Hey, I just dug up this old relic, and figured I'd put it up. I wrote this at age 13 and would kill myself if I thought I had not improved.

Oh, yeah! the disclaimer. I don't own any of these characters. Exept Janie. And the police officers. Exept for Zack, he was driving the car that arrested Tony. Other than that, they belong to NBC. Also, If they decide to arrest or fine me, It would do them no good, because I would have the gratification of knowing that they noticed me, their humble servant.

Tricks of the Trade
Hiiiiii, hiiiiiii, hiiiii, awroooooooooo! Awrooooo! Wolf howled in his sleep. Virginia rolled over and slugged him
"Wake up. C'mon, this is the 8th time tonight!" she growled.
"Sorry, sorry, I'm just exited."
"Don't be. It's only Wednesday, and we're not leaving until Friday, so we'll be in the mountains for the full moon."
"So only……3 more days!"
"Whatever," she muttered, rolling back over. "One more sound, and you're on the couch for the night."
Ten minutes later
"Wolf, wake up! C'mon!" Wolf awoke to find himself halfway under the bed.
"There was a rabbit…" he whined, but Virginia just glared. "I know, I know, the couch." There was no reasoning with Virginia when she was tired. He trudged off to the living room.
The next day
Ring, ring! Ring RING! Wolf glared at the phone. He hated it. That and the television. It was unnerving to talk to someone you couldn't smell. Unfortunatly, Virginia had given him the job of phone answerer. He scared the telemarketers to death. In fact, sometimes she listened, just to laugh. He didn't mind. Anything for Virginia. He picked up the phone.
"Hello, is Mr. or Mrs., uh, Wolfson there?"
Wolf sighed. Telemarketer. He growled at the phone. The telemarketer hung up. That one wasn't very tough. He looked at the clock. He was up too early. The restaurant wouldn't even be open for another hour. He grinned. Besides Virginia, food was his next favorite thing.
Thinking of them gave him an idea. 'I'll make breakfast in bed for her!' he thought cheerfully. 'What was her favorite omelet again?' He tried to remember as he got out the eggs and pans. 'Something with mushrooms.' He decided to make a plain mushroom omelet. Into his own he put all the meat he could find. He didn't put it in until the eggs were almost done. As he had told Candy all those weeks ago, "Rare implies dangerously cooked."
He flipped them onto a plate, and entered the darkened bedroom. He flicked on the lights.
" Virginia! Time to wake up!" He called. Virginia groaned. She was not a morning person, a fact Wolf had a hard time getting around. Likewise, she had a hard time imagining how he could stand to get up so early every morning.
"How can you be so energetic," she asked "when you have been up all night chasing 'rabbits'?"
"I don't know. Could it possibly be the wolf genes?"
"Duh! That's it. I can be so dumb sometimes." Virginia smiled
"I love you anyway."

On the way to the restaurant, they had to pass Central park. Wolf made his usual I-bet-I-can-make-it-to-the-petting-zoo-and-back-before-you-make-it-to-the-end-of-the-block race proposal, and Virginia replied with her usual OK-but-I'm-tired-to-death-and-you'll-win-hands-down agreement. Wolf tore off into the sparse trees, and Virginia started to run, too. After a second, Wolf appeared out of a thicket, and pulled her in.
" There is something very wrong today, something weird is coming around the road."
Virginia looked. She did see something coming… 'Of course! The parade!'
"You silly goose. That's a parade with floats!"
"I still don't like it."
"They are really fun to watch. Groups work really hard on one, and in the end there are hundreds of them."
"I still don't like it. The 'floats' smell funny."
"They throw out candy, sometimes."
"They still smell funny."

