As Jack lay in bed he heard Carl crying for what seemed like the fifteenth time in three hours. It seemed like every time he got the baby settled, five minutes later he would wail again and Jack was close to breaking point. Not just because off his son, but because of everything that was happening. He couldn't handle in anymore; it was all just too much.
Jack threw the covers off him, wincing as his stitched wound ached. That was just another reminder of a night that he wished he could wipe clean from his memory... but he couldn't. There was no denying it. The events of that night would remain etched in his brain until his dying day. As he trod heavily to the baby's nusery next to his room, Jack was struggling to hold himself together. The fatigue, grief and crying of his son just made him feel like he was losing his grip completely.
The sight of Carl in his cot made his heart ache even more. He used to think that it was impossible for one person to feel so much pain but yet there he was. It felt as of evey inch of his body hurt. Picking up his son again, Jack felt his red and sore eyes sting with new tears. He sat down in the rocking chair and began swaying gently. He was never as aware of his loss than when he was with the child he fathered with Amanda. Carl whimpered briefly before he stopped crying completely. The baby reminded Jack of her and the life he almost had. He knew his son felt the loss deeply too, even if he was too young to understand it fully. The woman that had carried, given birth and cared so much for him was gone forever.
"I miss her so much," he sobbed, staring into the brown eyes of his son that were exactly like his mothers. Thinking about that night made him sick. His wife, his sweet and kind Amanda, had died to save him. Jack didn't want to leave without her but she untied the rope so there would be some chance that he would survive, even if she didn't. He often contemplated his dying that night too. If he did then they probably be together now. As much as he longed for that with every fibre of his being, he was glad that Carl wouldn't have to grow up without both of her parents as Amanda was forced to. Jack vowed that he would remind his son every day of how much his mother loved him.
Aswell as grief, he also felt indescribable guilt. Not just because he had lived and she didn't but because it was his fault that they were even in that situation in the first place. He should never have gotten involved with the Ryan brothers in the first place, now he paid the ultimate price and would continue to pay for as long as he lived. It was even worse that Carl would have to pay too; he would never know his mother and how amazing and selfless she was. Jack knew he would trade places with Amanda in a heartbeat. He should have been the one to stay behind with Nate. Even if he hadn't decided to try to escape maybe she would still be alive.
The place was too empty without her. Declan wanted to stay with his older brother to properly be there for him in his hour of greatest suffering but Jack declined. He knew his brother only meant the best but he didn't want Declan to see him falling apart as he was.
Jack thought about how good everyone had been to him, Declan, Emily and Nolan in particular. They tried to help him out in any way they could but only Emily felt the loss as he did. Amanda had died in her arms out there in the water. Though he was consumed by grief, Jack couldn't imagine what it was like for her out there. It if was him, he wasn't he would have been able to hold on.
Thinking about her made him pick up his phone. Jack knew she was having trouble sleeping these days and he wondered if she was up right now like he was. He decided to try anyway and dialled her number. It rang for about twenty seconds and he was just about to hang up when someone answered.
"Hello?" a sleepy voice said but it wasn't the one he was expecting. This one was male and English.
Jack frowned and tried to settle his voice."Aiden... I'm sorry I woke you."
"No, don't worry about it. I know what you're going through- oh, Emily wants the phone."
"Jack? Are you okay?" her voice was full of worry.
He looked down at a sleeping Carl in his arms and tears began to choke him again. "No," he sobbed, "Emily, she's gone..."
Emily began to cry aswell. "I know, Jack. I know."