Harry Potter and the Shameless Sequel
Harry Potter was lounging by his wizard's swimming pool, taking in the bright mid-day sun. It was a rare day off from his hectic work schedule and he was more than ready to use it to simply relax and be near his love, Ginny.
"Harry," she said sweetly, "Isn't this just a gorgeous day?"
He looked at her, in her bikini, and grinned mischievously. "I see more than just the day that's gorgeous at the moment."
She giggled. "Oh, you! You never change!"
Just then, there was an odd rumbling from below the Earth's surface. Cracks started to appear in the concrete surrounding the pool and the water started to glow a sickly, sinister shade of green. "Harry, what's going on!" said Ginny. "Is this your idea of a joke!"
But Harry could barely hear her. His old scar, nearly forgotten in these peaceful times, was starting to throb, more harshly than ever before. Just as he was about to answer Ginny, the surface of the water in the pool exploded and from the murky depths came the visage of...
"Voldemort!" Harry bellowed, reaching instinctively for his wand.
"Yes, it is I, pitiful worm," Voldemort hissed. He looked just as if he had never died, then, just as sinister and evil as the last time Harry held eyes on him.
"How can this be! Are you some sort of specter? Illusion?"
"No, Harry," he cackled, "who you killed was merely my subordinate, charmed to look like me. I have been alive and well and amassing an army behind-the-scenes to take over the wizarding world and destroy the muggles once and for all!"
"Not if I defeat you first!" said Harry, standing up despite the searing pain coursing through his mind.
"Ah, but will you be able to get to me in time? So long!" With those words, Voldemort disappeared.
Ginny stared, mortified, at where Voldemort had been, then turned to Harry. "Is that really him? Can he truly be back?"
Harry massaged his aching head. "Yes. It undoubtedly was him. The old scar... it's hurting again."
"Will you be able to defeat him, Harry? I'll follow you, no matter what happens!"
"I think so... but I think... it might take another 7 years."
THIS IS A SNEAK PREVIEW OF THE NEXT HARRY POTTER BOOK, HARRY POTTER AND THE WAND OF CARNAE. HELP MAKE J.K. ROWLING EVEN RICHER! PREORDER YOUR COPY TODAY!
Harry Potter and the IN SPAAAAAAACE
Harry Potter was flying through space in his wizard's spaceship, monitoring all of the known cosmos. He had been given a grant by the Wizard's Space Committee for spreading magic throughout the galaxy, and was right now coming up on a small, red planet.
"Hermione," Harry said as he adjusted his wizard's space cloak, "what do the wizard's space readings say about that planet?"
"Well, Harry, it seems to be inhabited, and with intelligent life at that. I believe we should make a landing shortly."
"Excellent," Harry said. "Ready the wizard's teleporter. We'll go down to have a look. Ron! Neville! You're coming with me."
Harry and company armed themselves with their wizard's space wands and were teleported to the planet's surface. The soil was a harsh, dusky red, and the sky a deep orange. There seemed to be no settlements, or any other landmarks, for miles in any direction.
"Maybe Hermione's space readings were incorrect," Ron said. "I sure don't see any life."
"Quiet!" said Harry. "I think I hear something."
There was a odd tunneling sound from beneath the earth and up popped bizarre green creatures the likes of which Harry had never seen before. They had green skin mottled with blue dots, and three legs they stood on, roughly in a tripod shape. Their torso was simply a long, prehensile cylinder, atop which perched an eyeball. Slightly below this eyeball is a hole, presumably a mouth.
"""(#?" one of the creatures said.
"Hello there!" said Harry Potter. "I am Harry Potter of the planet Earth! These are my companions, Ron Weasley, and Neville Longbottom."
The creatures seemed to take much interest in this, jabbering to themselves in their bizarre tongue. They then all pulled, from behind them, magic wands, which they seemed to hold with their necks.
"What? What's all this then?" Ron said. "How do you all..."
Just then, there was a cackling from behind the three. "Voldemort!" Harry said.
"That's right, Harry," said Voldemort. "My spirit drifted out amongst the cosmos and found a home here. I've been teaching these creatures my dark magic, so that one day, they can invade, and take over Earth!"
"We'll see about that!" Harry said. "Hermione, beam us up!"
Hermione did so, and they were all back in their ship. "Did you hear that with your wizard's space telecommunicator?" said Harry.
"Yes!" said Hermione, "and I know what I must do!"
