Sailor Moon Versus The Irken Invasion
An Invader Zim/Sailor Moon Crossover Story by KidKourage
Well, My First Love Has Always Been Anime…
This story was born at the family breakfast table on August 3, 2002. Mike-the-Brother was complaining about how he 'doesn't see how there can be a planet that's just called "Irk." I like "Irken," that sounds okay, but just "Irk" doesn't sound right.' He says things like that sometimes, and my Purple-voice forces me to make him pay. This time, however, my own voice got to me first, and I suddenly exclaimed, out of the blue, 'Story idea! Heheh…Sailor Moon versus the Irken Invasion.' Mike said, 'Go ahead,' as if he is in charge of giving me permission to write things. He is not. But I am still writing the story. Hopefully, you will laugh as hard at it as I am laughing at the idea of it now. It is a funny idea. If you have no idea what 'Sailor Moon' is, go here! http://www.senshidreams.co.uk
Important Author Note: This story is based not on the original manga or anime versions of 'Bishoujo Senshi Seera Muun,' but on the horror of the North American dub version of 'Sailor Moon.' Thus, I've used the North American character names, even though I hate them. How in the heck do you get 'Serena' out of 'Usagi'?! Ahem. I don't own 'Sailor Moon' any more than I own 'Invader Zim' or 'JtHM,' which is not at all. I think it belongs to DIC or something. 'Seera Muun,' on the other hand, belongs heart and soul to Ms. Naoko Takeuchi, who, if I ever were to meet her, would be bowed to respectfully and then hugged until she turns as blue as Mizuno Ami-chan's hair. Thank you.
***
Well, it's just another boring day for channel surfing…oh, wow, look! I've been waiting so long for this day, and it's finally come! I can't believe it! This is the best thing that could ever happen to an anime fan like me! Oh…my…God! It's…a new episode of 'Sailor Moon!' Maybe somebody finally realized that 'Sailor Stars' is a really great season and overlooked the Starlights'…ahem…man-ness and dubbed it so everyone can watch it in English and not have to shell out cold, hard cash to get the Japanese subs like I did! Or maybe they remade 'S' without the condescension and the horrific name changes! Or…oh, wait…nooooooooooooooooooo! The DIC logo! O.O And the Nickelodeon logo! Oh, the humanity! What could be worse than…well, I'll let you decide for yourselves. Watch it with me…and prepare to run screaming.
***
Episode 1—A New Enemy!
(Cheesy music that sounds like it's being played on a Piano-saurus)
Sailor Moon (voice over): On today's episode of 'Sailor Moon,' Raye detects a mysterious new enemy…
(We see Raye, dressed Shinto priestess-style, seated in front of her divining fire, chanting. We can't hear the chanting, however, because this is just a before-the-episode summary.)
Sailor Moon: …and Rini returns to the twentienth century for about the millionth time!
(We see the Pink Pigtailed Terror, otherwise known as Rini, skipping along down the street like the cute little monster she is.)
Sailor Moon (sounding all surprised): But who's Rini's new friend at skool?! *gasp!*
(Rini drops her Luna-ball and stoops to pick it up. A shadow falls over her, and the camera pans upward to reveal…well, a shadowy figure, which grins kind of scarily. We can't see its face, because it's being kept a secret for later.)
Sailor Moon: Can it be that he's the enemy?! You just stay right there…
(Sailor Moon appears on screen, doing her usual 'I'll punish you' pose with her index and pinky fingers pointing at the audience—a gesture that means 'I love you' in American Sign Language, by the way)
Sailor Moon: *giggle* And I'll show you!
(We are now treated to the 'Sailor Moon' Theme Song. I encourage everyone out there who has seen 'Sailor Moon' to please search as hard as you can online to find an mp3 of the original theme song, 'Moonlight Densetsu.' You will be pleasantly surprised to find that the tune is much less annoying when it's being sung properly and when the lyrics don't consist almost entirely of 'She is the one named…Sailor Moon!')
(The episode begins, and we see Raye, dressed Shinto priestess-style, seated in front of her divining fire, chanting. Wait…didn't we just see that? Looks like the summary gave away a good bit of the plot! Oopsie! You are forgiving because the show is so cute, though, aren't you? You love it and will watch more, however repetitive it is.)
