When Words Aren't Enough
(A/N: so I haven't posted anything for lily and james in awhile, and i decided to return to my favorite pairing of all time. i know i lied and said i loved edward and bella the most, but the fact of the matter is that lily and james are just simply timeless.
anyway, i wrote this over the summer and never finished until i left for winter break. here's another tribute to lily and james. i hope you all enjoy! oh, and happy new year! whoohoo 2009! )
"You're an idiot."
I breathe heavily as I fight to control my anger which was threatening to erupt at any moment. I clench my fist and count to ten, trying to slow my racing heart.
Life with Lily isn't a leisurely fly on a broomstick. I never expected it to be. Sure, I have those fancy images in my head that we'd settle down happily, get married, fool around for a few years before having a kid or two. I won't deny that. But, knowing Lily - and more importantly, knowing me - I know that won't happen without a few thunderclouds in the way. And it's really hard to dodge lightning when it strikes, even on the fastest broom available.
Trust me. I've tried. In other words, I was lucky; Sirius was stupid. Don't try it at home.
I'm not saying Lily and I get into fights all the time. All right, more often than not we're in a row of some sort, but it's really not that bad. When we're not in a row - over the stupidest thing, usually - it's nice. Fantastic, actually. Lily has this way of making everything seem clearer, more concrete. Perhaps not totally black and white, but she clears things up. Lily's very logical. And truthfully? Well, I'm not. She's opinionated, and as stubborn as a Hippogriff. Never changes her mind about anything - I guess it's the logic working in that massive brain of hers. And she's not afraid to tell the world her opinions either.
But Lily doesn't try to change anyone's mind - in fact, I think she likes hearing someone disagree with her. If they can argue back, anyway. Which they usually can't. But whenever I have those days when I'm torn between decisions (which happens ridiculously often), Lily's always there to help. She's always able to form an argument for each side of the problem, but she lets me choose which one I take. Sometimes she disapproves, and she always has this funny look on her face - sort of reminiscent of me mum, lips pursed just that tiny bit and her eyebrows slightly furrowed in a frown. But she'll nod and let me continue anyway.
That's what happens with Lily. We accept that we think differently about some things. Usually that's enough to help us bounce back from our various arguments. Keeps the relationship lively, I suppose.
Sometimes, though, things just get bad. Like they did today.
"You're a bumbling buffoon, that's what you are!"
My resolve disappears and I stupidly fire back. Big mistake.
"Oh, really? Is that what you think of me?"
"Yes, without a doubt!"
I really could have avoided turning this argument into a screaming match, but there's no turning back now. I march towards her, glaring at her in the way that usually sends even Remus crawling back to where he came from. And Remus is a stubborn ass, for all his bookishness. Of course, it has absolutely no effect on Lily.
I can't even remember why I'm mad any more.
"And what, exactly," I thunder, finally reaching her and looking down into her fierce gaze, "did you do to prevent it?"
"Me?" she shrieks, her green eyes flashing. Even now, I'm stunned - I've always been a sucker for green eyes. Especially ones that glare at me like hers are doing now. "What did I do to prevent it? What have I got to do with your stupidity?"
"'A relationship involves two parties, and both have to take responsibility whenever something happens,'" I recite. "Isn't that something you said, dear?"
She hates it when I use her previous arguments against her, no matter how long ago she said it. I see her clench her teeth and I allow myself to revel in the smug feeling of satisfaction that I get whenever I slip in a good point in an argument with her.
It feels good to best her sometimes.
"But in this particular case - " she tries arguing back, but I cut her off. Another bad move.
"There is no 'in this particular case'," I argue back. "In every case, anything that happens needs to be worked together by both parties. There is no 'Your fault, I'm washing my hands of this' kind of deal. You said so yourself!"
At this point, her face is flaming and she looks ready to hex pieces of me to the ends of the earth. Did I mention that she doesn't like being interrupted?
"So it's my fault that you didn't stop fooling around and now your chances of becoming an Auror are jeopardised?" she yells.
Oh. Right. That's why we're fighting. Oops.
I guess it is my fault, in a way. I just forgot about the upcoming deadline, what with Quidditch and all. But I'm not letting her know that.
