All I have to say is sorry and I hope I managed to make it at least decent and not mess it up because now I read it all over again and I'm terrified it's not good enough or has a bunch of mistakes (My first language is French, not English!) or that the characters are too much out of character. I also did some research but I mostly wrote so I could finally write it and get the idea out of my mind so it might not be a hundred percent accurate. So don't expect too much. Thank you!
Please let me know what you think of it all! If there are some very awful mistakes feel free to send me a message so I can correct it, please don't do it in the reviews! Send me a message!
It would be better if you are up to date with the show to read this. Season 3 spoilers. Also this is the "new" team –Daisy, Mack, FitzSimmons, May and Coulson.
I hate putting trigger warnings sometimes as it kinds of spoils the whole idea of the fic reaching the climax and the mystery and everything as the readers already know what exactly is happening, they know what to expect. For everyone who was from my Tumblr AOS-Imagine blog, you already know what to expect. Sorry... For those who wish to skip right into the fic because they're like me and would rather stay confused like the rest of the team and really follow then skip ahead after the line. Like skip right now to after the line I'm going to write a few things and names so it is not right away obvious and it gets lost in the rest of the text. If you wish to know the trigger warning, keep reading. So the trigger warning is nothing in the sense of self-harm or rape and all but knowing how sickness and diseases can be a very touchy subject I chose to put a trigger warning for it. I will be talking of cancer and it is Agent May who has cancer but she will have Coulson's support of course and she will change through the fic in a somewhat drastic way and FitzSimmons try to help and Daisy and Mack do their best too. Sorry for the ending.
Feel free to send me reviews and messages and you can visit my AOS-Imagine blog here! : blog/aos-imagine
Thank you!
Someday
No one noticed until it was too late.
Everyone blamed it on the previous mission, the plan not going as they wanted to and barely making it out of the building alive.
At first no one wanted to go. They hated the fact that they had to resonate not with one, not with two, but with six Inhumans who had nearly destroyed the whole district where they lived. Four brothers and two sisters accidentally became Inhumans and were now on a rampage, thanks to the fish oil that everyone thought was finally clear. Instead of doing good, they decided to use their new powers to get rid of everyone who made fun of them in the past. They lived in a rough part of town, so nearly everyone there had done some bad things in their life, so they were now trying to clear up the whole place. At first it was only past bullies, but once they were done they moved on to the people who had done at least one bad thing in their life; even stealing a pencil by accident. They also got rid of anyone who tried getting in their ways, wanting to prevent them any more deaths.
Of course though, the team couldn't simply refuse the mission. They had to go.
"People are blind because of perfection." Coulson started. The team needed a good motivational speech before leaving. He spoke his mind as they got ready. "No matter how good someone is at something, all they see is what they can't do. If they're good at something, it isn't the right thing or they are not doing it right. It seems to be in the human's nature to search for these flaws instead of seeking the great things in one. They use that information to crush people and make fun of them. They feel superior, they feel better about themselves, but they don't realize how much they've hurt that person. Thing is, not everyone seems to understand that if they could stop being so critical, everything would be a whole lot easier. Look at the problem it is causing now. We have six Inhumans who are going mad. We can make them feel important by bringing them here. They could actually be of very good help if they could cooperate."
Phil stared at the screen where they could see all the damages that has been caused, and what was happening too. "People nowadays live in constant fear, not realizing that they shouldn't live to be afraid or that they are not born only to have enemies. Though, even the government lives in this fear, which terrifies the citizens." The Director continued as he turned his head back to look at his team. He was surprised that everyone was actually listening to what he was saying. "Inhumans, Hydra, they are even afraid of the Avengers and us, S.H.I.E.L.D., who are there to help. Everything is a competition, a war, a conflict, even people or countries are considered 'enemies' all around the world and this gives exaggerated reasons for people to protect themselves. People with powers will use their powers to defend themselves against humans who on their sides are using weapons of mass destruction. Peace will never exist because of people's mentalities. Everyone knows that no one will stop being selfish, that they would rather look away than learn how to love the people living on the same planet as them, powers or not. So you guys are going to put some sense into the six of them, and you will drag them here so we can show them that not all hopes are gone, yet. That it's not too late for them to join us and make this world a better place. Because obviously no one else will."
It's on these wise words that the team left on the Quinjet to go right into the field.
Barely anyone made it out alive. Not only was it gory and complicated on the field, but the family of Inhumans involved refused to cooperate. Dead bodies of too many innocent people were lying on the road and they did their best not to stop themselves at this, they couldn't do anything for them but they could help whoever was still alive.
They even pushed Daisy away violently, down a set of stairs when she tried to approach them to prove that S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn't do any harm, as she was Inhuman herself. That they can help if they chose to join and they could even stay together.
They ended in an apartment building, the family threatening to bring it down if they did not leave them alone. Running up the stairs became a challenge for May who was badly injured from one of the brothers throwing her into a brick wall. It took some time before she came back to her senses, standing up again before running in to join everyone.
They came to the conclusion that keeping them locked up together was a terrible idea. They could easily team up to escape, but they would find a way to keep them separated until they chose to help, or at least calm down. Fitz was already calling Coulson to tell him he needed to find a way to lock them up separately as they did not have the room back at the base.
Mack managed to get a hold of the eldest brother. Jemma tried explaining to them what would happen if they chose to simply follow them instead of staying here. That if they kept fighting they would end up in a cell forever. But one of the sisters tried freeing her brother but accidently hit him instead of Mack who was physically restraining him. It sent the brother to the ground, screaming as he suffered, painfully melting down like he was suddenly made out of ice. The whole team was shocked; especially Mack who tried swiping off the remaining of the liquid human body on his clothes, seeing some burn marks on his arms and glad he did not suffer the same fate. The youngest growled like a beast and impulsively attacked his sister who disappeared into ashes… then they simply went at it until the entire family killed one another.
It awkwardly ended the mission with everyone somewhat disappointed that they could not save them, but also glad that it saved them a lot of trouble as they were already drained out of all their energy. All of the S.H.I.E.L.D. team was injured, but they stood until the end, fighting until the Inhumans stopped themselves. Even Coulson who gave orders from a safe zone to keep control over the whole situation had a hard time keeping track of everything. The whole team was glad the mission was over. Seemed like they did not need the six different cells in the end.
