Innuendo (1/?)
By: ShinigamiForever & Perfect-Dark01
A Smoke Break Production
Warning: Oddity. Extreme Oddity. Slash. Think: lunatics + caffeine + too many slash fanfics.
Disclaimer: JK Rowling would have to have been on crack to write this.
A/N: So. I thought about this idea, then Perfect-Dark came over, and we wrote it. And so. Well. See for yourself.
===
[Slytherin boy showers, 7:31 AM]
"You're looking at me."
"I am not."
"Yes you are! I just saw you!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"I am NOT gay!"
"I never said you were!"
"But you were implying!"
"I wasn't implying anything. I simply said, you were looking at me."
"I wasn't."
"You were."
"Draco Malfoy, for the LAST time, I was NOT looking at you!"
"Oh come on, you know you think I'm sexy." Sing songy voice.
Incoherent sputtering. "I- what- you- NO!"
Singing, "You think I'm sexy, you want to kiss me, you want to hug me, you want to love me."
"Stop it! You are so- so-"
"Sexy?"
"NO! Stop putting words in my mouth!"
"If you prefer, I'll put something else…"
"That. Is. So. Sick."
"I haven't said anything. Now look who's putting words in my mouth."
Five minute pause.
"You're looking at me again, Zambini."
"Am not. And don't get me started."
"Touchy."
"Shut up. Or else I'll make you."
"How?"
"Not going there."
[Gryffindor boy dorm room, 7:24 AM]
"Wakey, wakey, Ronnekins!"
Incoherent noises.
"Oh no you don't. Time to get up, Ronnie."
Grunt. Snort.
"Don't make me use the Wake Up Method."
Snort.
"All right. You asked for it."
Sound of muffled protest. "Mmph!"
"Good morning, Ron."
"Seamus! Get the HELL off of me!"
"My. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed."
"I woke up with you KISSING me!"
"Dean doesn't have a problem with it."
"That's Dean! I'm- I'm not a POOF!"
"By the way, Ron, you're 5 second behind yesterday. You're loosing your touch."
"Seamus, you are SO dead."
"Gotta catch me first before you can do me."
"Ugh! Gross! Seamus!"
Laughing. "You're such a homophobe, Ron."
"Well, you would be too, if you woke up to a man kissing you every morning."
"I'd kinda like to have that."
"AUGH! You are impossible!"
"Really? Dean thinks I'm quite easy."
"DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!"
Sleepy, "Ron, shut up. Seamus, shut up. Dean, come get your boyfriend."
[Hufflepuff girls dorm room, 7:47 AM]
"Have you heard..?"
"Heard what, Hannah?"
"Oh MY GOD, Susan, you didn't know?!"
"Spill, Megan."
"Okay, like, the two most eligible bachelors in all of Hogwarts…"
"Yes?"
"Are a COUPLE!"
Shrieking.
"NO. You don't mean…"
"Yes!"
"Are you insane? There's no way!"
"Yep. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy."
More shrieking.
"NO! You don't say! I thought they hated each other!"
"I heard it was blackmail."
"No, no, I heard it was unresolved sexual tension."
"I think it was alcohol!"
"From who?"
"Well you know Draco. Always sneaking things in here."
"Could be. Hey, Hannah, you think Hermione would know?"
"Hm… She's Hermione. Of COURSE she would know."
"But will she tell us…?"
"Probably not. I mean, she's not like one to scrape up dirt on her best friend."
"Hmm… Maybe Weasley… What's his name again?"
"Donald?"
"I thought it started with an R…?"
"Well, whatever. Ask him! You know how he gets. When he's around girls and all."
Mass giggling.
"But he hates Draco more than Harry does! Or did, supposed to anyway."
"Maybe…"
"You DON'T MEAN!"
"Well… If Harry and Draco…"
"Then certainly Ron and Draco…"
Shrieking.
[Gryffindor breakfast table, 8:16 AM]
"Stop flirting with Malfoy!"
"I can't! He's halfway across the room, Ron!"
"You mean you were thinking about it?"
"Stop making it sound bad!"
"Of course I have to make sound bad! It is bad!"
"Would you leave my boyfriend out of this?"
"It's not the boyfriend issue. I don't care if you're gay. My brothers are gay. All of my brothers are gay. With each other, no less! It's WHO you're gay with !"