Did I also happen to mention that a relationship with two stubborn people is really hard to handle?
"Actually, yes! You could have done something about it, too, you know!"
"It's your life!"
"But don't you just love to boss me around?"
Lily's face has the tendency to continue down a spectrum of color when she gets emotional, usually ranging from the lightest pale pink to a fascinating tomato red. That tomato red is a cause for worry, no matter what the situation - either Lily's going to burst into one of her rare breakdowns, she's too overwhelmed and won't know how to react, or I'm about to get my head bitten off. I feel a slight sense of dread as her cheeks darken ever closer to that dangerous shade.
Only I would think she looked maddeningly irresistible when she's furious.
"I do not," Lily sniffs, indignant that I would ever suggest a thing.
"Well then, why didn't you keep reminding me?"
"Keep reminding you? That's what I've been doing every night since I've known you, for Merlin's sakes!"
I allow an internal sigh.
"Well?" she demands acidly. Her eyes betray her impatience, and warn me to tread carefully. She looks like she's ready to blow up again.
"I told you," I say with an edge of tiredness, "I'll start working on it when Quidditch season is over." I notice that she winces at the term 'Quidditch'. But I'm being serious - you can't just ask me to ditch the sport I love the most. That's not who I am.
"Lily," I try again when she doesn't respond. "I swear. I'll start working when all the practices are behind us."
I look into her eyes again, and what I find stabs me through the heart. Lily's eyes have always been easy for me to read - I saw the attraction in her eyes long before she finally agreed to go out with me - but instead of finding the love that usually fills those green orbs, I found a horrible mixture of hurt, doubt, and pain. If there's one thing that's extremely Lily, it's throwing up a barrier of anger when she's feeling particularly vulnerable. And I've never seen her look as vulnerable as she did now.
"What's wrong, love?" She doesn't answer, but I push anyway. "I know that's not why you came up here."
"It's nothing," she says quietly, and even if I hadn't read it in her eyes, her voice betrays her hurt. An ache begins to build inside me.
"No, Lily." I'm desperate to understand why she won't listen to me. I hate this - I hate the rows, I hate the periods of separation that happen because of them. This argument has been one in a series of rows we've had in the last month alone. I hate not being able to tell her I love her whenever I want to - to kiss her just because I can.
"How did you think I found out you were up here in the first place?" Her tone is accusatory, and I know it's because I didn't tell her I was coming up here with her. Guilt begins to eat at me as I realise exactly why she's been so upset the last few months. "Mary saw you both. And because she cares, she told me. Don't act as if it's all innocent. You would have told me where you were if it was innocent."
I'm feel like I'm being slapped across the face every time she says a word. How does she think I don't care? I love her - more than I can put into words. Whatever string of phrases or sentences I come up with never does it justice.
"Lily, please." At this point, I'm not angry anymore. I reach to take her hand - risky when she's so emotional - and she stiffens. But she lets me hold her as she steadfastly refuses to look anywhere but my face.
"I love you. You know this." Her gaze softens, but her mouth is still set in a grim line, and she stares past my shoulder. "I've never loved anyone as much you. I would never, ever treat you that way."
"I know," she says, but she doesn't sound convinced. And that hurts more than anything else.
"Lily, love," I plead. "I love you. How many times do I have to repeat it?"
I throw caution to the winds and bend down to wrap her in my arms. I bury my face in her soft red hair, and hold her close. Her scent surrounds me, and I sigh.
"What do I need to do to make you believe it?" I whisper.
We stand like that for the longest time. I don't know how long it'd been till she returned the embrace.
"Love needs trust," I recite, "The blind kind of trust where you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, no matter what anyone else says or tells you, that he loves you, and that he'll treat you right, no matter where he is or who he's with."
Lily is silent for awhile, and neither of us moves from the embrace. When she finally says something, she says it so softly I'm not sure I hear her at first.
"Well, then maybe I don't love you."
My heart stops, and I freeze. The ache is gone - instead, a stifling moment of nothing overcomes me. I can't move. I find that I don't want to move.
All I know is numbness.
