A/N: Slight warning for a (very juvenilely written) sex scene, and copious snark.
Once upon a time, there was a young suburban girl with an Apple computer, unlimited access to Starbucks frappuccinos, an unfiltered Internet connection, and not enough to do.
Her username was WingsOfDarkness14, and it was swiftly developing a reputation. Fandom bloggers called her one of the worst Mary Sue writers to crop up since "legolas by laura" and "My Immortal" had achieved Internet notoriety. Her FanFiction account was full of angry guest reviews calling her a horrible writer who would never, ever be a true fan of the works she mutilated.
She deleted those.
The reviews that made it through her selective screening process were the ravings of similarly starstruck preteens like herself. "OMG ur writting is so perf i wish sam &dean would be in love wiht me like that!"
The most recent cultural phenomenon to suffer her ministrations was The Avengers. In it, her character (which did not represent her in any way, oh noooo) was a special S.H.I.E.L.D. agent assigned to join the super-powered team, because Clint was under Loki's control and Natasha had been wounded in a freak QuinJet takeoff accident.
The story ran as follows:
The Avengers were sitting around Tony's lab as usual, feeling bummed because Natasha wasn't there and wondering how they were going to get Hawkeye back.
"Do you guys have any ideas" said Bruce.
"He is my brother" said Thor.
"Well guys, we better think of something quick. We can't just leave a man behind" said Cap.
Tony was eating blueberries and talking with Pepper on the starkphone (get it? Lol). He hung up and said "guys Pepper had and idea!"
"Okay shoot. But remember I'm the leader" said Cap.
"Nick fury said he would send us a special agent to help take Natashas place until she gets better and he said she would help us find Clint!"
"This new agent is a maiden as well" asked Thor.
"Yes but Thor you must not fall in love with her remember Jane even though you cannot visit her right now. We have a job to do" said Tony
"Okay Tony you are right" said Thro.
"I hope the new agent is good at science" said Bruce.
"Why do you need another agent who is good at science when you have me" said Tony then they looked at each other susjetsively (sp?)
"Not right now guys we need to clean this place up for the new agent" said Cap, they all got out brooms and dustpans and started cleaning. Thor had a spray bottle which he unfortuntely sprayed into one of Tony and Bruce's experiemnts and it caught on fire!
"Everybody stand back" yelled Cap as he tried to beat it out with his shield. It only made the fire worse. Tony looked for a fire extinguisher but there was none in the lab.
"I think I can make a fire extinguisher chemical in my test tube" said Bruce and he tried but failed.
"I will go for water" said Thor but he could not get the lab door open. They were trapped!
"We can't die now. Too many people will miss our help" said Cap.
A secret trapdoor in the roof opened and in dropped the most beautiful woman any of them had ever seen. She had long brunette hair down to her waist with golden and purple streaks in it, and bright green eyes and lips that were perfect red all the time without her wearing any lipstick. She had on a S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform except there were special red bands around the wrists and ankels. Also she was skinnier then Natasha and her boobs were bigger.
"Guys you cant put out a fire wihtout a fire extinguisher" she said and she put out the fire.
"Where did you come from" asked Thor.
"From the secret room overhead where Nick fury keeps special agents until he needs us to go out. I would have come in the lab door but I saw on my wrist computer that it was locked and I knew you guys didn't have much time. Don't tell fury I told you about the secret room I only did it to save you" she said.
"Thank you for saving us" said Cap.
"You're welcome" she said and winked at him.
"What is your name" said Bruce.
"My name is Agent Rosemaria Thorne and I am going to help you get Hawkeye back and defeat Loki" she said.
Tony had been staring at her because she was so beautiful but she stared him back and so put a stop to that right away.
Agent coulson came into the lab and said "Oh good Agent Thorne you made it. We saw the fire in the lab on our cameras but we knew you would save them" and she said thank you.
"Now I will tell you where you can find Hawkeye. Loki is keeping him in a secret location which Agent Thorne will find on her writst computer. You can use a jet plane and our grenade guns and you must leave right away!"
"I don't need a grenade gun I have my hammer" said Thor.
"Me neither I have my shield" said Cap.
"I'll take one" said Bruce and he got one for Rosemaria as well, she said thank you and made a cute giggle. Tony and coulson got one too even though coulson wasn't coming.
"Okay let's go" said Cap.
