Chapter 1
Jake whined as soon as he reached the barn. "I don't get it. How come I always die in the fanfics?"
Rachel rolled her eyes and kept going through her fan mail. "'Dear Rachel. You are very beautiful. I love the way your eyes shine and theway you're always so gung ho all the time.' Oh, that's so sweet." She raised her eyes to Tobias. "I think you have some competition," she said sweetly, with a matching smile.
"Look at the picture," Tobias encouraged her.
Rachel frowned and looked at him. He had a small smile, as if he knew something. She looked at the overturned picture and turned it over.
"Oh, sick!" she screamed, and with that she threw the picture down and went to go get Cassie.
Tobias snickered. "No more reading love notes from fans for her," he muttered. He went back to reading one from a model/actress. He studied the photo that was included.
Cassie came in, ignoring Rachel while the tall blond described what the photo had been. She went over to a cage. "Here, skunkie wunkie," she coaxed.
Jake made a face. "Hey, Cassie," he called. "I'm over here."
Rachel stopped talking and looked at him, as did Tobias. They shook their heads slowly. "What?" Jake asked defensively. "I'm the leader, here, so cut it out."
Rachel and Tobias continued to gape, but looked the other way.
Meanwhile, Marco came in, lugging a huge sack of fan mail to sort out.
He saw Cassie talking to the skunk. "Here, skunkie wunkie. It's okay."
The skunk began to creep towards her. Marco couldn't resist himself. He crept behind her.
Cassie raised her hand out to the skunk. She raised her voice and started speaking in baby talk. "Come on, skunkie wunkie," Marco froze for a moment and looked at Jake questioningly with a look that obviously said, "Doesn't she call you that?" Jake shrugged it off.
Marco raised his arm and puckered his lips. "Come on, skunkie wunkie," he mouthed.
"Oh, it's okay," Cassie addressed the skunk. "Look, I have some food for you." The skunk crept closer and Cassie managed to get the pill into it's mouth. Marco imitated her perfectly, at least until the very end. Then he made a hugging motion as if he were hugging the skunk, mouthing, "I'm gonna love you forever and ever, and hug you, and love you, and feed you, and-"
Cassie turned and saw Marco hugging a pocket of air and mouthing something. "What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously.
"Nothing," Marco said as he snapped out of it and stuck his hands behind his back.
"It looked to me like you were imitating me. Maybe even making fun of me?" She looked at him.
Meanwhile, the skunk realized it had been tricked into swallowing a pill and began stomping it's front paws.
Marco thought for a few minutes. Finally he faced everyone- his audience. "The force is strong in this one," he said.
Tobias shook his head. How had he ended up with these people?
Cassie shook her head also. "Marco, Marco, Marco," she muttered.
"What?" he asked innocently.
He heard a hissing sound and felt something hit him. Then he became aware of a very, very bad smell.
Cassie started laughing.
Rachel wrinkled up her nose. "Oh my Good Lord," she said.
Tobias shook his head, once again wondering what he was doing her with these people.
Cassie fell to the ground, still laughing.
Jake sat on a bale of hay, in deep thought. "I still don't get it. Why can't someone else ever die in the stupid fanfics?"
Chapter 2
Rachel waved her hand in front of her face. "Geez, Marco. I always knew you smelled bad, but this."
"Shut up," Marco snapped. He adjusted the clothespin on his nose.
"Maybe I can tell someone that it's a perfume," he said thoughtfully.
Rachel nodded. "Really cheap perfume," she added.
"And why are we always Star Fleet people?" Jake wondered.
Cassie rolled her eyes. "Can we get out of here? I need to get the animals out before they die of the stench."
"You mean they don't whenever Marco is in there as himself?" Rachel asked.
"A few have passed out," Cassie explained, "but none have died. Yet."
Tobias stood up. "I count as an animal, I'm getting out." He left, for once glad that he was a nothlit.
The girls looked at Marco. "Hey, don't look at me. If I get close to those things, I'd kill them, probably. Plus, I know tree-huggers wouldn't like that. I think it would be safer if I just left."
"Fine," Cassie muttered. "Leave. Do that then. And don't come back until you get rid of the smell." She looked at Jake. "Skunkie wunkie?"
Jake made a face and was brought part way out of his thoughts. "Don't call me that. Ever. Again."
"Okay. I won't call you that if you help us get the animals outside."
Jake consented and picked up a cage. "And how come Tobias is everybody's favorite? What about the things a leader has to give up? And how come I can't be an only kid? I mean, wouldn't that be a lot more interesting? Boy all alone with no one to turn to?"
"That's Tobias's job," Rachel told him.
"Yeah, well, I think we should trade places for a while. And how come Cassie always, always lives? I mean, the rest of us always die, but Cassie is safe and sound."
"Yeah," wondered Rachel. "Why does Cassie always live?" She looked at Cassie.