Hermione aimed the spaceship's wizard's death raygun at the planet and blew it to a million pieces, destroying all life that was on it, along with Voldemort's spirit.
"It's a shame we had to do that," said Harry. "But it had to be done. Hermione, chart a new space course! We have more planets to discover!"
THE END
Harry Potter and the Rambling Stream of Consciousness Narrative
Harry Potter was sitting in his bed thinking about all of the things he was going to do the following day there at Hogwarts, that magical school where anything was possible and dreams often came true such as Harry's dream to get out of his horrible childhood with his aunt and uncle which made harry wonder if he had ever had any other aunts and uncles and if he might ever see them perhaps in some sort of wizard's afterlife but then he wasn't sure if a wizard's afterlife even existed or even a wizard's god or wizard's devil all he really knew is that magic actually did exist and that he possessed magic of the highest caliber though maybe not actually the highest because Hermione was pretty talented herself and she was also cute but Harry never found himself much attracted to her for some reason it was probably her attitude which was awful similar to Percy's god he hated that git and wished he could kick his teeth in and he knew that Ron probably wouldn't mind since Ron didn't like him either and didn't mind many things really when you got right down to it but Harry still worried about what Ron would think if he knew that he loved his very own sister Ginny or at least he had thoughts about her which he knew Ron would kill him for just like Voldemort was out to kill him which reminded Harry that he still needed to find out how to best defeat Voldemort especially after that whole incident with Sirius going behind the veil and all the other awful things that were taking place almost as awful but not quite as that time when he was six and Dudley had forced Harry to eat some potting soil with earthworms in it which reminded him of that other time when this girl in one of his classes screwed up a spell and ended up with earthworms coming out of her nose everyone had had a good laugh at it especially Fred and George but perhaps now wasn't the time for laughter now was the time for fighting and ridding the world of a great evil but he was just one teenager in a messed-up crazy world so he wasn't sure if he could actually do it but he did have his friends which he supposed made up for that fact even if some of them were kind of nutty like Luna but it was no matter he would worry about this stuff tomorrow after he was done with sleeping for the night so he decided to go to sleep and did.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Endless Screaming
Harry Potter was screaming. He had been screaming, in fact, for the past five days straight, and it was becoming something of a nuisance for his companions. "Harry, we know you got cursed when you called that Slytherin a bad name," Hermione said crossly, "which, I should add, made us lose 10 points from Gryffindor, but could you please move elsewhere? I'm trying to study."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" was all Harry could say in response.
"Oh, right. Well, please get a move, then."
Harry walked sadly away from where Hermione was sitting, screaming all the while. He wished he could find a way to cure this curse on his own, but it was nearing finals and everyone was too busy. The screaming certainly wasn't helping him in any of his classes either. He saw Ron flirting with another Gryffindor girl and walked over to him, causing the girl to run in terror. "Oh great, Harry, just great," said Ron. "I was about to get her wizard's phone number, and you show up. Christ, Harry, what am I going to do with you?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, 'aauuuggghh.' Look, I'm sorry, but this is for your own good here."
Ron reached around Harry's head and pushed Harry's wizard's mute button, causing only silence to emanate from Harry's form. "That's much better," said Ron, as he walked off.
Harry sat there, his mouth still open, but no screams coming out. Harry then shrugged, and walked away.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Painful Discovery
Harry opened the door to the bedroom. "Honey, I'm ho-"
But before he could finish, he was appalled at what he saw before him. Ginny... in bed with Neville!
Ginny shrieked and tried to cover herself. "Oh my god! Harry! It's not as it seems!"
"Neville! What's the meaning of this!" Harry bellowed.
"Well... er... I at least remembered to use wizard's condoms!" Neville sputtered.
Harry stormed out of the bedroom in disgust. Ginny... how could she have gone behind his back like this...?
Harry walked out sadly when he heard a commotion in the living room. He looked in and he saw Hemione... on the couch with Viktor!
"Hermione, how could you betray Ron like this!" Harry yelled.
Hermione gasped. "Harry! I didn't think you'd be here. I was told it'd be safe t-"
"Well you were told wrong!" Harry said.
"Hermy-own, vy is Harry mad?" Viktor asked.
"Oh hell with this, I'm going out!" Harry replied angrily.
Harry stewed silently as he walked out to the wizard's flying car. This was unbelievable! What the hell else could go wrong today?
Just then, Harry noticed that the windows of his car and noticed that the windows were steamed up. He looked inside and he saw Ron... with Draco!