"How will we fly the plane since Natasha was the only one who knew how to fly" said Tony.
"I will fly it and you all will do what I tell you, you aren't allowed to make fun of me just because I am a girl, I will get Clint back for you" Rosemaria said.
"Yes Agent Thorne" they all said together. She giggled and said "Guys you can all call me Rose" and they took off.
They got to Loki's secret lair right after the sun went down. Rose got her gun and said "Okay guys, we will get in through the fire escape hidden behind that trashcan. Stay behind me and no one will here us"
They snuck in one by one behind Rose. Tony was thinking as they crawled in that Rose had a nice butt, but he didn't dare say anything because he knew that she could beat him if they fought, even if he had his IronMan suit on! They found a henchmen and Rose shot him, then more came and they all shot their guns until they ran out of ammo. There were too many henchmen to shoot. Thor started hitting them and killing them with his hammer at one blow. Tony put on his IronMan suit and blasted them with the guns in the palms of his hands. Cap threw his shield at the ones that were far away and hit the closer ones with his fists. Bruce turned into the Hulk and started beating the henchmen down into the ground and sideways into the walls. Then all the lights went out in the tunnel where they were and they heard evil laughter.
"Where did the lights go" asked Tony.
"Rose where are you" asked Thor.
"She is with me" said Loki, and his armor lit up green so that he was the only thing they could see. "Now you can not move"
The avengers tried to get away but Loki had put a spell on them so they couldn't move at all, not even their heads! It affected their lungs to so that they couldn't breathe. They all started wheezing and their faces turned blue.
"Now shoot them so I can get back to work Hawkeye" said Loki.
Hawkeye obeyed because he was under Loki's evil spell, but his arrows bounced off IronMan's armor and Thor's armor, and the other two were on the back side of the tied-up group so he couldn't shoot them.
"I will have to kill them myself with a bomb" said Loki. While he was making the spell, Rose came out of the shadows with a new gun and made Hawkeye put down his bow. Then she tied him up with his own bowstring.
"How did you escape" said Loki angrily.
"I beat up the guards that grabbed me and took their guns, but I won't shoot you because you are so hot if you let my friends go" said Rose.
"I think you're hot too but I have to kill you so that you don't take the Tessekrat" said Loki.
Rose flew through the air and landed with her knee on his chest and bent down so that her lips were almost touching his.
"Too late" she said. "I already have it" and she blasted Loki with the blue cube until his armor came off and he was helpless. Then she tied him up and made him undo his spell and free her friends.
"We're taking you back to the Quinjet and putting you in fury's prison until we can decide what to do with you" said Cap, and they took Loki on the jet with them and went back. Hawkeye came too, because when Rose took away Loki's armor the spell on his brain was broken and he was one of the avengers again.
They put Loki in jail and went to celebrate. Pepper came from Stark tower to be with Tony, and Thor went to find Jane so they could be there together. Bruce and Cap were about to fight over who got to date Rose, but she said "calm down guys, you will both get your turn" even though she didn't want to date Bruce. She only said that to keep him from turning into the Hulk. Then she sneaked into the next room to be by herself, because adventures came at a great cost to her and she was sad over how many henchmen she had killed. She hated to kill.
Cap came in after her. "Are you okay" he said.
"Yes, I was just sad about how many people died today" said Rose.
"Yeah that makes me sad too, but now everyone is safe and we have the Tesserack" said Cap.
"Yes you are right" said Rose and she kissed him. They kissed each other for a long time until Rose said "I need to go change into something nicer for the party instead of this uniform" and Cap said okay.
Rose left but instead of going back to her room, she went down to the prison inside the Quinjet to check on Loki. He was sitting against the wall very sadly.
"Loki have you decided not to be evil anymore" asked Rose.
"I will never stop being evil because of what my father and Thor have done to me" said Loki.
"Don't make me come in there and beat you up" said Rose.
"I would beat you if you came in here" said Loki.
So Rose unlocked his prison door with the secret code she knew and went inside. Loki crouched down to fight. He tried to use his magic, but ever since Rose took his armor away he could not do any more spells. She hit him in the stomach, and he flipped her over on her back and punched her face. She headbutted him and he fell backward, then she jumped over his head and landed behind him. He tried to kick her but she was too quick and knocked him down. The side of his face was starting to bleed.
