Title: Alcoholics Anonymous

Genre: Parody/Humor

Characters: Severus Snape, Capitan Jack Sparrow, Hannibal Lecter, Alice Cooper, and a handful of other characters that I've yet to reveal.

Summary: Voldemort sends Snape to A.A. for his fan fiction-created drinking problem. Along the way, many famous alcoholics tell their live stories and why they drink. Very cliché, very random, and, above all, pure insanity.

Set differently for each character. Think of it as everyone having a time turner, but stupidly turning it back too far.

Severus: Set after HBP, but before anything happens in book seven. Over the summer, basically.

Capitan Jack: While he's on the island, but Elisabeth isn't with him. Where he learned " Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)", You decide.

Hannibal: Current day, but set by the film, not the novel. Thus, Clarice isn't with him. Haven't you everwondered why he drinks all of that wine?

Alice: 70's stage Alice. Yes, Alice is a character, Alice (the non-character) has said it himself. Thus, I am obeying the rules.

Note: I love all of these characters dearly and am doing this purely out of love.

Inspired by Lactaid milk, Weird Al Yankovich and microwaveable cake.

"My lord, I do not wish to be of burden to you, but I really believe that such punishment is unnecessary." Severus said, watching Voldemort gaze at his own reflection.

After a long and uncomfortable silence, The 'Dark Lord' spoke, "Unnecessary? Severus, you killed Albus Dumbledore without order. Not that I'm angry about that, but you almost hit Potter! I need him. I like him. He makes me twitchy and angry. We need him to live." He re-applied his lipstick and turned to Severus. "You've been a very naughty boy. You must be punished. Come here."

Severus knew exactly what was coming; It was Voldemort's favorite punishment for all Death Eaters, nobody could escape the spanking.

"My Lord, please. I'll do anything you ask! Just not that again. Please! I'll go to the dreadful Alcoholics Anonymous meetings! Please..."

Voldemort shook his head, his blonde wig falling to the floor. Immediately, he ceased his head-shaking and stared at the wig, fury in his eyes. "How many times have I told you to stay? Bad wig!" He screamed with tears in his eyes and threw every hex he could think of at the wig. Severus took this as an opportunity to sneak out. Voldemort called after him, "You're a good little boy, Severus! Now, go fetch me some sparkly things!"

'It's a shame I'm associated with such idiots.' He thought, walking down a dirty corridor. He turned a corner, and hit something with his foot. To his dismay, it was another one of Voldemort's BRATZ Dolls. Severus sighed and continued on his way, only to run into another one of Voldemort's possessions two steps later. Then two more steps later. Two more... Two more... Two more... One more... five more... two backwards and one more forwards.

Letting out a groan of frustration, he bent over and picked up the final item he ran into; a compact mirror. The room began spinning and he noticed Lucius cackling in the corner. Severus, realizing what was happening, spat a few curses at Lucius, but then his setting changed completely.

What Severus saw terrified him. It was grotesque, disturbing and, above all, positive...

-----

It took him a moment to fully digest his surroundings, as it was a very different environment than what he was used to. The room was covered from ceiling to floor in hot pink, fluffy trinkets and rum bottles littered the floor. A man was sitting lying on a (you guessed it) pink canopy bed, muttering inaudibly to himself and taking swigs of rum from a dusty bottle.

"Yo ho, you ho, a p-p-piratesss life fir meeee... dddrink up me heardiesss y-y-yooo hoooo!" The man said, raising his bottle and toasting to someone who wasn't there. "To The Black Pppearlll! May sh' never run ou' of rum!"

"Here, here." Severus said, taking a seat on the floor beside the bed and holding an unopened bottle of rum. The man sat bolt upright and stared at Severus, who merely stared back at him, bored.

"Wh-Who might you be, mate?" The obviously drunk man asked. He was an odd one; dressed in dirty clothes with beads in his hair. 'Maybe I'm in one of those Muggle Asylums'

"Why does it concern you?" Severus asked, taking a swig of the alcohol.

"'Cause this is my bloody s-s-ship! I've go' a right t-to know who's on my ship!"

"Fine." Severus said cooly. "I a-"

"Don't go agreein' with me, mate! I didn't say you could! Bessides," He said, stumbling over his words, "you're supposed to invoke the right of Pa... Poly? No. P-p-arsley? No. Pot-potty? N-no... Poorly? Nooo... Erm..."

Our dark one sighed, and rolled his eyes. This was going to be a very long day. "Parley, perhaps?"

"That's the one! Yeah, you're s'posed to invo... involve? No... evoke? No..."

"Invoke?"

"That's the one!" The man pointed a grimy finger at Severus, "Yeah, you're s'posed to invoke the right of Parley."

"Why?" Severus asked, taking another drink of rum.

"B'cause I ssssaid so!"

This man was giving Severus a headache. "If I do, will you shut up and let me drink in peace?"

"I-I can't make an-any guranteeeees. But, I might." The man said and smiled.

"I invoke the right of Parley. Also, I invoke the right to kill myself."

"Alssso created by the Frencchhh, you know." A dazed look spread throughout the mans face. "The creators of mayonnaise as well."

Snape managed to utter a sarcastic 'fascinating' before taking another drink. This was going to be a very long day, indeed.

I know this is short (I'm sorry for that), but Ihope you enjoyed this. Review and I'll update.