Sliver of Glass

by Lrigelbbub

For Shah [Tyka] I want to heal you so you are more that just a sliver of glass because as pretty as that shard is all on its lonesome it is still broken. [rated because i am cautious]

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Beyblade.

Thank you to ChainedFire who helped me with some things in this fiction and to both he and Jen for their encouragement.

A/N: This is a gift to a friend….

Dedication: To Shah.

I know what it is that people think of me. I know what it is that people think I feel. I can hear the whispers spoken behind cupped hands. I can hear the silence and see the enquiring glances.

I know that they see what I present to the world as truth. They never bother to look any deeper than the surface. It bothers me that they judge me but still I do nothing to change that.

I can't.

I can't change.

What I think. What I feel. What I fear. Everything I am about is so deeply hidden within me sometimes I forget how to let it out. All of my training, essentially my childhood, is so deeply ingrained into my very being I forget how to be anything else.

I know what they say about me; everybody and anybody that I come in contact with. They are so quick to judge and to mouth off about me. Do they think because I do not allow my emotions to be shown clear on my face that I simply can not feel? That is stupid and idiotic.

I think. I breathe. I eat and sleep when I feel the need. I feel.

I hurt.

Do not be fooled by appearances and do not laugh or scoff at my admission.

I can too hurt. I can feel physical pain. I can feel the sharp shooting pain that rips up your limbs from a cramp. Or the dull ache that comes with under stretched muscles, or the tingling that comes with the slip of a blade. I have sprained my ankles in my youth. I have torn muscles although thankfully I have never broken a bone.

I can feel that physical pain.

But there are other pains; there are other hurts that too plague me. I do not dream but terrors haunt my every waking moment; insecurities that I mask with cold indifference, betrayal that I cover with silence.

I have done a great many things in my relatively short life that I am none too proud of. There have been transgressions and indiscretions. There are many things that I have said in cold rage that I have later regretted ever uttering. Many things bring me shame and I obsess over them. Turn my actions and guilty thoughts over and over in my head. I examine them with an irrational logic that can not fully be defined.

I can see this weakness within myself but I can not change it. So I put up a front and if I do say so myself I am damn well good at hiding the truth of my existence from the rest of the world. For years I kept everyone at more than arms length away. I pushed them away.

I didn't want to be rejected so I never let anyone close enough to truly know me.

What I never stopped to realise was that by pushing them away I wasn't just protecting myself I was hurting them.

I had always found my metaphorical walls and all my armour as a source of pride no matter how lonely they made me feel. No one had ever broken them not since……I wasn't going to let that happen again.

I was…I wouldn't say comfortable on my own….I was more indifferent towards the situation. But then I was thrust into a position where I was constantly surrounded with youths my own age. Boys so different in behaviour to me sometimes I felt like screaming in frustration.

But I held my tongue on all but one of them. One youth got under my skin. Wormed his way into my life and bloody well made himself comfortable. He made me unbalanced and edgy. I didn't know what his angle was. I had no idea what he wanted from me.

Turns out he wants my friendship. Hah! Friends…that is a term that I am rather unfamiliar with. I need no friends. They are not essential to live. I had all I needed to exist.

I shut him out. I was not only rude to this boy but cruel in my words and taunts. But still he did not turn away from me. He offered his hand to me again and again no matter how often or how hard I had previously slapped it away.

It was like he could see right through me. It was like I was transparent. It disturbed me.

He looked at me like he could see me. All of me. I didn't like it. I didn't want it.

But I had no idea, not one inkling on how to change it. I tried to get away but that really didn't work out how I had planned. And what's more the infuriating boy took me back in his good graces. I just didn't understand and I could not comprehend why he acted the way he did. The others they gave me space. They seemed to know that I wanted solitude. But not him, he just didn't know when to give it a rest.

I watched him fight in the ring. He was uncouth and under trained and yet he won so many of his battles and despite what I said it wasn't all about luck. There was something inside this boy that just commanded that you look at him. His presence screamed at all to obey him.

