Title: Closure
By: Sei-chan-1999/Darkest Symphony
Summary: We have the power to create our own worlds. Sometimes our worlds act as sanctuaries that shield us from the carnage outside. Other times, they ensnare us and don't release us till there's nothing left to salvage.
Warning: Adult themes, Dark SubKam, sexuality, violence, horror images, frequent references to death.
Rating: M
Disclaimer: If I owned X/1999, I'd own a fat boxes of expensive Copic markers and ink pens and sketch pages of manga everyday. I don't. Quod erat demonstrandum, I don't own X.
XXX
Kamui wakes up when Subaru accidentally kicks him in the middle of the night, dislodging the sheets and sitting up quickly next to where he still lays half-unconscious.
He tries to grab the older man's arm and playfully drag him back down, but to his shock, Subaru pushes him away roughly and pulls the sheets over his head.
"Don't move from here," he orders in a whisper and Kamui nods quickly, his heart pounding as vision is cut away from him.
He strains his ears instead, hearing the almost muffled noises as Subaru stands and quietly opens the door. He's obviously trying to keep his movements as muted as possible, but apart from that, Kamui hears other noises.
They aren't alone.
Lights snap on outside and Kamui tries to steady his breathing as he imagines Subaru face to face with the faceless intruder in their house.
"What are you doing here?"
Sumeragi Subaru. He sounds as calm as ever and this comforts him at least. The Final Day is over and Kamui wonders if their visitor is someone who'd been a Dragon of Earth, but there had been three left alive at the last count so he doubts it.
A hurried movement from the stranger, the sound of a quick blow and then a thud as someone hits the floor and Kamui bites his lip hard, fists clenched, squeezing his eyes shut in fear as his heart tries to break out of him, although he doesn't even know why he's so petrified; he is the one who represents the Majesty of God, for God's sake.
"Kamui, it's all right!"
At the sound of the call, Kamui jerks out of bed and runs into the illuminated living room, trying to adjust to the bright light. He sees Subaru gesturing him forward from where he stands over an unkempt stranger who lies facedown on the floor.
He runs into Subaru's arms and tries to hide there but around the Sumeragi, he's always been a terrible actor.
Subaru lifts his tear-stained face and frowns at him in concern.
"What's wrong?" he asks gently, "You know I wouldn't have let him hurt you."
"How did he get in?" Kamui asks, ignoring the enquiry, angrily rubbing his face with his hands.
Subaru eyes the front door, wide open to the night beyond and winces.
"I forgot to lock it," he admits, "I'm so sorry, Kamui."
It is a painful strike if a little misaimed, considering the fact that it takes nearly all of his resolve and courage to actually hit Subaru, but the next second they are six feet apart, with the unconscious stranger acting as a kind of barrier between them, Subaru's hand over his stomach as he stares in amazement and Kamui stands there, shaking in fury.
"That's all you can say?" he demands, "You leave the front door wide open at night and think it's okay because you apologize? What if I'd been alone?"
"Kamui!"
"What if you hadn't woken up?" Kamui yells loud enough that he's sure that the man passed out would get up and complain about the noise, but goes on, "He could've killed both of us-"
He's cut off for when Subaru pushes him into the sofa and grips his shoulders tight enough to almost hurt.
"If you'd been alone," Subaru tells him patiently as he writhes, "I wouldn't have been able to stop you from killing him. You don't have any reason to panic."
Kamui looks down at his bare feet and the Sumeragi sits by him as he pulls a phone towards himself to call the police.
"Not anymore," Kamui mutters and feels the older man pause beside him.
"What did you say?" Subaru asks, replacing the receiver as he turns to face him.
"I don't have my powers anymore," Kamui admits, rubbing his eyes, "I don't know…I just lost all of them about a month ago."
And he knows that this will be the prelude for their first and most terrifying fight since they moved in together half a year ago.
He isn't disappointed.
"You hid this from me for a month?" Subaru demands and he's furious, "Do you even understand what you've done?"
Kamui shrinks away and for a terrible moment, he's sure Subaru is going to hit him, but then his mind corrects him; no, this is Subaru, he'd never hurt you, don't you remember?
"I didn't want to," Kamui breathes and considers praying that the man wakes up and distracts Subaru, "I didn't lie to you, Subaru, I never would."
