Disclaimer: Veronica Mars belongs to Rob Thomas, The CW, et al. Paige Summers is technically my original character, but she's based on the basic 09er biyatch mold (e.g. Madison et al), so she's not really "mine" but just another outcropping of a basic stereotype.

Some Background on this Story: At the time of this writing I've seen up to 3x16 (SPOILERpizandveronicadothenastySPOILER). This story assumes that after Logan and Parker started going out, Veronica started dating Piz for awhile, but then they broke up. So now she's single again. And she never realized that her true love was right behind her all along … checking out her ass in those tight jeans. What a Dick!

Warning: Lots of sex! But there's a lot more talking about sex than actual sex, unfortunately. And implied homosexual intercourse that may lead to blindness in younger readers, so don't read unless you are old enough to legally have sex in whatever country/state/province/etc you live in. And I'll also be dropping the F-bomb at several strategic locations!

Also, if you find yourself going "WTF?!" at the first scene, don't worry. It's meant to be a surreal/WTF kind of scene. I mean really, Wallace saying that to Ronnie?! WTF?!?!

Catching Dick, Chasing Mars

By Lymie Eros

Chapter 1: Veronica, Get Thyself Laid!

"'Ron, I'm saying this as your friend. You seriously need to get laid."

Veronica just stared at him, her mouth open with shock. "What did you just say?" she asked in disbelief.

"I'm serious," Wallace replied. "Logan and Parker aren't going anywhere, things didn't work out with Piz, and now you're even more uptight than normal. You just need to relax, you know? Have a one night stand or something."

Veronica blinked. "O … kay. Now, where is this coming from?" she queried. "I can't even believe that we're having this conversation in the first place."

"Mac and I drew straws," Wallace said half-jokingly, "and I lost, so I got to tell you."

Veronica shook her head. She wondered if this could be a dream, but quickly nixed that idea. For one thing, she would never dream about having a conversation like this with Wallace in the Hearst Dining Hall. For another, even if she were having a dream like that, she was damn sure she wouldn't dream about herself eating the daily mystery meat selection.

"Since when did you and Mac get so buddy-buddy that you could talk to each other about my sex life?" she asked.

"Well, it started back in high school when we had to spend all day together in detention," he joked.

"Let me guess," Veronica retorted, "she was the brain and you were the jock? How very '80s of you!"

"But really, Veronica," Wallace told her, his expression suddenly serious. "You need to let off some steam! It doesn't have to be some guy at a frat party or something. Just one of those college hook-ups, you know? Everybody does it. Besides, every time I'm around you lately I just get this feeling. Like I'm scared and bored at the same time."

"Forget it, Emilio. I don't need your advice in the relationship department. I'm doing just fine on my own." Seeing the look he gave her, she added reassuringly, "Really, I am. Thanks for your concern, but I don't need a one-night stand. What I need is to kick some ass and take some names. I'll be back to my usual chipper self in no time." She picked up her tray and started for the trashcan, Wallace trailing behind her. After dumping the contents of her tray, she turned around with a puzzled look on her face and asked, "By the way, how can you possibly be scared and bored at the same time?"

"You know," Wallace told her as he put his empty tray on top of the trash bin, "It's like you're intellectually unstimulated but you have this underlying anxiety."

"That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever," Veronica told him pleasantly. "But I'll take your word for it."

"You look like you need to get laid."

"God, why does everyone keep saying that to me?" Veronica asked with exasperation and not a little sarcasm as she ran her fingers through her platinum-blonde waist-length hair. She pretended like it was pretend exasperation that she felt, but really it was real exasperation, what with all the prying everyone was doing into her recently inactive sex life. Now there was something that was both scary and boring—her sex life, or lack thereof, since she and Piz broke up.

"Cuz it's true," Dick Casablancas said with a shrug as he caught up to Veronica on the pathway that cut across the Hearst quad. "You know, Ronnie," he added slinging an unwelcome arm around her shoulder, "If you ever need someone to scratch your itch, you know who to call." He clicked his tongue and winked at her.

Veronica gave a mock shudder of disgust. "Your parents must have known what they were doing when they named you," she said as she extricated herself from his muscular arm, "in more ways than one."

"I am what I am." It was a surprisingly philosophical statement, coming from him.

"Dick is as Dick does," Veronica quipped.

"Ooh, Ronnie, your cruel words wound me!" Dick exclaimed as he playfully clutched his chest with his hands before laughing off her insult. "Remember, the offer's still open, but I can't say for how long!" he told her as he turned around and headed off in order to pursue some hot, blond babe that had just caught his eye.