It was a completely unremarkable day at the restaurant named, ironically, the 11th kingdom. Wolf, thought it was marvelous. A ton of people came in after watching this 'parade,' and he didn't make a single late order. People here are so picky. Almost every order that came into the kitchen was different than what was on the menu. As a personal bonus, he managed not to sneak any bacon.
Very difficult.
He also didn't undercook anything. That took him a while to learn, because he had always undercooked anything that he had eaten. He wasn't quite used to cooking for other people yet.
Virginia didn't have quite as good a day. The table in the corner didn't leave all day, and they didn't even order anything. Not even waters. Of course, they were at one of her tables, instead of Janie's. Janie was the other waitress, a good friend of hers. She was also the only person who knew about the mirrors. Candy wasn't speaking to Virginia since she had told her that Wolf was her fiancé. Candy was still scared of him from the incident at the Grill on the Green. Not that she could be blamed.
A few minutes before closing time, Virginia approached the table.
"Pardon me, but we will be closing in…" She trailed off. The men were glaring at her. 'They sure are ugly' she thought. 'Almost like the trolls in the 3rd kingdom.' She giggled, then remembered what she had been saying.
"…about five minutes, so you might want to be leaving now." One of the men sneered, but the other two started to get up.
"What does she think she is, royalty?" one muttered under his breath.
"Pretty close, actually" She almost giggled. After all, Wendell was her step-brother.
Before they could reply, Wolf stuck his head out of the kitchen.
" Virginia!" She had forbidden him to call her succulent, or creamy, dreamy in public. It was too weird, even for him. That was saying something.
" Virginia? Could you come here? We have a, uh, mushroom problem." Virginia frowned. They had run out of mushrooms an hour ago. She knew better than to say anything She hurried into the kitchen, and shut the door.
"What is it?" Wolf scratched his eyebrow.
"Don't do near those people, Virginia. They don't smell right. It's something I smelled a long time ago, but I can't remember…" He trailed off.
"Whatever you say, Wolf. I'll stay in here with you. I've got my wolf husband to protect me." She batted her eyelashes.
"Yeah" Wolf said, distracted.
Wendell's palace, 4th Kingdom
What Wendell really wanted was to hit something. This was the most exhausting day he had ever had. Guards murdered, traveling mirror opened, and now, The mirror of truth was singing the most veiled and meaningless song ever devised.
For two loved ones now gone,
And two new ones to come,
Is trouble from the place
The father is from
Wendell paced in front of the mirror, Trying to decipher the meaningless song. Why couldn't they ever make sense when it mattered? The mirror paused, then sang a new song.
A ransom is made
A price to be paid,
but tricks can make a more
honest trade.
"Your rhyming stinks!" yelled Wendell 'How can tricks make an honest trade?' All old mirrors spoke in rhyme, and it often made the meaning unclear until the last second when you look back and think, 'Oh, that's what it meant.'
By then, it's usually too late.
You're rhyming, perhaps,
Would suck as well,
If you had my stupid
predictions to tell
Wendell just stared.

An alley behind the 11th kingdom

"Did you hear her?" Snobly asked.
"Royalty!" Henry breathed.
"Royalty starts with an R!" Pronounced Trubly.
"Just like ransom." Henry said.
The 3 brothers laughed to themselves. Henry always knew what to do. He was the oldest, and definatly the smartest.
"How do we get her?" Asked Trubly, the youngest.
"What about the baby?" asked Snobly.
"Leave it all to me." Henry said with his evilest smile.