Harry was now enraged. How could Draco go behind his back like this!
Harry didn't even bother to confront them. He just walked down the street, sadly.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Stained Shirt
Harry Potter looked at his shirt with a grimace. He had accidentally spilled part of a potion he was working on onto the shirt and it was causing the spot on the fabric to rapidly blink pink and green, and he knew that this sort of mark was hard to remove from fabric. "Well, I'll just try to remove this myself," Harry thought, as he aimed the wand down. Unfortunately, all Harry succeeded in doing was setting the shirt on fire, causing him to run around the room screaming before he managed to get the shirt off and beat it out with a nearby broom.
He looked at the charred remains of the shirt on the ground and thought to himself "I bet I can repair that." So he waved his wand and pointed it at the shirt and accidentally turned it into a horrible monster with dozens of sharp teeth and a thirst for blood. And so Harry was forced to dispatch the beast with his wizard's revolver he kept in his pocket for such events.
He looked at the dead animal and thought "I'd better get rid of this." So Harry tried to make the corpse disappear and instead managed to create a black hole in the center of the room which caused Earth and the galaxy surrounding it to collapse and vanish in a puff of dark matter.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Unforgivable Sin
Harry Potter was pacing about, his brow knitted in frustration. He had some thoughts circulating in his mind, had had them there for quite a while, and he just couldn't shake them. It was driving him mad, making him mad, and in general had put him in a foul mood.
"What's wrong, Harry?" Neville said meekly, realizing that Harry was in an awfully bad mood.
"I'll tell you what's wrong," Harry said. "It's my life! Nothing ever turns out right! It's all a big joke! And you know, I'm starting to think this is all because J.K. hates me."
Neville gasped. "Harry! No! Don't say such things!"
"Oh, she must hate me to put me through such crap. She knows that if she puts me through horrible circumstances, she can sell more books about me! And it's stupid!"
"You don't realize what you're doing! Stop!"
"I don't even care anymore!" Harry screamed. "In fact, I wish I was never born!"
With that, J.K. realized her creation was out of control, and erased him from her books forever. She replaced him with a magical talking goat who was the chosen one to defeat Voldemort and sold a million copies.
THE END
Harry Potter and the whatever who cares
harry potter was sitting around. then he did some magic. or something. then i guess some wizards showed up and some other wizards and they did wizard things but one of them was evil. and harry defeated him. man, who even cares about this point. this is stupid. wizards are so dumb. to hell with this whole thing.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Adorable Cousin from Out of Town
Harry was hanging out in the lunchroom at Hogwarts with his friends, chatting about the day's classes as usual. "Man, Snape is being an even bigger jerk than usual these days," Harry said glumly into his wizard's ham sandwich. "If only I could get him to knock it off."
"I agree, Harry! I bet you could do it if you try!"
Harry turned around sharply. He hadn't recognized that nasally voice. "Who said that?" He was then greeted with the sight of a short, blond kid with an ugly haircut and piggish nose. "Wait, who are you?"
"Harry, don't you recognize your cousin Oliver?" Ron said. "He's been here for weeks already!"
"Yeah, and he's adorable too," said Hermione.
Harry looked around, confusedly. Was someone playing a joke on him? This seemed rather bizarre.
"Yeah, Harry, I've been around," he said. "In fact, just yesterday, I helped you when you accidentally fell into the toilet."
The sounds of a cheap laugh track filled the air. Harry's blood froze in his veins. He realized that he wa stuck in some sort of cheap sitcom now, and that this Oliver kid was to blame somehow. "Uhhh, yeah. Hey, I want to talk to you alone for a second out front, Oliver. Is that okay?"
"Okay!" said Oliver. "Just be sure to not have any slip-ups again!"
More cheesy laughing.
Outside, by the moat, Harry stood in wait for Oliver, who arrived shortly. "OK, you're one of Voldemort's minions, aren't you?"
"What would make you think that, best cousin in the whole world?"
"Well, things have been seeming kind of cheesy and awful since you arrived, and I'm not liking it one bit."
"Well maybe the writers think I'm an improvement! What do you think about that, huh?" Oliver suddenly said, defiantly.
Harry grimaced. "The writers? Oh, I believe you're about to be written out of this story as of right now."
After avada kedavraing Oliver and chucking his body into the moat, Harry returned to the table. "Why'd you go out like that, Harry?" Ron said. "You just kind of got up and left. I can't explain it."
