AC: …Don't even ask. I'm crazy. Okay? XD And with this fic being published, I now have over 150,000 words in stories published! Yay, I feel somewhat accomplished!
Dedication: Spaghetti Cat. I don't know. To anyone who really likes this piece o' crack, be my guest.
Disclaimer- I don't own Transformers. If I did, there would be mechslash all around (as much as you can get with genderless but still mostly considered male robots), and plenty of energon goodies for everyone!
Summary: Skywarp has a revelation, and the effects of this revelation causes an uproar within the Nemesis. Thundercracker just wonders: 'why did I ever let him see that IQ quiz?' [TCxSW] Plenty of crack and slash included.
Note: I go with the flow saying a cycle is an hour and fifteen minutes long, a breem is 8.3 minutes, and a klik is 1.2 minutes. Just so all of you know. And if you all haven't seen this advertisement while reading fanfics, I'll be amazed.
Warning: Contains way too many jokes and references to other things as well as slash. If it messes with your head, then shoo!!
Bikinis~ a Thundercracker x Skywarp one-shot
"Speech"
'Thought'
In the video surveillance room of the Nemesis-
Normal POV
It had been a rather quiet, somewhat pleasant day at the Nemesis, which was awe-inspiring considering the fact that the mechs who stayed there were known as Decepticons. Decepticons were not known for being quiet; but rather boisterously loud, violent warriors who were led by a large gray mech known as Megatron. Recently, the Decepticons had managed to get a hold of quite a bit of energon (much to the Autobots' chagrin) that they made from the energy output in a nuclear plant. Megatron had even been able to send some of it to Shockwave on Cybertron, and hoarded the rest for his troops' consumption.
All in all, it had been a decent orn so far. Megatron had even allowed his troops to have a few cubes of high grade an earth night before to celebrate. Everyone was in a somewhat charitable mood, only a few fights had broken out (Wildrider instigated one of them, having insisted that it was frighteningly quiet), and mechs were at their stations, taking their shifts with little protest.
Even Skywarp was content with his position of monitor surveillance, diligently looking for any sign of trouble within the base while Thundercracker worked at the computer terminal next to him, browsing for potential sources of energy they could siphon and turn into energon. Both of them were busy getting things done, or so it seemed…
Thundercracker found that Iceland got most of their electricity from geothermal energy and pondered how they could manipulate that for their use. Granted, it was very far away… but not too much trouble for them. He'd been about to click for more information on exactly how those pesky organic fleshlings obtained that energy when a pop-up spread itself all over the screen, demanding to be paid attention to. Thundercracker growled lowly, knowing that these stupid pop-ups often led to viruses and disgusting sites where humans did things he did not want to see. Oh he had learned from that first time, and thank Primus they'd been able to delete the image from his processor. Still, the slagging thing refused to go away, even when he clicked the red 'x' button. He growled again. He had no desire to see what his IQ was- he already knew it was far beyond the highest number a human could achieve… and how could any being not see that the image was of a lamp, not of some female organic's "bikini"?
Suddenly, Skywarp appeared over his shoulder, head next to his, arms reaching out to creep down his chassis. Soon, his fingers were skating over his cockpit, a clear indication that Skywarp was rather tired of what he had been working with- and would rather bother his trinemate. "Hey TC, what are you looking at?" The lavender and black seeker cooed, his silky voice dangerously close to Thundercracker's audio receptors.
Thundercracker let out a puff of air through his vents in what reminded Skywarp of a human expression- a sigh. "It's nothing important. You should be watching the monitors 'Warp. We still have another cycle to go in our shift." He was keenly aware of the purring of the other's vocal capacitor as Skywarp hummed a soft beat, lips getting closer to his throat…
"But I'm getting bored… and hey, what's that?" Skywarp peered at the screen, and the look in his optics changed from one of curiosity to one of disgust. "Oh gross TC! What is that?"
Thundercracker could help but start to grin, and tried hard not to laugh (though he was disappointed that his attention had shifted). "'Warp… That's something humans invented called an IQ test, to test their intelligence. Are you telling me that you can't see the object before you is a lamp?"
Skywarp pouted slightly, lower lip component shaking with the lightest of tremors. "Aw, come on TC… It looks like a pair of legs and… whatever that black thing is called that female organics wear." His scarlet optics centered on Thundercracker's, who was looking at him out of the corner of his left optic. He waited expectantly as always, knowing Thundercracker would answer him sooner or later. And if he didn't at first… he would, even if he had to seduce him.
