The Highway Man
It was a cold day on Planet Frieza, but it was nothing compared to how strange this story about to be told is. In the throne room Frieza was slouching on his father's chair drunk with chicken bones in his hand.
"Send in Zarbon that sexy muscular looking freak! Oh, Zarbon!" He yelled.
Zarbon was summoned and he came. He grew a thin mustache, which made him look super dashing. "Frieza!" he said bowing.
"Zarbon your timing couldn't have been more perfect! You've grown more handsome every day. You're not a fat little kid like you used to be!" Frieza said.
"Yah I figured that, so what's the problem?" Zarbon asked.
"I want you to show off those sexy huge muscles of yours you sexy retarded freak!" Frieza yelled drinking and then belching, and believe me, the more Frieza drank, especially for a little guy like him, the more drunk he got.
Zarbon looked disgusted with how rude Frieza was being, "Perhaps it's a bad time to talk?" Zarbon asked.
"You need to belly dance for me then! Come on, don't be shy," Frieza said winking.
"Now Frieza, you know I can't dance, I don't want to say this, but between you and me, I have two left feet and I look awkward when I dance, especially when I try to do the fox trot with smaller women," Zarbon said.
"Did you just grow a mustache, you look different!" Frieza yelled.
"Are you drunk?"
"Do I look drunk to you?" Frieza yelled.
"Can I say something? Look I'm tired of these killing sprees, and some of my men are sick of it too! They say that they make no logical sense. I would rather pose for nude magazines in town." Zarbon said.
"Is that why you grew that mustache? You big weasel! Would you rather be a prostitute?" Frieza said laughing and snorting as he laughed.
Zarbon then said, "Of course not,"
"What the hell is wrong with killing? I've been doing it since I was small, and have felt no pity what-so-ever!" Frieza said.
"The job gets kind of depressing sometimes sir…" Zarbon said.
"So you had the guts to somehow tell me this! Go on some more killing sprees now!" Frieza yelled.
"No I won't! I won't let you take advantage of me anymore! Never again!" Zarbon said crossing his arms. Oh sure Zarbon was the perfect killing machine, and managed to learn how to fake being happy about it, however, this wasn't going over too well with Frieza.
"Are you having one of your famous mood swings again?" Frieza asked. After all, Zarbon was prone to mood swings, which is why he was incorrectly diagnosed as being manic-depressive. Some say it was because he was a stereotypical cancer male, the sign of the crab of course. Usually during moon phases cancers had the tendency to go a little crazy and I guess this was one of those periods.
"Maybe I am stupid! That's right I think your stupid and the fact that you have to kill people to make them fear you is just stupid in itself!" Zarbon yelled.
"Zarbon, do you release how contradictive your statement that you made was?" Frieza said laughing and snorting as he laughed more.
"Teenagers like you make me so sick! If you don't on a killing spree right now, then I'll kill you! It won't be any more grounding for you!" Frieza yelled.
"You hardly ground me at all, you hardly checked my grades, or checked on me when I was in military school! You aren't a good adoptive father Frieza; you are a monster from hell!" Zarbon yelled.
"No excuse! Now join me for a drink! And I want you to get super drunk too!" Frieza yelled.
So it happened, Zarbon caved into Frieza's unreasonable pressure and got wasted!
"I never knew I could bond with an evil tyrant like you! I hate you! I totally hate you! You are like the worst adoptive father ever, and yet it's so funny that such a small creature like you, are so full of hatred and debauchery!" Zarbon said laughing.
"I hate you too, even though I find you attractive! Other than that, you are such a crybaby and so prissy that it makes me pissed each time I hear complaints from my other men that you are so stuck on yourself and you are way too sensitive!" Frieza said falling off his father's chair and onto the floor laughing wildly.
"This is so fun, confessing things that we're not supposed to confess!" Zarbon said, and then he hiccupped.
"I cannot believe I had five bottles of Irish coffee, I'm a pretty big man, I thought I couldn't get drunk on five bottles. What the fuck is in this stuff anyways?" Zarbon got up and then fell down since he was so wasted.
