I take a breath, looking down onto the city and wonder if I can run away.
I know I could swing away- hide away forever and never be found, it would so so easy. I let out a sigh and lean onto the balcony rails hearing the obnoxious laughs of the social elite behind me with Tony, fake stupid laughs and poisonous glares because I dared fall in love. Its exhausting.
And they keep touching me
They keep brushing their hands along my arm or coming a little bit too close and its stifling and terrifying, I'm not made to be trapped in there, I won't.
And I hear him come out, I don't turn around because I already know how handsome he looks tonight, dark black suit with a red silk inlay and a red tie, black shined shoes worth more than a year of my wages, his usual stubble shaven apart from his goatee- his hair is probably perfectly groomed, his eye's are probably warm as they usually are when they look at me- as I hope they'll always be. But I have my doubts.
"Peter?" He asks gently and I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye hating how dirty they make me feel
"Tony, you should be inside- your guests will miss you." I tell him but I won't look at him can't look at him
"Let them." He says calmly and stands behind me, arms around my waist and a head on my shoulder and It feels safe and I let myself relax into his hold, though I know I shouldn't- I shouldn't let myself be so weak again, shouldn't force him into picking up the pieces. I told him I was fixed.
"Please Tony." I whisper hoping he'll ignore me and hold me tight- and he does, dropping a kiss onto my head
"If they only knew who you are Peter Rabbit." Tony murmured and I laughed bitterly
"They'd sneer." I say calmly and Tony sighed and kisses my neck
"Don't stay out here to long, I've got a surprise for you." Tony whispers and I breathe in the scent of his aftershave in the air as he walks away and the emptiness around my waist has become bitterly clear.
I look out into the city again, watching as the stars glitter in the sky, able to be seen now that the Arc reactor is powering most of the city- self sustaining energy so all the light pollution which had hidden the stars before had cleared, the dirt had been rubbed away to reveal beauty, but despite this I couldn't help but feel sad, after all- most of those stars were already dead. Now all that was left of them was a black hole-sucking in all the life around it. Reaching out and grabbing anything- everything it could to try and feel whole again.
I sigh and stop that train of thought.
"I am loved. I am happy. I am not broken." I murmur under my breath remembering Tony holding me after a particularly bad flash back and whispering it in my ear
"You are loved Peter Parker. You can be happy if you let yourself and I won't let you break kiddo- you're perfect and I love you!" Tony had whispered into my ear as he cradled me rocking me as I cried, like a pathetic new born.
"Damn right you are."
I hear a bemused voice say and I turn around to find Natasha watching me, a black dress accentuating her bodies tiny waist but loosening around the hips, chiffon I think the material's called- my mother used to wear it.
"Here to eat my head?" I ask tiredly and Natasha laughs amused
"Not quite little Spider." She says softly and moves closer to me allowing me to smell her perfume, a soft floral scent which unless you know her would not suit the bad ass Black Widow but those who did knew that the pretty but comforting scent suited Natasha to a tee'
"Tony sent you?" I murmur and Natasha stands next to me leaning onto the balcony rail
"Yeah Kid' but I was heading this way anyway. You getting a bit claustrophobic kid?" Natasha asked and I laugh nervously
"That obvious?" I ask self consciously and Natasha laughed
"No, but I'm an assassin. I'm trained to spot discomfort and manipulate it. And you are but a boy Peter Parker, The world is still far too big and these snobs' opinion still means too much- but it changes, you get older- memories, even the bad one's- become just that. But Pete' you've got to give it time." Natasha says calmly and I scowl
"I'm not a boy." I tell her and she chuckles
"Yes you are Peter- it what makes you so special, you are still so pure hearted. You still- when you are not suffering from flash backs see the beauty in the world, You will one day be so great that it inspires us- but you haven't lost that potential yet. You haven't grown into a specific role because you are still finding your place Peter- you are still a boy. But that doesn't mean you are weak. I've seen men twice your age go through less and break faster- but not you Peter. And the sooner you realise you have the world at your finger tips if you'd dare just grab it the sooner you'll understand, and to all that is good I hope you understand." Natasha tells me, her eye's alight, her voice holding Russian undertones from the passion in what she was saying
"How long until it hurts less?" I ask her, tears in my eye's and she sighs and pulls me into her side and I sigh. Natasha is great- like a Mum and Sister rolled into one
"I don't know, but I'll be there when it does." She says softly and I smile softly
"Thank you." I whisper and hear AC/DC "Shoot to kill." begin playing and know Tony is phoning, I pull out my phone and wonder why he can't just come outside
"Hey Tony." I greet
"Look up in about four seconds Pete'." Tony says calmly and I do. To see the words 'The way you look tonight' flashing in the air on what looks like a jet, our first song. Our first dance, stupid swaying in his apartment and the smell of aftershave and stupid younger naïve thoughts of love- that weren't so naïve after all
"I love you so much more than you can imagine Peter Parker. Do you understand that?" Tony's voice whispers in my ear and I gasp not realising he had come behind me
"I-I'm beginning to." I whisper and for the first time since before the rape I allow myself to try and believe I am better then what Carnage made me
"Then tonight- dance with me, forget about the world." He says calmly and I turn and grip at his shirt, kissing the corner of his mouth and trying- trying to formulate the words to tell him I could feel everything fixing, I could nearly understand. I could let go.
Tony laughs calmly and wraps his arms around me dragging me back in doors as Tony Bennett plays and we dance.
I can let go
I'm in the papers the next day- not as Spider-man but as Tony's fiancé. Wearing a suit with my black framed glasses perched on my nose, I look okay I suppose
Peter-rabbit. The cutest boy this side of NY?
I read as I sit in the kitchen dressed in only a loose pair of joggers, being careful of how I'm sat...needless to say despite his age Tony's still got 'it' and I'm not much in the mood for anything tighter then joggers
"Peter-rabbit, they've stolen your nickname- how do you feel about Bunny?" I hear Tony ask and my right eye twitches
"I'm a Man dammit' a Manly, Manly Spider man! Not a Freaking' Rabbit!" I complain and squeak as Tony smirks darkly and I suddenly believe that the Joggers won't be going on again after this as he grabs me and throws me over his shoulder.
-HK-
Merry x-mas guys. Or Hope you had a happy Hanukkah! Here's a little pressie from me! Its not much but I hope you like it :)