A/N: Hello, I'm back with a new fic. I'm just missing Doug that much.
Anyway, this may turn into a longer story if I can be bothered but at the moment it's just a letter Doug has written to Ste about leaving him.

The lyrics at the beginning and the end are from Fragile Dreams by Anathema (and the title, lol)

Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or the lyrics. Although as Hollyoaks is being written like an atrocious fanfic (Yes I'm looking at you Stendan) I don't think this matters much.

Fragile Dreams

Countless times I trusted you, I let you back in.
Knowing, yearning I know I should have run but I, I stayed

Dear Ste,

I have thought about writing to you many times since I left but I have never been able to summon up the courage to put this all down in words and send it to you. Sometimes I think that if I don't then I can pretend it's not happening, like if I just close my eyes I'm back in the flat and none of this has happened.

I miss you so much. I never thought it would hurt as much as it does to leave a person even though I know I made the right choice. I couldn't spend the rest of my life knowing that you would rather be with someone else. It doesn't stop it hurting though. I think about you constantly, even though I don't want to. I want to move on, or at least start to because I know you have but it's a lot harder than it looks. I still love you and that is never going to go away.

No matter how many times you broke my heart, I still loved you. I sometimes sit and think and wonder if you ever loved me at all or if I was just there until you figured out your feelings for Brendan. I know that you loved me but I also know that you didn't love me enough. I once asked you if I was enough on the day I proposed, do you remember? You said I was and I accepted that because I loved you so much. I wanted to believe you so desperately and I clung onto that when in reality I should have let go long before I did. Looking back it's apparent that we'd never last. You were obsessed with Brendan, you couldn't let him go and you never would. That's why I had to let you go. It just hurt too much to hold on anymore.

It was supposed to be you and me and our little Deli. When I said that I could spend the rest of my life being with you I meant it. The day you kissed me was the day I felt like my life had finally begun. Before I'd just been drifting but you and the Deli gave me a purpose that I'd never had before. You changed my life, made me into the person I am now and I will always be grateful for you doing that. I'm a better person now and that was all down to you. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time letting you go.

I often wonder how you are. Are you happy with Brendan? I hope you are because I don't want any of this to have been in vain. I would rather be miserable for the rest of my life but know that you were happy than have you be sad. I only ever wanted what was best for you and if that is Brendan then I hope he makes you happy. But I still meant what I said. If you ever decide it's me you love then I'll be there. I could wait forever for you to choose me and even if you never did then I would always still hope.

Everyone thinks that they're trying to help when they tell me that I'm too good for you and that I should just move on and find someone better. They say that you're not worth it because you broke my heart and that there is someone out there who will love me unconditionally. I smile when they say things like that and thank them for being so nice but I don't agree. I can't help but feel that I will never find anyone else. I've never even looked at another guy; I never had to because you were always enough for me. I came out and I went straight into a relationship with you; I wouldn't even know where to begin when it comes to dating. I go out with Texas and she keeps pointing out guys who she thinks are cute and asks me for an opinion but I can't give her one. I don't see them, I only see you. I don't want to but you're always on my mind. This might make me seem weird and possessive but I guess it's just my way of processing everything that has happened. I let you go physically but I'm having a harder time doing the same thing emotionally. Was that what it was like for you with Brendan? I hope not because that would mean I'm going to be hung up on you forever and as long as I will wait for you there is a part of me that wants to move on; that wants to be free and happy again.

If you ever read this then you would only think that I've been rambling on about nothing, but what else is new? I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and that I will always love you.

Yours, forever,

Doug.

Doug re-read the letter and folded it up neatly before placing it into the drawer with all the other letters he had written. He would never send it, he never intended for Ste to read them but he had to write them. The letters were rambling and frequently made no sense at all but he had to put his feelings down in words because it hurt too much to keep them locked up in his head. He was heartbroken and no matter how much he tried to hide it from Texas and his parents he couldn't hide it from himself. Writing these letters helped. He always felt slightly less sad when he had finished them. But they weren't for anyone other than him to read.

Maybe I always knew
my fragile dreams would be broken
for you.