Me, Myself, and I
Or, The Good, the Bad, and the Well-Intentioned-But-On-The-Whole-Ineffectual
Diary of Henry Jekyll, Doctor
17 May
Yes, the experiment was a success in the beginning— I now see that it has turned bad, and the ensuing chaos turns my blood to ice in my veins. Only yesterday Hyde escaped me— forced my body to turn from that of your average thoughtful-doctor type to the crouching-leering-unrestrained-animal sort, and then went on, for his despicable encore, to attempt to seduce my fiancee. The most annoying part of this whole regrettable scenario was that she apparently squealed, "Oh, Henry, I've been waiting for you to do something like this!" and went along with his dastardly suggestions. I am, of course, far too well bred to ever do something of that nature, and the very idea fills me with disgust.
I do wish, however, that he would tell me what it was like.
Very irritating creature, Hyde.
Diary of Edward Hyde, Sexy Beast
Who the bloody'ell cares what day it is?
Once again I find myself escaped from that sop of a doctor. Rather easy, really, as secretly he enjoys being me. Yes— yes— when I take over the body we share, I can feel his mind succumb willingly, even as his fiancee did not too long ago. That idiot Jekyll had the gall to ask me (with a voyeuristic hope in his voice) what it was like.
I told him to stop talking to himself and try and regain some thin facade of sanity.
That shut him up for the rest of the day— at least as regards me, for he did keep muttering worriedly to himself. I daresay I disturbed his peace of mind.
Or— do I mean piece?
Muahahaha! Muahahahahahahahahaaaaa!
Diary of Henry Jekyll, Noble Scientist
19 May
An accord has been reached. We shall simply alternate the days that we have control of my body. I suppose, now, I should say 'our' body— but it seems I cannot give up total ownership just yet. After all, mine is the prior claim, and I must admit I still cling to some hope of eradicating Jekyll once and for all.
Most likely, since we also share this diary, I should not have written that down.
Diary of Edward Hyde, Hawt Man
I saw that, you twit.
Diary of Henry Jekyll, Fighter for the Common Good
21 May
Well, I am sorry, but it is not in me to lie. I shall fully state my intent as follows:
1. To eradicate that scourge, Hyde.
2. To preserve my virginity until my wedding night.
3. To conceive a potion that shall distill in me the general goodness of human kind. Having created Hyde, I wish to create as well a new persona for myself that shall result in a gentle, noble facade, instead of an evil being as my counterpart is. In fact, I wish to create someone who will spread everlasting love and effusive peace to his brothers.
Diary of Edward Hyde
Re 1: Well, in that case, I intend to enjoy my time on this earth to the very fullest extent.
Re 2: Too late.
Re 3: Sod off, you pansy.
Muahahaha! Muahahahahahahahahaaaa!
Diary of Henry Jekyll
I admit that life has been somewhat simpler since we agreed to alternate days we had control of the body, but for the life of me I cannot understand why I keep waking up on my day with a hangover! It seems highly unfair, unjust in the extreme!
Diary of Edward Hyde, Party Animal
Its nine in the morning. Think I'll get drunk and shag somebody.
Diary of Henry Jekyll
Hyde shall be the death of me, I swear by all that his holy! Apparently yesterday in the street he attempted to hire the services of a prostitute! Not even a good-looking one! A fat ugly prostitute! Of course, I'm certain she has a good personality. But really! A fat ugly prostitute!
The upshot of this is that he— or I— or we— was arrested by a nearby member of Her Majesty's Secret Vice Squad and carted away to jail. I have the deepest suspicions that the fat ugly prostitute was in fact Lord Dunesbury, Chief of Scotland Yard, in drag. And so, to add insult to injury— or possibly the other way around, since the fat ugly prostitute also kicked Hyde in a rather sensitive location in response to his indecent suggestion— which only reaffirms my condemnation of Hyde as a cad of the first water. How truly appalling must you be to make a suggestion that would be viewed as indecent by a prostitute?— I woke up this morning in jail.
I was not happy.
The man on duty was quite surprised to see me there, but detained me for six hours more, just on general principles. Innocent until proven guilty, his Aunt Fanny! I even said that.
"Innocent until proven guilty, your Aunt Fanny!" I said.
The hulking young officer looked at me with the beginnings of anger in his eyes.
