Key to A Locked Heart
By
Skyrocket
Tomorrow is graduation day. It's strange. When I first entered high school I dreaded every new day. There were even days when I was sure I'd rather quite school then get up and endure another day.
But it's not like that now. Now, as strange as it sounds, I wish school could go on forever. And it's not because I'm afraid to leave the world of high school or to finally go out into the adult world (well, maybe the last one just a bit). It's because school is the place I think of when I think of…him. And now that school's almost over it'll mean that we're going to be separated, most likely for the rest of our lives.
I have to be strong. I have to be brave. Tomorrow isn't just graduation, it's also my last chance. My last chance to say what I should have said months ago. My last chance…to tell him that I love him.
~*~
So if I must be lonely
I think I'd rather be alone
From Save Yourself by Stabbing Westward
It all started so simply. It was a few weeks into the first semester of the first year of high school. I'd wanted to be alone so I'd gone up to the roof of the school thinking it would be empty. I was right so I spent some time staring down at the schoolyard, watching the other students talking, joking, laughing and all the other things normal kids my age did. But I wasn't a normal girl. I was a 'strange' girl.
That was when the roof access door opened and I first saw him. I hate myself for it now, but my first reaction to seeing him was annoyance. All I'd wanted was to be alone and now someone had come along and ruined it. He was wearing a gym outfit so I guessed he'd just gotten out of gym class and had come to the roof to cool off. He gave me a glance and a nod and then went over to the end of the roof far from where I was. I gave a mental shrug and went back to looking at the schoolyard. As long as he was willing to stay over there and leave me alone I could live was with sharing the roof.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I almost didn't notice him when he came over and spoke to me a few minutes later. I'm embarrassed to say this, but I don't really remember exactly what it was he said now. It was just a casual comment, the type you might make to a stranger on the street, but it was the first time since I'd started school that anyone had made any sort of an effort to talk to me.
After that he introduced himself. I was honestly a little annoyed by him talking to me. Couldn't he tell by the way I was standing that I wanted to be alone? I remember wondering if he'd picked on my feelings simply by the way I'd said "My name is Kaori Yae".
He tried to chat with me for a few minutes but I gave the most minimalist answers I could. After awhile he said goodbye and headed for his next class. I thought I was glad to be alone again. But then it dawned on me. I couldn't really remember the last time that some had tried to have a simple conversation with me. People kept their distance from me and I stayed away from them. But for some reason I realized I'd somewhat enjoyed that little chat (if you could call it that) with the boy I'd just met. It'd been a very long time since I'd enjoyed doing anything with anyone.
I thought that would be the end of it, but I kept running into him again and again at school. Every time I ran into him we'd talk a bit longer, almost always about some aspect of school life, and then at some point one of us would have to go and that would be the end of it. I tried to deny it, but more and more I started to look forward to those moments. They were little things, but they reminded me of how my life was before…no, I'm not ready to think about that just yet.
Then one day the phone rang. It was him and he was asking me out on a date. A real date. I almost dropped the phone I was so surprised. Someone wanted to take me out on a date? No, this just couldn't be right.
Though I was curious as to why he was asking me out I decided it would be best to politely turn him down. He sounded a bit disappointed but accepted my refusal and said he'd to talk to me at school they next time we met. I made a noncommittal sound and then said goodbye.
Once I hung up I went back to my room and stared into my fishtank. A boy had asked me, the strange girl, out on a date. Could it be that he honestly liked me, or did he do it because he felt sorry for me? I may not have been the sort of girl who had friends, but it's just about impossible to keep anything private in our high school. Even I'd heard that he'd already gone out on dates with Hikari Hinomoto, Akane Ichimonji, Miho Shirayuki, Kaedeko Sakura and a few of the other girls at school. Now it seemed he wanted to go out with me. What did it all mean?
I'd thought that phone call would be the end of him trying to ask me out. Much to my surprise he called a few more times over the following weeks inviting me places. Each time I said no, but each time doing so also got harder. I might have been a strange girl, but I was still a sixteen-year-old girl who couldn't shake the desire to do normal things like going with boys.
It was the fifth time that was the charm. I'd been doing some homework when he called. After he asked the question I looked over at my books and suddenly thought about how, other than homework, I rarely had any sort of plans for the weekend. And while I do actually like learning, even I get bored with schoolwork sometimes.
Maybe it was the desire for a break in my routine, maybe I just wanted the chance to a bit more like a normal girl for a few hours or maybe it was destiny, but something made me agree to go out with him.
He'd called me about the date Sunday evening and wanted to know if we could go out that Friday night. All though that week of school the question of why he'd really asked me out kept eating at me.
