Dedicated to: vannahlove.
I don't like it but I had to put warnings (but it isn't like it is that bad things) : Swearing (not so much), cutting ( just one time skin but it's not explicit or discussing), yaoi (not really rated M…so you get it).
Don't let any of what I've said to stop you from reading, it's not that bad but I don't want someone to say that I didn't said the warnings. Please…if you enter it, read it. If you really didn't like it then say so. And I will sincerely apologize because I said that the warnings won't disturb you.
Now…enjoy:
I always wondered… What is real love? What does it really mean to be loved?
Because I know that there are so many ways to love someone but still… you know your own love for a person, but the person who says "I love you" ,may love just one thing about you, whether they are aware of it or not.
Love can make a person entirely blind even if they are in love with just one single thing about that person, but love is not a blessing, it's a curse, because love is like a dream…not real.
But still... is my love for someone different or am I blind too?
A person… can love your beauty, your body, your voice, your eyes, your confidence, your money, your friend, your personality, your pain, your love.
They say that if you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else, like when you are sincere with yourself you can be sincere with someone else…
The ways that I lied to other people, the words that are made to be lies, just because those sentences can't be spoken differently, I lied to myself like I lied to the others.
But I know… as you sleep, you dream… it's a curse just because of the dream of"perfection" of "self-protection" or…"self-lying".
One day, you will wake up, tired of dreaming, tired of sleeping, tired of living in a lie and that's when the eye of reality shows you who you are, what you are, how you are, and the curse starts when real life begins .
When you start to push everyone and everything away from you…slowly, the curse flows in your veins; "self-destruction" is just a sacrifice for the nonexistent perfection.
And for what?
Because you are afraid to not be loved, but did someone ever give you reason to think that? The way you are is not enough? Will never be? It never was?
You didn't meet that person and even if you had, you will never be sure that that's it or if you met someone new… is that the perfect person? Is it? Isn't it?
Even if you don't do this for someone, even if you say that you do it for yourself, but why? Because all you've done until now…is to blame yourself, to make scars on your skin and on your soul, to become sick, but still… it will never be enough.
For they, for him, for me.
Imperfect love
This room is surrounded by the night's darkness. I like to stay in here because I know it doesn't matter what I do, how I look…
This dark room is hidden from the human's eye. The darkness doesn't judge me, he doesn't feel pity for me, and he doesn't look at me…
I really do hate my life, I am in high school and I am 16 years old, and I want to die more than I want to live.
Everybody would say that this age is the best, because I am young and that in high school everybody has fun and that I should think in the same time at college and that this is the best period of a life, adolescence.
Now, I am here wondering, how could this be the best period of my life?
When I go to school, I really don' t talk with many people and the ones who talk with me don't have anybody else to talk to and the rest want to beat me because I am either too calm or because I looked at them in God knows what way.
When I come home, Iruka keeps asking about all the things I hate about my life and I try not to ask myself and yet he does… almost every day.
How it was at school, did you get a good note, did you make friends, what would you like to eat for dinner and the most annoying question: How is Sasuke doing?
It is the last question that I hate the most. Thankfully he stopped asking after I had begged him to stop. That question has consequences… the ones that involve food and weight gain.
From the day, the vacation finished, Iruka cooks every day, the food is delicious and that is the biggest problem of mine.
I eat too much and I am so afraid that I will get fat; I look fat already, don't I?
No one has ever told me that I am fat but I know that I am not skinny either and I can gain weight any minute.
I have given up on trying to throw up, to stop eating at all, to say I am not hungry even though my last meal was three days ago.
But now, I am saying to myself every minute that I don't care how I look, that it doesn't matter and that to be healthy is more important. But when I go outside and see everybody that is so skinny, so perfect, so beautiful…
Okay, I am not talking of 100% of the people that are outside and that they look like models, in fact, one person that is more perfect, more skinny, more beautiful is the boy that I hate the most, Sasuke Uchiha.
My life connects in some weird ways with different humans. My step father that wants me to eat, Sasuke that is perfect from every way you would look at him and I …that I am imperfect and I will probably get so fat that everybody will hate me more than they already do.
When I walk on the street, people yell behind my back or right in front of my face, saying that I am a freak, that I should die and that I cut my veins.
I have never done that before, I don't listen and I tell them that they are wrong and that I would never do that to myself. I said that I am a rocker, not an emo … but I think I am slowly fading, slowly believing them.
My hands are clean, no cut, just some scars that can't be seen very easy at the first look but my belly has, some…
Now… because I do sport at school, I have to try so hard to not want to cut myself, that is the first thing I want to do, every time I get home, eat again, fight again, slam the door behind me again, cry in the middle of the night again and then to want to die again…
It doesn't matter what I do, what I think, it all went bad from the start.
And the worst part is that I have no one to tell my sorrow, no one to hug, no one to kiss…
And the very worst part is that I think that I am in love, and the most very worst part is that I am in love with a boy and it's the boy I hate the most, the perfection, the arrogant, Uchiha Sasuke.
