana Scully is /not shit
Sirius Black: the redhead?
Sirius Black: fuckall, prongs, if ur watching the show bc she has red hair
James Potter: im NOT. watching bc it's a Good show.
Sirius Black: is not
James Potter: it holds up!
Sirius Black: fine. im not arguing w u bc u cant take the blow of being wrong. i get it. but if u wank to sculley on my sofa, potter, ill end you.
James Potter: u wldnt
Sirius Black: imported velvet. vintage. custom ticking. turned legs. u know how i feel abt that lounge, Babe.
James Potter: /i wldnt
Sirius Black: …
James Potter: k. ill stop
Sirius Black: damn straight. uve been broken up for a day?
James Potter: 31.25 hrs. n we ARENT broken up
Sirius Potter: whatever. make up with evans or im kicking you out
James Potter: what happened to being a good mate?
Sirius Black: making up w evans is whats good for u
James Potter: u know its not that simple.
Sirius Black: if ur waiting for me to ask u WHY its not simple….dont. shldve done that when lupin was here.
James Potter: i /did. i still need to process tho.
Sirius Black: process alone, w the volume below 12 & ur prick IN your pants!
Sirius Black: and reset xfiles to s6e4
James Potter to #1 MUM 333: mum…you up?
Euphemia Potter: no
James Potter: …wow
James Potter: Good to know whose side ur on?
Euphemia Potter: I'm staying neutral.
James Potter: can you at least make me more biscuits?
Euphemia Potter: no. I gave her permission to eat them.
James Potter: p sure that's taking sides!
James Potter: are u talking to her right now?
Euphemia Potter: Her mother has passed, dear. She relies on me for situations like this.
James Potter: WOW
Euphemia Potter: weren't you just here asking for your grandmother's engagement ring last week?
James Potter: yes!
Euphemia Potter: Perhaps you should come over for breakfast tomorrow.
James Potter: no
James Potter: …ill think about it
Sirius Black to squatter potter: DID I JUST HEAR U FUCKING GROAN
thurs.
James Potter to Babe: listen…sorry abt the sofa thing
James Potter: maybe outta line a bit. I wont watch xfiles tonight tho
James Potter: i can come over tonight, right?
Sirius Black: imported vintage italian velvet lounges b4 m8s
James Potter to sailor moony: and fuck, like. she deadass looked at me and said 'im angry' what does that even mean? How can she be angry at an accident?
Remus Lupin: Prongs. uve told me this 12 times
James Potter: seven. my soul splits every time I tell it, so id know
James Potter: fuck
James Potter: LUPIN
James Potter: if u dont answer ill stop supplying ur Weetabix Habit
Remus Lupin: You wouldn't. You know why? its 3 in the morning. I didn't sleep bc two nights ago u were making us listed to the Lily Playlist. Last night Padfoot wldnt stop texting me abt u watching x-files (?) and tonight…I NEED SLEEP
James Potter: ur right. im not heartless.
James Potter: unlike evans
James Potter: i /am desperate tho
James Potter: if u answer, i wont come over and bug u in person.
Remus Lupin: Deal. So what else did she say?
James Potter: thats it!
Remus Lupin: normal voice, or scary quiet rage voice?
James Potter: wld i be texting u 3am if it was the normal one?
Remus Lupin: fair point…just surprised that's all she said, considering you killed her pet
James Potter: first mum, now u? i went to breakfast w/ her this morning and she AMUSHED ME! ddnt even make bacon! a two hr lecture and No Bacon.
James Potter: over a fish! Remus Lupin: lily's fish. which u killed.
James Potter: it was a tragic, unavoidable accident!
James Potter: ac·ci·dent 1. an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury. google does not lie.
James Potter: anyway thts what i get for doing Chores and trying to help around the flat
James Potter: i can feel ur disapproval, lupin
James Potter: she LOATHED that fish. she called it fish! how attached can u rlly be against smth u havent named. petunia pawned it off on her! she made Flushing jokes on the regular? rly… was doing her a favor
Remus Lupin: please for the love of god tell me u didn't tell her that
James Potter: which part
Remus Lupin: all of it. Any of it.
James Potter: well.
Remus Lupin: fuck
James Potter: so can i come over?
