Devil May Parody

by Blaque Cell

A parody of Devil May Cry, in rhyme! What could be better? Warning: Some scenes in this parody may be deemed offensive. You have been warned. R/R!

"POET MAY WRITE...UH...PARODIES...I GUESS"

Disclaimer: I don't own a fuckin' thing. Sue me, you corporate bastards. You really think I care? I don't own Dante, I don't own Nelo Angelo, I don't even own the underwear I'm wearing, ok? And even if you did sue me, all you would win is a half-empty bottle of Cherry Coke and a copy of Penthouse.

Oh, and by the way, I'm warning you all now, this story is very offensive. I wrote this while I was very angry and going through a lot of drama, so if I offend you, well, don't take it personally.

One more thing. Somewhere within this story is a semi-parody of the first verse of a popular song. Write the name of the song and the artist it was written by in your review and win...absolutely nothing. Just do it 'cuz it's fun, I guess.

With that said...

I'm snoozin' one day in my quaint little place

Decorated with a devil's scrotum and a demon's face

When I'm suddenly awakened

And my slumber is taken

And I find myself shakin'

And have a cravin'

For bacon

A woman bursts in on a big motorcycle

She looks young, but what can I say, I'm a pedophile

So I say, "Hold on, babe! Wait for me to get hard!"

And she says, "Shut up and listen, you fucking retard!"

Then she grabs my sword

The nerve of that whore!

And she throws it into my chest, pinning me to the floor

But rather than angry, I find myself bored

As she says, "Didn't your daddy teach you to use swords?"

So I drift back to sleep and I begin to snore

But the bitch won't shut up, she's just rambling more!

So I decide to shoot her, she don't know what's in store

So gathering up all of the anger inside of me

I fire away with Ebony and Ivory

But then she uses inhuman strength and lifts up the bike

And I'm thinkin', "Jesus Christ! Is this broad a dyke?!"

She smiles for a second then throws the bike at me

But I won't just give up, so I keep on blasting

Don't ask me why, but the bullets are stronger than the bike

So they bounce the bike back and straight at the dyke

The girl moves to the side and screams, "What the fuck?!"

And I remove the sword from my chest and then I stand up

I say, "There's demonic blood in me, so I'll never die"

She says, "Mr. Demon Blood, you forgot to zip up your fly"

So after I turn around and zip up

I raise my guns 'cuz I'm gonna shoot this bitch up

Then she says, "Dante, Mundus is still alive!"

And I say, "Mundus? I'm so sick of that guy!"

She says, "He's been hiding out for years in eastern Ireland,

So we have to track him down. He's hiding in Mallet Island"

I say, "If he's there then I'll come with you"

I drop everything I was doing, 'cuz hell, I've got nothing better to do.

We go to the airport as fast as we can

Airport security don't care about the dominatrix or the Devil Man

They just let us on board

So we go through the door

I don't know what's in store

I'm preparing for war

Any other plane would go to Germany or Australia or Thailand

But we miraculously find the only plane to Mallet Island

Three days later, I'm still wearing the same clothes

And Trish won't stop talking, I'm so sick of this ho!

I tell her to shut up, she calls me an asshole

Then she looks up and says, "Look, there goes the castle!"

The door won't open, so I wack it with Force Edge

Then the sword bounces back and busts me in the head

As I cry and bitch and begin to bleed

Trish opens the door and says, "Should have used the key"

Suddenly Trish leaps twenty feet in the air

A seagull flies by and craps in my hair

So I walk into the castle by myself

The door closes behind me, have I entered hell?

I see a statue with a lance, a very long stick

I giggle like a schoolgirl 'cuz it looks like a...chips!

I find chips on the floor, so I have a little snack

Then I feel a bit uneasy, so I pat the sword on my back

I want to move on, so I walk to the door

Then the door says, "You want in? Gimme forty-five orbs!"

I don't know what he means, so I slip him a twenty

The door smiles somehow and then takes my money

He opens up and I continue to walk in alone

When suddenly I think I hear a zombie moan

Nemesis appears, and he looks insane

I say, "Dude, go kill Jill, you're in the wrong game"

I try to open a door, but dammit it's locked

But I'm strong enough to break it, 'cuz dude I'm a jock

But the lock won't break, so I'm like, "Man, fuck it"

But then I see a key in the hand of a puppet

I grab the key, but then the puppet stands up!