And then suddenly it was Friday night. I remember getting ready for our date, thinking that maybe, just maybe, this could be the first step back toward being a normal girl. So as not to make to big a deal out of it I'd decided to wear my school uniform for the date. I stopped to look in the mirror one last time before I was to leave to meet him. I actually smiled a bit, thinking that I looked rather nice.
That was when a voice in my head said "Wake up, Kaori! You know he's only doing this because he pities you. Normal guys like him go out with normal girls like Hikari. Not with strange girls like you!"
I actually shouted "No, that's not true!" out loud and even hit the mirror with my fist. But the damage was done. Was he doing this just out of pity? Could a normal boy really see something he liked in a girl like me? Was it all part of some horrible trick? God, no, please don't let it be a trick! I couldn't take being hurt like that again.
Then I ran back to my room, crawled under my bedcovers, buried my head under my pillow and cried for a very long time. Why couldn't I be normal? Why was I always alone? Why couldn't I have a normal boy like me for who I am? Why couldn't I join school clubs, have friends and go on dates like a normal girl? Why did my life always have to be this way?
~*~
I woke up the next morning still wearing my uniform. I looked in the glass of my fishtank and saw that my eyes were still red from all the crying I'd done. I then got myself cleaned up, changed clothes and thought about what he happened last night.
Why had I done that? I'd had a chance to be something like a normal girl, if just for one night but I'd run away from it. It's not like I had any evidence anyone was trying to trick me. Maybe he just wanted to spend some time with me outside of school. Maybe I was strange, but I wasn't out and out unpleasant to be around. Right?
Whatever the case I knew that I could have handled last night better. I then gave him a quick call apologized and even offered an excuse. If he truly believed that excuse or just played along with me I don't think I'll ever know. But once I'd said I was sorry he asked me out again, this time to the park.
I almost dropped the phone again. After what I'd done he still wanted to go out with me? Somehow I managed to find the courage to say yes. One date, one taste of being a normal girl was all I wanted.
The day of our date I made it a point not to look at anything with a reflective surface. I still didn't want this to be a big deal so again I donned my school uniform. I took a breath to steel myself and then headed for the park where he was waiting for me.
For the next hour or so we just walked in the park. We talked about school, the park and even people we just happen to see walking by. Well, he actually did most of the talking. Not because he was any sort of motormouth or anything; it was because I couldn't find it in myself to give anything more than a very short answer to anything he said. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I was out on a normal date that I could barely speak.
No, that's not 100% true. The fact that I was enjoying myself, that I was enjoying the company of another person the way I was, that was what scared me.
It was when we sat down on a bench by the river that things started to go wrong. That's when he stared to ask me questions. Looking back on it now I can see how harmless those questions were. Little things like what did my parents do for a living, what kind of activities did I like, where did I go to school before our school and that sort of thing. I may think those questions weren't anything now, just the normal types of things you ask anyone you want to get to know better, but that's not what I thought then.
Why was he asking these things? Did he really care about my life? Did he know about my past? Was he someone I could trust? No, I couldn't trust him no matter how nice he seemed. Not him or anyone else. Not after what happened at my old school.
I'd managed to dodge his questions for the mostpart, but the turmoil inside me eventually got to much for me. I said something curt to him and simply ran off. Just like a strange girl like myself would.
Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep again that night.
~*~
At that point I considered whatever might have been between us to be dead. I dreaded going to school more than ever before. Because I knew that sooner or later I'd see him in the halls and he'd look at me and…and it would hurt even more.
For whatever reason I didn't see him at school for several days after our date. Was he avoiding me? I made it a point to eavesdrop on the conversations of some of the more gossipy girl at school to see if there were stories going around about what had happened. They were indeed talking about him, but it was only about how he'd recently gone out with Miyuki Kotobuki. Had he keep what happened on our date a secret?
I spent the whole day thinking about what I'd learned and by the time the last bell rang I felt wound as tight as a spring. I decided to break from my normal routine of going straight home after school and to try and relax by swimming for a bit in the school pool. One of the nice things about Hibikino High is that students can use its pool after classes on days when the swim team wasn't practicing. Lucky for me today was such a day.
After changing into the swimsuit I keep in my gym locker I headed for the pool area. Luck was still with me as no one else was there. I figured I had maybe two or three hours to swim before the janitor came by to close the place up.
I'm not sure how long I spent doing laps around the pool, diving to the bottom and seeing how long I could stay there and things like that. But eventually I started to get tired and decided to climb out and rest for a while. I was sitting by the poolside, not thinking of much of anything when I realized that someone had walked up was standing beside me. It was him, also wearing a bathing suit.
