Another disclaimer has been posted online saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters. But this is madness that I made up about the continuing problems of Cobra having their private business posted online for the entire world to see.
Cobraleaks Gone Wild
"So how long do you think Baroness and Destro are going to be on the roof?" Torch asked casually as he looked upwards towards the ceiling.
"Depends on how much ammo the Baroness has left," Zartan replied.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Well she went through a lot before," Mindbender remarked. "The explosions are getting less frequent. I'd say about ten, fifteen minutes tops."
"It's his own fault," Zartan scoffed. "What did he think would happen when the Baroness learned about those twenty different paternity suits?"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"To be fair only two of them turned out positive," Torch said. "Those odds aren't that bad."
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"
"BARONESSS!" Destro was heard screaming.
"Unless of course you're Destro," Zartan smirked.
"Personally I think she's overreacting," Zandar scoffed. "I know for a fact the Baroness already knew about the one in Jamaica a long time ago. And I also know she suspected the other one in Scotland for some time now."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Yeah but you gotta admit those pictures of him with those porn stars at that Adult Film Awards were a bit much," Zarana said. "And the fact that he rented out his fancy schmancy castle to a few 'films' last year would get any woman a bit miffed."
"I knew that castle in 'Glinda Does Glasgow' looked familiar," Torch said to his fellow Dreadnoks.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Not to mention the one in 'Lord of the Unzipped Flies'," Torch added. "Didn't I tell you that place looked familiar Cobra Commander? Commander?"
"What has happened to my life?" Cobra Commander was holding his head in a chair. "What has happened to my life?"
"Something wrong Commander?" Torch asked.
Cobra Commander gave him a look behind his mask. "Oh no Torch. Everything's just peachy!" He said sarcastically. "I mean besides the fact that all of our most secret documents and blueprints are online for every Barney Buttinsky and Nancy Nosey Nose to read things are great! Just because the world now knows about all our secret alliances, weapons and bank accounts that's no reason to have a bad day now is it?"
"Uh…" Torch blinked behind his sunglasses.
"Okay so all our contacts and allies have been exposed to the world and are turning on us faster than hooker on her celebrity john but hey, other than that, everything's coming up roses!" Cobra Commander kept going. "And despite the fact that all of us have been opened up to even more criminal charges if we ever get caught and odds are we will thanks to Wikleaks and Google showing all our secret hideout addresses things are just hunky dory!"
"Oh dear…" Mindbender sighed.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"And of course let's not forget that one of our associates has gone completely unhinged by the actions of another one of our members and will probably blow us all up to kingdom come. But that's no big deal. In fact, other than the small problems of being broke, abandoned by all allies, our staff being at each other's throats and utterly humiliated beyond repair I'm fine!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We're all just fine! All is well! Everything is sunshine, rainbows and freaking lollypops!"
"Well…As long as you're fine," Torch remarked.
"Torch. Look at me," Cobra Commander hissed. "Are you in there?"
"In where?" Torch blinked. "The room?"
"Never mind," Cobra Commander moaned. "I have my answer."
"Oh good," Torch nodded. "Uh what was the question again?"
"Somebody please remind me why I don't just kill you all and start all over again with a pack of rabid hamsters?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Because quite frankly the rabid hamsters seem to be more competent and have better memory retention than all of you!"
"Commander we…." Xamot began.
"Horde," Monkeywrench spoke up.
"What?" Cobra Commander looked at Monkeywrench. "What did you say?"
"A group of hamsters is a horde," Monkeywrench explained. "It's a horde of rabid hamsters not a pack."
"I don't care what they're called," Cobra Commander snarled.
"Well you should. If you are going to use rabid hamsters you need to start off with the right terminology," Monkeywrench told him.
"He's right," Buzzer said. "You can't just go down the local pet store and ask for a pack of hamsters. They'll have no idea what you're talking about."
"I have no idea what you idiots are talking about now!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We're talking about hamsters, Commander," Monkeywrench reminded him. "You know a horde of hamsters?"
