A Jaw Dropping Revelation, by Dickfart
"One cozy afternoon Harry and his wife Hermione could be found having sex over the ashes of the once living terror that is He-Who-Shall-Not-Be..."
"Really? Are you really going to do this, mate?" said zombie Fred, eating gizzards and human brains. Hey, zombies have the right to eat a well-balanced diet for their picky digestive systems just like everything else.
"Oh, all right. Voldemort then," said vampire George, who became immortal to help his undead brother stay animated. Ever since the war, all of the Weasley's have taken an anti-mortality political stance against the laws of growth and decay. Thus, all living Weasleys were vampires, and all dead ones were zombies. Fred reckoned he was still the hottest Weasley.
"So anyway," said Fred. "Harry and Hermione were having a go on Voldy's remains, when the noseless bastard himself rose from the ashes as a ghost!"
"Boo!" said George. "I mean that in a your-mother-smells kind of way, not a culturally insensitive kind of way."
"I know what you meant, brother. Ghosts are so overrated. Zombies, or fuck right off, you twats!"
"I couldn't agree more, old chap."
"Yes," Fred rose his rotted pinky as he had a wee sip of organic, low fat, sugar free, GMO-free, gluten free, dairy free, nut free, yeast free bone marrow out of mum's fine china. "So as you can imagine, Moldy Old Voldy had his knickers in a twist, and tells Harry, "you've fuhking won, you incorrigible fopdoodle! Why must you rub it in?"
""I'm not rubbing it in," said Harry, then he smirked. "Hermione's rubbing it out, however.""
""Preposterous, inconceivable, sod-wafflery! Why, if I had a body I would kill you both this instant!"
""But you don't," said Harry. "Because you are a fooking terrible villain.""
"Voldemort might be the dark lord," said George, sucking the blood of voles very quietly. His mum insisted that, just because they were vampires, doesn't mean they shouldn't mind their manners.
"But Harry Potter is the DANK lord!" Fred belted, causing his jaw to fall off.
"Oh bother. I'll get the adhesive," said George, super gluing Fred's jaw back in place. Once the glue had dried, Fred continued with his story.
"Where was I? Oh yes. "Hunny? Would you like to tell this pitiful, noseless ghoul why he lost? You understand the science and politics behind it better than I.""
""Certainly, dear. I would be honored," said Hermione, clearing her throat pretentiously.
"And then this fucking tsunami of political discourse comes out of her," said Fred. He did the best girl voice he could, but his throat was as rotted as the rest of him.
Her discourse went something like this:
"Voldemort, I'll start off with what you did right. You pandered to conservative right-wing affiliated families primarily. They're the easiest folks to manipulate because they have the most to lose. Humans, both muggle and magical alike, are slow to evolve, and thus are hard-wired to despise any threat to their freedom, beliefs, values, or material belongings.
"You told those right-wing trolls what they wanted to hear, that is, that you value pure blood wizards, and touted them as "the one true race of the wizarding world." One might think our modern society is post-racism, and if they do then they are sorely mistaken.
"Don't pat yourself on the back too hard, because that's all you did right, and that was only the easy part. Now it's time to discuss what you did wrong. Sure, you recruited the lot of right-wing fanatics and a few cowards from all camps pandering to the right-wing terrorist group called Death Eaters in an attempt to save their pathetic souls. It was not enough, though. The cogs in your little war machine were too few and not used effectively. Not to mention it was MUCH too soon for you to openly terrorize the public and even foolishly annihilate high profile wizards like James Potter and Lily Evans. In murdering James Potter, you lost the public's favor, especially those who were undecided before. In murdering Lily Evans, you burned the bridge between you and your best double agent, Severus Snape. And guess who used Snape against you? That's right, Dumbledore!
"Don't interrupt me. I'm just getting into what you could have done right. You should have had covert operations with the ones you call muggles and mudbloods, because they're far more experienced in manipulating and controlling entire civilizations. You could have benefitted from their knowledge. For example, if you laundered enough muggle currency, such as euros, British pounds, and even United States dollars, you could have had a massive army of spam bots and Internet trolls posting fake news articles singing your praises. In your case, all you would need a wizarding printing press, billions of owls, and people willing to fling childish insults back and forth in a public forum of some sort.
"But you would need staff to send out the misinformation, and organize and advertise those forums under the guise of Democracy. You could recruit individuals who are down on their luck, or have no empathy toward society as a whole, and have them write fake news articles praising you, passively insulting those opposed (I believe "snowflake" is popular muggle slander, silly as it sounds) and MOST IMPORTANTLY, burying any of your crimes and writing them off as conspiracy theories, or liberal lies. Or telling half-truths. Something to the tune of, "the family of the murdered youth has no evidence of Death Eater involvement, contrary to left-wing news spreading not quite truths about photographed bodies and forensic footprints.""
"Respectfully, it makes me sick that any of us ever feared you, because your mistakes and oversights are beyond comprehension. Spreading false news would have worked, at least better than your steaming shitpot of an attempt, because everyone knows that liberals DO lie, so it would add credibility to this false press. Every wizard in Scotland, Northern Ireland, England, and Wales would be bombarded by propaganda parading itself as "news," and they would fall for it, and that's where you would have gotten a massive army of Death Eaters. Massive enough to take over the United Kingdom at least.
"And regular citizens, though well aware that they're being sodded outright by the powers that be, would refuse to believe a word of what I just said, because it would be too damaging to their delicate egos to admit that they've been hypnotized by propaganda. It worked for Adolf Hitler, for a little while anyway, and you missed your chance to improve upon it. So you get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir!"
Fred meant to cite Oscar Wilde, by which he'd actually meant to say Gene Wilder, but the name just wasn't coming to him. But he didn't, because his jaw came unhinged once more and clattered on mum's finest dish.
"One could call Hermione's speech a... jaw dropping revelation? Eh?" said George, elbowing Fred.
"iuugghhu!" is what came out of Fred's rotted throat. It meant "eff you!" in Zombie.
"But seriously. That's not news. That mad old git Donald Trump has been doing that in America for ages. Always was a country of impressionable, gullible fools, that one."
They had a laugh at that, and warm, fuzzy feelings were abound, because neither of them realized that if climate change killed all life forms then they wouldn't have enough their required food source, mammalian blood, guts, and marrow, to go around. But who cares, because they didn't have to cook their kidney pies anymore, and not having to wait for dinner is all that matters in Modern Western Society. God bless the United Kingdom, the United States of America, and all humans. Except the French.
The End