"Oh, just taking out some trash is all," Harry replied.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Talking Pizza
Harry Potter was about to take a nice, steaming bite of pepperoni pizza when he heard a voice. "Hey! Don't eat me!"
Harry sat there, confused. "Did you just talk?"
"Yes! I'm a wizard's pizza, and all wizard's pizzas talk. So don't eat me!"
"Why shouldn't I?" Harry responded.
"If you don't eat me, I'll give you three wishes!"
"Sorry, I've heard this joke too many times, so down the hatch you go!"
"No, no, wait! If you eat me, terrible things will happen."
"Pfft, like what?"
"THE END OF THE UNIVERSE."
"Yeah whatever," and Harry ate the pizza before it could say anything further. The most terrible thing that happened to Harry was merely a mild case of indigestion.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Impossible Crossover
Harry Potter had been told to not explore the woods near Hogwarts, as they were full of deadly and strange creatures, but Harry wouldn't listen. He was still new to the wizarding world, was still trying to get used to the fact that he WAS a wizard, and wanted to explore everything in the world of magic for himself. So, one night, he slipped out of Hogwarts silently, armed with only a lumos spell, and set off into the woods.
Harry felt as if he walked for a long, long time and, oddly, he didn't encounter any sort of evil or magical creatures at all. In fact, it seemed like all he could find were trees and more trees. Finally, up in the distance, Harry saw a fire with some cloaked figures by it. "Well, maybe these people know where I can find adventure!" Harry said, and he walked over to greet them. "Hi, I'm Ha-"
As soon as he saw the faces of those around the fire, he froze. They looked like Ron, Hermione, and... himself! But far older, far more care-worn and harried. The older version of himself gasped and turned, pointing his wand at him. "Who are you?"
"I... I'm you?" Harry said, confusedly.
"What's this?" Ron said. "That kid looks like you 6 years ago."
"Wow! This is fascinating," Hermione said. "I've never read about something similar to this before."
"How can you be sure?" the older version of himself said. "Might this not be another one of Voldemort's tricks?"
"Harry, you've really become too paranoid lately," Hermione said. "I don't understand this either, but it seems harmless."
"Well, I don't know, things have been pretty awful lately, what with Dumbledore dead and-"
Young Harry gasped. "Dumbledore dies? No! This can't be!"
"Oh, damn it, there I've gone and traumatized him," Ron said glumly.
"Well, no matter what you guys say, I say we kill him," older Harry said.
"Harry, don't!" Hermione said. "You have no idea. This could create a time paradox!"
"I don't even care anymore. Avada kedavra!"
And thus older Harry killed younger Harry, causing time and the universe to collapse in on themselves.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Broken Vase
Harry stood, annoyed at the shattered vase on the floor. This was the third time this week this had happened, and he was becoming rightly irritated at having to repair it every time. "Albus!" Harry yelled. "Did you do this?"
"Nuh-uh, daddy!" James replied. "It was Albus."
Harry knew, of course, that James was lying. Albus was still only a baby. "James," Harry said. "Do you know what happens to little boys that lie?"
"No."
"Well, they get greeted in the night by horrible zombies, out for the blood of little boys who lie to their parents."
"No!"
"Yes! And they look something... like THIS!"
At this, Harry ripped off his face and screamed, frightening James so badly that he fainted dead away. As Harry put his face back on, Ginny came in and looked at Harry sternly. "Harry! I thought I'd told you not to psychologically traumatize poor James!"
"Oh, he'll get over it," Harry said. "At least now he won't break another vase again."
And James didn't.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Egregious Product Placement
Harry Potter was drinking a nice, cold can of Coca-Cola when he spied Hermione and Ron off in the distance, having lunch beneath a tree. "Hey guys, what's up?" said Harry as he adjusted the laces on his Nikes.
"Just having some Burger King," Ron replied. "You know how the Whopper is the wizarding world's favorite burger."
"Isn't that the truth!" Harry said. "Say, is that a Nintendo DS I spy in your hands, Hermione? I thought you would be studying."
"Well, you always have to take a break. Besides, I'm keeping my mind sharp with Brain Age 2."
Just then, Neville walked over holding a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. "Hey guys!" said Neville excitedly, "the muggle band Aerosmith are going to be playing in a few minutes! Come see them!"
"That sounds great," said Harry. "Let me just put on my American Eagle jacket and I'll be all set!"