I wish I could hate them more just to have the guts to drown myself, or to jump from the window, or to run in front of a car, or to electrocute myself …or anything that would end this horrible life.
"Naruto?"
"Y...Yes."
"Dinner is ready!"
"Okay."
I will eat again, this can't be worse, why did I response to him? I should've pretended that I am asleep and to shut up…
"I made spaghetti with sausage, it smells good, doesn't it?"
"Yeah…"
"Has something happened?"
"No…why?"
"Because you look a bit down."
How could this human that lives in the same house with me, eats the same food as me, sees me every day no figure out in all of these year's how bad he destroyed me with his expectations and food? I hate myself so much and he doesn't even care…
"Good appetite."
"Yeah…you too…"
I know that I look a bit… down but it's his fault, I won't be happy because I am eating, because I get fat, I won't… I can't.
After putting two kg on me, I have to go to the bathroom; I have to get it out now…
I didn't get it all out…why is my body getting used to vomiting so hard?
I have to go to my room until…
"Naruto…did you just throw up? Do you feel sick?"
Act, just act…
"Yeah…my head hurts and my belly too…"
"Maybe because of the food, but I don't feel sick at all…"
Of course you don't, you are skinny, you aren't fat and you never had this problem. I am the one that is feeling sick of looking in that damn mirror!
Its 9 pm, it passed an hour or more after Iruka almost caught me, and I am standing in my room again, I should do some homework but I don't have the mood for it…what am I thinking? I am never in the mood for doing homework, I would watch the ceiling all the night, just so I wouldn't have to do my homework …
I should sleep…I have to wake up at 7… some music would help…if I could find my mp3 player in all this mess… I haven't cleaned my room again…Iruka will kill me the next time he enters in my room.
I found my mp3 player and start searching for a good song that I could fall asleep to, even if normal people won't listen to rock to fall asleep, I can, and most of the time, it works…
And I found it, Escape the fate: Issues …I love this song…if it can make me fall asleep…
I should play it in my mind so I will get my mind tired :-This is the death of me...I feel it constantly just like an enemy that wants to see me bleed...-
I know I shouldn't cry but I can let one tear escape from my eyes right?
-So I try to be silent while my words they explode like hand grenades, I just gotta stay calm, before I let this time bomb blow up in my face.-
Be silent… I have to be silent…but it hurts…
-These issues pin me to the floor, these issues are my overlord, I feel so dominated, these issues, they choke my like a noose.-
I want a beer, I want a cigarette, I want...
-The hounds have helped me cry-
I will cry until I fall asleep...
-Thats how they give to me, inject my head with lies, the pains astonishing-
Tell me lies that I won't believe but if they are good...I will be happy...
-Like a flick or a stone, slowing crushing my bones, sending me to my grave and if such a fate this life that I am going insane.-
Am I...going insane?
...
„Naruto! It's 7:40 am! Wake up!"
Wake …wake up…
"Naruto!"
"I am awake! God…"
I have to find my clothes… to wash…no time for washing…my hair looks….weird…
"At what hour did you sleep?"
Why is he acting like a damn annoying father when I am late?
"At 9 or 10."
"Then why are you late?"
If I think better, I lied. I set that song to play over and over and it didn't play just 3 or 4 times… And I cried a couple of times so I didn't hear it…so I may have fallen asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning…
I stopped the song and put it again, I cried and stopped and tried to fall asleep again…and I had another nightmare…. What a cursed night…
I am trying to find everything I need but he is yelling at me, and criticizing me, and it's already 7:54…
"And when did you clean in here last time? How many times I've told you to…"
I hate it… I don't want to hear… I don't…
"Shut the fuck up!"
I am done, I find it all, he stopped, and I don't care how he feels right now…he doesn't care how I feel. I want to leave… now.
I slammed the front door, finally. Headed to the school, I won't arrive to the first class anyway…it doesn't matter what I do right now. I won't make it in time.
I take the bus and I sit in the back of it. Some punks enter it…this can't be good.
"Oh… what we have here? "
He is pointing at me…shit…go away…
"A blond emo freak! Oh! You want to cut my veins too? Don't you?"
"Leave me alone!"
Two of them pulled me to stand on my feet and he sits himself on my seat. In total, there are 4. One girl, three boys, the one that is on my seat is the boss. They are always annoying me and make me be late to school or they sometimes beat me…I hate them all…
"Hey, you are cute…if I let you cut me can I do all I want to do with you after?"
The girl is beautiful if you ask me, but she is mean and stupid… I've seen her before she was with these assholes and she was silent, smart, she reads a lot…or she did then… she lives in a house, not in a block and her house was beside mine before I moved, she always read in the garden… but after I left and after some years, I found her, here, with them…acting like this…
"You don't read anymore do you?"
I was hit, on the ground, by a girl. This is where I should to get off and go to school, they did, but I am still on the ground.