And he realizes that he's said the worst thing possible.
"You didn't lie to me, Kamui," Subaru says and there's an unpleasant edge to his voice, "You deceived me. And between the two, I prefer the former."
Kamui swallows hard and he's still shivering, because this is worse than the possibility of the intruder murdering them, but he stands up/
"I can leave," he offers and the door is open anyway, inviting him back into the dark world but Subaru slams it shut before he can take a step and points him to his seat.
"Why?" he asks as Kamui stands there, "I want to know."
Kamui looks away and wonders exactly how hard Subaru hit the man; any normal human should really be up by now, maybe this one is particularly drunk, or he could be pretending and waiting for a chance to jump-
"Kamui-"
"I was scared," Kamui confesses in a spill of words, half in Japanese and half in English and then blindly rushes on, "I'm worthless now, Subaru. I have nothing to protect myself with and I didn't want you to know that; to know that you have to work more than you do to take care of me now-"
He's interrupted as someone hits the doorbell and when Subaru checks the intercom, it's the police and he sighs and shuts his eyes hard for a second, like he's trying to repress a headache, but opens the door.
"The neighbors reported a disturbance from this apartment. They said that there were shouts from a boy-"
"I apologize. A man broke in and there was a struggle."
Three officers step in and take in the scene and Kamui watches as they talk to Subaru in turns, make him sign sheets and then bear away the person, before courteously bidding them a good night.
Yeah, right, Kamui thinks, surly, as Subaru tiredly locks the door after them and then faces him once more.
"I see," is all he says to his charge, picking up the conversation from exactly where they left off and Kamui looks up at him with his fists clenched, defiant, waiting for the final verdict as Subaru studies him without any expression.
Subaru softly pushes him in the direction of the bedroom and Kamui stumbles as he's guided, confused.
"Bed," the Sumeragi orders sternly, "We'll discuss this when you can keep your eyes open."
Kamui is too stunned to protest and lets Subaru tuck the crumpled sheets around him in silence. After flicking off the lights, he settles down behind him and sighs in frustration.
"Subaru," he begins, "I'm sorry-"
"Not a word, Kamui," Subaru warns him quietly and he obediently goes quiet.
Kamui eventually relaxes as the night's excitement leaves him exhausted and worn out both physically and emotionally. Finally, sleep comes to claim him for its own and Subaru pulls him close just as the dreams take over.
XXX
"I didn't mean to lose control like that," she says and bows in apology to the four men seated before her, "Forgive me."
The man on the edge of the sofa tries to soothe the infant in his lap but the sight of her distressed mother is making her restless and squirmy in turn.
"After three years," he asks the police officer beside him, "He was right here the whole time?"
"Yes," a social worker confirms, "They found Shirou-san when they were inspecting the buildings before demolition."
The two of them exchange looks and somehow reach a silent agreement like that.
"Hotaru-san wouldn't mind watching her for a few hours," Sorata says, pointing at the child, and Arashi nods in agreement.
"We'll be ready in a few minutes," she promises and goes to get their coats.
"How did he get in?" Sorata asks as he stands and the baby's scream rises to a crescendo.
"The whole place was damaged after the 1999 Earthquakes," the police officer explains as Arashi returns and hands him the coat, "The row of apartments must've been deserted, making it accessible."
"Shinjuku," Arashi says, taking her daughter and hushing her as Sorata forces an arm through the sleeve of his jacket, "If we go by the train, it shouldn't take long."
"We brought a car to escort you," another officer interjects, "It'll be faster that way."
Sorata thanks them and Arashi pulls a worn business card out of her purse, scanning the details with a frown.
"Block D, Flat 605?" she confirms and everyone stares at her. Even the baby stops whimpering, like she's said something positively earth shattering.
"How did you know?" Sorata asks and Arashi hands him the card.
It's close to five years old.
It belonged to Sumeragi Subaru.
XXX
"What are you listening to?"
Kamui jumps, yanking off the ear-buds in surprise and then grimaces at the sensation.
He stares up at Subaru who looks down at him in amusement.
"It's nothing," Kamui says hurriedly, feeling himself color at the thought of telling the older man that he had been listening to that band. It was technically meant for pre-teen girls, but sounded good and there hadn't been much option anyway.
"Shall I take a guess?" Subaru asks leisurely and Kamui glares.