Oh no, here it comes
, I thought. This is were he'll say something to me about what happened on our date. Why did I have to stay behind at school on today of all days!?But instead he simply said hello and asked if I liked to swim. That was the exact opposite of what I'd been expecting, but I managed to cover and told him that I did indeed like swimming. We then began our little ritual of small talk all over again. I couldn't believe it. After the way I'd acted on our date he was totally willing to pretend it never happened. Could this be a sign that he did really like me?
I was just starting to get into our conversation when he inadvertently dropped a bombshell on me. He said he'd decided to join the school's volleyball team. I've loved volleyball since I was a kid, but with the way I am around people I knew that actually joining at team would never work. I was sure I had the skill to be on a school team, but I also knew that a team would never accept someone like me as one of them.
And now here I was faced with a boy who'd been very kind to me going out and doing something I could only dream of. Somehow that just wasn't fair! Why should he be able to have those things and not me?
Just then he broke me from my inner thoughts by asking if I'd like to swim with him. I got control of myself and said that I had to be going. I had just turned to leave when suddenly he asked me if I was free next weekend.
Another date? After what had happened the last two times he was still willing to go out with me? Just what were his intentions toward me?
I don't know if it was because I wanted to try and find out just what his intentions toward me were, if it was to say I was sorry for the way our late two dates had gone, if it was still that desire I had to be like a normal girl, or some combination of all three but I again said yes.
There was still about a week and a half before out date. I hadn't even talked to him about where we were going to go and yet I kept thinking about it. And him. Maybe if I knew more about him I could figure out why he kept asking me out.
I checked some of the school bulletin boards and found out that the volleyball would be practicing in the gym that Friday after school. And since he'd just joined the team it was likely that he'd be there. I don't know why, but for some reason I felt that if I could see him playing the sport that meant so much to me I'd get some clue as to how he felt about me. I know how silly it sounds now, but at the time it made sense.
That Friday at practice time I snuck over to the gym and peeked in the window. Sure enough, he and the rest of the volleyball team were there and already in the middle of a practice game. I stood there and watched him play. This may sound corny, but I believe that if a person truly loves to do something then it will show when they're doing it. I knew that when I swam and played volleyball the happiness I feel shines so that anyone who looks at me could tell I was enjoying myself.
I saw that exact same look on him as he played.
So we really did have something in common; a true love of volleyball. I knew it was a small thing, but just for a moment then, I wanted to be in that gym playing right by his side.
Just then he jumped up and slammed the ball over the net and straight toward the floor. Two of the kids on the other team dived for it but missed. As it turned out that was the point that won his side the match. His team gave a victory cheer and I noticed one of the girls on his team giving him an appreciative look. A look then said she was interested in more than his abilities on the court.
After that I decided I couldn't take it anymore and went home. I spent several hours in my room alternating between staring into my fishtank and glancing over at the volleyball that had lay unused for so long in a dusty corner.
~*~
He called me a few days later to ask if I'd be interested in going to the aquarium for our date. I smiled just a little when I told him that would be fine. In addition to swimming and volleyball I also happen to really like fish. All the hours I've spent staring into my fishtank can certainly attest to that. Had he know somehow about how I felt about fish or was this some lucky coincidence? I thought about that for a while and then decided that just this once I wouldn't care.
Considering how our first two attempts at going out had ended I was nervous about what might happen this time around. But much to my surprise the evening started off nice and stayed that way. The aquarium had added several new exhibits since the last time I was there and we ended up seeing almost all of them. We went to a dolphin show, the penguin house, a small theater showing a documentary on some scientists studying a deep ocean trench, several tanks with fish from all over the world, the pens where the seals, walruses and sea turtles when kept and even an exhibit on new types of undersea exploration vehicles.
By then it was getting close to the aquarium's closing time but I wanted a last look at the tropical fish exhibit. Soon the two of us were in front of the exhibit, staring at some fish that normally swim in the waters of the Caribbean Sea. I remember whispering about how beautiful the fish were. He then asked me if I liked fish. And that's when it happened. I turned to answer him but was stopped by his face. The look in his eyes…it was so clear that even I could sense that he was truly interested in my answer. I know it's another thing that most people wouldn't consider very important but it cut me to the quick.
I then got a hold on myself and managed to say that I did indeed like fish very much. Then I found myself talking about the fish I kept in my room and how I liked to watch them swim. I couldn't believe I'd shared something like that with him! I'd yet to tell anyone at school that I liked fish, much less owned some.
