Author Note: This is actually a roleplay that myself and Ken (Doctor G. Reaper) took part. Actually it was just the two of us. I found it funny and decided to post it as a fan fiction. Everything that Vincent, Maria, Jemima, Kaufmann, Valtiel, Dennis, Alyssa, Alessa and Burroughs says was done by myself. James, Kenneth, Jasper, John, Robert, Ralph, Cheryl, Laura and Walter was done by Ken. Get kinda weird with Alessa and Alyssa.
Disclaimer: Myself and Ken do not own Silent Hill or its characters they belong to Konami. We don't own Clock Tower 3 or its characters they belong to Capcom. We don't own Project Zero 2/Fatal Frame 2 and Sae Kurosawa they belong to Techmo.
James is digging around in the sixth toilet of today and pulls out a fancy looking vial. He does a victory fist-thrust and adds it into his bag of other toilet items, including a sock, a keychain, and a Christmas card. "Yes! I told them that I could make a living off of my beloved! They said I couldn't, noooo, but look at all these artifacts!" By now, of course, his left eye is twitching. This, however, disgusts Maria who is standing nearby watching. The nasty smell of shit and piss in the air is also making Maria feel quite ill. "I had to leave that town with this loser. Should have waited for someone better. Like Leonard."
James happily prances over to Maria, holding out his findings, "Look, Mary-Maria! This glass thing reminded me of you, so I called it a Maria!". He has a smile that only an idiot like James could ever obtain. "You sure you don't want to look for stuff? It's really neat." Maria looks at the vial in disgust and shakes her head. She takes a step away from James. "Tell me, what is your I.Q?"
"Uhh...". James proceeds to reply with an incredibly long 'uhh', before giving off a shrug, "I don't know. After I took one about four years ago, the doctor person started crying." At this Maria bursts into laughter. Not because she finds James' answer funny but because she has finally lost her mind. She then wanders off in search of a bar. She really needs to get drunk.
"Maarrriiiiaaa!" James cries after her and decides to follow her to the bar. Even if James did get drunk, who could notice? He'd probably only get smarter for the moments time, anyways. Maria enters a random bar that just so happens to have all the characters Silent Hill and Clock Tower 3. "If someone would kill that freak I'll be happy."
Ralph looks over almost automatically when hearing the offer. He claps excitedly and spins around on the bar stool. He attempts getting up from the bar stool, but ends up stumbling onto the floor. Vincent prods Ralph with a broom that was handy. He continues prodding Ralph with the broom. When there is no response, he hits the broom down hard on Ralph's back.Ralph jerks a bit and bites Vincent's shin, growling like a very angry puppy. Kenneth Vase, on a stage and seeing MSN butterflies everywhere due to drunkness, bursts out into song while giggling madly.
Vincent screams from Ralphs bite. Maria orders a martini in hope it would drown out Kenneth's horrific singing. John meanwhile is giggling at Kenneth. Kenneth stumbles off stage and hops into John's lap, grinning rather stupidly. Robert takes Kenneth's place on stage, causing even more horrific singing. James pokes at Maria, "Wanna dance?" Poke. "Wanna dance?" Poke. "Wanna dance?"
"No" slaps James. "No" slaps. "No" Punches. "Piss off you freak" Maria shouts at James making him whimper. Vincent starts prodding Ralph again. James' bottom lip quivers and he runs off, "FINE! I'll just go drive into a lake or something!" Ralph finally manages to get off the floor and stares at Vincent for a bit. He dramatically raises a hand, extends a finger, and prods back. Soon, the prodding turned to flicking in the forehead.
"Finally" Maria says happily and orders another martini. Vincent and Ralph's prod/flick fight soon turns into a rather nasty slap fight. In the background Claudia is cheering on Ralph, while Alyssa is cheering on Vincent. Ralph gets frustrated with slapping and tackles Vincent. He starts shaking him by the neck, "You damn cucumber!"
