Temari's Christmas Special
Author's Note: This one is a bit late thanks to fanfiction dot net banning me for a week for practically no reason. I got the idea for this from the crazy Christmas robots at Walmart that talk and move around when someone gets close to them. There was a Santa Claus, a Frosty the Snowman and a Grinch. Frosty looked pissed as hell and the Grinch liked to grope people if they got close enough. Eventually they replaced the Grinch with a guy who was half bear, half human and wearing a Santa suit. The Grinch probably got beat up for smacking someone's ass or something. You break it, you buy it, oh well.....
It was Christmas Eve in Hidden Sand Village. Temari, Gaara, and Baki had all gone to bed and Baki was up alone, setting out some snacks for Santa Clause. Christmas was one holiday that even the Sand Siblings knew about. With the milk and cookies in place, Baki turned to go upstairs to his room. But just then, something could be heard prancing on the roof!!!
"It must be Santa!!!" gasped Baki in surprise. He went and hid behind the Christmas tree so he could actually get a chance to see the legend of Christmas.
It wasn't long until some muffled cursing could be heard as Santa tried to squeeze his fat ass down the chimney. A couple of dead raccoons fell down the chimney into the fire.....
"Oh shit, the fire!!!" shouted Baki, realizing his error. But it was too late!
Santa slid the rest of the way down and landed right in the fire!
"Holy fucking shit!!!" cursed Santa in pain as his whole body caught on fire, he tried stop, drop and roll but it wasn't working.
Luckily Baki grabbed a fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
"Are you ok Santa?" asked Baki with concern.
"Fuck no you dumb shit!" shouted Santa dragging his sack behind him.
He looked around and went over to the milk and cookies. He took a drink of milk then spit it out.
"Goddamn that tastes like shit!! God I hate milk!!" cursed Santa throwing the glass of milk on the floor then throwing the cookies across the room, the plate shattering on the far wall.
"I thought you loved milk Santa?" said Baki in confusion.
"Listen son, does this look like a "milk belly" to you?" asked Santa shaking his huge gut. "Leave me some beer and pretzels next time you worthless fuck!" said Santa kicking Baki in the balls to make his point. "And maybe some porn mags too."
"Uh, ok. Hey Santa, there is one thing I always wanted to know." said Baki from the floor, clenching his stomach.
"Well spit it out boy, I don't got all night." said Santa.
"How do you deliver presents to all the kids around the world in one night?" asked Baki.
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu dumb-ass. Obviously....." said Santa rolling his eyes. He then went and placed the presents under the tree and was preparing to leave.
"One last thing, why do rich kids get more presents than poor kids?" asked Baki.
"Cause I hate poor people you tard." said Santa spitting on Baki.
"Oh by the way, can I meet Rudolph, I'm a huge fan of his!" said Baki.
"You dumb fuck, Rudolph is back home with the runs. I had to replace him with Adolph Hitler." sneered Santa.
"Hitler!? I thought he was dead?" exclaimed Baki.
"Not the World War II guy, you fucker." said Santa with disgust. "I have a reindeer who has the same name as him. He was born next to a nuclear reactor and glows in the dark." He then looked at Baki with a vicious look in his eyes......
Hours later it was five o'clock in the morning and Gaara, Temari and Kankuro had woke up early to open their presents! They made their way down stairs and found Baki's corpse laying next to the chimney with the poker buried in his heart.
"Eh, Baki's dead....." said Gaara going to the Christmas tree to get his presents.
"Ah well, sucks to be him." said Temari. When she got to the tree she found something strange. The presents looked kinda like body-bags with corpses in them!!
"What the hell?" said Kankuro looking at his present. He then tore the wrapping paper off to reveal........... a life sized Grinch robot!! "Wow cool!" he exclaimed.
Temari opened her present to find a Frosty the Snow Man robot. Gaara got a Santa Clause robot.
"What the hell is this retarded shit!?" shouted Gaara in anger. "Where the hell is the Tickle Me O.J. doll I wanted!?" He smacked the Santa robot in frustration.
"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!" laughed the Santa robot moving around in a weird manner.
"Cool these things can talk?" said Kankuro standing up the Grinch robot.