Everyone took some well deserved rest and promised each other not to go back on a mission until they were back on their feet.
May was surprised she somehow managed to stay out of Death's hands. Though she knew something wasn't right before the mission. She would sometimes feel dizzy, frequently got headaches, getting worse as time went by and she had troubles sleeping. It was fairly obvious that it was not as simple as she wished; and it was not some problems caused by the mission.
It started worrying her when she had to stop whatever she was doing so she could really think and focus over little things. Remembering the name of weapons they often used became a challenge. She even stuttered when saying normal sentences, something that had never been a problem before.
She was sitting with Coulson in his office, talking about the mission and the outcomes when it hit her.
"I wa-as thi-inking about the… hum…" She frowned. May did realize before she had been stuttering, but it never had been this bad. It truly was out of the ordinary as she usually was too proud to stumble on such easy words and usually remembered everything. "Mission. The mission. The gun… the… it would've been useful, the…"
It caught the Director's attention after she said the very first syllables. He had known her for years now and it was the first time he ever heard her stutter this badly. "May, are you sure you are alright?" Coulson asked, clearly concerned.
She shrugged, suddenly seeming more distant than she was only a few seconds ago. Coulson knew. And it annoyed her. But there was no point in hiding it. "Yes, I'm fine. It's the Night… The Night-Night pistol."
"The Night-Night pistol?" Coulson repeated as in to make sure it was really what she meant.
May nodded. "It would have been useful, in this scenario. I believe we should… keep at least one in the Quinjet. If we work with Inhumans who refuse to cooperate which I am persuaded will happen again, they won't destroy anything else once we arrive. Today, even our presence did not prevent any problems." She rested her elbow on the desk in front of her and rubbed her head with her hand, trying to figure out what just happened, closing her eyes to hide the distress she felt.
Coulson did not pay attention at all to what she just said. "Perhaps you are sick? A cold or something. It might trigger the stuttering. You're done for today so go get some rest" he suggested instead of taking drastic measures and run some tests. He doubted it was more than a cold or anything that could make her … not act like herself. They had no mission planned and she did have a headache, so she promised to get some rest; it wouldn't hurt to do so for once and take it easy. She walked out without saying a single word, but the Director knew it meant she would listen for once. He did keep a close eye on her, making sure she was recovering and not the opposite.
Few days went by and she thought she was fine again. The only exception was for the headaches. In the morning they were horrible but it always seemed to get better after her tai-chi sessions. She did not make a big deal out of it. She was not getting enough rest, falling asleep late, and it never was a good restful night; she always slept too lightly. She promised herself she would simply go to bed earlier, not wanting to start drinking coffee for a lack of sleep she could easily fix. She much preferred feeling tired than having to endure the horrid taste of bitter watered beans once a day.
It was rather calm at the base. They restarted going on missions, short and easy ones. Other than missions, they did a lot of clean up. They could finally take care of the place and spend some time relaxing. May could be on her own and not have to worry about Inhumans slowly destroying this crazy world. At this point, the team enjoyed some time separately where they could simply focus on themselves.
After Coulson, Daisy was the next one who truly started worrying.
Being less alert to danger and not having to worry about the sudden missions being thrown at them random times during the day also meant that the rest of the team started noticing how Agent May has been acting strange lately. They no longer needed to pay attention to see how she was; they couldn't ignore her state anymore. Compared to everyone else who was slowly getting better, she seemed to have gotten from bad to worse during the same resting days.
A kick to the left and a kick to the right, punch block and last thing she knew she was on the ground. While the Supervising Officer and the protégée were training, Daisy easily managed to knock down Agent May, which never happened before. She usually pulled up a fight and it took forever to even touch May. The Cavalry could easily throw her to the ground a numerous amount of times before she hit it herself. The only way Daisy could trap May is if she'd used her powers, but this time she did not need them. May was the first down.
"I was not ready" May claimed, but it did not make any sense as they had been fighting for a little while now. Daisy raised a brow and May sighed "I'm fine" she groaned.
"Are you sure you're fine..? I did kick your head and you fell rather hard on the ground…" the youngest pointed out, trying to find a good excuse for May to use. She was almost scared to speak to her this way. She did not want her to get mad. She could be terrifying; May didn't need to say something for people to find her scarier than their biggest fear.
May stayed quiet for a moment. She was still sitting on the ground, a hand in her hair nervously twiddling with a lock of hair. She did feel lightheaded... "I'm fine" the S.O. repeated, but sounding less convinced than she was the first time she mentioned it.
"May don't lie" Daisy scolded. "Even I can tell you're not fine, you were badly injured on the mission and I just hit you again. Maybe you need more rest than the rest of us but if you need it you shouldn't neglect it." She surprised herself, suddenly hating how she got this confident. She knew she just did something very wrong, but she kept her determined look. She didn't want May to know she was scared.
It was obvious the woman was now insulted by this, but it was mostly because she was right. She was not feeling good, her migraine was too severe to ignore right now. She didn't need to say anything for Daisy to understand she wasn't pleased with the way this training session ended. May stood up, refusing her protégée's help then walked out. She locked herself up in her room and didn't speak to anyone the rest of the day, needing some time on her own.
Daisy went to Coulson right away. May was not acting like herself, at all, and she wanted to make sure the one person who knew her the most was aware of the situation. "Coulson?" she asked, this time not hiding the fact she was worried.
The man looked up, smiling a bit once he saw who it was and studying the doubt in her voice. "Yes, Daisy? What's the matter?"
"Can I… speak to you for a moment? Privately." she clarified, not wanting anyone else to hear this. The Director nodded and told her to sit down on the seat in front of his desk. She walked in and closed the door behind her. "It's about May" she finally started explaining. The man sighed, but a sigh that sounded as though he knew exactly where this conversation was heading. Perhaps he had noticed? "She… wasn't herself. She was not alert and I was able to throw her down too easily, like seriously I barely kicked her and she fell. And she was insulted when I told her she should get some rest and barely protested before she stormed off like a frustrated teenager. I could poke the bear without it attacking."
