The summer heat had steadily established itself in a heavy, creeping varnish over the city smothering and swallowing the wide boulevards in the neighborhood belonging to Dr. Maura Isles. Jane and Maura decided it was time to call it a day. They'd had enough. The sticky, humid air had pressed them to their limits. Jane crammed their few things into her small pack and slung it across her shoulder and they began their short journey back.
"And you do this every year?"
"Yes, Jane, this neighborhood holds one community event and it is the single time we can all get together and get to know our neighbors."
"Did they have to pick the hottest day of the year?"
"It is particularly stifling, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I can barely breathe. Let's go home."
The street festival was enjoyable but both women were done charming the neighborhood residents. The trek back to Maura's house was not far and neither woman felt like rushing in this fever-like heat.
In a slow-moving bow falling deeply into the horizon, the blazing sun finally began to relent to the night. Yearning to hold her hand, the decreasing light gave Jane the cover she needed. Jane sidled up beside Maura as they ambled along the street toward Maura's house.
"Jane, thank you for coming with me tonight." Maura shyly looked down as she slightly admitted to her touch of social anxiety. "I don't like big crowds and you were a real comfort to me."
"What? Maura, you practically had them eating out of your hand." Jane teased quietly with a small giggle.
"Well, they did enjoy the Lobster Ceviche with Limestone Lettuce we prepared earlier didn't they? It's as if they'd never tried lobster in a wrap before."
Jane snorted just a bit, "Yeah, I'll bet most people on the planet have never had that at a street fair." Afraid of hurting Maura's delicate feelings over the exotic food she'd chosen to make for the street fair, Jane followed, "I know I haven't had lobster that way before and I'm glad I did. It was delicious." With a dramatic wave of her arm, Jane exclaimed, "The whole neighborhood is more worldly because of you Maura Isles." Jane's eyes sparkled as she reached her hand for Maura's.
Slipping her fingers between those of the shorter woman's, Jane could feel the warmth reach into her with an unwitting, loving touch of desire. Maura's fingers went willingly with Jane's and she gave her own delicate squeeze. "Jane," Maura laughed, "you sound as though I did them all a favor! Did you see the mayor's son spit it out into his napkin?"
"Just be glad he didn't spit it into Mrs. Foster's rose bushes. Not everyone appreciates the finer things, Maura." Jane paused, "Like you." Jane stopped her stride and held Maura's hand as the pretty blonde woman was compelled to spin to face Jane. With the most perfect timing, Jane's gaze reached Maura's smile and they both grinned. Maura's face momentarily became a bit perplexed but returned the grin with vigor.
"Well, I've never had a pulled pork barbeque sandwich made from an entire roast pig cooked overnight on a spit in the neighbor's front yard. So, I feel more worldly too!" Maura was joyful. Happiness showed on her face the way starlight pierces a clear dark night way up in the mountains, exploding in brilliance and light.
"Yeah, it really was an unexpected sight in Beacon Hill, but good though, the best food at the fair. Well, minus your lobster thingies. I wonder if your neighbor thinks it was worth it because I bet it costs a fortune to fix his yard back up after all the people trampled their way for second helpings." Jane was glad the event was more than a block away from Maura's actual door. She liked the moment they were having during the slow stroll home. "But, the smell of roast pork wafting in the air was enough to make me wanna volunteer as the sous chef to the grill master."
"He needed you, Jane. Everyone else was angling to get the best portions for themselves before the throngs were begging. You, Jane, were his hero today, helping him like you did."
"I smell like smoke though, but yeah, he taught me enough that now I can put a pig on a spit at Mom's Independence Day party this year." Swinging their hands together as they walked, "You can be my taste tester." Jane tugged again at Maura's hand as it was interlocked with hers.
With their fingers still meshed, they started again to walk toward Maura's door. The carefree, comfortable interaction between the two had become second nature. Over the past few years, each woman came to rely on the other as her safe place in the world. Each for the other, they longed for happiness. Their common wish was happiness and joy for the woman beside her. As time went on, they were rarely found apart.
Maura opened her door and the two went inside. Jane placed her bag on the floor near the door and went to flop herself onto Maura's big couch.
"Shower, Jane." Maura raised her left arm to point down the hallway. "I don't need my furniture to smell like a barbeque fire pit." Maura reached into the dropped bag and retrieved the small portion of roast pork she'd saved for Jane and started toward the refrigerator.
"Yes Ma'am. On it. Right away." Jane grinned as she walked past Maura to do as ordered.
When Jane emerged, freshly showered, she looked for Maura who was not anywhere inside. "Maura? Where'd ya go?"
