A/N: Hello, everyone! I am back, with a new long-term (hopefully consistent, although that is not usually the case) story! I'll try to be as consistent as I can. I will need to be, if I am to finish Nanowrimo. :) Maybe I can get to 10 000 words this long weekend? That oughta be pretty well into the story. :)
Content Warning: Will be dealing with PTSD. I have no direct experience with it, but I do have a high-functioning anxiety disorder as well as depression so I'll do my best. There will also be some violence, most likely.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of Tolkien's characters or any adaptations of them. I only own my Original Characters.
Anywho, let us begin!
Day 378. 'Bad' day number 378, to be precise. Another notch into the space under his writing desk. By now, Kili was quite convinced he was the unluckiest of the Durin line to ever live. Not only was he the one to have been closest to die the most times, but he also seemed to be the one to have recovered the least.
Thorin and Fili seemed perfectly fine. Always the same, working, busy-bodies. Thorin, especially, was ever ridiculously cheerful, now that his coronation was coming up. Well, 'cheerful' for Thorin was the same as 'upset' for Bofur. But it was still 'happier' than he had ever seemed to be in the past well… most of his life. It was rather off-putting, if Kili was to be honest.
But Thorin seemed to care more about the outcome of the feast and the care of foreign dignitaries and his own people rather than the actual ceremony himself. Rather than focusing on the nobility and greatness of having a kingdom, he would see people as creating the goodness of life. Rumor had it that a certain Royal Burglar had ultimately influenced his outlook on life. Of course, a near-death experience would do that too.
And meanwhile, Kili was stuck battling nightmares and sudden irritable fits of nerves.
Maybe he was truly unlucky.
Or maybe the gods just hated him. He had to be the collection of all the frustrations and shortcomings of all the Valar packed into one miserable person.
Third most valiant dwarf in all of Erebor? What a laugh. He could think of dwarflings braver than he- the ones who laughed in the face of adversity. Not the ones who shook from terror in peaceful times.
Lost in thought, Kili stared at the patch of wall above his desk. The green marble seemed to almost stare back at him with contempt. The sparkling strands of gold ran through it like veins of purely dwarvish life. They looked like rippling streams of impish laughter, brutally teasing him for his lack of vitality. Kili buried his face in his hands with a groan, as to hide himself from the mockery his own mind made of him. But almost too late.
"Kili!" The call was completely recognizable as it came up to his door. "Kili!"
Fili peeked in the door at his brother on the bed, who sat up indignantly with another groan.
"Can't you give me just one moment of peace, Fili?" Kili sighed, rubbing his temples to prove a point as the elder came in and sat beside him.
"Oh, come now. I thought you were excited about greeting everyone today for the welcome party!" Fili chuckled, glancing over at the patch of wall Kili had been staring at earlier. "You staring at the wall again?"
"I was, until last night happened." Kili glared. "And no, I was not staring at the wall," he lied through his teeth.
Fili deflated and looked concerned. "Another nightmare, nadad?" He placed a gentle hand on his brother's shoulder, searching Kili's eyes for any sign of trouble.
"Just a bad night." Kili muttered. It was a half-truth. He'd had a nightmare. The same one as always. But he wasn't about to admit it to Fili. It had been over a year since the Battle of the Five Armies and to have the same nightmare over and over again was a little bit childish to Kili. "Feel like I've slept just five minutes, is all."
Fili didn't seem too convinced. "Very well, brother. Come on, get dressed. We need to get down there; people have started arriving for the Welcome feasts!" He slapped his brother on the back and ran out of the room to find their mother, Dis.
Kili laid back down on his bed and groaned again. He really didn't want to leave his room, but how would it look if he ignored the guests arriving that day? Thorin's good mood would be all but ruined… And his mother, oh, his mother. She would drag him around by the ear and force him to have a full conversation with each and every person arriving.
On sheer terror of having his mother pull him around in public shame, he got up and got dressed.
| E | R | E | B | O | R |
Blue suited Kili. It suited him very well. It highlighted his dark hair and made him look noble and powerful. When he was growing up in Ered Luin, however, the best blue they had was too subdued for him. Yet now, he could have the richest tone that existed.
Before leaving his room, he needed to take deep breaths. He stood, forehead against the door, trying to will his hands to stop shaking. Oh, if he had a breakdown in the next few days, he'd either sink into the ground, or he'd lock himself up in his room and never look at another face again. Not even his brother's.
Finally, Kili managed to compose himself enough to leave the room. He was not surprised to hear the regular silence in the Royal Dwelling Hall. There were usually only maximum about six people in the hallway at any given time. His family, and the guards. Most of the general public was expressly and strictly prohibited from entering.