"If you say X Japan, I'm going to kill-"
Subaru actually gets the name right on the first try and Kamui gapes, open mouthed. He briefly considers lying, but then rejects the idea.
Subaru kneels in front of Kamui with a smile and tilts his face upward, obviously relishing the fact that he's completely flushed.
"Turn down the volume next time," he advises, "It's bad for your ears."
"There was nothing else to listen to!" Kamui blurts out, pointing at the bulky laptop, "I swear, I don't even like that kind of thing."
Subaru laughs and takes the laptop for himself.
"I could play you some of my favorites," he offers and that makes Kamui's breath hitch for some reason.
"I'd like that," he admits and he does. Listening to Subaru's music; it's like getting to know him all over again, but in a different way. It's powerfully sweet and intimate and Kamui offers him an ear bud so they can share the experience at the same time.
XXX
"There's one missing," the police officer explains, just as Arashi opens her mouth to point it out.
He gives the plastic packet to Sorata who stares at the (half) earphones nestled inside, with 'EVIDENCE' stamped in red on the surface.
"We found the missing bud in the trash," he explains, "We believe that he threw this part away deliberately and only used one part of it."
"How can you be so sure?" Arashi asks.
"Shirou-san was nearly deaf in one ear," he says, "But his other ear had no such defects."
"And you know this because….?" Sorata starts skeptically and Arashi can't help thinking that some things about him never change. She's glad.
The officer studies him coolly.
"The post-mortem report," he says simply.
XXX
As soon as Subaru slides under the sheets with him, Kamui understands what's desired from him. He feels that avaricious need hanging low and heavy in the air around them, when arms wrap around his abdomen, dragging him up against a tensed body, the other's arousal pressing against his bottom. The sensation makes him arch and want to twist closer to Subaru, holding him near as an equal, but that's not what Subaru wants tonight.
These are the moments when he feels like a child again, a child forced into pleasuring an adult nine years older to him because this is still new for him and he's not sure if he's ready for it yet.
He's tired of not being sure about anything.
Subaru's hand comes to his front, caressing the front of his pants as his face presses into the back of Kamui's neck and Kamui guides his fingers, a silent part of himself making the act consensual that way.
Subaru strokes him evenly, keeping everything under flawless control as he restrains Kamui's hands from behind, so all he can do is struggle and make those pained noises he would've never imagined himself uttering otherwise. He just lets Subaru indulge himself.
When he's completely exposed and gasping for breath, on the edge of release, Subaru lets go of him and Kamui shudders and tries to keep from complaining. Instead, he helps Subaru take off his own clothes without fumbling and then they're on their sides again and fingernails stab into his back, making long cuts, soggy little scars and searing scratches as he cries out, but pushes harder into Subaru's hold anyway, trying to enjoy the pain.
He knows that if he tries harder, he'll want it eventually.
Kamui knows that there isn't anything there to be prepared with so he tries to coax his mind into accepting the agony that will come, when Subaru makes him lie on his back and spread his legs. There's a sticky sensation and he wonders if Subaru's actually hurt him this time while-
He screams and instinctively fights as he's driven into.
Subaru kisses him while it happens, but also forces his mouth shut because they can't afford to be found like this. The minutes pass, with only a breathless sob or two bursting out of him when Subaru slips and Kamui is burning up in humiliation, because he knows all too well that the older man hasn't reached where he already has and there's nothing more they can do about that tonight.
He freezes suddenly and Kamui chokes. Subaru removes his hand from the younger boy's body and snaps on a light.
When Kamui turns to see what's wrong, he notices that the switch is stained with his blood.
XXX
"How did he ever sleep here?" Arashi asks, her voice trembling ever so slightly and Sorata puts an arm around her shoulder, which she doesn't immediately shove away, despite the fact that the authorities are still with them.
"He did," Sorata says, "For almost four years."
"The wall is falling apart next to the bed," Arashi points out, "There are nails and splinters everywhere. His back would've been torn to shreds if he so much as moved the wrong way."
"It was," the officer says too matter-of-factly and Sorata resists the temptation to punch him in the face. Arashi must have sensed it, because she takes his rigid fingers in her own.
