Disclaimer: I honestly think that if I owned One Piece, it wouldn't be half as funny or have nearly as many episodes/chapters as it does now. Oda-sensei, you're a great man. I'm much too lazy to work on my original fiction let alone own the rights to this one!
Summary: Nami makes a startling announcement at dinner and Luffy needs Robin's help with a certain 'game'. Somehow these things manage to bite our favorite swordsman in the butt. Poor Zoro. ZoLu.
Warning: This contains yaoi, shounen-ai, boys love, whatever you wanna call it. Don't complain to me 'cause you were too stupid to overlook this particular section.
Without further delay, please enjoy this story littered with my dry attempts at humor. I didn't proofread, to be honest. If anyone finds any mistakes, feel free to point them out and I will most likely go back and change them. I sure hope there aren't many…
The Most Mortifying Night of Zoro's Life
"Oh my God, Zoro, you're totally in love with Luffy!"
The green-haired swordsman immediately spat out his drink across the dinner table and all over poor Usopp. The marksman shivered in disgust.
"What the hell are you talking about, woman?" the future greatest swordsman show back.
He was promptly kicked in the head by Sanji.
"Oi, Marimo, don't you dare talk to Nami-swan that way," the blonde muttered dangerously. Zoro brushed him off and turned back towards the beli-driven navigator. This was far more important than that damned ero-cook.
"My eyes!!" Usopp screamed, his optical orbs burning from the carbonic acid spat into them. No one paid him any mind (aside from a certain reindeer of course).
"Someone call a doctor!!"
Nami sat next to Zoro with an innocent, yet somehow knowing, smile on her face. The swordsman scowled at her and opened his mouth to speak. She beat him to it.
"Don't try to hide it, Zoro. Just go ahead and admit that you're madly in love with Luffy, and we call this a night." Her smile was gentle and diabolical at the same time.
Zoro was at a loss for words. Where the hell had that conversation even come from in the first place? All he remembered was quietly enjoying his dinner and listening the stories (coughliescough) Usopp told Chopper about the time he saved the entire population from a giant squid at the tender age of 3. The doctor was naturally amazed. Then Sanji started spewing some crap about how the sight of Nami's gorgeous eyes caused his heart to race with the intensity of a thousand suns.
Now said woman was claiming to know of his love for his beautiful simple captain. Where was the little food vacuum anyway? And Robin for that matter. Zoro honestly could not recall seeing them since dinner had begun.
Oh no! This meant something must've been terribly with his fearless captain! He had to rush to his side. What if he was sick? A childish voice suddenly cut through the green-haired man's thoughts.
"Zoro, guess what? I figured out how to use those rubber things you asked me to take from Chopper!"
"What?!" the reindeer gasped. Usopp had given up trying to earn any sympathy by this point.
"They were really confusing at first, but I saw Robin reading on the deck and asked her to show me how!"
Zoro blanched, Nami smirked, Sanji choked, Usopp whined in pain, and Chopper stared in confusion.
"Yes," Robin chuckled after him. "Captain-san was really interested for some reason. Something about a 'game' with Swordsman-san."
The remaining crew, aside from Nami, glanced at the man with wide eyes.
The room was silent. Zoro could feel their stares cutting into him like a knife. Damn Luffy and his adorably childish curiosity. Damn Robin and her closet perverted behavior. Damn the ero-cook for being… himself. Most importantly of all, damn Nami for grinning like that!
"Luffy… what have you done?" Zoro questioned.
"But you were the one who said we should wait at least a month before playing 'the game'!" Luffy whined in response.
"Ha! That's 500 more beli you owe me, Usopp!" Nami announced triumphantly.
"Why is it always me?" whined the sharpshooter.
"What kinda game are they gonna play?" Chopper asked innocently. "Can I play too?"
Sanji's eyes bulged. "That would be so wrong," he stated blankly. "This entire thing is oh so wrong. Geez, I knew you were into some freaky shit, Marimo, but this?!"
"Put a sock in it, Love Cook!" Zoro spat.
"And to think, all of this could've been avoided," Nami muttered, her hair swaying from side to side. "All you had to do was answer the question. Now it's turned into some big mess."
Zoro could not shake the feeling that the cunning navigator had indeed planned this entire mishap.
"Zoro!" whined Luffy.
"Zoro!" Chopper begged.
"Marimo!" grumbled Sanji.
"Zoro!" Nami sang.
"Swordsman-san!" chirped Robin, just for the fun of it.
"I'm going to bed," Usopp yawned. He bumped his knee on the table while attempting to stand. "Ow, darn it!" the long-nosed man hissed.
The room began to spin and Zoro felt the undeniable urge to rip out his own hair. This whole thing made not one bit of sense, yet here he was at the dinner table watching this entire scene unfold right before his eyes.
He hated his life right now.
And just like that, he woke up. In the crow's nest. With Luffy snuggled next to him under a blanket.
"Phew, it was just a dream," Zoro muttered to himself. "Wait, why is Luffy…?"
"Yay, Zoro's awake!" the Straw Hat captain cheered, wrapping his arms around his first mate's neck.
"Luffy, why are you up here?" he asked, dumbfounded.
"Huh?" the teen giggled, tilting his head to the said. "Oh, right. You passed out at dinner earlier and it was your turn to be on lookout tonight. The others told me to bring you up here to not come down until we used all of these things."
Zoro grunted, letting his words sink in. "What things are you are talking about?" The small boy beside him obviously held nothing in his hands.
"These rubber packs, of course!" Luffy grinned widely. He removed the blanket covering them and shoved the packet of condoms in the swordsman's face.
Zoro instantly turned the color of Luffy's vest. Strange, he wasn't wearing it tonight.
"The other's don't think we'll use 'em all before the sun comes up, but we'll show them, won't we?" Luffy stated proudly. "Look, I already to the time to get ready!"
Upon closer inspection, Zoro was able to confirm Luffy's statement. There he was sitting right beside him. Naked.
"C'mon, we only got a few more hours left!" the rubber boy warned.
Once more, the green-haired man passed out. This time from massive blood loss.
Owari X3
God, I suck at picking titles… But wow… that felt good. I haven't done anything like that I a looooong time. Forgive me if this seemed totally random, but I just couldn't help myself. This was my first ZoLu and I had a great deal of fun doing this. Strangely enough, I usually spend rainy days reading yaoi instead of writing it. I'm tempted to do more if enough people like this one. Or if I simply get the urge. Only time will tell…
Usopp: How could you do all that horrible stuff to me?!
Ice: Sorry, you're just really easy to mess with. No hard feelings? -extends hand-
Usopp: I believe my 8,000 followers will have something to say about this.
Ice: Well, I'll have you know that my followers have numbers over 9,000!!
Usopp: No… just no…
Ice: -nervous chuckle- Review pwease?