"Why are you hurting me? I am stronger than you" said Loki.
"Don't be stupid, not even Nick fury is stronger than me, and I can kill you if I want to" said Rose.
"I don't want to fight anymore. You are right, I have been bad and I want to apologize" said Loki.
"Really" said Rose
"Yes and I will prove it to you if you let me out" said Loki.
Rose turned to open the cell so Loki could apologize to the others, but he sneaked up behind her and grabbed her neck.
"I was lying, I will never apologize for what I've done. I will kill you and rule your world" said Loki. Rose started to laugh.
"What is so funny" said Loki.
"I'm laughing because I knew you were lying" said Rose, and she flipped him around and pinned his head down on the floor until he was too weak to fight her. Then she laid him on his back and kneeled on top of him and started to kiss him. Loki moaned because he hurt after she had beaten him so bad and because he wanted more. Rose took off her uniform and you know what happened after that ;). Then Loki said, "I have changed my mind, I really want to be good now"
"I know you are telling the truth" said Rose, and she kissed him.
"Your name is perfect because you are just like a rose, except the Thorne part is wrong because you have no thorns. You are soft and beautiful and I love you" said Loki. Then he kissed her harder than she had ever been kissed before and she said "I love you too" THE END.
WingsOfDarkness14, known in her ordinary life as Skylar, sighed with satisfaction (and no small amount of titillation) as she uploaded her latest masterpiece to FanFiction. Within an hour the flames had begun, but she ignored them because her story "The New Avenger" was starting to get some hearts as well. She took another drink of her venti white chocolate mocha skinny frapp and settled back on her pink canopy bed to look at Loki fan art and listen to her Lana Del Rey playlist.
She fell asleep before she had realized she was tired. It was getting pretty late; she needed to use the bathroom, and her stomach was growling. She got up and fumbled for her phone, texting her mom (who was probably still out shopping) that she wanted stuffed crust pizza delivered for dinner, and disappeared into her little bathroom.
The phone jingled as Skylar was washing her hands. She dried them eagerly to read her mom's message. No stuffed crust for you until you finish the dishes in the sink. That's been your chore for the past two days. There's some leftover spaghetti in the fridge if you're hungry. I'm on a date, so don't call unless it's an emergency. Love you, Mom
Skylar let out a truly impressive shriek of rage. "Most of those dishes aren't even mine! Why don't you ever ask my brother to wash them?" she shouted, flinging open her bathroom door and throwing the phone toward where her bed should have been.
Instead it smacked Agent Phil Coulson in the side of the head. A crack appeared in the earpiece of his previously immaculate sunglasses. He removed them and slowly turned his head to look at Skylar, who was shrinking back into the bathroom.
"Practicing your aim, I see, Agent Thorne," he greeted her. "You were almost late. Put on your uniform. You're about to be reassigned."
"Where's my bedroom?" she demanded. "What am I doing here?"
Coulson looked at the guard standing by the threshold that Skylar was refusing to cross. "Was Agent Thorne's most recent memory wipe conducted incorrectly? Her re-acclimation appears to be incomplete."
"Standard procedure, sir. All protocols were followed."
"I think something's wrong here," said Skylar. "Agent Thorne doesn't exist. I made her up for a story I wrote. My name's Skylar, and I'm supposed to be at home doing the dishes."
"We don't really have the time for this, Agent," replied Coulson politely. "If you'll look at your file here, you'll see that your last assignment was undercover in a suburban setting under the alias of Skylar Benson. Apparently the technicians who conducted your last memory wipe failed to remove some traces of that mission from your consciousness. You are indeed Agent Thorne, and your next assignment does not involve the name Skylar or a civilian household."
"That can't be true," Skylar gasped, her eyes starting to fill with frightened tears. "Please let me go home."
"We can't do that. Allowing anyone to leave this ship for any reason other than the current operation will put the entire team at risk. We already have a touchy situation with the consultants we've just brought in, and two of my best agents are inoperative for classified reasons. It is in everyone's best interests that you cooperate."
Skylar tilted her head, wondering if it was too late to feign a believable injury, when she felt an unaccustomed heaviness accompanied by a faint swish. She looked down and behind her. Her hair was actually to her waist and bore significant purple and blonde streaks.
"Ah yes, that hairstyle was also part of your last assignment. You'll soon be back to normal."