Remus Lupin: …
James Potter: can i come in?
Remus Lupin: where are you?
James Potter: ur front steps
James Potter: i need Emotional Support, lupin
Remus Lupin: fine
fri.
James Potter to grlFIEND: still cant believe you tackled me to the ground this afternoon? I should report u?
Lily Evans: I should report you? trespassing? it's how I'd treat any common burglar!
James Potter: 1. u know I'd be an Excellent burglar. don't be harsh.
James Potter: 2. its not trespassing when i pay ½ rent
Lily Evans: Technically yes, but morally? NOT ur flat
James Potter: you know how skeevy my teeth feel w/out my water flosser? which i still don't have btw?
Lily Evans: I was so mad I threw ur attachments out, so
James Potter: Wow
James Potter: my rug burns are FINE, btw
Lily Evans: I had to buy a black dress, sew a veil, host a FUNERAL, write a EULOGY, send petunia a video of the whole thing, and ur whining about rug burns and a water flosser? Lmao ok.
James Potter: lmao IM the dramatic one? OK
Lily Evans: Read 1:35:10 AM
James Potter: u actually have to, like, turn on the function for it to be a burn
Lily Evans: Read 1:36:14 AM
James Potter: …
Lily Evans: Read 1:36:25 AM
James Potter to Babe: u talking to me yet?
James Potter: it was an Accident
Sirius Black: Read 1:45:15 AM
Sirius Black: go to petes
James Potter: to pumpkin eater: PETE. My dude.
Peter Pettigrew: no.
James Potter: listen. black + lupin have fallen into dishonor
Peter Pettigrew: they haven't
James Potter: they HAVE in collusion w/ one another and on their own, betrayed and disowned me. whts Dishonor if not that?
Peter Pettigrew: sirius told me u were wanking on his velvet sofa
James Potter: SCULLEY
Peter Pettigrew: i get it, but u know how he feels about that. second only to his motorbike.
James Potter: …
Peter Pettigrew: and u, ofc.
James Potter: he and remus both think x-files is shit
Peter Pettigrew: fuckers
James Potter: so can i come over?
Peter Pettigrew: go HOME, prongs. to ur girlfriend.
James Potter: p sure she dumped me?
Peter Pettigrew: 1. she LOVES ur fucking face. she nearly snogged it off in FRONT OF ME just last week? shes just as miserable as u are.
Peter Pettigrew: 2. I live w/ my mum
Peter Pettigrew: 3. U rlly have a wanking problem.
Peter Pettigrew: 4. My mum has never seen a penis and I wont let the first one she sees be URS
James Potter: idk how to tell u this, pete, but shes a MUM, so…shes had kids…
James Potter: we can smoke
Peter Pettigrew: come in thru the back
James Potter to sailor moony: fuck
Remus Lupin: …you know my name isn't actually 'fuck' … right?
James Potter: Remus. Fuck.
Remus Lupin: isn't pete watching you?
James Potter: he passed out.
Remus Lupin: dammit. where are you now?
James Potter: in a tree. like…u want to do a thought experiment with me?
Remus Lupin: …
James Potter: sorry, shldnt have phrased that as a question. Emotional Support.
Remus Lupin: you aren't allowed to use that anymore.
James Potter: k, so like, if a person, however well-intentioned, right? like if they did something that hurt someone else. even if they didn't Mean to. like maybe it'd be decent of them to say sorry?
Remus Lupin: you think?
James Potter: yea
James Potter: i mean…im Not saying that person shld. cos shes still bang out of order w/ the toothbrush. + the biscuits. + poisoning u and my mum against me.
James Potter: *their mate and their mum against them
Remus Lupin: you were saying…about the thought experiment?
James Potter: oh, like, well that person might owe the other person an apology
James Potter: *might. maybe. like 5% maybe
Remus Lupin: i would agree, but more like 95%
James Potter: just smth to Think about. Ya know?