"I'm going to steal your family jewels ha ha!" sneered the Grinch grabbing Kankuro by the balls.
"Aghhg what the fuck!" cursed Kankuro kicking the Grinch to the floor.
"I can't believe I woke up early for this shit, I'm going back to bed." said Temari throwing her Frosty across the room.
"Eh, me too." said Gaara, following Temari back upstairs. Kankuro soon followed.
Once the Sand Trio were gone the Santa robot stood up!
"The coast is clear, lets get on with our mission!" said Santa.
"Alright, lets do this." said Frosty standing up as well.
The Grinch was busy trying to steal some of the balls off the Christmas tree because he was a cleptomaniac.....
"Leave that along Grinch! We have a job to do!" shouted Santa.
"Ok, ok...." said the Grinch, stuffing several balls into his pants.
The robots then hopped up stairs and headed for the bed rooms. They're legs weren't automated so they couldn't walk normally.
"I got the hot bitch." said Frosty heading for Temari's room.
"Grinch you take the scary guy with the red hair." said Santa.
"No fucking way, you take him!" said the Grinch.
"Shut up and do as I say!" shouted Santa, bitch smacking the Grinch.
"Jeez, there is no need for violence...." said the Grinch heading for Gaara's room. Santa went to Kankuro's room.....
Frosty gently opened the door to Temari's room and sneaked in, closing the door behind him. An evil smile came to his face as he quietly hopped to over to her bed.
"Man she's pretty hot, I'd rape her if I had a penis." he thought, then he got a great idea! Frosty took off his carrot nose and stuck it onto his crotch area. "Heheh, cool...." he thought as he climbed up onto the bed and positioned himself over Temari. As we was pulling back the covers suddenly Temari's eye's snapped open..... "Oh shit...." said Frosty.
"You fucking bastard!!" shouted Temari beating the shit out of Frosty and throwing him into the wall.
"Oh please don't hurt me, I was only joking!!" begged Frosty, getting scared as hell. He would have pissed himself if he had a bladder.
Temari walked over to Frosty with an evil look in her eyes, cracking he knuckles. "I think I have a good punishment for you heheh," she chuckled.
Gaara walked out of his room dragging what was left of the Grinch, its robot parts hanging all out. He met Kankuro in the hallway.
"I take it your robot tried to kill you too." said Gaara.
"Yeah man it was crazy." said Kankuro.
Gaara happened to look in Kankuro's room and saw a dead body laying there with no skin.
"Who the hell is that?" asked Gaara.
"Uh, just some guy......" said Kankuro nervously.
"And where are the remains of the Grinch robot?" asked Gaara suspiciously.
"Well you see......" began Kankuro but he was cut off by Gaara doubling over in pain. "You ok man?"
"Ughgh..... no." grunted Gaara in pain. "That damn tofu and fruit cake I ate last night is coming back on me......" he quickly ran off to the bathroom holding his ass.
"Whew, that was a close one." said Kankuro rubbing his head. He then hopped down stairs.
Meanwhile in the Baki's bondage chamber in the basement Temari was interrogating Frosty.
"So you still don't want to tell me who sent you?" asked Temari cruelly.
"I..... will never...... talk...." said Frosty, trying to bear the pain of having his carrot chained up and bend backwards under his crotch.
Temari cranked the chain a few more notches, bending back Frosty's carrot even further. Frosty screamed in pain.
"I think I'm being to gentle with you....." said Temari walking over to a small cage in the room. "I know what will make you talk." She opened the cage taking out a white rabbit. "He looks mighty hungry doesn't he..." said Temari with a twisted grin.
The rabbit saw Frosty's carrot and started foaming at the mouth with excitement....
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" shouted Frosty in horror.
Meanwhile in the bathroom Gaara was knowing a pain like no other as he sat on the toilet.
"Ughhhhhhhhhhh, goddammit its stuck!!!" shouted Gaara in pain. "Come on Shukaku give me a hand here!"
After several minutes of straining like hell Gaara made some progress.
"One..... final........ push......uuuuggggghhhhaaaaaaa!!!" he screamed in pain. It was almost like he was giving birth out his ass.
Splash!!!