Wolf sat straight up, awakening Virginia, asleep on the couch next to him. They had been watching an old movie, but she had fallen asleep.
"Huff, puff we have got trouble! I know that scent! Those guys in the 11th Kingdom were half TROLL!" Virginia gave him a wary look.
"Doesn't anyone in the kingdoms respect species laws? I mean we have half-wolf, half-troll, half-elf, what else?"
Wolf looked down. He knew she didn't mean it. He would have laughed, except for those trolls…
"But really, Virginia, if there's trolls in New York, that means that they had to get here through a mirror."
"What about fairy dust?"
"No. While that can travel across time, but it's limited to the 9 kingdoms."
"Do you think Wendell's OK?"
"Only one way to find out."
Wolf walked over to a large mirror on the wall.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, get me king Wendell, darn-it-all."
Somehow curse words, or semi-curse words always make it into these mirror poems. The mirror flickered, and an oddly tilted view of Wendell about to leave a room came into focus.
"Wendell! Turn around!" Yelled Virginia. Wendell turned around sharply, and then immediately started snickering.
"What? What's so funny?" Virginia put her hands on her hips, and glared at the giggling Wendell. Wolf, however, put his face in his hand and sighed.
"We're in a toilet, aren't we?"
Wendell nodded, and started giggling again. Virginia was not amused.
"Wendell, we'll meet you at the mirror in five minutes, and not a second more. We have big problems." With that, she turned from the toil- I mean, mirror, and headed for central park.
They soon found the mirror, and stepped through. Virginia felt the usual feeling of vertigo, and wondered exactly when traveling interdimensional portals had become a common affair.
As they stepped into 4th kingdom, Virginia broke out into a huge smile.
"Dad! Wendell! I've missed you guys so much!" She ran to give her father a hug. He pushed her away and stared down, his face full of horror. Virginia looked, too. She hadn't thought her pregnancy was that apparent, but by her father's face, she guessed it was.
"You…him…where…don't answer that…" Tony choked out. Then he considered the most painful way to kill Wolf. He had just decided on strangling, and was about to do so, when Wendell stepped in.
"I'm very happy for you both, but right now, we have big problems. Earlier today, someone broke into the castle, and traveled through the mirror. I have no idea why, but they killed 4 guards to do it. The fact that you contacted me tells me that you saw something. What?"
"We saw three half Trolls. That's what Wolf says."
"Definatly. Either troll, or albino squirrel. I'm ruling out the squirrel."
"Whatever. They came into the 11th kingdom, and stayed there all day."
"So what do we do?" Asked Tony
"Lie low. Keep an eye out for them, and if they come back again, send for me. I'll send my men, and we'll bring them back. Let's not forget the damage that King Relish's children did on their trip." Wendell paused, and they reminisced on that fateful night. Then he resumed.
"Remember, anytime you need something, we are all right here. Contact someone through a mirror, and you can be here in a …" He looked at Tony, who was glaring at Wolf. "Oh, yes. Jiffy. Tony has been teaching me some of your language. Interesting dialect" He glanced at Tony, who was lost in thought, his face unconsciously shooting daggers at Wolf.
"Would you like to stay here overnight? I'm sure I have enough room." Wendell spread out his arms. He had a whole castle.
"Yes" Tony said, rejoining the group. "Wendell, why don't you show Wolf his room down there…" He pointed down an eternally long hall. "…and I'll show Virginia her room down here." He pointed down other way.
"You know, Tony, You might be a little late in keeping us apart. I am deeply in love with my beautiful Virginia, and without her, my life is not worth living." He grinned, and Virginia blushed. She was enjoying this. Tony, on the other hand, remembered his strangling plan, and moved toward Wolf, who ducked behind Wendell.
"Or, I could just leave now."