And so Harry Potter and company had a great time at the Aerosmith concert and all lived lucratively ever after from the money they earned for advertising these products listed.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Story as Written by J.K. Rowling's Cat
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Harry Potter and the Discovers Mayonnaise
Harry Potter was sitting in potions class one day, trying to make a draught to restore hair loss. Harry knew that the class were only making this because Snape was becoming increasingly sensitive about his hair loss, but also knew that he really couldn't afford to lose any more points for Gryffindor. Just as he was about to get finished, Draco rudely shoved Harry and caused a whole load of ingredients to fall into the pot simultaneously.
"Draco, you jerk!" Harry said.
"No fighting. 10 points from Gryffindor," Snape replied coldly from the front of the class.
"Damn it," Harry said under his breath as Draco smirked. Harry looked in his cauldron and found a thick, white substance. "This doesn't look like hair tonic at all," Harry said. He sniffed it and found that it smelled... pretty good, actually. Tasting some, he found it to be quite delicious. "I think I've invented a new foodstuff!" said Harry. "I'll have to write this one down."
Just then, Draco charmed Harry's cauldron so that it vanished and went back in time. A muggle found the contents of the cauldron, called it mayonnaise, and that is how we have mayonnaise today.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Recursive Story
Harry Potter was walking along the exterior of Hogwarts. He was trying to find a Quidditch ball that had gone stray after a particularly violent toss. He searched in several bushes until he found a strange little pink creature about the size of a mouse. "What's this?" Harry said to himself. He tried to catch it but it darted into a hole. Harry peered into the hole and was sucked violently into it where he found a cavern full of riches beyond his wildest imagination, along with the Quidditch ball. Harry gasped. He was already a rich wizard, thanks to his parents, but if he had this, he could be the richest wizard in the world! He went to grab the treasures and stuff them in his pockets, but just then, there was a deep rumbling. The cave was collapsing, and Harry was about to die! He closed his eyes against the onslaught, and then--
"Harry, come on! Wake up! We have practice!"
Harry opened his eyes and discovered the he was being shaken violently by Oliver Wood. "You fell asleep on the bench, there, Harry. Are you sure you got a good amount of sleep last night?"
Harry shook his head groggily, trying to come to. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go."
And so the practice started and one of the balls went stray into some bushes. "I'll get that!" said Harry. So Harry started to walk along the exterior of Hogwarts in an attempt to find the ball. He searched in several bushes until he found a strange little pink creature about the size of a mouse. "What's this?" Harry said to himself. He tried to catch it but it darted into a hole. Harry peered into the hole and was sucked violently into it where he found a cavern full of riches beyond his wildest imagination, along with the Quidditch ball. Harry gasped. He was already a rich wizard, thanks to his parents, but if he had this, he could be the richest wizard in the world! He went to grab the treasures and stuff them in his pockets, but just then, there was a deep rumbling. The cave was collapsing, and Harry was about to die! He closed his eyes against the onslaught, and then--
"Harry, come on! Wake up! We have practice!"
Harry opened his eyes and discovered the he was being shaken violently by Oliver Wood. "You fell asleep on the bench, there, Harry. Are you sure you got a good amount of sleep last night?"
Harry shook his head groggily, trying to come to. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go."
And so the practice started and one of the balls went stray into some bushes. "I'll get that!" said Harry. So Harry started to walk along the exterior of Hogwarts...
Harry Potter and the Old-Timey Melodrama
Harry Potter rode forth valiantly on his mighty wizard's steed. "Curse that rotten Voldemort, stealing poor, innocent Ginny from her family like that!" he said to himself. "How I long to find him and teach him a lesson in manners and dignity!"
Several miles ahead, on the wizard's train tracks, Voldemort was tying Ginny to the railroad tracks. "So! You refuse to join me, do you, silly girl? Then I have no choice but to ensure that your life ends here!"
"You horrible brute!" Ginny screamed. "When my Harry gets here, he'll put a stop to this at once! You'll see!"
"Hush, child! Do you hear that in the distance? It's the Hogwarts Express, come to end your life! Now you'll see what happens when you don't obey the great Voldemort!"
"HARRY! HEEEELLLPPP!" Ginny screamed.
"I'm here, my love!"
And there, against the image of the rising sun, there was Harry, sitting atop his steed which was majestically rearing up. "Harry Potter!" hissed Voldemort. "I was hoping you'd show up!"
"Spare me the theatrics, Voldemort! Release the girl!"
"Ah, but I'm afraid I cannot do that," said Voldemort, twirling his handlebar moustache. "For you see, it is already too late! Don't you hear the train?"