Coulson didn't seem surprised, yet he did not like what he was hearing. "You shouldn't worry too much, let her get the rest she needs, she will get better." he somewhat promised. Though he barely believed his own lie.
"No, like really. I mean, I know I've never seen her sick so I can't really tell but I'm persuaded that if May is sick she's still going to… be… May. May is May. But that was oddly not like May. It was like she had to pretend to be May."
"You're thinking about all this too much. Give her some time, if by the end of next week she still acts this way I'll talk to her. I'll keep an eye on her."
"Right… just... thought you might want to know. I'll keep an eye on her, too." Daisy left, and the both of them knew they were only trying to patch up the problem by ignoring it.
The next day, May couldn't bare the pain. She went in the lab where they kept the medicine. FitzSimmons were there, trying to figure out how to improve their latest weapon. Melinda opened the cabinet where they kept the medications and was seriously confused when she did not find them. She waited for Jemma to be done talking with Fitz to ask her where she last placed the painkillers. She frowned when she saw them both glaring at her like she had just committed a crime.
"What?" she wondered out loud, feeling like the both of them were judging her.
"What are you looking for?" Jemma asked, taking her courage in both hands and hoping May wouldn't get mad for having her repeat whatever it is she said.
"Painkillers. You moved the bottle" she then attempted to explain and presumed they would stop staring at her this way once she repeated what she just asked for.
"May..." Fitz looked worried and she hated that look. The pair stared at one another in acknowledgment and got in a voiceless conversation; one that no one else but these two was able to follow.
"Alright." May had enough, she crossed her arms before she angrily muttered "Both of you. Spit it now. What is it?"
"You're looking in the wrong cabinet…" Jemma confessed after they both wordlessly chose who would break the news.
"I know I am not looking in the right one because you moved it, which is why—"
"No, May, they never were in that cabinet" the doctor interrupted.
"It has always been in this one" she argued once again, then looked to where Fitz was pointing and felt absolutely ridiculous. Now that she looked at it... She knew it was in the one he was pointing. She opened it slowly and looked at the bottle resting exactly where it has always been.
"And you first asked us... Where the /blinkers/ are..." Fitz added his voice a bit lower than Jemma's, uncertain of May's dubious reaction.
She raised an eyebrow, clearly she didn't believe him. She was well aware of what she said. "You were not listening when I first asked you. You heard me wrong. I asked, for painkillers."
"May... Are you alright?" the biochemist questioned, concerned.
"Yes, fine. Perfectly fine" and she walked away the same way she walked away from Daisy. Her hand was tightly clenched on the bottle and took two pills once she was away from the lab. She stared at the label, reading the word 'painkiller' over and over again. This was getting ridiculous.
Days went by and the whole team was not leaving her out of their sight. She hated feeling like a lab rat under everyone's supervision. Like a bomb ready to blow up any time soon. They started taking notes of her behaviour; by the way she moved closer to read small writing or how she seemed so spaced out. By the way she leaned closer to the wall when walking and how she would trip on her own feet. She often made the team repeat what they were saying even when they were clearly speaking to her and there was no noise disturbance. She didn't focus as much before and sometimes forgot things she would usually remember, such as meeting up with Daisy for training. She looked pale, always had a headache and she blamed all her problems on everything she could blame it on. Even Mack noticed how her right side seemed stiff. The same stiffness usually ended in a fine tremor taking over her right hand and sometimes all the way down her leg when she was sitting down. She'd try to stop it from shaking by rubbing her leg calmly, somewhat discretely until she knew everyone was looking. It always seemed to take over whenever she was tired, which happened more often as the days went by.
The moment they'd try bringing up the subject she'd get mad. It was impossible to try and understand what was happening, if only she could talk so they could help her out instead of worrying.
The day she fell unconscious, Coulson couldn't hold it back anymore.
The whole team was resting together in the lounge area, drinking beer. The youngest were playing Monopoly; the game seemed to be taking forever. Coulson and May sat behind on the sofas, laughing and trying to help them. For once, May seemed to be doing well. She gained some colours and she was making more sense than most days. She was a bit more lively than usual but the team did not complain; it was nice to see her smile. "I'm going to get something to eat in the kitchen, want anything?" she offered, leaning towards Coulson to not bother the argument going on: Daisy did the cheapest exchange to get the Boardwalk property from Fitz, while Mack and Simmons were both complaining and defending him.
"Please tell me you do not plan on cooking" he teased.
"No, just bringing chips, perhaps pretzels and candies if we still have some in the cupboards."
Coulson nodded. "Whichever sounds good, actually. Need help?"
"I think I can bring it on my own" she chuckled as she stood up and started making her way out.
She barely did three steps when everything turned became black.
She opened her eyes and she was on the floor. Jemma moved her on her back so she wouldn't be stuck in the position she fell in. What happened? She didn't even drink half a bottle, so she knew she did not fall because she was drunk. She tried standing back up and act as though everything was fine, but the whole team was already forming half circle in front of her with a knowing look. The doctor wanted to help her stand up, but May pushed her away weakly and everything she said only came out as incomprehensible stammer. She froze and blinked, confused at her own words.
She finally sat down, bringing both her hands on each sides of her head and rubbed her temples in the hope everything would get better, that everyone would calm down. Eyes closed. Breathing slowly. Hoping no one would bother her.
"Agent May?"
"Are you alright?"
"I just want to help you up."
"Maybe we should bring her to her room-"
"No. Leave her there for now."
"Well we can't leave her on the ground."
"No. I know but we can't force her to move either."
"Wait at least until she se-"
She heard everyone but she couldn't differentiate the voices. "Stop" she ordered. Everyone stayed right there, but they stopped talking.
"Please leave us alone" Coulson requested to the whole team. "Go back to your room and we can finish the game tomorrow... or later tonight" he added but they frowned. How could they simply leave with what just happened? It is only once he nearly shouted "NOW" that the team walked away quietly; they all knew better than to resist.
Coulson stared at the woman sitting on the ground, waiting until everyone was far enough so they wouldn't hear when they would talk "May…" he whispered.
"I'm fine" she scoffed, finding the other's concern exaggerated.
"Clearly you're not. I need you to be honest with me."
"Phil I am -"
"No." he interrupted quickly. "You are anything but fine.