"Good morning, Shandon, Toran," he greeted the brother guards who were charged with guarding mornings and evenings outside of Hall, his voice breaking almost imperceptibly.
"Good morning, My Lord," both of the guards said simultaneously, bowing their heads to him with a smile.
Kili returned to them the best fake smile he could muster. He took a breath before moving off towards the main gate to greet the coming dignitaries. Oh, Durin. If he could barely manage a greeting from two people who genuinely cared about him, he wasn't going to survive.
Before he could even stop to take another breath, he saw Fili running back up to him, breathless, grinning, but eyebrows twisted into concern.
"Kili! Brother! I was starting to worry about you, and so were mum and uncle! You've taken your sweet time coming down here," he teased.
Kili sighed and gave him another bright smile. He was more successful now, able to fool Fili better than he fooled the guards at the Hall.
"I'm a prince! Can I not be a little leisurely when I wish?" He chuckled and clasped his hands together to hide the shaking.
"Not if uncle has anything to say about it," Fili laughed, wrapping his arm around his brother's shoulders. Kili felt himself relax a little at the warm comforting touch of his brother. "Now come on. They're waiting for us." They both made their way down to the Main Gate, where the dignitaries were arriving.
First to catch Kili's eye upon arriving was the shining red hair of Dain Ironfoot, the Lord of the Iron Hills. Dain was speaking to Thorin and Dis who were standing in the exact center of the entrance hall, ready to receive the other leaders of the world. His gaze lighted upon Fili and Kili who were coming in and he immediately burst into raucous laughter. Thorin and Dis turned to see where Dain was looking, and they glanced at each other, smiling.
The large red-haired dwarf bounded over to the boys, still laughing. "Where are my two favorite princes?! There they are!" He then enveloped them both in a large hug which Kili could only describe as a hug by a smallish bear. (A large bear would be defined as Beorn the Skin-changer and Kili would possibly be terrified to pieces should that thing hug him.)
Dain was laughing even as he put the boys down. Both Fili and Kili wore exhilarated smiles, as they looked at the dwarf-lord. "How are ye, lads? Both of ye have recovered well from the Battle! Look at ye, all grown and stronger from it!"
Kili resisted scoffing. If only that were true. I think I only got weaker.
"We are very well, Lord Dain," Fili answered. "And we are both very glad to see you," he added sincerely.
Kili's throat closed, meanwhile, and he couldn't get a word out. He simply nodded and smiled, ignoring the look he got from his brother imploring him to say something. But Fili was persistent. Kili cleared his throat.
"Forgive me, I had a piece of fluff stuck in my throat. You look very well, Lord Dain," he said hoarsely.
Dain laughed, flattered, and appeared to search for something around the room. "Thorin!" he called, once he found what he was looking for.
A young dwarf turned around from talking with a group of dwarves, and an older dwarrowdam who Kili recognized as Lady Rys. The young dwarf had a head full of light brown hair like his mother, Rys, but the blue eyes of the Durin line. But Fili was persistent. Kili cleared his throat.
"Father?" he glanced to Dain, who in turn, gestured to Fili and Kili.
"These are Fili and Kili. They are yer… cousins. You've met them once before," Dain explained, looking between young Thorin and the two brothers with an enthused smile. "Do ye remember them?"
Young Thorin almost squinted at them, but he didn't, because that would have been considered rude. "Forgive me, my princes, I do not. I believe I was far too young to remember." He clasped his hands behind his back, appearing smaller. He peeked at his father out of the corner of his eye.
Fili grinned. "That is understandable, cousin. So were we." He glanced at Kili who wore the best forced smile he could muster. Fili looked back at Dain, then. "If you don't mind, my Lord Dain, we'd like our cousin to introduce us to the rest of your court."
"Of course, have at it, lads. I'll be over here with yer uncle and yer mother." Dain beamed and sauntered off to continue his conversation with Thorin and Dis, who had both been watching proudly.
The three young nobles looked at each other awkwardly for a moment before young Thorin spoke up. "I'd like to introduce you to my father's advisor and his family. They're with my mother."
Fili glanced at the both of them and then the group. "Very well, then, let's go."
Thorin led them both over to the group. There were two black haired dwarves who bowed as the princes came, a red-haired dwarf, and a young auburn haired dwarrowdam, along with Thorin's mother, Lady Rys.
The young dwarf was quick about formally introducing the dwarves. "My lords, these are Gornor, Farnar, Lord Terion, my father's advisor, Lady Maira, his daughter, and my mother, Lady Rys."
