THE STUFF THAT, UH... I FORGET
or:
THE
MALTESE
CROW
This attempt at comedy has been modified
as follows from its original version:
it has been formatted to fit your hard drive
filmed in TECHNICOLOR!! ®
Open:
EXT.-ALLEYWAY-NIGHT
[Subtitled]
Amniville
11:30PM
It's dark out. A man walks up, closer to us. He smiles happily as a shot rings out. He stumbles a bit, then collapses and rolls down the grassy hill just behind the alleyway and cement lot.
INT.-HOMER'S OFFICE-DAY
Homer's asleep behind his desk at work. The door opens behind him and in walks Bart and Millhouse.-
BART:
Dad... uh, Homer!
He shoves him around.
HOMER:
It was like that when I got here...
(pause)
Hey, why aren't you in school?
BART:
It's Saturday, Homer.
HOMER:
Ahh!
INT.-HOME-DAY
Homer lies on the couch watching TV.
HOMER:
Nothing good is ever on on Saturday.
MARGE:
Homer, it's Monday morning.
HOMER:
Ahh!
INT.-MR. BURNS' OFFICE-DAY
Mr. Burns sits behind his desk in his large office. Mr. Smithers walks in.
SMITHERS:
You called me sir?
BURNS:
Yes. I need a partner for a trip I am going on.
SMITHERS:
Well, gee, I'm flater...
BURNS:
(interrupting)
Lets go find one.
SMITHERS:
Oh, well... alright.
INT.-HOMER'S OFFICE-DAY
Homer, back at work. Lenny and Carl walk in, waking him up.
CARL:
Uh, hey Homer.
HOMER:
What's today?
LENNY:
Thursday.
HOMER:
That's a work day, right?
LENNY:
I... think so... until five anyway.
HOMER:
What time is it now?
CARL:
Uh, ten.
HOMER:
Ahh!
CARL:
In the morning, Homer.
HOMER:
Good to know. Well, I'm going home.
CARL:
Why?
He shrugs and leaves.
INT.-HALL OF THE POWER PLANT-SAME
Homer walks down the hall as Mr. Burns and Smithers pass by. They stop him.
BURNS:
Smithers, who is this lolly-gagger?
SMITHERS:
Why that's Homer Simpson, sir. Sector 7G.
BURNS:
Simpson, eh? He's perfect.
SMITHERS:
But, sir...
BURNS:
No buts Smithers. He's just the man I need
for my expedition. Big, dumb and up for suggestion.
Hey, you, Simpson. Yeah you.
HOMER:
Me?
BURNS:
(sarcastic)
No, the other Homer Simpson of sector 7G
behind you.
Homer looks. There's no one behind him.
HOMER:
K.
He walks away.
BURNS:
Get back here!
HOMER:
Yes, sir!
BURNS:
Are you big, dumb and up for suggestion?
HOMER:
Um... yeah... except... no...
BURNS:
What the... yes you are!
HOMER:
Yes I am.
BURNS:
You are, right?
HOMER:
Possibly.
BURNS
(to Smithers)
Well, he's certainly dumb. Smithers,
my pocking rod.
Smithers hands him a rod.
Mr. Burns pokes Homer in the stomach with it and watches his stomach wobble about like waves.
HOMER:
Tee hee.
BURNS:
...and he is rather big...
(pause)
Go away.
HOMER:
Yes.
Homer walks off.
BURNS:
(tapping his fingertips together)
Excellent.
INT-BURNS' OFFICE-DAY
Mr. Burns sit behind his desk, Homer sits across from him anxiously.
BURNS:
Now... Simpson, think you can act smart for a
few days and be my bodyguard?
HOMER:
Bodyguard?
BURNS:
Yes, you see, there is an ancient mythological
statuette, a trophy if you will, that is worth more than
many 3rd World countries combined, multiplied
by a large number... and perhaps even squared.
HOMER:
Woooow. That's alot.
BURNS:
They call it...
Spiral into an extreme CU of Burns.
BURNS:
...The Maltese Crow.
You catch on fast, that'll be of help.
