********** Mr. Beans **********
A (gassy) fanfic by Vick330 the MadScientist
***** WARNING *****
Please do not read any further if you are grossed out by, or object to the subject of flatulence (passing gas) in a fic.
For all the others, enjoy my friends, enjoy.
***** Disclaimer *****
Squaresoft owns the copyrights to Final Fantasy VIII, it's characters, and situations. I own nothing, so don't even think about suing me.
This fic is based on an old joke, that a friend told me about a year ago. It's a safe bet that some of you have already heard it, but I'm just trying to give it a FF8 twist.
And if you wish to flame me, well, there's nothing I can do about it. Just remember that what we're talking about here is highly combustible, so use caution.
***** Acknowledgement *****
Many thanks to 'Massive Invasion' for the, highly, intellectual exchanges we had on the /www.GameFAQs.com/ FF8 Social Board. They helped spawn this story.
********** ********** **********
The trench-coated man paid for the flowers, and went on his way, a spring in his step, and a lively tune on his lips. They were a gift for his beloved, fair wife. Life was good, as it had been so for a long time now.
Once, he had touched the bottom of the deepest pit of despair. Then sweet, sweet Fujin had rescued him from himself, taught him to laugh and love, and made him feel the warmth or her embrace.
They had been married for more than a year now. Seifer could not be happier, and he was a changed man, a better man, all thanks to his little Sunshine.
But all was not perfect.
You see, dear reader, Seifer Almasy had a shameful secret, something he had never told anyone, not even Fujin.
He loved beans, not just liked, LOVED them (with a capital 'L'). Just thinking about the delicious taste of baked beans made his mouth water, and his stomach growl.
Unfortunately, his passion invariably had rather explosive effects. This had made him lose Rinoa, long ago (now you know what happened during that summer).
He had abstained from consuming his favorite meal, ever since he had started dating Fujin. After they were married, he didn't even sneak out to satiate his hunger, lest it jeopardize their relationship. It was a high price to pay, but well worth it. He could live without the beans, but never without his lovely, cherished wife.
All went well, until the fateful day of his 23rd birthday. (Did you really expect that nothing would happen?)
Headmaster Cid let Seifer go home early, to reward him for his exemplary work, and allow him to properly celebrate the occasion. Since Fujin had the car, our friend decided to walk to their cozy house in Balamb.
As he was on his way out, he passed in front of Garden's cafeteria. That day the special was...any guesses?
The tantalizing aroma of fresh, juicy, perfectly baked beans suddenly overwhelmed him. He went to the counter, and ordered a huge serving of a particularly delicious, and copious dish.
When he was done, he hungered for more, so he went to get some again.
And again...
And again...
And one more time...
And a last one for the road...
Several hours later, he was taking a circuitous route to his home, in the hopes of getting rid of his gluttony's side effects.
And thus he left a trail of dead bugs, small birds, and assorted flora in his wake, as the beans waged war to his innards.
Much later, he arrived at his doorstep, and let out, what he hoped, was the last of the consequences of his weakness. He would have to think of a good explanation, to give Fujin, for the flowers in the windows had lost all their petals and leaves.
The minute he stepped through the door, his lovely wife fussed over him, and then put a blindfold over his eyes, happily saying, "HAPPY BIRTH-DAAAAAAY!"
"What's this?" he inquired, in an amused tone.
"SURPRISE FOR YOU!" she replied joyfully, and led him to the, ample, dining room. "SIT, NO PEEKING," she announced, as she lowered him on one of the chairs, at the head of the table.
Suddenly, their pet Moomba jumped out the window. "FUZZY" exclaimed Fujin, and then said to Seifer, "STAY HERE, NO PEEKING, K?"
"Sure, baby, I promise." replied our blindfolded friend. The instant his wife had stepped outside, calling for her pet, Seifer's digestive system started begging for gaseous release. He tentatively lifted a cheek, and the ensuing blast killed all the flies in the room.
Another buildup was on its way; fortunately the dining room set (a wedding gift from President Laguna) was solid Esthar Oak. The poor guy was lifted four inches from his seat by the detonation, the table's centerpiece's flowers withered, and the whole house shook. He flapped his arms energetically, in an attempt to disperse the fumes.
But it didn't stop there. The next one was as smelly as the exhaust of a X-ATM092, in urgent need of a tune-up, revving, and much louder. The shockwave was felt all over town, and even as far as the Fire-Cavern. He felt for the napkin that he knew was in front of him, and fanned the air with vigor.
Seifer felt the Mother of them all coming; trying to bottle it up was an exercise in futility. As it came out, with thunderous force, several windowpanes blew out (another thing to explain to Fujin). The wallpaper rolled down to the floor, the grass on the lawn turned yellow, and cracks appeared on the ceiling.
He was still fanning himself with the napkin, when the front door opened, announcing Fujin's return. Blissfully, the beans' ill effects seemed to have finally subsided.
Fuzzy stubbornly refused to enter the house, so the young woman tied it up on the front porch, and stepped inside. She was so filled by happiness, at the surprise she had prepared for her man, that she failed to notice the changes around her.
"I'M BA-ACK!" she said cheerfully, "YOU DID NOT PEEK NOW, DID YOU?"
"No, baby, I did not." Answered an angelic looking Seifer.
She lifted the blindfold, at the same time yelling, "SURPRISE!"
Seated around the table, was the whole cast of Final Fantasy VIII, plus Cloud, Tifa, and Barret from FF VII.
Those that were not unconscious were staring at the blond guy wide-eyed.
Fujin is still trying to figure out what happened.
And Seifer never touched a dish of beans, ever again.
***** THE END *****
Author's note: I humbly apologize for this story, but it just had to come out...