"Claudia, he said something nasty about God." Vincent shouts while being throttled. Claudia being the cretin she is actually believes him and dives on Ralph's back. Ralph stops strangling Vincent and starts trying to shake the overly-religious lady off of him, "Get off! Get off of me!" he snarls at Claudia. Vincent surprisingly takes pity on the scissorman. "Claudia, Harry just peed on the holy scriptures"
Ralph stares at Vincent with a confused look, wondering who would be stupid enough, even in a lie or dream, to pee on holy scriptures. As Ralph is thinking this both Harry and Henry are really peeing on the holy scriptures. Both look pretty drunk. As if reading Ralph's mind, Vincent points in the direction of Harry and Henry.
Ralph looks over and his mouth drops open. Not that he cares about the holy scriptures, but it's still shocking all the same. James, soaking wet from a failed suicide, runs over and joins them. Vincent looks at James. "Maria make you try to kill yourself again?"
James nods, sniffling, "Yes. But I never seem to be able to die. I always reappear at one of those red glowy things." Vincent takes a small step away from James. Confused about this unable to die and red glowly things. James shrugs, "See, watch." He calls Pyramid Head over, who stabs James repeatedly in the stomach. After a few minutes, James runs back over, good as new. Vincent stares at James for a moment. "You're a moron. At least Heather didn't get killed on purpose." As Vincent finishes that sentence Heather is get herself on purpose. "I stand corrected."
Pyramid Head huffs and crosses his arms, "But Valtiel gets a fancy cutscene when Heather dies. Why don't I get to do that?" he asks to himself. "Because I kick ass." Valtiel says while turning some valves above Pyramid Head. Val then fall out of his vent and lands on top of Robert who was still singing
Robert's singing comes to an abrupt halt as Valtiel lands on him. Robert blinks a few times and smiles wanna-be sexy like, "Well, hello there."
"Sorry Bubba, I'm with her." Val saying pointing towards the dead Heather. "Opps, better be off to resurrect her." With that Val scurries away. Pyramid Head watches with an aura of jealousy and lifts a pitcher of beer into his helmet. When he pulls it back out, it's empty. He pats his dog on the head and rocks back and forth. James waves at Heather, "Bye bye!"
"Damn, he's still alive. How does he keep coming back? Too dumb to die most likely." A half drunk Maria mumbles. In the background Harry and Henry are getting their asses kicked by Claudia. Chopper watches the two get beaten and guffaws that annoying guffaw of his while pointing.For no reason whatsoever Walter attacks Chopper. Even Walter does not know why he is attacking him. Everyone watches
Chopper screams a high-pitch girlish scream and curls up. Ralph decides to make peace with Vincent and offers him popcorn. Vincent happily accepts the popcorn and accepts Ralph's offer of peace. "Want to see something funny?" Ralph smiles widely, liking things that are funny. He nods eagerly, "Sure!"
Vincent rubs his hands together. "Claudia, Heather is giving birth to God!" At this Claudia stops beating Harry and Henry and rushes to witness the birth of God. She returns a few minutes later. "You'll burn in HELL, Vincent." Ralph giggles insanely at Claudia and looks at Vincent, "Seems like my Lord Burroughs. Only, he would do that if you told him there was a girl about to turn fifteen standing outside."
Vincent laughs at Claudia. She goes in search of Dahlia. Lord Burroughs enters the bar. Ralph glances around nervously, hoping Lord Burroughs didn't hear his little remark. He laughs anxiously and waves, "Hullo Darcy!" People stare at the person just addressed as Darcy, wondering how such an intimidating person could be called that.
Burroughs glares at his subordinate and pulls out his sword. Just as he is about to hit Ralph with it Maria comes and saves the day. I should add, a drunk Maria. "Hey there sexy. Are you more of a man than Jamesy?" She asks Burroughs. Ralph has run behind Vincent and peers over his shoulder with wide eyes. James gets an upset look at Maria, "Whaaaaa? Maria? You're-you're ditching me? For him?"
