I don't own 'What Hurts The Most' by Rascal Flatts of Big Time Rush
What Hurts The Most
Logan's childhood friend, Alyss, on how it felt to watch him walk away from his life in Minnesota; away from her
Logan and I had always been close, from his first day at our school after moving to Minnesota from Texas in 3rd grade. He was this shy little boy with a weird name; I mean, come on, who in their right mind thinks that Hortense is a normal name. I was told to look after him because I had only moved there the year before from England, so I knew what it was like to be the new-kid in a small town. My dad got a job offer that paid almost double what he got in England, so we upped sticks and moved to America. Even through his timid exterior, I saw this fire in his eyes; that someday he would be a someone, and in that moment that I met him, I knew that he would get there. Little did I know that in the years to come, I would wish that he didn't have that spark.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
After he left for LA, to become Big Time Rush with Kendall, James and Carlos, I would just sit in room when my parents were out and the house was empty, listening as the rain hit the roof, watching as the raindrops rolled down the window pane. In those moments, it didn't bother me, being alone, the rain comforted me with the memories it held. Logan and I would play in the pouring rain for as long as we were allowed, laughing and joking and being kids.
There were days, now and then, in the months that followed Logan leaving that I just cried, and other days when I pretended that I was okay. I didn't feel bad when I cried, missing Logan, because my mother always said to me that it okay to cry every once in a while otherwise it all gets locked up inside of you until you can't take it anymore. The main things that upset me were the things that I should have been doing with Logan, like revising for some big test, or just going to the movies.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It wasn't missing Logan but still having to pretend that I was okay, that got me the most; that hurt the most. It was being so close to was what I wanted so badly and then having to watch my best friend walk away to a whole new life, with new chances, with new people, and without me. The day he told he that he was leaving to LA, had it gone the way I planned, would have been (hopefully) one of the best days of my life. I was going to tell him how I felt, that I was falling in love with him, but instead I told him that I was happy for him and that he better not forget me when he became famous, with thousands of girls screaming his name. The uncertainty bugged me, the not-knowing of what could've been if he had stayed, whether we'd have worked out together or not. Logan was the only one of our group of friends who didn't notice that I was falling for him, Kendall noticed, Harper noticed, James noticed (when he wasn't staring at himself in the mirror),Mollie noticed, Cassidy noticed, hell, even CARLOS noticed. Though, at the end of the day, I couldn't stop him from reaching his dream, even if it meant that he wouldn't be by my side anymore. Sometimes I felt selfish, wanting him to stay and I wasn't the only one, all the boys had girls that they left behind; Kendall had his girlfriend; Harper, James had his best friend/girlfriend/lover (they never used labels and didn't tell us anything); Mollie, and Carlos had his life-long friend; Cassidy. The four of us had always been friends but without the boys there; things didn't feel right and so we drifted apart, and found new friends but they could never replace our boys or each other.
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
People would say to Logan's parents, "Oh, you must miss your son so much," – They didn't say anything to me or the girls. Sometimes it felt like since Logan left, I was invisible and no-one saw me anymore. There were memories that I had shared with Logan and the others everywhere, and I'm not going to lie, it hurt to go to the places we used to hang out, but it was something that I couldn't avoid. I would see all his old hockey team around town and force this smile onto my face, and it would get harder each time that I had to do it. They'd ask me how I was, and I reply that I missed him but I knew that he was making his dream come true. It wasn't like that with the girls, all they'd have to do was look me in the eyes or smile slightly at me and I knew that they were feeling almost exactly the same as I was. Another thing that got harder over time was, well everything really, finding the will to get up in the morning, to get dressed, because every day I was living with this regret that I hadn't told Logan how I felt when I had my chance, The words that I left unspoken but saved in my heart.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
There was this one time when Logan came home for Christmas and I thought that God was giving me another chance to make things right, another chance to tell him. Then, he sat down beside me at our spot on the edge of town and he told me about his amazing girlfriend, Camille, about how funny, how pretty, how crazy she was and how much he loved her.
"Ally, she's amazing!"
"Ally, I love her so much!"
"I never knew what love was until I met her, Ally,"
I smiled and played along, told him that I was happy for him when I could feel my heart break, no shatter, into a million tiny fragments. That night, not for the first time, I cried myself to sleep because of Logan Mitchell. The next day, I couldn't bear to face to him, so I told my mom that I didn't feel well and that if Logan comes looking for me, to tell him that I wasn't up to seeing anyone. Kendall, being Kendall, didn't buy it and stormed into my room late that afternoon as I was eating chocolate and watching trashy Rom-Coms. He demanded to know why I wasn't spending time with them when they hadn't been home in months. All it took was me muttering Logan's name before his eyes softened and he understood completely,
"He told you about Camille," He stated rather than asked.
At the slight nod of my head he knew, taking me in his arms, swamping my 5'2" frame with his much larger one.
"I just want things to go back to the way they were Kenny, when there was no LA, no Camille and Logan was mine," I sobbed into Kendall's Chest as he held me close as if I was a small child.
"Alyss-Mae, listen to me," I lifted my head, "If Logan can't see that what was right in front of face was amazing and a million times better than Camille, then he is a Class A idiot, okay? Don't beat yourself up about it Wonderland,"
"Okay Kenny,"
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
As the last note rang from my lips, a voice startled me; "Kitty-Kat," bring me back to the recording booth at Roque Records in LA.
"Yes Teddy-Bear," I teased my producer, Gustavo Roque.
"I told you not to call me that Kat," He growled like a bear.
"Did you? Oh well, I still like it,"
"I was going to say that was very good but because of your cheek, you get a good-ish"
"Thank you Gustavo," I smiled.
"Better, now get out of my studio, I need to work in peace,"
Grabbing my purse, I called, "See-ya Kelly, Gustavo!" before walking out the door into the bright LA sun.
I felt two strong arms embrace me from behind; I knew exactly who it was.
"I heard you song – it was great. I'm sorry that I ever made you feel like that way and I promise you will never feel that way again," he whispered in my ear.
"Thank you. You should be sorry, and I'll hold you to that promise… Logiebear," I giggled.
"Oh you're going to get it Wonderland,"
"You've got to catch me first," I said before I broke free from his grip and took off running towards the place that I now call home: Palm Woods.
~5 years later~ (they are 23)
Turns out Camille wasn't as in to Logan as he was in to her, in other words, she was cheating on him. Kendall flew out to Minnesota and persuaded me that Logan needed me, dragging us all out to LA. I was sitting in the studio with the girls one day while the boys were recording, listening to my iPod and singing along when Gustavo ordered the boys out and me into the recording booth. Turned out Gustavo thought that I had a voice that he could work with and within a few months I had signed God-knows how many dollar recording contract and was working on my first album.
All those words that were previously left unspoken, aren't anymore, I told Logan everything. To my utter surprise; he shared (and still does share) my feelings, said he had for a long time he just didn't realise it. Logan and I aren't the only ones who are on their way to a happily-ever-after; Kendall and Harper are back together. James is, well, James, completely content with his hair, but he and Mollie are working things out, slowly. Carlos has (for once) got the girl; he's going strong with Cassidy. I don't know what the future holds for Logan and me, or any of us for that matter, but I'm happy in right now and whatever happens, happens.