And it wasn't long before I discovered that I was compelled to watch him….and the more that I watched the harder it was to look away. I can honestly say that I'm a veteran in the watching though. I have watched discretely from the first moment that he stomped into my life and made himself at ease in my discomfort. I can not believe that he didn't know what he was doing to me. I think that he was well aware of the unease that he caused in me. It was obvious, as far as I was concerned, through the breaks that he caused in my armour. He was whittling away at my mask and for the first time in my life I was honestly scared. What if he saw me and was disgusted. What if he refused me; rejected me? If I became vulnerable how did I know that he wasn't going to taunt me in my hour of darkness?

As the weeks turned to months and the months stretched into years I slowly realised the type of person Tyson was. I had seen him break and I knew that he himself wore his own mask. It was ones of bright colours, smiles and light. It made me realise that we weren't all that different.

Still I watched him though. He was fascinating creature. All sunshine but when you observe as closely and as often as I have you see those tell tale chinks. He cracks his knuckles when he is nervous and fiddles with his collar when he is bluffing. His eyes flash when he was fuming inside but holding his tongue.

At first I didn't really see what it was that I was doing but now, years later, I catch myself turning to him when he speaks. I search for him when I enter a room. It's horribly disturbing.

I don't know what is going on.

I have no clue in how to stop it.

But I could not deny, even to myself, that I was in awe of him. He was so different to any one else that I have ever met. I didn't know what to make of him. He was unique and I don't know why it was that I thought that of him but it was true.

This quality, whatever it was, that he possesses is phenomenal. He was the first person that was ever able to get to me. Get under my skin. Irritate me.

He made me look at him. It was weird.

I was looking at him even now as I sat on the lounge in the rumpus room. The television was on I could see the blur flicker from the corner of my eye, I could hear the dull murmur but I paid it no mind. My mind was elsewhere and my eyes soon followed.

"Hey Kai," he enthused.

"Hn," I half snorted in way of greeting.

He flashed me a grin and went about bustling in the kitchen, no doubt making himself something to eat. The boy's appetite was insatiable. I didn't get it, he pays so much attention to me and yet he ignores me so often.

I tuned out completely to the sounds around me but my gaze still followed his movements. Why was that? I mean why did he pester me, worm his way into my life and yet he ignored everything I did that was supposed to deter him. He seemed determined to stay in my life for life. It was unsettling.

His presence in my life was something that was constant. It was the same everyday. He was there and he accepted me; everything that I presented to him. I wondered what it would be like to give to him absolutely everything that I am.

I think that was what I was really afraid of. What would he say, what would he think when he saw me - me in a true light; without my insults, my silences to protect me. Would he be disgusted with the things that I have done? Would he be repulsed when he knew what had been done to me? I didn't want pity but I also didn't want to face the inevitable rejection that would come. My thoughts are going around in circles I know. I can't seem to think straight when I think about him.

I knew I wasn't like normal boys. I mean besides the fact that I am brilliant at Beyblade, I knew that I was considered pretty. It wasn't something that I was proud of in anyway but I knew that that appeal was there. I can see the stares and the way heads turn when I walk past. I don't mean to sound rude or arrogant, I am simply just stating the truth. I was intelligent to a degree – well I wasn't stupid, that's what I mean. I wouldn't say that I was shy just reserved I guess.

But what made me really different from most of the boys that I know, I'd say unique but I'm not really – unique like everybody else, anyway the reason I am different is that well….ok how do I say this? Right – well while I'm walking down the street I see how men's eyes zero in on the pretty girl and yet I look to the handsome man holding her hand. What is with that? I fully freaked out when I realised it at first. I've accepted it by now but it certainly was a surprise in the beginning.

After I realised that this was indeed happening I was a little confused. I knew that I watched Tyson all the time and I knew that I really wasn't at all that attracted to women and a lot of the men, they did not hold my interest for long either. I began to wonder some very strange thoughts. Thoughts that I would never have even contemplated until I saw Max and Tyson and Rei running around in women's clothing for the charity fashion show a couple of months ago. What if Tyson was a woman? Would I still watch him constantly? Would I still be attracted to him in some weird dysfunctional way?

I think that I would.