"It says that they're called bikinis, Skywarp. But you honestly can't see that the object is a lamp? There is light shining, and the black thing is not a bikini- its part of the lamp stand. The lighter, triangular area is the lamp. And that black thing in the corner is probably a plant…" The blue Seeker trailed off, feeling a digit scrape against the glass of his cockpit in what seemed a particularly sensuous way. He tensed, not sure if Skywarp was planning something he planned to finish…
"But couldn't it be those… um… what was it? Oh right- those disgusting little skin growths fleshies have all over them?" (1)
And with that question, the lilac Seeker ruined the seductive spell he had managed to culminate over him.
Thundercracker groaned deeply. "Primus, Skywarp! I can't believe you're still going to protest that! It's a fragging lamp. Get over it." He didn't want to continue this stupid debate (he would rather get his fragging monitor duty over with and get a quick 'face from the other), but somehow it was already getting out of control. 'Why did I even show him that stupid quiz, anyway?'
"But I think it's a bikini… that's a weird name, you know?" Skywarp snickered, knowing that his beloved Thundercracker was frustrated. He'd performed that little act before and it never ceased to get him some fun activity in the berth later. 'Heheheheh…'
Skywarp backed off from Thundercracker's chair and stretched, arms raising high above his head and wings. A loud and satisfying 'crack' was heard and Skywarp cursed briefly when he heard a small 'ping' noise, signifying that something had possibly broken or fallen from either his body or the ceiling. He looked down and found a bolt on the ground. 'I hope that didn't come from me!' He bent over, allowing Thundercracker (who had turned around at the 'crack' noise) to see his perfectly round aft as it wiggled slightly, making the other cover his optics with his servo. 'I must not be tempted… no matter how slagging much I want to grab it.'
"…Sometimes I hate you."
"I love you too, TC," Skywarp chirped as he picked it up. While he did so, he couldn't help but catch sight of a small dent in his pelvic armor. He was about to examine it further when he froze and realized something important… something crucial for everyone to know (or at least he thought so)…
His optics almost seeming to widen in shock- he jerked upright from his position and started to touch himself all across his pelvic armor, fingering grooves and even touching the edges of seams. The point of this investigation was not to stimulate himself, even if that is how it appeared to Thundercracker; who had lifted his servo only to catch sight of Skywarp cupping his own aft and cod piece, twisting his head this way and that to catch a better sight of his pelvic regions. His jaw dropped slightly, and he offlined his optics, trying to convince himself not to pounce. He still had at least six breems before his shift ended and he could not just drop it and 'face the other senseless. Just because Starscream felt the need to frag off their leader in any way possible (and that included dropping everything in the middle of his shifts to 'face another) didn't mean he wanted to get deactivated this orn!
"I swear on the Pit if you don't stop touching yourself I will report this to Megatron, Skywarp!" He hissed between his dental plates, seriousness clouding his flustered features.
Skywarp stopped, and looked at him with optics filled with mirth, as if he had discovered the funniest joke there is on the internet and didn't hear a word Thundercracker had uttered. "Blow it out your actuator TC! I just had a brilliant revelation!"
"You know what the word 'revelation' means?" Thundercracker asked, raising an optic ridge after he onlined his optics.
"… You're a slaghead, you know that?" Skywarp muttered, almost feeling put out… that is, until he caught sight of Thundercracker's nether regions and began to stare at them with almost a fanatical gleam in his optics. "Oooh…"
Thundercracker found that for once in his life that he was actually scared of Skywarp in that moment. The Seeker was looking at him in a way that he wouldn't have found inviting, rather, it was disturbing. Wings twitching, he scooted back in his chair, trying to resist the urge to cover his codpiece. "…Why are you looking at me like that?!"
Skywarp's incredulous expression clearly spoke of what he thought about the other's lack of comprehension. "Haven't you realized it yet?! The shape-" he touched the outline of his pelvic armor briefly, "-and the colors! We look like we're wearing bikinis! Not just me, but you too!" He cackled like crazy. "And the others! Practically all of us look like we wear fleshy female underwear! Panties! Bikinis!" He giggled, feeling almost punch-drunk from quaffing a little too much high grade energon. "Panties, bikinis, they're all the same thing! Even our great leader-" at that moment Thundercracker felt that Skywarp was Starscream in disguise and choked- "has the same type of armor! Hahahahaha!"