Silence.
BURNS:
You never say more than neccesary, that should
be of help. And you feel no pain, that should be
of much help also.
HOMER:
Feel no pain?
BURN:
Yes, there's a squirrel knawing at your leg and
a fork stuck in your rear. Quite impre...
HOMER:
Ahhh! Get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it out,
get it out, get it out, get it out, get it...!!
INT.-HOME-LATER
Bart is watching tv.
TV:
Faith in a God, $23.45, love of a family, $99.99,
appreciation and understanding of yourself and
your sexuality, 99% off at K-Mart. Your new Visa
classic card with a $20 limit... priceless.
MARGE(OS):
Bart, your little friend's here.
MILLHOUSE(OS):
I am not little!
Bart walks out to the front door to meet Millhouse.
MILLHOUSE:
Hey, guess what!
BART:
I dunno.
MILLHOUSE:
My dad's going on a business trip, and my mom's
going with him! So my grandmother's babysitting
and she's about as deaf as Stevie Wonder!
BART:
Perfect. I'll be over tonight around ten.
MILLHOUSE:
See ya' then.
INT.-MOE'S TAVERN-NIGHT
Homer, Carl, Lenny and Barney are at the bar drinking away.
Moe stands behind it.
MOE:
So, uh, Homer... what's with the hat? New
style or suttin'?
We notice he is wearing a brimmed, detective-like hat.
HOMER:
Um... style... yeah...
LENNY:
Yeah, and're you in some kind of a rush?
HOMER:
Why do you ask?
LENNY:
You've already managed to drink the fifteen drink
minimum.
HOMER:
So? I usually have twice that much.
Homer lays his hat on the bartop.
CARL:
You got here five minutes ago, Homer.
HOMER:
Well, I'm not supposed to say. So let me put it
this way, I'm going somewhere, to do something...
with someone.
CARL:
Wow. That's the best you've ever kept a secret
as long as I've known ya'.
BARNEY:
He's going to New York with Mr. Burns.
HOMER:
Barney, how did you know that?
BARNEY:
Know what?
HOMER:
About where I was going and stuff.
BARNEY:
I know stuff?
HOMER:
What stuff?
BARNEY:
Beats me. burp
HOMER:
Same here.
Homer gets up and starts for the door.
MOE:
Hey, Homer. You gotta pay.
HOMER:
Pay?
MOE:
Ya' know, money...
HOMER:
You want money, Moe? How shallow are
you? I though we were frien- bye!
He has made his way to the door and ducked out.
Pause.
Homer sneaks back in and grabs his hat. He sneaks back out, as if thinking nobody saw him.
HOMER(OS):
Suckers.
INT.-SIMPSON'S HOME-LATER THAT NIGHT
The phone rings. Homer steps from around the corner and answers it.
HOMER:
Yeah?
BURNS(OS):
Prepared to depart on our expedition?
HOMER:
Um... who is this?
BURNS(OS):
It's me you dolt!
HOMER:
I dunno anybody named "me," goodbye.
BURNS(OS):
It's Montgomery Burns you ninny!
HOMER:
Um... uh... oh yeah! I know you. What're you doing
up so late?
BURNS(OS):
Get your fat, wrinkly behind down here immediately.
Docks on the east side of town, Pier 4.
HOMER:
Who told you about my ass?
(yelling out of the phone)
Marge, did you tell my boss about my
ass?
BART(OS):
(from upstairs)
Mom, dad's swearing. Damn, hell, ass!
HOMER:
Watch your mouth you little...
BURNS(OS):
(interrupting)
Hurry up! I'm not getting any younger.
Well, I was exposed to those toxins at the plant
so perhaps I am getting younger, but that's
besides the point. Don't forget the rope.
EXT.-DOCKS, PIER 4-LATER
Homer sneaks into the shadows of the dock in his black outfit with one small suitcase in his hand.
HOMER:
(whispering)
Why are we sneaking onto the boat? You're rich enough
to buy tickets.
BURNS:
(whispering)
We can't let anyone know we were on this boat.