Each of the group bowed their heads and smiled at the two princes who both returned the gesture.
Fili first directed his attention to Lady Rys. "Hello, Lady Rys. You are looking very well."
Lady Rys smiled, a tight-lipped smile. She had never been fond of the Durin line, but Fili at least was being very polite to her.
"Thank you, dear. It is wonderful to see the both of you," she said, indicating Kili as well.
Thorin then gestured towards the two black haired dwarves. "These are Gornor and Farnar, some friends of my father." They both nodded their heads and smiled warmly.
"It is very good to meet you, Gornor, Farnar. Thank you very much for coming," Fili acknowledged them.
Farnar chuckled. "We are very glad to be here, my prince, to celebrate the crowning of your uncle as King Under the Mountain!"
Fili smiled. "I am glad you share this emotion. I, too, am excited for my uncle and his reign."
"And this is Lord Khorur. He is my father's head advisor and a close friend of our family," Thorin cut the introductions.
Fili's attention was directed to the red-haired dwarf. His dark blue eyes were striking and immediately caught Fili's attention. They seemed to examine him intently at first, but they then gleamed pleasantly, accepting Fili's presence.
"My prince! I must congratulate you on this momentous occasion. It is something wonderful for this kingdom to finally have a ruler in the mountain again."
A laugh. "Yes, you are right." Fili bowed his head for a brief moment, acknowledging Khorur's lofty words.
At last, Thorin waved his hand towards the young dwarrowdam who had an uncanny resemblance to Khorur. She was dressed in a rich red dress that seemed to accentuate her bright auburn tresses styled with traditional dwarven ornaments.
"This is Lady Maira, daughter of Lord Khorur, and my closest companion and friend."
Fili was immediately captivated by her grey eyes, sparkling with wit and intelligence. He bowed to kiss her hand, never looking away. "A pleasure to meet you, Lady Maira," he said, but then the last part of the introduction sunk in and his smile seemed to fade briefly. Companion?
Thorin seemed to catch on and glanced over at Fili.
"She has no suitors, currently, that she has taken an interest in," he said, ignoring Maira's pointed look at him and Khorur's raised eyebrow.
This seemed to put the shine back in Fili's grin and he rose back up to once again interact with the group.
Yet when he looked over at Kili, his stomach seized in what he could only describe as embarrassment and nerves.
Kili was staring lifelessly at a point behind Khorur's head, making no move to speak with any of the group, not even his own kin.
Fili laughed nervously, taking his brother's shoulder. "If you will excuse me, my lords and lady, I must have a word with my brother. We will be making our rounds er… presently." He nodded at them, then pushed his brother towards the entrance of the room where they came from.
"What on this green earth is wrong with you?" he demanded, voice barely above a whisper.
Kili seemed to have snapped out of it. "Nothing, I'm fine," he defended impatiently, wrenching his arms out of his brother's grip.
"Kili, for Mahal's sake, you were staring at the bloody wall! Again!" Fili glared at him.
"I was not! I was looking at Lady Maira. She's… very pretty you know," Kili tried frantically to make up an excuse. He almost succeeded in throwing Fili off; his lips quirked up in a smile as he saw his brother blush slightly.
Fili groaned in annoyance, placing his hand over Kili's brow. "You're so pale! How do you expect me to believe your never-ending excuses?" He paused for a moment. "I'm only surprised that you don't have a bloody fever!"
"Language, Fili!" came a familiar interjection. Dis had come into the hallway in search of her missing sons. "I expect better from you," she said to a contrite Fili. "What is happening here?"
"I was just making sure that Kili was alright. He seemed a bit… off. I thought he might be sick," Fili explain.
"Really, I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine," Kili tried in vain to brush off the fussing from both his mother and brother.
"For goodness' sake, you're pale as a ghost!" Dis exclaimed.
Fili looked his brother up and down and added, "He doesn't have a fever."
Dis hummed pensively. "Well, if he doesn't have a fever, then he must just be weak from lack of breakfast." Having made up her mind, she took his hand and started pulling him down to the kitchens. "Come on, ghivashith, let us get you something to eat."
Kili tried to get loose but Dis' grip was like a vise around his hand. "Mother, I swear to you, I'm fine!"
Fili seemed smug and he glanced at his brother. "I knew you weren't fine, Kili. You can't lie to me."
"You are going to get breakfast too, Fili. I am not going to let you collapse in the middle of the crowd either.
Kili smiled weakly as his brother's mouth snapped shut. And in that moment, they got to the kitchen.
| E | R | E | B | O | R |
Madness ruled the kitchen.