"…You're calling not just myself, but also all the other Decepticons femmes?! Have you any shred of common sense, you slagger?! If you dare say any word to them…" Thundercracker's tirade was cut off when a grinning Skywarp teleported away, presumably to do what he was about to advise him against. "…You're so slagged…" He groaned once more in frustration, only this time it held no sexual undertones. Joy to the world…
After a few kliks of anxious waiting, he decided that he had better go look for him. Things were eerily silent… or perhaps that was because of the soundproofing of the room. Not that he knew about it. But then, something on the monitor for the rec room caught his optic...
Outside the room, things were chaotic. Many of the gestalt members of the Constructicons, Combaticons, and the Stunticons were screaming and fighting among one another about their masculinity, trying to prove how unfemme-like they were. A few even vowed to go to see Hook and Megatron about new pelvic armor designs, brought about by Skywarp's sudden revelation. Swindle was already doing what he was best at- getting credits from some of the more gullible (or unintelligent) Decepticons by betting and claiming that he would be selling new pelvic armor designs. Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, Ratbat, and Ravage were among them, looking smug at the fact that they didn't have that problem with the 'bikini' armor. Rumble and Frenzy were among the fighting mechs, both taking on Motormaster, who had denounced their masculinity because of their 'size-' and yes, he meant that both ways.
…Feel free to wipe that smirk off your face.
In any case, no one was pleased. Soundwave attempted to calm the others down, but with his mostly monotone voice, and the fact that he had a 'bikini' on as well didn't help matters at all (not to mention he has a 'play' button on it hurhurhur). So he sulked, and comm'd Starscream, hoping that the temperamental Seeker would help him sort out this commotion.
When Starscream arrived, he looked at everyone around him and guffawed, knowing exactly what had gone on. Skywarp had told him about the IQ quiz; and while of course he didn't really give a slag about what he told him, he could still find humor in it (as long as no one made fun of his masculinity that is). He said to Soundwave, "So what's the problem?"
"Observation: this is madness!" Soundwave 'yelled' over the chaos.
Starscream smirked. "Madness? THIS. IS-"
Megatron cut off Starscream's reference to a movie that wasn't even made yet when he screamed, "PREPOSTEROUS!"
All of the present Decepticons became silent, tangled bodies doing barrel rolls slowly came to a halt as they stared reverently at their leader…
And for a few astroseconds, there was blessed silence, until Skywarp appeared and pointed to Megatron's nether regions.
"SEE? HE HAS ONE TOO!"
Immediately, the slag hit the fan.
Mechs began to fight again, Swindle was swindling, Starscream was cackling, Soundwave was sighing, and Skywarp was snickering, that is, until he got a kick to the cod piece from Megatron. Ouch…
The lilac Seeker was up against the wall, nearly being choked to death by Megatron, who snarled in his face. "What is the meaning of this, Skywarp?! Do you want me to kill you for your incompetence?"
Skywarp croaked, "b-but… it looks like a bikini… fleshy female armor… it's… j-just a joke!"
Starscream could see the panic on Skywarp's face and as much as he was enjoying the chaos, he couldn't let his trinemate deactivate. "What's the matter, mighty Megatron? Is your big mech pride hurt? Whatever it is, you should let go of him. I think he actually used his slagging processor for once! You should reward him instead of choking him."
"Hmph. Starscream, since you feel so generous then you can babysit him the next time he's on monitor duty! And for the next thirty earth rotations!" Megatron glared, and dropped Skywarp, who rubbed his dented neck. "As for the rest of you… you all disgust me. If you're so swayed by Skywarp's foolishness, then you might as well be femmes and get larger chest cavities! Go to your quarters and get those idiotic ideas out of your processors!" He turned to Soundwave and said, "You're in charge. Starscream, take Skywarp back to the monitors and make sure he doesn't touch the computer again." He turned around to leave, muttering crap that no one cares about anymore.
"Wait! I didn't get to the best part!" Despite the fact that he almost got deactivated, Skywarp still wanted to impress the others with his latest deduction. With all optics on him (some surprised, some bored, and some irritated), he crowed, "The Autobots wear bikinis too!"
And for that comment, he was hailed a hero.
