Disclaimer: Here's a random fact: Shopping hurts my brain. Here's another random fact: I don't own Prince of Tennis, or any of the characters. :) Or the book mentioned.
Rating: PG, I'd say
Warnings: Shounen-ai/yaoi, occasional mild language, pure silliness, innuendo?
Summary: Well, when Akaya needs to de-stress, Sanada has only himself to blame for getting in the way. Right? ;p
Author's notes: Another Rikkai Drabblething. You don't have to have read the ones that come before this, but it might help a bit. The drabblething list goes:
Times of Stress
Passing the Time
How to ask out Marui Bunta
Four Days Later
October Ice
Because I Love You
Evil
Further Nonsense
Dear Diary
Kind of… the same
100 Word Challenges
Driver in a Hurry, Child in a Coma
Doctor, doctor!
The Woes of Solomon Grundy
I'm Not Going
The Little Things
I Had To
He WHAT?!
Operation: Christmas Party
Being Fukubuchou
Once Upon a Time
My Brother Bunta
Dear Diary: Living with Niou-senpai
A Morning at the Pool
This is Love
SFRR
And So It Begins
Most Unexpected
This Is March 5th
No Small Wonder
The Last Day Of A Stage in Life
Back to Basics
Blame it On the Damn Vodka
Papercuts
The Stuff of Myths
Finally Understood
Dear Diary: Beginning the Third Year
Operation: Disbelief
May 21st
The Collective Threads
A Minesweeper Kind of Mind
Sanada Hates Random
Massive hugs to everyone who was lovely enough to review 'A Minesweeper Kind of Mind'. Namely:
KiriharaAkaya (That OTP of yours wouldn't be your beloved Uke Pair, now would it…?), Cupid's Nightmare, KeikoHyuuga (I wouldn't pick me as a hero, dahl xDD), Hropkey (What's Kumon? n.n;;), Dazed Dreamer, The Magical Whatever, Blupenguin15, Blufox, Knoxvillej05, Ahotep, Endlessly/May-Linn, Critic (Thanks! n.n Hope you stick around), Pikke Wood, Simmy.xxx, Shadowinrw, Juz-a-reviewer and Merissala (… Ok, ok, you've twisted my arm. xD the 45th Drabblething is reserved for you. Happy:D). You're lovely, lovely folks. Also thanks to Desdi, who is lubbly. ;)
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There was an empty bag of crisps in the corner of the clubhouse. Yukimura would have put it in the bin, but it seemed much more worthwhile to watch Sanada spot it, open his mouth to order a first-year to tidy it up and then give a lengthy lecture about keeping the clubhouse tidy… and then remember that they weren't in junior high any more, hadn't been for months now, and he was in no position to give orders.
You got your entertainment any way you could in Rikkai.
"You look like you were attacked by Random," Yukimura commented as his friend sat tiredly down next to him, untying his tie with one hand and rubbing his temples with the other. "What happened?"
"Oh, I saw Akaya at lunchtime. You'll never guess what –"
"You saw Akaya? Genichiroh! Why didn't you come find me? I wanted to know how he's finding the third year captaincy."
"Yukimura, you ask him every time you see him. It probably hasn't changed since yesterday. Lord knows it hasn't changed in the last three months."
That got a raised eyebrow. Amused, Yukimura said, "I can't remember the last time you were short with me." He conveniently forgot to mention the incident with Atobe and Jirou. No sense in bringing that up now. "What did Akaya do to you?"
"Guess what his latest phase is."
Raising his eyes to the ceiling thoughtfully, and noting the damp patches that were starting to stain, Yukimura thought for a second before hazarding a guess. "Has he started up his haiku thing again? Or… mm, I don't know. Enlighten me."
"Personality tests of the most ridiculous sort. I was forced to imagine what percentage of a fruit salad I would be if I was the apple, and what colour balloon I'd be if I was a balloon, and what sort of fish I can identify most with."
Yukimura almost burst out laughing, but managed not to through sheer practised habit. "Poor Genichiroh. What did you answer for them?"
"I'm not going through that again. Ask Marui when he arrives; Akaya's been plaguing him with them the most."
"Speak of the devil and he shall cometh," Marui announced, strolling cheerfully through the door. "What were you saying?"
"You're not the devil," Niou snorted, right behind. "That would be fukubuchou, am I right?"
"Niou!"
"Sorry, sorry." Utterly, unashamedly unapologetic, Niou started to change into his practice uniform with a small smirk on his face.
"Genichiroh says Akaya's been giving you personality tests?" Yukimura said by way of a greeting.
"Oh, yeah," Marui nodded, looking enthusiastic. "They're pretty fun, you know."
"Which reminds me," Niou drawled, coming over to sit next to Yukimura on the bench. "Hiroshi's going to be late for practice today because he promised the bratling he'd fill all of them out. He thought there were only three, because that's how many I put up with before redirecting Akaya to him. Should've seen his face when the bratling pulled out a massive folder full of them from his bag."
