Title: Valentine's Day

Fandom: Gundam Wing

Paring: 1X2X1

Disclaimer: Gundam wing isn't mine. Sad really, I could do with the money. 'Valentine's Day' isn't mine either. That belongs to Linkin Park.

Warnings: Lots and lots of angst, death and despair. Yet another happy one this, I'm not nicknamed Shinigami for nothing! Um, teeny, tiny spoilers for before series but nothing major and most of it people already know anyway. Song fic!

Notes: Written for Valentine's Day (um obviously demons kick brain ow!). First fic I ever wrote for an event and it's on time! Yay go me! I have always noticed among all the slushy, gimmicky stuff, among all the love and kisses, there is at least one person who is not happy. This may be because they haven't got anybody, or perhaps they have lost someone dear. This is a fic for those people. A fic so that we remember that not everyone can have a happy Valentine's. If you are happy this holiday, I hope I don't depress you too much --!

Thanks: To my depressing little black demon for this one (My muses are coloured demons by the way! Each colour is a particular theme, black is death!).

Summary: Duo reflects on why he is sat alone.

Valentine's Day

My insides all turn to ash, So slow
And blew away as I collapse, So cold
A black wind took them away, From sight
And held the darkness over day, that night

I can't believe that's it. It's lost. Gone. Just like that. Something that seemed so strong and beautiful has just… snapped.

There doesn't seem to be anything left of me now. Everything that I was and that I had become. Everything that I had learned and everything I knew was ripped away from me. In a matter of minutes, seconds. And with all that gone, there was nothing left to hold me together and now I've just crumbled away. All that's left is a shell, a casing, hollow, like one of those Russian dolls with all the others missing.

What you now see before you is a broken man. Even after all that I've been through… I never deserved this… well maybe I did… something must have thought I did. The world hates me, I'm sure.

I take my braid in my hands and run my fingers over it. The most unusual and striking thing about me, I had always thought. Longer than most women's hair, it reaches the tops of my thighs. I did wonder about getting it cut off, it's so much hassle to look after. But I can't do that now. So many memories entwined within these hairs, like so many invisible ribbons. But now it seems… what's the word… complete. There are three sections to a braid, its like the holy trinity, or the fates, or whatever. Mine is the people I have lost. The first section, Solo, my best friend on the streets, the second, Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, the third…

He never used to think that about my hair, striking and unusual, that is. Well, he did, but he said my eyes were more so. He could gaze into them for hours, lost in their depths. Not that eyes are very deep, but that's not the point. I can remember his face when he did that, so… calm. I can't help but shiver, suddenly feeling like ice, even though I know the heating's on. He looked like that when…

And the clouds above move closer
looking so dissatisfied
but the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

I hold back the sob that tries to claw it's way from my throat. I glance upwards to look out of the window from my place on the floor. It's really dark. When did that happen? I strech my legs out feeling the tension in them. I must have been curled up like this for hours. Not that I care. It's not like I have anything else to do. I can just see the clouds outside swirling around in the darkness, lit by the glow of orange street lamps. Just as I start thinking that a storm is brewing, the heavens open and the rain begins to dance on the window. Talk about pathetic fallacy, that's when the weather seems to have human feelings. Eh, and you thought I was just a pretty face. Well, now it's crying it's eyes out… if the weather had eyes. It was doing what I can't at the moment.

The wind has picked up too. I can see it pulling at the tree outside, as if it would carry it away. The tree is putting up a good fight though. If that tree was me I would have given up by now. Thinking about it, I already have. The wind seems to mock me, with it's energy and life. The wind is just cruel.

I used to be my own protection, But not now
Cause my path has lost direction, Somehow
A black wind took you away, From sight
And held the darkness over day, That night

You're probably wondering why I'm sitting hunched on the floor like this, in the dark, alone. I suppose I should tell you.

It started just over aweek ago… I can't believe it's that long already… We were at Quatre's, you know what he's like with his partys, yeah, well this was a big one. The Winner Valentine's ball. And when Quatre threw a party, he put a olympic discus thrower to shame. It was a masquerade ball this year, not that I really saw the point, I knew most of the people there anyway but it was still fun. Trowa was with practically connected to Quatre, Wufei stayed to the edge of the party mostly. Relena was there in her usual pink, Zechs, or Milliardo… which ever name he was using at the time, was there escorting Relena (keeping her under control I think). Sally Po was there, as was Lady Une and most of the Preventers I think. Hilde managed to fly in from L2, it was great to see her, Catherine, Trowa's sister was there, as well as many of Quatre's sisters and workers. It was quite a crowd, let me tell you. It was great trying to guess who was under the masks. Trowa was a dead give away. It wasn't a clown mask, no he had given that up to be with Quatre, no he had a lion mask. It's funny how some people never really change. Quatre had a beautiful emerald green mask that just covered his eyes. Relena's was pink, so kinda a dead give away, but it was very pretty. It only covered her eyes like Quatre's, but seemed to form a crown shape at the forehead where a feather plume extended. Zechs' was a full face mask on a stick, half blue, half red, he held it all night. Split personality thing, it worked though. Sally Po had a cat mask and Lady Une had a gorgeous black and silver one. Wufei had a plain white one with an amazing chinese dragon painted down one side. Hilde had a sea turquoise one and Cathy had a feather peacock mask.