"Just you watch what you say about my Aunt Fanny!" he said.
And then he kept me for a bit more.
Needless to say, when I got home tonight I was quite put out. I shall go to bed now and hope that tomorrow goes better. Hyde is pushing me to my limits—
Diary of Edward Hyde
Cor, you don't half talk a blue streak, do you, you pansy doctor?
Diary of Henry Jekyll
Alright, that's it, mister! I'm making a new potion!
Diary of Edward Hyde
Ooooh, I'm shaking in my little booties.
Think I'll go find another hooker.
Muahahaha! Muahahahahahahahahahahaaa!
Diary of Henry Jekyll
Oddly enough, the new potion appears to be something of a success! The new personality showed itself for a quarter hour yesterday, pausing Hyde in the middle of something that he undoubtedly thought was rather important. I like the new boy already.
His name is Simon and he's— cheerful.
Diary of Edward Hyde
Listen, kid, you stop me in mid-shag like that again and you'll be peeing through a sieve.
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
I'm trying to wipe the blank look off my face but— is peeing through a sieve good or bad?
Here, have a flower.
Diary of Henry Jekyll
It doesn't sound very nice. May I have a flower as well?
Diary of Edward Hyde
You want a piece of me?
Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.
Speaking of horns. Where'd Angelina go?
Muahaha! Muahahahahahahaha!
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
Listen, brothers, why was there a young woman in the bed when I awoke this morning? It disturbed me deeply.
And Brother Edward, I'd appreciate it if you could clothe yourself decently before going to bed. I do hate waking up... unclothed. It is highly uncomfortable for me.
On another note, I hope you all enjoy your days! I've made some cookies. They're on the counter.
Diary of Henry Jekyll
My potion has, indeed, worked quite well! I find that this new persona is gentle, loving, caring, interested, concerned, noble, compassionate, sentimental, mild-mannered, and basically, all things a good man should be.
Except that he didn't wash out the bowl after he made cookies.
I confess myself rather incensed by this.
Diary of Edward Hyde
You're both morons and I'm not talking to you.
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
Thank you, Brother Henry, and I'm terribly sorry about the bowl! I can't believe I could make a mistake that enormous! I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me!
And Brother Edward, I forgive you freely for calling me such an insensitive name. I sense a great deal of anxiety in you. Would you like a hug?
Diary of Henry Jekyll
I am not a moron, Hyde! I resent that a great deal! I am in fact a brilliant example of a human being!
Diary of Edward Hyde
Still not talking to you morons.
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
Come now, that's no way to behave, brothers! Sweetness and light!
Diary of Henry Jekyll
Fine, I'm not talking to you either. Either one of you. You both disgust me. I'm going to elope with my housemaid and kill myself on my wedding night. I'm sick of life.
Diary of Edward Hyde
Thought you said you weren't talking?
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
(looks back and forth between the two)
Diary of Henry Jekyll
I'm not!
Diary of Edward Hyde
Moron.
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
I can see that it is my place to make peace between us all, brothers! I think I'll start by telling a joke.
Ah, here's a good one. You know what we remind me of? The good, the bad, and the ugly. You know what they say about the good, the bad, and the ugly? the good is good, the bad is bad, and the ugly can't get a date to save his life!
Ha ha! Ha! Ha!
Diary of Henry Jekyll
Shut up.
Diary of Edward Hyde
Shut up.
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
I think you both need a hug.
Diary of Henry Jekyll
The two of you have completely killed my enthusiasm and passion for life, do you realize that?
Diary of Edward Hyde
Good, you moronic pansy little twit. I hate you. I hate the other one too, flouncing around handing out flowers. What's a guy got to do around this bloody city to get some bad whiskey and a good shag?
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
I think I'm going to cry—
Diary of Henry Jekyll
I've made my decision: I shall end it all. I shall kill myself right off. Murder. No— suicide. Yes, that's it.
Diary of Edward Hyde
Do it. I dare you.
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
I spent my entire day crying in bed! There's snot all over the pillows! Thanks a lot, guys!
Diary of Henry Jekyll
I do not respond to such childish things as dares.
Diary of Edward Hyde
Then I double-triple-dipple-pug-in-a-rug-phallic-symbol dare you.
Muahaha! Muahahahaha... oh.
Diary of Simon Hepplewhite
Mother of mercy! Is this the end of Rico?