"That's one offer that no one should ever take," Veronica said to herself as she continued on her way to her next class.

"Veronica Mars, just the person I needed to see."

Veronica turned around at the sound of a familiar voice and plastered on an über-fake smile in response to the unpleasant sight that graced her eyes. "Well, if it isn't Paige Summers. The last time I saw you, I believe you were having a problem with some nude photos of you that somehow got posted on your myspace page. Did they ever find out who did that?" she asked with fake concern, knowing full well that they both knew it had been her revenge for the cruel things Paige had done to her back in high school.

"Ha, ha, very funny Veronica. I'm not going to get out my claws and pull out your hair or anything. The past is the past, and I am so over it. And besides, high school is so last year. Can't we just let bygones be bygones?"

For once, Veronica found herself without anything to say. "Okay, that's fine with me. I'm not too big on catfights, anyway. Except when I win," she added. "And I always do."

"Anyway, the reason I need to talk to you is because I want to hire you. You still do that detective stuff, right?" asked her former Neptune High classmate.

Veronica hesitated for a moment, and then nodded. After all, if this 09er said that she wanted to keep the past in the past then there was no reason that Veronica couldn't take her too-rich parents' money with a clear conscience. "My standard fee is $500 plus expenses. I take it you can afford that?"

"Of course. But … any work you do would be confidential, right? I mean, you're professionally obligated not to tell anyone about this … aren't you?"

Veronica raised one eyebrow. "Discretion is a requirement in this line of work, yes."

"Great." Paige seemed very relieved. "Then, could we maybe go somewhere a little more private to talk about this?"

"Sure," Veronica replied. "I know just the place."

Back in high school, Veronica had often used Neptune High's ladies' room as her "office." During her time at Hearst she had generally steered clear of such working environments, but for a conversation where privacy was of the utmost importance there was no better place on campus. After checking to make sure all the stalls were empty, Veronica scribbled "Out of Order" on a sheet of paper and taped it to the outside of the restroom door, then locked the door from the inside so that maintenance workers couldn't get in without a fight.

"Now," she said once all the precautions had been taken. "What's with all this secrecy?" She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back against the counter with the sinks and big-ass mirror.

Paige glanced around nervously, her gaze lingering momentarily on the broken tampon and sanitary napkin dispenser on the wall before she turned back to Veronica and licked her lips. "I need you to get something for me."

Veronica raised a single eyebrow, and waited for several seconds, but no further information was forthcoming from her reluctant client. Veronica decided to ask some leading questions. "Was this "thing" you need me to get for you … stolen?" she asked.

"No."

Again, after the monosyllabic response the brunette grew quiet and said no more.

"Okay then. What can you tell me about this 'thing'?" Veronica asked, her impatience growing by the second.

"Well, I don't really know anything about it. I just … need you to get it for me."

Veronica felt a sudden urge to throttle the other girl. Was this some sort of joke? Was she pretending to have a case in order to get back at Veronica for putting nude pictures of her on her myspace page? Veronica didn't have the time or the patience to be locked in some sort of never-ending revenge battle. She didn't need to have a Professor Moriarty figure out there trying to trip up every case she took on. Holding back the venomous words that lay in wait on the tip of her tongue, she decided that she needed to dispense with the formalities and get straight to the matter at hand.

"Look," she said, "If you want me to help you I need to know the specifics. If you don't tell me anything, then I have nothing to go on. I don't even know what this 'thing' is that you're talking about. If you want me to work for you, you have to tell me everything. No lies, no partial truths, no nothing. Just give it to me straight, or else I'm walking right out that door," she told the other girl firmly.

Paige sighed and placed a hand against her forehead. "That's just it," she said sorrowfully, "I don't really know what's going on!" Then she began to cry.

Veronica did not feel particularly comfortable around crying women, especially those who had once been her enemies back in high school. "Why don't you start from the beginning?" she said in the most comforting voice she could manage, which still sounded rather harsh coming from her. She was Veronica Mars, after all—she was no marshmallow. At least not when it came to people who weren't her close friends.

Paige sniffled, and Veronica finally managed to feel a shred of pity and walked into one of the stalls, picked up a spare roll of toilet paper, and handed it to the girl with the tear-streaked face.

