Remember when we first became fellows?We were both so eager to get onto the heli.When I was dropped from heli duty on the first day and you took over, I thought you would shove my failure in my face.
But you didn't.
Shiraishi Megumi felt like a failure. And that is not common in her everyday life before this. Her entire life, she aced through her studies, her duties, never messing up so badly as she did on site.
The crushing feeling, she felt for not being able to do as good as she and the rest of the staff have expected her to be, not sitting well with her.
And to think, if it wasn't for Aizawa's skills, confidence and proficiency the patient would have lost their life. And it would be her fault. It had been a few days after that incident where she froze and did nothing to help treating the patient and since then she had been faking her smiles in front of the other fellows.
Having people feeling bad or pitying her situation is not something she can handle right now. She was already trying hard to not break and having people sympathize over her is not going to give any benefits at all.
So, there she was. Hiding in the equipment store during lunch break. It had only been a few days she had been at Shohoku but her keen observation skills are still on point. There was nobody around in there during lunch break which makes it a great place for her to escape.
Or so she thought.
He came in so quietly that Megumi didn't even notice him at first. So when she finally saw him, she was surprised. And maybe a little bit embarrassed. Tears were still running down her chin. Her nose was runny and her hair was in a mess.
In short, it was definitely not a pretty sight.
He seems to not take notice of her dishevelled appearance and was focusing on finding some scalpels.
"How did you do it Aizawa? Weren't you afraid?" Megumi did not expect that she was able to voice those questions out but the calming presence of Aizawa allowed her to speak up her mind.
"I just froze. The patient was waiting for me to save him. He was on the verge of death and he would be gone if it wasn't for Kuroda-sensei. You should have been chosen for the heli duty in the first place. Not me."
The male fellow allowed Shiraishi to finish, not interrupting the young women as she continues ranting in frustration.
"I was terrified. But excitement took that over." He paused as he looked to Shiraishi in the eye.
"You were chosen over me because you had what it takes. Kuroda-sensei saw your capability. That was why you were chosen. Stop doubting yourself. This was just a mistake out of many more to come. If you are going to give up just because of this, you are weaker than I originally thought you were."
His words are relatively harsh but it was thanks to them that Shiraishi Megumi regained her strength back.
"Thanks, Aizawa." She was sincere in thanking him.
"That doesn't mean I'm going to allow you to take my place on the heli so easily."
Shiraishi smiled. "I know."
Remember when I was the reason your mentor can never be the surgeon he was again? I thought you would hate me.
But you didn't.
They were all in the room. The fellows, their director, the flight nurse and the amazing surgeon that had lost everything.
Shiraishi was hanging her head down low. She can't face him. After what she had done, how can she?
Kuroda-sensei may never be inside of a OR ever again, he can never be part of any exciting cases anymore. He would have to leave the department. And probably the profession as a whole.
And it was all due to her. It was her fault.
Kuroda-sensei was trying to save her. Because he was an admirable man. But she was stupid and reckless. She didn't know better and tried to dash into the that place without a second thought. And in the end, it was her that had to pay for her actions. It was Kuroda-sensei.
"I wish I hadn't met you all." Her every control of her emotions snapped. She can't take it anymore. It had been days since the incident happened. And even though nobody said it in her face, she knew they were all thinking the same thing.
'It is your fault. If it wasn't for you, this would not have happen. Shohoku would not have lose their most prized surgeon.'
She ran.
Even when the storm was obviously brewing outside, she ran. Without a second thought.
Even when she heard Aizawa calling her name, she kept running towards the heliport.
Digging through the pockets of her scrubs, one by one of her prized notebooks and medical guidebooks were flung onto the wet ground.
The hours that she spent on them means nothing now. All that she felt when she saw those wet papers being drenched by the rain and the pages are no longer readable was anguish and resent.
Those hours, means nothing now. She destroyed a man's life. Nothing in those notes can help her fix that in any way.
"You're not the only one who's feeling miserable." He was trying to comfort her. In his own way. He was trying to say that he was at fault too.
But his situation is much difference from hers. Much, much different. He cut Kuroda-sensei's arm off in an effort to save their mentor's life. She was the one that got Kuroda-sensei's life on the line. It was completely her fault. Aizawa had nothing to do with it. She knows that and so does everyone.
"I shouldn't have come here!" Aizawa said nothing as he allows the woman to cry her heart out in the rain.
They were finally inside again. After both of them had taken a much needed hot shower, the empty staff room was the only place that the two can be in.
"Here."