"Poor Yagyuu. He puts up with a lot from you. You're not even sorry, are you?" Yukimura said, mildly reproachful (but secretly somewhat amused). He shook his head when Niou gave him a 'Sorry, I thought you were intelligent?' look. "I didn't think so."
"What started this phase off, anyway?" Sanada demanded from Marui. "I've never had to consider myself from the point of view of a fruit salad, and I think I could claim compensation for trauma because of it."
"Well, it's his way to de-stress, isn't it?" Marui said as though it was written in massive red letters on Sanada's cap. He always seemed to forget that most people weren't privy to the innermost workings of Akaya's mind. "And it's his way of putting off tennis club-related work, too. When he wants a break, he designs a personality test."
"He must not get any work done at all," Sanada muttered.
"Duh." Marui finished changed shoes and stretched. "Why do you think poor Hirosawa-kun looks so annoyed with him all the time? He ends up having to do all the paperwork. But of course he can't complain, because apart from that, Akaya makes a damn good buchou."
"What really?" Sanada sounded completely disbelieving.
"Yep. He's incredible at tennis, even if he can't run very fast any more thanks to his hip, he gives extra exercises and laps to people just for the hell of it which ends up making them pretty damn good too, no-one dares disobey him… the list goes on. And anything he's not good at, Hirosawa-kun makes up for. Such as, you know, persuading people not to quit the tennis club…"
Yukimura looked pleased, and a fond look crept over his face. "I'm so glad. I knew he'd make a good captain."
As though on cue, the clubhouse door swung open. A tired Yagyuu traipsed in – well, it was assumed that he was tired due to the marginally slower steps, but one could never really tell with the Gentleman. He was followed by Jackal and an impish-looking Akaya, who was indeed carrying a large blue folder full of papers.
"I guess I'd say my tennis bag," Jackal was saying. "Since it's got a lot of important stuff in there."
"What's this?" Marui asked curiously, not seeing Sanada and Yagyuu visibly twitch.
Akaya immediately perked up even further. "Do you have time before you have to start practice?" he asked hopefully.
Nodding, Yukimura pointed to the little sign on the wall. "Afternoon practice doesn't actually start until quarter past four, but we tend to come here straight after lessons finish out of habit. So we're free for another… about another thirty-five minutes, if you like."
Clearly delighted, Akaya settled himself on the bench. "Great! Then you can all do some of my personality tests," he said happily.
"I've already done them," Sanada said quickly. "I'll just go and –"
"You haven't done these ones," Akaya promised. "Ok, we'll go in a circle. Where's Yanagi-senpai?"
"He should be along any minute now," said Yukimura.
"Ok. So…" Akaya scanned down the page he had out before picking a question. "If you were a flute," he ignored the suspiciously whimper-like noise coming from Yagyuu, because of course it must have been a trick of the ear, "would you prefer to be upside-down or the right way up?"
"Upside-down," Niou said immediately.
"What was the question you were asking Jackal?" Marui asked.
"I'll do that next. What's your answer?"
Yukimura considered this a moment before saying, "Right way up, I suppose."
"Yeah, same," Marui said. "Otherwise I'd hurt."
"Same," Jackal agreed. "But only because I wouldn't be able to see much upside-down."
"You're a flute," Niou said dryly. "You don't have eyes to see."
"Flutes see through their fiddly bits," Jackal said wisely. Marui choked on his gum.
"Through their what?" he spluttered, looking incredibly entertained.
Jackal caught his mistake instantly and raised his hands, wide-eyed. "No, I meant the little knob things…" Marui burst into full-blown laughter. "Oh, shut up. You know what I mean."
"What do you think, fukubuchou?" Akaya asked, craning round Yukimura to see him. "Upside-down or not?"
"I'd rather be right way up," Sanada said pointedly, "but I would be upside-down in reality."
That got a tiny chuckle from Yukimura. "He has a point."
"Yagyuu-senpai?"
"Upside-down."
"Welcome to the Smart club," Niou said, raising a hand for a high-five which Yagyuu accepted, not unenthusiastically.
"See? I told you you had an inner Niou," Marui grinned.
Yagyuu gave him his best poker face. "Did I ever deny it?"
"Next question," Akaya announced before the pink-haired boy could reply. "How long could you hide in a barn before a cow or donkey found you?"
"Depends whether the cow and donkey are looking for you," Jackal said. "If they're not, then I'd say about twenty minutes."
"Only twenty?"
Jackal nodded. "Well, yes. Because if you stay in a barn for longer than that, then the barn hamsters will get you."
"What is it with you and hamsters?" Marui asked.
"Hamsters invented nuclear power," Niou chipped in. "And the Internet was run by hamsters until 1999."