"What?" Cassie asked innocently. They continued to stare at her. Finally, she rolled her eyes and set down the cage. "Look, you can't tell. It's supposed to be as great big secret, okay?" The other two nodded. Cassie undid a pin on her shirt, where it was hidden by her overalls. "It's this pin. 'Never to be killed in a fanfic' or something like that. The author of this fanfic gave it to me."
"This is a fanfic!" Rachel cried in anger. "We're stuck in a fanfic again?!" Then she paused. "How come you get a pin?"
Cassie shrugged and took the pin back, putting it back on her shirt. "It's no big deal, really." She picked up the cage and whisked away with it. "It's just for being everyone's favorite Animorph."
Jake and Rachel stared at each other. "Everyone's favorite Animorph?" they echoed together. They watched as Cassie walked proudly away.
"Stupid fanfics," Jake muttered.
Chapter 3
When they walked outside, Ax was there, talking to Marco, who had torn his fan mail bag and was trying to pick up the envelopes and talk to Ax at the same time.
But I do not understand, Ax, as an Andalite, said. What store did you get this perfume from?
"I told you, Ax," Marco said in a tired voice. "I got it from Cassie."
I refuse to believe Cassie's taste is that bad, Ax responded.
"Ax?" Jake asked.
Yes, Prince Jake?
"How come you never die in the fanfics?"
Does this offend you?
"Tell me the truth, Ax," Jake said in his leader voice.
Ax's chest expanded. I only read the ones where I live.
"How do you know whether you live or not?"
You forget, Prince Jake, I control the AximiliNet.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot." Ax had recently bought the entire Internet with the money he had gathered from being famous and changed its name.
Marco, ready for a distraction, fumbled around in his pile of fan mail. "Hey, look at this package," he said. He took it out and unwrapped it. It was a mirror. Marco took a few moments to admire his beautiful reflection before reading the note. "'Marco, I love you so much I simply can't bear it any longer. I thought I would give you the opportunity to see the most beautiful thing in the world. You.'" He looked at himself in the mirror again and flashed himself a smile. "Yep. Marco, you have mojo, the life force. The babes."
"Isn't that you're handwriting?" Rachel asked, looking at the letter.
"No," Marco said lamely.
"And look!" Jake exclaimed. "It even has your address listed as the return address!" He glared at Marco. "Cheater."
"Oh! Look!" said Marco, digging in the pile again. "This is some of K.A.'s mail. I guess I'll just have to go give it to her."
"I'll come too," Jake said. "I'll see if she can keep me from dying in those stupid fanfics."
"I'll come!" Tobias practically shouted. "I want my own book!" he explained.
Ax bristled. Well, in that case, I want my own book. Shorm, my foot.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Shorm are supposed to share, Ax told him.
"I share," Tobias countered. "Think of all those Cinnabons..."
Ax thought. Well...
"I'm coming," said Cassie from behind them. "I want to know why I always end up as a psycho who always over dramatizes things in those fanfics. I hope this isn't one of them," she addressed the author.
"Well, it's better than being dead," Jake told her.
"Like I care about you dying. I go insane all the time."
"You don't care about me dying?" Jake asked, hurt.
Cassie stuck her hand out palm down and turned it from side to side. "I wouldn't loose sleep over it," she informed him.
Jake pouted.
"Well if everyone else if going, I'm going." Rachel shrugged. "Let's do it."
"Oh, boy," Marco muttered. "That's never good. Never good at all."
Chapter 4
"Hey guys. What can I do for you?"
The Animorphs and Ax walked into Ms. Applegate's office. Actually, it was more like her bedroom, with clothes thrown around everywhere and covering the bed.
Rachel looked around at the clothes in disgust. "Girl, I have got to take you shopping. Two words. Ralph. Lauren."
Ms. Applegate smiled politely and turned around so no one could hear her say, "My God. I've created a monster."
I heard that, Tobias told her.
Ms. Applegate smiled politely at him and turned around once more. "My God. I've created two monsters. Forgive me."
Heard that too, Tobias said proudly.
This time Ms. Applegate just glared at him.
"So, uh, Katherine," Marco said in his business-tone of voice. "We have received some of your mail, and we took it upon ourselves to return it to you."
"Thank you," said Ms. Applegate. What had she done? She had unleashed these people into the world! What had she DONE!
"And also-" began Jake.
Ms. Applegate tried to hide her dismay. Here we go again. What could it be with the fanfics this time?
"I was wondering why I always died in the fanfics."
Ms. Applegate smiled politely, with just a hint of evil. "I can't control what the authors of fanfics write, Jake. You know that."
"Yeah, I know. It's just, well. A guy can only die so many times, right?"
I wish, Ms. Applegate thought. Instead she just shrugged.
Could I have my own book? Tobias asked.
"Well-" she began.
Yes. And could I have mine? Ax added.
"That-" she began again.
It's just that we're tired of taking turns.
"I-"
We're tired of sharing, Ax corrected.