"Thank you," Paige mumbled as she tore off a square of toilet paper and dabbed at her face. "I'll try and start from the beginning." She sucked in a shaky breath. "Sometime last year towards the end of my senior year in high school, I got pregnant." She bit her lip. "There are two guys who might be the father. One of them I hooked up with … pretty frequently. The other one I only slept with once, and that was it. We used a condom, so I'm about 99 sure that it's not him. Anyway, so the guy I think is the father refuses to have anything to do with my little girl." Paige opened up the tiny LV purse slung over her arm and dug through the contents until she pulled out her wallet. She opened it up and took out a picture of what had to be, honest-to-God, the most adorable baby Veronica had ever seen. "Her name is Daisy," she said as she handed the picture to Veronica. "She means everything to me, but her father refuses to have anything to do with her. He won't pay child support, won't visit with her. He won't even admit that he's her father, because he knows about the other guy. He's missing out on everything, her first words, her first steps. Her first birthday is coming up in a few months, and I don't want him to miss out on that too."

"Why not just order a paternity test to sort out the whole issue?" Veronica asked as she handed the picture back to Paige.

"That's just it, he refuses to take one. I could go through the court system to get it, but there is the possibility that he's not the father, and I don't want to cause a lot of publicity." Even though they were in one of the most private places on campus, Paige somehow felt the need to lower her voice for her next statement. "My dad is thinking of quitting his law practice and entering politics. If I made anything about this situation public, it would create a huge scandal that could cost him his political career before it's even started. Having an illegitimate child right out of high school is one thing, but having a legal battle in the courts to determine who the father is? That's something else."

Veronica nodded. She could understand how the situation had escalated to this point, and why discretion was so important in this case. "So what you want to do," she surmised, "is do an 'at home' paternity test through the mail. And because the father won't agree to a cheek swab, you need me to get a 'specimen' from him, is that right?"

Paige's face lit up and she nodded her head vigorously, which caused her lush blond hair to bounce up and down like a pogo stick. "Exactly!" she exclaimed. "You can do it, right? I mean, you're Veronica Mars. Everyone always says that you're the best private detective out there."

"Well, not the best …" Veronica thought of her dad. She could never win against him, but then again he was no longer a private detective anymore. He was the sheriff now. And what other competition besides her dad was there, anyway? Vinnie Van Lowe? Puh-leeze. "You're right," she said with her voice full of pride and a smug smile on her face. "I am the best!"

Her smile soon died down, however, as her thoughts began to wander. She thought of all the things she and Duncan had done to get his daughter, Faith—no, Lilly—away from her abusive grandparents. Duncan had been willing to do anything for the sake of his daughter, even if it meant leaving his home and running halfway across the globe to escape from the law. This guy, the father of Paige's baby, was the complete opposite. He wouldn't even see his daughter. It made Veronica realize just how unfair the world was. The man who wanted to be with his daughter had to break the law to do it; the one whose daughter was readily available to him had to be forced to so much as acknowledge her existence.

"Don't worry, Paige," Veronica said with renewed confidence and a determination to make this deadbeat dad know just what he was missing out on. "I'll get him. Are you sure you don't already have something of his? An old hairbrush, a piece of sweaty clothing, a … used condom? Something that might have his DNA on it?"

"No, nothing. We were never really 'dating' exactly," she said with a blush, "it was just sex. And I always went to his place since my parents are kind of strict about having boys over, so I don't have anything of his."

"Then I guess I'll just have to find something," Veronica said more to herself than to her client. "I'll need you to give me some information about him." She reached into her trusty messenger bag and pulled out a pen and notepad. "Name, age, address, phone number, whatever you can give me." She poised the pen atop the paper, prepared to begin writing.

Paige chuckled nervously, a sound that drew Veronica's eyes up to the other girl's face. Paige was very obviously making an attempt to avoid Veronica's gaze. "I don't think you'll need me to give you that much information about him," she said with a shaky voice.

"What do you mean?" Veronica asked.

"Well, you already know him."

A sneaking suspicion began to creep up on Veronica. "I do?"

"Yeah."

"His first name wouldn't happen to refer to the same body part of his that got you into this mess in the first place, would it?"

Paige's blush deepened and she nodded in the affirmative.

Veronica let out the breath she hadn't known she was holding with a great whoosh. "Dick," she said in exasperation. "Of course! It's the same organ he always thinks with. Why am I not surprised?"

A/N: Well, it looks like Dick may be a daddy! Wow. That doesn't make things look too good for his prospects with Veronica. So will Veronica ever get laid?! And exactly how will she get his 'specimen'?! If you combine those previous two questions I think you can figure out for yourself where this is going.