She sighed. "I'm serious I just need some time and -"
"Melinda..."
"Since when are you an expert about my health?" she provoked, glaring up at him and hoping he would get the message that she wanted him to finally stop talking.
"CLEARLY YOU ARE NOT AN EXPert yourself!" He started shouting to her surprise but he finished his sentence a bit more nicely. He didn't want for May to storm off the way she does when things don't go as she wants them to. She never did that before, but since all this started, it seemed easier for the woman to run away than having to talk it through. "Please… just tell me what it is."
She looked down.
So he sat down.
She looked away.
So he waited.
He had enough patience to wait the whole night if he needed to. He was determined to not let her go without an answer.
Few minutes went by and they simply sat there; not moving, not even talking. She seemed in another world entirely, trying to figure out what she was supposed to say. The place was quiet; the whole team was waiting in their respective room until Coulson gave the new orders. All of them were worried, all secretly hoping the Director could get her to speak.
"I don't feel good" she admitted, and Phil could tell her taints had changed. Her skin seemed somewhat grey, maybe even green. She nearly looked like a talking corpse.
Coulson tried to help her up, knowing she would be much more comfortable in her own room. Now that she had the time to calm down a bit she wouldn't push him away the way she did with Jemma. "Come on, let's get you to your room, and you take it easy. I will ask FitzSimmons to run some tests and -"
"Leave me here" she requested in a mumble, slumping back down on the ground once halfway up, unable to keep going. It demanded too much strength. Coulson still kept a firm grip around her so she wouldn't hurt herself while sitting back down. "I don't feel good" she repeated. "I really don't…"
Phil felt like he was now speaking to a three years old child. She was visibly getting worst with every passing seconds. "How are you not feeling good? Are you dizzy?"
She nodded weakly.
"Are you hungry? I can make you something quick and simple… a soup? Would you like that?"
The idea of food alone made her shake her head in pure disgust, even if a moment ago she was going to get some goodies for everyone. It was hard to see her go through such a good day then suddenly crash this way.
"Are you going to throw up?"
She shrugged, which did not reassure the man at all.
"Can you walk for me?"
"I can't feel my - leg - right leg... And my fingers... And..."
Coulson moved away the moment he saw her gag, picking up the closest bin they had. She didn't throw up, but perhaps keeping the bin close for a while was not a bad idea. She waited a few seconds, seeming to be mostly back to herself. She made sure she wouldn't actually vomit before speaking. "I can try and… go back to my room. So we can allow the team to move around…" she whispered, holding back her voice from cracking.
"You will pass some tests. You will go see FitzSimmons, I'm being serious. I want them to run some tests as we both know this has been going on for far too long now, and the whole team noticed you are only getting worse."
"Tomorrow" she promised. Her voice was hoarse, her throat now irritated. "Right now feels like something crushed me multiple times."
With the Director's help, she stood back up. "I just… want to go to my room…" she contradicted her earlier self, but at least she wanted to move so before she changed her mind again they headed towards her room. Coulson followed her to make sure she wouldn't collapse again.
She walked with her left hand on the wall, her right one clenched over her chest, not ready to move it anytime soon. They were both too worried to engage a conversation. Coulson stayed close behind and kept the bin close. He was surprised to see how she managed to walk on her own; her right leg locked a few times, so she was not walking as fast as she wanted to be, but she was still walking without any help… until she had no more walls to support herself with. She rested her weight against the man who wrapped an arm around her as they moved closer to her bed. She didn't even try to get changed; she simply let herself fall on her mattress so she wouldn't have to move anymore. Coulson tucked her in, passed a hand in her hair, then he made sure she was fine before moving away. "If anything I'm going to be in my office. Just call me, and I'll join you right away" he promised.
She nodded, taking a deep breath before closing her eyes. He stayed a moment longer, until he knew she was actually sleeping and no longer pretending. She knew he was there, and secretly, she was grateful that he stayed until she was gone to Dreamland.
Finally the team was out of their room and they were slowly putting away their game. After what happened their enthusiasm was gone. Jemma was the first to point out the elephant in the room. "Sir, please tell us we are allowed to run some tests? She clearly isn't alright, she is scaring all of us, and she's degenerating. We can see her state changing far too quickly. She was entirely fine today… then all at once... I don't want to keep turning my head whenever it happens."
"I fear the worse..." Fitz added to his partner's statement.
"It is strange to see her this way... She is... It's like she is not allowed to be weak." Daisy mumbled, to which the whole team agreed by nodding quietly. "Seeing her like that just isn't right, it's not normal".
Mack was staring at Coulson the entire time. "How is she now?" he asked, trying to analyze his state and he wanted to understand how bad the situation was by his reactions. No one could miss how worried he looked.
"Sleeping" the Director answered vaguely. He didn't mention how fragile she looked, how vulnerable, sick and absolutely weak she was the moment the whole team stepped away. They were worried enough already, he didn't want to cause any more troubles. Avoiding the question this way only made it obvious to Mack that May was doing awful. "FitzSimmons, you two, tomorrow. I'm countign on you. I told May, she knows. She refused to pass the tests today; I believe she is already exhausted enough with everything that happened… she does not need this extra stress right away. She hates creating drama and she just did a rather big scene. She can get some rest now and she will feel less like a burden after a few hours of sleep."
Morning came by far too quickly for the sick Agent. They passed the tests early in the morning without her fully understanding. She was not even sure how, why or when, she couldn't even remember if she needed anyone's help to get there, but she was now sitting on the bed in the medical part of the lab. She let the duo do their job, already forgetting whatever it was she was worrying about. "Have you eaten anything this morning?" Jemma asked. Though Melinda was barely responding to anything, feeling absolutely nauseous and even worse than yesterday. "May, did you eat?" she repeated slower, and she finally got her answer as the lady shook her head from left to right weakly. Jemma tried flashing the light in her eyes, yet every time she would turn it on, May would wince and turn her head away. "Stop being so stubborn and keep your eyes open" she warned between clenched teeth. May opened her eyes, not holding back on the death glare. The lights, all the noises, and every movements felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing her in the head. It was a battle against the both of them; the doctor trying to keep her awake, the Agent was trying to sleep to avoid any more pain. Fitz could feel the tension, which he found odd as both of the girls were no longer acting like their usual self; they usually got along better than this.
