ScrewedBob SquarePanties

Episode Two: Playing Hooker

This story is based on the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Hooky" but, sadly, I do not own this episode of SpongeBob, or any episodes, characters, or scenarios. Nick does. If you want actual SpongeBob stuff not written by a nobody high-school kid, go to and their surrounding companies. This is pure fiction, and is for enjoyment and humour purposes. It is rated M for Mature for sexual description, mild depictions of blood and gore, and foul language. Basically put, it's not kids stuff. Or teens stuff. And it's barely adult stuff. IT's too elicit. If you are at risk of throwing up if you read such descriptive media, avoid this please. Don't even let your 84-year-old children read this and send me angry letters. I won't care. I'll laugh at your unfortunate circumstance. Review this, it better be good, or I'll go to your house and set you cat on fire, put him out, set him ablaze again, put him out, appologize to you and write PETA saying "don't sue".

Squidward and SpongeBob are cleaning up the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob has suspiciously decided to wash the bottoms of chairs with male customers in them. Squidward spotted SpongeBob even using his touge as the mop underneath a fat guy whos butt was hanging off the stool. Squidward couldn't take anymore. He walked up to SpongeBob (who was under the stool) and looked him in the eye. "You, sir, are a gay-bitch, retarded, maggot-faggot, mother-fu-" PUNCH! the fat guy at the table hit Squidward, thinking he was talking to him while starring at his ass, because SpongeBob had left to clean the toilets. SpongeBob heard the racket and ran out of the bathroom and eyed Squidward. "I didn't know you were gay, Squid." he said cheerfully. "What, no, I was talking to you" Squidward said defensivly. "Do I look like an ass to you?" SpongeBob asked. "Yes" Squid chuckled. "Oh!" SpongeBob said, strangly happy for just being called an ass. "Do you want to see my ass? It'll help the gay-stage fade away." "Ugh!!! No, you queer hooker." A gay hooker that was asking where the bathrooms were thought Squid was talking to him and Bitch-slapped him. "Damn, eyerything is going wrong. I'm sick of these accidents" A woman, who had also misheard him, walked up to him. "My baby was not an accident, jack-ass!" She bitch-slapped him. The baby heard it's first word and started mocking it. "My. My. Mymymymymy. Myy. MyMymy." She bitch-slapped him again. "Now I have to heard that word for the next 78 years, It's against are religon! Myself is proper!!" She bitch-slapped him over and over and over and over. "I could be worse!" he yelled. "How?" she asked as she started to leave. "What more profane could you have said?" "Shit!" he yelled. The baby thought this word was funny. "Shit." it mocked. "Shitshitshit. Shitty. Shit. Oh Shit. Holy Shit. ShitShitMcShittyJanson." "Damn you!" the woman yelled. The baby loved that word too. "Damn." It mocked again. "Damndamndamn. Dammit. Oh Damn. Holy Damn. DamnDamnMCDammitJanson" she bitch-slapped him, blindfolded him, masterbated him, cut off his penis, and sold it to a gay crab on eBay for sex practice.

Mr. Krabs ran in. "Where's my dumb-ass Squid employee?" The baby loved that word. "Dumb-ass." it mocked again. "DumbassDumbassDumbass. Oh Ass. Holy Ass. AssAssmcAssHoleJackAss!" "Oh, Mr Krabs!" the woman said. "You've expanded my baby's vocabulary. Let's go have sex!" Squidward starred, dissappointed. He started sobbing.

One hot half-hour with a hooker later

Mr.Krab's ran out. "Run aw-" "Cool treads, Mr. K. I thought all your pants were blue, how'd you gett these white ones?" SpongeBob asked, oblivious to the ovious. "Uh, eBay." Mr. Krabs replied. Did you get Squid's weener while you were at it?" Mr. Krabs hid Squidward penis in his back pocket. "Uh, no." "What were you saying?" Squidward asker. "I was just damned!! NO!! THEY'RE HERE!! GET YOU'RE ASSES TO Rock Bottom, THEY'RE HERE!! The Hook-" "We went over this in Season 1. I already know about the Hooks. We're at Season 5 now. We can drop it. Or, oh, have the creators run out of ideas? Is this a remake?" "No, the HookERS. They turn you on with they're huge nipples -" "-or penis." SpongeBob chuckled. Mr. Krabs continued. "And keep asking fer 50 bucks per layer of clothes!" "How many layers are there, Mr.K". I don't remember, but I gave her $60, 000 and she was still in a sweater". "Then why are your pants white?" Squidward asked. "I materbated to your pe-" Mr.Krabs noticed Squidward wasn't supposed to know that he had Squid's penis. "Your... uh... PE--rfect clairnet playing CD." "Why, thank you" Squid said. SpongeBob butted in "So, where are they?" "EVERYWHERE! Restraunts, street cornors, kid's shows" "AHH!" SpongeBob screamed. "Do-do-did you not notice all the clothes" "I thought she was a fatty" Mr. Krabs admitted. Then he threatened threatened "If anyone here's caught with a hooker - THEY'RE FIRED!!!"

