A/N: This started out in the What to do When... guide I was working on, when I thought these two up. Couldn't resist posting them. Rated T for two or three strong words.
Torchwood issued Anti-Annoyance Guide by Dr. Owen Harper
Why I'm writing this?
Hm... Maybe because I'm bored and two of my team members are annoying
the shit out of me?
Anyways most of these tips are bound to make them
either shut up or leave you alone for a while.
What to do when... Ianto won't shut up:
1 - Stopwatch. Nuff said. Give Ianto a stopwatch and he's happy.
2 - Tell him to shut up
3 - Send him off to bother Jack. He'll be away for quite a while and you'll get peace and quiet in return
4 - Ask for coffee/tea
5 - Bother him (as in constantly poke him, 'accidentally' spill your coffee over his shirt etc. Endless possibilities.)
6 - Go out into the field for God's sake! Use occupational therapy as an excuse
7 - Tape his mouth shut, if you're going for the drastic measures
8 - Tell him to shut up again
9 - Tell him Jack ran off with his 'Doctor' again
What to do when... Jack's being a pain in the arse:
1 - Tell him Ianto's waiting for him with a stopwatch. Apparently there are many uses to a stopwatch...
2 - Slap him silly
3 - Shoot him (He's immortal anyway!)
4 - Kill him in another way besides shooting him. (Like I said; immortal!)
5 - Tell him he's being an annoying fuck
6 - Hack his wrist device and make it beep till it drives him mad
7 - Get him to sing songs like Anything Goes or Your Song
8 - Make him change clothes in a parking garage. He's probably going to show off his body to passing cars (A/N Check Youtube: A day in the life of John Barrowman episode 4)
So that's it (for now). Reviews make me happy.