The moment the youngest was done, May closed her eyes and leaned over. She rested her head against whatever was closest, which turned out being Fitz, and she simply stopped moving. The pair, now panicking, managed to lay her down gently so they would not wake her.
They didn't need to run the tests. It was obvious. They didn't want to believe it either… But they still had to. Perhaps they could hope for the best, just a little bit of hope, enough to prove them they were not always right… Maybe, just maybe they were actually wrong. For once, they wanted to be wrong.
And they hated that the results were right.
May was still lying down, though she had turned on her side and she seemed to be sulking.
Everyone was on the other side of the glass wall, looking at her even though all they saw was her back.
"Let me tell her..." Coulson requested. "She... Well..." He passed his hand over his eyes, then down to his mouth to then pinch his chin. "I believe... It is better if I was to break the news."
They didn't say a single word.
They all wanted to travel back in time, change things, make everything better, to prevent what was happening now. What they learned was just... Impossible. Wouldn't it be easier to pretend that everything is fine? If only it would solve the problem it would save them a whole lot of pain. If only they had done something earlier instead of ignoring it.
The Director gathered his courage and walked in once he was sure no one would protest. The whole team was staring at them both, dreading the reaction the woman would have.
By the way Phil walked into the room, May knew he was not there to deliver good news. "So, what is it?"
"Well…" he started, then sat on the chair next to the bed. He didn't expect her to be awake. He crossed his own fingers together and looked down, trying to find the best way to phrase this. He knew she would rather have him be direct with her, but he did not want to make it too blunt either. She hated it when someone was not going straight to the point, but news like this was not something he could simply throw at her without any warnings, could he? "…we were right to worry."
May became tense, holding back her breath. Coulson bit his lip, waiting a few seconds before he finally dropped the bomb.
"Cancer… and tumour… Brain… both of them. Brain tumour which evolved into a cancer, more specifically. I hum… think I don't need to… explain… the procedures, or what it is… and what you will need to go through… and we will find a way for you to be able to stay here if you do not wish to go back home… Everyone would be happy to help and find a way to… prevent anything from happening."
The moment Phil stopped talking, he noticed how everyone was very quiet. Everyone stopped talking. Everyone stopped moving. Everyone were waiting. Just… waiting for her to react. The clock ticked, the lights were buzzing, and everyone was breathing, trying to hold back their tears.
May was the first one to break the silence, getting the obvious hint that they all waited for her to do anything. "How much longer?" she murmured, so softly that Phil had to lean down to hear her.
The man turned to look at Jemma, who seemed to have understood what she said as she opened her hand, did an 'O' with her fingers followed by six fingers, miming with her lips 'five or six months' while holding back a sob.
"Five or six months…" he then repeated after the doctor. "That is if the treatments don't work… Otherwise you have a lifetime ahead of you." Coulson was still staring at his team… They were all pretending to be fine, but their eyes were expressing just how much they were truly in pain. "Of course the treatments will work." he hoped, the team giving their weakest smile. They were crossing their fingers, relying on Coulson's words, hoping that he was right as he had been so many times.
May fell quiet again, and she finally lied on her back to look at Coulson. She brought her left hand up to rest it on the man's cheek, the one hand she had been favouring for a little while now. She stroke her thumb over his skin to swipe the tears the man was not even aware were rolling down his cheeks.
Everyone felt powerless, wanting to hug her and magically heal her, but they knew May needed the space. They knew her as the strongest woman alive. To see her collapse so suddenly the day before destroyed the entire team's heart into a thousand pieces. They expected her to cry, yet there she was trying to comfort Coulson because she has cancer. Now she seemed as good as always… which either meant she truly believed she would be fine or she was playing pretend.
May sat down with Phil's help and instead of staying in the chair he sat down on the bed too. He wrapped his arms around the frail woman as he started sobbing. The team decided to walk out to allow her and Phil some time, so they could talk all they needed without worrying about them staring. Maybe May was not crying because the whole team was there, so leaving them alone for a bit seemed like the best thing to do. They knew this little act of respect was appreciated by their leaders.
May was devastated, but she was ready. She would gather up her strength to keep going through life. She was not going to give up easily. She would keep training and go on missions with everyone. "Watch me" she promised quietly. Coulson knew it meant "Watch me go through life like I am still healthy. Watch me go on missions. Watch me beat this cancer. Watch me."
He chuckled lightly, moving away so he could see her. "Sorry" he whispered once he was a bit calmer and collected.
She rolled her eyes a bit dramatically before saying "you always have to make it all about yourself, can you not hold back the touch of dramatic for a day?" He laughed a bit, shrugging as he knew she had a point. She kindly smiled before she lied back down. "I wish to stay here, at the base. At least the lab will be close if anything ever was to happen and get the treatments right away. I don't trust any hospital; I would much rather know the people who will be handling the chemicals and the needles near me."
Coulson nodded. Now he was the one holding back, unable to say anything else.
Weeks went by since the announcement day.
Some days were better than others.
May would walk around and act as her usual self. The team appreciated her kindness, as she did her best not to give the cold shoulder to everyone. The team understood that she did it to thank them; that if she really just had five months, she did not want to die with the regret of never treating her friends the right way. In exchange, they tried not to pity her too much or hold back in training.
Some days were worse than others.
Stuttering, falling, to completely stop moving… her right side giving up on her more and more, almost always stuck with a tremor. She tried so hard to use her left hand to do normal tasks such as writing or brushing her teeth. She had to rest more often, eating was occasional too as she had no appetite. The team always subtly cooked too much when they did something for themselves so she could eat what they did in extra. Of course she knew they were purposefully doing it, but she never could refuse it. She knew it was for her best.
But the hardest time was when Coulson told her she could no longer go on missions.
"May... You need to understand" he tried explaining but she stopped him before he could keep talking.
"No. You need to understand. I will keep fighting until my days are over. And when I say fight I mean literally going out in the field. I would much rather die in action than die in a bed with monitors and IVs keeping me alive. Let me go on the mission tomorrow; let me follow them. And as much as I trust Mack I still think they would need someone who has more experience on the field to guide them on this mission."