From outside in the backyard, Maura called back to Jane. "I'm here." Nightfall stole the heat from the ground and a breeze began to flow. The sweet scent of summer flowers and evening dew wafted through the air.
Jane followed the sound to find Maura relaxed on her six foot wide enormously padded swinging sofa she kept on her patio. "There you are, well, now, don't you look comfortable?"
"Come on up Jane, the breeze is perfect here. Cool and calming. Join me?" Maura leaned up and lifted her legs to make room for Jane who angled herself back into the opposite corner from Maura and leaned back into the deeply padded comfort.
"Wow, this is really squishy."
"Do you like it?" Maura decided to switch sides and moved closer to Jane to lean against her shoulder. Both women's legs stretched across the length of the floating swing as they enjoyed the feel of the gentle swaying.
Jane moved her arm around Maura's shoulder to make a better fit and the both eased into the space. "I do like it. A lot."
They swayed in silence as the sky dimmed in a timed dance with the vanishing sun. Soft breezes teased at their skin.
Maura loved this. Another easy night with Jane. She wouldn't have it any other way. She loved the stories they shared and the laughs they had over silly things on these quiet nights together.
Softly and sweetly, "Jane, what do you want out of life?"
"What? What do I want?" Jane turned her head to look at Maura who was gazing off into the distance. She imagined Maura was daydreaming and getting philosophical. She decided to play along, "Hmmm, what do I want? I want to catch bad guys."
"Well you do that already Jane. And you do it very well. What I'm asking is, what do you want for yourself? What do you want most for yourself?"
Jane considered Maura's question and answered as honestly as she could. "I want love. I want to find love and be loved and live in love."
"You had Casey. He loved you. Did you not love him?"
"No, I did love him, Maura. I did, but that wasn't enough. I got into that relationship because we had a thing for each other in high school. It seemed like the right thing to do, I mean, everybody dreams of marrying their high school sweetheart, don't they?"
"But you didn't? You didn't dream of marrying your high school sweetheart?"
"Well, he wanted me to move to Bosnia." Jane tried to deflect with a dart of humor. "That's practically another planet."
Maura scrunched her nose. "That is kind of far away. But that wouldn't have been a permanent move." Maura finally turned her face to Jane. "You would have been back here within a few years and you would have had a nice adventure too. The Dalmation coast is practically next door in Croatia and is known for its beautiful shoreline with white sandstone against exquisite blue waters of the Adriatic Sea. The coastal cities haven't yet been commercialized. You'd have had the chance to experience life and architecture as it was lived hundreds of years ago." Maura tilted her head slightly. "Well with the exception of internet and cell phones. But Jane, I doubt there is a fast food restaurant within a hundred miles."
Jane held her hand out, incredulously flipping her palm upward, "And you think this is a selling point? C'mon. This is me you're talking to."
More seriously, Maura wanted to know, "Why did you tell him you wouldn't marry him, Jane?"
Jane paused as she stared into Maura's open and accepting eyes. "I could never say this to him, but I started to date him as just a way to get my mother off my back. Then the whole thing spun out of control. It's like so many people wanted that for me, wanted us to be together. I just went along for the ride. It seemed easy and a painless way to solve my problems." Jane looked away. "That just isn't what I wanted for myself and I realized I was just giving up and settling."
Maura reached up with her left hand to touch the fingertips of Jane's as her arm still remained draped across her shoulders. "I'm sorry you went through that struggle. But, if having a hero of a man who adores you as your husband isn't what you want, then what kind of relationship do you want?"
"I just didn't love him the way he needed me to love him, Maura. I didn't love him the way I needed me to love him." Jane shook her head. "Neither of us would have been happy."
Jane began to lift her arm up from around Maura and Maura pulled Jane's hand back in place.
"Jane, please don't go, we don't have to talk about this."
"Good." Jane settled back in.
They sat in silence again. The breeze cooled their warm skin and the swinging couch rocked them.
"Maur, its ok you asked, ya know. There is stuff I really do want to say, but it's hard. It's hard for me to say."
Jane wanted Maura to know her, to know her inner thoughts and dreams, to know her secrets. She was afraid of how things might change if she did just go on and say what she really wanted Maura to know.
"Jane, if you don't trust me by now with all your little secrets, then who can you trust?" Maura giggled and reached to pinch Jane. She knew how Jane never liked heavy emotional discussions so she tried to lighten the conversation a bit. Jane swatted Maura's hands away to stop the pinching. It worked because Jane decided to open up.
"OK, just promise me that whatever I tell you right now stays right here, between us and we never have to talk about it again."
"Ok, Jane."