The next day.
"Wolf." Tony said, with as calmly and serenely as could be expected. "Exactly why are you sleeping outside Virginia's door?"
"I couldn't sleep without my beautiful Virginia, yet you have forbidden me to enter her room. So her scent had to suffice until the morning."
"How much 'scent' could you possibly get through a door?"
"A few bites of bread will keep a starving man alive."
"I do not like you."
"Too bad, Grandpa."
"Don't call me that."
"Why not? Most people are happy when they have grandchildren."
"Not when my daughter is having a baby with a weird person with a tail." Wolf growled. It was too close to the full moon for Tony to be insulting his tail.
"Tony, it is 1 day until the full moon. Do. Not. Insult. My. Tail." Tony's long-lost feeling of self-preservation told him to leave Wolf alone for a long, long time. Just then Virginia opened the door. She was dressed like a woman from the 4th kingdom.
"Having a friendly conversation?" She asked. 'Yeah, right.' She braced herself to wrestle them apart. Fortunately, Wolf chose that moment to offer to escort her to breakfast. She looked at the watch she still wore. Wolf had bought it for her in New York. It was covered in little mirrors.
"Yeah, but we gotta hurry. The 11th kingdom opens in an hour." She replied in a disgracefully un-romantic way. He took her hand and walked with her down the long hall to the dining hall, Tony trailing behind grumbling.
Virginia knew exactly what Wolf would order, and, with a whole lot of effort, managed not to say it with him.
"One omelet, please, with all the meat you can find. Extra bacon on the side." Virginia giggled. Bacon maniac, that was Wolf. She almost had to hide it at home. Tony just stared. How can he eat all that, and still be as thin as he was? He looked at his own gut. Whatever Wolf's secret was, it was lost on Tony.
The edge of central park, New York
"Hey, Virginia, I-bet-I-can-make-it-to-the-petting-zoo-and-back-before-you-can-make-it-to-the-edge-of-the-park!"
"OK-but-I'm-tired-to-death-and-well-no-I'm-not-but-you'll-win-hands-down"
Wolf ran off, determined to win, and Virginia didn't even run. The dress she had taken from the 4th kingdom was beautiful, but not very easy to run in. She had walked less than 5 feet when she heard a strange sound in a thicket. Wolf. He was gonna lure her in, and scare her. Two can play at that game. She crept around the back of the thicket, intending to get him from behind. But when she jumped out and yelled, it wasn't Wolf she saw. It was three familiar faces, grinning maliciously at her. She yelled one more time, and then saw a pink flash. Then everything went black.
Across the park
Wolf was almost to the petting zoo when he heard a yell. He ran back, away from the petting zoo. A few seconds later, he heard another yell, longer this time. It was Virginia, he was sure of it. And she was only a dozen yards ahead of him. He ran even faster, then checked as he realized he was back at the path. He sniffed, and knew that Virginia had not made it this far. She had turned off… he backed up. He sniffed again, but Virginia's scent was lost in the sudden stink of troll.
"Aw, CRIPES!" He yelled. Then he took off after the trolls. He really wanted to howl, but instead focused that energy in tracking. Not that trolls were hard to track. Their stink could stop a wolf at twenty paces. He noticed that the trolls had stayed out of sight of the paths. That made sense when he really thought about it, but now… Virginia… gone, cub…gone…lost…
He saw the trolls on the edge of the park, stuffing an unconscious Virginia into a taxi. The driver looked amused. He obviously thought this was part of a play. He floored the gas and took off. Wolf looked at the fleeing taxi with horror. This was out of his hands. It is impossible to track a car in New York City. Who would know about… who… Janie! Wolf managed to walk the last block to the 11th Kingdom.
Janie sat on the edge of a table and dangled her legs. People were already lining up outside, waiting for the place to open. A self-important looking man pushed to the door, and knocked, clearly expecting to be let in. She gave him a helpless look. She couldn't open until Virginia and Wolf got here. A resturaunt couldn't work without a cook.
As if summoned by her thought, Wolf came up, and fumbled for his key. He only had three of them on the ring. He was trying to remember which one it was, but Janie came and opened the door for him. He pushed it closed behind him, before any of the hungry people could push through. The 11th Kingdom's food had gained quite a reputation. The fact that it was paid for with gold only helped its business.
Wolf groaned, and immediately started pacing the floor. He was babbling incoherently, much too fast for her to hear.
"Wait, wait wait, hold on. Go a lot slower. I can't understand you, Wolf."
"Y'no the guys that came in yesterday? They were real ugly? They stayed at the corner table? Well, they're part troll. And they took Virginia. My creamy, dreamy Virginia-a-a-Awooooooooo!" Wolf ended in a howl. The people on the street either cried at the sadness in it, or bustled away.
"Where did they go? Can you track them?"
"No, they got in a taxi"
"What was the number? Did you get it?" Wolf looked at her in confusion. "Ok, well, maybe not. Maybe we can-"
KNOCK, KNOCK. They both turned to look at the shabby man who had knocked on the door. The people who had come to eat were gone, leaving only him. He knocked again.
"We're closed!" Yelled Janie. He nodded and banged again. Janie frowned. She went to open the door. The man beamed up at her. He was missing several teeth.
"Some ugly dude gave me a gold coin to give you this." He thrust out a ratty piece of paper. Then he pulled out his coin, obviously not for the first time, to admire it. Wolf gave it a half glance.
"that's a gold Relish." He said sullenly. "It's foil. There's lead inside it." The man immediately stopped beaming, and examined his treasure more closely.
"you could get five bucks off a tourist for it." Wolf said, then began to decipher the words written on the paper. Neither of them noticed when the man walked back out the door.
"Wev got yur roil lady" the paper began "If yu wnt hr bak, we want 100 pownds ov gold. If we don't get it, yule nevr se hr agen. -sinci sinser cincere yurs trulee, Henry, Snobly and Trubly."
Wolf stared at the paper, reading and rereading it.
"Where are we going to get a hundred pounds of gold?" Exclaimed Janie.
"I doubt even the Murrays have that much." Sighed Wolf.
"My whole apartment building isn't even worth that!" Janie said. "We have to find out where they took her."
"Ohhhh, Huff-puff, how are we gonna do that?"