"Sure I 'horde' of hamsters! Who hasn't?" Torch snickered. "Get it? I made a joke!"
"Yes Torch," Zartan said. "And you are all going to get it if you don't stifle yourselves!"
"Get what? A prize? Ooh! I love a prize!" Ripper said happily.
"How did this happen to me?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "How did I just get stuck in a bad situation comedy?"
"See usually if you are going to describe any group of rodents, horde is for the most part the proper term to describe them," Monkeywrench explained. "Horde of rats. Horde of mice…Well actually a group of mice can also be known as a cluster or mischief."
"I don't care," Cobra Commander said.
"Now squirrels are known as either a dray or if you're into alliteration, a scurry," Monkeywrench went on. "As in a scurry of squirrels."
"I said I don't care," Cobra Commander snarled.
"Scurry kind of makes more sense because that is what squirrels do," Monkeywrench went on. "Just scurry all over the place."
"I do not care! Why are you still talking when I don't care?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Dray doesn't really describe a group of squirrels," Monkeywrench went on. "Especially since it describes a squirrel's nest. And since most squirrels only nest together in groups of two or three that's not really…"
"What part of I do not care do you have trouble comprehending?" Cobra Commander shouted. "The part where I say I or the do not care part?"
"Could be mama squirrel and litter of her babies," Torch added. "That would count as a dray right?"
"Oh well yes if it's a family situation I can see that because a dray is where the whole family of squirrels lives," Monkeywrench agreed.
"They keep talking!" Cobra Commander shouted. "I tell them I don't care and they just keep talking!"
"What are baby squirrels called anyway?" Ripper asked.
"Usually infants but sometimes pups or kits," Monkeywrench said.
"Why are they still talking? Am I invisible?" Cobra Commander snapped. "HELLO! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?"
"Incidentally a male squirrel is called a Jake and a female is called a Jenny," Monkeywrench added.
"If I see 'em on the lawn I call 'em targets," Torch snickered.
"YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE TARGETS IFYOU DON'T SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander stood up. "I swear the lot of you are the sorriest group of Cobras I ever…"
"Quiver," Monkeywrench said. "A group of cobras is called a quiver."
"YOU'RE ALL GONNA QUIVER WITH FEAR IF YOU DON'T KNOCK IT OFF!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Just all…SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
Then he started throwing papers and objects around. "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander screamed. "EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!" He finally stopped and sat in his chair sulking.
Road Pig spoke up in his Donald voice. "Incidentally a group of moles is known as a labor."
"WHAT IS THIS? MUTUAL OF MORONS WILD KINGDOM?" Cobra Commander yelled. "Someone else besides the Dreadnoks say something before I figure out what you call a very large group of maimed and destroyed dead bodies!"
"Perhaps we should move on to more important business?" Mindbender sighed.
"Yes, anything to get off this topic that goes to nowhere," Zartan agreed. "Crimson Twins you were about to say something before our resident amateur zoologists interrupted us?"
"As we were about to say…" Xamot began.
"Before we were so rudely interrupted," Tomax glared at the Dreadnoks.
"The damage is quite widespread," Xamot sighed. "As a result of the Wikileaks postings many of our allies including a few politicians are already being investigated and arrested. All our connections within the banking community…"
"The global financial community…" Tomax added.
"Other terrorist organizations that supply us with weapons or do jobs for us," Xamot added.
"Various members of the police force and military officers that are our contacts in several countries…" Tomax went on.
"All have been named and are under investigation," Xamot sighed.
"Well not all of them right?" Torch asked. "What about Tony, that guy who gives us Dreadnoks those defective donuts from that bakery every other Tuesday. That can't be on there, can it?"
"Nope that's on there too," Zartan sighed.
"Boy those Wikileaks guys really are thorough aren't they?" Torch blinked.
"Incidentally Tony has just been fired from the bakery and is now in police custody being arraigned on several charges including conspiracy, aiding and abetting terrorists, theft and something about using donuts as an assault weapon," Zartan blinked.