Raye (spooky chant): I am flame, flame is light. I am fire, fire is sight…o, mystical fire, show me the meaning behind the strange dream I had last night. You are pretty sacred to my religion and all, but please act as a fortune-teller for me because I can't figure things out on my own, even though I am a spooky priestess girl and all! (she throws some black powder into the fire) Now! Show me!
(The fire flares up, and a very blurry image appears within the flame. It might be a face…then again, it might be a completely indistinguishable blob.)
Raye (practically falling over backwards): *gasp!* Just as I thought! A new enemy! I'd better tell the others so we can sit around and talk about Serena's latest trouble with Darien instead of making a plan to stop bad things from happening! (she stands up and looks over her shoulder, then whirls around and strikes a martial-arts pose) I know you're there, whoever you are! I have super priestess senses, you know!
Chad (stepping out of the shadows, looking rather sheepish): Um, like, sorry Raye. I was just, er, like, totally watching you do your chant-thingy. You're, like, pretty an' stuff, ya know?
Raye: Pff! Oh, Chad, you're such a doofus…(she sweeps past him, tossing her hair so it hits the long-haired, scruffy former rock star right in the face)…I just don't have time to talk to you right now, even though you're the only man on Earth who cares enough about me that someday you'll very nearly sacrifice yourself to save my life! I've got to get to…the—
(Suddenly, there was a pointless cut made by DIC to confuse everyone and make the episode short enough to fit three commercial breaks in! Yaaaaaay! Now, after watching ads for Coco Puffs, Band-Aids, and various TV shows that are airing in syndication on this channel, we have completely forgotten what's going on in 'Sailor Moon!' But that's okay, because it's not like the show follows a logical progression of events anyway! Meanwhile, back at the Crown Fruit Parlor…)
Serena (stirring her iced green tea): So then he says, 'You're in high skool now, for crying out loud! You should start acting your age!' You don't think he's fallen out of love with me, do you?
Lita (seated across from Serena, eating a huge chocolate parfait): No way! You two were totally meant to be! It's destiny!
Mina (dreamily): *sigh* Wish I had a boyfriend…or two…
Amy (looking up from her calculus textbook): Perhaps Darien meant that you should try to study more and not pig out on nachos and fall asleep on his couch so often, Serena. You're a Princess—he wants you to be regal, as befits your station.
Serena: Duhhhhh…what mean 'befits?' (she snaps out of her stupor) Oh, Amy, you're so mean! (her eyes fill with tears) Waaaaaaaaaah! (she does the 'giant floods of tears' anime thing)
Raye (looking quite annoyed): Grrr…Serena…(she raises her open hand and swings it toward Serena's face, and a time hiccup happens so we don't see it connect—slapping people is very mean and seeing cartoon characters do it might corrupt the youth)
Serena (holding her face though she wasn't slapped that we could see): Owie…*sniff*…Raye, you're meaner than Ami—I mean Amy.
Raye: But we should really be talking about the new enemy I saw in the fire this morning!
Mina: *gasp!* You saw a new enemy?!
Raye: Yes…that's what I said. A new enemy.
Lita: A new enemy?!?!
Raye: A new enemy!
Amy: And just as our lives were getting back to normal after the last enemy…now I'm gonna have to quit Computer Club again so I can be a Sailor Scout even though I'm smart enough to run NASA…
Serena: So…a new enemy?
Raye: Yes!
Serena: But who is it?
Raye: That's what I'm trying to tell you! My dream told me that…Rini would be in danger…from—
Serena: Oh, Raye, you've been staring at the fire too long! You know Rini's back in the thirtieth century with…future-me and…*sigh*…that total babe future-Darien…
Mina: *sigh* Wish I had a future-husband…or two…
Amy: Yes, it's quite impossible that Rini could be in any kind of trouble within this timeline, since she's very far in the future…now…
(She trails off as a puff of cotton-candy pink smoke materializes in the middle of the diner. No one else notices, because everyone else in the restaurant is just unmoving, flat background. The smoke dissipates, to reveal a little girl with pigtails as pink as bubblegum and a floating black sphere decorated with a very creepy cat face.)
Rini: Hi guys! Guess what? Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm back!
Lita: Again?!
Rini: Yup! ^_^ I'm back to play with all of you some more cuz my mommy doesn't have any time for me on account of she's Queen of the Universe and stuff! So she sent me here to 'get me out of her hair.' I wonder what that means cuz I wasn't in her hair I was in her jewelry box stealing her Imperium Silver Crystal again even though last time I did I disrupted the space-time continuum, but—
Serena: Yaaaaaaaaay! Rini's back! I'm always annoyed by her and complain a lot when she's here, but I'm happy to see her now! Wheeee!