"It could have been worse…"
"How could it get worse?"
"Snape?"
"Ew! Augh! No! Bad images, bad images!"
"You asked." Snicker.
"Oh, would you two pipe down? I'm trying to read!"
"In the morning, Mione? You must be kidding…"
"He's looking at you." Seething glare.
"Oh? And you were watching him?"
"HARRY!"
Insane laughter.
[Staff breakfast table, 8:23 AM]
"Minerva, have you heard?"
"What, Albus?"
"Supposedly Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter have been getting rather cozy with each other."
"Albus, honestly! Picking up idle gossip from the children!"
"Well, for one, I think it is fascinating."
"I do as well."
"Oh don't encourage him, Remus!"
"How did the students know, anyway?"
"Well, you know teenagers. Sneaking off to the Astronomy tower, snogging in the closets, kissing games… the rest."
"Albus! Really!"
"Am I wrong, dear Minerva?"
Flustered, "Well, of course it does happen, but no need to point it out!"
Laughing, "Don't forget you were one too, Minerva."
"Remus!"
"I am not hearing this. I am not hearing this. I am going to my happy place."
"Albus, I do believe there is something wrong with Severus."
"He'll be all right." Laughs. "Just let him go to his happy place."
"I am in my happy place, no one can touch me. I cannot hear a thing. I cannot see a thing. I am in my happy place. La la la."
[Slytherin breakfast table, 8:19 AM]
"DRACO!"
Staring. Dazed, "Hm?"
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!"
Underneath breath, "Certainly not you."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, Pansy dearest, nothing."
"Look. You have an owl."
"What?"
"AN OWL, Draco, an OWL."
"I am aware of what an owl is, Pansy. I'm not deaf."
Mutters, "You give a good impression."
"Come here, Newkirk, my pet."
"Who's it from?"
"None of your business."
"Ooh, is it a LO~OVE letter?"
"In the morning, Pansy?"
"Well."
Decisive, "No. Now shut up and go away." Undertone, "Ugly prat."
"What did you say, Draco darling?"
Shiver. "Nothing."
A/N: Yes, there will be more. Eventually.
By: ShinigamiForever & Perfect-Dark01
A Smoke Break Production
Warning: Oddity. Extreme Oddity. Slash. Think: lunatics + caffeine + too many slash fanfics.
Disclaimer: JK Rowling would have to have been on crack to write this.
A/N: So. I thought about this idea, then Perfect-Dark came over, and we wrote it. And so. Well. See for yourself.
===
[Slytherin boy showers, 7:31 AM]
"You're looking at me."
"I am not."
"Yes you are! I just saw you!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"I am NOT gay!"
"I never said you were!"
"But you were implying!"
"I wasn't implying anything. I simply said, you were looking at me."
"I wasn't."
"You were."
"Draco Malfoy, for the LAST time, I was NOT looking at you!"
"Oh come on, you know you think I'm sexy." Sing songy voice.
Incoherent sputtering. "I- what- you- NO!"
Singing, "You think I'm sexy, you want to kiss me, you want to hug me, you want to love me."
"Stop it! You are so- so-"
"Sexy?"
"NO! Stop putting words in my mouth!"
"If you prefer, I'll put something else…"
"That. Is. So. Sick."
"I haven't said anything. Now look who's putting words in my mouth."
Five minute pause.
"You're looking at me again, Zambini."
"Am not. And don't get me started."
"Touchy."
"Shut up. Or else I'll make you."
"How?"
"Not going there."
[Gryffindor boy dorm room, 7:24 AM]
"Wakey, wakey, Ronnekins!"
Incoherent noises.
"Oh no you don't. Time to get up, Ronnie."
Grunt. Snort.
"Don't make me use the Wake Up Method."
Snort.
"All right. You asked for it."
Sound of muffled protest. "Mmph!"
"Good morning, Ron."
"Seamus! Get the HELL off of me!"
"My. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed."
"I woke up with you KISSING me!"
"Dean doesn't have a problem with it."
"That's Dean! I'm- I'm not a POOF!"
"By the way, Ron, you're 5 second behind yesterday. You're loosing your touch."
"Seamus, you are SO dead."
"Gotta catch me first before you can do me."
"Ugh! Gross! Seamus!"