My luggage is already on board. Is that little thing
the only thing you brought?
HOMER:
Yup.
BURNS:
You left your alibi, right?
HOMER:
(whispering)
Yes I did.
INT.-SIMPSON'S HOME-SAME
Marge is reading Homer's alibi, the clock behind her reads one in the morning...
Out to lunch.
Back in three days.
INT.-BOAT-SAME
By now Homer and Burns have snuck on and are hiding out in the back, cargo area of the boat with crates and boxes of sorts surrounding them.
BURNS:
Get down, we'll sleep back here until
early morning.
HOMER:
Sleeeeeeeep.
INT.-MILLHOUSE'S-NIGHT
Millhouse and Bart sit on the couch trying to stay awake while staring at the TV.
We cut into a view of the TV.
BUY A NEW USED CAR TODAY!
NO DOWN PAYMENT!
NO FINE PRINT!
Down payment required by penalty of law. Definition of a used car
may vary. Definition of fine print varies from state to state.
BART:
This blows. How's about we go out?
MILLHOUSE:
Out? It's past midnight.
BART:
C'mon!
MILLHOUSE:
I can't, not tonight anyway.
BART:
Tomorrow night?
MILLHOUSE:
Alright. Just gimme some time. I need
breathing room Bart! Breathing room!
You're smothering me!
Pause.
MILLHOUSE:
Mom made me watch the soaps with
her yesterday.
BART:
Soooo... your mom made you watch soap?
That has to be my cue. Exit, stage left. 'Til
tomorrow my good man.
Bart exits.
INT.-BOAT/CARGO AREA-SAME
Mr. Burns walks back into the cargo area from outside.
BURNS:
It's only a matter of time before we reach Amnivlle
and begin our desperate investigation for the one and
only Crow that so many others have perished while
attempting. From there we shall trade it to the highest
bidder for the infinite treasures it is truly worth.
HOMER:
(pause)
K.
EXT.-BOAT'S DECK-LATER THAT MORNING
Homer walks onto the deck. There is a guy behind him spray panting "Groening waz here" on the wall, and then runs off.
The captain of the boat, leaning against the railing while enjoying the sunrise, sees Homer walking his way.
CAPTAIN:
Can I help you?
HOMER:
When's breakfast?
CAPTAIN:
Um, it's not even 7AM yet.
HOMER:
So breakfast's at 7AM?
CAPTAIN:
Sorry, sir. You can't order beakfast until 9
in any morning.
HOMER:
It's because I'm black isn't it? You
are a racist sir! Me some people wanna
eat 'dat food too.
CAPTAIN:
You're not black.
HOMER:
Let's not argue semantics.
Then a security officer drags Mr. Burns into the scene.
SECURITY:
I found this guy hiding out in the cargo area,
captain.
CAPTAIN:
sigh Can I see your tickets, please?
INT.-SIMPSON'S KITCHEN-SAME
Bart and Lisa yawn as they enter the kitchen and take their seats at the breakfast table.
Marge puts a plate of pancakes in front of them and syrup in the middle of the table. She takes her seat.
LISA:
Where's dad?
BART:
Yeah, where's he?
MARGE:
sigh I dunno, kids.
BART:
I bet he's off drunk somewhere having
the time of his life... lucky.
EXT.-OCEAN-SAME
As we open the scene we hear Homer scream as he is thrown over board and splashes in the water.
Mr. Burns follows.
BURNS:
Come on, we'll have to swim the rest of the way.
Couldn't be more than three miles.
HOMER:
I'm fat and you're old, swimming at any length
ain't gonna happen.
BURNS:
Quiet you.
HOMER:
No way.
BURNS:
I got an idea.
HOMER:
Nah-ah.
BURNS:
Shut up!
HOMER:
No siree.
BURNS:
Shut the bloody hell up!
EXT.-OCEAN-SAME
Mr. Burns and Homer glide across the water without doing anything. We screen across to see a rope tied to the boat.
HOMER:
(sarcastic)
Great idea, Mr. Burns.
BURNS:
Yes, yes it was.