A whistle from the Hogwarts Express broke the clear air like a clarion call, signaling that it was only minutes away from crushing poor Ginny beneath it. "That's right, Harry. There's nothing you can do now! Soon, she will be dead, and I will have my revenge against her, and you!"
"Oh yeah?" said Harry. "Well, I'm here to show you what a real man can do!"
With that, Harry leapt from his steed and cut Ginny free in one fell swoop. That accomplished, he walked up to Voldemort and cold-cocked him, right on his weak, villainous chin, leaving him in a crumpled heap. "I'll be sure to take you to the constable," Harry remarked before putting Voldemort's unconscious form on the back of his horse.
"My hero!" Ginny exclaimed, hugging Harry just as the Hogwarts Express barreled by.
"Come, Ginny. Let us go and take this villain in. Then, we shall talk again of our marriage."
"Oh yes! Father will be so pleased!" Ginny replied.
Harry helped Ginny onto the horse, then mounted it himself. "To town!" Harry said, and the horse and its riders sped off. Another day had been saved, thanks to Harry Potter of the Mounted Police!
THE END
Harry Potter and the Girls' Night Out
Harry Potter was putting on her makeup in the mirror. She'd been waiting for this opportunity for a girl's night out for quite a while and now that classes were dying down she'd finally have her chance.
"Harry, you look great!" Ron said as she tried on a nice cocktail dress.
"Thank you! I like what you did with your hair!"
She smiled. "Well, you have to look good, you know!"
"But what about Hermione?"
"Eh, nothing's going to come out of tonight. No sense in wasting an opportunity to flirt!"
Harry laughed and resumed her application. In a way, she kind of wished that she could just spend the night with her boyfriend, Ginny, but she hadn't really had a chance to hang out with all the girls in a long time.
Finally, she was done. "Well, are you ready, Ron?"
"Definitely!"
"Let's go!" And so Harry, Ron, Neville, and a few of their other girlfriends went out and had the most fun and girly night out ever.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Befriends an Inanimate Object
Harry Potter's behavior was starting to concern his friends. For one, he only wanted to hang out these days with a smooth, black rock which he named Dingo. At first, he just insisted on bringing the rock to every meeting of his friends and talking to the rock as if it were an actual person. Then Harry stopped hanging out with his other friends entirely, or even speaking to them, preferring the company of the rock.
Harry's friends had tried to separate the rock from him, but it was of little use. The first time it was attempted, Harry started hissing and making weird guttural animal noises. The second time, he had turned Neville into a giant canary and ran away while everyone else tried to turn Neville back.
Finally, his friends had an idea as to how to solve this problem; they marched into Harry's room, beat him senseless, and stole the rock away. After this, Harry was magically cured!
THE END
Harry Potter and the Fountain of Warm, Sweet Blood Gushing from the Twitching, Twisted and Toremented Body of the Dying Lord Voldemort Whom Harry Righteously Impaled, Stabbed, Shot and Killed
Harry stood, grimly smiling over the twitching, twisted, and tormented body of the dying Lord Voldemort that he had righteously impaled, stabbed, shot, and killed. He realized that it was perhaps overkill, especially with the huge fountain of warm, sweet blood gushing from Voldemort's mangled, spasming remains, but he knew that he was in the right given what Voldemort had done to him and countless others, and that as long as he made sure that Voldemort was truly dead by way of decapitating the corpse, setting it on fire, encasing it in concrete, and dumping it in the ocean, that Voldemort would never bother another soul ever again.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Horrific Accident
Harry Potter laid sprawled out amongst the twisted, burning wreckage of the flying car. He had a few too many drinks and had crashed right into a hillside. He couldn't feel his legs, and he kept drifting in and out of consciousness. "Ron?" Harry asked, his own voice sounding distant and feeble to his ears. "Are you okay? Ron?"
He tried to turn his head but violent, shooting pains prevented him from doing so. Trying to look over with his eyes, he could see a severed hand. Was it his own? He couldn't tell. "Ron!" Harry again cried out. A glance to his other side revealed an eyeball which was unmistakably Ron's. "Oh god," Harry said. He hoped that Ron was somehow still alive, but this seemed less and less likely.
Harry tried to move his legs, but discovered that they wouldn't move, didn't seem to be operating properly. "Ron..." he said again before once more blacking out.