There are so many people around me that are staring but none of them, not one helped me or said a thing. They are afraid like I am but still…why? Childs, adults, and even elders, why is no one helping me?
I get up somehow, and get off to the bus, I have to go to the school, and my stomach hurts from the punch…
"Hey Naruto!"
Inuzuka, Inuzuka Kiba is a boy that is very sure of himself, friendly and open minded, and his dog Akamaru grows more every day.
Even though we are not allowed with animals in school the dog stays outside or on the roof all the hours, while Kiba is in classes and in every damn break, he goes to see what Akamaru is doing…it would be worse if they were married.
But even so…the dog saved me once from being beaten up and Kiba too, so I respect them and Kiba talks to me…very much if I think a little about it…
"Hey, Kiba…"
"You are late again?"
"Yeah…I didn't wake up…"
"That is so typical for you."
He comes to me and gives me a friendly punch, but for me, it hurts…I have a bruise there from another's not so friendly punch but I won't say a word at this small pain…
"Come on, or we will be late at the second class too."
"Yeah…"
I don't really care about school, it doesn't help me with anything right now and I don't think it will ever…
I know I should study and blah blah… but I don't want to be beaten up for being a nerd too.
Iruka loves me, even if I feel like is a problem for my other problems but I know he does…he is family after all, or step family…
But even so… if I don't study, at least to pass or for notes of 7 or 8… it will be bad…I don't want to remember…
I am in the class, finally…nobody cares that I've walked in. They stare at me ironically and criticizing me with their eyes or don't look at me at all and I thank God for the ones that don't look at me at all…
Or should I thank Sasuke for not looking at me at all? But I won't just because he doesn't look at anyone; I am not a special case.
"Oh… Inuzuka and Uzumaki . How could it be that you honored us with your presence? „
This teacher annoys me so much. He is the math teacher. He is damn boring and ironic and mean too...or no. He is mean just with me. I don't know a dash of math and he knows I don't know.
"Uzumaki! Come here to see what you've learned while you weren't in my class."
Even if we both made it to the school in the same time, and we both entered the class in the same time, we still were late, but the part that annoys me the most is that he is not punished, I am the only one that is punished.
"Try to solve this equation."
He writes something on the board and then gives the chalk to me. And he knows that I don't give a damn about math and that I can't solve the equation, he knows how bad I am at math and still….the equation is a whole sentence to me with a lot of numbers and x.
"You know how to solve the equation?"
I would swear on God that this teacher has a problem with me, and I really don't know why and neither do I care but I will end up with a 3 or 4 note but if I swear at him, even if it would be my pleasure and a truth… I will end up at the principal, again.
"No…"
"Class! Uzumaki doesn't knows how to solve the equation, if someone in this class knows to do this equation I will give that student a 10 and to Uzumaki a 3."
3? That is kind…Thank god it isn't a 2 but I am done at math anyway. I won't pass even if I have this 3 or 2…I already have a 2 and a 4…just a 1 and can count my notes…
A lot of people raise their hands but if they fail I will escape from this class without a 3…No one in this class really knows to do this equation or at least not completely correct until the end. The only one that can do it is Sakura, or Shikamaru but he didn't raise his hand…he is too bored in my opinion and Sasuke that didn't raised his hand either but I wonder why? Let's see because he has already 3 of 10's …Damn annoying but the only one that the teacher would be sure I get that 3 is to put the perfect student to do the equation and that is…
"Sasuke… can you please show Uzumaki how to solve this equation?"
The boy seems as bored as Shikamaru or more annoyed because he has to move because of me, of course.
The equation was quickly solved, it took one board to solve it but it took just a couple of question, the boy didn't have a problem at solving it, didn't even get stuck a second, it annoys me so much…
When he finished, he obviously write a dot like he finally finished something that disturbs him, obviously because for him, it was too simple…and for me impossible.
The teacher started to praise how smart Sasuke is but then he turns around to go to his seat, and he looks at me, he looked at me, now, he is going to his seat. He looked at me, not staring, not like he wanted to kill me or something…he looked disappointed.
After another 6 hours of pure torture and boredom, the classes are finally over.
Kiba, Gaara, Shikamaru, Choji and I go to our favorite place, in the back of the park on the grass, after we buy some beers, some packets of cigarettes and some chips, and then sit ourselves on the grass and start chatting.
"You know…Naruto…"
"Hm?"
When Shikamaru starts a question like that, it can't be good and what could I answer while trying to drink…
"Today in the class, when you were late with Kiba, the teacher punished just you and Kiba…"
"Hey! I know it wasn't fair, but it isn't my fault, the teacher…"
Kiba always yells to defend himself…
"I know that it is not your fault, I didn't say it was, I am just saying that it wasn't fair."
"Guys…stop fighting because of me, we came here to relax and it wasn't anybody's fault, I was late and I don't mind being the only one punished, it's okay…Let's just end the subject…okay?"
I lied a little, I was a little furious for being the only one punished but Kiba is my friend and I don't want him to be punished so it's okay.