Cooler, Frieza's taller more attractive older brother came into the throne room, "Frieza, you're drunk again? Zarbon you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"He made me drink!" Zarbon said.
"You could have said no! And Frieza, it's not fair, how come you're allowed to get away with getting drunk and I get yelled at for it?"
"Because you are older and are expected to behave better, I am so not jealous of you!" Frieza said laughing.
"And you thought I was a whiner?" Zarbon asked.
Cooler then got to the bottom of why he came, "It's my cousin's birthday, she's coming here I want you to be on your best behavior, I want you to straighten up, you too Frieza! You two embarrassed the shit out of me already!" Cooler yelled.
"You're not talking about my ex fiancé that Frieza tried to marry me off to just to play a mean joke on us are you? The one with Tourette syndrome?" Zarbon asked.
"Yes that one!" Cooler said.
"I haven't seen her over four years now, tell her I'll fart on her the next time I see her!" Zarbon said.
"Don't screw this up Zarbon, I despise you enough already since you get to get the empire when Frieza dies leaving me forth in line!" Cooler said.
"Third actually…" Zarbon said.
"Shut up peasant!" Cooler yelled to Zarbon.
"How dare you call me a peasant, go fuck yourself!" Zarbon said.
"Yah, go fuck yourself Cooler!" Frieza yelled while on the floor.
All the sudden Icey, the cousin of Frieza and Cooler entered, she had a purple tang top on, shorts, long purple hair, short, had a gold hearts on her necklace. She wore long dangling earrings with gold bracelets on. She stood there with her tail thumping on the ground.
Frieza looked at her, and he whistled, he was usually so mean to her and tried to humiliate her as much as possible, but hell she looked so beautiful that he thought of maybe taking her as a bride, or at least a good fuck despite the fact that she was his cousin.
"You cannot possibly be Icey! The last time I saw you, you were kind of gawky-looking, now I just want to fuck you, right here and right now!" Frieza yelled.
Cooler turned a bright red, he had never heard this coming out of Frieza's mouth until now, "How dare you talk to her that way! I can't believe that father gave you the universe Frieza! Look at you, drunk and you call yourself the lord of the universe! That's the saddest thing I've ever seen, I make a better ruler then you!" Cooler said.
Zarbon, who was not paying too close attention, saw her too. He had forgotten that this was his adoptive second cousin, since he was legally adopted by Frieza. He growled lustfully and stood up and went over to her, "Well, well who's this beautiful woman?" He asked.
He walked over to her, but then stumbled, in which she found hilarious for some reason, he grabbed her hand kind of startling her, and kissed it, since he was drunk and in one of his mood swings, he didn't behave properly. "Enchante." He said.
"Remember me? How old are you, ten, twelve? Oh look I'm hitting on a twelve year old Frieza!" Zarbon said laughing.
Icey smiled rather slyly, "Yes I remember you, I believe you almost married me once."
"Aren't you the one with Tourette?" Zarbon asked.
"Are you a dumbass? Yes I do have it mother fucker!" Icey yelled. She then started crying.
"No don't cry! Please I was just checking to see if it was you!" Zarbon said regretting asking the question.
Cooler put his arm around Icey and allowed her to bury her head into his chest, "Don't cry Icey, Zarbon you should be ashamed of yourself!" Cooler yelled.
"Well she embarrassed me in the restraint when we were forced to go on that date and woke the whole neighborhood up!" Zarbon said.
Zarbon looked over at Frieza, who was asleep, "Next time Icey keep it at a low volume you'll wake Frieza up."
"She can't help it Zarbon, excuse me but weren't you just diagnoses with bipolar disorder?" Cooler asked.
"It was, but I am convinced to this day that is was an incorrect diagnosis. In all honesty how could you not go crazy living in this dump?" Zarbon said.
"Zarbon, is that anyway to treat the people that adopted you into this family?" Cooler asked.
"You used to be nice, but you're a complete jerk!" Icey yelled.
"At least I'm not a womanizer like your boyfriend!" Zarbon said laughing.
"We're no longer boyfriend and girlfriend." Icey said.
"So you finally dumped him?" Zarbon aside.
"No Constantine and I are happily engaged, he quite his womanizing ways, for now!" Icey said.