"Maybe he wasn't alone," Sorata spits out suddenly, "Nobody could live like this alone. Maybe the two of them really were-"
"They investigated," Arashi says quietly, "Sorata, they took samples. They tested fluids for DNA. Kamui was by himself till the end."
His fingers go limp in hers.
"What about the other rooms?" she asks in a louder voice and they continue the tour.
XXX
"I'm making breakfast," Subaru says and goes to the kitchen, "It'll be ready soon."
Kamui ignores the politely worded hint and follows him anyway.
"Are you sure its safe?" he asks, "The gas connections and stuff are still screwed up from the Earthquakes."
"It's fine," Subaru replies absently as he scrapes a match off the counter and then twists the sooty knob of the stove.
He lights the stick on a piece of sandpaper taped to the wall and gently brings the flame closer to the stove.
Kamui can smell the gas from where he's standing and cries out, but he's too late.
The explosion throws the charred remains of the man at him and then the fire thunders down on-
"Subaru!"
He screams the name and thrashes and to his relief, he's sitting on the sofa and Subaru is trying to restrain him and keep him from falling over.
"The stove," Kamui stammers in alarm, "Subaru, don't use it, the earthquakes broke the lines, they're still unsafe for using and-"
Subaru hugs him tightly and lets him talk his way to nonsense, just whispering, "I know, I know," over and over again.
"Does it still hurt?" the older man asks after Kamui is less disoriented, gesturing to the raw burn that's now throbbing under his shirt after the sudden exertion. He shakes his head because he knows that there's no place to buy medicine anymore even if he wanted Subaru to leave him and get it.
"It's stupid," he complains, leaning his head against Subaru's chest and scowling as the older man rubs his back, "I survived the end of the Earth and almost get killed by a faulty kitchen appliance."
XXX
"Carbon monoxide poisoning," the officer says unnecessarily, because the paper is right in front of Sorata's face, "It's an element that can cause suffocation and death, usually originating from stoves, fireplaces, the exhaust pipes of cars and so on, accumulating in closed spaces."
Sorata is sorely tempted to make him shut up by telling him that Carbon Monoxide is a compound, not an element, but Arashi does it for him and accepts the cold glare as a reward.
"Shirou-san would've died peacefully in his sleep without any pain," the medical expert who's joined them adds.
"Of course," Sorata agrees, putting down the laminated report, "You were right there with him, weren't you?"
Arashi is the only one who sees tears shining in his eyes before he abruptly turns towards the dilapidated bathroom.
XXX
Over the years of living together in these neo-ruins, they've shared many moments.
None of them quite as unusual as this one.
Subaru comes out of the restroom and shuts the door firmly. His cheeks are a little pink and Kamui gazes at him questioningly from their half completed board game on the floor.
"The toilet's stopped working," Subaru says passively and Kamui blinks.
"You mean the flush?" Kamui asks, because the silence seems to stretch on forever.
"Yes," Subaru admits, "I tried everything I could think of."
"Did you kick it?"
The Sumeragi raised an eyebrow.
"Is that a way of resolving the situation?"
"Sometimes. Or it just makes you feel better."
"I see. I think it'll work once the tank fills up in an hour or so."
"Damn," Kamui mutters, "I really needed to go."
And they burst out laughing.
Kamui ends up sprawled on the floor when his stomach begins to cramp from the effort to control himself and when he raises an arm, he upsets the board game by accident, knocking all his winning pieces to the floor.
That shuts him up and Subaru, if it's possible, laughs harder.
XXX
"It's very considerate of you to take all this trouble," Arashi tells the small group of professionals thronging around the hall of Subaru-san's apartment, "I apologize for my husband and myself; it's just that this is something we never expected-"
They all try to console her and assure her at the same time and before she has to reply to each one in turn, Sorata calls for her from the restroom and Arashi groans internally.
"Arisugawa-kun," she says slowly, emphasizing on the title, "I hope I'm grossly underestimating your standards when I predict that you used the toilet in there."
There's a nervous laugh from the other side.
"Of course not, Missy!" he says and they're teenagers again, living together in a mansion with the others as the millennium came closer and closer each day, "I just need a bottle of water. Actually, a few. You know, touring new houses is a lot of work and I might get dehydrated from all the walking around-"
Arashi leaves him there, gritting her teeth.
XXX
The second time it happens, years after the other time, Kamui is the first to wake. He sits upright and listens in the dark, straining his senses, but he's not wrong.
