A/N: I just thought of this, enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, any of the lyrics or the movie lines, etc.
Russian and Movie Lines
Harry was walking along a dark Knockturn alley, what he was doing there at midnight I'll never know. Anyway, he was knocked out by a blow to the head from what I think was a white/blonde haired man, namely Lucius Malfoy. So, Harry woke up on the wet, hard floor of Knockturn alley at 5am. And…oh, great, a bird had come and crapped on him during the night.
Harry was about to go home…but wait a minute…where was home? Where was he?
"Ya soshla s uma!!!!!" Harry yelled. (I've lost my mind!!!!!) What? He could only sing…and only in Russian.
---
Voldemort had been in a zoo looking at some pink flamingos when he was bashed on the head by one of the members of the Order. They took him away and, just like the Men In Black, erased his memory. They had 2 reasons for this. 1. It would hopefully stop him causing trouble and 2. The Death Eaters just did this to Harry, so they can do it to Voldemort.
"Oh my god!" Voldemort said in a voice just like Peter's from Family Guy. Now he could only quote movie lines…
---
"Ya t'eper tvoi vrag!!!!" Harry screamed at Voldemort. (You're my enemy now!!!!!). Voldemort had grown his hair recently using special hair products like Sunsilk and Garnier.
"I have soft and bouncy hair," he said.
"Mal'chik gey!" (gay boy!).
"Oh no you didn't!" Voldemort cast a random spell at Harry.
---
Harry later met up with Hagrid. Who revealed that there was a woman who could help Harry get his memory back.
"Mne nuzha ona!!!!!!!!!" Harry yelled. (I need her!!!!!!!!!!!)
"I said there was a woman. She's dead now." Harry gave Hagrid an evil stare.
---
Voldemort walked up to a poor innocent woman.
"I have a licence to kill." He informed her. Then he tried to use the avada kerdava curse, but he couldn't. So instead he shot her with a limited edition James Bond gun. Then Voldemort was trying hard to do the killing curse for the sake of it. He found that yelling it worked – oh yeah, he yelled it on Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire…
---
Harry soon noticed that there was this weird man following him.
"hsdhfsdhvnjxvuu," the man said.
"Pochemu? Pochemu?" Harry said. (Why? Why?)
"hiya Hay Pot. I wid you follwo." At least that sounded more like English.
"Pochemu ya s toboi," Harry said to the man. (Why I'm with you).
---
Harry lost the man by going into a shop that sold robots. There was big ones and little ones. Some looked like animals, some were just plain weird. Then he went over to this man who was doing a little show with one of the robots.
"Robota lyublyu," Harry said. (I love robot)
---
"Would you like an ice cream my Lord?" Bellatrix asked. Voldemort nodded. Then she handed him a double chocolate chip one.
"Thank you," he said in a rather ungrateful way. But it wasn't his fault; it was a line from a film.
---
"Doschitay, doschitay, doschitay do sta," Harry told Voldemort. (Count, count, count until 100).
"Am I bothered??? Go on ask me if I'm bothered," Voldemort said. He refused to count.
"Doschitay!" Harry screamed.
"Uno, dos, tres!" Voldemort yelled like a Spanish wrestler.
---
"Obezyanka!!!" Harry yelled.
"How very dare you?! What on Earth are you insinuating?!" Voldemort asked. Harry shrugged his shoulders. Voldemort just realised that this voice in his head understood the Russian, but he didn't. Voldemort got a board out and wrote 'what?' on it. Harry mouthed the word 'monkey' and pranced around like one too. Voldemort has steam coming out of his ears.
"Ne prosi," Harry begged. (Do not battle). But it was too late, Harry was alight.
---
Harry was walking around the great hall when he saw Cho. The voice in his head took over. He walked up to Cho and…begun to sing…
"Pokazhi mne lyubov'!!!!!!!" (Show me love!!!!!). OMG! He was so busted if she found out what that meant…
---
While Harry was telling Cho how much he loved her, Voldemort was busy finding Death Eaters.
"The force is strong with you," he said to a short man. Then he came across a young boy.
"I am your father," he said. The boy laughed – it was Harry! Voldemort punched him in the face.
---
Harry went to one of them gay pride events… Hmm…this is bound to be bad. He saw a woman with extremely short hair wearing a leather jacket and many piercings.
"Trudno byt' mal'chikom, esli ty – devochka," Harry said. (It's hard to be a boy when you're a girl). Then he found a drag queen. He didn't even look like a woman! It was well bad. Harry laughed and laughed until he was finally able to sing.
"Trudno byt' devochkoi, esli ty - mal'chik." Harry laughed some more after too. (It's hard to be a girl when you're a boy).
---
Harry was wondering round the forbidden forest when he came across a squirrel. It was SO cute!!!! So of course, you've guessed it, he sung to it.
"A…a mozhet ya budu Belochkoi?" he asked the squirrel. (And…and maybe I should be a little squirrel?). The squirrel gave him the weirdest look ever then ran away.
---
In the distance Harry could see a figure… It was Voldemort…and…he was CRYING!!! Harry laughed at the man.
"SHUT UP!!!" Voldemort yelled. "Wait…I…can speak normally… YES!!!!"
"Then I can too!!!!" Harry sung. "Ah-hem, I mean, I can too." Finally they were cured. "I can remember everything too, Hogwarts is my home and you…you killed my parents!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!" Then Harry chased Voldemort…
THE END
A/N: The end. All the Russian lyrics were taken from songs by t.A.T.u. The movie lines were random, some Family Guy and I suppose you've guessed that a few were Star Wars. Please review. Owari!