And that really freaked me out. Tyson is still Tyson. No matter what he wears on the outside. I was attracted to his looks for sure but also to the way he acted and his nature in general. I liked all that made him him.

I had tried to distance myself several times over the years. Keep myself away from him in hopes that what stirred inside of me would fade as he did from my sight. But in the chances that I did in fact get away I found that I could think of nothing else. But the other times, every time I went through the paces or withdrawing, he would come closer and closer and reach out and touch me, including me in everything that he did.

"Hey Kai, the guys and I were going to go down to the beach for the afternoon. Would you like to come?"

Speak of the devil. He is doing it again right now.

"Uh no," I murmured, mustering as much distaste as I could at the prospect of spending my afternoon with Tyson and our peers.

"Oh come on Kai. You don't have to swim or anything. Just come and spend time with us."

"Tch."

"Don't be like that Kai. It will do you a world of good. And I promise not to splash you this time."

I watched as he walked away from me. The discussion closed and it was obvious that he had won even though I never consented. He always did that. Never gave me a chance to argue but when he did he never paid it any heed anyway.

Perhaps half an hour later Tyson came back into the living room. He had come to fetch me I was sure. He had changed into his bathing suit and his board shorts and he was wearing a hideously patterned floral shirt unbuttoned. He dumped his knapsack, no doubt filled with all sorts of beach gear, on the kitchen bench along side the other guys' who had left theirs there not minutes before. I on the other hand had not moved. I was still in my shorts and collared polo shirt.

"Come on Kai. It is time to go."

I did not bother even acknowledging him but my skin felt like it was on fire and I am sure that was I flushed in the face at his mere presence. He ignored my hostility and came closer. He came to stand in front of me and grabbed both of my hands from where they lay resting on my lap. It took all my control not to sigh at his nearness. I couldn't believe that I had just thought that. 'Gah!' I exclaimed in my head. I was going insane.

"We are leaving now."

I grunted in response but allowed myself to be pulled to a standing position without a fuss. I did not make any attempt to pull away from him as he led me out of the room. He left his bag on the counter I realised as we walked down the steps. I guess he was confident that someone else would bring it down for him.

We milled around in the front courtyard until the others got there things together and came out to meet us. Then we walked the many minutes to the shore. Not once did he let go of my hand. If I had dared I would have imagined that he held my hand because he wanted to not because he was attempting to deter me from taking off. I didn't think that safe, something embarrassing may have occurred if I spent my time dreaming.

When we finally reached the sea shore we found a quiet spot under the trees. Rei and Max dumped their bags and ran screeching down to the waters edge. I watched for a moment as the battled the soft waves and pushed and shoved each other in the shallows. A soft click sounded beside me and I turned to investigate. My eyes very nearly boggled as I saw Kenny open his ever present laptop.

"Come on Kenny! You promised!"

"Okay okay…" the chief huffed but resolutely closed the infernal laptop and slowly make his way to surf.

I turned to see Tyson surveying the scene with a smile on his lips and his hands on his hips.

"Are you coming?"

"No." I forced myself not to react when he shrugged out of his grotesque shirt to reveal a fine…fine body.

"Why not?"

"I didn't bring my bathing suit."

"Oh…true…that's okay you can still come and get your feet wet."

"No. I'll just stay here. In the shade. Watch the gear."

"Oh. That's a good idea."

And with that he rushed past me in a blur as he shrieked a battle cry and pounced on Rei who happened to be the closest to the shore. And despite the wrenching feeling that tore me up from inside I couldn't help the smile that fought its way to my lips.

I watched the four of them frolic in the shallows for a little longer. Frolic. What a strange word. It was one that I would never ever say aloud but upon watching them I couldn't find another that rightly justified their movements. Play, Skip, Cavort…they just didn't seem to cut it. I could feel the sun beating down upon my face so I retreated into the shadows and sat down on the blanket already spread out there. From here I could still see Tyson every so often but watching him out there in the sunlight, laughing and playing while I was watching from the shadows did inexplicable things to me. I felt weird, like I was witnessing something that I should never have seen. So in the end I turned away and lay down. I busied myself, watching the leaves above me twirl in some sort of erotic dance as the breeze gently teased them.