It wasn't fair but the teacher is nuts anyway and I know Kiba felt relieved when the teacher didn't say his name and punished just me and I know he feels bad about it but he is still human, it wasn't his fault.
"Naruto...I am sorry…"
Now he is apologizing? He never did that...
"Kiba. You don't need to be sorry, it wasn't your fault or anything, and you didn't say that you were late because of me? No? Then it isn't your fault. Let's end this subject."
I was very clear and very straight forward about not being his fault. It wasn't and I couldn't take the fact that someone is saying he is sorry for me, I feel sorry for so many things… but I can't say it loud…
I finished my confident argument and started smoking a cigarette… and everything went quiet until Kiba and Choji started friendly arguing about Choji eating all the food.
And I start thinking again with their voices in the back of my mind and just one question remains so loud and underlined:
'When did I start drinking and smoking?'
It may be that I started drinking when I was younger at 11 or 12 years or so but I don't make myself drunk every day so I am not alcoholic but I think I started smoking when it was Kiba's birthday and we said we will just try from Gaara that he was already smoking from when he was 14 or 15.
I just tried and I end up doing it every day.
Gaara and I, and sometimes Shikamaru. Choji and Kiba just drink.
It is bad…I wonder how bad Iruka would kill me if he would find out. I was almost caught a couple of times but somehow I escaped every time.
After we finished the beer and the cigarettes, all of us split up and go to our own houses.
Just in this moment I remembered that I can't go home so early …is just 4: 30 and if I go home, Iruka will have enough time to yell at me for yelling at him this morning. I have never done that but I had a good reason.
I was so pissed off and late and all he had done to help me was to yell at me and to judge and criticize me...like everybody else.
But where should I go?
I didn't think about it more than a second but before I realized it more, I end up at the cemetery. I always come here when I feel the need to or when I don't have anywhere else to go. Nobody I know is here. Not even the ones I visit.
That should be my parents. I know about them just what Iruka told me but it's not enough because I didn't met them or talked with them or anything else…
So they are like complete strangers to me and I am a complete stranger to them, we are family and nothing else…
"Hey! Uzumaki!"
Now what? I think I know this voice…don't tell me that the one that just called my name is…
"What do you want Uchiha?"
"Kill some time. Come with me."
He pulls me after him, holding my arm tight, just so that I can't run away or stop walking. What should I do? What is happening?
And what is he doing in the cemetery? He followed me or he has been there before me and I didn't notice him?
"What are you doing? Stop!"
"Shut up a second."
I did, just because he had never talked so serious with me, but if I think better…we barely talked before, just swearing or staring at each other or that look in the math class…
What was that anyway? And where are we going?
"Okay, stay."
We are in a park, a park I never seen before, it isn't so big but I didn't know it exists and I live in this area or I think I am, it can barely be seen from the street and nobody is here…so he comes here often or is it just my imagination?
I sit on the bench like he told me to…is it just this one or…oh it's another one 20 or 30 feet's away from this one.
I am quiet and he sits beside me and looks ahead at a non-existent point in the air…
"What do you want?"
"Why are you making such a fool of yourself?"
That caught me off guard, since when did he care about me?
I know we were colleagues from kindergarten but even then we barely spoke. He is perfect and I am the one that hates himself, drinks, smokes, cuts himself, hates everybody, even his friends for not being there all the time, or family for leaving me alone and Iruka for forcing me to eat and to do things I don't care about and yelling and all that at 16 years!
Everybody likes him…what do I think? Everybody loves him. And he is skinny, beautiful, and smart, he has family and all and any girl would fall to her knees if he just looked at her. He is the complete opposite of me.
"What do you mean?"
"Well… being late, not studying, drinking, smoking…what would Iruka think of all that you are doing every day?"
"What the hell are you saying?"
"I am saying that you are destroying your life."
"You don't know a fucking thing about me! You don't even care! Who the hell do you think you are?"
I yelled, I get up from that bench and I walked away, almost running but I managed to do just 2 steps until I was stopped by his voice.
"Naruto!"
He yelled my name, he just yelled my name with that tone that Iruka yells my name every time I walk away from him when he acts like a parent, like the parent I don't have…
"What?"
"I will tell Iruka."
"…What the fuck?"
My voice is breaking with every word I say…
"What will you tell him? I will deny everything."
"Yeah? And if I can prove I am telling the truth?"
"And how will you do that?"
I was almost laughing and crying in the same time, scared and confused and today…it all went black in my mind.
He comes right in front of me so sure of himself, he is destroying my life more than it's already destroyed, I don't have anything left that the things I already do every day.
If he will tell Iruka about all, he will make me change the school and I will be the new freak again, without any friends, teachers that will hate me more, and I will be punished for the rest of my life… he will bring me and take me from school every day. Controlling me and watching me every day just to be sure I don't do anything wrong… It will be the hell alive!
I think too much and I know that my face looks like all those fillings that overwhelmed me in just 3 seconds.