Ignoring James, Maria and Burroughs leave. James stares in shock. Ralph breaths a sigh of relief. Vincent could not really care what the problem actually was. James shakes a fist, "Well, I don't need you!" Obviously, this is a big lie, since James sits down in the middle of the floor and begins to bawl. Laura enters the bar. Why? It is unknown. She is only eight. She kicks James in head and walks back out. As she leaves a new evil enters the bar. DENNIS!
Everyone turns to stare this evil in the face. Even Pyramid Head is a bit uneasy. Ralph slowly narrows his eyes. "What?" Dennis asks rather confused by everyones uneasiness. He then sees Ralph. "Alyssa that gay Scissorman is back." He screams and runs in a circle in an attempt to find Alyssa. Ralph gets a beyond offended look, "I am not gay!" He looks himself over to reassure himself, which doesn't help a lot. Alyssa stares at Dennis and sighs.
"They say I'm gay because I'm a priest. I'm not, I'm after the churches funds is all." Vincent tries reassure his new friend. Dennis dives towards Alyssa and hugs her happily. Ralph nods understandingly, calming down a bunch, "Well, that sounds fun." Alyssa hugs Dennis back, completely changing her attitude from before and actually seeming like she wants him there, "Oh, Dennis!"
"That girl is very strange." Vincent observes. Dennis continues to hug Alyssa afraid that she will disappear and he'll be left with Ralph. Ralph snorts at Dennis. "She really is." Ralph agrees, watching the reunion, "She falls down at the slightest things. Or just randomly falls. Very unbalanced."Alyssa, indeed, falls still holding onto Dennis. Ralph, eager to complain about Dennis, moves on to the subject, "But isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever seen? Nearly killed him with my twin. It would have been so wonderful."
"Pity you didn't. He hasn't said anything to me and I find him annoying." Vincent pauses "You have a twin?" Vincent asks. Alyssa holds onto Dennis' hand and starts dragging him about the bar. Ralph nods, "Yeah. We've had to keep quiet about it, since some bitch in a bloody kimono keeps following us around and talking about some twin ritual thing."
"Now why does that description sound so familier?" Vincent mumbles to himself.
Robert, who had overheard the conversation, looks over, "Y'know, I have a twin, too! His name's Trebor." Sae enters the bar and kidnaps Robert. "A twin is a twin. Screw the gender." She says as she is leaving. Vincent stares at the ghost. "Oh yeah, thats why." Ralph shrugs, "At least she won't bug Jemima and me anymore. Thank goodness." Walter watches Sae, trying to remember if she was a sacrament or not.
"She isn't a sacraments, but I am." Henry tells Walter like the idiot that he is. Walter nods and sizes up Henry. Trying to decide how he shall kill this moron. Ralph walks over to Walter, "You can use some of my torture devices, if you want." he offers, eager to see bloodshed.
Walter's eyes brighten. "Ohhh can I use the best torture device you've got?" Walter asks. Henry hearing this sneaks away quietly and joins Heather, James and Harry in a game of Beat-The-Monster. Ralph nods in reply and starts naming off uncomfortable sounding devices to see which one Walter prefers. Fido watches the monster being beaten sympathetically and laps up some of Pyramid Head's liquor.
Walter chooses one of the many devices which Ralph names. He and Ralph leave the bar to go and prepare it. Jemima enters a few seconds later and orders a double shot of Vodka. Pyramid Head being the horny bastard he is, scoots over to Jemima, "Heeyyy..." Jemima instantly scoots away from him. She likes the blood look, just not the rusted look with it.
Pyramid Head rubs the back of his helmet, feeling rejected. James gives him a pat on the back in reassurance. Pyramid Head slices James in half with his great knife and continues to feel rejected. However Jemima loves this and scoots over to him. Pyramid Head looks over at her and grins beneath his helmet. James runs in breifly after appearing at a red glowy thing and points, "You're so hurtful!" He then darts off to go drown himself again.