But he only smiled and told my that my fish were lucky to be owned by someone who must of cared for them very much. In spite of myself I gave him a small smile.
It was then that he reached into his coat and took out a small blue box wrapped in yellow ribbon and handed it to me. He said it was a thank you gift for all the fun he'd had on our dates. He said it was also a belated birthday gift since he hadn't known my birthday until just recently.
I just stood there silent trying to figure out what to do. Should I open it now? Later? What was it? How did he find out my birthday? And how could he want to give me something after the way our previous dates had gone?
I guess he read my indecision as embarrassment because he said that it wasn't anything special and that I could open it later at home if I wanted. I just nodded, said a little "Thank you," and slipped the package into my pocket.
Once I got home I headed for my room, sat down on the bed and opened my gift. Inside was a small but beautiful piece of jewelry shaped like a cat. I love cats just as much as I love fish and again I wondered if him somehow knowing just the sort of thing I would like was just luck or if he'd somehow gone to the trouble to find out my tastes. And if he had gone though all that trouble why? Could it be that he liked me that much?
As soon as that thought went though my head I discounted it. I suddenly remembered that the school gossip mill had said he'd also given gifts to the other girls he'd been seeing on their birthdays. I wasn't sure what they'd been given, but from what I'd heard the girls and been very pleased with their gifts.
So what did that mean for me? That he was treating me the same as the other girls he was going out with? Was that really a bad thing? If he was going out with them and giving them birthday presents then he must have seen something in them that he liked. What could it be that he sees in me? Does he see anything in me, or was I right before and he's just spending time with me because he pities me?
It was all just to much to think about right then. No matter what happened I'd have to thank him for the gift the next time I saw him. Whatever his reasons for giving it to me I couldn't deny that I liked it.
I sat the jewelry by my fishtank and then went to bed. In my dreams I kept seeing fish swimming in the air interspersed with images of him smiling.
~*~
Hold me closer, closer
let me go let me be just let me be
From Trippin' on a Hole in a Paper Heart by Stone Temple Pilots
Things continued on like that for another few months. He'd call me up every few weeks and we'd go someplace like the public pool, the botanical garden, a movie or some such place. As before he always seemed to pick some place that I'd like. And every time we'd do something I'd find myself talking a bit more, smiling a bit more feeling…normal just a precious bit more.
I enjoyed spending time with him, that much I was willing to admit to myself. But was I started to have feelings for him? After what had happened at my old school was I really willing to let myself start to feel those sort of things again? I found myself looking into a mirror a lot then, trying to convince myself that it wasn't true. But even I could only lie to myself for long. Eventually I was able to admit it to myself; I did have feelings for him.
God help me.
I knew he was going out with other girls besides me and honestly that didn't bother me. He asked them out about as often as he did me so it wasn't as if anyone one of us was receiving any sort of special attention from him. Besides, I was enjoying the time I spent with him. And as scared as I was about what I was feeling I didn't want to stop being around him.
At least that was how things were until that fateful ski trip. It was just after New Year's and I'd found that my feelings for him were getting stronger. For Christmas he'd gotten me a very nice pair of volleyball shoes in just the right size and in a color I liked. I felt like I wanted to die when I explained that I hadn't gotten him anything. He just smiled and said that if I'd agree to go on a ski date with him next week that would be present enough.
I agreed and soon found myself digging my old ski outfit from the back of my closet. I considered myself lucky that I'd actually skied a few times before. I wasn't very good, but at least I'd be able to walk in my skis without falling flat on my butt. Hopefully.
On the day of our date he met me at the Hibikino Train Station where we quickly boarded the train to the resort, our usual small talk filling up the ride. Once we arrived and secured out ski passed it was time to hit the slopes. I felt my heart pounding a bit harder than normal then. Was it because I was with him or was it in preparation for the skiing to come?
Whatever it was I started to feel better once we started skiing. To my relief he wasn't much better at it than I was. On our second run down an easy slope he took a turn to fast and ended up in a snowbank. I remember feeling scared that he may have been hurt as I skied over to check on him. But just as I got there he managed to dig himself free. He then turned at me and chuckled as he brushed some snow from his hair. I remember thinking how he happened to look kinda cute then.
That thought almost made blush. I remember hoped the cold on my face had hidden it. I then said since he was okay we should get back to skiing. We then did another three runs with no problem. But the fourth run was when it happened.
I was almost to the bottom of the slope when I hit a rock and took a tumble. As soon as I stopped and regained my wits I realized that my left ankle hurt. I reached back to examine it to see if it was broken. Over a lot of years of playing volleyball I've had my share of sprained ankles so I know quite well how to tell a sprain from an actual break. Lucky for me it was just a sprain.
