A small, humorous little one-shot. And it's mildly dirty.

Cryle. Craig/Kyle or Kyle/Craig.

Craig Tucker had a dirty secret he would take to the grave.

What was it you may ask? You're probably guessing things like, 'raising a Guinea pig army to take over the world', or maybe even a drug dealer with a weird fascination with calling his products 'red racer'. No, I'm afraid he was no Heisenberg or Guinea pig tamer- Although the drug thing would be pretty sweet…

But, we are talking about Craig here. The man who thrived in normality. The man who liked things plain and simple. Cut and dry. Easy peas-y.

Think of him as a really rad Amish guy.

Right! The dirty secret, almost forgot… Craig's secret was that he…

He…

He was a fashionista.

What? Expecting something cooler? Told you he was boring. It wasn't going to be that out of control and crazy. Too bad it wasn't the drug thing. Picture him making 'Red Racer' with Tweek in the middle of a desert with an RV, so cool.

But yes, there was absolutely no way of knowing that Craig secretly liked fashion. He had a lot of clues hidden around the apartment however. If you looked under the underwear and socks in his dresser drawer you would find not porn but Gentleman's Quarterly or maybe even a few issues of Cosmos. His closets even had little compartments where his 'other' clothes were.

Yes, he had things hiding in his closet. What could he say? College was a confusing time.

He was very much into dressing like a metrosexual when nobody was looking. When he was alone in his apartment, he liked to think about making clothing and wearing it. It was that sort of thing that if he told his friends they would laugh in his face and call him a fag.

Well, they weren't too far off seeing as he had a boyfriend.

And they were out on a little date too.

Now, you're probably thinking somewhere a little rational like a coffee shop or maybe a cheap restaurant. Nope, you would be wrong.

Kyle had suggested one of the most pretentious stores that resided in the South Park mall. It was that one store that nearly every metrosexual shopped at, and Craig when he was in incognito mode. Craig thought to himself as to why? Was he that obvious with his secret? Did he know? Did he slip up somehow? Kyle wouldn't say it but Craig knew Kyle wasn't into the clothes there, at all. He would rather have regular clothes on his back than something a little too 'fab'.

Kyle gave no reason as to why, he just held onto Craig's arm and pointed him in the directions of where all the brightly colored feminine clothes laid, riffling through them like someone trying to find a needle in a haystack.

It seemed like Kyle just liked to torture him. Huh, why was Craig dating him again?

Craig Tucker was dating Kyle Broflovski because he was boring. Simple as that. He was a rational little Jew that didn't really want to go on adventures. Tweek was too much pressure and Stan was too every-man, but Kyle was just right. Small, fiery and always the voice of reason.

…And he was hot. There was that too.

Even the way they got into their relationship was boring.

'You wanna go out?'

'Whatever.'

Kyle pawed through another rack, pushing back all the clothes except for one item, eyes widening in awe. It was the most flamboyant from the bunch. "What about this one, dude? It's you're size and everything!"

The chullo man tried to seem unimpressed with the whole situation while in reality, he was sweating bullets and praying to god that he didn't know his secret. He inwardly groaned every time Kyle would drag him to another rack, hoping he wouldn't say anything.

Why? The question kept echoing in the noirette's mind.

"Wow, this would look great on you, dude." he held up a sweater with a pugs face against the chullo man with a smile, "Too bad I'd look like a nerd with it on. It really makes you look sexy."

Craig cringed at the word, 'sexy' and gave Kyle a look. He was ready to take the gaudy sweater and stuff it up his tight Jew ass.

"That's fantastic," he said simply. "Can we leave?"

The Jew rat didn't answer, instead he scurried to a display, thumbing through jeans before pulling out one that was a bizarre turquoise color, placing them against Craig's waist. All without Craig's consent. Though, Craig gave them a once over. They were nice, a little small but it would look nice with one of his beige cardigans and a little something underneath… Wait! He had to act like he hated them!

"I'm kinda jealous. If I wore these... I'd look like a total-"

"A total idiot," he snatched up the oddly colored fabric and jammed it back on the top with the others. "I want to go home."

"Craig, we're shopping for you."

The larger man peered down at the redhead, eyes narrowing. He could almost see the sweat collect on Kyle's forehead. He was hiding something alright. "Why? Why the fuck are we even here? Do you think I dress like a bum or something?"