Suddenly they stop moving. They look up to see that the captain has cut the rope.
CAPTAIN:
(waving)
Buh-bye now.
The boat begins to get farther away until it's very small in the distance.
No land is in sight.
BURNS:
Looks like we will have to do some swimming.
They begin tryng to swim in the direction of the island and the boat.
EXT.-OCEAN-LATER THAT MORNING
Homer stops swimming.
HOMER:
I can't make it, go on without me.
He turns to his stomach and floats there.
BURNS:
I didn't think a man that fat could float.
Suddenly Mr. Burns stands up.
BURNS:
You numskull.
He goes over and tries to pick Homer up.
HOMER:
(looks up)
I said go on without me damnit!
BURNS:
Stand up!
HOMER:
But I...
He goes to stand up and realizes how far in they are.
HOMER:
I see.
EXT.-ISLAND-DAY
They finally make it up to the island. They pant and moan, out of breath.
Mr. Burns grabs Homer's arm.
BURNS:
Come with me.
They walk off.
EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY
Mr. Burns and Homer walk down the sidewalk, in new, dry clothes.
BURNS:
Where did you get these clothes?
HOMER:
Just around the corner.
EXT.-AROUND THE CORNER-SAME
An elderly married couple sit on the sidewalk in nothing but their underwear.
INT.-HOTEL-SAME
Homer and Burns go to the front desk to check in.
BURNS:
We would like a room, please.
The lady clerk looks at them interested.
CLERK:
Are you two... together?
BURNS:
Of course.
CLERK:
So you're...
BURNS:
Yes, we're together! What's the bloody trouble?
HOMER:
(whispers to him)
I think she thinks we're gay.
BURNS:
Oh, damnnations. We're alive aren't we? Isn't that good
enough reason to be gay? How much is a room?
CLERK:
How long?
BURNS:
Don't know.
CLERK:
It's $120 a night.
BURNS:
A hundred and twent... what's happened
to the world?!
(pause)
That'll be fine.
CLERK:
Names?
BURNS:
Burns and Simpson.
CLERK:
What about first names? Got one of them handy?
BURNS:
Montgomery and... something.
HOMER:
Tido Puente.
CLERK:
Just... just sign here.
She offers up a paper.
Mr. Burns signs it, then the Clerk hands him a key.
They both walk away from the desk and to the middle of the lobby.
BURNS:
We'll go start business before we unpack.
HOMER:
Unpack?
BURNS:
Our luggage.
HOMER:
It was on the boat.
BURNS:
Damn. Well, we'll worry about that later. First...
EXT.-SIDEWALK-SAME
They both walk until they come to a building with a large window with the names WADE AND ARCHER written across it. They walk into the building.
INT.-BUILDING-SAME
They both walk up to a desk at the top of the first flight of stairs. It sits out in front of an office behind it. The window on the door has the same names as the outside window. The female secretary behind the desk greets them.
SECRETARY:
May I help you?
BURNS:
We'd like to speak to one of the detectives.
SECRETARY:
Well right now they're speaking with a new client,
so you just wait out here until then. You can take a seat
right here.
She points to three chairs against the wall next to her.
They both sit.
HOMER:
(whispering to Burns)
Why do we need a detective?
BURNS:
They'll help us find what we're looking
for.
HOMER:
What's that?
BURNS:
The Crow!
HOMER:
The what?
Then the office door opens and out walks a glamorous woman who takes her time down the stairs.
Next to come out of the office is one of the Detective's, Detective Same Wade (Clooney).
WADE:
Yes?
BURNS:
May we speak with you?
Archer sneaks out behind Wade and starts to the stairs.
ARCHER:
I'm gonna get started on that case now
Sam, I'll be back.
WADE:
Alright.
(pause)
Come in, gentlemen.
INT.-WADE'S OFFICE-SAME
Wade takes a seat behind his desk as Homer and Burns sit in the two seats in front of the desk.
WADE:
So, what're your troubles?
BURNS:
We need your help in acquiring a certain item.
WADE:
This item being...?