"That's why I'm so scared," she finally chokes, before burying her face into my chest. I can feel the moisture from her tears beginning to seep through my shirt, and my arms automatically tighten around her.
My mouth refuses to move, and my mind draws a blank. I can't speak - I don't know what to say.
What was there to say?
"I thought I was going to lose you," I hear her mumble softly into me. "You started to spend more and more time with her... And you don't know what she was doing behind all of your backs. If there's one thing girls are good at, it's hiding their true intentions in front of men," she laughs bitterly. I try to process what she's saying, but my thoughts are still muddled. Nothing was making sense anymore.
"I guess she was getting jealous that I was hanging with you lads more often," she admits. "She thought I was stealing you all away from her. As if you all were hers in the first place." She lets loose an unladylike snort, and I can't help but smile. Lily always seems so proper, but she does the most unseemly things sometimes. It's hard not to smile when she curses or does something unrefined.
"She felt intimidated by me. It's not my fault the lads like me better," she shrugs nonchalantly. "But I guess that she thought you all were her property or something when she started hanging out with you. I don't understand why she left it until now if she didn't like the fact that you were dating me. It's not like we just started or anything.
"But she was hanging all over you originally because she thought that by doing so she could break us up. Did you know that? She wanted things to go back to the way they were. She liked feeling like the exclusive girl. It's true that she never liked you. That much she made clear when I confronted her yesterday. But she thought by acting that way, I'd break it off with you. She knew you'd never leave her if she acted hurt because of you. So she took advantage of that. Pathetic, really.
"And it is true that she likes Sirius. Actually, she loves him. Loves him beyond all reason. She realized what a mistake it was when she kept hanging around you to get rid of me. Instead of me breaking it off, Sirius just started hanging around me more often. Talk about a backlash.
"So she backpedaled. She finally revealed that she liked Sirius instead. But the damage was done, and besides that, Sirius never liked her that way in the first place. I'm surprised he even had the courage to tell her face to face. He's such a coward when dealing with girls.
"Of course, she blamed me for the entire incident. 'If it wasn't for you, Lily dear, none of this would have ever happened,'" she mimicks, her voice sickly sweet. "Returning to trying to break us apart was the only way she could see of getting back at me.
"I hated what she was doing. Did you know that Peter loves her?"
I feel a shock run through me. Pete? Love a girl?
"Pete, that adorable boy... He loved her since the first day she started hanging out with you lads," she reveals, her voice incredibly sad. "She was the first girl who paid any attention to him, treated him like he was no different from the rest of you boys. Peter's got really low self-esteem. He doesn't know how good of a person he is. And she was the first to make him feel like he was just as amazing as the rest of you.
"It's hard to keep up with you three, you know that? You're Head Boy, and Gryffindor Quidditch Captain. Sirius has girls hanging around him all the time. He's dashing, charming - has a rogue-ish feel about him. And Remus is incredibly intelligent, and Prefect besides. Pete has a good heart, he really does, but next to you three, he feels like he's nothing.
"So she was the first one to make him feel like he was just as good as any one of you. And look what she's done. First she starts hanging all over you, and saying that she loved you. And then she reveals her love for Sirius, and meddling in everyone's affairs like the brat she is. And the entire time, she just forgot about Pete. She hasn't actually spent any time with Remus or Peter since this whole thing blew up. And this whole affair only showed her true colors to him. He doesn't want to believe that he loves someone who isn't the angel he thinks she is.
"And look what she's done to Sirius. I have no idea if he'll ever trust himself with another female friend again. Besides me, of course, since I'm taken by you, but I mean those girls who are single and have the chance of loving him. If girls do so much hurting just because they love him, I doubt he'll ever want to settle down.
"And Remus is out of his mind worrying about all of us. He's good at hiding it, but he puts himself through so much stress. He tries to keep you all happy - it's the least he can do for you all. You befriended him when he thought he'd have no one. He's forever in your debt. And he's despairing that he can't do anything to help this situation.
"And look what she's done to us."
She's finally got to the subject of us in all this. I'm apprehensive of what she'll say. What she'll decide. I feel as if she is getting more and more distant from me. As if she is far out my grasp - like I can't reach her, can't be where she is right now.