That was the moment he skied up asking if I was okay. I looked up at him to assure him I was okay but the look in his eyes stopped me cold. I saw concern which was to be expected. But what I didn't count on seeing was fear. He'd honestly been afraid that I might have been seriously hurt. He was probably feeling the same way I'd felt when I saw him crash into that snowbank.
But I'd felt that fear for his safety because…because…I was starting to have real feelings for him! If he was worried about me in the same way could in be that he felt the same way toward me?
No. No. No! It couldn't be! Normal boys don't like strange girls! Not with girls like me! That's just the way things are and I was foolish to think otherwise!
I quietly assured him that I was all right and said that we should get going. Tomorrow would be our first day back at school and if we wanted get back home in time to get enough sleep we should leave now. He seemed a bit puzzled by my attitude but agreed.
It was on the ride home that I told him I didn't think we should see each other anymore. He almost choked on the soda he'd been sipping but quickly regained his composure. Then he started to ask me why. I knew this part would be hard, but, god, it was more difficult than I ever thought it would be. I wanted to ask him how he felt about me right then and there more than I ever wanted anything in my life. But if I did that and it turned out he didn't feel the way I though he did about me…I couldn't even think of that it was so horrible.
All I would say in regard to his questions was that I though that this would be best for both of us. After a while he gave up asking me things and we finished the trip in silence. Neither of us said anything when he dropped me off at home either. I remember watching him walk away and just for a crazy moment wanting to run after him to tell him that I didn't mean what I said and that I cared about him.
Instead I went back inside the house, changed, made myself a quick dinner, watched a bit of TV and went to bed. I cried myself to sleep again that night.
~*~
You don't know how you move me
Deconstruct me
And consume me
I'm all used up
I'm out of luck
I am starstruck
By something in your eyes that is keeping my hope alive
But I'm sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think, baby, you don't know
From Sick of Myself by Matthew Sweet
The next day at school I found myself dreading seeing him in the halls again. But by the time class was over I'd yet to see him. In a way I was glad since I didn't feel the pain I knew would come once I laid eyes on him. But in another way I was scared, since that meant I'd have go though tomorrow feeling the same sense of dread I'd had all of today. As if that wasn't enough it turned out that it was my day to help clean the classroom. Normally two students do this, but the girl who was supposed to help me was absent.
I was cleaning the chalkboard when I heard someone rapping on the class door behind me. I turned and somehow I knew who would be standing there. It was him. He said hello in a manner more formal that his norm and asked if we could talk. Part of me wanted to just start crying and apologize to him right then. Instead I just turned back to the chalkboard and said I didn't think I had anything to say to him.
Then he said if that's how I felt that was fine but that he had something he wanted to say. I stopped washing the board and turned to look at him again. He then said that if he'd done something to make me mad or hurt my feelings that he was sorry. He said that he considered me a friend who he liked to spend time with and whose friendship he didn't want to lose. And once more he asked me why I didn't want to be around him anymore.
Unbelievable. He was blaming himself again for my reactions to my feelings for him. I couldn't believe I didn't realize it sooner. In wanting to protect myself from my feelings for him I'd ended up hurting him. I'd hurt the only person in so long to show any real amount of kindness. I'd hurt the person I…
While I'd been thinking all that he'd been waiting for me to say something. I asked him if he really considered me a friend. He nodded and said he considered me a very good friend at that was why he didn't want to stop seeing me.
And I knew, in my heart, what he'd said was absolutely true. He did consider me a friend and he did like to spend time with me. After so long I'd finally found one person whose words I could believe no matter what. I'd found someone I could trust again.
I said that since those were his words I couldn't help but believe them. I then told him that what I'd said on the train was just an overreaction to being embarrassed about him seeing me hurt myself skiing.
This time I was sure he didn't believe my story but he let it pass and offered to help me clean the classroom. The extra set of hands helped the work go quicker, but not as much as the newfound lightness I suddenly found in my heart.
Once we were done we walked to my house together, talking about everyday things just as we always had. We when reached my house he asked me if I'd be interested in going to the aquarium again this weekend. I accepted and again gave him a little smile.
I remember lying in my bed that night, turning the day's events over and over again in my head. I remember actually feeling scared whenever I thought about just how close I'd come to driving him away. I thought about how safe I suddenly felt knowing that I now had at least one person I could trust. And I remember finally admitting to myself that I really did care for him.
I went to sleep smiling that night.