BURNS:
This item being The Maltese Crow. We will
pay your rate plus a bonus if found.
WADE:
Okay. I'll see what I can do, is that it?
BURNS:
Yeah.
WADE:
(referring to Homer)
Does he talk?
Mr. Burns shrugs.
WADE:
(to Homer)
Do you talk?
HOMER:
I don't know, do I?
WADE:
(pause)
Aaaaanyway... give me a phone number to reach
you at.
Mr. Burns begins writing something on a piece of paper as we fade to
INT.-HOTEL ROOM-DAY
They arrive at their room and walk in.
Homer, carrying all of the luggage, drops it down on the bed.
BURNS:
We must get down to business.
He looks over to the door and sees the bell hop and waiting, for a tip.
BURNS:
Is there a problem?
The hop motions to his outreached hand.
BURNS:
Get out of my room.
The hop makes a face and leaves.
BURNS:
Shut the door you bloody imbecile.
Burns walks to the door and shuts the door.
BURNS:
Must I do all the work? Alright, Simpson, we must
schedule a meeting.
HOMER:
With who, sir?
BURNS:
The Fat Man.
HOMER:
I'm right here.
BURNS:
No, no, Gasper... Gasper Gutson. I know
where he is staying, so I will give him a call.
Mr. Burns walks over to the phone and dials.
VOICE(OS):
Yes?
BURNS:
Is this the Astor Hotel?
HOTEL(OS):
Yes it is.
BURNS:
Room 23B.
HOTEL(OS):
Let me dial it.
There is a brief pause.
HOTEL(OS):
They've disconnected the telephone
He hangs up.
BURNS:
You're going to have to go down there
and ask to see him.
INT.-CAB-LATER
Homer is sitting in the back seat. He looks down at the cab driver's ID taped to the back of the front seats.
BOND, WARD
[Picture] Age 38
EXT.-ASTOR HOTEL-LATER
He has arrived at the hotel and begins walking towards it.
INT.-ASTOR HOTEL-SAME
Homer walks up to the front desk.
HOMER:
Um, I needa get to Room 23B.
CLERK #2:
Who should I say is coming up?
HOMER:
Don't.
CLERK #2:
Well, okay then. Go to the elevator and
tell the attendant where you're heading.
HOMER:
Where's that?
CLERK #2:
Room two three B.
HOMER:
Look lady, I was never any good at geometry,
just let me up to the room.
CLERK #2:
See the short annoying guy in the elevator
over there?
POV. Homer looks over and sees a scottish terrier sleeping on a bench.
Out of POV.
CLERK #2:
That's a dog, sir. Just go to the elevator.
INT.-HIGHER FLOOR-SECONDS LATER
Homer leaves the elevator and turns to the attendant.
HOMER:
You, sir, are quite short and even more annoying
than implied at the front desk.
The frightened attendant rapidly and repeatedly pressed the "down" button, sweating horrible.
Homer walks down the hallway and up to room 23B. He knocks. Soon after the door is answered by a man.
MAN:
Yes?
HOMER:
I need to see the Fat Man.
MAN:
You're right there.
HOMER:
That's what I said! I need to see Gasper
something-or-other.
MAN:
Come in.
INT.-ROOM 23B-SAME
Homer steps in and looks at a chair over on the other side of the room, it is facing the window.
HOMER:
Um... Mr. Gutson?
The chair turns around to reveal Gutson, the Comic Book Guy.
COMIC BOOK GUY/ GUTSON:
Oh, dear me I knew I should have chosen
Johnnie Mendes of issue #745 of Steal Warrior
1900 as my alias. It would have fit me much better.
HOMER:
Alias?
COMIC BOOK GUY:
Who are you and what do you want?
HOMER:
I am supposed to set up a meeting.
The Comic Book Guy takes out a little piece of paper and reads off of it.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
My fortune cookie told me that today I would
have a visitor. How very not interesting.
(pause)
Meeting, huh?
HOMER:
Either that or... something else entirely.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
With whom?
HOMER:
Burns.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
C. Montgomery Burns? Business Tycoon from
my hometown of Springefield.