By the time the wizard police showed up, Harry was nearly dead. His left hand had been taken clean off and his legs were crushed beyond recognition and beyond saving. Ron had been nearly liquefied by the impact and was utterly beyond hope. Harry learned a harsh lesson that day; never, ever drive drunk.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Stranded in the Desert
Harry Potter had been stuck in this hot, mid-day sun for nearly a week now. He wasn't entirely sure how he had been placed here in such a desolate landscape; all he was sure of was that Voldemort was behind it.
His hunger was growing day-by-day. While Harry was able to charm up water from the ground using his wand, it was useless when it came to getting him food, and he was forced to eat whatever he came across, mostly scorpions and rattlesnakes. The harsh landscape was already affecting a change on him; his robes were becoming bleached by the harsh sun, as was his normally-black hair. Windburn and sand were also causing his skin to become tough, leathery.
Harry spied another snake before him and zapped it with his wand, causing it to become instantly cooked. As he gnawed on the snake's meat, he stopped to think about all he had been through, and how he wanted his revenge against Voldemort more than ever.
Just then, he heard the rumble of a wizard's helicopter above. He craned his head up and saw Ron piloting it, with Hermione peering out the side. "There you are!" Hermione shouted. "Grab this!"
Hermione let loose a wizard's rope ladder, which Harry promptly climbed up. As the helicopter sped away, Hermione said "I was afraid we'd never find you. Voldemort transported you right into the middle of the Mojave! Are you OK?"
"I'm fine," said Harry. "Just take me to Voldemort."
And thus the helicopter sped away to the west, out to find Voldemort and bring him to justice.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Master Race
Harry Potter sat, Klan hood on head, before a crowd of similarly-dressed individuals. "Oh, my white brothers!" Harry said. "Too long has our pure, noble magic been tainted by the stench of the inferior races! Tonight, we shall rise up against them and clean our magic of its black stain, cleanse and purify it before it becomes dragged down in the mud by those despicable heathen monkeys!"
Just then a door opened and Hermione appeared. "Harry!" he said, "What are you doing?"
"Isn't it obvious?" said Harry. "I am saving our race and our magic!"
"Harry, a grand wizard in the Ku Klux Klan isn't THAT kind of wizard."
"Oh." Harry said. He paused for a moment, awkwardly. He then turned to the other people at the table and said "OK, changed my mind, meeting's adjourned."
THE END
Harry Potter and the Declaration of Independence
Harry stood in front of Hermione's desk, tapping his foot. "Hermione, we're supposed to go out to meet Ron right now. Why are you studying up on American history? This doesn't have anything to do with what we're learning right now."
"Well, Harry," said Hermione, "in order to better understand the wizarding world, it's a good idea to study the muggle world as well. You should know this, Harry, you grew up as a muggle just like I did."
"But American history? Come on, what's so important about that?"
"America has had a huge impact on world politics. I bet you don't even know about the Declaration of Independence and how it was written!"
"Like I'd care," Harry replied.
"Well, Harry, it's time for you to experience history!" And Hermione pulled out some powder and threw it on the ground and suddenly Harry and Hermione were in America circa 1776. "Come on, Harry," Hermione said, "Let's put on the Cloak of Invisibility and watch Thomas Jefferson actually write the Declaration of Independence!"
So they went to where Jefferson was writing it and they made a terrible discovery; Jefferson was tied up and about to be killed by Voldemort! "Gasp!" said Harry. "How did he get back in time like this?"
"He must have followed us and is trying to change world history! Come on, Harry! Let's stop him!"
And so Harry and Hermione entered an action-packed magical battle against Voldemort and defeated him by sending him back to the present. They then freed Thomas Jefferson who thanked the two and gave them both medals. This accomplished, they went back to the present, where they were both met with the stern gaze of McGonagall. "So, traveling back in time without permission, are we?" McGonnagal sniffed.
"Wait, we can explain!" said Hermione.
"It doesn't matter. 10 points from Gryffindor."
Hermione tried to protest again, but Harry held her back. "Don't worry, Hermione. It's only 10 points. Besides, I learned valuable lessons about American history today!"
And so the day was saved thanks to Harry Potter.
THE END
Harry Potter and the error 404: file not found
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Harry Potter and the Occurrence of Little Significance
Harry Potter was having another tall glass of his cool, clear Irish spring water, enjoying it as he always did, when suddenly there was a loud crashing sound coming from outside the door! Harry pulled out his wand instinctively and crept forward. He was still on the run, still trying to not be captured while he searched out the Horcruxes, and he was on-edge. That crunching, splintering... what could it have been? Had he finally been found?