Zarbon took some pity on the poor girl, she was a teenager engaged to some fifty year old, which was young in Icejin Changeling years, but Constantine was the most stern and ruthless general of Frieza. His ruthlessness rubbed Zarbon the wrong way, he wasn't overly violent like Dodoria or Shasha, but he sure always said yes right away when a vote came up among the other generals of whether or not to annihilate another species of aliens.
Yes while Zarbon have the tendency to be a hard-ass, he was also the guiltiest of all the generals of trying to give these aliens a second chance to prove that they could be useful to the Frieza regime. Zarbon always looked for the potential in other species for sure, and a lot of time he found potential, but then got outvoted by Frieza's other generals who wouldn't even do research on these other species.
Zarbon was of course the most intelligent generals among Frieza's generals. The other generals laughed at how narcissistic Zarbon was, while he secretly hated the others for not even taking his opinions seriously. Oh well, that's life what can be said any further?
"Boy do I feel sorry for you; you're engaged to that arrogant bastard!" Zarbon said.
Icey then kicked Zarbon in the balls, and he wasn't even wearing armor to protect them. "How dare you talk about my handsome Constantine that way!" She yelled.
"All right already! Don't try to kill my generation off! You know you still want me!" Zarbon said manically drunk.
"I'd rather sleep with a duck!" Icey said.
"What's so spectacular about Constantine? He's boring, he has a temper, he sleeps with other women, and he has no sense of humor!" Zarbon said.
"You don't have a sense of humor either and you are boring too, and when you have your mood swings you sometimes go from happy to pissed off over the stupidest things!" Icey said.
"She's right about that," Zarbon said.
"Well at least he's mature, and way older then you are, and more handsome then you!" Icey said.
"I guess there isn't anything wrong with marrying your own kind," Zarbon said.
"But I will make a wager with you, I beat I can seduce you and outsmart your arrogant bastard of a fiancé! If I win, I get one hundred chillings, if you win, you can stay with Constantine until the day you die." Zarbon said not thinking too clearly about what he just said.
"Let me think about it. You're on!" The two shook hands.
Zarbon went to a costume store to buy a Zorro like outfit, with a black cape, hat, and an eye mask. Now you are probably wondering why he wanted to buy a stupid costume. Who the hell knows? He was probably so desperate to seduce her that he took it upon himself to watch some stupid Zorro movie from earth.
Besides, the man had little to no game with the ladies anyways, and he never went out of his way to seduce a woman in his lifetime. He was truly convinced that if his looks didn't do the trick, then dressing up as some mysterious dark stranger was the key, like in those stupid romance poems he read in homeschool.
Zarbon ran to the stables and took one of Cooler's black, elegant Stallions. "Thank god those horse riding lessons paid off." Zarbon said.
Zarbon put on his costume in his room, and looked at himself in the mirror, "Not as seductive looking as I want it to be, but it will do! Ew, it looks so old school." He said.
Zarbon rode that riding on the horse at night, and then went to Icey's balcony with the horse. He threw a rock onto her window, "Icey! Icey are you there?" he asked in a loud whisper.
Then he threw another stone into the window, and it went breaking the glass, "Shit, I guess I don't know my own strength," he thought.
"What is that racket?" Icey yelled. She came running onto the balcony in a nightgown and curlers in her hair and looked down at Zarbon, but stupidly didn't know it was him.
"Who are you?" Icey asked.
"Come on Zarbon you can do this," He thought to himself.
"I'm a highway man! Give me your heart or else I'll, oh crap I'm terrible at this!" He said.
"What?" She asked.
"I mean hop on my horse woman, let me take you out into the night!" Zarbon said.
"Ok!" Icey said climbing over the railing.
"Oh boy here we go again." Zarbon said knowing how clumsy she was.
Icey jumped over the railing, but missed the horse and fell to the ground, "My dear are you all right?" Zarbon asked.
"I'm ok!" she yelled and then hopped onto the horse and they rode off into the night.
They were at a lake in the jungle looking at the beautiful moon and the palm trees that were surrounding it.
"Oh highway man, what is your name? Please tell me, I'm overcome by your charm!" Icey said.