Someone's broken in again.
"Subaru," he whispers and tries to shake the older man awake, but his hand hits the lumpy mattress instead of warm skin and fear latches to his heart, weighing it down and eating his breath.
Sumeragi Subaru died in 1999.
He'd never been with him at all.
Trying to push down the sound of his own wheezing breaths, Kamui puts his ear to the door and listens to what he can, over the sound of his heart.
No, there's no door either. It rotted and fell off its hinges a few months ago. He scratches his arm hard to bring himself back to reality.
Thankfully, the intruder's footsteps fade away, towards another room and Kamui walks into the wrecked hallway, making out the back of the stranger fading into the hallway just as he enters.
They've missed each other by seconds.
And Kamui doesn't know what to do. The first intruder hadn't been an intruder at all; it was a role play performed beautifully in his mind; one that showed him everything that could happen and what precautions he had to take since he wasn't The Kamui anymore.
Just…a boy.
He whimpers.
He can't take this anymore. He can't run outside when he hasn't seen the outside world in years. He scavenged food from the neighboring flats that were left abandoned and if he runs, he knows he'll be caught.
Kamui closes his eyes to regain his composure, before opening them and walking to the kitchen.
He turns on the stove and the blue flames are born. He keeps a hand over his still unsteady heart and looks for some bread and a pan.
His sixth sense prickles during his search and he turns to see the intruder still shrouded by shadows, watching him carefully from the end of the hallway.
"Subaru!" he smiles, "I'm making dinner since I was hungry. Do you want some?"
He takes a step forward to invite Subaru into the kitchen, but a particularly evil floorboard he's forgotten about finally gives up under his feet and Kamui yells as he falls through the jagged gap.
He's trapped up to his arms and it takes all his strength to stretch them towards solid ground to stay suspended in the gap and not fall god knows how many feet to what precarious ruins wait below.
The kitchen is getting hotter by the second and he's sweating. The smell of gas gets more acrid.
Subaru doesn't bother to help him to his feet, doesn't even increase his pace as he comes closer and closer and Kamui isn't really that surprised.
Subaru simply pulls the door shut and locks it from outside.
XXX
Neither of them sleep that night or the night after that.
Sorata keeps making excuses to get up and check on their daughter and Arashi keeps the lights on, absently playing with her hair until the strands grow frizzy.
"You read the Psychiatric Report, right?" Sorata asks at last and Arashi nods. It hadn't made much sense.
"Closure," she says at last, "Kamui never found it and he tried to create it for himself. In the end, it drove him insane."
"He should've come to us," Sorata says again, exactly what he's been saying for years.
"He wouldn't have found Closure here either," Arashi points out, "He would've lived, searching endlessly for the same thing and never getting it."
"So this is for the best?" Sorata demands and Arashi thinks at how he's suddenly like her now; demanding, dissatisfied and uncomfortable with everything.
And so, she takes on his role.
"Think about it this way," she says, "He and Sumeragi-san are probably laughing together at how you used enough water to flood Tokyo to get their toilet to flush."
Sorata laughs lightly at that.
"You're learning from me," he says proudly and she smiles. He gets up again and Arashi lets him have that escape. He returns with two steaming glasses and gives one to her.
"Tea," he announces, but when she takes a small sip, she realizes he's forgotten the actual leaves.
Arashi feels that he wants to change the subject so she asks about the teaching job then. Sorata complains as usual but it's clear that he loves it despite everything.
"You have the power to create your own world," Sorata concludes blearily as he shuts his eyes and places the empty cup on the bedside table, "Make sure it's a good one."
"It is," Arashi says and watches the stars through the windows. Sorata doesn't hear her. He's already snoring.
Alone for a bit, she admires the proud seven that link them all together, be they on Heaven or Earth.
That's good enough for her.
She can sleep at last.
The End
XXX
Author's Note:
I'm sorry it's been a while since I wrote or posted. I had my 11th grade exams and that was really taking up my life.
This is easily the most twisted fic I've written so far and came about because of classes/discussions on Freud's Defense Mechanisms in Psychology Class and my own experiences with them.
Please read and review. Also, I'm taking on X/1999 Subkam requests, if anyone's interested.
It's great to be back and I'm always happy to meet new and old X fans alike.