And it kills me.
It kills me that I can't reach her, can't comfort her like I know how. Can't kiss her until she's forgotten all her hurting, her anger; can't hug her so tightly that I'd never want to let go. Can't tell her I love her and see that special smile that she reserves just for me.
"I know we haven't the smoothest of relationships," she begins, and I grin internally. Understatement. "But it's a good relationship. If anything, this is the best relationship I've ever had." I can hear the smile in her voice, and I feel slightly relieved.
"However," her voice quivers as she continues on. My relief is quickly snuffed out. "It's showed that it's not as strong as I thought."
The numbness is beginning to seep back in. I can't feel anything except for her warmth in my arms. Everything else is deadened.
"One girl almost broke us apart. One person." Her voice sounds choked up. She's having trouble breathing. I run my hands up and down her back reassuringly, the action having become a reflex on my part.
"I was desperate," she whispers. My heart feels like it was breaking. I've never heard her sound like this before. What happened to my strong Lily? The girl who never backs down to anyone? "I apologized to her. I wanted it all to stop. I hated it; I hated what she was doing to us. To everyone.
"I remember exactly what I did, what I said to her. I asked her to let you all go, that if she cared she'd stop hurting everyone. I begged her."
I tighten my grip on her shoulders. Lily is proud. Lily never begs.
"I told her," Lily starts, before taking a huge, shuddering breath. "I told her that if she really loved you all, she'd let you go. If she really loved the boys, she'd stop. And she only had one reply. 'What do you know about love?'
"And I thought, 'Love? Love is probably the only thing you don't understand. You don't understand what the concept of love is. Love is a lot of things, but part of loving someone is the ridiculous amount of devotion you'll have for the person. The amount of dedication that you'd do anything in your power to keep them happy, even if it means you need to remove yourself from the situation. Love means you'd give up your own happiness for the sake of theirs. Because you know that, as much pain as you'd inflict upon yourself, they'd be happy. And that's enough for you.'"
We stand there in silence as her words settle throughout the room. I feel like I'm about to explode. I'm filled with so much emotion, and I don't even know which one is going to spill over first. My tears? My love?
"But you raised a good point, earlier," Lily finally sighs again. For a moment, I stand there blankly. I can't remember what I said for the life of me.
"Love does come with blind trust. A blind trust that I don't have. A blind trust that we need for this relationship," she continues slowly.
The numbness is multiplying rapidly. It's starting to paralyse me, spreading from my chest outwards. My heart feels like it has stopped altogether.
Suddenly, she backs out of my grasp. I'm helpless to do anything but stare stupidly as she takes a few steps back, looking at the floor. It's a minute or two before she looks me in the eyes.
"I'm sorry, James," she whispers, her eyes clouded by tears. "But the reason I came and found you... I don't think it's going to work out." The breath is knocked out of me. "Like you said, we need that blind trust. And I don't have it."
"Lily," I choke, but she interrupts me.
"No, James. It's for the best."
We stand there for what feels like an eternity. It's like I'm dying, except on a smaller and yet bigger scale - my life flashes before my eyes. My life with Lily. The last two years apart: my first failed pursuit; the glares and daydreaming gazes; Snape by the lake. The last few months: when she finally said yes with a kiss; when she bared her heart and soul to me, the first person she ever did; when we gave ourselves to each other for that first time, and the many times after that; the lovely long walks by the lake under the moonlight; her discovery of Remus and Marauders' Map, and her quick acceptance and nonjudgmental attitude towards him; all the rows and tears and the make ups. My hopes and dreams for the future: the ring I was thinking of commissioning; the small marriage ceremony; the cottage made for two; our children; growing old together; everything. I feel her begin to close off, to walk away, to leave me behind.
Lily. My love, my life.
Then something snaps.
I see Lily's eyes widen as we both feel something change. She comes crashing back - fighting weakly the entire way.
"It's the best for who, Lily?" I ask, locking my eyes on hers. She can't look away. "The best for who?"