"I have no idea what normal is," she muttered.
Coulson looked almost sympathetic. "Put on your uniform and meet me in the modifications lab in five minutes."
He and the guard withdrew. Skylar looked back at the door she had come through, now a narrow hallway leading who-knew-where, and decided that if doing as Coulson said meant she had a shot at seeing the Avengers, everything might be ok. If there was danger, surely they would protect her.
The black leather catsuit was uncomfortably tight. Skylar had, regrettably, not assumed Agent Thorne's idealized figure when she was transported into this world. Her muffin top, jiggly thighs, and disappointing bra size were on full display in this getup. Miserably, she tugged the front zipper as high as it would go and set out to find the "modifications lab." Even after asking for directions, finding the place took a good ten minutes. Coulson looked like a wire ready to snap.
"What kept you, Agent?" he asked tersely.
"I didn't know where this place was," she pleaded. "I told you I've never been here before."
"I'm going to have to have a talk with Debriefing. In the meantime, please at least pretend to work with us. Sit down."
Coulson left her again, as a stylist appeared out of nowhere to replace the coiffure that Skylar had so carefully crafted on her keyboard with a practical, shoulder-length black cut. Even her request for some bangs to make the look interesting was denied. After tying Skylar's hair back in a no-nonsense ponytail, the stylist left and was instantly replaced by an annoyed-looking young agent who hurried her to the debriefing room. The ubiquitous Coulson was not there. One of his subordinates, Agent May, gave Skylar the rundown on Barton's compromise, Romanoff's injury, and the current tension between the remaining Avengers. Agent Thorne had been selected to lead the strike team that would, if possible, extract Barton and Selvig from Loki's headquarters. If they found the two men irretrievable without a larger force or unwilling to return with them, they were to report on the hostile base's last known location. Skylar listened to all of this with unconcealed fear. By the time May was finished, Skylar was shaking so violently that May asked if she were really unfit for this mission and needed a transfer to Sickbay instead. Skylar, determined not to wind up back home without at least seeing the Avengers, rashly insisted that she was fine and stood up straight to prove it. May looked unconvinced, but led her out of the room toward Stark's lab without further comment.
An alarm beeped on May's communicator. "The lab is on fire," she snapped. "Run!" She added under her breath, "I told him we couldn't afford Stark."
Agent Maria Hill converged with them. "Good to see you ready for action, Thorne," she greeted Skylar. "Help the other agents put out the fire. Then we'll introduce you to your team properly." She and May took off down another hallway. Skylar realized in a panic that she was meant to go on alone. She scoured the walls for a fire extinguisher, or even for a hatch with a red handle. Nothing.
Crutches groaned behind her. Skylar whirled. "Could you help me find — oh! Nat — uh, Agent Romanoff!"
Black Widow rolled her eyes and pointed upward. Emergency kits were installed in the ceiling every twenty feet or so. Skylar looked up at them and back at the agent in front of her, unsure how she was supposed to reach one. Agent Romanoff's body was even more perfect in real life.
"How did you get assigned to this ship, Agent? I don't think you meet the height requirement. Here, hold this." Romanoff thrust one of her crutches into Skylar's hands and stood on her good leg, stretching for the ceiling panel above them.
"What are you doing out of bed, Natasha?" asked an amused voice.
"Not now, Stark," Romanoff grunted, having secured a fire extinguisher. "Trade." She threw it to Skylar (who nearly dropped it) and motioned to be given back her crutch. "You know I can't stand being incapacitated for more than a few hours," she addressed the smirking goatee. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Skylar still gawping at them and jerked her head. "Fire's that way, rookie."
"Who's that?" Skylar heard Tony ask as she scurried off toward the lab.
"Unless I'm mistaken — and I hope I am — that's the new leader of your rescue team," came the faint answer.
Skylar appeared at the lab door out of breath and wild-eyed. "Easy there," chuckled Dr. Banner. "The fire's been out for several minutes. It wasn't more than a small flame to begin with."
The discomfited teenager gulped, nodded, and backed out of sight.
"Poor kid," Captain Rogers commented. "She looks too young to be up here."
"And too inexperienced," added Banner. "I'm no fighter, but even I'd stand a better chance under attack than that girl. She'd be dead meat."