Virginia awoke as quickly as she had fallen asleep. Three ugly faces loomed down at her. This seemed familiar, somehow.
"looky-look!"
"She's awake!"
"Shut up, Trubly, we can see."
"Will both of you just shut up?" This last voice seemed somehow sinister. Its owner stepped forward. "I am Henry the troll, and these are my brothers, Snobly, and Trubly. We will be your captors this week." He giggled like this was the funniest joke he had ever heard. Virginia groaned. At least there were no Iron shoes, here.
"We know you are royalty" Said Snobly "But of which country? France? Germany? Canada?"
Virginia sighed. "I'm not really royalty" She lied. "My, uh, aunt is a, uh, movie star. She's as rich as royalty. That's what I meant." The three trolls looked at each other.
"Oh"
"Oh"
"Boy oh boy did we make a boo-boo."
"Shut up Trubly."
"We had better lower the ransom then."

"Some ugly guy gave me a gold coin to give you this." Wolf sighed. Janie took the paper.
"sory for the mixup. Ransum now 25 pownds. Owr sinseer apologees, Trubly, Henry and Snobly."
"The coin they gave you is full of lead." Wolf said sullenly, ruining the second gold-induced euphoria of the day. He was obviously depressed.
"But" said Janie," We will give you a REAL twenty-dollar bill if you can take us to the place the ugly guy gave you this note."
"Deal" The man trudged off without another word.

"Well, this is no help." Said Wolf. He looked around. They were at the intersection of 81st and 4th.
"Ah don't really care. This is where Ah got that scrap of paper. That'll be $20. Hand it over." Janie handed him the money, and he walked off.
Wolf looked around. Not much going on. Smells of food wafted out from the assorted restaurants and cafes. There was no longer any smell of troll. A man came by with his dog. An old woman in a moo-moo tried to hail a cab, in vain. The dog began to bark furiously at Wolf. To his credit, he tried hard not to growl back. However, the dog was just too annoying. He growled menacingly, and the dog stopped barking and put it's tail between it's legs. It's master glared at Wolf, and stalked off.
"C'mon. Let's look around." Janie said. Wolf was about to follow her when he heard Virginia.
"Wolf!" she whispered loudly. "Wolf, down here!" He looked down. The familiar mirror-water contact face had appeared in a yellowish puddle near the light-post.
" Virginia! Are you OK? Do you know where you are?"
"Yeah, I'm OK. I'm on the top floor of a building. I'm across from a place called 'The Happy Cow.' I gotta go, they're coming back!" The face disappeared. Wolf turned to Janie.
"The Happy Cow. Know anything about it?"
"A little. It's one of those vegetarian places." Wolf made a face.
"So I've never been there. How do we find it?"
"We've got to find a pay phone."
"Why?
"Telephone book."
"Oh. Yeah."
Telephone booths were surprisingly hard to find. At least, booths with telephone books that hadn't been destroyed, or stolen. When they finally found one, it was already occupied. Wolf glanced at his watch. It was 2:00. This extremely talkative woman had three minutes to shut up, and then he was gonna kill something. He was sure of it. He banged on the glass. The woman stopped talking about how awful Juliet's Thanksgiving turkey ad tasted last year. She opened the door and frowned at Wolf.
"Waddya want?"
"I need to use the pay phone."
"Too bad. It's occupied."
"It's an emergency."
"Well, that's just too bad, now isn't it?" The woman turned to continue her conversation, but immediately turned back. She had seen something she shouldn't have. Wolf's eyes burned a deep green. He squeezed them shut, and they returned to normal. He opened them. The booth was empty. The phone simply hung from the box. It buzzed annoyingly, and he put it back on the hook.
There were three listings for the Happy Cow. Wolf took two, and Janie took the third. After an hour, Janie had eliminated a bank, across form hers, and Wolf had decided that it wasn't a school. When the met up at the third Happy Cow, both agreed that the condemned building was probably the most likely hiding spot.