James Potter: OK, heres the thing. its not hypothetical. talking abt evans ofc. cos like, i laughed, right? at her. while shes…crying. But! i smiled because it is kind of fucking funny? shes overreacting + SOBBING. but, like, also cos shes so Cute and she did that elbow thing she always does when shes mad? cannot convey how cute she was! its so funny? that was, like, sure, the Wrong thing to do, because it just set her off More, and. ANYWAY, I could kind of…maybe…see how she would be upset by my laughing. or think I was laughing at her pain when really it was her anger. which doesn't Sound like a good distinction, but it is a Solid distinction. ANYWAY, like, u know I have No Poker face, right?
Remus Lupin: you do wear your heart on you sleeve
James Potter: we both know ive a LONG history of taking off my shirt
Remus Lupin: really? you, james fleamont potter, have a history of overreacting and making poor decisions and have impulse control problems? i had no. fucking. idea. completely shocked.
James Potter: imma ignore that u used my middle name + the bit abt the impulse control
Remus Lupin: apologize to her?
Remus Lupin: actually…get your thoughts together a little bit more than this, maybe? then apologize
James Potter: gotta figure how to get down from this tree first
James Potter: thx for the talk lupin
Remus Lupin: night, prongs
sat.
James Potter to Maybe Lovely Lily: can I come home yet?
Lily Evans: lmao
Lily Evans: when u get ur shite together, yeah?
James Potter: u have all of my shite at OUR flat?
Lily Evans: delivered it to remus
James Potter to lupin, fuck: u have my stuff?
Remus Lupin: this pile of shite in my living room? yes.
Remus Lupin: come collect immediately pls.
James Potter: shove it in the spare closet
Remus Lupin: spare closet is full of pete's contraband he doesn't want his mum to see.
James Potter: right. well, go through and take what you want as payment.
Remus Lupin: already did. btw why do you have a sumo suit?
James Potter: she brought over the sumo suit?
Remus Lupin: yes.
James Potter: FUCKING WOW
James Potter: btw…how did she look? what all did she say? (not that I care!) but is she despondent w/out? dark circles? facial blemishes b/c she's been too distracted to adhere to her rigorous skincare regime? did she even have the energy to contour?
Remus Lupin: she looked ok .
James Potter: whts that mean
Remus Lupin: i mean she looked fine.
James Potter: no tear tracks?
Remus Lupin: no.
James Potter: damn
Remus Lupin: she didn't look great though? honestly, prongs, i think she's just waiting for you to apologize.
James Potter: not a chance?
Remus Lupin: dammit. you were almost there last night
James Potter: ?
Remus Lupin: the thought experiment?
James Potter: i got high with pete last night
Remus Lupin: should've known.
James Potter: and I might have, except she gave back the sumo suit which is an act of war?
Remus Lupin: james…do not blow this…more out of proportion. ok?
James Potter: id never
Remus Lupin: BLOCKED
James Potter to #1 MUM: can i at least have the biscuit recipe?
Euphemia Potter: sent
James Potter to DEFO NOT LOVELY LILY: the sumo suit? really? u know how to cut deep, evans
James Potter: i thought this was going to blow over quickly but apparently no?
James Potter: PS I hope u like The Pic I posted on Instagram (dnt pretend like u arnt stalking me)
Lily Evans: u wldnt
James Potter: …already did
Lily Evans: btw I had to throw ur fave Tupperware away. contaminated w/ dead fish germs.
Lily Evans: like, I almost kept it and dint tell you, but my Conscience (a lil voice that tells u right from wrong) smote me, so….
James Potter: W O W. you kept a dead body in my fave Tupperware? the one that keeps my soup warm?
Lily Evans: Read 11:13:09 PM
James Potter to Pete McGeet: listen: Chickity China the Chinese chicken
James Potter: and u…have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
James Potter: or smth
James Potter: anyway…wanna go to KFC?
Peter Pettigrew: what in the ever loving hell, prongs
James Potter: i think im cracking up
James Potter: defo pissed.
Peter Pettigrew: its sad. And a little bit pathetic.
James Potter: pathetic enough to stay at urs again tonight? U know abt the others. And Mom wont let me on account of the principle.
Peter Pettigrew: if u bring KFC, yes
James Potter: me + the colonel are in a taxi now…
sun.
James Potter to Rude Remus: MATE
James Potter: got a burner phone
James Potter: PS imma pretend u ddnt block me
James Potter: anyway coming to go through my stuff, ok?
James Potter: Promise ill avoid ur sofa
Remus Lupin: sure thing.
