Diana knows you watch her when you think she's not looking. In the hallway. At meetings for the Circle. From your seat at the back of your shared English class. She may not catch you in the act, but she can feel your eyes on her every time. You know her hair stands on end, that her body starts to tingle. She has the same reaction to you as you do to her. She's just a whole lot better at repressing it than you are.
There was a time when Faye Chamberlain and Diana Meade were inseparable. Before magic, before boys, before two very big personality changes, there were two girls who spent more time together than apart. They spent days playing elaborate games of make-believe. They went on adventures in the forbidden part of the woods. They found a house there, that the forest had claimed with its vines and trees, and called it their own. They told their parents they were sleeping at the other's house when really they were camping out in their little house, out there in the woods, the two of them curled up in each other's arms in one sleeping bag.
"One day, when we're older, I'm going to fix this place up for you," promised young Faye, "and we're going to live here together. Just you and me, Diana. Forever."
Oh, and how naïve that girl had been, you think bitterly. As you had aged, the two of you had realized that you had a connection unlike anyone else you knew. And one night, in the confines of your beautifully untamed home away from home, you tapped into the potential of that connection. You had just told the funniest joke and Diana was laughing so hard she snorted. And when she snorted, she sucked back the piece of gum she'd been chewing. It lodged in her throat and she started spluttering and you panicked. You didn't know what to do. You remembered something about whacking the person on the back, so you ran to her and gave her a firm wallop, but it didn't work. Diana coughed and coughed and coughed and you sat there, helpless, on the verge of tears.
As you watched Diana's face turn purple while you cowered on the ground, when you had never felt more utterly weak in your entire life, a light bulb overhead exploded. And then another. And then another. The explosions caught you both off guard and startled Diana enough for her to dislodge the gum. You ran to her and pulled her into your lap as you apologized over and over. She just told you it was okay, there was nothing you could do and it wasn't your fault, but nothing could calm you down. And it was in that moment, that tiny, insignificant moment, you knew you loved her more than you would ever love anyone else. And it scared you senseless.
So you ran. You waited until Diana fell asleep and then you fled the house, never turning back. You've been running ever since.
You stopped going to the house with her. You stopped taking her calls. You started dating the first cute boy to pay you any attention after the school realized that FayeandDiana were now just Faye and Diana. You changed yourself to fit the role of bad girl that you thought Jake wanted you to be. Not too long after, Diana started dating Adam, and any of the spark she once had was gone. She was happy with him, sure, but the old Diana had been feisty, had enjoyed bending the rules from time to time. You had no idea who this straightlaced, uptight girl was. But then again, you doubt she recognized you either.
When Jake had broken up with you after his graduation, you were crushed, but what was most devastating was that you didn't have a best friend to turn to. Even worse was finding out that Diana had showed Adam the house. That was your place. Together. You had never taken Jake there, not to the space that was so special to the two of you.
When Diana had come to you two months into sophomore year, with the request that you meet her at the old house after school that day, you had no idea what to expect. You had barely spoken since that day you fled the woods without a second glance. You were tempted to tell her you couldn't make it, that, more importantly, you didn't want to go, but this was Diana, after all. You could never say no to her.
You're not sure what you thought was going to happen as you pushed open the decrepit old door to your secret place. Trepidation filled your every action as you peered into the living space. Did you expect Diana to be standing there, begging for your friendship back? Perhaps you thought she fixed up the worn down inside, cleared out all the vines in an attempt to woo you back there. All you know is, you did not expect to see Adam and Diana standing there, happy as ever, holding hands and making moon eyes at each other while Jake's pesky younger brother, Nick, and some girl from your gym class stood idly by.
That was the day you learned who you were. It was the first time you'd felt some semblance of control in your life since you'd met Diana Meade. And you relished it.
You threw yourself into magic. You loved every part of it. It made you feel like you were a part of something bigger, like it could just swallow you up if you let it. You befriended Melissa, and took her as a minion of sorts. You needed at least one person on your side if Diana was going to be running the show. You hated that she was the only one with a Book of Shadows because of course, of course she would be the one with all the control over the only thing that made you feel as remarkable as she once had. You became catty with Diana, unnecessarily so, until that's all your relationship consisted of: her trying to get you to keep your magic under control and you throwing snide remarks in her face.