A (gassy) fanfic by Vick330 the MadScientist
***** WARNING *****
Please do not read any further if you are grossed out by, or object to the subject of flatulence (passing gas) in a fic.
For all the others, enjoy my friends, enjoy.
***** Disclaimer *****
Squaresoft owns the copyrights to Final Fantasy VIII, it's characters, and situations. I own nothing, so don't even think about suing me.
This fic is based on an old joke, that a friend told me about a year ago. It's a safe bet that some of you have already heard it, but I'm just trying to give it a FF8 twist.
And if you wish to flame me, well, there's nothing I can do about it. Just remember that what we're talking about here is highly combustible, so use caution.
***** Acknowledgement *****
Many thanks to 'Massive Invasion' for the, highly, intellectual exchanges we had on the /www.GameFAQs.com/ FF8 Social Board. They helped spawn this story.
********** ********** **********
The trench-coated man paid for the flowers, and went on his way, a spring in his step, and a lively tune on his lips. They were a gift for his beloved, fair wife. Life was good, as it had been so for a long time now.
Once, he had touched the bottom of the deepest pit of despair. Then sweet, sweet Fujin had rescued him from himself, taught him to laugh and love, and made him feel the warmth or her embrace.
They had been married for more than a year now. Seifer could not be happier, and he was a changed man, a better man, all thanks to his little Sunshine.
But all was not perfect.
You see, dear reader, Seifer Almasy had a shameful secret, something he had never told anyone, not even Fujin.
He loved beans, not just liked, LOVED them (with a capital 'L'). Just thinking about the delicious taste of baked beans made his mouth water, and his stomach growl.
Unfortunately, his passion invariably had rather explosive effects. This had made him lose Rinoa, long ago (now you know what happened during that summer).
He had abstained from consuming his favorite meal, ever since he had started dating Fujin. After they were married, he didn't even sneak out to satiate his hunger, lest it jeopardize their relationship. It was a high price to pay, but well worth it. He could live without the beans, but never without his lovely, cherished wife.
All went well, until the fateful day of his 23rd birthday. (Did you really expect that nothing would happen?)
Headmaster Cid let Seifer go home early, to reward him for his exemplary work, and allow him to properly celebrate the occasion. Since Fujin had the car, our friend decided to walk to their cozy house in Balamb.
As he was on his way out, he passed in front of Garden's cafeteria. That day the special was...any guesses?
The tantalizing aroma of fresh, juicy, perfectly baked beans suddenly overwhelmed him. He went to the counter, and ordered a huge serving of a particularly delicious, and copious dish.
When he was done, he hungered for more, so he went to get some again.
And again...
And again...
And one more time...
And a last one for the road...
Several hours later, he was taking a circuitous route to his home, in the hopes of getting rid of his gluttony's side effects.
And thus he left a trail of dead bugs, small birds, and assorted flora in his wake, as the beans waged war to his innards.
Much later, he arrived at his doorstep, and let out, what he hoped, was the last of the consequences of his weakness. He would have to think of a good explanation, to give Fujin, for the flowers in the windows had lost all their petals and leaves.
The minute he stepped through the door, his lovely wife fussed over him, and then put a blindfold over his eyes, happily saying, "HAPPY BIRTH-DAAAAAAY!"
"What's this?" he inquired, in an amused tone.
"SURPRISE FOR YOU!" she replied joyfully, and led him to the, ample, dining room. "SIT, NO PEEKING," she announced, as she lowered him on one of the chairs, at the head of the table.
Suddenly, their pet Moomba jumped out the window. "FUZZY" exclaimed Fujin, and then said to Seifer, "STAY HERE, NO PEEKING, K?"
"Sure, baby, I promise." replied our blindfolded friend. The instant his wife had stepped outside, calling for her pet, Seifer's digestive system started begging for gaseous release. He tentatively lifted a cheek, and the ensuing blast killed all the flies in the room.
Another buildup was on its way; fortunately the dining room set (a wedding gift from President Laguna) was solid Esthar Oak. The poor guy was lifted four inches from his seat by the detonation, the table's centerpiece's flowers withered, and the whole house shook. He flapped his arms energetically, in an attempt to disperse the fumes.
But it didn't stop there. The next one was as smelly as the exhaust of a X-ATM092, in urgent need of a tune-up, revving, and much louder. The shockwave was felt all over town, and even as far as the Fire-Cavern. He felt for the napkin that he knew was in front of him, and fanned the air with vigor.
Seifer felt the Mother of them all coming; trying to bottle it up was an exercise in futility. As it came out, with thunderous force, several windowpanes blew out (another thing to explain to Fujin). The wallpaper rolled down to the floor, the grass on the lawn turned yellow, and cracks appeared on the ceiling.
He was still fanning himself with the napkin, when the front door opened, announcing Fujin's return. Blissfully, the beans' ill effects seemed to have finally subsided.
Fuzzy stubbornly refused to enter the house, so the young woman tied it up on the front porch, and stepped inside. She was so filled by happiness, at the surprise she had prepared for her man, that she failed to notice the changes around her.
"I'M BA-ACK!" she said cheerfully, "YOU DID NOT PEEK NOW, DID YOU?"
"No, baby, I did not." Answered an angelic looking Seifer.
She lifted the blindfold, at the same time yelling, "SURPRISE!"
Seated around the table, was the whole cast of Final Fantasy VIII, plus Cloud, Tifa, and Barret from FF VII.
Those that were not unconscious were staring at the blond guy wide-eyed.
Fujin is still trying to figure out what happened.
And Seifer never touched a dish of beans, ever again.
***** THE END *****
Author's note: I humbly apologize for this story, but it just had to come out...