HOMER:
How the hell should I know?
COMIC BOOK GUY:
So he too has heard of it.
HOMER:
Of what?
COMIC BOOK GUY:
You don't know?
HOMER:
I don't know much.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
If you don't know I needn't bother to
tell you.
HOMER:
O...K...
COMIC BOOK GUY:
If he wishes to meet it will be tonight
over dinner.
HOMER:
(drooling)
Dinner.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
Jin-tian, seven PM, Cafe Lorre on Green Street.
HOMER:
Gin-what?
COMIC BOOK GUY:
My fortune cookie also informed me how to
say "today" correctly in Chinese. To think I had
been making a fool out of myself by pronouncing
it Gin-ting all this time. Will the mockery ever
end?
HOMER:
Wow. You're pretty screwed up.
INT.-CAFE LORRE-NIGHT
Mr. Burns and Homer sit alone at a table.
BURNS:
He thinks he can stand C. Montgomery Burns up
does he? Well, we don't need him. We have plenty
of help as it is. We'll see who has the last laugh.
INT.-HOTEL-LATER THAT NIGHT
Mr. Burns and Homer walk through the loby and head towards the elevators when the voice of the clerk behind the check in desk calls to them.
CLERK:
Excuse me, residents Burns and Simpsons?
BURNS:
(walking over)
Yes, what is it?
CLERK:
You have a message from one Detective Wade.
Says to give him a call once you got the message.
Here's the number.
She slides a piece of paper across the desk top.
BURNS:
Is there a phone?
CLERK:
There's a pay phone over there.
INT.-PAY PHONE-SAME
Burns is dialing the number. He waits for an answer.
SECRETARY(OS):
Yes?
BURNS:
Wade please.
SECRETARY(OS):
One second.
Beat.
WADE(OS):
Hello?
BURNS:
Yes, this is Monty Burns.
WADE(OS):
I think I have a lead for you. Get down
here as soon as you can.
He hangs up.
BURNS:
I have to go down to the detective's, you
go to the boat and get our luggage.
Mr. Burns walks off.
HOMER:
Boat?
INT.-BART'S ROOM-THAT NIGHT
Bart tosses a chain of attached sheets out his window and ties one end to his right bed post. He climbs out of the window.
EXT.-OUTSIDE-SAME
Bart climbs down his hand-made rope. Once at the bottom, he pulls the rope down and puts it to the side. He starts walking down the street.
INT.-WADE'S OFFICE-LATER
Wade sits behind his desk as a knock comes from his door.
WADE:
Yeah?
Mr. Burns steps in, shuts the door and takes a seat.
WADE:
I'm glad you could come, the trsain leaves the
station at eight tomorrow night. Put yourself in a
leg cast and... wait, you're nut McMurray are ya'?
BURNS:
Burns.
WADE:
Ah, yes, you're the crow guy. A boat will be
arriving today on the east harbor. Rumor has it
it carries a black bird. I won't lie to you, the
idea of getting it off the boat is ludicrous
due to security...
The secretary walks in.
SECRETARY:
The Commissioner's on line four.
WADE:
Tell him I'll call him back.
SECRETARY:
But...
WADE:
You heard me.
SECREATRY:
Okay, sir.
She goes over to the door to leave. As she opens it a man stands there limp, almost zombie-like. He steps in with a wrapped bundle in his hand. He drops it to the ground. She screams.
MAN:
Y'know... crow...
He collpases, dead.
Wade and Burns jump to their feet.
WADE:
He's dead... shot in the back.
BURNS:
Is that bundle...
WADE:
Looks like your luck's high today, Monty.
Wade picks the bundle up.
WADE:
So, I found it. Got the bonus?
BURNS:
Not on me at the moment.
WADE:
Then I'll keep it until you do, if that's just the same to you.
BURNS:
Fair enough. Expect a call.
INT.-MILLHOUSES'S-NIGHT
Bart sneaks up the stairs and sees Millhouse sneaking across the hallway towards his room.
BART:
Hey.