It's amazing how much can happen in two years. And it's just as amazing how quickly things can turn around.
Cassie's arrival and Nick's subsequent death had changed things for everybody, but no more so than you and Diana. Life was dangerous now. One of you could be gone in the blink of an eye. So you two had started talking in more than monosyllabic exchanges again, and despite the occasional remark on your part, it was nice. Almost friendly. Almost like it used to be.
So when you're sitting at the back of class listening to the teacher drone on and on about fate and destiny and how some guy named Rex had gotten majorly screwed over by humanity's inability to change what's pre-determined for them, it shouldn't surprise you that you notice Diana's shoulders tense as your gaze sweeps over her. And it shouldn't catch you off guard when she turns around slowly and makes eye contact. And it really shouldn't take your breath away when you receive a text shortly after she turns away that reads, Meet me tonight 8? Our place.
The rest of your day happens in a blur. There's this clenching in your stomach that won't go away and you barely register Melissa's presence as she natters in your ear on the ride home.
8 o'clock comes too soon. A part of you hopes you'll show up and the Circle will be there, just like last time, and you can go right back to being your normal, resentful self, but you don't think that's the case.
The lights are off when you get there, and you slowly approach the door, wondering why Diana's not there yet (it is 8:07, after all), when you hear soft murmuring coming from inside. You pick up your pace, eager to know what's going on now, and you catch a glimpse of Diana through one of the boarded up windows. For the second time today, she manages to take your breath away by simply acknowledging your presence.
She greets you with a shy smile and a simple hi once you're inside, but you don't respond, merely take note of your surroundings. Eight lit candles form a circle, surrounded by salt, with Diana's book perched in the center.
"What's all this?" you ask.
"I-I didn't know who else to ask," she replies cautiously. "You're the most in-tune with magic out of all of us, Faye. I was hoping that you'd help me. That we could practice. Together."
Your heart races. You know she's lying. While you're perhaps still the most powerful witch in the Circle, Adam is easily the most in-tune with his powers. Adam can turn his magic on and off like a faucet; you're more like a geyser.
"Oooh, little Miss Diana actually wants to get her magic on? Colour me surprised."
"So are you in?"
"Are you kidding? Not only are you asking me to do magic, you're offering up your book too? Of course I'm in."
She smiles and walks over to you, grabbing your hand and pulling you into the circle. You sit there, facing each other, as Diana pours over the book before finally selecting a spell. She gestures for you to mirror her position, sitting cross-legged, hands facing palm up, resting just over your knees. She grabs your hands and intertwines your fingers, then instructs you to repeat after her. After a few chants, it hits you.
The two of you feel suspended in time. You're not sure how many spells you do or what they are or how long you sit there, you just know that you've never felt this way before. As the Latin words fly easily out of your mouth, with your hands still tightly clasped, you're seeing the whole world and then some. A bird appears out of thin air, objects levitate around you, you see patterns in the air, the whole room fades to black and white, then explodes into technicolor, until you're finally right back where you started, candles extinguished, panting heavily.
"I think that must be what drugs feel like," Diana says shakily, still catching her breath. You shake your head.
"You have no idea…" you start and Diana frowns, "What we just did? No drug can measure up to that."
Diana beams, then, and the two of you sit there, hands still linked, staring into each other's eyes. This is what it used to feel like when you were kids. Just you and her in this big old house, endless possibilities at your fingertips.
"Adam's going to leave me," Diana whispers, averting her gaze.
You seethe. Of course this is about him.
"Yeah, well, poor you, Diana. Guess you'll just have to live like the rest of us, without some prince by your side to stand up for you at every turn and clean up your messes," you spit, pulling away. But Diana won't let go.
"No, Faye. You don't get it. Adam's going to leave me and I… I don't care. I love him, but… Doing this? I could never do this with him. I would never want to after tonight. Me and you doing magic together? And here, of all places? It just feels so… right."