"So, where did you get that huge knife from?" Jemima asks happily hugging Pyramid Head. Pyramid Head looks proudly at his knife, "Well, my grandpa gave it to me after he retired from being a stalker." he replies, beaming.
Jemima continues to hug Pyramid Head happily. Leonard enters the bar. The first thing to come from his mouth is. "Quack!"
Eddie looks over at Leonard, licking his lips, "Mmmm... Duuucckkk.." Eddie begins waddling towards Leonard with outstretched arms and a hungry look. With a sigh Leonard swats Eddie away with a quick swing of his wing...erm arm. Eddie lands in Dahlia's lap.
Eddie looks up at Dahlia, wondering if she's edible. He then gets a lovey-dovey look. Dahlia starts making out with Eddie. If thats not disturbing, Eddie is enjoying it. Everyone looks over and then vomits. Pyramid Head starts trying to seperate the two with a garden hose while everyone is trying to keep what sanity they have left. However the garden hose seems to make the two even more horny. Everyone leaves the bar in horror, except Stanley who does not seem to notice.
Pyramid Head sighs in annoyance, "Great. Now we have to find a new place to hang out." He then goes on ranting to himself on how he loved that bar and how many memories it carries. A few seconds later the gang find a bar right next door to the one they were just in. Kenneth blinks a few times, "Well, that's convenient." Everyone gives a nod of agreement and wander into the new bar.
Inside they find Burroughs and Maria. Walter and Ralph are preparing a torture device. Henry eyes the device and retreats to the bathroom. Lisa is also in the bar, making inappropraite videos.
Kaufmann enters the bar and sits at a table. He then pulls out drugs and begins selling them to the people in the bar. Lisa is first in the queue. Laura sneaks in and attempts buying some drugs with a paperclip. "Quit screwing around. It worth a hell of a lot more than a paperclip." Kaufmann says. He then, being the nice guy that he is, gives Laura a small sample for free. Laura smiles and happily takes the sample, giving Kaufmann a hug, "Can I call you Dad? James tried to adopt me, but I told him to fuck off."
"If you kick Harry in the balls you can call me whatever you like." Kaufmann replies as he selling some more drugs to Lisa. Laura runs over to Harry and jump kicks him in the balls. Harry falls to the ground and curls up into a ball while holding his groin. Laura walks back over to Kaufmann who in turn gives her another free sample.
All the guys that witnessed the attack on Harry wince. Laura, after accepting the drugs, turns towards Harry, "Ha ha."
"Cheryl, help Daddy and kill that little blonde brat." Harry painfully asks Cheryl who is standing over him. Cheryl throws herself at Laura and cries out, "For you, Daddy!" Laura and Cheryl begin pulling at each others hair and biting. Rolling her eyes, Alessa shoots a lightening bolt at both Cheryl and Laura. She then shoots one at Dennis for flirting with her.
Ralph laughs at Dennis' pain. Alyssa hisses and shakes holy water at Alessa. Alessa looks at Alyssa like she is nuts. She then shoots a lightening bolt at Alyssa for getting her wet. Alyssa falls to the ground, twitching madly. John smiles at this, since Alyssa is feeling the pain of being shocked and sent into a twitchy fit as he did.
Just for fun Alessa shoots two more lightening bolts at Alyssa and Dennis. She then goes to barman and tries to order a beer. The barman, scared of being zapped, cautiously holds out a beer. Alessa drinks the beer and zaps the barman anyway. She is a very bored Mother of God.
Everyone begins keeping a distance from Alessa, except James. James starts poking at Alessa, "Wanna dance?" Alessa zaps James and demands another beer. Vincent stares at Alessa, Heather and Cheryl, trying to figure out how all three are at the bar at the same time. Claudia is overjoyed by Alessa's presence. She runs over to her, "My dear Alessa! What are you doing in a bar?" she asks, realizing the setting.
