TITLE: JAG Meets 'Allo 'Allo
AUTHOR: Vid Z.
TIMELINE: AU Season 10 (Loren's alive)
CATEGORY: humor (hopefully)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV shows JAG and 'Allo 'Allo are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: while browsing youtube for Allo Allo episodes I finally came to the one where to my greatest regret they cut off Captain Hans Geering and Maria and put in new characters. But still, the new members of the cast were still hillarious, especially the new liaison to the Germans. As typical for 'Allo 'Allo I laughed all the way through without stopping. Seeing the newcomer being introduced gave me an idea and here's the result. Loren is alive in this fic because I needed someone to speak Oberst von Strohm's and Renee's lines. You'll see what I mean cause they were as if written especially for her. Most of the spoken lines are from that ep of the show and are understroked.
If anyone's interested in watching the episode go to Youtube. com and type in " 'Allo 'Allo! Season4 Ep3 - Good Staff Are Hard To Find". There are 3 parts in all, so when finished watching the first part, go to the box on the right with the related videos and choose the next part.
SUMMARY: the JAG staff get a new exchange officer assigned to them. He's gonna rock their nice cozy office down to the foundations.
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"Atten-hut!" the yell of the Master at Arms echoed through the bullpen, making everyone snap to.
"Good." General Cresswell nodded approvingly. "I would like to present a new temporary member of our staff, he's on loan from the Italian Army as part of an exchange program. This is why LtCol MacKenzie was sent there, as our representative, 3 days ago."
"No wonder it's been so quiet these past few days." Sturgis whispered to Bud, glancing at Loren. It was a well known fact that Mac and Loren didn't get along, especially the last few years since...
His musings were interrupted by the General as he meaningfully cleared his throat.
"I expect you all to make him feel welcome. Master at Arms, bring in Captain Bertorelli."
The double door of the bullpen swooshed open revealing a short man with a thick mustache, quite obviously an Italian, a chest full of medals, a wide-rimmed hat with a... a... a somethingon top of it.
"Why does he have a dead chicken on his head?" whispered Petty Officer Tomlins to Petty Officer Gaines, who just shrugged in confusion.
With a confident gesture he pushed that something away from his face and smiled widely, walking into the bullpen with an arrogant gait of a man who never lacked for female attention.
He stopped when his eyes alighted on Jen and undid the strap of his hat, exclaiming aloud "Mamma mia!" and took it off, holding it in one hand. "A beautiful laidy."
His pronounciation of 'beautiful' reminded everyone very much of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. And he pronounced lady as 'laidy' and not 'leidy'.
Grabbing Jen's hand he proclaimed "I kissa your handa." and pressed a loud smooch to the top of a very uncomfortable Jen's hand.
Cresswell saw it was time to interfere. With a matter of fact tone the JAG explained. "Captain Bertorelli. Officers in the US Navy do not kiss the lady privates."
The Captain immediately let go of Jen's hand with a shocked look on his face and smacked himself on his forehead. "What a mistaka to maka!"
Then his mouth again stretched in a smile. "Generallo, pleasa forgive me, but I am an Italian, when I see the beautiful laidy my heart go bum-didi-bum..." nearing his face to Loren's, his new victim's, who glared at him, not that it had any kind of effect on him, he finished."...didi-bum."
The General discretely looked heavenward in exasperation. "Well, your heart will have to stop go bum-didi-bum around the Lieutenant Commander otherwise the laidy's husband will make it stop permanently." he turned towards Harm. "Captain Bertorelli, this is CDR Harmon Rabb, LCDR Loren Rabb's husband."
"My excuses, Capitanos" the jolly man exclaimed and, even though he'd nearly accosted Loren and had in fact accosted Jen, a dear friend and protegee of Harm's, Harm couldn't hold it against him. He was just too funny, besides, flattening his nose would not be a good idea to do in front of the General.
The General turned to Bud. "This is your mentor, Lieutenant Commander Roberts."
Alberto held his arms apart and with a friendly smile greeted. "Capitano,you have a kinda face. To you, I giva salute!"
He snapped his right hand to his forehead and, when Bud did the same, the Captain quickly straightened out his arms and hooked it behind Bud's neck. With that he drew Bud to him and gave a loud kiss on both of Bud's cheeks.
Bud staggered back, blushing and stuttering in shock.
Alberto meanwhile looked around with a happy sigh. "Ah, is a beautiful placa you have here, I think I be very happy."
Then he plopped his hat down on the nearest desk and asked. "These are my desk?"
Bud burst out indignantly. "No, these are my desk!"
Then, in a theatric motion, the Captain snapped his fingers. "I forget. Capitano, I havea for you, a special gifta from Berlusconi."
He pulled out a long and wide case, opened it and passed it on to Harm. "Is the Italian war hero medal."
Harm took it politely and looked at it carefully, commenting. "Ah. An Italian war hero medal. I don't think I've seen this before."
"I think they're very rare." muttered Loren to Harm and Harm barely suppressed a snicker. Though Loren had mellowed quite a lot in the years they'd been together, she still had quite an acidic tongue when someone got on her nerves.
"You too have many medals." the General said, gesturing to the Italian's chest-full-of-medals.
"Me." the man said, striking a pompous pose, but spoke humbly. "I am hero."
He pointed to the upper row of medals. "These here for service in Kuwait." Then to the middle row. "These here for service in Bosnia."
The General gestured towards the lowest row. "And the bottom one?"
Bertorelli's jaw tightened and he glared into the distance. "They are for servicing FIATs."
Several guffaws were heard throughout the room and many of the staff had faces red from holding in their laughter. Few knew it, but FIATs have a very notorious reputation in Europe for being unreliable and cheap, if not inexpensive. Italian cars in general have that reputation, actually, especially the high-end marques, like Alfa Romeo, Lancia, Ferrari,... FIAT could also be understood as 'Fixing It All the Time'.
Italian car manufacturers are miracle makers at designing beatiful cars, but as far as the quality and reliability of car electricity, electronics and engines go, they suck.
In an effort to divert the subject the General interfered. "The Italian Army is sending a unit to Iraq."
Loren leaned nearer to whisper to her husband. "Well, I suppose somebody has to take over the ice-cream business."
Harm snorted quietly and blankened his face when he caught the General watching them.
"They want Captain Bertorelli to first familiarize himself with the procedures and Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) and Rules Of Engagement (ROE) so there won't be any problems while in-country. LCDR Roberts, see to it that the Captain has everything he needs. Dismissed."
The General strode away and, as the junior staff flocked towards the italian Captain, Harm remarked to Loren. "I have a feeling that things around here are gonna be extremely funny for the next few months."
Grinning she looked up at him. "Indeed."
THE END
No, it wasn't a mistake in Grammar. Bertorelli really spoke like that. The sentences with some words not understroked are that way because I had to adapt the text slightly, but I still tried to keep the meaning of the original text. Also, in the show it's General von Klinkerhoffen that receives the italian medal, but because Cresswell hasn't done anything in decades that would earn him that I gave it to Harm for his exploits in Iraq and Afghanistan (let's pretend that perhaps the Italians had their people on USS Seahawk or their own ships nearby when Harm diverted the dirty nuke).
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