SpongeBob was shaking on the way home from work. He say Patrick with a wrinkly, 80-year old male hooker in a Speedo so tight that you could almost she his wrinkly old balls hanging out. "What are you doing?!" Sponge yelled. "His clothes must end sometime!" Patrick shouted back and scanned a credit card. He took off his Speedo to reveil another Speedo. "Damn" Patrick said. He did it again.The hooker still had another speedo. "Damn." Another swipe, another speedo. "Damn" Swipe, speedo. "Damn". Swipe, speedo. "Damn." Swipe, beep. The hooker coughed. "This card is maxed." "Damn. Patrick said, 76 layers at $50 each. Another 26 and you'd be naked. What a bargain. SpongeBob eyed. "I'm gald I'm not caught up in this Hooker nonsence." Patrick said. "Oh, by the way SpongeBob, here's you're credit card back." "Aw, hell no" he said. Patrick ran away laughing and pissing himself. Nearby, from behind a pole, Squidward saw everything. (that's how skinny that son of a bitch is) He painted himself yellow, stabbed holes in himself, sucked helium to sound more like SpongeBob, walked into Binkini Bottom clam bank, and said. "I'm SpongeBob Squarepants. I Believe you have an account record I could use." the manager said "Ok sir, what's your card number?" Squid stuttered. "I... don't... know" "Sorry SpongeBob, I thought you were Squiddy for a second hack your account again... but you're still a dumbass. Yeup, that's you SpongeBob. He ya go." he said, handing over the account information.

Squidward brought the shocking evidence to Mr. Krabs and told him the whole story. "Good job, lad. Now I need a tad more evidence on Patrick. Say ye spy on 'im and you get a raise and SpongeBastard and Patdick gets fired.." "Ok, Mr. K!" He said, happy that SpongeBob would be fired. "Wait, Patrick dosen't here.". "Yeah he does," Mr. Krabs said, "he's the janitor." "No wonder it smells like shit here" Squid chuckled.

He walked to Patricks rock quietly, and pressed his ear on the rock's wall. He filmed it all on his water-proof home movie camera that he'd taped all his clairnet performances om. "I saw a beaver today." Patick said happily. "Really, what'd it look like?" SpongeBob asked excited. "I dunno, it was so hairy it was hard to tell... a lot like the ones in the magazines you buy." Patrick said. Squidward couldn't believe they made it this easy to get them fired. "Let's read one now!" SpongeBob said. "Duh, OK!" Patrick said. "Squidwards pressing his ear on the door." SpongeBob said. "We can't now." "WHO CARES?!" Patrick said. I LOVE Their Bush-" "-aHa" Squid jumped in the room. I got it all on tape!" He wanted to jump in before they got naked. "Akward..." SpongeBob said. "Your tricks won't work on Mr. Krabs!" he yelled, "you'll be fired!" "For what?" Patrick asked. Squidward notice the magazine SpongeBob was holding was a copy of Animal Planet, and was opened to an article on beavers. "As I was saying - I love their bushy tails and buck teeth" "Me too!" SpongeBob chirped. "Dammit." Squidward said unhappily.

SpongeBob was walking to work. He saw an squid-like thing in a speedo. "50 bucks to take off your clothes." he said. "OKAY! I'm ready, I'm ready, gonna get naked!" he said. "Tah-dah!" The creature said "Good SpongeBob...". "What the hell? How'd you know my name?!?" SpongeBob asked. The stranger rubbed SpongeBob's naked body all over the Krusty Krab window, where Pearl was having a birthday party. "SHIT! GIRLS!" SpongeBob cried and ran away. "I saw SpongeBob SquarePenis" Pearl laughed. "Aw, I miss it." her friends yelled. "Don't worry, it'll be on YouTube in an hour." Mr.Krabs walked up to SquidWard. "Mighty fine hookering there, Mr. SquidWard." "Why Thank you" he started. "But I thought you were saying SpongeBob was gay? You grabbed his ass and rubbed his dick on my window. You're fired." Squidward blinked. "Huh?"

LE END