"Oh that. We were trying some new donut bazooka weapon Buzzer made up," Monkeywrench explained. "Didn't work out the way we thought it would."
"Damn! I'm gonna miss those donuts," Buzzer said.
"They were right tasty," Torch agreed.
"What about the GI Joes?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Why aren't their secret files online?"
"They are. Well some of them anyway," Mindbender pointed.
"Finally! Somebody besides us getting it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Maybe this won't be a total loss after all?"
"Don't bet on it," Zandar groaned.
"All they have on the Joes is the location of the Pit, who's in the Joes and one or two of those stupid home movies Quick Kick and Short Fuse made on their fellow Joes," Zartan groaned. "Nothing we didn't already know about. Oh wait, here's something. A record of a court martial for some guy named Sgt. Snuffles."
"Send a hyperlink to my email so I can look at that last part later," Cobra Commander told him. "Maybe Cobra can get a new recruit? We need to salvage something out of this mess!"
SLAM!
"That woman is insane!" Destro panted as he leaned against the door. His uniform was tattered in various places and his helmet looked slightly damaged.
"Don't need to look on Wikileaks to tell us that," Zartan scoffed.
"Still mad huh?" Torch asked Destro.
"DESTRO! COME AND FACE ME YOU COWARD!" The Baroness was heard shouting from the other side of the door. She was pounding on the door very hard as well.
"She's still a tad miffed, yes!" Destro glared at Torch. "I am beginning to loathe the Internet Age!"
"And I am beginning to loathe my life and wonder if I should just retire to one of my private houses on a tropical island?" Cobra Commander moaned.
"The one in Barbados or the one in the Bahamas?" Torch asked. "Cause according to the net both of them just got repossessed by…" Cobra Commander glared at him. "I know, I know. Shut up."
SLAM!
Destro was knocked down by the force of the door opening. "Oh Baroness come on in," Cobra Commander drawled.
"Baroness…My love…" Destro gulped as he tried to get up.
"Don't my love me you two timing Romeo!" The Baroness stepped on his chest and pointed a gun at him.
"Isn't he more like a four or five timing Romeo?" Torch suggested.
"Torch, didn't someone just tell you to shut up?" Destro shouted.
"I have had it Destro! I have had it with the lies! The scheming! The going behind my back! Your lack of commitment to anything but your…." The Baroness fumed. "Your…"
"Horde of whores?" Monkeywrench suggested.
"Thank you! Horde of whores!" The Baroness snapped.
"And that boys and girls is the end of today's vocabulary lesson," Cobra Commander quipped snidely. "Today's lesson was brought to you by the letter M, as in MORONS AND MANIACS! I HAVE MORONS AND MANIACS ON MY PAYROLL!"
He stood up. "Baroness, let Destro up. As much as I'd love to see you splatter his brains all over the carpet, I need them to help us get out of this mess! You can sort out your love life such as it is, after we settle our little problem!"
An alarm just went off. "Like the United States Army invading our secret headquarters…" Cobra Commander moaned as he looked at the monitor. "Which is no longer a secret thanks to Wikileaks! Great! Just the perfect end to a perfectly stupid day!"
"Just a thought are there any bases that aren't on that damned website we can hide out in?" Destro asked as he got up.
"Only one…" Mindbender told him. "Base J3."
"J3? Isn't that the one under that fast food restaurant?" Tomax blanched.
"Great our uniforms will smell like fried chicken for months," Xamot moaned.
"Why do you say that like it's a bad thing?" Torch asked.
"Of course smelling like fried chicken is a step up for a Dreadnok," Destro moaned.
"Just shut up and run you perverted…On second thought just say behind and get captured by the army!" The Baroness snapped as they ran down a secret tunnel in order to escape.
"Don't tempt me," Destro groaned. "Prison might be the only place safe from your insanity!"
"I hate my life…" Cobra Commander moaned. "I hate my life!"