~*~*~

Title: Batman

Author: Snoopy

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Angst, Slash

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just an old shoe. That's it, a smelly, possibly mouldy shoe. Sue if ya want it, but otherwise…don't? Please? Pirdy please, with a cherry on top?…

Plot Notes: Set Sumtime.

Archive: If u wanna, but could u let me know???

Feedback: Flames, cherry bombs, whatever. All is welcome. ;)

Authors Notes: This is a story about people. It has words

"…" = Speech

'…' = Thoughts

Is it a bird…

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"OK. I lied. So sue me. My name isn't really Lance. It's . . . BATMAN!!! Mwahahaha"
Lance looked himself over in the mirror. He was clothed almost entirely in black - black stockings, black muscle shirt, black speedos (on the outside, of course), and a long black towel (think cape). In fact, the only relief from the ebony was a bright yellow spider, which had been plastered haphazardly onto the front of his shirt using copious amounts of Sellotape. "That's right, ladies and gentlemen, have no fear, the CAPED CRUSADER is here!"
And with that Lance Alvers, ultimate bad-boy and leader of the evil, maniacal brotherhood, picked up a pink clad Barbie doll and placed it carefully on top of his rumpled pillow.

'BARBIE': Oh, help, help! I'm trapped on this gosh-darned pillow mountain and I can't get down! Help!!!!
BATMAN: Don't worry Barbie! I'll save you!

Lance began prancing around the room flapping his arms and making plane noises…

BATMAN: Neurmmmm, neurmmm. Coming in on pillow mountain now, R2D2. Over.
ALARM CLOCK/R2D2: Beeep, beeep, beeep, beeeeeeeeeeeep.
BATMAN: Aye, aye, R2. Over.
'BARBIE': Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
BATMAN: Don't worry Barbie, I'll save you from this evil peak of Doom!
'BARBIE': Oh, Batman…
'Batman' and Barbie started making out on the bed…

~*~*~

Jesus Shit.

Pietro closed the door as quietly as he could and snuck down the hallway. Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit…SHIT!!!!! On the one hand, he was very, very scared. It wasn't everyday one would see their fearless leader dressed in a 'batman' ensemble and kissing a small, plastic doll. On the other hand, Lance did look soooo hot in those speedos…

No! Nononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono! I am not fantasising about Lance. I am straight! Straightstraightstraight! STRAIGHT I TELL YOU! STRAIGHT!!!!!!GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

OK. Think girls. Naked. Naked girls. Sexy naked girls. With cream. And strawberries. Mmmmmm, strawberries. They're red, like the Jean-bitches hair. Lance hates Jean. Lance…
And so the vicious cycle continued, on and on and on.

He stumbled dumbly down the stairs and flopped down onto the crumbling sofa. Its seat-cushion had worn through almost completely through overuse by one Freddy Dukes. Mouldering scraps of ancient cuisine littered the gaps between the tattered pads, and food-wrappers - long emptied of their contents - besieged the surrounding floor.
Pietro's azure eyes stared vacantly at the wall, his mouth slackened, his expression blank. In the unusually quiet house, nothing disturbed the apprehensive teen; no one comforted him, no one held him. No one even knew, and in the quiet the darkness nestled in the back of his mind grew and took hold, and the glimpse of hope he once held flickered and sputtered, overwhelmed in the black…

~*~*~

Todd had not only emptied the several large bags of food into the sparse kitchen cupboard, but also put dinner on to cook when he noticed an oddity in the brotherhood home. As Lance was mysteriously absent from the downstairs portion of their ramshackle abode, Toad resigned himself to asking Freddy for information.
"Do ya know what's up with Pietro, yo?"
"Huh?" Freddy's look was even blanker than usual.
"He's quiet."
"Mrmph" 'Hmmm. Candy canes are good this time of year.' With that thought, Freddy's mind returned to its usual stupor.
"Ooooooookay". Todd cautiously tottered into the living room. "Uh, hey…"
"…………"
Ummmmmm…"Pietro?"
"Oh! Hey Toddy, wassup?" The speedsters' eyes flicked nervously between the open door behind Todd and the window across the room.
"Pietro, you OK, yo?"
Blue eyes widened. "I'mfinewhywouldn'tIbefine.Whywhathaveyouheard?I'mjustthinkingaboutprettynakedgirls.Thatsall.Don'targuewithme!ThatswhatI'mthinkingaboutgoddamnit!" Pietro returned his blank look to the wall as he fell silent.
"Ummm, OK, yo, whatever you say."
"…………"

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To Be Continued…