So I'm gettin' real scared, 'cuz he's gonna rough me up

Three other puppets appear, I don't know what's gonna happen

Then they throw their hands up and dance like Michael Jackson

I swear to God when I see Trish I'm going to kill her!

These freakin' puppets are in here dancing to "Thriller!"

So I draw Force Edge, and I mess 'em up real good!

'Cuz I'm Dante, dammit! Stay the hell outta my hood!

Next thing I know, I'm in a dark hall

More puppets appear, I can't kill 'em all

So I run and I run and run faster than light

Then I see a statue that's sitting in the darkness of night

I touch the statue, just to give it a test

Then Shit God Dammit it stabbed me in the chest!

I'm laying there with a sword in my chest and I'm barfin'

Then I stand up so weird my back looks like the McDonald's arches

Now I start swinging the sword, which crackles with electricity

I'm stronger than ever! Nobody can mess with me!

So I go back and mess those demons up

Then look for Trish so I can kill that slut

So far I've killed eight Marionettes and two Sin-Scythes, I'm a pretty good fighter

When out of nowhere I'm attacked by a big-ass spider!

He says he's gonna eat me, but I stand there and smirk

Then I call him fat, then he calls me a jerk

He whines like a pussy and then starts to cry

His eyes turn red and he yells, "DIE!"

I jump to avoid his blast of fire

I'd best watch out, or this could be my funeral pyre

The spider tries to kill me, he thinks he's so bad

But I won in the end. I simply activated my Devil Trigger and kicked him in the nads

The spider yells, "I'll be back, for I am the Phantom!"

I put on my headphones and listen to the Ruff Rhyders Anthem

I'm standing in the hallway that looks like a tunnel

When suddenly I feel this great big rumble

I think I hear someone throwing a tantrum

I looked behind me and Oh Shit! There goes Phantom!

Should I stand and fight, just blast him with my guns?

Or should I be a coward, and do nothing but run?

Should I stare him down, fight him like a man?

Are you out your damn mind? Best believe that I ran

After I ran like a scared little rat

I was forced to do battle with this overgrown cat

I saw a door, so close yet so far

So I distracted the cat with a big ball of yarn

So I ran while screaming, "Out of my way!"

No way I was fighting Shadow today

I looked in a mirror, and what did I see?

I saw a slightly fatter and balder image of me

The other me stepped out and bathed in blue light

And Nelo Angelo stood there like he was ready to fight

Angelo opened the door and jumped to the ground

So I decided to challenge the new swordsman in town

But before my feet could even touch the ground

Angelo gripped me up and started smacking me around

He backhanded me 'til I screamed, "Please, no more!"

Then he slapped me once more as if I was a whore

Then he laughed at me as if it were funny

Then walked away while saying, "Next time bitch better have my money"

Now I found myself on top of the castle

When, lo and behold, there goes Phantom, that asshole

He wants to fight again, but then his fat ass

Puts too much weight on the skylight and falls through the glass

He falls in the room where I started this trip

And impales himself upon the lance that looked like a dick

What a fitting end to the spider who was so mad

To be impaled on a dick, 'cuz I think he was a fag

I've found some gloves that give me the powers of fire

But damn I've been here for a long time, I'm gettin' kinda tired

As I think of quitting, to turn around and go home

I see the sky darken, I'm in the Danger Zone

Then out of the sky comes this humongous bird

Who spreads his humongous legs, and lays a humongous turd

They fall from the sky looking like humongous pieces of Reese's

So I roll on the ground to avoid these humongous chunks of feces

Being the coward I am, I run for the door

'Cuz I don't feel like dodging the bird shit no more

A few hours later, I'm on a ghost ship

The thing's in bad shape; it stinks worst than most shit

Out of nowhere these giant lizards start to square dance

I'm losing my mind; I think I see Spongebob Squarepants

I swim through the water most of the time that I'm in it

And I hold my breath for about eighteen minutes

When I come out of the water, that damn bird is back

I could sell this fight to Fox and call it, "WHEN GRIFFON ATTACKS!"