MILLHOUSE
Bart? What-what're you doing here?
BART:
I was supposed to come, remember?
Bart looks over to his room. The door is open and there is a girl on Millhous's bed (still dressed, keep your filthy minds out of this. He's, like, ten years old! It's a cartoon, for Christ...). Bart looks back to Millhouse.
BART:
Who's that?
MILLHOUSE:
Um.. who's who?
BART:
The girl.
MILLHOUSE:
Girl? What girl?
BART:
(grabs Millhouse by the shirt)
I want answers, I want the truth!
MILLHOUSE:
You can't handle the truth! You're ears would
fall off and your heart would explode and your
eye would-would-would...
(pause)
Alright, maybe you can handle it and you ears might
stay attached.
BART:
I want answers now! Who's the dame?
MILLHOUSE:
She's my sister!
Bart slaps him across the face and slaps him once for each answer.
MILLHOUSE:
My girlfriend! slap My sister! slap My girlfriend! slap
My sister! slap My girlfriend! slap She's my sister and
my girlfriend!!
BART:
You don't have a sister.
Beat.
MILLHOUSE:
Alright, fine, she might not my sister.
INT.-HOTEL ROOM-NIGHT
Homer is relaxing on a bed as Burns walks in.
BURNS:
You get the luggage?
HOMER:
Mhmm. And all it took was a rope, a hot dog,
some charm and some good old fashioned
heterosexual knowhow.
BURNS:
What was the hot dog for?
HOMER:
Motivation.
BURNS:
Well, it's been found.
HOMER:
What?
BURN:
(repeating)
It's been found.
HOMER:
I mean what's been found?
BUNS:
The bloody Crow!
HOMER:
Was it still alive?
BURNS:
(pause)
You're worthless.
HOMER:
Worthless like a fox!
BURNS:
We must call the Fat Man again and
arrange a meeting here. I believe he will
be the highest bidder we've been looking
for.
HOMER:
Or... we could kill the fat man, tie him...
BURNS:
Shut up.
HOMER:
...and then...
BURNS:
Please.
HOMER:
(anxious)
But I have an idea! I never get ideas!
And it's a good idea! And...
EXT.-BUS TERMINAL-NIGHT
We move down from the sign reading "Bus Terminal" to a car as it pulls in front of it. Wade steps out and enters the Terminal.
INT.-BUS TERMINAL-SAME
He walks up to the counter and hands someone behind the desk the bundle.
He is then handed a ticket stub saying the locker number.
WADE:
Thanks, dollface.
Wade walks off.
We screen up to the person behind the desk. A greasy, pimply faced teenager with a cracking voice.
BOY:
Um, are you coming on to me?
INT.-BURNS AND HOMER'S HOTEL ROOM-LATER THAT NIGHT
Nearly everyone is in attendance. The Comic Book Guy sits in one of the chairs as Homer leans against the wall. Mr. Burns sits on the couch. Another unidentified man sits in the corner.
Then, a knock at the door.
Mr. Burns steps up and opens the door to reveal Detective Wade.
WADE:
Somebody was tailing me. He's outside.
BURNS:
Simpson, go retrieve him.
HOMER:
How will I know him?
WADE:
I've marked him specifically.
EXT.-STREETS-SAME
The guy who was following Wade comes in front of a store window and in the reflection sees a big white "M" on the back written in chalk.
GUY:
What the...
He starts trying to take it off with his hand but ends up chasing himself in circles.
Homer comes up and grabs him by the shoulder.
HOMER:
Come with me M-ee.
An Emmy statuette comes into view with a cigar in it's mouth.
STATUETTE:
(Edward G. Robinson imperonation)
Somebody call me? Yeah, ya' shee?
It'sh 'dem freaking hippies!
INT.-BURNS AND HOMER'S HOTEL ROOM-MOMENTS LATER
Everyone settles.
BURNS:
I'm glad we could all meet to discuss business.
MAN IN THE CORNER:
(with an accent)
You mean this isn't a "bring self love back into your
life" meeting?
(starts hitting himself)
Stupid! Stupid! You idiot!