"For the last time Miss I can't tell you, just call me the Masked Bandit." Zarbon said not believing how stupid this girl really was.
"Ok mysterious hunk, you stole my heart, now kiss my lips!" She said.
"Ok, very well then!" Zarbon said regretfully making out with her, ew, she was like his adoptive second cousin, but since they weren't blood relatives, I guess it was ok?
"Oh I can't resist you, take me to bed with you!" She said.
Kissing this girl was one thing, but there was no way in hell that sex was going to happen between these two, Zarbon would not have it. "Sorry I have to take you home right now!" Zarbon said as they rode home.
Back below the balcony, she got off the horse and then he kissed her hand, "I'm having a birthday party tomorrow evening at 6:00 sharp, come to it."
"I shall come, before I forget, here is a rose as red as…as wine, I take my leave now, I'll see you tomorrow." Zarbon said giving her the rose.
Icey climbed back onto her balcony and fell to the floor when she got back up to her room; she waved and said at a hideous volume, "GOOD NIGHT!"
"Keep it down!" Zarbon said blowing her a kiss and riding back home.
The next day Zarbon was in his room getting ready for the party, he's put his hair in a braid, and got a long string of small pears and strung it in his braids. He puts his party cloths on, which is a red military looking uniform with a red cape attached to the back. Some of the men were wearing just about the same thing.
He then put dangly diamond earrings in and his diamond forehead crown on. He stared into the mirror, looked handsome and elegant enough I suppose. He then smiled, grabbed his cape flipped it in front of him and threw it behind him. There was a knock on the door.
Frieza opened the sliding door, "Zarbon quit staring at yourself and come to the ballroom, you're expected now hurry up!"
"Ok, ok God!" Zarbon said annoyed.
Evening had fallen and it was dark outside, Cooler's horse that Zarbon stole, was waiting outside standing by a suitcase.
In the ballroom, everyone was talking and having a good time, except for Zarbon, he's was bored. He was talking to a group of beautiful, elegant, charmingly dressed women. They were just so crazy about him, and at the same time they gossiped with one another about various things that Zarbon had no interest in.
Sheva said, "So Zarbon, tell me about the one time you saved Shasha from the serpent!"
Zarbon took a sip of wine, "Well it's like I said, I was twelve at the time, and I distracted those serpents with a stupid short story of mine, and we got away." Zarbon chuckled kind of evilly hoping to keep the ladies distracted by how bored he was.
"Oh Zarbon God you're so handsome!" Asia said.
"Thank you dear, I know I am." Zarbon said, and then he saw Cooler and Constantine heading towards him.
Zarbon thought "Oh shit its Cooler and that arrogant Constantine, oh how I despise Constantine." He sipped his wine some more.
"Hello Zarbon enjoying your evening?" Cooler asked.
"It's rather boring if you ask me." Zarbon said.
He then saw his psycho ex-girlfriend, Liya looking more elegant than usual.
"On second thought yes sir very much indeed!" Zarbon said.
"Good keep up the good work Zarbon, don't screw it up!" Cooler said.
"Yah Zarbon, especially think you're going to charm all those ladies here," Constantine said he and Cooler laughed and walked away,
"What a hopeless glamor-puss romantic," Cooler said.
"Yah Zarbon." Zarbon said mocking Constantine. He took another sip of wine, and then the music started playing in the background. Some people were out on the floor dancing.
Liya walked up to Zarbon, "May I have this dance?" she asked batting her rather long eyelashes.
"Liya I have a confession to make, I don't know how to dance," Zarbon said.
"Hey he was talking with us!" Asia said.
"Yah I was going to ask him to dance with us!" Lyssia said.
"Sorry girls, but I asked his first therefore he is mine!" Liya said taking Zarbon to the dancefloor. I'll teach you."
She took his arm and they just stood there, it was going to be awkward, Zarbon who was like 6'1 feet tall and Liya this petite woman which I would guess was a 5'0 foot to 5'2 tall woman. Zarbon knew this would look awkward, he was never taught how to dance, let alone never bothered to learn nor cared to learn.
Zarbon smiled, "So now what?"