He is right in front of me and I wait for him to speak, to do something and I am shocked because his right hand is holding my T-shirt , pulling it up slowly, just a little bit to expose my belly to his eyes and mine, I couldn't move to stop him, he already know.
"If he sees these scars, I am telling the truth."
These scars can show it all, all that I hide can be found and known by just pulling up my T-shirt.
"Why are you doing this?"
I am almost crying, my voice is breaking at the end of my sentence. I know that everything is wrong and that I am already breaking down. I know that all I do is wrong and nothing in my life is good but I can't do nothing more…I don't know what could I do more…
"Why? I am helping you."
"No, you don't! You destroy my life more than already is!"
I can't believe that he believes he is helping me…he even thought that for a second?
"You don't understand…"
"No! You don't understand! Please…I will do anything just don't tell him or I swear that I will kill myself!"
Now…yeah…I sound like an emo. But I would be better, in the real hell or maybe in heaven, even if I don't think I deserve to go there , maybe God would forgive me for all I've done wrong… but I don't care, anywhere is better than here…
"Tell me you're kidding…"
I am crying… I can't hold back anymore, I am just finished, I am just done … I don't care what happens with me anymore…
"Oh, guys! We found him! The little emo freak!"
Oh…tell me I am dead already ….the gang that beat me this morning …tell me I am already dead…
"And that is Uchiha Sasuke, with the emo freak! Cutting your veins together?"
Just when I was about to be punched by the leader of assholes, something stopped his hand.
"Don't even try to touch him!"
He saved me, he just…
"Oh…The great Uchiha spoke."
He was about to say something else after but Sasuke just hit him lifting him off his feet when the other started to lean at the words of the great Uchiha and he just fell on his back.
Another one came to punch him and ended up the same, the other two helped the two on the ground and start running and yelling.
I stand there amazed.
"Fuck you emo homos!"
But all that Sasuke said was:
"Pathetic."
They didn't hear him but he showed them the words he said just for me to hear…even for me, they looked pathetic after pretending to be so strong and so confident but Sasuke didn't care one bit.
Again, demonstrating to me that he doesn't fear of anything and that he is perfect but all I end up doing is lean against the wall beside me and stay on the ground looking the fallen leaves, unable to move.
He sits himself in front of me and raises my chin to face him, looking into my eyes.
"Why are you scared?"
I don't know if it's fear anymore or just that I am impressed or relieved or something else… but when they come to beat me, I am so used to being weak and can't do anything about it and Sasuke didn't even know them and he just saved me…
"Thank you."
I said it. That was all that I wanted to say, the shameless part is that when I said it, a tear escaped, I couldn't stop crying, there are too many feelings inside me that don't know how to react on the outside so I end up shaking and letting a tear escape from time to time.
He leaned closer to my face, still holding my chin and then he kissed me… just a peck that lasted for a few seconds. I closed my eyes and after he pulled himself back a little, he looked at my eyes that were not entirely opened and kissed me again, this time, with more confidence.
I didn't know how to react, it was all so unexpected and in the same time, it all goes naturally, like it was supposed to happen right here, right now.
He tries to open my mouth more, and I do it without hesitating, but I didn't think too much about it, or haven't think about it at all, and all that I felt was something inside my mouth… I quickly realized that it was his tongue playing with mine, waiting for a response and I quickly answered when I fully realized what was happening.
He leans against me, and I lean against the three more. He was already on top of me, kissing and touching. Sasuke is touching my back and my hands and in the end holding my head with one of his hands.
I am touching nothing. I let him hold my hand, touching my back, and holding my head with his right hand so I don't hit my head on the tree, I can't move a bit, I enjoy all these feelings, all that I am doing is to kiss him like he kisses me, I feel like I'm in heaven, I don't want to stop or to move in any way…I wish I could stay like this with him, forever…
But it stopped… I know we both need to breathe but…it stopped and I am back in hell.
He retires himself slowly a little bit and then looks into my eyes, breathing with the same rush that I am.
"I am sorry, I shouldn't…"
What is he saying? He isn't supposed to feel sorry… It was my first kiss and I know that it was with a boy but I've never been happier…I don't know what to do but I can't speak, I just want to kiss him again…
"We should go, I am so sorry, it won't happen again, it's just that…"
No I stopped him, biting his lower lip in the time he was speaking, letting him know that it's okay and that I want more, after doing so, I blushed and looked into his eyes …he smirked like he wasn't expecting that at all but he liked it…
He started to kiss me again and we leaned over the tree again and I felt as though I was in heaven once again.
…
Until it all become hell once more.
"I am home"
"Naruto! You know what hour it is?"
"Ah…7 pm?"
"You didn't called all day to tell me where you are…and now you come home like nothing happened after you yelled at me in the morning and now you aren't even feeling sorry for it?"
I forgot about what happened in the morning, if I think better, I don't know my name either, all that I remember and what I want to remember was me and Sasuke against that tree…I think about it all the way home and now…I have to be pulled back to reality…
I haven't even untied my shoes and he is yelling… why me?