"What, really?" Marui looked even more amused. "That explains why I found a hamster wheel inside my computer."
"But that doesn't make sense," Akaya argued. "What if the hamsters died?"
Niou waggled a finger at him. "They all got super powers from exposure to the nuclear waste that they created, you see."
"Oh…" Akaya considered this.
Yukimura gave Niou a mildly reproachful look, not seriously meant. "'Haru, don't feed Aka-chan lies."
"Why not?" Niou snorted. "Everyone else does. He still thinks his goldfish likes to listen to him talking at it ALL NIGHT LONG!" The last bit was yelled directly into Akaya's ear; evidently, this was a source of great annoyance to Niou.
"Well, she's lonely! If you let her talk to Not-A-Cat then I wouldn't have to talk to her."
"I don't want to ask," Sanada said reluctantly, "but I have to know, or I won't be able to sleep tonight. Who or what is Not-A-Cat?"
"Guess," Akaya said before Niou or anyone else could reply. "That can be another personality question."
"It's a dog, isn't it?"
Akaya looked scornful. "Don't be ridiculous, fukubuchou. Yagyuu-senpai?"
"I already know," Yagyuu said. "I actually bought it with him, you know."
"But 'Haru named it," Marui added.
"Is it an animal?" Sanada asked.
"Yep."
Sanada turned to Yukimura, who just gave a small shrug. "I know of Trousers, Mr Wiggles and Akaya's goldfish Haruhi. That's it."
"Mr Wiggles is a tarantula, right? So… is Not-A-Cat a spider of some sort?"
"No." Akaya looked like he was having a little too much fun with this. Sanada gave in.
"I give up. What is it?"
"No, you have one more guess," Akaya said. "Come on. It's easy."
"… A cat?"
That got him a very odd look from both Akaya and Niou.
"You did hear the name, right?" Niou said slowly.
"Well, yes! But I thought it could be some kind of strange, ironic, Niou-esque thing."
"It's a snail," Yagyuu said, taking pity on him.
"It's not just 'Haru's bad naming sense this time, either," Marui grinned. "Akaya thought it might meow because the snail in Spongebob Square Pants meows. And he and 'Haru got into an argument about it, so 'Haru named it Not-A-Cat."
"It was called It's-Not-A-Cat-You-Bloody-Idiot, but Hiroshi persuaded me to rename it," Niou said, jerking a thumb in Yagyuu's direction. "He said it was too long and 'didn't illustrate the point in a concise, understandable way'."
"… I now wish I'd had a sleepless night instead, but alright," Sanada said wearily.
Everyone looked up as the clubhouse door opened and Yanagi walked in, writing away in a little notebook. "Sorry I'm late," he said. "These personality tests of Akaya's are fascinating. Very good for collecting data. I was just interviewing Hirosawa-kun. Who, by the way, isn't happy with you for leaving afternoon practice to him."
"Pft. He'll probably be happy for the chance to have a tennis practice where nobody ends up bleeding at me," Akaya said dismissively. "He'll be fine."
"… I'm sorry, bleeding at you?" Sanada really didn't know when to leave well enough alone. One would have thought he'd have learnt by now.
"They get so annoyed or upset or frustrated or something that some of the more high-strung ones end up getting nosebleeds," Marui explained.
"Yeah," Akaya nodded. "Either that or they wish bleeding onto me. Never happens though. Or they start complaining at me which might as well be bleeding for all I care."
"Sponsored by Rikkai tennis club. If you claw your face off from frustration, you know we care," Niou drawled, imitating a tv advert.
"I think we should go back to the questions," Yukimura said, coming to Sanada's rescue. "What was the question you asked Jackal when you came in?"
"Oh, yeah! That was 'If there was a fire in your house, and you could only take out one thing, what would you take out?'. Jackal-senpai said his tennis bag."
"My little sister, I guess," Yukimura said.
"But she can walk by herself, so you have to choose something that can't move for itself."
"I know this question," Yanagi said suddenly. "It's a riddle-slash-exercise in lateral thinking."
Marui blinked. "An exercise in what?"
"Lateral thinking. The 'answer', insofar as there's a right answer, is the fire. You'd take the fire out."
"Needs a damn special kind of thinking to work that one out," Niou snorted. "In practice, of course you would, but you wouldn't think of that in a question."
"Well, that's why it's good."
"But what if the fire was really, really big?" Jackal asked. "Then you couldn't take it out."
"It's called water," Niou said. "Ever heard of that stuff? Wet, kids love it, splishy-splashy?"
"If it was that big, you'd call the fire brigade and get the hell out," Jackal countered.
"Unless the fire brigade all came down with arthritis and couldn't drive," said Marui.
"Arthritis?"
"That's not very likely at all," said Yanagi. "In fact, it's almost impossible."