"Put your hand on my waist like this," she took his hand and put it around her waist, it was like something romantic kindled between the two, although none of them would admit to it.
"I will now put my hand on your shoulder." Liya said.
"Now we stretch our arms out like this, and we take one step back and you now you lead." Liya then instructed.
"I'm thinking this is a terrible idea, you mean like this?" Zarbon asked.
"Yah now one two there, one two three, OUCH!" Liya said. Zarbon stepped on her foot!
"You stepped on my foot, God I think it's broken too!" Liya said.
"I'm sorry Liya, I was afraid this would happen," Zarbon said.
"It's alright it's not broken, I was kind of fucking with you. Let's try it again, only this time with more confidence, feeling and passion."
"I don't know how to do this." Zarbon said.
"Just try, do what they do in the movies." Liya said.
"Like this?" Zarbon asked.
Zarbon then started doing some tango dance with her, which caught her off guard! He grabbed a rose from a bed of roses, and put it in his mouth, while people were staring at this and shocked at such improper behavior.
Sauza then ran up to Cooler, "Father, father, I mean Cooler, Cooler!" Sauza wasn't allowed to call Cooler father, even though it was proven that he was his biological son, what can I say? Mating with different species was a mystery even to alien science.
"Yes Sauza, what is it?" Cooler asked.
"Zarbon is a splendid tango dancer, look!" Sauza said pointing to Zarbon dancing with Liya.
Cooler was furious, he did not want Zarbon being the center of attention what-so-ever.
"What? Zarbon stop dancing!" Cooler yelled.
Zarbon stopped dancing for a minute, "I'm having a good time so shut up Cooler! I'll dance if I want to! Besides you're not my master, Frieza is!" Zarbon then continued to dance with Liya and felt like he was on cloud 9, even though he was kind of an awkward dancer, I mean let's be honest here.
"Sauza stop him!" Cooler said.
"Yes Cooler sir!" Sauza said running towards Zarbon, but as fate would have it, Sauza fell down and started snoring, he had narcolepsy!
"Oh how embarrassing! Frieza, tell that boy of yours to quit dancing the tango, he's making the party all about him when it's supposed to be about Icey! He's embarrassing the shit out of me and he's supposed to be ballroom dancing not tangoing!" Cooler yelled at Frieza.
"Icey isn't even down here yet, leave Zarbon alone let him do whatever he wants!" Frieza said.
"ARRRHH! Father, tell Zarbon to quit dancing the tango!" Cooler said.
King Cold wasn't paying too close attention and said, "Who?"
"Somebody stop Zarbon!" Cooler said.
"I'll do it!" Dodoria said, and then he fell over the table onto the floor.
Shasha, Dodoria's best friend in the entire world laughed his ass off, "Oh Dodoria, you so stupid!" he drunk a full bottle of wine.
"Allow me to stop him!" Shasha said, he started walking fast, but then tripped over Sauza, who was sleeping still.
Dodoria laughed hysterically, "Well who's the idiot now!" he yelled.
"Oh shut up!" Shasha said.
"Oh never mind!" Cooler said, taking a bottle of wine and gulping it down.
"You are doing more splendid than I thought you would, I haven't had this much fun in a longtime. Nobody can stop us now!" Liya said.
"We better stop now." Zarbon bent over with Liya in his arms and the music stopped, everyone was cheering and clapping their hands and they threw roses at those two.
"Thank you! Thank you very much!" Zarbon said.
All the sudden, Icey appeared on the stairs in a nice gown. She was elegant and beautiful looking with her hair in curls, she started walking down the stairs with everyone staring at her.
"Here comes Icey, watch her trip." Zarbon sneered.
Icey then slipped on an ice cube and fell down the stairs,
"How did you know that was going to happen?" Ashsa asked.
"Because she's so predictable, and clumsy, she does it every time. Liya allow me to make your evening more fun," Zarbon said.
"I don't know much of this attitude of yours Cooler can take, he will get mad at you." Liya said.
"Excuse me ladies." Zarbon walked over to Icey when she was by herself by a table.
"Hello Icey." He said.