"Oh jeez that hurt." breathed Gaara with a sigh of relief standing and pulling up his pants. He then began to reach for the toilet handle to flush.....
"Hold on a minute!" came a voice from the toilet bowl.
"What the hell....." muttered Gaara looking into the toilet to see a piece of crap with arms, a face and a Santa hat.
"Howdy ho!" said the turd. "I'm Mr. Hanky the Christmas poot!"
"Hold on a minute...... I haven't eaten any shrooms lately, what's going on here?" said Gaara in confusion.
"I'm here to help you save Christmas!" said Mr. Hanky cheerfully.
"Oh man I'm tripping bad......" sighed Gaara reaching for the toilet handle again.
"No wait!" shouted Mr. Hanky but it was too late!
Flush!!
Luckily Mr. Hanky managed to hop out of the toilet in time.
"Shit, don't scare me like that again!" cursed Mr. Hanky. "Now lets go save Christmas from the evil robots!"
"Uh, ok......" said Gaara, not sure what else to do.
Just then Temari came back up stairs.
"Its not the evil robots we have to worry about, apparently Santa is kidnapping little boys from around the world." she said throwing a disabled Frosty on the ground.
"Really? I guess I had my information mixed up....." said Mr. Hanky. "Well anyway lets get going. I'll use my poo magic to teleport us to the north pole!"
It wasn't long until Gaara, Temari and Kankuro were all at the North Pole in-front of Santa's fortress. Just then nearly a hundred elves charged out and attacked them. However, they were no match for the Sand Trio and a raging poot. They fought their way to Santa's inner sanctum and found the fat-ass sitting on his throne, surrounded by little boys wearing nothing but diapers and a mountain of presents behind him.
"Santa what wrong with you! Why are you kidnapping little boys?" asked Mr. Hanky.
"Well you see......." began Santa but he was cut off by a poof of white smoke appearing next to him.
"Me and St. Nick here are partners in crime, kukukukukukukukukuk." laughed Orochimaru as the smoke cleared.
"Aw great, not you again......" sighed Temari.
"I see my robots didn't finish you off, oh well I guess I will have to do it myself." said Orochimaru rubbing Santa's tummy playfully.
"Don't touch me you pervert!" shouted Santa standing up and getting away from Orochimaru.
Orochimaru attacked the Sand Siblings and it was a vicious battle. Santa watched with a sad look in his eyes. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, this wasn't the Christmas spirit. He pickedup a present an looked at it. It was for a kid named Bobby Drake. Heopened the present to reveal a Tickle Me O.J. doll. He tickled it a few times.
"Die, bitch, die!" shouted the doll, making a stabbing motion with the knife in its right hand.
A single tear fell fromSanta's eye, hitting the ground. This was the true sprite of Christmas. This is what he had lost.....
"Hey Santa whats the matter!?!?" shouted Mr. Hanky smacking him on the arm.
"Ahggh fuck you scared me!" shouted Santa, startled by Mr. Hanky. "I was trying to have a dramatic moment you fucking piece of shit!!"
"I already know I'm a piece of shit whats your point?" said Mr. Hanky. "Why are you kidnapping little boys? Thats not like you. You usually just fuck house wives."
"Orochimaru made me do it." said Santa, a few tears coming to his eyes. "He captured Rudolph and threatened to rape him if I didn't do as he said."
"So thats it." said Mr. Hanky. "You know what you did was wrong Santa. But you can make up for it......"
"B-but how?" said Santa.
Mr. Hanky handed Santa a present. "Merry Christmas." he said with a smile.
Santa opened the present to find a .454 Casull Taurus Raging Bull revolver. Nearly twice as powerful as magnum, it was the most powerful handgun in the world. Santa was speechless for a moment, a torrent of emotions running through his heart as he held the gun.
"Its fully loaded Santa. You know what to do." said Mr. Hanky dead serious.
"Right." said Santa raising the gun.
Bang!!
"Aghghg fuck!! You shot me you fucking idiot!!" shouted Orochimaru clutching a bloody hole in his chest.
Santa just glared at him and fired again, and again, and again. Orochimaru knew he was going to die after his cock and balls got shot off so he threw a kunai at Santa with the last of his strength. It was heading straight for his heart!
