I don't know what it is. It's like perfect apart from one thing. And I don't know what it is. It's the feeling you get when you've done something wrong or forgotten something; and it's permanent. It fucking sucks if I'm honest, because no matter what I do, I can't shake it. And I wish I could. On bad days I wish it more than anything.
It wasn't always like this. I was fine until high school started and I just became so much more self aware. I know, Beca Badass Mitchell, insecure? I never let it show. I hide under sarcastic comments, the I-don't-give-a-shit attitude and the heavy-ass eye make up. I just stick to my friends (Jesse, Fat Amy and Benji). I haven't even told them. I don't wanna burden them when they probably won't understand.
But becoming this new person wasn't such a bad thing. I finally had the courage to come out to my friends and family, after having known that I was gay at 12 but being too scared to say anything. You hear stuff in the corridors and you'll do anything to not become another victim. I'd rather it not go round the whole school but I wouldn't care that much if it did. I just prefer not dealing with idiots like Bumper Allen.
But here we are, the summer of 2015 is over and I'm sitting next to Jesse on the couch in his basement. He's playing video games and his eyes are glued to the screen while I'm blasting twenty one pilots from the speakers. I don't really know how to describe twenty one pilots, they're kind of rap mixed with hip hop, electronic is thrown in and with a dash of pop. Not really what I like, I'm more of punk rock gal myself but I appreciate all genres of music. Apart from country. I'm sorry country, no one likes you.
"BECAW!" Jesse shrieks, startling me.
"Holy shit Jess!" I say, irritated. He just laughs.
"So, first day of school tomorrow. On a scale of 1-10 how crappy do you think it'll be?" Jesse questions.
"Pretty crappy, I'd say about a 7."I reply, I'm already dreading the next day.
"Hey. It might not be so bad. I hear there's gonna be a new girl." Jesse says shrugging.
"Poor girl. Bumper's probably gonna be a dick and Tom'll try to get in her pants. It's a little much for the first day."
"Yeah. But what about Tom trying to get in my pants?" Jesse jokes.
"You're an asshole, you know that?" I reply.
"I'm also your lesbro!" Jesse enjoys pissing me off way too much.
I check the time and it's about half ten.
"Alright, dude, I better get going. You have to get your beauty sleep and I wanna work on my mixes." I say, anxious to go home.
"'Kay then dude, see ya tomorrow!"
"Bye, loser!"
"Ugh." I grumble as I hear my alarm go off. Why do they make the sound so annoying anyway, I just want to sleep. Oh wait…
Meet morning Beca everybody. She makes no sense and is grumbling 'til she gets her coffee. This is literally the only thing that will get her out of bed.
I pull off the duvet reluctantly and enter the cold that is my bedroom. Damn, I didn't realise I live in an igloo. I walk to the bathroom, my feet freezing and pyjama covered body chattering when I realise which day it is. Monday. Mom's at work and Jesse's taking the bus so I'm going to have to walk. Why today of all days?
As I strip I think about the start of school. My junior year. I'm gonna try my best to have fun and enjoy myself for once. And it's a stupid thought because how am I going to do that?
The water, hot and a complete juxtaposition to the seemingly Arctic temperatures in the house, is so goddamn nice. I take so many things for granted and I really shouldn't. I take the instruments and DJ equipment I have as no big deal when really it's my whole life. I don't know how I'd stay sane without it.
I hop out the shower and proceed to get dressed. Do I really need to explain putting clothes on? I decide to wear a red flannel over a band shirt (Good Charlotte, if you were wondering), grey skinny jeans and my Doc Martens. I apply my make-up (heavy on the eyeliner as always) and a fuck-ton of earrings and a couple spikes.
As I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen to get some breakfast before I head to the impending doom that is high school I see a note on the counter. 'Be home at ten, dinner's in the fridge – Mom'. Well fucking great, now I'll have to cook. You know, maybe I'll go eat with Jesse.
I grab my favourite, Lucky Charms (yes I am an eight year old), and pour myself a bowl, add some milk, get a spoon and start eating. I turn on the radio, ready to mock whatever shit is on. But the song isn't terrible. Something by All Time Low.
Heading out the door, I put on my headphones so I can at least relax a little before school. It's really not that bad most of the time. Lessons are ok, apart from Geography which is a pain in my ass. Does maternity leave turn a teacher into a bitch or was she like that before? Who knows?
As I'm walking down my road, I'm startled by a tap on my shoulder. Get ready to hook 'em Mitchell.
But she's surprised when she turns round and sees bright baby blue, cerulean eyes and soft red hair in curls. Holy crap this girl is hot.
"Hi I was just wondering if you know the way to Barden High, it's my first day." the redhead asked. She seemed friendly enough. Wait, she was the new girl!
"Uh, y-yeah, I'm walking there now. I'm Beca." I reped, rather proud of herself for not fucking up the conversation just yet.
The girl grinned. Her smile was beautiful. "I'm Chloe." We both stood there until I gestured to the pavement.
"Just to warn you, there'll be a kid called Bumper. Avoid him at all costs, he's your standard jock bully. Oh, and don't sit inside. There's food on the floor, you'll probably slip and you don't want that, especially on your first day." Beca spoke to Chloe, giving her advice.
"Thanks. You got some nice headphones there, what were you listening to before I made you talk to me?" Chloe smiled softly. She was also wearing skinny jeans, bleached ones, a leather jacket and a cute little shirt.
I shrugged. "Oh, ya know, some Relient K, Switchfoot, Blink-182."
Chloe seemed confused.
"Who now?" Chloe asked. How could she not know who Blink-182 are?
I stood there, gaping. "You seriously have never heard of them?" she shook her head. "Alright, I'll list some artists, lets see if you've heard of any." It went on and on. Chloe had heard of Panic! At The Disco, Fall Out Boy and Paramore but isn't a huge fan.
"What do you like then?" her eyes grow wide as does her smile.
"Taylor Swift," I bite my lip at this. "Demi Lovato, 5 Seconds of Summer, twenty one pilots," I cut her off with a squeal.
"You like twenty one pilots? I love twenty one pilots. Oh my God, I can't believe you like them!" I turn into a smiling idiot.
"Well, I'm a mysterious girl." she winks at me, causing me to blush.
"In all fairness, Taylor Swift is catchy as fuck, Demi's ok, but 5 Seconds of Summer is a no. It's like pop punk that you watered down so much, it completely lost the punk and just became a boy band. Only difference is, one has funky hair." Chloe laughs, causing me to smile. And then she says something I really don't expect.
"You're cute." I don't know what to say. A beautiful girl that I'm starting to crush on says that to me, I say the first thing that comes into my head.
"You too." and Chloe blushes. I made her frickin' blush. So I do something I've never done before. Feel confident.
"D'you wanna hang out later? We can go grab some food or something?" I ask, unsure of what her answer will be. Shit, this was a bad idea. You just met this girl, she doesn't wanna do anything with you!
"I'd love that. I-I mean, that'd be cool." I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank God.
"Okay then. I'll see ya round Red." I grin, not caring about the shitty Calculus I have first period.
"You might." she winks. I really could get use to that, I think, as I make my way over to Jesse.
I'm back! I've had family over for the holiday and I didn't really have time to write, sorry about that. I haven't abandoned my other story, don't worry, I just felt that I had to put my feelings on paper and start a story. So, hope you liked it, review please :)