I don't know how long I lay there but I was so engrossed in my watching that I never even heard Tyson come up to me from the water's edge. I never noticed, not until his shadow fell across me and I focused on his figure looming above me.

"What are you doing?"

"Just watching."

"Uh…ok."

"Tyson."

"Yes Kai?"

"You're dripping on me."

"Oh…Oh! Sorry Kai. I didn't mean to."

"Hn," I replied in response but I moved over for him to sit anyways and I passed him the towel he had been searching for.

"Thanks," he murmured.

I didn't look at him. I struggled not to. He was too close to me. If I looked he would see and then he would know. I kept my eyes closed and for a while I could almost...almost…pretend that he wasn't there but then he opened his mouth.

"Kai?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you believe in love?"

I was jerked back into complete consciousness but I refused to let him see how much that question had affected me so I kept my eyes closed.

"Hn," I grunted in response.

"Give it a rest. I'm being serious Kai."

"That is none of you business."

I sat up and moved to stand.

"Wait Kai, I just wanted to know."

"Leave it alone."

I stood up and brushed down my thighs and then turned away from him. I was going home to the dojo. I couldn't stand being near him for any longer.

"What are you so afraid of?"

I heard the call carried across the wind. I stopped mid stride and I just know that he could see the way I stiffened in response from that question but I did not turn around to face him.

"I am not afraid."

I left then.

Those four words repeated like a mantra in my head for the entire trip home.

'I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid…I'm not…' but as I reached the front gates it faded away to become more of a, 'I just can't be afraid', which just wasn't as powerful to my ears.

I all but locked myself away in my room for the rest of the day. I heard them return at about mid afternoon but I did not come out to greet them. It was around dusk when I heard a slight knock on my door but I didn't bother to answer it. The person on the other side knocked again only this time louder.

"What?"

"Kai?"

I almost cringed. It was Tyson.

"What do you want?"

"I just…can I come in?"

"It is unlocked."

The door creaked open and a blue head peered around the opening before quickly being followed by a body.

"I just wanted to apologize Kai."

"Hn."

"I mean because I know that you don't like me and all I was asking questions and being a nuisance and I should never have said you were afraid."

My heart thumped loudly, to my own ears, against my chest. He thought I didn't like him? He thought that he was a nuisance? Well the latter was true some of the time.

He must have taken my silence the wrong way because he turned to leave.

"I'm not mad."

"What?"

"I don't dislike you."

"What?"

"Yes you can be extremely annoying. But you have good qualities too."

"Oh."

"I'm not mad at you for asking questions. It is a simple question. I just didn't want to answer it."

"Ok."

He moved away again and just as his hand touched to door knob I whispered, "Yes."

I saw him pause and I held my breath. Almost unperceivable he nodded and I knew that he had gotten his answer.

For the rest of the night and the following days I did everything within my power to avoid him. Well face to face interaction was a no but I couldn't give up watching him. It was an addiction one that I just couldn't kick. But every time I turned away from him it was like he made sure that he got in my way again. I swear he was doing it on purpose. It was like he wanted me to go insane or something.

Like now.

I was just trying to read a book in the living room. Quiet? No. Peaceful? Definitely not. Because currently Tyson was dancing around the living area and the kitchen, both he and Max were doing some baking. Well more accurately Max was doing the baking and Tyson was sampling and jumping around like a mad thing to the music that was blaring from his player down the hall. I could feel the bass thumping in my chest and resonating in my head. It was driving me nuts.

Then suddenly he appeared in front of me. He was twisting his body in the most exquisite of ways, thrusting his heaps left, right and all around in time with the beat. I did everything in my power to keep my eyes on the page in front of me; the same page that I had been reading for the past twenty minutes.

He plopped down on the chair next to me and I jerked at the movement.

"Say Kai," he paused and I waited somewhat impatiently for him to continue. He seemed to be waiting for me to acknowledge him. I spared him the merest of glance but that was enough it seems because he went on. "Dance with me?"

I was speechless. I truly was. I had no words. Finally I spluttered out a, "No."

He seemed downcast. "Aw…you are no fun Kai."

"Hn," was all I gave in response.