"Naruto! Are you paying attention to me?"
"Yeah…"
He grabbed my shoulder from the position I was staying, trying to untie my shoes and then I was slapped… by Iruka.
That made me wake up entirely to the reality, the reality of my life, my beautiful dream lasted just some hours… and now it's at its end.
I felt ashamed and confused once again, after he slapped me, he tries to hug me and to say he is sorry but I won't accept this, not even in 20 years!
"Naruto…I am …"
"Let go of me!"
I struggle as hard as I can and I escaped from his embrace, I run to my room, close the door and lock it with the key.
"Naruto! Come out! Please! I am sorry!"
"Go away! Go…"
I can't believe it. This is not real. I was saved today, today was the best day I ever had in these 16 years and now I come home, it should be where I feel the best, and where I am loved but all that I am given in return are just screams, and cold embraces and fake apologies.
I won't say to him it's okay for slapping me; he said he won't ever beat me, no matter what I do. And now he is apologizing because he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't feel sorry…he is like everybody else…
Sasuke….where are you?
I got off the bed and opened the closet and get the razor that was under some clothes in the back of the closet and I sit on my bed and took off my T-shirt.
"Naruto…please…"
Iruka is still apologizing but I don't care, I don't give a damn about anyone…
One cut to this miserable life, two for the parents I never had, three for that cursed school that eat me alive, four for eating too much, five for being a coward and not being able to kill myself already, six for Sasuke who left me alone like this, seven for being so stupid and for making so many scars and leaving blood everywhere….
I stopped, somehow, the blood was pouring, my belly hurt, and I know that anyone could see that the scars were obviously cut intentionally, I have to wash it from my pants, but I don't want to move, I want to die right now…
I wasn't thinking clearly while doing this, if Sasuke sees this, I am done. I don't want to think about tomorrow, I don't want to think about it at all…
And so I cried until I fell asleep.
"Naruto! Please open the door, it's already 7: 15 and you're not awake! breakfast is ready!"
I woke up like I didn't sleep at all. And when I got up to consider opening the door to Iruka, I faced my belly with dried blood.
"I am coming, just a second."
If it could take just a second… I headed to my bathroom that was attached to my room and just my room and I get my pants off and started cleaning them until all the little drops of blood disappeared and then I started cleaning myself, it hurt but I can't go to school with blood on me.
I found some bandages and I put some on my belly, but it looked weird and it may get noticed … 7 big scars are too much too cover, oh…give up on them.
In the end, I was dressed. At 7:30 I was ready. I haven't put anything on the scars but I put a thin jacket over my T-shirt.
I don't think Sasuke would look at my belly again…but those scars will take weeks to fully heal…
What am I thinking?
I stopped in the front of the door, with my backpack on my back, dressed , and with my hair combed, I would make it up to school if I eat a little fast and if I run to catch the bus and the maybe the assholes from yesterday will leave me alone this time after Sasuke saved me yesterday but…
What am I thinking?
Why did I wake up so early, yesterday I didn't want to go to school, to leave this room, and now, I am all dressed up and it will all be good today..But again…
What am I thinking?
Sasuke would never look at my belly again. We aren't together, all we did was kiss and touch some innocent parts of our body…it was just yesterday, today… we won't speak again, we won't touch the other again, we won't kiss ever again…
"Naruto! Come on! Is 7: 35! I made pancakes!"
Iruka is behind this door, knocking at it and I am standing in front of it and I can't open it, I can't move.
Iruka isn't mad at me anymore, he make pancakes just when he wants to apologize for something because he knows I like them.
Those assholes won't beat me again because they think that if they do, Sasuke would beat them again.
I will make up at school if I hurry a bit and today I don't have math or other class that I would end up being at the board saying: I don't know.
I didn't eat dinner for 2 days until now and the third I throw up and if I think better…I don't feel fat right now, I feel weak and uneasy.
Sasuke made them all. Sasuke resolved them all.
But the only thing that remain empty. The only thing that will be bad is that he is not mine. He won't ever look at me in the same way again; he won't speak, touch or kiss me again.
"Naruto!"
I opened the door. Sit at the table, eat the pancakes with my entire strength, said goodbye to Iruka and then run outside and catch the bus.
I arrived in front of the school and the assholes haven't showed up.
I start running and on my way, I looked at the clock and for my surprise, I made it in time, its 7:56. The classes start at 8. I even see Sakura, Kiba, Shikamaru, Choji and Gaara a few steps in my face.
"Oh. Naruto! You are not late!"
"Yeah. I made it!"
"You had been late the whole year. How could this miracle happen?"
Kiba was surprised and the only one that talked through…
The whole year… I always been late and now I am not…
"Yeah…"
I walked in the same time with them, in the class and when we arrived, it was already 8:00. Just in time and the teacher didn't even come in yet.
Everyone get the books out and sit in their desks, the only one that is ready and that was in the class before I arrived was Sasuke that didn't even looked at me.