She stands frozen under my hot gaze. Her body seems like it's filling with relief, but the tears are starting afresh, running down her now deathly pale cheeks.
"No, love. You don't want this. I know you don't want this."
She gulps, but shakes her head from side to side emphatically.
"Don't lie. Why are you lying to me?"
"I'm not lying," she whispers, her tears showing no signs of stopping.
"Yes, you are. You don't want to leave. Why are you doing this?"
"Trust me, James," Lily pleads. "It's for the best."
"Lily, I love you - "
"I don't love you, James!" she cries back, her voice getting desperate. "Just let me leave!"
I march up to her and grab her face in my hands. She looks up at me tearfully, her green eyes afraid and apprehensive of what I'll do.
"If you didn't love me," I say lowly, my eyes hooded, "would you let me do this?"
I lower my face to hers and capture her lips in a searing kiss. I feel her go limp, and release my hands from her face to catch her around the waist. I pul back slightly, breathing hard. Even now, her taste is addictive, rich.
"Would you be feeling this way?" I whisper, lowering my head to kiss her jaw down to her neck, feeling her tremble within my grasp.
"I love you, Lily," I continue, voice cracking. My heart is bursting with the desire to make her believe it. "And I know you love me, too. Don't leave. Please."
"I can't do this anymore, James," she sobs. "Please, let me go. I can't do this to you anymore - I can't do this to me, anymore. Please."
"Do what?" I ask, confused even through this haze. "What are you doing?"
"I'm here! That's what I'm doing!" She struggles to get out of my embrace, but I hold fast. "I shouldn't be here! If it wasn't for me - "
"If it wasn't for you?" Lily abruptly stills. She doesn't answer, and keeps her eyes on the floor. "If it wasn't for you, what, Lily?"
She stubbornly refuses to meet my gaze, but she has begun to shudder. Then something clicks.
"Oh, no. No, no... Merlin, please don't tell me you think..."
She seems to shrink into herself in an effort to... hide from me? Shield herself? I have no idea, but it tears my heart anyway.
"None of this was your fault," I start gently. "None of this. You understand?"
Lily bolts for the door. She's strong for her size, and she's desperate, but I manage to wrestle her away from the door and wrap my arms around her, trapping her arms effectively. She trembles in my grasp, fighting and crying at the same time.
"Don't you dare think that it's your fault," I say calmly but forcefully as she continues to fight. "You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong - "
"What do you mean I've done nothing wrong?" she screams, finally giving up and going limp in my arms. "I did this," she utters hoarsely, "I brought this on the boys, on all of you - if I'd never been in the picture - "
"It's not your fault, Lily!" I turn her around and shake her for emphasis. My eyes bore into her tearful green ones. "Stop being so selfish for a second, and listen to me!"
She gapes. She's silent for a good long moment before I continue.
"Don't think I don't know how self-centered you are, Lily! I know exactly why you do the things you do! You put up a front and cry and make yourself look like you sacrifice so much for the happiness of others - and you do! I know you do - I'm not denying that you do give up things to make us happy. And you give up so much. But I know that it's all because you want people to think you're a flipping saint, when in fact you're just as selfish as the rest of us!"
Lily's big green eyes stare up at me from where I was clutching her. Her mouth is slightly open, and my eyes are pulled towards her soft pink lips. I rip my eyes away when I realise she's trembling again. My eyes soften when I notice her eyes start to well up in tears again at my words.
"We love you," I say, hoping she'll understand now that she's in such a vulnerable state. "The lads love you. We want you with us - they love having you as a friend. You've been amazing, you know that? We've always thought we'd just need the four of us, but you've proved us wrong. You're the best source of love advice for Sirius. Remus finally has someone he can have intelligent banter with. And Peter's self-confidence has shot up because of you! You're an endless stream of encouragement for all of us, and you've helped all of us clean up our act. You've made us better men because of that. You've made me a better man." My voice cracks, and she bites her lip, tears pouring now. I feel my own chest beginning to swell. With pain? With desperation? With love? "I love you, Lily. I love you."