The way a newly-informed Wendell saw it, they had about twenty minutes to pay the ransom, and get Virginia back to the 4th kingdom. Any later, and even the stupidest troll could figure out that something was up. Not much time at all. His blacksmith gently laid the last gold bar on the pile. Then he nailed the box shut, using quite a few more nails than were really necessary. Wolf grabbed the handles on one end and Janie grabbed the other end. Twenty-five pounds of gold was really heavy. They labored through the mirror and down the street. Six blocks suddenly seemed like a very long trek.

The three trolls were just sitting around arguing about how to spend their money, when there was a knock on the door.
"Pizza's here!"
"Shut up Trubly. It's not a pizza. They don't deliver here."
Snobly went to open the door.
"Don't open it, you idiot! It could be a trap!" Snobly looked through the old peephole.
"No, it's not! It's a guy and a lady with a box that says 'gold' on it!"
"We've got your ransom!" came a yell from the other side of the door. "But we want Virginia! We want her first!"
Trubly looked at Henry.
"Fine! Snobly, get the lady. You out there, drop the gold, and back away!" He opened the door and pulled the box inside, not noticing that it blocked the door. He started pulling out nails. The other two ran to help him. Virginia, who was no longer being held quite so tightly, or, in fact, at all, raced out the door. The three brothers didn't even look up. Wolf hugged her tightly, then urged her down the stairs, practically at a run.
While Snobly and Trubly were arguing about whether or not you could throw bars of gold up in the air like money, and swim in it (note: paper at 8th grade graduation fire, hee hee.) Henry began shredding the bars to melt them down. He hadn't gotten far at all when his knife hit something that wasn't gold.

Virginia heard them coming, but then again, it was hard not to. Three angry trolls galumphing down the stairs was a hard thing to miss. She tried to run faster, but the flowing material of the dress was not made for running. The trolls were gaining on them, and Virginia couldn't help wondering if they did have some iron shoes. If they did, she would be wearing them soon. At the fourth floor, the trolls were close enough to grab them. Wolf ducked through a door, and pulled Virginia through after him. Janie seemed to already know to go in there. Wolf shoved the door shut, and locked it. The lock wouldn't hold long. He grabbed an old table, and pushed it against the door. Then they retreated to the furthest corner that they could. Virginia felt like screaming at her fiancé. Didn't he know that they would just be trapped?

The door crashed inwards. It was ruined. No, ruined doesn't even describe it. Obliterated was closer to the case. The trolls rushed in, intent on doing the same thing the three people trapped inside.

They would have succeeded, to, if it weren't for the several dozen of Wendell's men that suddenly poured from every space in the room. The trolls surrendered. Faced with more than thirty swords, most people would do the same. Even if they were as dumb as trolls.

The End
Yeah… ten second to review, please?