"I can't. There is a chance you might survive this and I do not want to risk your life and die because you stumbled on -"
"Let me go on the mission! Phil, they all have reasons to live; they're still young and full of life and they still have a lot of energy to waste. At least if it does turn into a suicide mission I can go instead of any of them. None of them will have to make the harsh decision of dying to save their friends. I got nothing to lose-"
He took a deep breath and tried to stay calm, "No." he interrupted again. "I am the Director and you need to understand that you cannot go against my orders so you better not disobey me and go on the mission in my back. We need to take care of you so we can keep you as an Agent for a long time."
"I am not a child anymore Coulson, believe me I can take my own decisions and I am telling you I am fine to go on this mission."
"I don't care if you are a child or not, this once I get to choose. And you are not going on a mission until you are better. You risk endangering everyone. If you were to fall or get one of your episodes of temporary memory lost, can you imagine how that would turn out like? So you stay here where we can keep an eye on you and take care of this damn cancer you're stuck with. Last time you were not much help on the mission and the last dangerous mission with the Inhuman family was hard on you. Now a life-threatening mission will not be any better. So you are staying here. Am I making myself clear?"
May and Coulson got into a long and silent staring contest before she walked out of the office, pushing her chair too hard and it fell on the ground, but she did not turn back.
She couldn't just stay here and die in the lamest way possible while she knew the team might not come back alive. Why would she let them go die while she was already on her death bed? Yes, she might survive, but "might" was the keyword here. She would never be back to her old self entirely, even if she was to beat the cancer. FitzSimmons, Mack and Daisy all had so much they could still do, and learn so many things… Letting May follow them… wasn't it the simple thing to do? The most logical decision?
May went to her room quickly and changed herself, heading towards the training room right after. She put on bandages around her fists, ignoring the cramps in her right arm and started hitting the heavy bag. Kicks after kicks after punches and after punches, she felt her body was working twice as hard to keep her going. But it felt good. She was getting rid of the anger she accumulated in the passed weeks: One kick for not going on the mission with everyone. Two kicks for this damn cancer. Five kicks for Coulson taking decisions based on his emotions instead of logic. One punch for Coulson treating her like a child. Six for this tumour that got her in this state. Three kicks for her memory problems and seven for making her team feel useless. Twenty for no longer being herself. She shouted once in a while, growling and muttering non-senses, wanting to let it all out before speaking to anyone again. She kept going and going until she could no longer move her arms.
She sat on the ground after an intensive thirty minutes. Her muscles ached like never before, yet she did not go through half of her usual training routine. Sweating, dizzy, her vision was blurry and she was breathing so heavily that she wheezed and coughed whenever she tried taking a good breath. She wanted to drink water but felt like if she tried it wouldn't stay in her stomach. Her entire body hunched forwards like a rag doll, dry heaving, affirming her doubts and proving that she had done too much. She didn't notice until now how much she pushed herself to her limits. At this point she would usually still be standing, fighting, jumping, weight lifting and many, many other things.
"Damn cancer…"
She knew it was not treatments that would help her. This damn thing already took over most of her brain and it was a miracle she was still standing. She knew it was only a matter of months, weeks even. It was a story of options and arrangements, not treatments and hopes. And there was no way she would allow to see herself die; lose her hair, starve, suffer, forget everyone she loves, lose more weight than she already did, being unable to move and needing help to move around, not being able to speak... She already had a hard time writing and moving and talking and even get changed and remember things. There was no way she would let herself get to the point where she would be a burden to everyone because they do not want to see her leave.
Out of stubbornness, she ignored whatever it was she felt that kept her from going and she weakly stood back up. She wasn't quite stable on her feet, but she had enough willpower to keep going. That maybe… maybe someday she will get better. And that someday might be today.
The only problem was… she was not in her worst state, and she knew she was already a burden to everyone.
Coulson was persuaded May would have been in her room but was surprised to not see her there at all. He hoped she was not exactly where he thought she was. It was late at night and it was obvious she was tired when they spoke earlier. The rest of the team was together in the lab, talking and figuring out the plans for tomorrow so the Director knew he had some time to go and find their sick Agent without them panicking.
He ran towards the training room right away, knowing he was heading towards the right direction when he heard the breathing, the whimpers and the constants hits against the heavy bag. And there she was.
Her knuckles were swollen and she was as pale as ghost. She could physically not keep going; she was shivering and her punches were getting weaker and weaker, but she never stopped... Holding back her tears. Trying to convince herself that she could do it. Guilt hit the Director, knowing she came here because of him. But why risk killing her when they might be able to save her? He knew they would need the Agent for the longest time possible here, with S.H.I.E.L.D.
He wanted to do something to stop this darn cancer from taking over her.
"May... May hey..." Coulson walked in and stood next to her. "You really should go to bed… you will be a lot more comfortable in your room... Come on, alright?" The lady shook her head, gritting her teeth angrily and was now ignoring the man. "Please, May. You're a mess. You need to go to your room and get changed for a good night sleep, it is late... Have you seen yourself? You're overdoing it." Seeing that she was not listening, he placed his arm right in front of her to keep her from hitting the bag once more.
May muttered something between an insult and a swear word when she nearly hit the man's arm. She was mad at him but not enough to cause him any physical harm. "I want… to - stay here... Move."
"Why do you insist while you can't even talk properly!?"
The woman refused to answer as she simply stepped aside and started hitting another spot on the bag. Though Coulson followed and this time she stopped. After one last rough kick to the bag she walked away and got rid of the bandages around her hands. She had a hard time moving, the adrenalin from the training already useless. She did not once meet Phil's eye with her own. She could barely open her hands properly or even hold the bandages with enough strength. She didn't need his help, and the fact he was standing right there staring really annoyed her; she knew he wanted to do it for her. She felt the pain slowly climbing up her legs, going from her head and down to her neck, up her arms and down her shoulders… Her lungs felt dry and heavy, when everything became black all at once.
She started hyperventilating as she stumbled back despite standing up straight. She forced her body to swing forwards so she wouldn't fall straight on her back, but it quickly caused a disconnection from her entire body and her mind.
She could hear Coulson screaming, she knew he was holding onto her, she knew he caught her before she fell forwards, but she couldn't understand him, she couldn't feel him.
