Chapter 1 : Why weren't you here?
by poojaicp
As I lay back on my bed, I can't help but smile. Smile at the thought of my baby. I stroke my slightly bulged out belly involuntarily, thinking about my little girl. She kicked. For the first time ever.
A single tear rolls down my cheek. But I just can not lift my hand to wipe it, from my belly where my angel resides. Why do I need to anyway? It is the tear of my happiness. The biggest one till now. In my whole life, actually.
I realise my baby is growing up in there. Soon she will be out of my uterus. Of course she will always remain in my heart but I'm definitely going to miss being pregnant. In just little over four months, I am going to get a little someone who I will love more than I have loved anyone. Whom I already love more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. More than my own Parents. More than my friends. More than any of my boyfriends. Hell, even more than myself.
I chuckle at the thought. Who would have thought the oh-so self-centered head cheerleader would be having a baby, that too alone? Not me I'll say.
I remember the moment again. Her first kick. I froze at first, due to an unusual feeling in my stomach. Another kick and I was already smiling. It felt as if she was trying to tell me that she is here. Well.. not technically, but soon she will be. And I do not have to feel lonely. Ever. The kick that gave me a reassurance that I will have someone to love. Always. The kick that made me realise that I will have a reason to live, that I'm not aimless and my life has a purpose.
Wow.. so that is what it feels like. Love. Motherly love. The purest, most ethereal love anyone can feel for anyone. I feel it. I feel it now. More than ever. I knew I was having these changes in myself when I found out I was pregnant. This kick has only hightened my emotions. And I got to share this beautiful moment with... Joey?
The thought saddens me. My little girl kicked for the first time and her father was not even there to share it with me. Why wasn't he here? Oh yeah right.. It is in the middle of the night and he does not live with me.
Another tear rolls down my cheek. This time of sadness. Emptiness. A moment so important for both of the parents, and he missed it. Sure, she would kick again and he might even be there with me the next time, but isn't the first time the most special?
If only things were simple. If only we were living together. If only we were.. together. If only we could make it right. Just for once. Not for me. Not for him. But for the baby. OUR baby.
I smile at the thought. I go back to the night this little angel was conceived. He was so sweet, so giving, so tender with me that night. But then.. he always was all of those things. Even when I didn't pay attention to him. Even when he was just my friend. Even when I broke up with him. Even when I did the most stupid of things when he was with any other girls.
I remember the next morning. Hearing from him that it was better not to go down that road again put a knot in my stomach. Seeing him gather his things so that no one could find out about our 'night' ached me a lot. Feeling the brush of his lips against mine that morning, possibly for the last time, broke my heart a little. It was almost like losing any chance with him again. Ever. But at the same time, gaining something. Something way more important than anything I have ever experienced. Only on the eve of Monica and Chandler's wedding did those thoughts got an explanation. The blue stick. Positive. I was going to have a baby. Ross' baby. And that thought alone made it ten times easier to deal with my situation. I mean.. It is Ross!
I get up from the bed and walk the small distance to the kitchen to have some water. I pour myself a glass and walk over to the window. I look right across the road. The window to his apartment. It is dark. Of course. He must have been asleep. But is he alone? Is Mona at his side?
I cringe at the thought. I can't help but think that it should be me. With him. Not her. So that I get to share many of the firsts of our daughter with him. My him? Maybe..
"Hey Rach what are you doing up so late?" I hear Joey's voice and break the chain of my never ending thoughts. I wipe my eyes before turning around.
"Nothing, I just couldn't sleep you know.. I was thinking about when she kicked" I say keeping a hand on my belly.
"It was almost real" His eyes lit up like a child. I give him a look. "You know what I mean" He shrugged. Typical, Joey. He walked to where I was standing and said "I'm just glad I got the chance to witness that moment" I give him a faint smile thinking it should have been Ross. Joey moved to have a glass of water himself and went back to sleep.
I glance at the window across the street one more time. I was about to turn around and go back to my bedroom when I see the lights go on. And then I see him. The father of my baby.
I see him walking around with a glass of water and coming straight to his window. He looks up in the sky. He was always the one to love the beauty of it. The stillnes and serenity of the night were peaceful to him, as once he told me. The moon. The stars. Oh, the stars! I smile as I think back to the events of the planetarium. That night I really thought that was it. Ross was it. No other man out there was better for me. Being in his arms and holding him in mine felt right beyond perfection. That night I never thought I'd be having these thoughts at this very moment.
I see him again. He's looking over here. I got so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even get to know when he looked down from the sky, straight at my apartment. Can he see me? No.. it's dark in here. He couldn't possibly...
I feel like we're staring deep into each other's eyes. How he used to tell me he loved my aqua. How I used to lose myself in those big brown puppy eyes. Those eyes were once mine. He was once mine. For one whole year. Blissful!
I look down as she kicks again. I smile. She must have felt that her Mommy was looking at her Daddy. I see his lips curling upwards. Well the road is not that wide, it is pretty easy to notice the details. Oh, God. He is looking right at me. That familiar feeling. I feel butterflies in my stomach. He waves to me. My smile grows wider and I wave back. He pats his stomach to ask me about the baby. I stroke my belly and show him a thumbs up to let him know she is fine.
He goes back to his bedroom. His move saddens me. He comes back though, with a phone. He looks at me knowingly. Understanding the meaning, I look for the phone. I find it on the barca lounger. As I go back to the window, it rings.
"Hey you" I smile when he says those words. Our signature greeting. At least, that would never change, even if we did.. or did we?
"Hi"
"How are you?" His voice so soft.
"Good. You?"
"Alone"
"Where's Mona?" I don't know why I ask that.
"At her place. She had to work late" He explains.
"Why are you up anyway?" I ask.
"Couldn't sleep actually. I mean.. I woke up when I got the feeling of missing something, you know. Like I forgot to do something" He explains. I can't help but to think - Yes. You did miss something. Your daughter kicking for the first time. And you were not even here. Why Ross? How did we get there? If only I could ask him these questions aloud.
"What about you?" He asks, bringing me back to reality.
"Huh" I didn't understand.
"Why are you up so late? I know how you love to sleep" His words bring a faint smile on my face. "So whatcha thinking? You sacrifice your sleep on if something's bothering you" He knows me so well. And yet... I shook my head, closing my eyes.
"What is it?" He asks again. I open my eyes and look at him briefly for a few moments.
"It should have been you"
I blurt out surprising myself. My words confuse him. I hang up the phone. I didn't look back at him and went to bed.