He jumps out the window.
Pause.
The door opens and Homer comes in with the tail. He puts him in a chair and leans against the wall.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
Yawn. Let's get this over with.
WADE:
Okay. I have the Crow.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
Where?
WADE:
Somewhere.
HOMER:
Somewhere?
WADE:
(to Homer)
I already told you where.
HOMER:
Where what?
WADE:
(to Comic Book Guy)
I'm going to arrange to have it brought here.
As soon as I make the call it'll be here in less
than an hour. I need security.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
I am willing to pay $10,000. I have it right
here.
He throws a thick envelope onto the table.
Wade flips through it. He makes a satisfied look and goes to the phone. He begins to dial.
INT.-BURNS AND HOMER'S HOTEL ROOM-LATER
Another knock on the door.
Wade answers.
It is his secretary with the bundle.
WADE:
Thanks, baby.
SECRETARY:
I find your uses of "baby" and "sugar" offensive
and sexually implying.
WADE:
(pause)
You can go now, good-lookin'.
She blushes, smiles like a giddy little girl and leaves.
He shuts the door. Wade places the bundle down on the table.
The Comic Book Guy huddles around it. He desperately tears away a layer of newspaper, then a layer of cardboard, then a layer of dead fish skin, then a layer of hair. Then we get down to the Crow. He tears off the tin foil and then the plastic cover. Finally down to the Crow. He takes a nickel and begins to scratch it. It is fake.
COMIC BOOK GUY:
No! I've spent one thirty second thousandth
of my life looking for this Falcon, er, Crow.
Worst investigation ever.
HOMER:
So, what is this Crow?
WADE:
It's the, uh... things dreams are made of.
HOMER:
So he was really dead the whole time?
Then how did he get onto the bus, huh? How
did he get onto the bus?!
WADE:
Um...
COMIC BOOK GUY:
Looks like it's back to the comic book store for me
to waste milliseconds of my life on fat sloppy losers
like myself.
The Comic Book Guy leaves.
HOMER:
So....
WADE:
Yeah...
A policeman enters the room.
COPS:
So, Wade, you ready to cop up?
WADE:
It was the girl.
HOMER:
Girl?
Wade grabs a girl from OS.
WADE:
Her.
HOMER:
Where the hell did she come from?
And why the hell is grandpa here?
Screen over to see Grandpa in the background.
GRANDPA:
I was on the way to the doctors when a car stopped.
It was Jimmy Stewart, you know, the guy in that Hitchcock
movie. The scary one. Anyway, we was talking and he said
that line from that movie he was in about those guys in
the woods. Wait, that mighta been Ned Beatty. Anyway,
where was I? Oh yeah, so then the bus couldn't go
under 55 miles an hour or...
He fades into the distance.
GIRL:
You can't do it Sam, you mustn't!
WADE:
You killed Miles and you're going over for it!
HOMER:
Who's Miles?
WADE:
My partner. The one who was murdered!
HOMER:
Your partner was murdered??
Wade turns back to the girl.
WADE:
Baby, all we have is that maybe you love me
and, maybe I...
HOMER:
Blah blah blah, take the busty chic away.
The cop takes her and puts her in the elevator. Heavily dramatic music plays as the elevators iron gate closes.
BURNS:
So, who's that girl?
WADE:
It's a long story. Apparently the writer
didn't have the determination to add another
story into the already pointlessly intricate plot.
HOMER:
And what the hell happened with your partner?
WADE:
I dunno. Uh, Here's lookin' at you, kid?
He taps Homer on the chin with his fist.
Homer punches him in the jaw, rendering him unconscious.
A la the last scene in The Maltese Falcon, the elevator gate closes with the girl and the cop inside, the elevator lowers and Burns, Homer and Wade, suffering a slight concussion, walk to the left down the stairs.
Homer starts whistling the "Andy Griffith Show" tune until he trips down the stairs, moaning in pain at each step he hits. He continues the tune after he lands.
We FADE to a quick glimpse of a skull and then to a car being pulled out of a swamp.
THE END.
Panavision!