The scary part was still being conscious.
Coulson panicked, he was sitting on the ground with May again, but this time she was not responding. If it wasn't of her shallow breathing, he would've been persuaded she had left the world already. "May, May hey, Melinda. Talk to me, I need an answer. Melinda!" He tried calling her a few times, snapping his fingers and gently shaking her… but he far from expected her to start having a seizure.
She started trembling into his arms and at first he thought it was her body going through a type of withdrawal, exhaustion, but he knew it wasn't either of those options when she did not stop, getting worse far too quickly. He knew he wasn't supposed to restrain the person having the seizure; so he moved her in the recovery position before running out. He hated to leave her alone but right now he needed FitzSimmons to come at once. Her seizure ended seconds after the pair walked in the training room, now unconscious. Phil carried her to the medical section of the base. She was a lot lighter than she used to be, she had lost a lot of muscle mass, looking unhealthily skinny. The man had to gather his own strength to not break down as well. Everyone followed Coulson and obeyed the doctor's instructions.
What felt like only seconds of disconnection to May was in fact thirty six hours in real life.
She woke up entirely lost, not understanding where she was or why. She sat down quickly, looking around, wincing at the pain and noticing the IVs, the breathing mask and the machines beeping in the most annoying high pitch noise she had ever heard. Her first instinct was to get rid of everything, trying to pull on the chords when a tall man ran in and pushed her down on the bed. She had no strength to push him off, absolutely terrified of him; she was about to yell so he would let her go when she finally recognized him. "Mack…"
She calmed down instantly. Though the fact she did not recognized him until just now made her feel entirely empty, numb, cold. Everything that happened yesterday was non-existent to her, but she understood that she passed out and someone carried her here.
Mack didn't need for her to talk to understand what had just happened. He smiled weakly as he set her free from his hold. He made sure he did not hurt her before sitting down on the chair next to the bed. "Director Coulson will be here soon… You've been gone for… more than twenty four hours, I'd even say thirty."
May felt like she had no more energy, laying back down in bed and closing her eyes. She weakly moved the breathing mask "Weren't you supposed to go on the mission..?" Her mouth felt heavy, but she was glad she was still able to communicate.
"We're leaving tonight instead… We didn't quite want to leave yesterday with what happened. You passed out two days ago, at night. We were supposed to leave yesterday, but we are leaving tonight instead."
May personally didn't want to know what happened, but she looked at Mack for him to give more information, which he did. He explained everything and honestly it felt as though he was speaking of someone else entirely.
Daisy looked up through the glass and smiled before running away, coming back with the rest of the team. This time, the protégée hugged her S.O. despite knowing she probably did not want to be hugged. He decided that they both needed it.
They all stood there, talking, adding information to what Mack had just said and she looked straight ahead of her. After everyone was done saying what they had to say, Coulson asked to give her some space.
Once the room was empty, it took less than thirty seconds for her to calm down and simply accept it, which was less time than usual. She knew she over did it for her training but she didn't know she absolutely /over did it/. It took a while before she talked to the man. "I... I can't move, everything hurts. Ph…" she had to think a moment longer, did it really got to the point she wouldn't even remember people's name? She brought her gaze down in resignation, ashamed of herself. She started understanding the situation she was in; that she will never get out of this and only get worse, that it was too late now. That yesterday might've been her last time standing up ever. "Phil..." She said, voice cracking.
He hoped that once she would be awake Melinda would be better, but she looked anything but good. He turned off the light, knowing how painful it was for her, and turned on her bedside lamp instead. "Sleep... Alright? You will be better in the morning" he promised, passing his hand in her hair. He kissed the top of her head before walking out. He couldn't stay if he wanted her to rest, or else she would stay awake to not sleep in his presence.
Though the moment he touched the door knob and heard her whisper "Phil... please stay…" as though she did not know if she was allowed to request for him to not leave her alone, he knew he couldn't leave. She seemed so lost, confused.
Coulson did his best not to break down the way he did before. She needed the help, not the other way around. He gently answered "I'm here…" as he made his way back. He noticed the blank stare screaming for help without emitting any sounds, her mouth slightly opened as though she wanted to say something but was unsure of what to do.
Coulson sat on the bed instead of the chair, looking at her even though she was looking away. He slipped his own hand in hers, reassured when he felt her give it a light squeeze as in to say 'I acknowledge your presence and thank you for staying.'
She swallowed loudly, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "What if?" she murmured.
And Phil knew exactly what she meant. "You won't die, May. You will get back up on your feet in no time and we will help you."
"I won't live."
"May…"
"I know I won't, have you seen me?" she interrupted right away and finally turned to meet his eyes. "I can't even do anything on my own - I don't want to die this way. What if I can't get better? What if this is the terminal phase? Obviously the treatments have not helped." She moved uncomfortably and tilted her head back, her eyes searching for something to stare at but kept searching nervously. "It's why I want to die on the field Phil – I'm not ready to die but I'm even less ready to see myself die slowly. I already can't do this… look at me, it's not a life, I'm not myself, the team is treating me like I am a child and I just – forget everything all the time and I couldn't even remember /your/ name. Yesterday was maybe my last day standing up. Tomorrow might be the last day breathing on my own. Please just let me die if anything was to happen… don't try bringing me back."
"You are strong... I promise you Melinda that I will not give up on you" he reassured, not wanting to say he promised to let her die, but May understood right away that it meant there was no guarantees he would let her go.
"I don't want to fight… let me die… Please" she begged with a choked sob. It demanded too much right now to hold it all back in and pretend she was fine.
Coulson's eyes widened as she desperately tried to pretend nothing happened. She passed her hands on her cheeks, swiping away the tears she had been trying to hold back but no longer could. She sobbed loudly but kept acting as though it was not happening. She clasped a hand over her mouth to prevent herself from breaking down. The last time she cried was because of the Bahrain incident, and here she was, crying in front of Phil… again. The same woman who was known to have no heart, to not shed a single tear, to have no fear. Compared to what everyone believed, she wasn't fearless. He knew her before she became The Cavalry, but since the day she received the title she never acted this way again.