If he said he did… Craig would just about dump him on the spot. It would have been a total slap to the face. Like, totally harsh.

"No!" Kyle practically shouted. Grunting, he shuffled all the clothing Craig was to try on in the other arm. "I just want to make you look really nice… Maybe do a little modeling for me in the changing room? I-I'm not saying we have to buy them or anything…"

"What are you even saying?"

"Yo! Everything okay over here? There's enough sweet deals here to go around, don't make a fuss prissy fags," A salesman said rather casually, walking over to the two. Of course Craig noticed him right away. He had to hold back the urge to hide behind a mannequin or jump into a rack. The taco stain on his shirt gave it away… yup, no other than Clyde.

"Sup guys," Clyde beamed, seemingly ignoring the fact he was even working. Craig was sure his boss would love to see the fatass yelling out, 'yo' and 'fags' to the customers. "You come to see me?"

Craig knew that Clyde worked at the 'prissy fag' store. He knew his schedule by heart since it was as easy enough to squeeze information out of him as aerosol cheese. It almost relaxing to shop knowing he wasn't stalking around.

Getting caught was enough for Craig to lose his composure… just a little anyways.

Kyle answered rather quickly, holding onto Craig a little tighter, "No… we came to shop for Craig."

What was that leaving Craig's body? His soul. Yup, he died right there. He knew that Clyde would never let it go. It would be everywhere and he would constantly throw it in his face at all the most inopportune times. 'Guess what guys? Craig's a fashion-fag! And I'm also a fat pig, yo!'

Clyde held his sausage links fingers to his mouth, trying to muffle a laugh. It didn't work, he just snorted and squealed like the piggy he was. His eyes watered as he flicked a few tears away, controlling his laughter. "He need some new threads, huh? Nice to see his wife help him shop."

Kyle's cheery expression turned into a glare, his hazel eyes shooting out imaginary lasers. It was times like these, Craig wished he could shoot lightning from his eyes like that one time in Peru. When he brought it up to Kenny, he swore up and down he took some acid or drank a lot of cough syrup and thought all that shit up. Craig knew it happened. Giant Guinea pigs were taking over the world and he stopped the leader with a few bolts from his eyes... then again, he slightly remembered chasing Tweek down the street with a flashlight…

Craig snatched the pile of clothes from Kyle, shoving Clyde out of the way, "Let's try on these clothes and get out of here already."

The two wandered outside the dressing rooms, escaping Clyde's ridicule for a moment. Craig eyed the so called doors as it consisted of velvet-ish curtains. Curtains. Huh, it almost reminded him of a sex shop off the interstate… that he never went to. Like, ever. He picked the very end room, seeing as he had enough of people today and he didn't want to be seen by anyone else.

Why? Why did Kyle bring him here of all places?

"Make sure you model for me, okay?" Kyle handed Craig the clothes with a cheery tone that made Craig gag… but a part of him was almost elated. He was going to be living out a partial fantasy. Showing Kyle his fashion sense and how down right 'sexy' he could be. So, in a way it wasn't that bad… but still pretty bad.

Craig shuffled out of his street clothes, tossing them to the corner like used dish rags. He shuffled into the turquoise pants and into a cardigan that somehow sneaked into the pile, giving himself occasional glances to see how everything fit. "Wow," he mumbled to himself as he admired himself in the nearly glowing mirror. He did look good. In fact, he really liked the first outfit of many.

Kyle did have a good taste in fashion.

Speak of the devil, the Jew called from outside the little room, "Craig? Did you get lost? Show me what you look like!"

The noirette pulled on his chullo strings for a moment. Almost conflicted on what he should do. Craig slipped open the curtain, giving the best unimpressed look he could muster. Now the modeling could begin. Kyle observed him closely, one eye squinted and his hand on his chin. He gave a quick turning motion with his finger and Craig did so, with a bitchy scoff of course.

Craig was Kyle's model, twirling for him. He couldn't help the little, tiny smile that cracked through the monotone facade.

"Cool dude, I really like that outfit! Why don't we keep that one in mind?"

"Whatever."

And just like that Craig retreated back into the dressing room, shedding off the clothes with a wide grin, placing on a new outfit for Kyle to see. After thirty minutes or so of changing through a few outfits, Craig stepped out of the dressing room and Kyle stood there with a familiar glint in his eyes.

Craig pulled at the sweater distastefully, "All these outfits make me look like a hipster. I'm definitely not amused with your tomfoolery."