But he got the point, he didn't ask me again. He sat their though, for a few more minutes, his leg jiggling in time with the music. He must have gotten sick of just sitting because he jumped up again and danced his way across the room and into the kitchen. I watched him leave and sighed heavily when he disappeared from my sight.

I went back to my book. Well more accurately I went back to staring blankly at the same page of my book again but not thirty minutes later after he left me alone the first time he came in again and asked me another obtuse question. Then he came to me again fifteen minutes after that and once more ten minutes later. It was as if he was deliberately thinking of strange questions just so he had a reason to talk to me but that couldn't be it. The forth time he came to me I couldn't stand it anymore. I lost my cool.

"Just leave me alone. What on Earth is it that you want from me?"

"I don't know if you can give me what I want."

At his calm response I was way beyond confused.

"You know...I was always so in awe of you Kai. You were Hiwatari Kai for goodness sake. I respected you so much even though I didn't want to. There was just something about you…"

He trailed of for a moment and I waited somewhat patiently for him to continue.

"You are an enigma Kai and when I first met you I couldn't stand you. You were all that I despised; cocky, arrogant and rude. You seemed not to care for anything or anyone but yourself and although I didn't want to I couldn't seem to look away."

I think I almost died of shock. 'He had been watching me? When had this been occurring? I watched him constantly I had never once met his eyes in my observations.'

"I watched when you ate, when you bladed, when you instructed us, when you trained us and then later when I had no reason to look directly at you anymore I had to employ sneakier tactics. I became a master at watching you from beneath lowered lashes and out of the corner of my eye and even in the reflection of surfaces. It was an obsession and I was scared because I couldn't seem to shake it."

I was quite sure that my mouth was now wide open in surprise. I didn't know what to say so I stayed silent.

"I struggled for years to find something that could describe you. I have finally found something and it suits you completely."

"Oh? What is it?" I heard my voice tremble and I cringed at the sound of weakness.

"You are like a sliver of glass…"

I opened my mouth to contradict him.

"…Please just let me finish. You are broken and you are only one shard of something that was once much bigger – something that was once whole. You have been smashed into ill repair and you suffer because people look upon you but no one ever sees inside because you are opaque from the shattering. There are chinks and cracks in your surface and you try desperately to mend them before anyone notices. But I noticed Kai.

I want to heal you and I know that this sounds supremely presumptuous but I want to make you whole once more. I know that the surface will never be seamless again but I hope to make you a part of something that is so much larger than just yourself. I want to heal you so you are more that just a sliver of glass because as pretty as that shard is all on its lonesome it is still broken."

"Don't try and fix me, I'm not broken."

"But you are. Kai, I can see it. I don't know when it happened nor do I know why and I don't want to pry into something that must have caused you a lot of heartache…"

Something must have shown on my face because he trailed off.

He swallowed hard and lifted his chin and started again, "I know that you think that I am already prying into your life; a life that you have worked so hard to keep in tact. But I see you Kai for all that you are and I still want to be near you. I want so much from you and I will give you everything that I have, everything that I can."

I looked away and I sensed him step nearer to me. I felt his touch on my shoulder. "I want your love Kai and in return I give my love to you. I do not know if this will ever be enough for you and I can understand if you do not want to accept it but I…"

I did not let him finish his sentence. I had bridged the gap and pressed a chaste kiss against his soft parted lips. When I pulled away no words were spoken but the look in his eyes spoke volumes to me.

He gave me his love and this love created a pattern that wove my soul and his together. It binds us. I am sturdy know and I can stand alone knowing that I am supported.

I am one part of a greater whole.

xox

I had so much trouble with this fic but I think that it expresses what I was aiming for in the end anyways so all is well. I apologise if the continuity sucks and perhaps the storyline is not exactly cohesive. I worked on this when I had inspiration over many months. I pray it is ok.

I do not know when or if you will get to read this Shah but I am sorry I didn't have it finished when I said it would but I got it done before your Birthday so I think that's a plus Without you I would never have ever gotten the inspiration for this fic so thanks

Happy early Birthday mate! Many happy returns okay. Take care of yourself and be safe.

Be safe

-BG