I had wanted a death mask… like in that old musical… Phantom of the opera. Heero said I couldn't. Spoil sport. Instead I ended up with a Jester mask. In a way it was quite creepy but I liked it. Heero had what looked like an owl with feathers. It was really cool. He looked so handsome. I don't think I've seen him look as stunning as he did that night. He was all in black, in a regency style outfit, boots and everything. Mr Darcy eat your heart out. The party was great. Quatre invited us to stay over so we could stay longer. We both agreed but told him we had to leave early in the morning. Quatre was just happy that we didn't have to leave the party.

That night was great. I was able to share a huge bed with Heero. We could both lie flat on our backs and still not be able to touch each other. Although that's what we did and a lot of it. We stayed up half the night making love to each other, passions fuelled by the excitement of the party. We finally fell asleep in each others arms.

Morning arrived, cold and icy. It was beautifully clear with not a cloud in sight. It was just one of those perfect mornings where you think nothing could go wrong. Quatre tried to convince us to stay a little longer, an hour, just until the ice melted. Heero insisted we couldn't as we had to get back. We got in the car and waved goodbye to Quatre, Trowa was still in bed. As soon as we had pulled away, I put the radio on and started singing. Heero just laughed at me. He was so beautiful when he laughed…

We were only about ten minutes away from Quatre's. It was my fault. I was distracting Heero. He had turned to look at me, that amazing smile on his face. The corner seemed to come from nowhere. The black ice on the road impossible to see. No one could have done anything. All the friction went from the tires. The car skidded across the road. Heero tried to control it, but he… He faught with the wheel as much as he could. Everything seemed to go in slow motion. Yet the world spinned faster than a waltzer at a carnival. He turned to me and simply said,

"I'm sorry." Then the tree appeared. One of those really old ones. Couldn't tell you what it was, no leaves on it. Although I did wonder.

We hit it so hard, my stomach nearly jumped out of my mouth. The car bonnet crunched up like a piece of paper. Heero was crunched up with it. I could hear bones along with metal and his gurgle as metal cut into his stomach. Somehow my legs only got caught, I couldn't move them but I could feel them. I could feel the whiplash starting in my neck though. I turned to look at Heero. He was slumped over the steering wheel that was a lot closer than it should have been. He looked at me with those stunning blue eyes. I could see the pain in them, despite none showing on his face. I vaguely remember making a call to the emergency services and a brief call to a paniced Quatre. I turned back to Heero and I remember him smiling at me. Telling me not to worry. He was sorry it should end like that. He had that calm look, even though he knew he was dying. He told me to promise that I would carry on living even though he wouldn't be by my side anymore. I could only nod, my voice wedged in my throat. Holding back tears for him, I managed to lean over and kiss him. He managed to smile at that. I brushed back the bangs from his face so I could see his eyes more clearly. I could see the slight frown on his face and could tell he was gritting his teeth then he said the one thing that made the tears fall,

"Duo, it hurts." I couldn't say anything to that. How could I, I couldn't say everything would be fine because it wouldn't be and I couldn't start lying to him now. He told me he was sorry again. I hushed him, I couldn't stand his apologies for something that wasn't his fault. Then he told me he loved me and that I should look in his bag when I could, I would know what I was looking for when I found it. I nodded to him again and managed to tell him I loved him back, so much and that I would never stop. I couldn't help but keep stroking his cheek. Finally he told me that it didn't hurt anymore and hoped that we would meet each other again, until then he would watch over me. Then he… he was gone. Just those deep blue eyes staring blanky. I had to close them, I couldn't stand the sight of seeing them without that life within them.

After that everything was a blur, a black wind that surrounded me but I seemed to be apart from. I dimly remember Quatre's voce but very little after that.

And the clouds above more closer
looking so dissatisfied
and the ground below grew colder
as they put you down inside
but the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

The week passed slowly. Every moment I was expecting to turn around and see him there, smiling at me, of course he wasn't and I knew it in my heart. The temptaition of a knife or some pills and alcohol was almost too much. It was only that promise made in the car that kept me holding on to life. That and the constant phonecalls from Quatre. If I had tried anything he would have known in five minutes flat and would have flown round just as fast.

I couldn't bear to sleep in our bed, it was to painful to be in such a space and not have him beside me, it was hard enough being in the flat on my own. I slept on the sofa, well, when I say slept I rolled around a lot and just lay there, or occasionally I fell into a nightmare filled darkness, the smell of blood and oil, and the feeling of confinement so overpowering that I would wake myself up once more.

As I look around our room even now, in the darkness, I can see the flatened shapes of picture frames where I put them face down not being able to look at them. I could never get rid of them they are all I have left. One day I may be able to look at them and smile once more. But not now. Not yet.