Laughing. "You're such a homophobe, Ron."
"Well, you would be too, if you woke up to a man kissing you every morning."
"I'd kinda like to have that."
"AUGH! You are impossible!"
"Really? Dean thinks I'm quite easy."
"DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!"
Sleepy, "Ron, shut up. Seamus, shut up. Dean, come get your boyfriend."
[Hufflepuff girls dorm room, 7:47 AM]
"Have you heard..?"
"Heard what, Hannah?"
"Oh MY GOD, Susan, you didn't know?!"
"Spill, Megan."
"Okay, like, the two most eligible bachelors in all of Hogwarts…"
"Yes?"
"Are a COUPLE!"
Shrieking.
"NO. You don't mean…"
"Yes!"
"Are you insane? There's no way!"
"Yep. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy."
More shrieking.
"NO! You don't say! I thought they hated each other!"
"I heard it was blackmail."
"No, no, I heard it was unresolved sexual tension."
"I think it was alcohol!"
"From who?"
"Well you know Draco. Always sneaking things in here."
"Could be. Hey, Hannah, you think Hermione would know?"
"Hm… She's Hermione. Of COURSE she would know."
"But will she tell us…?"
"Probably not. I mean, she's not like one to scrape up dirt on her best friend."
"Hmm… Maybe Weasley… What's his name again?"
"Donald?"
"I thought it started with an R…?"
"Well, whatever. Ask him! You know how he gets. When he's around girls and all."
Mass giggling.
"But he hates Draco more than Harry does! Or did, supposed to anyway."
"Maybe…"
"You DON'T MEAN!"
"Well… If Harry and Draco…"
"Then certainly Ron and Draco…"
Shrieking.
[Gryffindor breakfast table, 8:16 AM]
"Stop flirting with Malfoy!"
"I can't! He's halfway across the room, Ron!"
"You mean you were thinking about it?"
"Stop making it sound bad!"
"Of course I have to make sound bad! It is bad!"
"Would you leave my boyfriend out of this?"
"It's not the boyfriend issue. I don't care if you're gay. My brothers are gay. All of my brothers are gay. With each other, no less! It's WHO you're gay with !"
"It could have been worse…"
"How could it get worse?"
"Snape?"
"Ew! Augh! No! Bad images, bad images!"
"You asked." Snicker.
"Oh, would you two pipe down? I'm trying to read!"
"In the morning, Mione? You must be kidding…"
"He's looking at you." Seething glare.
"Oh? And you were watching him?"
"HARRY!"
Insane laughter.
[Staff breakfast table, 8:23 AM]
"Minerva, have you heard?"
"What, Albus?"
"Supposedly Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter have been getting rather cozy with each other."
"Albus, honestly! Picking up idle gossip from the children!"
"Well, for one, I think it is fascinating."
"I do as well."
"Oh don't encourage him, Remus!"
"How did the students know, anyway?"
"Well, you know teenagers. Sneaking off to the Astronomy tower, snogging in the closets, kissing games… the rest."
"Albus! Really!"
"Am I wrong, dear Minerva?"
Flustered, "Well, of course it does happen, but no need to point it out!"
Laughing, "Don't forget you were one too, Minerva."
"Remus!"
"I am not hearing this. I am not hearing this. I am going to my happy place."
"Albus, I do believe there is something wrong with Severus."
"He'll be all right." Laughs. "Just let him go to his happy place."
"I am in my happy place, no one can touch me. I cannot hear a thing. I cannot see a thing. I am in my happy place. La la la."
[Slytherin breakfast table, 8:19 AM]
"DRACO!"
Staring. Dazed, "Hm?"
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!"
Underneath breath, "Certainly not you."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, Pansy dearest, nothing."
"Look. You have an owl."
"What?"
"AN OWL, Draco, an OWL."
"I am aware of what an owl is, Pansy. I'm not deaf."
Mutters, "You give a good impression."
"Come here, Newkirk, my pet."
"Who's it from?"
"None of your business."
"Ooh, is it a LO~OVE letter?"
"In the morning, Pansy?"
"Well."
Decisive, "No. Now shut up and go away." Undertone, "Ugly prat."
"What did you say, Draco darling?"
Shiver. "Nothing."
A/N: Yes, there will be more. Eventually.