Finally Coulson wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He knew she wasn't the type of person who was quite fond of hugs, but right now it was obvious that she needed it. He rocked her back and forth, and she finally gave in. She was no longer holding back. He was not quite sure how he was supposed to soothe her, whispering sweet words as he gently stroked her hair. It was the only thing he knew worked, as he often saw Andrew play with her hair whenever she was even remotely nervous. Phil knew she wasn't crying simply because of the cancer, that she needed to cry for everything else she should've cried about but held back all these years; all the regrets, the missions not going right, leaving Andrew, going back in the field while she did not want to, all the sleepless nights or nightmares because of Bahrain, Ward betraying them, losing Trip, almost losing Daisy, more than once, Hunter and Bobbi leaving, Lincoln sacrificing himself for the team… Andrew dying… the fact that she would no longer be able to follow the team, the fact that she would keep worrying everyone… the cancer, the tumour, her tremors and forgetfulness and her right side not cooperating. For spacing out so often. For not understanding simple things. For not being able to walk. For not being able to follow her own normal pace.
That she was no longer the Melinda May the team knew.
That she couldn't even recognize herself.
She did not want him to leave, and he would stay. He doubted he would ever leave her alone again, not after seeing her cry this way for the first time in forever. Her left hand held onto Coulson with the bit of strength left in her, and he held her closely. Her grip was anything but strong, but he knew she was truly holding onto him like her life depended on it.
To see her this vulnerable, to hear her cry and to feel her trembling like a dying leaf in the autumn wind... She couldn't stop and her tears kept rolling down her cheeks.
"We will figure things out… I promise…" he repeated over and over, hoping it helped May who had a hard time keeping it together. Somehow, it was to comfort himself too. He never thought his heart could break more, yet here he was now, in tears himself and doing his best to not scare the woman who was already terrified. "... You will get through this... I am here for you... You will fight this..."
"Promise - Promise me..."
"I will—"
"No… Phil please… you know what I mean…"
"I can't. May I just can't do it, I don't want to see you die"
"I can't continue like this…" She felt dizzy, doing her best to hold back her sobs, shivering, shallow breathing, panicking.
Coulson rubbed her back then stopped when he saw it didn't help, reminding her to breathe normally so she wouldn't pass out. They spent some time simply focusing on calming down, as May nearly collapsed and Phil wasn't ready for it happening, again.
"If I can stand by tonight, let me go on the mission" she attempted to ask again between two breaths.
"I can't…"
"It's that or you let me die this way, angry with you, feeling useless and suffering. Being in pain more than I am now… If I can't stand by tonight I will stop bothering you with this, but if I do… let me go. If I come back, I won't leave on a mission until I am better. We can then start intensive treatments."
It's in the hope she wouldn't stand at all that he agreed, crossing his fingers she would stay and get better so they wouldn't have to say goodbye.
She finally fell asleep a few minutes after, exhausted and crying, but even then he decided not to move. She seemed comfortable in his arms, calm, peaceful at last. What if she woke up worse? Would she be okay? And what if she woke up feeling better? He would much rather stay, be there with her, so if anything was to happen, she wouldn't be alone.
He hummed a tune and felt her shoulders release the rest of the tension. He wished he could unwind the same way, but he doubted he would be able to until all of this was over.
Coulson hoped. He really did. He stayed with her the longest he could before the team had to gather up their things to leave on the mission. He left her to go prepare the Quinjet, making sure they did not forget anything behind. For once he was glad she was sleeping. This meant she would not stand up; she wouldn't follow, he'll come back and she'd wake up only once it would be too late to leave.
But… All she needed was fifteen minutes. And she got all fifteen of them. Coulson couldn't help but hate himself the moment he saw the sick Agent standing by the door. The whole team smiled; persuaded she passed by to say good luck, but when they saw how Coulson looked at her they understood that this was a very bad thing.
That this meant she was leaving with them.
"You promised" she said before he could argue. And he looked away, knowing all too well that he couldn't back down from the promise.
She woke up when Daisy joined them to warn Coulson they were leaving in half an hour. She stood up with difficulty, but once she was on her feet, she unplugged herself from the machines and went to her room to get a quick shower. She changed into her mission outfit, packed a small bag, and finally joined the team.
Everyone stood there in disbelief. But nothing would change the Agent's mind.
"Well, The Cavalry is joining, we'll be fine!" Daisy broke the silence, doing an awkward cheer before taking May's bag to bring it with theirs.
Melinda was secretly glad that Daisy was willing to not make this not as awkward as everyone expected it would be. The moment she had enough of the uncomfortable silence, she looked at the team. "Let's go, we have a mission, we're late" she said loudly with the most convincing voice she could manage right now. Everyone said goodbye to Coulson before running in the Quinjet.
"Melinda" Coulson stopped her, grabbing her hand.
"Phil, don't do this."
"I could say the same."
"Don't make this any harder for the both of us. We both are not good at saying goodbye." She sighed, bit her lip then looked away. Coulson didn't want to speak but she couldn't simply leave this way. "Thank you, Coulson. For everything you did. Not just... since the cancer. Since the first day we meet. You are an amazing person Phil"
"And you are an amazing person..." he repeated, his voice low, bottling up his emotions.
She brought her eyes back up. She had to look at him at least once before leaving, to not regret it later. "We need to go..."
"If you can avoid killing yourself and everyone else... Melinda. That would be great."
She laughed a bit, seeing the man step closer. "I will keep this in mind, yes."
He looked at her.
She looked at him.
She brought her hand up.
He grabbed her hand and pulled her into a hug.
Coulson held her close, and she hid her face in the crook of his neck. They both held back their tears... As much as she wanted this mission to end the way she wished, she did want to come back. She did want to stay with the team longer. She did love spending time with everyone. Her family.
"I will miss you" he whispered.
She nodded gently, taking one last deep breath before moving away. She'd miss him. Even his bad puns, his horrible references and terrible jokes. "I will keep the team safe" she responded.
"I trust you will."
It took a while before they both moved. Coulson started acting like a Director, May started acting like an Agent.
"Be safe."
"I will." She promised, and the moment she dreaded arrived. She turned on her heels and boarded the Quinjet. "We'll meet again." she waved to Coulson, then the moment they were ready to leave, she walked straight to the front of the jet. After all, she is the pilot.
"We'll meet again."