Rini: u.u Serena, you're so airheaded…
Serena: Why you little! (she reaches across Amy's lap to try to strangle Rini, but, being clumsy, falls on her face to the floor) Owie…
Raye (thinking mysterious thoughts): So Rini's back in our time…we have to make sure she stays safe…and away from that kid with the—
(Wouldn't you know it? It's time for another commercial break! Isn't DIC wonderful, cutting out all those unnecessary plot points that would give some semblance of reason to the storyline so we don't have to worry about them? This time there's an ad for Lucky Charms, one for Children's Motrin, one for the amazing fun of Super Soaker 3 Million, and one for Pull-ups Training Pants. We now return you to the next scene of 'Sailor Moon,' already in progress.)
Rini (skipping along down the street, singing remarkably off-key): La la laaaaaaa! I'm so happy to be back in the twentieth century, aren't you, Luna-P?
Luna P (the cat-orb): Beep beep beeeep…
Rini: Yeah! We should hurry and get to skool so we can meet new friends and stuff and be all normal and not have to be a princess all the time and stuff! (she seizes Luna P from the air and starts bouncing it like a basketball as she continues to skip) Laaaaaa! La la la la laaaaa—oof!
(Rini, in her zeal to go to skool, has collided with a mailbox. Luna-P goes flying, and Rini chases it to pick it up. As she leans down to retrieve the toy, she falls over again—she has inherited her mother Serena's clumsy gene, that's for sure. Just then, a shadow falls over her in exactly the same way it did in the opening summary! She looks up, and the shadowy figure grins and extends a hand to help her up. Because she is so cute and therefore completely unwary of strangers, Rini accepts the aide, and soon finds herself continuing her walk to skool beside a rather odd-looking young man with green skin, violet-blue eyes, and black hair shaped into a pompadour style.)
Rini: So you're starting skool today too…what was your name, again?
Zim: Zim. My name is Zim. (under his breath) For the twentieth time…gods these humans are mindless…
Rini: Hmmm? What'd you say? Was it crucial evidence that you might not be what you seem?
Zim: O.o What?! No! I am exactly what you think I am—a perfectly normal human worm baby just like you.
Rini: Oh, goodie! A friend! It's good cuz we're both gonna be the new kid at skool—we should watch out for each other! Wanna come over to my house after skool so you can accidentally discover Sailor Moon's true identity?
Zim: Eh? 'Sailor Moon?' What is this…'Sailor Moon' you speak of, pink human girl?
Rini: You don't know about Sailor Moon? Wow, what planet are you from?
Zim: Irk—I mean Earth! I'm from Earth, of course! That's where I come from, all right! (muttering) Two minutes in this human's presence and already my amazing brain-power is lessening…I must be careful around this one—perhaps she has mind-melting abilities and is using them to discover my seeecreeeets…
Rini: You talk to yourself a whole lot, Zim! *giggle* Anyway, Sailor Moon is the mighty Champion of Justice around here. She always fights off all the bad guys who try to take over the world and stuff! She rocks!
Zim: Egad! The humans already have a defense in place! Well, we'll see about this! (he points imperiously at Rini) You! Rini-girl! Tell me more about this Sailor Moon…does she have any weaknesses?
Rini (completely ignoring Zim's outburst): Whoa, yeah. She's clumsy, and a crybaby, and not very smart, and she's only a teenage girl, really.
Zim: Only a girl, eh? Interesting…
Rini: But she's really strong when she has to be. She always does all she can to save the Earth using her Moon Wand and the Imperium Silver Crystal and the power of her love and…
Zim (acting very, very interested in this): Yes, yes, and? Please, go on! This is fascinating! (thinking) This pink monkey-child is useful…she'll tell me all I need to know about Sailor Moon, and then I'll have all the data I need to defeat her and conquer this miserable dirt-rock for the Irken Empire! (he forgets to keep his thoughts to himself and starts laughing maniacally just as the two reach the skoolyard) Muhahahahaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaahahahahaha!