"Thanks." said Shiraishi as she reached for the cup of hot coffee from Aizawa.
The stoic male then took a seat opposite of the female as the two were engulfed in silence.
It wasn't really uncomfortable. It was comforting even. So they stayed like that for almost an hour, both completely engrossed in their own thoughts. After the coffee has finally cooled off, Shiraishi started to talk.
"Do you blame me?" and she realised how coarse her voice sounds like. She cried and shouted too much in the rain.
"No."
"Don't lie to me Aizawa."
"I'm not. It wasn't your fault. It was mine."
"You saved his life. I was the one that endangered his. You have no reason to be sorry."
"I was the one that cut off his hand Shiraishi."
"And I was the one that led to it! If it wasn't for my recklessness, Kuroda-sensei would not be in this situation." she started off shouting before gradually toning it down. The next sentence came in a whisper. "I should have been the one crushed by that bar. Not him."
"Then you are stupid to think like that."
Silence again.
"Do you hate me Aizawa? For what I have done?" she asked looking straight into his eyes.
"Do you hate me for what I have done?"
Silence.
"Then you have your answer."
Remember the time when we got drunk and spent all night talking about our problems? You talked about your situation with your father and me with mine.I thought you would forget it all in the morning.
But you didn't.
"This is the latest treatment report." It was a report for the lung cancer treatment in the US.
"You remembered?"
"Yeah."
"I wanted it all to be lie. About both of our dads. It just seems unfair don't you think? To have all of these news crashing down onto us when we least expected it."
I've said some selfish things too remember? But you didn't get angry with me as I thought you originally would.
"I don't know if it's a good thing that my father being dead was a lie. He was never a part of my life in any way."
I wasn't able to say anything and you didn't expected me to. As always, silence is our best option. And as always, having you beside me was always comforting.
Remember when I insisted to go for the touch-and-go when my father's plane crashed?I thought you would stop me.
But you didn't.
"If you're anxious and can't concentrate because you are anxious then don't go. They need doctors." His words were demeaning and serious as always as he said them to Shiraishi.
He knew how worried Shiraishi was. It is inevitable, it's her beloved father that was on that plane after all. Part of him knows how important it was for Shiraishi to get there to check up on her father but his Lifesaving instinct knows which one to prioritize.
"I know." Aizawa knew she was serious and he also know when they get there, she cannot focus unless she knows her father is fine. But above all, he didn't say anything. Because he trusted her judgments.
Remember when we finished our fellowship and you chose to go to neurosurgery?I thought I'll never see you as much and you will soon forget about Lifesaving, about me.
But you didn't.
"I'm here for the consultation." Shiraishi smiled.
Even when he transferred over to neurosurgery, he was always there for Lifesaving whenever they make a call for consultations.
A lot of surgeons from neurosurgeon department said that Aizawa was being quite biased towards Lifesaving but none of those comments affected him at all. Lifesaving was his root, and he was not going to up and leave the place that had taught him so much just like that.
And also…
"Here." Shiraishi said as she handed him the usual tin of coffee and the male doctor took it before he sat next to Shiraishi on the railing at the heliport.
Weirdly enough, they can't seem to break the tradition that the two have.
They never scheduled these meetings but they just know that they will see each other there.
Mostly all they talk are about the patients. But most times they don't talk at all. But it was never awkward. Just knowing the other is beside another, it is all that matters.
Remember when I asked you to come back to Lifesaving and you refused?I though we'll never have you back. I thought you left Lifesaving for good.
But you didn't.
"What made you decide to come back?"
"Because… you're interesting."
You really like making fun of me didn't you?
Remember when I was being very stubborn about my way of teaching the interns? You said I was being too soft on them and I got angry with you and that led us into a fight?I thought you would give up with me.
But you didn't.
"Thanks. And sorry."
"Hmm?"
"For helping to guide those three fellows. And I'm sorry for getting angry with you last time."
"Hmm." Aizawa Kousaku is a man of a few words but that alone was enough to set Shiraishi Megumi at ease.
Remember the time when I insisted you to go for the Toronto residency? I was very persistent in trying to convince you.I thought you ignored what I have said.
But you didn't.
"I'm going. For the residency." Shiraishi who was just about to take a sip from her coffee froze midway.
"That's great Aizawa!"
Aizawa pulled a small smile before he said, "It was partly thanks to you."
Remember the time you went for the residency?
I thought you were going to stay there and never return to Shohoku. To us in Lifesaving.Never coming back to me.
But you didn't.