So I shoot at the bird until I'm all out of bullets

I'm out of ideas, so I just grab his dick and pull it

His scream turns from "ARRGH!" to "AIIEEEE!!"

So I wave him away and say, "BYEEE!"

Now I find myself in this big coliseum

Or it could be a museum

I search for paintings but I don't see 'em

In any case

I see this face

And damn it's ugly

Uglier than Mase

Guess who's back?

Back again

Griffon's back

Tell some men

He attacks, bites my back, I strike back, I get smacked, then he laughs, bites my ass, I see black

I'm yelling owie owie owie owie owie owie ow and some more owie owie owie owie ow!

I've created a monster, 'cuz nobody wants to see Dante no more, they want to see me in Devil Trigger

Well if you want Devil that's what I'll give ya

If I power up then you'll go down quicker

Gunshots that'll press into your heart quicker

Then the shocks when I use Alastor to get swifter

Then the Flash when his Reeboks are operating

So I shoot Griffon in his pussy while he's ovulating

Griffon and I just can't stop debating

I've wanted to kill him but I've been procrastinating

Next thing I'm gonna shoot Dick Cheney

Man this whole fight is crazy, it's cockamamie!

So I blast his ass from behind the grass

With the Grenade Launcher so he don't last

He tries to take me down with his laser blast

But I take advantage of his mass

His wings are clipped

Bullets holes in his dick

Grenades in his clit

Shotgun shells in his tits

He ain't flying, looks like Griffon is dying

Let's smoke to celebrate, hey I'm supplying!

Now this looks like a job for me

Don't no demons wanna fuck with me!

Griffon tried it so I made him see

It would stupid to mess with me!

NA nananana! NA nananana! NA nananana! NA nanana!

Okay, now the castle looks different

So I'm walking around blasting things with Ifrit

I walk into a room and what do I see?

Angelo's smacking a hooker for his money

He turns around and swings at me with his sword

I swing back and accidentally behead his whore

So Angelo challenges me to Rock, Paper, Scissors

I get Rock, he gets Paper, so I punch him in his liver

Angelo cries like scaredy-type guy

Then for no reason at all he just blows up and dies

He drops an amulet

I'm scared to handle it

But I grab it and hold it in the glow that's candle-lit

Suddenly I remember a scene from our past

About our mother walking around with her great fat ass

She says, "Happy Birthday" and then gives us some cake

But I can't sit down to eat it 'cuz I'd just been raped

But anyway, Vergil says, "I want chocolate!"

And I say, "No, I want it!"

He says, "You can't have chocolate if you had a dick up your butt!"

So I say, "Shut up, Vergil! Your mother's a slut!"

Then he says, "Hey, that's our mom you're talking about! What the hell?!"

Out of the corner of my eye I see Mom reaching for her belt

And she beats my behind

And then I start to cry

There's extra pain in my body

Due in no short part to the sodomy

I look up and pick up a sword out of nowhere

I also notice that my testicles have no hair

But anyway, I hop across all sorts of dimensions

And I just wanna go home, I'm a victim of dislexia

I just wanna go home and watch Scooby Doo

But instead I gotta fight a giant puddle of goo

His name's Nightmare, and he's come to play

He wants to rape me too! Geez, are they all gay?!

He tries to grab my dick but finds out it's too small

So he tries to make due and grab on my balls

But I claw and I claw

And I scratch him off my balls with my motherfuckin' paws

So he goes back to the Underworld and leaves a pool

So I jump in after him 'cuz I'm going too!

Okay, I'm in hell, I think I need some Vodka

'Cuz for God's sake, I'm running around and playing doctor

For some reason I gotta start a giant heart

But before that I gotta fight the living fart

Known as Nightmare

But I'm not scared

Even though that bitch Trish is shooting at me and setting fire to my hair!

But I win in the end 'cuz dammit I'm lucky

Then Trish runs over to me and tries to fuck me

But instead of jumping into the bed

I put Ebony to her head

And I say these words instead:

"Trish, I care not for your feminine desires!

You may have my mother's eyes but you'll never have her fire!"

So as I turn my back to Trish, walk away and forget her

I realize, "That was the worst line in video games...EVER!"

Alright, I made it!