Rini: o.ô You're funny, Zim. *giggle* Now let's go in and meet everybody! Skool is educational! And it can be fun when you have a friend! (she grabs Zim's hand to drag him inside the building)
Zim (grinning evilly—though she doesn't notice): Yes. It certainly will be educational to have you for a…friend, Rini-girl. (he looks down at his hand, which is being crushed by Rini's friendship, scowls, and rips it away from her) But don't touch me. Ugh…monkey-germs…
Rini: Okie dokie! ^_^
(The third commercial break of the day is inserted, miraculously not cutting anything off. It features a series of barely distinguishable ads for different life insurance plans. You didn't need to know that. Afterwards, the show starts up again, and the scene is now Serena's house. All of Serena's friends are present, enjoying Mrs. Serena's Mom's world-famous cake, which must be able to regenerate itself because it's always there and always looks exactly the same.)
Lita: Mmmmm, cake! Sometime I've gotta get your mom's recipe, Serena!
Serena: Aw, you don't need it, Lita! You can cook really good all on your own!
Lita: *blush*
Luna the Talking Wonder Cat (in that snooty fake Brit accent): Ai'm just not sure you gahls are giving enough attention to the new threat at hahnd.
Artemis the Other Talking Wonder Cat: Yeah! How does sitting around and eating cake get you any closer to finding out who the enemy is?
Mina: Oh, Artemis, you worry too much, boy!
Artemis the Other Talking Wonder Cat (grumbling): 'Boy?' 'M not a dog…
Mina: You know Amy's gonna get all the data we need to find the enemy headquarters even though we know absolutely nothing about who the enemy is or what they look like or even what their intention is!
Amy (looking up from her laptop): Yes, I get good grades in school (notice how she says it right) and know about computers and therefore I'm always able to solve any problem.
Serena (slapping Amy on the back): That's why we keep you around, Amy! Ahahahahaha!
Luna the Talking Wonder Cat (sarcasm? On a kids' show?): Aeow, very graceful, Serenah…
Artemis the Other Talking Wonder Cat: Graceful? Um, Luna? She didn't do anything clumsy.
Luna the Talking Wonder Cat: Oh, right. Um….very…
Artemis the Other Talking Wonder Cat: Eloquent? Appropriate? Tactful?
Luna the Talking Wonder Cat: That's the one. (assuming her previous sarcastic tone) Very tactful, Serenah…
Serena: Yay! My cat's smarter than me! More cake, everyone?
Mina: I wish I had a cake…
Lita: o.ô You do.
Mina: Oh, right. So…enemy? Amy, how're you coming along with that data?
Amy: Well, I'm not exactly sure, but…
Raye (finally exploding): Hel-lo! I'm the only one here who has any idea what's going on! I'm the one who had the mystical dreams and got the fire-reading! Why don't you just listen to me?!
Mina (pointing at Amy): Cuz she's the one with the laptop.
(Raye falls over sideways, her body completely stiff as per anime convention. Everyone else sweatdrops. You laugh, because it is funny.)
Amy: As I was saying, I've done some energy readings of the area, and it seems like quite a lot of energy is being used by this one house just a few streets over.
Mina (gleefully): And I'll bet the house wasn't there before, was it?
Amy: How…how did you know?
Mina: Cuz I'm smart. ^.^
Artemis the Other Talking Wonder Cat (under his breath): And things always go like that.
Mina: Grrrr…(she bonks Artemis on the head, but the actual impact is blocked by huge yellow and pink stars so as not to corrupt the youth) ^_^
Lita: So…a mysterious house that wasn't there before and is using tons of energy, eh? Sounds like we should go over there and—
Raye: Hey! Why is it up to you to make the plan, Lita?
Lita: Oh, so you think it's your job?
Raye (snottily): Well of course. I have seniority as a Sailor Scout, after all.
Amy: Oh my…not this old fight…
Mina: Well if it's seniority that makes a leader, then I should be in charge! I was fighting crime as Sailor V ages before you four even knew you had magic powers!
Luna the Talking Wonder Cat: But ai appeared to Serenah, so that makes her the lea—
Serena (she is not listening properly): Shut up, Luna! You're always making fun of me! But when it comes right down to it, none of you meanies could do anything without me and my Moon Wand! (she stands up and strikes a heroic pose, her long pigtails streaming in an inexplicable wind) Because I'm the leader of the Sailor Scouts, Sailor Moon!
(The little tableau ends abruptly when the girls and cats hear a gasp from the doorway to the livingroom. They look over to see Rini standing in the doorway with her new chum from skool, Zim, who looks quite pleased with himself.)
Rini: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, girls! How was your day at skool?