He reached the front door with puzzlement. The door didn't seem to be broken; highly peculiar, given the noises he had heard. A groaning pierced the air! That had to be one of Voldemort's unearthly minions! He had to be doubly careful now!
He crept up to the door, then flung it open and thrust his wand out. "OK, Voldemort! You-"
But there were no minions or anything outside. All he saw was Neville laying on top of a pile of broken crates, groaning. "Harry, I think I fell off the roof and broke something," Neville said wincingly.
Harry laughed. "Oh Neville, what am I going to do with you?" Then he went back inside and resumed drinking his water. Still the best water he'd ever tasted.
THE END
Harry Potter and the help me i'm trapped in this small room being forced to write these stories at gunpoint
Harry Potter was hanging out in the Gryffindor lounge, talking to his friend Ron Weasley oh god please someone rescue me
"Hi Harry!" said Ron.
"Hi it's so dark Ron!" said Harry.
"How are you?" said Ron.
"I am fine," said Harry.
They sat, smiling at each other i've been trapped here for months why god why and Ron said "Well, Harry, let us both see what Hermione is doing. Right now."
"That sounds good," said Harry no food for days, no escape
They both stood up, slowly, and walked over to where Hermione was reading a book so cold about wizarding. "Hi, Harry. Hi, Ron," she said.
"What are you doing?" said Harry.
"I am reading. A book. It is good," said Hermione please call the police call anyone just get me out
"That is great," said Harry. "Want to get lunch. With us?"
"Sure," said Hermione oh no i can hear the trigger it's being pulled oh no please god this can't be happening this ca
Harry Potter and the His Acceptance of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Glory Hallelujah Amen)
Harry Potter was sitting, paging through a book idly. "Hey Harry," said Ron, "what are you doing?"
"Saving my soul," said Harry.
"Uhm, what?" said Ron.
"I have discovered the light, the true path. I am going to soon renounce my magical ways, so I can exalt his his glory forever, amen."
"Harry, you're acting kind of strange," Ron said, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder.
"STAND BACK, SINNER!" Harry bellowed, turning around with his book in front of him, which was a copy of the Bible. "I will not have you touch me in that way!"
"Harry, what's going on? This is madness," Ron said.
"No. This school is sinful! Magic is sinful! And all sinners must burn!"
And so Harry bodily ascended into Heaven to be with the Lord forever, while Hogwarts and its sinful inhabitants burned and screamed and yelled for their sins.
THE END
Harry Potter and the Violent Killing Spree
Harry Potter pointed his wand coolly at another of his fellow students and said, grimly, "Avada Kedavra," causing him to drop like a fly.
Two wizard guards tried to stop Harry's rampage but they, too, were soon mowed down.
It had all started earlier that day, when Harry was futzing around on his wizard's computer watching violent WizardTube videos while listening to wizard's heavy metal. "This stuff is so dark and awesome," said Harry. "All this stuff just totally speaks to me."
"Hey Harry," said Ron. "I have something you might be interested in!"
"Well, what is it? Go on, tell me!" said Harry.
"It's this weird muggle game that I came across. Fred gave it to me, but I can't make sense of it. He says it's called DOOM."
That game had changed Harry permanently. It had raised a bloodlust in him so catastrophic, so immense, that even after having killed half of the students in Hogwarts, he wasn't satisfied.
Finally, Harry found himself face to face with Albus Dumbledore. "Harry," he said, "I never realized the muggle world would have this sort of effect on you. Please, put the wand down, for your own good."
"Never!" said Harry, as he launched another avada kedavra at another student to his side.
"Then you leave me no choice." Albus pointed his wand at Harry and chanted magic words so arcane that it would be impossible to transcribe them here, leaving Harry a smoking crater. Dumbledore walked over to the hole and shook his head sadly. "If only he had not tried to play that game on its hardest difficulty level. That's enough to make anyone snap."
THE END
Harry Potter and the Passed Several Times Through Babelfish
The tracks of Halley had been based on the vector of the feeding first of the small lunch, that one that was described exactly in the cup of the water of the control. It sprinkles the screw of the question and, to continue that, this one is dangerous purer Shui, with the world is to the interior as if the stature of the station of the work to take with great the Irish motivation of the magical force. Halley has the leccato this part, that one that is labbro, of that drought dse above, satisfied to unload. The kiss appreciates if pleasure.
THE END