"Um-"
Oh yeah? Well I'm tired of being shorm with you!
"Hello?"
Ax gasped. Yes? Well, I am sick of having a nephew who's a nothlit. And not just any nothlit- A bird. An ugly bird.
"Hi-"
Well, I'm tired of having an uncle who's an alien freak!
"ALL RIGHT!" Ms. Applegate practically screamed and jumped up. "I'll see what I can do," she told them.
"I was wondering why I was a psycho, you know, always 'Boohoo, I'm scared to fight in fanfics," Cassie explained.
"I can't control-"
"But-"
"No buts."
Ax turned his stalk eyes and looked at his back. I have one, he reported.
Ms. Applegate smiled but didn't say anything. What had she done? Oh, good Lord. What had she done?
She turned to Rachel. "Do you want anything?"
Rachel looked around. "Besides taking you shopping..."
"Okay. Subject change!" Ms. Applegate announced happily. She loved to shop, but shopping with Rachel was too much. "I thinking about creating a new character!"
Jake made a face. "Another David? Remember how that turned out?"
Ms. Applegate nodded and typed a few things on her computer. Hopefully, it would destroy them once and for all. Stupid fanfics. She'd show 'em. Suddenly, a huge golden lion appeared out of nowhere in the room.
"Isn't that Aslan? From the Chronicles of Narnia?" Cassie asked softly.
The lion wheeled around and faced Ms. Applegate.
"What have you done to bring me here, Daughter of Eve?" he asked in a strong voice.
"Bad... Breath..." Ms. Applegate murmured. Then she passed out.
Chapter 5
"Welcome to the club," Jake greeted Aslan.
"I shall not stay for long, Son of Adam."
"Son of Adam," Marco mouthed, rolling his eyes.
"This is the world of men; I belong in the world of beasts, but someone shall always take my place. Do not fear."
He disappeared and two people took his place. One was a woman with a miniskirt and styled red hair and long legs. Marco whistled. The other wore the usual business suit attire.
The man looked around. "Scully. I think we've-"
"What, Mulder? What is it this time? Have we been taken aboard an alien spaceship like that?" She snapped her fingers.
Mulder shrugged.
Marco shrugged too. "It happened to the president," he said.
Now it was Mulder's turn to snap his fingers. He looked at Scully with a triumphant grin. "I knew it."
Suddenly they disappeared and a small man took his place. He wasn't even three and a half feet high, but the green hat with the clover sticking out of it made him look taller. He was dressed completely in green, and when he spoke, it was with a thick Irish accent. "Blimey!" he exclaimed. "I do say!"
"Have you ever heard of the Yeerks?" Rachel asked.
The leprechaun made a face. "Rightly so I 'ave, kiddie." Now Rachel made a face. The leprechaun went on. "They're always after me lucky charms."
He disappeared too. He was replaced by a boy and girl.
"Who're you?" Jake asked, crossing his arms.
The boy pointed to himself. "I'm Hardy. That's Laurel."
"You have got to be kidding me," Cassie muttered. "Hardy and Laurel? The Hardy and Laurel?"
Just so you know, Hardy and Laurel are my cousins. Sorry. I couldn't resist. Not the Hardy and Laurel, of course. But- well, you know what I mean. My aunt and uncle made a mistake when they named them.
Before Hardy had time to answer, Laurel had rushed up to Cassie. "You're Cassie, aren't you? Omigosh. You are, like, my favorite of all the Animorphs in the whole entire world!" She squealed with delight. She kept going on about how great it was.
Meanwhile, Cassie was muttering, "Please disappear. Please disappear." She looked up towards the ceiling. "Is this what was supposed to happen?" she asked the author, me, of course.
Suddenly, a huge pen appeared in the room and wrote on the wall.
"Heh heh heh," Tobias read. "Hey! That isn't even real English!"
"It is now," I wrote. And instantly, it appeared in all the dictionaries.
"Can't you take these kids away?" begged Rachel. Laurel had moved on to her.
"No way. I need a break."
Rachel shook her head. "Just like a coward."
"Darn right," I answered.
Meanwhile, Jake had wandered over to Ms. Applegate's laptop. "Uh-oh."
"More trouble?!" Rachel asked in disbelief.
"They've kidnapped the tooth fairy."
Who? Tobias asked.
"The Yeerks."
"The Yeerks have the tooth fairy?!" Laurel squealed. "But what will kids do with all their teeth? No one would take them! We wouldn't get any money for our teeth!" Laurel was obviously petrified.
"I see your point," Marco agreed. "I have this baby tooth, right heah." He stuck his hand in his mouth to wiggle a tooth in the very back. "And by gum, I want money for it. That tooth has put me through too much for me not to get anything."
"She's being held at the Yeerk pool," Jake said. Then he got that dreamy look in his eyes. "Why is the tooth fairy a she, anyway? I mean, are guys not fit to be fairies?"
Cassie explained. "Men don't look good in tights."
"Oh."