"Well, ok, howsabout the whole fire brigade is taking care of a fire in an old people's home on the other side of the city? Then you'd be screwed."
"Pft," Niou snorted. "That wouldn't happen. Let them burn, I say. Have a wrinkly barbecue."
"That's a horrendously inappropriate thing to say!" Sanada barked.
"Cool it, fukubuchou. I was just kidding."
"… Except you weren't, were you?" said Yagyuu.
"Shut up, Hiroshi."
"Clowns," Akaya said suddenly.
Everyone, with the exception of Yanagi who was busy scribbling away in his notebook, turned to look at him.
"Clowns?" Marui repeated. "What?"
"The old people's home. It wouldn't burn because the visiting clowns would put it out."
"Oh, right, with their little squirty flowers," Jackal nodded. "Good thinking."
"What? No. They'd put the fire out because the fire would melt them."
"Oh dear lord," Sanada mumbled. "What?"
"Clowns melt at twenty-eight degrees," Akaya said, nodding firmly. "It said so in a book."
"Clowns melt at twenty-eight degrees?" Yukimura repeated faintly.
"Bratling," Niou said, as slowly and patronisingly as possible, "the book was called 'Great Lies to tell Small Kids'. Evidently, you didn't read the title."
"And this," Marui said, getting to his feet, "is why I love you. Come on, let's go play a quick match before practice starts."
"But I haven't finished giving you all personality questions," Akaya protested.
"Never mind. You can give us some more some other time. I think fukubuchou's brain is starting to dribble out of his ears, so let's go. Coming, Jackal?"
"Sure."
"Wait, so clowns don't melt at twenty-eight degrees?" Akaya asked.
"No. And Christians don't have a symbolic lobster statue that gives them advice."
Akaya felt his world start to tip sideways. "They don't?"
"No. They have a symbolic old Italian man that can create or destroy afterlives at will, apparently. He made it so limbo doesn't exist any more."
"The dance or the dead-baby place?"
"The dead-baby place. The Italian guy can't make dances appear or disappear at will."
"Pity. Maybe he could get rid of Morris dancing," Niou muttered, joining them on their way out. The four left, leaving behind a numbed Sanada, a pleased Yanagi, a somewhat nonplussed Yukimura and a Yagyuu-like Yagyuu (he was crying on the inside, as he would later confess to his golf clubs).
"Well," Yukimura said at last. "That was certainly very interesting."
"Does anyone else feel as though Akaya should be in elementary school?" Sanada said weakly.
Yukimura was quick to jump to his defence. "Akaya's just slightly gullible, that's all. He's perfectly mature in most aspects of his life."
"Like?"
"All aspects not involving gullibility," Yukimura said firmly. "Don't worry, Genichiroh, you'll feel better soon. You always recover after an hour or so."
"Have I introduced you to SFRR?" Yagyuu asked. "I think it's something you might find rather useful, Sanada. Let's go play a light warm-up match and I'll tell you all about it."
Sanada agreed; anything that would help him in any way at this point was something to be grabbed with both hands. The two left, after Sanada confirmed that Yukimura and Yanagi would join them soon.
"Ah, Akaya always seems to make any day feel brighter," Yukimura said contentedly. "He does believe the oddest things, though. I nearly burst out laughing."
"Well, you hear the most random things sometimes," said Yanagi.
"Mm."
The sound of tennis balls being hit against racquets started to sneak into the clubhouse through the window. The two listened to it in companiable silence for a few moments.
"Venus is made entirely out of felt," Yanagi said suddenly. He kept a perfectly straight face on as Yukimura raised his eyebrows at him.
Making himself match Yanagi's politely serious expression, Yukimura answered, "Milk feels pain."
"Horses are camels that joined Weight Watchers."
"Tomatoes watch you in the shower."
Unable to keep up the game, Yanagi broke into a wide grin and laughter. Yukimura followed suit, and the two spent the next fifteen minutes unable to stop laughing long enough to speak.
Good thing they got the outward laughter under control by the time the other highschool club members started coming in, otherwise there might have been serious reconsiderations about Yukimura's upcoming captaincy. After all, you don't have to be sane to lead, but it probably helps.
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Sandy: Look up Morris dancing on YouTube if you don't know what it is. Really.
And, as ever, rubbish ending sentences -.-;; Someday, I'll get the hang of writing good endings, honest to god...
Please, please leave a review! If you could quote your favourite bit from this or any other Drabblething in your review as well, that'd be fantasmical. But of course, you don't have to – any review is good. Apart from flames, which will be attached to the next fic with a lengthy essay in my defence. n.n But yeah, anything other than that is always, always loved.
Oh, and I do aplogise for the title… I was gonna call it 'Personality', but decided against it, then couldn't think of anything else to call it. n.n;; So sorry for it. If it hurt your face, please let me know and I'll send you some free ointment for it.
Until next time!