Today was hard. It was the funeral. I hate funerals at the best of times. I was shocked at how many people turned up despite the grey day. People wanting to say their good byes to a war hero, a brave man, a friend. I stood there in my long black coat and black suit and nodded at everyone who gave me their condolences. Relena hugged me before she left saying if there was anything she could do. I said unless she could work miracles no thank you. I think she understood.

As they lowered the coffin with my lover locked within for the rest of time, it seemed as if the very ground below us seemed to freeze over, as if it knew what it was being given and would protect him forever. I felt as if I would never be warm again. My heart had frozen like the ground, protected, never to love again.

All throughout the service, the damn wind mocked me. It blew around me,pulling at my coat and jerking my braid. If I shut my eyes I could almost imagine it was him, how he used to playfully tug at my hair. How cruel the wind can be.

So now you're gone
And I was wrong
I never knew what it was like
To be alone

When I got home I began to think things over in my head, all the if's and but's. What if we had known that would be our last night together, would it have been any different? What if we hadn't left so early, what if I hadn't put the radio on, what if I'd been driving? But that could never be, of course. I looked back at my past and realised I had never really been alone. I had been with the other street kids, after the Maxwell church, I found the sweepers. I had always found someone, someone to take over from what I had lost, but no one could ever replace my Heero Yuy. No one could replace the warmth of his skin, no one could give the sweet kisses he bestowed on me, no one could love me like he did.

No. I never knew what alone meant. Until now.

On a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day

How ironic that I had to bury my lover today. Tomorrow we should have been celebrating. Fate is just as cruel as the wind. They both pull things away from you. I realise that my legs have gone dead. I wriggle them about until I get pins and needles then grimace until the pain goes. I gingerly stand and look around the room. I put the beside lamp on and wince at the light. Finally seeing what I want, I walk over to the duffel bag in the corner. Heero's bag. I walk back to the bed and put it on it. Slowly I work through the contents of the bag. His outfit for the masquerade, the mask, the boots, spare clothes, the lube, which I quickly throw in the bin. At the bottom I find a little red box about three centemetres in each direction.

I struggle to breathe suddenly. I know instinctively this is what he had wanted me to find.

(I used to be my own protection)
On a Valentine's Day,
(But not now)

I can see my hand shaking. When had I ever been this nervous. I mentally scold myself for being stupid. And I tell myself to shut up. You know you're starting to go mad when you argue with yourself. Heero should have been here for this, should have gven it to me. I don't want to open it, scared of what I will find. To think I had been a strong and brave Gundam pilot once. Duo Maxwell, God of Death, too scared to even open a box. But then look at Pandora.

Finally I talk myself into it. Carefully I open the lid, a piece of paper falls out. I open it and read it 'To my dearest love, to my Duo. Happy Valentines, two years and counting. XXX' I hold the note for a moment, just staring at it. Two years. That was all we had had and yet they had been the best two years of my life. At last I take a tentative look in the box. I nearly drop it. It's worse than Pandora.

On a Valentine's Day
(Cause my mind has lost direction)
On a Valentine's Day,
(somehow)
On a Valentine's Day

I sit back down in the space I had recently vacated staring at what was sat on the cushion of red velvet. I slowly take it out and look at it. A perfect band, silver coloured but I'm guessing it's platinum from the way it looks. On the outside completely plain, on the inside a simple inscription, 'forever yours'. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

"What am I going to do now?" My voice sounds so hoarse, and so loud in the empty flat. We had never really made solid plans, we had wanted to travel maybe, see the Earth. Then settle down somewhere, get a house, a dog, a cat, maybe adopt some kids. I never told Heero that. I wonder what he would have thought about it? Not that could ever happen now. Now I don't know what I want, other than I wish Heero was back.

I carefully slide the cold band over my fourth finger on my left hand, my wedding finger. Is that where he would have put it? I stare at it shifting it slightly to catch it in the light. I just unofficially married myself to a dead man. Married to death. Very apt I think.

(I used to be my own protection)
On a Valentine's Day,
(But not now)
On a Valentine's Day

It's kinda ironic to think that I never used to need anyone. I was my own person, I was independent. I grew up on the streets, we had to be. Yeah it was nice to have others around but always look after number one. That became even more important in the war despite some of the risks we took for each other. But after the war…

As much as I began to change Heero, he began to change me. I became sort of… reliant on him. He was my shoulder to cry on, my rock, my protection. He became more emotional, more willing to share his thoughts and feelings. I have become so dependant on him and I didn't even realise. But now that he's gone… I don't think I could ever go back to how I was. I will never be who I was. I feel like I'm a child again, being left for the first time. I'm alone, I'm helpless and I'm lost.

(Cause my mind has lost direction)
On a Valentine's Day,
(somehow)

As I sit on the floor, looking at my ring, in what was our bedroom I hear the clock chime, twelve. I can feel a sad smile on my face.

"Happy Valentines day Heero, wherever you are."