He didn't noticed however the way Kyle was looking him up and down and the mischievous smile that suddenly appeared on his face. "You missed a button." Was all he said before pushing the man backwards and closing the curtain behind them. The noirette glanced at the man confused as the redhead planted a few sloppy kisses on his mouth while a curious hand traveled up the front of his shirt, finding skin before scratching all the way back down.

Now he knew what Kyle was up to.

No good.

"I thought you were taking me out shopping. I'm truly disappointed." Craig's rimmed glasses fell lower on his nose while the redhead snagged another kiss, nibbling at his bottom lip with wanton. "If you could tell me, I would be so happy."

Kyle parted from the tall noirette, but only for a second. "Shopping… and I've always kinda wanted to do it in a changing room."

"Nice fantasy weirdo," Craig shot back, to which the redhead yanked him back down, kissing him more profusely. He mumbled passed his lips, "You're my wife, remember?"

"I thought we agreed that we were above labeling each other as the boy or the girl-"

"But if you really want to fulfill a fantasy…" Craig took a moment to push Kyle into one of the flimsy walls, "You can help me with mine."

Craig had to think for a second… what was happening again? It made his skin erupt in goose bumps knowing that Kyle would take him from behind in a mall changing room while dressed like… well, himself. He would never say it of course, it was a dirty secret he would take to the grave.

The two fumbled with each other's clothes, peeling them off and teeth just barely nicking each other as the need began to grow. The redhead groaned, his head connecting roughly with the wall when Craig decided to grope him unexpectedly. "Wh-what's the fantasy?"

"Just shut up and fuck me."

He had to admit, doing in a public place was fun but, 'way too much pressure' as Tweek put it. The constant noises that refused to leave Craig's lips were muffled into the wall as it shook along with him. It seemed like one false move and the dressing rooms would domino apart.

The part that drove Craig wild was the fact that they were doing something they both wanted to. Both looked down upon. Both secrets.

A few awkward, yet fun minutes later, the two emerged from the dressing room. Both straightening and smoothing themselves out too seem less… after sex-ish.

It seemed as though the chullo man had gained newfound confidence. And it only took a little butt fucking in a pretentious store that he normal wouldn't be caught dead in. Craig slammed the whole lot of clothes on the counter of the register, looking at Clyde with a defiant glare. "These."

Clyde had to smother a few laughs in his hands, giving the two men a once over. "The Craig Tucker I know wouldn't be caught dead in these clothes. This has to be a joke."

Craig didn't say anything, instead he continued to glare at the taco fiend. Then he raised his middle finger. The brunette straightened slightly, scanning each item carefully before folding them and placing them in the large plastic bags. The noirette was not too be fucked with.

Clyde stilled, noticing a stain before dropping it instantly. "Yo! What the fuck?!" he grimaced, looking back to the two. "Guys, really? Really?! The dressing room? …Did you?"

Kyle looked to Craig and he shrugged, looking back to Clyde. "Yes in the dressing room."

"No! I gotta clean that shit up!" he whined, throwing his hands up. "I should call the cops on you perverts."

The two men snickered to themselves. Vengeance was served, leaving the store with smiles a mile long they made it back into Craig's car and the noirette couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. Kyle didn't know. He wouldn't know. Things were alright... even though he knew a new side of Kyle. A kinkier side. At that thought he felt a pang in his ass. Shaking it off, he noticed Kyle shifting though the bag and muttering to himself, "This would go so good with that purple chiffon shirt of yours."

What...?

What?! WHAT?! How did he know he had a purple chiffon? It wasn't like he had it in plain sight. Craig went from being calm and collected to... less than relaxed. Still monotoned but on high alert.

"What did you say?"

Kyle's eyes widened as he coughed to himself, trying to play it off, "Uh... shit, dude."

"You looked in my closet, didn't you?"

"Hehe... No?"

Craig Tucker had secrets. You're probably guessing things like, 'raising a Guinea pig army to take over the world', or maybe even a drug dealer with a weird fascination with calling his products 'red racer'. No, I'm afraid he was no Heisenberg or Guinea pig tamer- Although the drug thing would be pretty sweet…

But, it wasn't just Craig. It was Kyle too. They both had dirty secrets they would take to the grave. None of which were exciting by any means but they were their secrets that they shared.

And it only made the two closer.

Because what good is a secret if you have to keep it to yourself?