James Potter to Lovely Lily: babe
James Potter: see u typing. u can pull that Read shit or whatever, but, like, I was sorting thru my stuff remus's? + I shldve done it yesterday….
James Potter: (dont tell him was here PLS bc hes pissed at me abt smth stupid)
James Potter: ANYWAY underneath the sumo suit – nice diversion btw, that super pissed me off – was a pack of brand new flosser attachments. + my flosser. u even rinsed it?
James Potter: like, Thanks
James Potter: coming home bc u obviously dnt Hate Me Eternally like u said before
Lily Evans: i never said that! v frustrated w/ u but i don't Hate u.
Lily Evans: listen. I know uve wanked (and cried? oh yes. Pete told me.) urself out of all your friends' good graces, so
Lily Evans: u can come back to the flat
Lily Evans: its, like, on a conditional basis
Lily Evans: we aren't shagging
Lily Evans: u live on the couch
James Potter: we have a guest room?
Lily Evans: couch or bust
Lily Evans: you can use the guest bath tho
Lily Evans: and the kitchen…if you cook enough for me, too
James Potter: cool
Lily Evans: cool
James Potter to M8S B4 D8S: fuck yessssssssssss
James Potter: have won!
James Potter: maybe technically it started as my fault? like 15%
James Potter: shes all but apologized!
James Potter: not formally ofc, but i know what she meant
James Potter: knew if I held out long enough, shed come around
James Potter: lupin…have been living in ur car btw….i owe u for crisps detailing
Remus Lupin: ew. Happy for u prongs. Gtfo of my car.
Peter Pettigrew: go home n wait for her to apologize
Sirius Black: wait before u apologize tho 2
James Potter: obvs (+ sorry abt ur velvet sofa Babe. ill pay to get it cleaned)
Remus Lupin: literally going to murder u all
mon.
James Potter to #1 MUM: I know ur asleep, but I made u middle of the night biscuits.
James Potter: they r UTTER shit but I did Try
James Potter: thing is…u might have been a little (tiny bit!) right about some of the things you said. Maybe.
James Potter: anyway, am Home and will probably apologize to lily…soon
James Potter: and i love u and sorry i was so pissy abt no bacon
James Potter to Lovely Lily: evans
Lily Evans: potter.
Lily Evans: how did u sleep?
James Potter: ok. u?
Lily Evans: meh
James Potter: i know id mentally said i wldnt do this for another day, on Principle, but Mum guilted me into it even tho she is still sleeping. Except she has a Point. So heres the thing ….
James Potter: and also moony said…
James Potter: i kind of, like,
James Potter: its like this, lil…
James Potter: well
Lily Evans: jfc babe don't strain yourself, yea?
James Potter: u know what im saying tho
Lily Evans: i do
Lily Evans: and same. (ish.))))
Lily Evans: it's like this, james. i….
Lily Evans: fuck
Lily Evans: we rlly have to get better this.
Lily Evans: I KNOW it was an accident. and also, like, I sort of apparently overloaded the aquarium power cord in the first place w my hair dryer? so…yeah
James Potter: fuck
Lily Evans: yeah….and I shouldn't have, like, tackled u
James Potter: it wldve been hot if not for the rug burns
James Potter: and also i was insensitive w/ the laughing thing
Lily Evans: wait! We hve to STOP
Lily Evans: can u not apologize yet. not fully to the point where I want to bone u?
James Potter: ….was kind of on a roll here tho
Lily Evans: yeah but we have to stop
James Potter: y?
Lily Evans: the longer we fight..the better the make-up sex is going to be, yea? science
James Potter: tru…but id argue good make-up sex now is better than Great, theoretical make-up sex
Lily Evans: that WLD be true, but i, like, ordered something online…
James Potter: something. or. like. Something.
Lily Evans: the Something u had bookmarked in ur private amazon wishlist hoping I'd find it
James Potter: stalker
James Potter: i love u….but i still think we should make up properly?
Lily Evans: no! it'll be here on Friday.
James Potter: i got u a new fish & everything! named him eddie.
Lily Evans: nice! but u know i hate fish. sold the aquarium to pay for the Something.
James Potter: well. Fuck.
Lily Evans: love you too