I can see her breaking in my arms as she gulps, trying to breathe. I know she's beginning to believe in my words, but still struggling weakly against them. "But I'm still the reason she did all this - "
"No," I interrupt firmly. "You may be the reason she went on her crazed rage, but if it's anyone's fault, it's hers. She didn't have to react that way." Lily's stubbornness shines in her eyes as she refuses to accept reality. "Lily." I squeeze her shoulders and force her to look into my eyes. "It's not your fault."
Finally, I feel her resolve begin to break as she leans into my arms. As she starts to sob quietly, I feel myself break within her embrace, too. I can't take it anymore - the fights, the anger, her tears - Merlin, I had promised her that I'd never be the reason for her tears. I promised her. All I want to do now is make it all disappear - just forget everything and everyone until it's just James and Lily and nothing else. And I lean down to capture her lips with mine.
She melts in my arms as I continue to move my lips against hers. She feels wonderfully warm against me, and I tighten my grip on her to keep the sensation. I want to truly get across what I've been saying all along, to finally make her understand and believe what my words can't seem to say.
I slowly move my mouth away from her lips, and plante soft kisses all over her face, memorizing the contours and shapes. The cute, perky nose I had always wanted to kiss when I was an obsessive fifteen-year-old. The soft eyelids that I know hide those green orbs I love so much. Her two round cheeks that have always given me pleasure to kiss. The forehead that was always furrowed when she was concentrating on something that is now totally relaxed. A small mole hiding right below her lower lip that I never noticed until we had gotten together. And then finally back to those pink lips I can never stop wanting to kiss.
A soft sigh comes from her, and I feel my heart warm at the sound. I can never get over the sounds she makes from my caresses and love. I feel her beginning to give in as I continue down her jawline, littering kisses slowly until I get to her neck. She utters a louder sigh as I continue my ministrations down to her collarbone.
She begins to move her hands up and down my back leisurely, trailing her fingers in random shapes and patterns. I shudder in pleasure - she knows how much I love it when she does that. I pick up my pace as I get to the collar of her shirt, and start to unbutton it. Her breathing begins to quicken as I continue slowly to the swell of her breasts. She utters something between a gasp and a moan when I pull away her bra and begin to lavish attention on her chest.
She clutches my hair, tugging and weaving her fingers through it the way she knows turns me on. I groan but continue to reap kisses across her milky skin. She runs her hands down my shoulders and chest, fingering the buttons on my shirt. Suddenly, they all come undone - courtesy of a silent spell. I shrug off the obtrusive fabric, letting it fall to the floor as I continue down her body. At this point, she's beginning to tremble as I work her skirt off. With it finally undone, I let my hands glide up and down those mesmerizing legs.
"Merlin, Lily," I breathe. "You're so soft... so smooth..."
I begin to kiss my way up them. Her skin is addictive, and I find, not for the first time, that I can't get enough of it. I kiss my way up past her hips, purposefully avoiding the place I know she wants me the most. I find myself standing again, with my lips against hers. I pull her toward me, the evidence of my arousal pressing against her abdomen. I hear her suck in a gasp at the contact, and she resumes kissing me. Her hands drift down to the front of my trousers and begin to undo them. I shudder as her hand - innocently? Not so innocently? - brushes against me. I groan in the back of my throat as she finishes her task, letting my trousers fall to the ground.
I decide that standing up isn't good enough - I wrap my arms around her and lift her up, carrying her towards the couch I had previously been occupying when Lily burst in. I settle her down on her back, and have to pause for a second.
Her red hair spills around her face like a halo, and her large green eyes stare up at me from the pale, freckled face I have come to love so much. Her skin glows like pale moonlight, and I find myself unable to speak. I have never felt so much love for one person in my life, and I doubt I will ever love anyone as much as I love her. I feel my love threatening to spill out of me as I lean down to capture her lips just once more.
She respond beneath me, reaching up to wrap her arms around my shoulders and keep me there. I remove her bra in the process and gently clutch her to me, craving the skin-to-skin contact. I tremble with pleasure when I feel her sigh happily against me, planting kisses along my right shoulder. I gently tease away her knickers and remove my own underwear, so that finally it's just me and her.
James and Lily.