"Promise me, Maura, right now. You won't judge me or disown me as your friend or tell anyone. Especially that, don't tell a single soul."
"Well, as long as you haven't committed a crime, which by statute, I should remind you, I'm compelled to reveal, then, yes, Jane, I promise."
Jane rolled her eyes at Maura's abject, hopeless adherence to following rules. "OK. Now just give me a minute."
Now or never, Jane thought….
"Maura." Jane's serious tone caught the tiny woman's attention and Maura tilted her shoulders so she could look more directly into Jane's eyes.
"Wait, wait, turn back. Face forward. I can't have you looking at me right now."
Maura looked confused for a moment but complied. Both women sat, eyes facing front as they still lay angled back, Maura against Jane's left side, sprawled on the floating couch.
Maura shimmied her shoulders and resettled against Jane's shoulder. "Okay, Jane, I'm ready for whatever it is you want to say."
"Good." Jane used her right hand to scrub across her face before she spoke. She drew in a slow breath before quickly blurting, "I-think-I'm-attracted-to-women.-Please-don't-hate-me".
Jane pinched her eyes shut as she waited for the fatal blow. Maura's non-violent response was a surprise as Jane slowly opened her eyes.
Maura turned to face her. "Oh, well that explains alot."
"Maura! I'm trying to tell you something serious!"
"I understand what you're saying. Just give me a moment. My best friend just told me she might be a lesbian."
"Might be? Okay. Please, tell me you don't hate me."
"Jane, why would I hate you? You trusted me enough to tell me what obviously is something very important. I could never hate you for being honest."
Jane let out a breath but didn't speak. She waited for what Maura would say. Her heart pounded in her chest. She took in another breath and let it go. She realized she felt ten pounds lighter. Her secret was out and the world didn't collapse on itself. She looked around Maura's yard to find the grass still there, the trees still there, the breeze still blowing against her face and the crescent moon still just barely visible in the darkening sky. No spontaneous combustion. No nuclear explosions. Maura hadn't run yet and it had been all of fifteen seconds. She was fine. Every second that passed, Jane felt more free.
She looked toward Maura. "So?"
"Jane, now that I think about it, you did show some signals before, I simply chose to overlook them."
""What!? What signals? Are you joking, Maura?" Jane started to laugh and Maura started to laugh.
"Jane, I'm glad you felt safe enough to tell me. Thank you."
"You're my best friend, Maura." Jane teased, "Who else could I tell?"
"So THIS is why you didn't marry Casey?"
"Yes. I couldn't marry him because I couldn't love him." Jane squirmed. "Maura, I've always been attracted to women, but I was always afraid of what that meant. Who wants to be gay? Who goes out planning to live their life as an outsider in the mainstream of life?"
"So you've struggled with this as long as you can remember?"
"Yes."
"And have you ever?"
"Ever what? Kissed a girl?" Jane rolled her eyes but didn't smile. "No. I haven't."
"So if you've never kissed a girl, that means you've never…"
Jane flailed her arm and interrupted, "What!? Is nothing sacred?" She dropped her arm back down in surrender, "No, never. But I don't want to talk about that. I just want to be honest with one single person in this world. I choose you." Jane squirmed some more. "I tried to be with men, Maura. I did. I didn't want to disappoint my parents."
"You certainly did give it a valiant effort." Maura's light tone helped Jane to relax. "All those poor boys with their tiny little broken hearts all over Boston."
"Maur, You can stop now."
"Well, Jane, you've now been honest with two people. You are being honest with yourself now, too."
"I guess I am. It actually feels nice to say it out loud." Releasing another breath, "I didn't want any of this. I just want to be happy and I just don't know how. I don't know how any of this works."
Maura wanted to fix this. It was her gift, she fixed things. "How what works? Being in a relationship with a woman? Or being intimate with a woman? With which of these are you having a problem?"
"Must you, Maura? Must you?" Jane did more eye rolling and flipped her hair back over her shoulders. "Both, I guess. I don't even know. I'm too old for this."
"So, you're considering dating women now?"
"Maybe." She moved her eyes toward Maura not wanting to continue to behave like the big chicken she appeared to be, "Well, Yes." More confidently this time, "Yes, I am. I am considering dating women. I just don't even know where to begin."
"Hmmm." Maura's pensive look set off alarms in Jane.
"What's that supposed to mean, Maura?"
"I was just thinking." Maura tilted her head.
"Thinking what?" Jane began to feel anxious again.
"Jane. You should let me help you."
Nervously, "H-Help me..what?"
"Jane." Maura stood and took Jane's hand. "Follow me."
You know I'm turning the next chapter to an M rating. I, apparently, cannot help myself.