She lets go of your right hand and gently cups your cheek. Your pulse quickens and blood rushes in your ears. What is she doing? Doesn't she know how long you've tried to prevent this? Doesn't she know the lengths you've gone to just to protect her from you? You need to get away, but your brain and body aren't communicating.
She leans in, slowly, letting her other hand roam up your side. As she hovers inches from your face, her tongue slips out and moistens those tantalizing lips that are ever so close to your own. Gently, she tilts your head to the side and brings her mouth so close to yours that you can smell her lipgloss.
"I missed my best friend, Faye," she murmurs, "What happened to the girl that was going to fix this house for me? So we could live here together? Where did she go? Because I'm starting to get tired of waiting for her to come back."
And then her lips are on yours and all the overwhelming thoughts you've had up until now come grinding to a halt. You don't comply right away, but Diana is gentle, tentative, easing your mouth open with her tongue in the most persuasive of manners.
When you finally start kissing back, really kissing back, you hear a moan rise from the back of her throat and feel her hands slip from your face to your back in order to pull you closer. It's only when she pauses, languidly separating her lips from your own to catch her breath, that the gravity of the situation hits you.
You scramble backwards, pushing yourself into a standing position and start pacing. Diana watches you, confused, but when she gets up, you only move further away.
"Diana, I-I… I can't do this. It's too much," you try to explain.
"Faye… I thought we were on the same page? I thought this is what you wanted too."
"I do! God, I do. It's just… we can't. I can't."
"Faye, I get it. You're scared. And if you felt what I felt that night two years ago, then you were scared then, too. I'm not stupid. I know that's why you left. I used to know you better than you knew yourself. You thought that because you couldn't help me you were useless. That you weren't good enough. And when I woke up in the morning and you were gone, I just wanted to come to you and tell you it would be okay because it didn't matter what you thought or what you were afraid of because I knew you were good enough. Because I knew you loved me. And that would always, always be enough. But I was scared too. That's why I didn't come after you. I let us fall apart. I let you go on thinking that I could live without you in my life. But I can't, Faye. I need you here. With me. And this time… We're both stronger people now. All that's happened over the last couple of months has proved that. We're meant to be together, and whatever comes at us… We'll figure it out. Together."
"No, Diana! You don't get it. I'm not stronger. I am so, so weak. I'm not good for you. I haven't got myself together yet. I don't know if I ever will. And if I bring you into this mess… I'll wreck you," your voice comes out strangled and broken, and you realize there are tears starting to fall from your eyes. "And I could never live with myself if I did that. And as much as it hurts to be away from you, at least I know you won't have me bringing you down when you were meant for so much more than this place."
"I don't care what you think, Faye! I don't want you standing on the sidelines of my life because you think you're not good enough or that you'll hurt me – "
You shake your head vigorously. It's all too much to handle. You're no good. You know it, your mother knows it, everybody else knows it, so why can't she just see it too?
"I will ruin you, Diana. I can't do that. Because if I do… Then I'll have hurt the only thing I've ever loved. Don't you get that? I want more for you. I don't even know why I came here tonight."
"You came because deep down, you don't want to give up on yourself! You think you're so broken and damaged, and that you'll hurt me, but I think you're just afraid of getting hurt yourself!"
"You know what?" you chuckle bitterly, "You're right. I'm afraid that the one person who looks at me like I might be capable of something more than just being a screw up might realize that I'm no good. That I'm not worth being loved. And then I won't have anything left to hold on to."
Diana's gaze softens and you tense up. You didn't want to say all these things to her, and you don't know where this sudden case of word vomit is coming from.
"We can work on this together, Faye. You don't have to push everyone away. Least of all me."
"But I do. I'm sorry, Diana. I'm so, so sorry."
And then you run. You run away from the old house, you run from the woods, you run from reality. Just like you did the first time. And, just like the first time, a girl with tear-filled brown eyes stands amongst the wreckage you're leaving behind, left to wonder when you'll realize that all this running is what's hurting her the most.