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Mr. Hanky, his voice going in slow motion as he leaped to intercept the kunai. It hit him dead on in the face, tearing half his poo head off. His body fell limp to the ground.
"Mr. Hanky?....... Mr. Hanky............ nooooooooooooooooooooo!" shouted Santa cradling the dead turd's corpse in his arms. "Why? Why did it have to come to this? If I had known that my friend would die I would never have turned down the path of evil......" sobbed Santa, poo stains getting all over his coat.
"Ha ha, thats what you get for betraying me." coughed Orochimaru laying in a pool of his own blood. "Also guess what? I raped Rudolph a total of 56.4 times ha ha ha!"
Just then Gaara walked over to Orochimaru.
"Your perverted ways end here." said Gaara stepping on Orochimaru's head, crushing it and killing him forever.
"Wow that was a tough battle." said Kankuro hopping over to where Gaara was.
"So are you going to be ok now Santa?" asked Temari going over to him.
"Yeah...... I'll be fine. I'll have a huge monument erected in honor of Mr. Hanky." said Santa still sobbing.
Temari got a sad look in her eyes for a moment and knelt down next to Santa.
"Hey listen, the cycle of poo is infinite. I'm sure Mr. Hanky will be back someday." she said laying a hand on his shoulder.
"Really?" said Santa with a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
"Sure. He may even be born from your ass next time." said Temari with a happy grin.
"Y-you're right." said Santa with a smile. He then turned to Mr. Hanky's corpse. "My friend, I'll wait for you, even if it takes all of eternity." he said, leaning down to kiss Mr. Hanky's forehead. "Ugggguuhhhahhhhaaaa, crap! What the hell was I thinking!? Kissing a turd, damn!" said Santa spitting furiously and tossing Mr. Hanky's corpse across the room.
Just then one of the presents behind Santa stood up and ripped out of its wrapping paper. It was the bear robot!! Freddy Krueger like claws came out of its hand and it ripped into the jolly fat man from behind.
"Ha ha, guess you overlooked me fat-ass!" said the bear as Santa fell to the ground in a pool of his own blood.
Dai Kamaitachi!!
Temari's wind attack hit the robot, tearing him to pieces and flinging his robot parts all over the place. She looked down and saw that Santa was dieing.
"Please, deliver all the little boys back to their rightful homes, this is my last request....." gasped Santa, choking on his own blood.
"Alright Santa." said Temari. "You can count on me."
Then Santa died. Unfortunately many other presents began to tear out of their wrapping paper, revealing an army of robots.
"Shit!" cured Gaara, seeing that they were surrounded.
Just as the Sand Siblings were about to fight for their life, the main door burst open and Hitler and an army of reindeer stormed in, shooting the hell out of the robots with AK-47s.
"Looks like that takes care of that." said Hitler. "You guys take these kids back to their homes and we'll clean up here."
"Hey I'll stay behind and help too." said Kankuro.
"Well whatever, lets go Gaara." said Temari heading outside to Santa's sleigh.
"Hey, shouldn't we load up all the little boys?" asked Gaara once they got out to it.
"Fuck no. I was lying when I said I'd take the kids home." said Temari. "What a pain in the ass that would be."
"You know, sometimes I really do look up to you as an older sister." said Gaara with a smile, getting into the Christmas spirit.
"And you're not so bad for a little brother, considering your a homicidal maniac and all." said Temari returning his smile.
They got into the sleigh and took off, Gaara took care of whipping the reindeer while Temari took care of the steering.
Meanwhile back at Santa's fortress Kankuro was talking to Hitler.
"Damn that was a pain." said Kankuro.
"Whatever, we rule the North Pole now that Santa is out of the way." said Hitler.
"Meh, now what the hell should we do with all these kids......." said Kankuro ripping off his skin to reveal that he was actually the Santa robot in disguise the whole time!
"Just throw them into the meat grinder, we can turn them into rations for our troops when our Fourth Reich begins its conquest." said Hitler.
Meanwhile Rudolph woke up in a pitch black dungeon.....
"Aghhggghhh, where the hell am I?" he said. "And why the hell is my bung hole so sore........."
The End. Merry Christmas!!