"Shiraishi-sensei, there is someone that is asking for you." the staff leader was busy keying in her patient's files into the system when Fujikawa Haruka called for her.
"Who?" she asked, never taking her eyes away from the monitor.
"You'll see." the flight nurse said with a small smile. Megumi was confused. Who would be wanting to see her at this hour? It is 10 minutes to midnight already.
Everyone that she passed by was smiling at her already. Was there something on her face?
When she reached the Lifesaving Staff Station, she finally saw him.
He was smiling that quirky smile of his.
"Hi there." her voice was already shaking.
"Hi Shiraishi."
"You're back." Her eyesight was getting blurry.
"I'm back."
"Welcome home." she smiled. She was happy. After almost 5 years he is finally here. In front of her eyes again.
"I'm home." he never realized how much he missed her smile. It was worth it to come to Shohoku first after he got off his flight. He missed Shohoku. He missed her.
There was a lot of things that you didn't do.
But you loved me,
"You may now kiss the bride."
Aizawa Kousaku slowly reached for Shiraishi- no, she's an Aizawa now.
She is now his wife.
He reached for her chin and planted a soft peck on her forehead.
The rest of the guest booed him down for that but none of that matters because Megumi didn't say anything.
She just smiled that brilliant smile of hers, as if she could never be happier.
And that could be said the same for him.
Aizawa Kousaku was not the type that loves to do PDA so even him planting a kiss on her forehead was enough for Aizawa Megumi. All that she knows is that he loves her and that is all that matters.
Their wedding was truly one of the happiest days of her life.
You were very patient with me,
"Kou-kun… I want ice-cream."
"Megu, it's 3 in the morning."
"Fine." she was being selfish, she knows that. Her husband just returned from a very gruelling operation that took 12 hours. He needed and deserves all the rest that he can get. But she just need to wake him up because she was craving for sweets late at night.
Megumi chose to turn facing the dresser rather than facing her husband. Her eyes already getting teary. She was being impossible honestly.
"You're sulking right now aren't you?"
"Am not." But then she heard a sigh before the bed creaked a bit and the warm body that was lying next to her a few seconds ago was gone.
"Kou-kun?" Megumi called for her husband who was racking their closet for one of his sweater.
"Rocky road and chocolate peppermint, right?"
He was sleep deprived, but he was willing to get away from the comfort of their bed to fulfil her demands.
"Yup!" but it was all worth it to see the smile that he loves so much carved onto his pregnant wife's face.
Always being there for me,
That was the 5th time today and it wasn't lunch yet. She was put to bed rest by her gynaecologist, Hiyama and also forced to do so by the rest of the Lifesaving staff.
"Megu? I bought oranges and porridge." Aizawa Kousaku who just returned from his shift placed the food onto the dinner table before rushing to the bathroom where his wife was throwing up the contents of her stomach.
"Just rest on the bed okay? I'll prepare the food for you." He was always so patient and so attentive to her. She truly has the best husband.
Protected me and our small family,
"She has your nose, and your face Kou-kun."
"Ah."
That was one of the few times I've seen you cried and I can't believe how lucky I was to have you as my husband and how fortunate it is for our daughter to have you as her father. You would always be there for both of us and you would always protect us.
I have received so much from you, so I wanted to give back those happiness that you have given me, ten and thousand times more.
So when you went for the heli duty where the tunnel crumbled, I prayed so hard that you will return back to be safe and sound.
"He went in to save more people. We thought it was already safe and secured. But the top crumbled and crashed down."
It was a lie.
"We thought we had time to save him."
No, it had to be a lie.
"I'm sorry Aizawa-sensei. We weren't able to save your husband. He passed away on site."
I want our daughter to grow up being so protected by her father. I want you to return to my side.
But you didn't.
A/N : Pretty sure most of you already expected the ending based on the title. whatever you do, please don't kill me. I'm sorry if this fic is too depressing. But I am VERY VERY proud of this one. I got the inspiration of this from a short comic strip I found online titled 'But you didn't', hence the name of this fic.
P.S. for those who had been PM-ing me and all that I'm so sorry I've been totally off the radar. It's hard to even access this site since my country actually blocked the site (stupid people, fanfic site you block, porn sites you don't block ah? sorry, my malay is showing). I'm only using the app to update the fics and it's damn hard to edit the documents that I've uploaded using the phone honestly but I do hope, it is still doing all of you justice. Comments are very much loved. (please do leave comments. I'm a second year in university and my days are VERY boring so your comments are very VERY VERY much loved.)