Alessa looks at Claudia and then zaps her aswell. Vincent has decided to keep his distance from her. Walter and Ralph have finished preparing the torture device. Walter is now searching for Henry. Ralph starts helping Walter, but decides to torture Dennis with another device instead. Henry is curled up in the bathroom, rocking on the floor.
Being the pillock that he is, James tells Walter exactly where Henry is. Walter pats James on the head and enters the bathroom. Henry's eyes grow big and he crawls backwards away from Walter. Just as Walter is about to grab Henry, Cynthia enters the bar. Since Henry is no.21 and Cynthia is no.16, Walter leaves Henry be and goes after Cynthia.
Jasper also enters, looking around timidly, "D-D-Do t-they s-s-s-s-serve c-chocolate milk with v-vodka here?" A crispy barman eyes Jasper for a second then nods his head. Jasper goes to the bar and gets his chocolate milk with vodka. Jasper puts it to his mouth, and seems to drink it for what seems like forever.
Everyone stares at Jasper. All waiting for him to finish the chocolate milk and vodka. Kaufmann has pulled out a stopwatch to find out exactly how long it takes for him to drink. John scratches the back of his head, "Was there even that much in there?" Jasper is still drinking. Everyone continues to stare in amazment. Robert returns and he also stares in amazment.
Kaufmann glances at the stopwatch and seven minutes have passed. He looks back at Jasper with a raised eyebrow. "This is impossible. How the hell can he do that? Quit screwing around!" Kaufmann shouts in horror at Jasper. Jasper continues to drink as the stopwatch hits 12 minutes. Kenneth mutters to himself on how Jasper's infinate drinking is not scientifically possible and notes to do testing on him later. "He's my test subject." Kaufmann shouts at Kenneth. The stopwatch has hit 15 minutes.
"Damn." Kenneth curses, snapping his fingers. Kaufmann stares in horror at the stopwatch. It has just hit 23 minutes. Finally Jasper stops as the stopwatch rolls onto 23.53 minutes. "That awesome!" Jasper says happily. Kenneth runs over eagerly, snatches the glass, closes one eye, and peers into the glass with the other.
Kaufmann walks over and snatches the glass out of Kenneths hand. "As was stated before. MY TEST SUBJECT." Kaufmann looks at Jasper. "Exactly how did it take you 23 minutes and 53 seconds to drink a glass of Chocolate milk and vodka? That should be impossible!" Once again Kaufmann is horrified by Jasper drinking habit. Kenneth gets a frustrated look since he wants to figure out the secret. Jasper stares at Kaufmann and glances around, "T-That's my secret."
Kaufmann throws down Jaspers glass in anger and proceeds to strangle him. "Tell me how you stuttering freak of nature!" Kaufmann shouts with pure rage in his eyes. Jasper gags and pretends to faint dramatically in hopes of Kaufmann stopping to try and get his secret. Kaufmann is no fool and continues to strangle him. "TELL ME!" Everyone stares at Kaufmann in shock. Jasper sighs and smiles dazed, "It's magic."
"Tell me or I swear I'll kill you." Kaufmann says in anger. Jasper waggles a finger at Kaufmann, "Then you'll never know, will you?" Kaufmann lets out a frustrated groan. "If you don't tell me I'll surgically remove your balls." Jasper squeals in terror, "Okay okay! You see.." he glances around and whispers," I just keep spitting it back into the glass, so I can drink it over and over."
Kaufmann returns to his usual calm, drug dealing self. He smiles at Jasper. "Thank you. You're still my test subject though." Kenneth had opened his mouth to say something, but sighs and closes it. Jasper smiles and hugs Kaufmann, "O-O-Okay." Kaufmann puts a leash on Jasper and pulls him to the table where he was selling the drugs earlier. Laura joins them and pats Jasper like he is a dog. Jasper wags his... butt, pants, and licks Laura's face.
