AN: This is a little angsty one shot that has a happy ending, I promise.
I'm not ready to forgive you.
As the lights from the city begin to peek out from behind the clouds, her heart rate steadily increases, as if her heart is trying to match the thumping in her chest with speed of the life down below her. She closes her eyes and tries to steady her breathing as the plane descends into a city she isn't sure will remember her. Because, while her travels have given her a sense of peace that she had only ever imagined, this new found clarity isn't enough to untangle the knots in her stomach. She tries to muster up her waning sense of courage, praying that the bravery that had allowed her to be strong enough to take this journey in the first place is strong enough to bring her back to where she hopes she still belongs.
It has been over a year since she last set foot in this airport, so the thought of being back is more than a little overwhelming. As the wheels hit the tarmac, the flight attendants start to announce travel information, which she tunes out because for once she isn't connecting to somewhere else.
"Welcome to Washington D.C!" The attendant announces and then the radio goes silent. She grabs her bags and scurries quickly off the plane. It is crowded and loud, just as she knew it would be, but she also finds the noise to be eerily silent. It has become far too easy to let the voices of the people around her blend into nonexistent murmurs as she walks along. It is something that has been happening since her journey began. But, she has long since realized that once she finally stopped listening for the voices of those she knew wouldn't be calling, everyone had begun to sound the same.
The wind whips against her tanned skin as she stands on the curb to hail a cab before she can change her mind and follow her instinct to run. Her journey made her better. Stronger. Braver. But she is done running.
His address rolls off her tongue and suddenly it is too late to take it back. A smile appears on her lips as the cab driver nods and pulls out slowly onto the nearly deserted streets. It is dark, but the sky is clear and the city seems to glow under the full moon. The buildings blend together as they zip by, but she begins to see places she remembers; things that remind her of him.
The place where she used to get her coffee after her morning runs, the bar that the team went to after a long case, even the navy yard itself flashes through her window. She notices the lights on and wonders if a certain MCRT is still there.
But for some reason it's the grocery store on the corner of her old street that sends a jolt of pain through her heart. She closes her eyes again and takes a deep breath. The solidarity had done her good. It allowed her to find the pieces of her that were missing; the parts that were capable of love and warmth. Coming to terms with old memories and relinquishing the pain that haunted her past had broken down the remainder of her barriers and dissolved the stone wall around her heart. But with her new perspective of herself, she realized many things about others as well. While she has been able to come to terms with almost all of her mistakes, there was one that still hangs heavy in her heart.
Tonight she is going to fix it.
The cab ride is far too short and suddenly they stop in front of his building. She hesitates, her hand on the door and the other one rests on the baby carrier in the back seat. The cab driver seems to sense her predicament, because he turns around in his seat to face her.
"I'm sure he missed you," he offers politely.
She just stares at him, unsure of how he is able to read her so easily. She used to be unreadable, a skill that had served her well many times before, but now that all seems like a life time ago. So, she merely smiles and gives a shaky nod, because the cabbie is right after all, she is worried that he has forgotten about her.
"Both of you."
Her smile wavers, and she feels her eyes start to burn. If only he knew how badly she messed up, then he wouldn't be so nice to her. He would realize why she didn't think the man upstairs was going to be happy to see her.
"He's never met her has he?" The man adds quietly.
Once again she shakes her head, as she swallows the lump in her throat.
"Don't worry about it. I'm sure he will love her just as much as you do," he pauses and takes in her quivering lip and blurry eyes, before he speaks again. "But I'll wait down here for a little while just in case, okay?"
Her head shoots up and she opens her mouth, but finds that no words come out.
"Go get him," the man says with a reassuring nod.
She smiles and hands him her fee before grabbing her precious cargo and stepping out onto the pavement. The wind has stopped. The night is uncharacteristically still as she glances up at the window of the man she has spent the last year thinking about. His lights are still on, but the curtains are closed. She wonders if he fell asleep on the couch watching a movie, or if maybe he has someone over.
The knots in her stomach tighten with every step she ascends, and by the time she is on his floor she wonders if she will make it to his door before she passes out. But somehow she makes it, and she sets the sleeping baby carefully off to the side before raising her hand to knock on the door.
She knocks once, twice, and then there is silence. She feels the blood rush in her ears, swaying slightly on her feet when she hears him shout that he is coming.
The door is flung open and a glass falls, drowning out the response on his tongue. The crash wakes the baby. A shrill cry pierces through the silence surrounding them, making her freeze for a moment, unsure what to make of the look on his face. But another sob jolts her reflexes and she turns quickly to pick up the infant before she wakes the entire apartment building. When she stands again, she sees that her luggage has been moved inside his apartment, but he is nowhere to be found.