I tried to ignore him but I just looked from time to time to see if he is moving, if he is looking at me too, but I just discovered that my fear has been proved.
His expressionless mask is back and his mouth is closed and his body is still. Being in face of me but still …I can't even be near of him. I am nothing for him, that is how it is supposed to be, but still…I feel sorry for not being a special case for him.
"Welcome class."
The teacher arrived; I tried to stop zoning out and to be a little attentive. We have English. And we do it with a very beautiful teacher, she never yelled at me or humiliates me, she just does her job and I do what I want…
She sits herself at her chair, in front of the class, at her desk and opens the catalogue.
After some time…I heard my name and respond.
"Uzumaki Naruto… Missing."
She didn't even look at the class or wait for me to respond, being used to me not being here but I shouted before she could write something.
"Present."
She looked up at me and smiled. Then she continued calling the other names.
Many hands rised but mine didn't. I know english but I don't really want to try reading it... "Naruto? Would you like to try?"
I would say no but I really like this teacher, she always looked to praise me in some way ...so ... "Yes.." "Read from this verse until here."
Okay...read... „Sonnet XXXI
Thy bosom is endeared with all hearts,
Which I by lacking have supposed dead,
And there reigns love and all love's loving parts,
And all those friends which I thought buried.
How many a holy and obsequious tear
Hath dear religious love stol'n from mine eye
As interest of the dead, which now appear
But things removed that hidden in thee lie!
Thou art the grave where buried love doth live,
Hung with the trophies of my lovers gone,
Who all their parts of me to thee did give;
That due of many now is thine alone:
Their images I loved I view in thee,
And thou, all they, hast all the all of me."
She walks through the room and starts to gather her books and I just discovered that her book, from where I read just now is still on my desk. "A… The book…"
"Oh, thank you Naruto."
And now that I remember, she is the only teacher that says Naruto and not Uzumaki. "No, I should thank you…"
She smiled again and I smiled too. I should really thank her… I don't know how but…oh…I just remembered…the homework, I should do a poem that would resolve all, to thank her, and to talk with Sasuke in the same time. The hours passed quickly, I was very quiet and attentive when they asked something, I even raised my hand a few times to respond, most of my answers were wrong but the teachers seemed to appreciate that I tried. I was so happy, today was perfect, but all that I cared was doing that poem. In all the breaks, I worked on the poem, in the middle of the classes; all I could think about was that poem. The classes ended and when the gang asked me if I want to go to the park, I said no. I don't know how but I didn't want to go. I didn't feel the need to drink, to smoke, or to talk. I just wanted to go home, and to start writing the poem. And even eat the dinner, I was starving. And so…I end up running to catch the bus and when I was just arriving, I was just running in front of Sasuke that was walking calmly. I just left him behind, I should have said something, I haven't seen him before I start running, I can't stop now. I have to go home, nothing happened. Maybe he hasn't seen me anyway. "I am home."
"Oh…Naruto, so early?"
"Yeah, how is the dinner?"
"You mean lunch? "
He smiled and laugh that I was already thinking of dinner, it felt awkward for me too, when I realized it. "Naruto, you are so happy today, something good happened?"
We both sit at the kitchen table and start eating and chatting, I told him that I finally made it to class and what happened at English and other classes. "You know Naruto… we have a book of William Shakespeare, if you want to find inspiration." "That's great. Where is it?"
"Just a moment."
After 3 or 4 minutes he comes back with the book. Now, I am in my room, at my desk, and I read some poems already but it isn't what I really want to write, I want to write something from my heart. I tried to work at it until Iruka finished making the dinner. We ate and then I go back to my work. In the end, I fell asleep with my head on the desk. "Naruto…"
I opened my eyes, somehow still tired but I realized that I am in my bed, not on the chair, and that Iruka is slowly shaking me back and forward to wake up. "What is the time?"
"7: 10"
"Hm…"
"Have you finished the poem?"
That woke me up completely. "Oh …god..."
"You didn't? You have English today?"
"Yes." "First hour?"
"No, the second." "Hurry up and go to school and say that you didn't finished it…"
"I can't do that… I…"
I was so confident yesterday that I would finish it, but I didn't. I ended up at the second hour in front of the class with a white paper in my hands. "So, Naruto, let's hear what you wrote." Now, it's now or never. - "If there were words to express my feelings, -I know it won't match what I really feel… -If there were places where I should belong, -I know I never found them, or they may seem invisible to me… -But my only wish was to be accepted and to know what feelings mean for real, -I am as blind as a bat in the middle of the day -Because I didn't see what was right in front of my eyes every minute, every day… -But today I know… -I am sorry if I was the one that did all the mistakes and that I blamed it on you -And I never wished for someone to be in my place, -But I would give up on all that you gave to me -And I know you gave me happiness beyond other things that I wished every time that I prayed, -I would give up on all that I own right now, just for you to stay with me… -To hold me and to say that you will never leave me until the day I will die and I hope you will be right beside me -To say that you love me and you will never forget me and I hope you will never cry - Because I don't deserve you and because I know I am not good enough for you - But no one will ever need you or love you as much as I love you. " I just said I love him? It rhymes and it's the whole truth, now I can blush until I die… I pretend to be reading the entire poem and when I raise my face to look at the class, I couldn't. Instead, I looked at Sasuke, noticing that he was looking at me. He knows that this poem was for him, he knows that right now I am holding my tears with all of my strength just to don't start crying like someone just died. But it died…inside of me. "Now, Naruto, that was just beautiful. Class! Let's applaud Naruto. Shall we?"