She tried to walk away, but he gently grabbed her arm, "What do you want Zarbon?" Icey asked.
"You look lovely this evening." Zarbon said.
"So do you. Anyway I'm waiting for someone." Icey said.
"Waiting for whom, your arrogant fiancé?" Zarbon asked.
"Surprisingly no, but a tall, muscular, charming young man," Icey said.
"Who me?" Zarbon asked.
"No you idiot, the Masked Bandit!" Icey said.
"The Masked Bandit? What sort of bullshit is this?" Zarbon asked, shit he almost forgotten that he had to dress up like the bandit and meet her at the party!
"It's not bullshit, it's a dream! He came on a Stallion below my balcony last night and was dressed up in black like one of those old Zorro movies, and as far as I can tell he was very handsome even though he wore a mask. It's a pity really he didn't want to sleep with a natural beauty like me. I asked him to come and have fun at the party, but he hasn't showed up yet." Icey boasted.
"So how can you tell if he was handsome or not if he was wearing a mask?" Zarbon asked trying to stifle a laugh.
"I don't know, I only assumed, oh but he had pretty gold eyes and that mask covered only the area around his eyes. I never knew his name, but God he was so charming, way more charming then Constantine or you. He gave me a rose, kissed my hand and my lips."
"He didn't kiss your lips, you made that up!" Zarbon said.
"What? How would you know you weren't even there?" Icey said.
"I just have a feeling that you're blowing this all out of proportion!" Zarbon said.
"Either way, I know he loves me!" Icey said.
"Oh dear." Zarbon thought.
Then Constantine and Cooler came from out of nowhere, "Icey how are you? You took quite a fall." Constantine said kissing her hand.
While that happened, Zarbon appeared to cough the word "bullshit".
"Zarbon what was that?" Cooler asked.
"I guess I'm getting a cough," Zarbon said. Of course Cooler did not buy this for once second.
"Well I'm about to make a speech, come on teddy bear," Constantine said.
"My name is Zarbon." Zarbon said giggling.
"Not you Zarbon," Constantine said.
So Constantine, Icey and Cooler walked up to the stairs, "Attention everyone, I have a rather special announcement to make!" Constantine said.
Zarbon said, "This I have to hear, how much you want to bet that he did something he wasn't supposed to do, oh like the fact that his undergarments are showing." Zarbon then started laughing while Liya just shook her head at how outlandish he was acting.
"Um honey your undergarments are showing." Icey said to Constantine, she somehow caught wind of what Zarbon just told Liya.
Constantine was in fact wearing pink underwear and he pulled up his pants up and blushed furiously, "Icey and I are engaged and to be married next month!" he said.
"Oh good we really don't care! Besides, you already told everyone!" Zarbon said.
"Zarbon what is wrong with you this evening? Are you mad or just jealous? Its Icey's birthday and you are ruining it for her. It's not about you anyways; you're just going to have to get over it." Liya a little embarrassed, and shocked at Zarbon's irrational behavior.
"Tell us something else, what's next kids?" Zarbon yelled.
Cooler looked at Zarbon with rage in his eyes, "Zarbon I'm warning you! This is so out of character for you."
"Oh shut up Cooler, you're ruining my fun, and I think this is the most boring party that I've ever been to!" Zarbon said.
"Zarbon it's our cousin's fifteenth birthday, you were fifteen once also!" Frieza said.
Zarbon then said, "In fact I'm so bored to death that I'll just leave!"
"Good nobody will miss you," Constantine sneered.
"Oh Constantine must you be so cold? Maybe he cannot help his temperament; did you ever think of that?" Icey said.
Zarbon started to walk out, and then whispered to Liya, "I'll be back for you later,"
Zarbon walked out of the door and went to Cooler's stolen horse and put on that stupid Zorro costume, this is probably the stupidest most insane thing he ever did in his life and he didn't seem to have a care in the world. He had to win Icey over, as a point of course, cause there was no way in hell he wanted her.
Back inside the ballroom, a few minutes later everyone was talking and there was a lot of boredom to go around. Cui and Liya stood there talking to one another, and Cui couldn't help but notice that Liya had gotten implants. He stared at her boobs.