Dwarves and dwarrowdams scurried about, getting the brunch ready for all the dignitaries and visitors, and of course the royal family. The soft-spoken Bombur was in his element, as head of the royal kitchens. He flew about the room ordering cooks about and preparing his own parts of the meal.
"Bombur!" Dis called over the ruckus. Hardly anybody noticed, and Kili was starting to hope that maybe he didn't need to eat something and he could just skulk off without being noticed.
Several of the cooks stopped for a moment to bow to their princess and her sons. Bombur came over and bowed briefly, much to Dis' tutting: "None of that now, Bombur, you are one of our friends."
Bombur blushed and smiled. "What can I do for the three of you?" he asked, searching the faces of the three.
"My sons need a bite to eat. Kili's just about fainted." Dis explained, shoving them forward. Bombur seemed pensive then he gasped in horror.
"You're pale as a ghost, Prince Kili!" he exclaimed.
"I'm fine! I swear, I'm fine!" Kili huffed irritably, wrenching his hand out of Dis' and inching away. Ignoring him, Bombur grabbed a basket of pastries and shoved them into Fili's hands.
"Have these. We have some more than enough for breakfast," Bombur explained, looking expectantly at Fili and Kili.
"Well, Kee, you first," Fili gave his brother a pointed look when the brunet pulled back. "Bombur is being very kind in letting us eat his food meant for brunch. Come now, take something."
Kili sighed. "Fine. Thank you, Bombur." He irritably took a flaky danish and broke a small piece off of it, meekly putting it in his mouth.
Fili took a sweet bun and began to eat. "Thank you, Bombur," he said in between bites.
Bombur beamed amiably. "Of course! Any time, my princes and my lady Dis!" He nodded, taking a short bow. "I look forward to seeing the three of you at the brunch!"
"We will see you then, Bombur. Thank you for your help." Dis smiled and put her hands on her sons' shoulders.
"Yes, my lady!" he acknowledged, bowing once more and then turning around to continue managing his kitchen.
The mother and her sons turned away to go to the Royal Dwelling Hall.
| E | R | E | B | O | R |
On the way there, Dis stopped, intending to return to the main gate. She looked her sons over. Fili was still holding the bread and stared back brightly. Kili, meanwhile, seemed rather dazed as she smiled at them.
"My boys…" she hummed proudly, reaching up to stroke their faces. Kili seemed to react to her touch and gave her his best smile. "Make sure to save some room for brunch, yes?"
"Of course, mother. We will rejoin you soon," Fili replied, placing one hand on Kili's shoulder and squeezing it. He smiled as well and nodded.
Dis only smiled and turned away, her long strides carrying her back to her own brother.
Fili turned back to his brother and gave him another sweet bun. "How are you now, brother?" he questioned.
Kili shrugged, half-heartedly taking the bun. "I'm fine."
"Come now, Kili. You can't lie to me that easily," Fili sighed. "I know you're not can't convince me that you are."
A muffled groan escaped Kili's lips. "I… I didn't sleep well is all. I'm fine. I swear."
"You've managed better before on little sleep, Kili. Something is troubling you." Blue eyes searched brown, looking for any other hint of what might be wrong.
"Gods above, Fili! Why won't you believe me? I am doing what I can, as are you! I don't see anyone hovering over you like a bloody hummingbird!" Kili finally burst and he instantly regretted it, seeing the hurt flash across Fili's face. He took a deep breath, stepping back briefly. "I'm sorry, Fee… I didn't mean…"
"No, you're right… I just… I know you very well. After all. I thought maybe… you weren't alright. I was worried about you." Fili conceded quietly.
Kili thought twice about lying, especially having just hurt his brother's feelings. But his pride won over.
"I know. I'm sorry. I've just been… stressed with the coronation and all of our new responsibilities on top of that. I haven't gotten used to it yet." Kili gave his brother a half-truth, silently exhaling a sigh of relief that he didn't have to reveal his true weaknesses. "After we're through with this, I will be well again."
Fili offered him a half-smile. The pair didn't speak for a long moment as he went over and embraced his brother with one arm. "Alright, brother. If you need anything I'm here. You know that, right?" he confirmed, placing his forehead against Kili's.
"Of course. And I am here for you," Kili returned, closing his eyes, content in the brief moment of solace his brother offered.
"I love you, Kili."
"I love you too, nadadel."
A/N: Well, how's that for a first chapter?
Let me know! Leave me a follow/favorite, or if you please, a review! Any suggestions as to what to include/fix/take out are welcome. :)
Thanks for reading!
-Hobbie