I am trembling and I am happy that everybody liked it but Sasuke is the only one that is not applauding and I know why he is looking at me like that, his eyes pity me, I don't want mercy. That is not what I wanted! "Naruto, give me the paper to see if there are any mistakes."
"But…"
Now, I am cursed, what mistakes should be on an empty paper?
"Now...The..."
She stopped, looking at the paper and then at me, I am done… "Now, you sure disserve a 10. Go back to your seat."
She smiled saying it, I wonder why. "Thank you." When I tried to pick up the paper she quickly added:
"No, leave the poem here. I like it and I want to read it again"
"Okay…"
She is pretending for me? How could it be that I have such luck? I don't have 10 not even at sport, I never do it. I am so happy and I would yell my lungs out if I won't cry in the same time. How could I? It was full of shame; I can't ever face Sasuke after this… The school was over quickly because today was Friday and we have just four classes. I didn't want to go home so I end up at that tree, our tree… And without even hesitating I sit myself in the same position as in that day, leaning against the tree. But I just feel a little bit cold … The autumn just finished…It's snowing, I can see my breath in the air… I think it passed 2 hours since I stay here, I may freeze here but I don't mind, the snow begins to settle on the ground and I don't think I can move any of my body parts… "Naruto?"
That voice sounds familiar…I should open my eyes…
"Naruto! What are you doing! You will freeze here! You look so pale…"
"Sa...su…ke?"
My voice is trembling but he sits on top of me and hugs me, he is so warm and I am so cold… "What are you doing here?" "I don't… know…" "You foul…"
"Sasu...ke..?"
"Yes?"
I can see his breath breathing in the same air as mine, it's so cold but in his arms, it is all warm… All that I need is just… I can't say it, I am looking at him and I can't say it…I am letting my tears out again, I never cried in front of anybody, just him, he is the only one that makes me this weak to cry in front of him but I don't want to stop. If I could die right now in his arms, I would be the happiest … "Hn…"
He smirked and kissed me. My lips are cold and I can barely feel my own skin but his lips are warm and moist and his mouth is warm too. After we kissed some good minutes, he holds me in his arms tightly and begins to talk… "Today…at English class…"
No…that is the only subject, beside others… that I want to avoid so much… "Why do you think you are not good enough for me?"
What? How could it be that from all, he asked that?
"I said that?"
"Yes, you did."
"Well…I am not good…"
I was stopped by his lips, it surprised me but I response quick and it didn't bother me in any way…
"Why do you think that?" "Because, I am not, you are perfect, you are…."
"I am what? If you aren't good enough for me, would you think that I would kiss you, or want you, or need you…?"
"What... Are you joking?"
"Why would I? Naruto… I've been watching you this whole time, you didn't …I had been there even if you didn't see me or I wasn't seeing my mind and act cold and now how I should but, I am not perfect, I don't want to be perfect, I am in love with you." I remained sitting as still as stone, looking at him; he hugged me tighter and kissed me again. If this would be a dream, I wonder if I would prefer to stay in this moment or to wake up, but I already know the answer, if this is a dream I wish I could die just so I don't have to wake up. I know that people may love someone just because of one thing but all that I am or have are imperfect so what could he love about me?
For me, he is perfect from every way…so I love all of him? I know that love is blind and maybe I was in love with him this whole time and maybe that's why I always thought he is perfect…but even if I blinded because I am in love, I don't want to wake up from this dream. The only one I lied to was me. I don't know if I am good enough for him, I don't know if I will be or if I ever have been. But even if he loves me for just one thing and he doesn't recognize that even to himself, he won't for me and I won't either. Maybe all the things I've done, I've done them for myself because I've thought that I am not good enough for him and I never considered or even thought to ask him once. But he is here holding me and kissing me in the first day of the winter, showing me that he loves me, even if I am or not perfect, he loves my imperfections or I love his imperfections… Just God is perfect but even if we were, if one of us would be perfect, would we be here, together? The end. Well… if someone liked this story please review. It took me 8 …or more like 9 hours to finish it. And I hope at least one person will like it: D My beta helped me a lot so thank her or you couldn't understand a thing… I wanted to do a lemon but I didn't, I will think over but for now, is just one shot. I don't think it would fit the story at least in this whole thing I've made…a lemon would ruin the innocence so that's the main reason. If people want it then I will. If you don't then…that's all. Well…I will respond at the reviews if I get … so thank you very much for reading.