"Oh Cui I'm so bored, Zarbon said he would be back for me," Liya said.
"Yah I know how that feels," Cui said looking at those knockers.
"Cui, I'm up here!" Liya said furiously before throwing her wine in his face.
Icey was on the staircase with Constantine and Cooler, "Oh that dark, handsome, muscular, mysterious Masked Bandit. He had a voice of an angel."
Constantine snorted and was obviously jealous, "Yah a voice of a snake."
All the sudden a loud voice said, "That's not nice, I happen to love snakes, you must respect their place in nature!" It was Zarbon!
Everyone turned to see that Zarbon dressed in the bandit costume standing by door, but everyone was amazingly just as stupid as Icey, since they didn't have a clue it was Zarbon. To the human eye it would have been so obvious. As far as they were concerned, it was just some uneducated stranger who was there to crash the party.
There were other Primal Changelings on the planet anyways, ones that probably looked a little similar to Zarbon, but not quite as refined and handsome. Even so, it could have been anyone under that mask! Zarbon wasn't the only green haired, gold eyed, and turquoise skinned creature on the planet.
"Oh it's him, it's him, it's him! It looks like he's come back for me!" Icey squealed with delight.
"Will you shut up already?" Constantine asked.
Zarbon put a rose in his mouth, climbed up the wall holding onto a vine, he then swung on the vine onto the stair railing. He then took the rose out of his mouth and threw it down to Icey, who then caught it.
"What a guy!" Icey yelled.
Zarbon then swung onto the vine down to the bottom of the stairs, and let go of it and did a triple forward flip landing. He stood there and grinned with his nice, lady-killer smile.
"I have never been so furious in my entire life! Who is this low-life and why can't I be that romantic?" Cooler asked.
"I never knew you wanted to be romantic Cooler." Liya snorted with delight trying not to laugh at what he said.
"I am the Masked Bandit! Dangerous to my enemies! Charming to women! Above all I'm very mysterious!" He laughed kind of evilly and this made some of the women faint with delight.
Cooler rolled his eyes and said, "All right, what the hell in Satan's ass is going on?"
"I think a bandit just crashed the party, a rather good looking and charming one too!" Liya said.
"How can you tell he's good looking when he's wearing a mask?" Cooler, also known as Captain obvious pointed out.
"That does it, bandit or no bandit I'll have to kick him out! This is so silly! I am going to kick him out of this party" Cooler said walking over to Zarbon.
Zarbon drew his sword, "I'm not going down without a fight!" Zarbon yelled.
He drew the letter Z on Cooler's thin belt, and Cooler's belt ripped and his pants fall down, reviling gold underwear, everyone laughed hard and Cooler ran like hell out of the ballroom.
"That's right you flamboyant sissy, get out of here!" Zarbon yelled.
Zarbon then turned his rage onto Constantine, "Now it's your turn you arrogant snob!"
"Do I even know you?" Constantine asked trying to act like nothing was wrong.
Zarbon said, "You caught me in a great mood, I'm going to kidnap one of these lovely ladies to make my conquest!"
Zarbon then whistled loudly and the horse came into the palace. Zarbon ran over to Liya and threw her on his back; she screamed and was afraid this lunatic was going to rape her or something. Zarbon got onto the horse and Constantine tried to save Liya, but the horse kicked him in the stomach and had Constantine gasping for air.
"Hidey ho Quicksilver!" Zarbon yelled and the horse galloped back into the garden out of the palace.
"Come back mysterious, handsome Masked Bandit! You were supposed to have sex with me, not that slutty Liya!" Icey yelled.
"Oh shut up!" Constantine yelled.
Zarbon got off the horse outside and helped Liya down, Liya was amazed at how polite this thief was, never-the-less he kidnapped her, but another thing that puzzled her was why he was not very far from the palace.
"Get away from me you horrible thief!" She yelled and slapped him in the face.
"Liya it's me Zarbon!" Zarbon said taking his mask off.
"Zarbon?" She asked.
She started laughing, all this time it was him, which explains a lot come to think of it. He started laughing too, "Is this some kind of joke? Why did you crash the party dressed as a bandit?" Liya asked.