"I'll thank you not to question the efficiency of one of my top agents," answered Coulson as he made one of his back-door-eavesdrop entrances. "She's in charge of the strike team to rescue Agent Barton."
"With all due respect, sir —" began Rogers.
"Trust me, Cap, you haven't seen her in action yet. Thorne, come back in."
Skylar did as she was told, still clinging to the fire extinguisher like it was her teddy bear. Rather sheepishly, she put it down as quietly as she could against one wall.
"Agent Thorne, this is Dr. Bruce Banner, our gamma ray specialist; Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America; Thor, our ally from Asgard; coming in just behind you, Mr. Tony Stark —"
"Come on, Coulson, are you serious?" Tony complained as he re-entered the room, followed by a handicapped Natasha. "This … infant? If she's too young even for me, she's too young to be on this team."
"Objectifying teenagers now, Mr. Stark?" asked Cap severely.
"Please, sir," interrupted Skylar, raising her hand and addressing Coulson, "I think they're all right. Agent May suggested that I go to Sickbay and be evaluated for whether I'm even fit to go on this mission. I haven't been myself ever since I got here; and if I go into combat, I really am gonna get myself killed. And everyone else."
Her cheeks were burning so much that she finished the last sentence with her face parallel to the floor. She could feel them all looking at each other.
"We're proud of you for admitting that to us," said Coulson. "We've known for some time that you weren't supposed to be here. You're free to leave as soon as you say the word — as long as you say it immediately."
Skylar risked a glance around. Thor looked confused but friendly, as always. Tony smirked, but not unkindly. Dr. Banner wiped his glasses with a sympathetic smile that said, I understand. I really don't belong here either. Captain America's face was stern, but he nodded to her. "Does that mean you'll get me off of these ridiculous crutches now?" grumbled Natasha.
"Yes, I'll take care of that as soon as I get home."
See to it, mortal, whispered an unbidden voice in her mind. As fascinating as you fancy yourself, I am repelled by the thought of being forced to watch you remove your garments. Fortunately for you, I do not exist in your world, or your torment would be such as to make you beg me to end your life when I had scarcely begun.
Skylar glanced down and shuddered. Coulson held out his hand. "Are you ready to go?" She nodded and followed him back through the labyrinthine halls to Debriefing. Agent May was waiting beside the ominous-looking dentist's chair that bristled with equipment.
"Agent May will personally supervise your memory wipe so we don't have another malfunction," Coulson informed her. "Take care, Agent Thorne."
"Bye," she croaked in a quieter voice than she knew she possessed. He pulled her phone from his pocket and tossed it to her before vanishing out the door once again.
"Have a seat." May adjusted some dials on the control panel. "I'll need to strap you in solely as a precautionary measure. The machine will not harm you in any way."
Obediently, Skylar lowered herself onto the padded black contraption and made sure her phone was tucked deep inside her pocket. May clicked the straps together with rapid efficiency.
"You've made the right decision," she said as she tightened the last leg restraint. "This is not a life I would wish on many people. When I say you are better suited to be a civilian, it's not an insult."
"Thanks," Skylar mumbled. A tiny part of her still felt that with enough training, she could have had a lot of fun here. If only she'd thought to write herself in several years earlier …
"But I expect you to show equal dedication and fearlessness in living your life," May said in her ear. Then she rose and resumed her position. "Close your eyes and I'll begin the countdown."
Skylar barely heard her. Ming-Na Wen just told me to be hardcore! Screw it, I'm gonna be hardcore. She felt, more than saw, a white light spreading from the corners of her vision to meet in the middle, and she relaxed in the seat.
It was dark, but she felt a door in front of her. Opening it, Skylar saw the infinitely welcome sight of her bedroom, softly lit by the twinkle lights draped above her bed. Her laptop's charge light was blinking. She dove for the power cord and plugged it in before the screen went black; there was a bit of damage she needed to fix. Thanks to FanFiction's convenient story manager, every offending Mary Sue pulp fic was deleted beyond recall in a few seconds. She deleted the copies stored on her hard drive too before she could change her mind. Good riddance.
Her stomach growled like a charging army. It was a miracle it hadn't made that sound while anyone in the Marvel universe was listening. Spaghetti actually didn't sound too bad. She might skip the sauce and heat it up with some butter and parmesan instead. The more she thought about it, the better that sounded. But first it might be helpful if she washed a plate to eat her dinner on.