Shrek opened the wooden door to his muddy swamp home. Inside his smelly parlor, he saw his fantastic lover sprawled on the the dusty couch. There he was, in all his glory. His beautiful mustache, the weird mole on his face, his yellowed teeth, it was everything that Shrek loved about him. It was everything that made Hitler, Hitler. Shrek roared in adoration, and his spit flung all over the room. Hitler blushed embarrassed.

"Shrek-sempai always spoils me rotten... I should express my love for him too."

Hitler rose from his seat on the couch and caressed Shrek's cheek. There was lots of slime on it, but Hitler chose to ignore it for his pure love for Shrek. The two were just about to get busy when there was a huge thunk against the window. They both turned towards it, and found that their best friend Barry Benson had mistaken the window for the door. They rushed out to see him, but his wings were all twisted in horror. Hitler dropped to his knees and started to sob.

Shrek reached out to Barry in a show of affection. However, just when he was about to comfort his impending death, Jesus appeared.

"Get your ogre hands of my sweetie honey pot!"

Shrek recoiled his hand, and Jesus put both hands on his hips and scolded Shrek.

"That's right Shrek, Barry and I are together now, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Shrek was silent for a moment, and then started to sob openly. Hitler stopped his crying over Barry and started to cry for his relationship with Shrek, which appeared to be on the rocks.

"S-s-shrek-sempai... is this true? Does your kokoro really belong to Barry-kun?"

Shrek nodded solemnly. The three were so wrapped up in their drama that no one noticed when Barry died. He probably could've been saved, but nobody cared enough about him. Jesus simply shrugged when he noticed.

"Oh well, I guess I'll just go back to Stalin. I did always love his bushy mustache."

Jesus disappeared, leaving Shrek and Hitler to figure out their broken relationship. A sparkling tear trickled down Hitler's cheek.

"Shrek-sempai, I can't believe you actually felt this way... why would you lead me on this way?"
Shrek turned his gaze towards the ground.

"I'm sorry Hitler, I never meant to hurt you, but Barry and I have known each other for so long, and I just couldn't help myself..."

Hitler had to restrain himself from slapping Shrek for his unfaithfulness. As angry as he was, he still loved Shrek dearly, and couldn't bear to hit him. Their touching moment was ruined by a blue blur that crashed into them. Shrek and Hitler tumbled to the ground. When they looked up, they saw Sonic the Hedgehog standing over him. Sonic had a bag of burger in his hand.

"Are those from your company, Sonic , Sonic?"

Sonic removed one of the burgers from his bag and hit Shrek in the face with it.

"No, you idiot, they'e from McDonalds, my boyfriend Ron gave them to me."

Sonic offered the burgers to Hitler and Shrek, and they gratefully ate them. Sonic looked at his watch, and then had a realization.

"Sorry guys, I guess it's time to make my in-story advertisement. Wear Crocs shoes, kids! I wear them, and they make me run fast. They probably protect you from the devil or something."

Shrek couldn't help but notice how beautiful Sonic's navy spikes looked in the sunlight of his slimy swamp. Shrek turned to Hitler.

"Hitler, it's all ogre now."

Then Shrek caressed Sonic's cheek, who instantly began to blush.

"S-s-shrek, do you feel this way about me too?"

Shrek nodded. He took Sonic's hand gently and led him into his home. Hitler fell to the ground and screamed in agony.

"NOOOOOOO!"

Hitler sobbed into the ground. After some of his tears had dried up, he realized that Barry's dead body was right in front of him.

"You know, I guess the burger didn't fill me up that much..."

And so Hitler reached down and ate Barry's corpse. Then he realized that the Shrek franchise was terrible and he could do better, and that the Pokemon franchise was much more successful, so he left Shrek's slimy swamp on a quest to find his new beloved, Ash Ketchum.

THE END

Author's Note: Teddy, get out of here.