"I was just trying to make the party more fun, I stole you because you were board, and I'm dressed up as a bandit or a highway man because I was trying to prove…." Before Zarbon could finish Liya interrupted.
"And you went to all this trouble just to kidnap me; I thought you were going to ravish me!" She said.
"No I would never do that to a woman you know that! Ok so I was trying to steal Icey away from her horrible fiancé! I made this bet with her so I could seduce her away from Constantine and I thought the best way to do it would be to dress up like a bandit from those movies." Zarbon said.
"Why? That's got to be the stupidest, most immature thing I've ever seen you do! That's why they call it the movies, stuff in the movies and fairy tales don't happen Zarbon, this is real life! I get that you have a sheltered life, but you might be in bigger trouble than what you think. Did you take your medicine for your mood disorder?" Liya said.
"I don't have a mood disorder damn it! But I do kind of feel a little tired." Zarbon said as if wiped out.
"You know what you need to do, you have to go back in a set things right, tell everyone the truth, and now take me back inside!" Liya said.
"Oh all right, even though I'm probably going to get whipped for it," Zarbon said.
They went back inside, Cui then said, "The Masked Bandit has returned! And Liya doesn't look like she's been violated!"
"Hi again, I have a confession to make! I'm not really a bandit or a highwayman!" Zarbon then took the mask and his hat off and everyone was surprised, except Cui.
"I knew it! I just knew it!" Cui said.
"Oh please you did not know!" Liya said.
"No it can't be you're too dull- headed! You aren't adventurous enough either!" Icey said disappointed.
"Yes I'm afraid that it's me!" Zarbon said.
"I can't believe I kissed you!" Icey said.
"She kissed you?" Constantine asked.
"No she didn't I kissed her!" Zarbon said. Everyone gasped, of all the rotten things in the world! Zarbon kissed his second cousin on the lips, even if they weren't physically related. Everyone was so shocked and stood there looking pale and amazed at Zarbon's hypocrisy, when he preached that he didn't want to lay down with a woman.
"Relax, we didn't have sex or anything," Zarbon said. Phew, that was a close one!
"So that's why you wouldn't have sex with me!" Icey said.
"All I wanted to prove was that I could mildly seduce you and steal you away from Constantine, so that I could prove to be more charming then him. I mean look at him he's the most dull-headed person I've ever seen in my life!" Zarbon said.
"Yes, he is dull, but he's also good in bed too," Icey said excitedly. The entire ballroom heard this, and things went from strange to just plain awkward.
Sauza woke up from his narcoleptic episode, "Did I miss something?" He asked.
"No, no, not at all!" others said.
"Good!" Sauza said going back to sleep.
Cooler came into the ballroom wearing his boxer shorts, many women found this attractive, seeing him in his boxer shorts, especially the non-Icejin Changeling women. "Now what is going on?"
"Zarbon just confessed that he's the Masked Bandit and that he was trying to seduce your cousin and steal her away from Constantine!" Appule said, and then he covered his mouth.
"Ops," Appule said.
"Zarbon, you embarrassed the shit out of me! Here I plan this nice birthday party for Icey and you ruined it with your dull-headed ways!" Cooler yelled.
"Actually he made the party more fun that way; the party was almost boring because of you Cooler." Icey said.
"Yah fuck off Cooler!" Zarbon yelled.
"So do you want to marry me and have sex then? You did win the bet, which means I have to dump Constantine, you said so yourself." Icey asked.
"Are you crazy? You are my second cousin, and you belong to Constantine, but he if he does cheat on you then give me a call and I will rough him up ok?" Zarbon asked.
"I cannot help but feel hurt that you would say that, but whatever I will get over it. Friends?" Icey asked.
"We'll always be friends, I will ask you to give me one hundred chillings because I clearly won." Zarbon said.
"It's only fair since you did manage to mildly seduce me, ok just let me get my purse," Icey said.
Zarbon went over to chat with some women and then Icey came back with the chillings to pay Zarbon for winning the bet. He gave Icey a kiss on the hand and ran out of the palace, and rode into the night on the horse that he stole from Cooler. Let's never talk about this incident ever again, ok?