I nudge her legs apart, and settle myself at her entrance. I look down at her and see her wide green eyes, full of trust. The previous anger and betrayal in her eyes are now replaced with the familiar look of love she always reserves for me.
"I love you, Lily," I whisper, trying to convey it with my eyes and my voice.
"I love you, James," she whispers back, arms tightening around my shoulders in a semi-squeeze. It's been almost too long since I had last heard her say it. It wraps me in a warmth that had disappeared when she had tried to break it off what seems like ages ago. I lean down and kiss her before I plunge in.
Her gasp of pleasure mixes in with my groan as I slowly slide my entire length inside her. I wait a few moments for her to adjust, both of us trembling, before I continue. Slowly at first, she softly moans into my shoulder as I concentrate on giving her the most pleasure she has ever experienced. I want to tell her I love her - I want to make sure she will never forget it.
As her moans and breathing come faster, I speed up to match her. Lily is beginning to squeeze my shoulders, and bury her face in my neck. I know this is her form of begging for release, and I begin to move faster. She lets out a gasp that turns into a long moan, and my arms shudder beneath the effort expended. Not much later, I feel her tighten beneath me, and clutch at me. I begin to thrust into her with wild abandon when she freezes for a second, before coming apart beneath me. My own peak follows soon after, and I feel the world melt away. It's just me and her, there in that one moment.
As we both come down, I lift her up, collapse into the coach, and pull her against me. We're both still breathing hard, and I bury my face in her red locks, breathing in her scent mixed with mine.
It's a moment before she shifts in my arms so she's facing me. Her green gaze glides over my face, to my most likely messy head of hair to the glasses I had forgotten to take off this entire time. Suddenly, she moves forward to kiss my nose, before leaning her forehead against mine. My world is filled with green when she finally whispers, "I love you, James Potter."
My heart swells and I know I'm smiling like an idiot. But I don't care.
"And I love you, Lily Evans."
Merlin knows how long we lay there in each other's arms. Even when we finally get up and dress again, the feeling doesn't go away. Before she opens the door, I pull her back into my arms, wrapping my arms around her stomach and kissing her neck. She lets out a soft giggle before turning around and giving me a proper kiss. I groan and hold her tighter to me.
"Do we have to leave?" I ask, nuzzling her neck. She sighs in response but pulls back.
"Yes, James. You know we have responsibilities to attend to."
"The only responsibility I ever want is to make you happy," I reply truthfully, grabbing her again. She smiles, but shakes her head.
"We have time for that later. Don't you remember the Quidditch practice you scheduled for tonight?" I frown. Had I?
"Screw Quidditch," I say boldly, placing my chin on top of her head to keep her within my embrace. "You're all I want right now. The lads can deal without me."
"That may be true, but you are the captain, and you have duties that come with that position," Lily admonishes me lightly.
"I can think of better things to do," I utter suggestively, letting my right hand drift lower down her back.
"James!" Lily laughs. "Come on."
I groan in protest, but I realise she is right. I just don't want to leave the room. I know as soon as we do, the whole world will come crashing down on us again. The few hours we had to ourselves were so wonderful, and I don't feel ready to leave that behind yet. But then I suddenly remember something we both needed to do.
"Love?"
"Hm?"
"What time did I schedule the practice again?" I can't remember for the life of me.
"After dinner. Why?" She starts tracing shapes with her thumb on our entertwined hands.
"Good. We still have some time before dinner, don't we?"
"Yes. But I don't see what you're getting at. You still need to change and grab your broomstick, I'd imagine - "
"I think we need to sit down and have a talk with the lads. And... her."
Lily's thumb stops. She looks up at me, shock in her eyes.
"You want..."
"Yes." I take both her hands in mine, and look into her eyes. "It's time we fixed this. I don't know what's going to happen, but I can't let us get torn apart."
"You and the lads?"
"Yes," I reply, "but you and me as well."
The brilliant smile that spreads across her face is reward enough for me. "You sure?"
"Definitely."
"Together?" she asks, her eyes hopeful. I smile.
"Together."
(A/N: reviews are like oatmeal raisin cookies: i can never get enough! thanks for reading. )