The enemy forbade it

And in the process Mundus tried to kill Trish

And despite what she did, I'm gonna kinda miss that bitch

But what Mundus did simply wasn't right

"I wanted to fill your dark soul with LLLLLIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHTTTT!!!!"

There's one thing I'll never forget, and man I mean never

You know what? THAT was the worst line in video games ever!

After Phantom and Shadow and Griffon and Nightmare

You'd think I'd turn around, but dammit I'm not scared

But I came anyway

Is this enemy gay?

All the others were, so let's see

The statue's staring at me

His motion's un-perpetual

Must be a homosexual

And as it occurred to me that the last line made no sense

The statue destroyed the world around us with the strength of ten men

Somehow the statue has the strength to move us!

Holy crap, that's no statue! It's Mundus!

Now I transform into something out of a bad 80's anime

I'm a cross between Transformers, Voltron, and some of the worst Japanime

Anyway, Mundus is throwing everything at me

And no matter what he simply never stops attacking

But then I put on my headphones and listen to "Unleash the Dragon"

And my Devil Trigger kicks up so now I'm gonna frag 'em!

I toss a dragon at 'em!

I tell it to attack 'em!

I tell it to scratch 'em and drag 'em into an alley and smack 'em!

Then Mundus kinda gets mad and smacks me with a fireball

Most of my body's fine, but the fire singed my balls

I end up standing above a pool of lava

The place looks shockingly similar to the Bahamas

And Mundus comes down tryin' to look gangsta

But I'm the coolest white gangsta! You heard that Eminem song, "Wangsta"?

That's me, the not-so-original O.G.

I'm cooler than Moby, and sexier than Bon Jovi!

So I'm gonna kill Mundus! If he don't like it he can blow me!

Sparda, do your thing!

Be the wind beneath my wings!

Slash that fool 'til...DAMN THAT SWORD GOT LONG!

That's the Devil Trigger? Man that's wrong!

There's no way that I can lose!

Look at the fireballs I can use!

Next thing I know, Mundus is singin' the blues

Holy crap holy crap

The time is at hand

This is bad this is bad

Gotta get outta here man!

The island's gonna blow!

I'm outta here yo!

So I run and I run and I shoot things with my gun

Back to the castle, back to room number one

But God-Dammit I fell through a hole

Into the sewers, the home of the trolls

But instead of a troll, I see a pissed-off demon

Jesus I hate Mundus! Just what is he schemin'?

So we fight and fight all hours of the night

Til his body's in flames and he's glowing so bright

But then is that...Trish!

She comes out of nowhere and blows me a kiss!

And then she says, "Dante, use my power!"

Well look at me now, I'm the man of the hour!

And as I realize that I'm number one

Trish transfers her power into my guns

But she doesn't send her power to the ones in my hands

She sends her power to the two objects that rest in my pants

And now I'm schemin' to kill the demon

With my almighty Devil Trigger Semen!

And as I start to frag 'em

With my super-orgasm

I gotta add a little spice to the plot

So I end it with just one catchphrase: "Jackpot!"

* * * * * * *

Mundus has been defeated by the great Sparda Semen

The original Sparda used his sperm to beat the demon

And Dante has used his balls to prevail

Of course if he did that in public he would be hauled off to jail

But anyway, Trish and Dante joined in a hug

And even though they hated each other, they were suddenly in love

And even though the place was blowing up and they were about to die

Dumb-ass Dante still took time to say, "Devils Never Cry"

Just as Mallet Island prepared to go "KABOOM!"

An airplane crash-landed right into the room

So Dante hot-wired the plane

And he and Trish flew off knowing that things would never be the same

They moved in together, started an agency, had a kid

But their relationship was more rocky than Eminem and Kim's

Dante beat Trish, Trish sued his ass

Took the car, took the kid, took his clothes, took his cash

And that's why in Devil May Cry 2, Trish is nowhere to be found

She's living in Costa Rica, while Dante's living underground

And that's the story of the son of the Legendary Dark Knight

Seems like Dante here had a pretty fucked-up life

So even though Dante may be a sissy and look like a lady

At least he's got a cool catchphrase: "Let's rock, baby!"

Ugh...come to think of it, DMC did have some stupid lines...

THE END