Everyone stares at them confused. That is until Dennis opens his mouth. "Well aren't they slightly odd." Ralph snaps at him "Shut the bloody hell up!" He still hasn't gotten over the bad impression Dennis did of him a while back. "You're a very annoying boy." Vincents tells Dennis. He then slaps Dennis across the head with a rolled up newspaper. Ralph smiles at Vincent, glad someone else took action on Dennis' annoyingness. James, on the other hand, smiles at Dennis, "Can I have your shoes?"
Dennis looks at James. "Y-you want my shoes?" Dennis says as Vincent hits him with the rolled up newspaper again. James nods, "Yeah. I've been looking at your shoes for some time. I even gave them names! That one's Mary, and that one's Maria." James explains, pointing to Dennis' shoes.
Dennis takes a small step towards Vincent and Ralph. He feels safer with them than he does with James. He turns to Ralph and Vincent. "Is he always this weird?" Vincent hits him with the rolled up paper and nods. Dennis glances at James. Ralph offers Vincent a beer bottle "Here, this will hurt more." James is rocking on heels, smiling, and staring at Dennis' shoes.
Vincent happily takes the beer bottle and thanks Ralph. Dennis is now getting paranoid about his shoes and James. He turns to Ralph and Vincent again. "Can you make him stop?" Dennis pleads. Vincents hits him with the beer bottle. "No"
"You deserve it, you freak." Ralph says and flicks Dennis in the forehead. James has got down on one knee and is now proposing to Dennis' shoes. Dennis curls up into a small ball in hope no-one will attack him or steal his shoes. Sadly luck is on his side and Alyssa fires one of her arrows at James and another at Vincent. Ralph's eyes widen as his new friend is shot with an arrow. He couldn't care less about James, but Vincent is actually pretty awesome. Ralph turns to Alyssa and points a blade at her, "I'll make mincemeat out o' you!"
Vincent looks at the magical binding chain attached to his butt. He looks towards Ralph. "Before you make her into mincemeat, could you tell me how to get this thing off my ass?" Ralph looks over, "Oh, it'll wear off after a bit. Sucky, isn't it. This one time I got binded by my-" He gets cut off by James groaning in pain. Vincent sits on the floor and patiently waits for the binding chain to wear off. He watches as James groans in pain.
Ralph goes back to being mad at Alyssa. He starts slashing at her with his blades. James quiets down and watches. Alyssa prepares to fire another arrow but stops. She looks at the bow and then throws it to the ground. She runs over to where a sleeping Harry is and steals his shotgun. "Eat lead Scissorboy." Ralph is shocked by this action and takes a step back, bewildered.
Alyssa opens fire with the shotgun. Sadly she is a crap aim. Instead of hitting Ralph she completely misses. Instead the shell lands in Walter's butt. Walter was about to kill Cynthia when this happens. Cynthia got lucky. Everyone winces and gives off a unison 'ooh'. Cynthia takes this chance to run away from Walter so she can be a hooker for a few more weeks.
Alyssa throws the shotgun behind the bar before Walter notices it was her that shot him. She picks up her bow and quietly sneaks away. Walter's face is turning red with anger and embarrassment. He whips around and eyes everyone while rubbing his bum.
Kaufmann walks over to Walter with caution, dragging Jasper behind him. "I'm a doctor. I can heal that."Walter looks at Kaufmann and pulls down his pants to reveal a nasty looking butt wound. Jasper whimpers and looks away. Kaufmann wrinkles his nose. He pulls a pair of tweezers from his pocket and pulls out the shell with them. "Quit screwing around and pull up your pants."
Cybil enters the bar, holding a shotgun. Alyssa has just discovered her scapegoat. Alyssa points towards Cybil. "She's the one who shot you." Alyssa shouts to Walter. Walter turns and sees Cybil. Cybil looks around confused. She then screams and runs out of the bar as Walter chases after her with his spoon.