Everyone was cackling evilly as they imagined new names for the Autobots- even Megatron, who was thinking, 'Next time I see Prime I should call him Optie Prima! Oooh, Optimus Primaballerina! Excellent… that will frag him off even more! Mwahahahahaha!'
Shouts rang out all over the place as new names were suggested for various Autobots.
"What about Pink Alert?!"
"Frag that sounds stupid! Try calling the Dinobot leader Goldielocks!"
"You slagging moron, he's not even gold! That should be the yellow twin's name! It would suit him."
"Don't you think the crazy inventor should be called Mama WeeJee? He has so many damn creations I'm surprised Prime keeps letting him pop them out!"
"What about the little stupid red one called Cliffjumper? I think they should call him Claudia…"
… There was silence for a few seconds as everyone stared at the mech that spoke out- Dead End. He shrugged. "What? His name makes him sound suicidal. Not that it matters… we're all going to die anyway…" His optics got dimmer, and the whole area around him seemed to darken ominously.
And just like that, the mood was killed.
Mechs walked off, either grumbling or snickering as Soundwave moved them along and out of the rec room. Those who were less eager got a taste of Soundwave's mindfucking powers and then left in a hurry, screaming something that sounded like 'my vital regions have been invaded!' He smirked. 'Soundwave: superior.'
As for Skywarp, he had been thrown back into the monitor room, which was empty except for one blue Seeker- aka Thundercracker. An irate Starscream stalked in and closed the door while Skywarp pounced on Thundercracker.
"Oh TC, you should have seen it! It was so funny! They were all fighting like crazy and everything!" He told the other, grinning like the Joker after he did his magic pencil trick to some poor unlucky sap.
Thundercracker cycled some air through his vents and exhaled in a form that is familiar to humans- it was a sigh. "Skywarp, you seem to have forgotten that you were supposed to be watching the monitors. Since you left, I had to cover them!" He looked a bit cross, and Skywarp shrank back a little. "Though I have to admit, it was funny- except for when Megatron tried to hurt you."
Skywarp looked stunned for a klik, but then he smiled and cooed, "awww, TC, you DO care!" He hugged the other tightly, and dug his fingers into Thundercracker's shoulder seams, much to the other's surprise.
"Someone has to look after you," he whispered to the other, and drew the other into a kiss.
Starscream looked even more disgruntled than he was before and waved his arms up and down. "Hey! Who was it that saved your aft, Skywarp?! Huh? That was me, you dithering slagger! Nope, no one cares about Starscream, I get no appreciation! Not from Megatron, not from you two! Primus! I could have had Skyfire on his knees in astroseconds but noo, I'm stuck with you tw-"
Starscream was cut off when the two paused in the middle of their make out session and addressed him. "We never said you couldn't join."
"Bob slag it, next time tell me before you start!" And with that, Starscream jumped the other two Seekers, and the Seeker's Happy Fun Time commenced.
End of one-shot
ALTERNATIVE SCENE
"… You're a slaghead, you know that?" Skywarp muttered, almost feeling put out… that is, until he caught sight of Thundercracker's nether regions and began to stare at them with almost a fanatical gleam in his optics. "Oooh…"
Thundercracker found that for once in his life that he was actually scared of Skywarp in that moment. The Seeker was looking at him in a way that he wouldn't have found inviting, rather, it was disturbing. Wings twitching, he scooted back in his chair, trying to resist the urge to cover his codpiece. "…Why are you looking at me like that?!"
Skywarp grinned, and for an astrosecond it appeared that he had fanged dental plates. He started creeping towards the other, and he purred, "it's because…" He paused, and then he played a popular sound byte used often in strange YouTube videos and the sound was quite loud and frightening. "…I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU!!!"
"…HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!"
End of alternate scene
1- he means a mole. We all have these. If yours starts growing huge and is darkening, go see a doctor immediately. It could be something known as melanoma aka a form of skin cancer. I'm lucky that I didn't have that, but I had to get the two of them (yes, two) removed. Better safe than sorry!
Angelic: I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE WEIRD. D: Oh brain, we need a break. And some reviews would be nice… very nice… :D please review if you liked this crack. And why it's not Weegee is because it's WheelJack, so I thought I'd change it. What the hey, the same noise right? And in my mind the Dinobots and other gestalts are almost like Wheeljack's kids... kinda. And Ratchet helped. And yeah. Hehee... I'm twisted. D: PLEASE REVIEW~!!