Mina: There was skool today?
Lita: Oh well.
Serena (edging over to nudge Rini conspiratorially): So, Rini, you gonna introduce us to your new booooyfrieeeeend?
Rini (blushing): He's not my boyfriend, Serena. Shut up! (she slaps Serena across the face, but of course we don't see that)
Serena (holding her face—I wonder why…): Owchees…
Rini: This is Zim, my new best friend from skool. He's new to the neighborhood too. Zim, this is my stupid…um…sister Serena, and her friends Amy, Lita, Raye, an' Mina. Oh, and our cat Luna an' Mina's cat Artemis. They don't talk, so don't talk to them.
Zim (deep in maniacal planning): Now I know her secret identity...I will destroy them all…(he looks up and notices everyone staring) Ahem. Ahaha…yes. I am Zim, just your average skool child whom you have nothing to fear from. (he smiles 'endearingly') Well, I must be going home now. I'll see you tomorrow at skool, Rini, where we will have perfectly normal human learning fun some more.
Rini: 'kay. Byebye, Zimmy! ^_^
Zim (stalking away): Geh…stupid humans and their stupid nicknames…when this is all over she'll be the first to get blasted by my laser cannon…(he exits the house)
Raye: I got a weird vibe from that kid…
Serena: Oh, Raye, you and your 'weird vibes'…he was just a kid, obviously.
Amy (the only sane person in the room): O.O…………..did any of you notice that he didn't have any ears or nose? And he was green!
Rini: It's a skin condition. He told me.
Serena: See? Nothing weird about that!
Raye: I don't know…
Serena: So! Rini! Tell us more about your boyfriend! What's he like?
Rini: He's not my boyfriend!
Mina: Wish I had a—
Lita: Oh, would you just shut up about that?!
Mina: At least I could get a boyfriend!
Lita: What's that supposed to mean?
Serena: But you're in love with him, right? A leeettle crush? Heehee!
Rini: No! You're so brainless, Serena!
Amy: Girls! Watch out! Don't drop cake on my laptop!
Raye (thinking amidst this scene of chaos): Zim…he just moved here…and the house with all the energy just appeared too…and he's friends with Rini…that face…could he be the one from my drea—
(Now it's time for 'Sailor Moon Says!' Heheh, cut… Everybody listen up, cuz your favorite heroine is gonna impart some really important—eheh—wisdom!)
Sailor Moon (voice over again): Some people like to spend all their time studying and reading books.
(We see Amy, looking very contented as she opens a book while sitting on the beach.)
Sailor Moon: But there's so much more to life than skool!
(Serena comes up to Amy and rudely snatches her book away. Oddly enough, Amy doesn't slap her. She just smiles sheepishly.)
Sailor Venus (horning in on the voice over): That's right! I like to spend my time playing video games and participating in international volleyball tournaments!
(We see Mina, clad in a gym uniform, spiking a volleyball and then doing the 'two fingers up' victory sign.)
Sailor Jupiter: And I like to cook!
(We see Lita pulling a tray of muffins out of the oven.)
Sailor Mars: If I wasted my time worrying about English tests, I wouldn't have time to be an award-winning singer/songwriter!
(We see Raye, dressed in a preposterously frilly red dress, belting out a tune on a skool auditorium stage.)
Sailor Mercury: You guys are right! I'm missing out on so much by paying attention in skool and doing my homework!
Sailor Moon: So you see, kids, books aren't everything, and they only get in the way of fun!
(Sailor Moon appears and does a slightly different pose from before, putting the tip of her index finger to her lips and giggling.)
Sailor Moon: ^.^ Sailor Moon Says! Heeheehee!
***
Wow…I had no idea that DIC and Nickelodeon were planning something like this… I thought it would be bad, but…I'm such…a Sailor Moon fan…and such…a Zim fan…that I must watch more! Pleeeeeeeeeeease! Give me more! I need another new episode! Don't make me spend months and months in suspense like the people who make 'Dragon Ball Z' are doing! I neeeeeeeeeeeeed mooooooooooooore! Eeeeeeeeeeek! Stay tuned? There will be more? O.O Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I think the fusion is melting my brain but it makes me smile! Wheeeee!
***
And thus concludes Episode 1 of 'Sailor Moon Versus the Irken Invasion.' You are all on the edges of your seats, no? Heheheheheheh….
You Just Wait, Earthlings…Doom Is On Its Way…