"Tony?" she calls out softly, as she steps inside and closes the door. Her eyes roam over the small space and a soft blush forms across her cheeks as her eyes skim over the couch where she has so many fond memories. Slowly, she turns and she sees him pacing by the windows, looking up at her every so often.
"She's mine isn't she?" he finally asks, after she lulls the infant back to sleep.
"Yes," she replies quietly as she looks down at the precious little baby in her arms. Unexpectedly, he comes to stand right in front of her, studying the child they created.
"How could you not tell me? Didn't you think I deserved to know I had a child, Ziva?"
She sucks in a deep breath. She had been expecting a reaction like this, but his tone stings. The iciness in his tone is startling and it bites at her vulnerable heart. The movement in her arms as her baby girl burrows deeper into her chest grounds her and she looks up to meet his eyes, as a familiar phrase tumbled off her lips.
"I am sorry, Tony. I never meant to hurt you in all of this. I left because I could not fathom how someone like you could ever love someone as broken as me, but then she was born and…" she pauses and tilts her head, struggling to find exactly the right words for what she is trying to say.
"She gave me hope," she finally says, with a sad smile and glistening eyes. "Hope that I had a second chance to be everything I could not be before."
Tony sighs and runs his hands across his face. She takes note of the dark circles under his eyes and the creases in his brow. He looks tired and older, like he hasn't slept in weeks, and a familiar feeling of guilt settles in her gut when she realizes she is probably the reason for his disheveled appearance. When he finally turns to face her again, his features have changed. Instead of anger, she now finds something similar to defeat.
"I'm not ready to forgive you," falls heavily from his lips as his eyes roam slowly across her face.
It's like someone punched her in the stomach as she winces from the blow his words have struck. She always knew rejection was a possibility, but she never thought he would actually send her away. The silence stretches between them. So she swallows the lump in her throat and counts to ten in every language she knows.
"Okay," she murmurs finally. "I am sorry to have bothered you."
Ziva wraps her arms tightly around the baby in her arms, as if she could shield her from all the cruelty she has faced. Tears begin to fall rapidly down her cheeks making her vision blurry, but she hardly notices. Blinking rapidly to try and see through the chaos, she searches for her bags, but it is too late. She misses the step. As she stumbles forward she can hear him scream her name, but all she can think about is the life she holds in her arms. She veers to the right and flips quickly so that she lands on her back with the baby pulled snuggly to her chest.
"Damn Ninja skills," he mutters as he reaches out to help her up.
A ghost of a smile graces her lips, but she doesn't get the chance to respond before the little girl starts to cry again. The sobs make him flinch, but he doesn't walk away this time. Instead, he reaches out and gingerly runs his hand over the baby's head.
"Hey, it's okay little one," he whispers, and almost instantly the baby stops crying. She looks up at her father with wide eyes and a gummy smile.
"She is probably hungry," she comments as she watches him interact with his daughter for the first time. The emotion on his face is unlike any she has ever seen, and something in her heart breaks. Suddenly it is all too much, she needs to get away.
"Would you like to hold her while I make her a bottle?"
He nods ever so slightly, which she takes as a yes. Carefully, she places the baby into his out stretched arms. Speechless for once in his life, he takes the little girl and stares wondrously at the miracle he has cradled in his embrace.
Quickly, she grabs the bottle and walks into the kitchen to warm it up, stopping only when she can still hear him murmuring to the baby, but she is far enough away not to be able to tell what he is saying. She braces herself against the counter as she waits for the water to boil and tries to figure out her next move. Where do you go when your home no longer wants you?
The timer beeps and she stirs the formula into the bottle. Carefully she creeps back into the living room, and at first she doesn't see them. He has moved away from the doorway and is sitting in the corner of his couch. The murmuring has stopped, but the look of amazement that had crossed his face minutes ago is still there.
She walks over to him and hovers above the baby, who begins to whimper as soon as the bottle comes into her view.
"It is okay Tikvah, I'm right here."
"You named her hope," he comments quietly, a smile appearing on his face as he watches her feed the baby still cradled in his arms.
"Her middle name is Amadora."
He smile widens when he realizes it's Italian. "Hope for the gift of love."
"It is all I've ever hoped for," she admits softly and a heavy silence follows her confession. As the moments drag on, her heart sinks lower and lower, waiting for him to say something to finally break her heart once and for all. But the moment never comes. Instead, she feels a hand come to rest on top of hers.
"Are you staying?"
She looks up at him in surprise, because why on earth would he want her to stay? After everything she put him through, she wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to see her again.
"Are you asking me to?"
Confusion spreads across his face, and he opens his mouth to speak before closing it again and tilting his head to study her. He admires her curly hair, her big brown eyes, and her hopeful smile before he breaks into a grin of his own.
"I might not be ready to forgive you Ziva, but I've always been ready to love you. "