Title : It's Not Alright
Summary: It was not alright and she knew it would never be alright again.
Disclaimer: Characters, not mine. Show, not mine. Don't sue.
Rating : Trainee and it's ANGST, you got the warning.
A/N : Believe me, I'm more shocked than you are when I finish this fic. ;) Thanks Erin for her wonderful betaing and opinions, also for knowing what I want to mean the feelings in English, lol, you rock, girl. ::hugs:: And this fic is for SJ because she's the birthday girl, hope she won't mind an angst fic as a birthday present, Happy Birthday SJ:)
She knew it would happen, eventually. She was ready for this day to arrive---or at least, she thought she was ready. But when it arrived, it hurt like hell, and she felt her heart shattered to pieces and bleeding.
And there was angry, too. Underneath all the pain, she felt angry---about him, about herself, and about everything they shared together, the friendship, the comforts, the chemistry, everything.
But where was her place to feel hurt and angry?
And why she felt hurt and angry?
Was it because They seemed like not talk to each other anymore? Was it because she thought he would tell her about the relationship between him and Sara but he didn't?
Yes, they had been friends for like twenty years. Yes, he was closed off most of the time but he was open to her---and sometimes only to her. She thought she would be the one he would tell if he did have a relationship.
She thought they had a friendship that was stronger than everything else. But, apparently, it didn't look like in this way. He shut her down and built the walls between them.
And she thought there was something between them more than friendship. She thought they could be more than friends, more than the partners in work.
But she was wrong again.
So wrong that she felt like everything she thought they had was fake, everything she believed in was illusion.
But the tears she cried for him were not illusion. But the heartache she had when she saw them together was not illusion. But the truth of they being a couple was not illusion.
They were all real. They were the facts---the facts that haunted her day after day, minute after minute, second after second.
She tried to accept the reality of the situation. She was not the one with which he shared his bed. She was not the one he loved enough to be with. She and Gil Grissom were nothing but friends. She thought they were best friends, but it seemed like their bond that she believed in disappeared when he was with Sara.
She tried. God knew she tried so hard. She tried to get used to not work with him anymore. She tried to get used to not having breakfasts or dinners with him anymore. She tried to accept that they weren't best friends anymore. She tried.
But when you had been so used to something or having someone in your life, it was really hard to let it go. It was like the drug addiction, you couldn't quit in a beat, it was not that simple.
But nobody said it was that simple, either.
Things were never simple for Catherine Willows.
She knew---she always knew it. She should have never let this man come to her heart. She should have never had someone so close in life. But she just never knew the things between her and Grissom would be this complicated.
"Never doubt, never look back, that's how I live my life."
These words, once she told him, came back to her mind every time she felt the heartache building in her heart.
Every single day, she tried to accept the facts. She tried to pull herself together. She tried to be the woman her co-workers used to see. She tried not to be effected by Grissom and his relationship with another woman.
But things would never be the same. She and Grissom would never go back to where they used to be.
There were some things that just could never be fixed. There were some wounds that just would never be healed.
She understood...but accepting the truth was harder than she thought.
It was not alright. And she knew it would never be alright again.
The end.