"Lucky Gai's Irish Pub"
Chapter 1: Konoha's St. Patrick's Day Parade
Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto, Lucky Charms, Rainbow Bright, Skittles or anything else.
A/N: Split into two chapters. First chapter is somewhat short, second will be considerably longer. Hm, for those of you who haven't read my other stories, the Akatsuki own an evil mailbox shaped like Gumby, Sasori ingests household cleaners, one of those masked tendril entities that comes out of Kakuzu's back has been deemed Mr. Chiclets, Pein eats crack laced candy, Konan smokes and Zetsu's 'seed' is green. Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
-oOo-
"Happy St. Patrick's Daaaaaaay!" a trio of kunoichi cried, throwing green leis made of strung shamrocks over the heads of the Akatsuki as they walked through the gates of Konoha. One girl, who happened to look like Deidara's ugly midget cousin was brave enough to plant a kiss on Hidan's cheek before running off, squealing with fangirl glee. Hidan screamed as if he'd been burned and promptly doused his face with holy water. He dropped to his knees and drew out a spike, ready to impale himself right on the street when Kakuzu pulled the Jashinist to his feet.
"No bloodshed today. Remember the rules."
"I'm not obeying orders from an overgrown leprechaun!"
Kakuzu's green eyes flashed and he wrapped his fingers around Hidan's throat and lifted him off the ground.
"Did you just call me a leper?"
"No, you fucking moron, a leprechaun. You're dressed like one. Hell, your fucking tentacle rapist back buddy is carrying around your fucking pot of gold!"
"Pot O' Gold. Accent on the 'O'."
Kakuzu dropped Hidan and everyone started back on their merry way. The old missing Falls nin kept glancing warily at the crowds, keeping a firm hold on Mr. Chiclet's leash. He WAS holding onto his gold, after all. Hidan snorted and rolled his eyes.
"What is it now, Hidan?"
"You do know the gold is fake, right?"
Kakuzu stopped in his tracks. Tobi ran into him and fell backwards into Sasori, who fell and shattered into pieces. Deidara let out a cry of dismay and scurried around, trying to put Humpty Dumpty (oops I mean Sasori) back together again. Kakuzu glared at Hidan for a moment, then scooped out a single piece of gold and a magnifying glass. He held the gold and the glass up to his face, one strange eye magnified to ten times its normal size. Still unsatisfied, Kakuzu finally bit into the gold. He held it out for Hidan to see. When the priest tried to grab it, Kakuzu slapped his hand.
"Look, don't touch, dumb ass," Kakuzu growled. Hidan stared at the gold.
"Yeah? What am I looking at? Your aesthetic bite marks?"
"It's soft, like pure gold is supposed to be. It tastes like gold. It IS gold. Do not question me pot o' gold," Kakuzu ended in an impressive Irish accent. Hidan's pink eyes widened.
"You know, I think you've been eating your gold. All this shit has gone to your fucking head. And quit glaring at me. The fact that your eyes match your hat creeps me the fuck out."
"Keep moving, people," Pein droned from the front.
"I think that's the last piece, Danna," Deidara said as he and Tobi screwed in the puppet's fingers. Sasori flexed them and nodded. Tobi dusted off his hat and placed it at a jaunty angle on Sasori's head and then skipped ahead of the group, showing off his festive shamrock shaped mask and tugging at his sexy scarf.
"Why are we even here?" Sasori sighed, fixing his stupid red beard back in place.
"Because we were invited," Pein answered. He had dyed his spiky hair green for the occasion, and Deidara was convinced it made him look like he had used Zetsu's fertilizer as shampoo. The other five Peins hadn't been allowed to come, because Konan had insisted that it would be too difficult to keep watch of six Peins at once.
"So what are we supposed to do again?" Kisame asked, looking timid and keeping his head low in his high collar. The poor shark nin was more insecure than ever about his looks, since Pein had ordered Tobi to spray paint his blue skin green. Kisame resembled the Jolly Green Giant, but after Itachi sent three members of Akatsuki to their own personal hell, which was devoid of HBO and chocolate, no one joked about it anymore.
Hidan still occasionally doused the shark nin with holy water and kept a safe distance from him because of his likeness to a certain diabolical Gumby mailbox. Kisame was holding Itachi's hand, since he was wearing shamrock sunglasses (sham-glasses) that prevented him from seeing anything further than three feet in front of him. Or that was Itachi's story, anyway.
"We're going to watch a parade at noon then go to the party at Lucky Gai's Irish Pub," Konan said, looking at some notes she'd scribbled down on Tobi's Rainbow Bright stationary. He'd picked it because of the rainbows. Most of the Akatsuki were convinced Tobi was either gay or severely retarded. Maybe both.
"Pub?" Kakuzu asked, perking up like a dog that had just heard 'outside?'
"As in…booze?" Kakuzu added hopefully. Mr. Chiclets let out a happy bark. Konan nodded and quickly looked away from the old man, who'd started to do a jig with his masked 'baby.' Tayuya came out of nowhere and started to play a cheerful little tune on her flute. When Kakuzu started to river dance, Pein gave Kisame a look and the shark nin smacked Kakuzu so hard in the face some of his stitching came undone.
"Thanks…needed that," Kakuzu said dully, rubbing his jaw. Kisame nodded and jogged back up to Itachi, who'd wandered off to talk to a group of kids, all of which were pointing and laughing at his sham-glasses.
"Sasuke?"
"Who?" one of the kids asked blankly. Kisame apologized to the Konoha brats and dragged Itachi away.
"Irish you a Merry Christmas," Itachi said. Kisame knew it was going to be a trying day.
-oOo-
Konoha's St. Patrick's Day parade was a sight to behold indeed. There were floats shaped like Spongebob, Luigi, Bart Simpson, Tyrannosaurus Allan (A/N: did that just for the Brits), Barbie (much to Sasori's delight) and even…
"Gumby?" Kisame asked the towering float that looked like a mildly insane green bean.
"Holy shit it's the devil, un!"
"Is that your mommy?" Tobi asked Kisame.
Hidan reached for his rosary and started to murmur a prayer under his breath.
"Uh, Hidan?" Sasori said, scratching at his beard.
"What, can't you see I'm busy praying for my eternal soul?"
"That…is not your rosary."
"The fuck you talking abou…" Hidan trailed off as he noticed that his circular medallion had been replaced with a Celtic cross.
"Oh my fucking Jashin...without my rosary, I'm exposed to all this heathen idolatry! I'm not protected from this satanic cartoon worship!"
Hidan ripped off the abomination and threw it into the line of skipping school kids dressed in green shorts and top hats. The flying cross hit a kid with whiskers on his face and he was knocked off his feet.
"Believe it!" he cried as he fell.
"Sasuke?" Itachi asked hopefully, sliding his sham-glasses down his nose and squinting around. Sasuke was there, of course, scoffing at Naruto. If he had seen his older brother things might have gotten ugly, but Kiba threw some chocolate gold coins at Itachi, who swooped down to collect them just as Sasuke looked into the crowd. Itachi shoveled the chocolate treats into his mouth without bothering to unwrap them first, and started to choke. Kisame had to give Itachi the Heimlich maneuver and when he was able to breathe again, Itachi stood straight up and went back to gazing blankly in the general direction of the parade.
"Tobi can't see!" Tobi cried, hopping up and down. Sasori kept picking at his fake beard. No one else was wearing a beard, which utterly boggled the puppet's artificial brain. Though, looking at the Akatsuki version of the Incredible Hulk (Kisame) and Franken-leper (Kakuzu), he didn't think he'd gotten too bad of a deal.
-oOo-
Next chapter will be at the pub! Yay!